Original subtitles

- Beverly Hills is home to some of the most wealthy

and powerful people in the world.

They drive the finest cars,

shop at the best boutiques,

and they live in the most outrageous homes.

They also have access to the most exclusive

and high end erotic club ever.

I created that club, it's called SNCTM.

(electronic music)

SNCTM is a secretive society,

where we do a black tie masquerade, private dinner parties,

and an erotic theater.

It's a place for my members

to explore their wildest fantasies

and learn about their true sexual selves.

Welcome to my world.

(emotional music)

(pulsing music)

Something about how I was raised has affected

my relationships with women

but I'm very much into regular dates.

It's definitely not all about sex for me.

I'm totally into like going to a movie

and having a nice dinner, just getting to know someone.

(glasses clink)

- Cheers.

- Finding someone I can really have a conversation with.

It turns me on.

Oh you smell it first okay.

- Interesting ring.

- I was about to just take a sip.

- No I like to do it that way.

- Yeah.

- Do you like the smell.

- Yeah, I'm gonna follow your lead.

Like oak?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.

- Yeah pas mal is exactly correct.

- Mmhmm.

- But I don't speak much French.

Let's just stay, let's stay in English.

- You forgot about it.

(laughs)

- Tonight, I'm on a blind date with Violine,

there's different levels of chemistry

that I feel when I meet someone,

and you don't know when it's gonna happen

or where it comes from, but when it does happen,

you feel it, so I'm trying to open myself up to that.

- Are you from New York?

- I was born in New York

but I grew up in Northern California actually.

So near San Francisco.

- Its beautiful up there.

- It is.

- I love San Francisco.

- It was a great place to grow up.

Sex is like the wonderful icing on the cake.

But I like the whole cake too.

- What made your parents go from New York to?

- They separated when I was pretty young

and they moved a mile apart from each other

in Northern California, even though they were divorced.

So um, how or why that happened, I've never asked them.

- Okay.

- I'm gonna find that out and I'll get back to you.

(laughs)

- Okay.

- Dinner with Violine was fun because she didn't know

what I did and it was nice, it was refreshing

to just have a conversation with someone

that had nothing to do with SNCTM.

You know a little bit about wine it seems like?

- [Violine] Mm-hmm.

- What do you do?

- I'm a wine rep.

- You're a wine rep, how long have you been doing that?

- Like a year.

- Okay.

- Do you know anything about me or no?

- A little bit.

- Yeah like what?

I'm curious.

- That you're a successful business man.

- Uh-huh, basically I own a club.

A private club.

- Oh.

- And it's been sort of secretive for a while.

- What kind of club.

- It's a bit unusual but.

It's hard to express what I do.

Because it requires quite an explanation.

So, let's say that you're in a relationship,

you're married and you're very wealthy

but you want to learn how to tie up your wife

and pleasure her in new ways.

It's not a conventional position or job,

it's like well that's totally different and you know,

whatever it is, I don't know but people are very interested

and intrigued by whatever this is conceptually.

And whatever they imagine it to be in their heads

so people have a lot of questions about it.

We do like an erotic theater that people come to watch.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

And they come to watch the theater but definitely also

to interact with each other

and they do it in New York and LA.

- But it's not an erotic show, it's something more?

- It's something different, yeah.

- And then everybody's free to just join

as much as they want.

- Exactly, exactly.

- Like, sex can happen.

- That's pretty, that's pretty, exactly.

And so I try to be really open and authentic

and just I talk about it.

I mean there's something about being honest with someone

and then they get the choice.

Whereas when you lie to somebody,

you're not really giving them much of a choice.

You know, you're creating a bullshit story for them

and then you know, they live in a false reality

and then they find out the truth and they're hurt

and you know, and they don't like you any more.

I don't want that to happen.

Could you like, could you date somebody who does what I do

do you think?

- Mmm.

No, no, cause I think you're surrounded by like,

(gasps)

- Right, right.

- No, by what you said I was like erotic shows,

with all the

- Yeah.

- You know.

Many, many, many, girls.

You know because that's part of your life

it's part of what you do.

- That's true it is.

- It is what you do so.

- Yeah.

- But.

- I don't face a lot of rejection

with women really these days but that's what happens

when you're honest.

(soft music)

Have a good night.

- Alright.

- Bye.

Growing up I learned to appreciate instant gratification.

It's how I've lead my life ever since.

Hey Crystal?

What are you doing?

Really?

There's no question that sex is an escape for me.

I'll see ya in a little bit.

(fire sizzles)

Did you pour me some wine?

- I did.

- You're so sweet.

- Well cheers babe.

- Yeah, cheers.

- I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad I'm here too.

- With me.

- Yeah, exactly.

- You look so nice.

- Thank you, you look nice too.

Look, we all love pleasure.

You know, we're all kind of hedonists.

We don't always all act on it but I think we all

want to live that dream and we want like a big steak

and mashed potatoes and lobster and lots of butter

and big tub of yummy ice cream

and what you could call it cocaine or you could call it

you know, beautiful naked women.

It satiates something within us.

It,

it makes us feel good for a moment.

(soft music)

♪ Sugar coated candy, I taste this bitter pill

♪ Live my life on the edge

♪ I'm sure I've had my fill

♪ To walk this road so many times

♪ And never break my stride

♪ I pass so many warning signs and never caught my eye

Is it okay to have those experiences, yeah.

Is it okay to eat a big steak and mashed potatoes

and butter and nice glass of wine, yeah.

Its okay, is it healthy all the time?

No.

(soft music)

But I've not learned yet to avoid those things

that make me happy, that I know are destructive.

And I get lost indulging in all of it.

There's like an ease and an emptiness to it that I like

because I don't have to feel anything.

(soft music)

But I come from a very addictive family

and I'm walking this line and I know it's a dangerous one.

I fell like some of the confusion I have could stem

from the lack of relationship with my mother.

And I won't heal until I reconnect with her.

(dramatic music)

(soft music)

- So how long has it been since you've seen your mom?

- Um,

it's been about four years.

- Oh wow. - Yeah.

I was feeling like there was a resentment inside me

and something festering in me with my mom

that needed to be resolved.

And I wanted to just find a way to let go of that.

And so I'm gonna meet up with my mom today.

- Does she know about SNCTM?

- I've not had a conversation with her.

- [Nicolas] It was at the beginning of SNCTM.

- In I say four years, maybe it's been five years.

For quite a while she was someone that I was really,

you know, enamored by, she was a very special woman

and she was the person I looked up to.

She was like the person I wanted to be.

I mean she was honest, she was spiritual

and she was just this like,

smart, intelligent, healthy,

amazing person but my mother has serious addiction issues.

(exhales)

Yeah, I'm gonna be having lunch with her in a few hours,

I'm a little.

- [Nicolas] How are you feeling?

- A little nervous.

- [Nicolas] It's got to be nerve wracking.

- It is a little bit,

I, um...

My mother and my father were both heavy duty addicts.

So, childhood up until I was about 13

was pretty scary and uncomfortable a lot of it.

But then sobriety was like this time of,

it was a totally different relationship I had with my mom.

But I need to see myself in her

and to really see the person that I don't want to become.

- Mm-hmm.

- Because I can see there is parts of her in me.

I can feel the addiction stuff is in me.

- Mm-hmm.

But you can change.

- [Damon] I hope so.

- It's tough, I mean, its a really different upbringing

than mine.

I have no connecting points with that,

my parents, they were pretty present maybe too much,

but to my liking, but it,

it is different so it's hard to

it's like talking to an orphan.

You know and trying to understand what it was like,

I'll never know, but I think it does him best to talk than not.

Deep down do you want a relationship with her

and move on from the past and?

- I've always wanted,

- [Nicolas] As shitty as it sound like, she was,

or you had a relationship with her.

- I want a relationship, I wish I had a mom.

But I don't know if there's gonna be anything good

that can come out of this.

But I feel like I need to do it.

- He's not looking for any answer from me,

but he's knows there's options, he just needs to hear it.

But it's not my place to say, this is what you should do

and this is what you shouldn't do.

- I'm not afraid of much, but I'm definitely afraid

of meeting with my mom today.

Yeah.

- What's your mom's name?

- Melissa.

My mom and my wife are Melissa.

- That's weird.

- Yeah, about as weird as it can get.

You know honestly, this is one of my first tattoos

and when I got it I was like if this doesn't work out

it's just my mom's name.

(laughs)

Thank you for giving a shit.

- [Nicholas] You know, hike in jeans, that's the last time.

- I'll lend you my socks next time.

(laughs)

(electronic music)

(soft piano music)

- This is my life actually, I do like different kinds

of events I do fashion and photo shoots

like editorial photo shoots, that's yeah,

that's what I love to do.

This one.

So it's more like,

- [Woman] I love it, you worked for some company.

- You know what it is?

- No I don't, it looks like a flower.

- It's a pussy.

I love SNCTM and I love creating everything I do for it.

It's a very different directions.

It's dark and then it's also like some pinkish colors

and yellows, blues, (laughs).

(laughs)

That's a small size so it's like you know.

No it's fine.

Take off your pants.

What little thing?

- [Model] A sticky.

- What does it do, it just lifts your butt?

- Yeah it lifts your butt.

- Your butt is great.

Oh my god,

(laughs)

that's so funny.

- [Woman] Every guy finds it sexy.

- [Alina] Really?

Louis you think that's sexy?

- Yes.

- [Alina] The pants.

Do you prefer this to the tiny ones?

- The tiny ones for me don't do anything, I mean,

any underwear because.

- It's just like, it's like a different,

actually you know what, fell like I should design

something like that.

Since I'm little I was always doing like my own designs,

my, like I was cutting and like gluing things together

and make like my own like skirts and my own outfits

and everything and you know, I learn everything by myself.

It's just through experience and then like the only thing,

like my mom teach me how to sew,

so that's the thing I learn from my mom.

Why don't you shave?

You didn't shave.

- [Model] I told you!

- You always have to be prepared, you know.

- [Model] I'm not kind of prepared,

it's not like I have a bush or something.

(laughs)

- Really want to do this shoot with Debbie

where she's milking the cow.

I really see her in this outfit like the German,

like lederhosen and then like her boobs

and like spritzing her milk or something.

Sometimes I just have this vision in my head like super sexy

but it's also like weird, disgusting, beautiful and cute.

And then even if she talks like spritzing her

its so sexy.

(laughs)

- Okay.

- [Alina] Just say spritzing.

- Like a farm girl.

- [Alina] Say spritzing.

- Spritzing.

- See perfect.

(laughs)

Not fake smiling natural smiling, yes.

Let me.

It's fame, be natural, natural cute.

When I the first time I went to Ibiza, I think,

like I went there the first time when I was 17.

I saw the dancers there and the costumes

and like the energy over there was just amazing.

It's like this is what I want to do.

So that's why I got like inspired.

(electronic music)

- Beautiful, a little smiley please.

- [Alina] No I don't want smiley for this.

- [Photographer] No you don't want a smiley, okay.

- [Alina] No, this is more like I'm a wild,

give it to us, yeah.

Okay.

(camera shutter clicks)

I feel like one boob is higher than the other one.

(laughs)

Who's mean?

- [Photographer] You!

- He's just jealous that I get to touch her.

(laughs)

yes, oh boobie.

- Oh.

- [Alina] Cool yeah we got it.

Thank you Debbie.

(moody music)

- This is hard, I don't know if I want to do it.

It's painful, this'll be the first time I've seen Damon

in about eight years.

And,

it's very painful.

- Hi.

How are you doing?

- Hi.

- Who's this little thing?

- Oh hi.

- Hi.

Thanks for coming out.

- [Mom] Oh you smell so good.

- Oh thank you.

My feelings, my mom are a lot of them are very,

intense.

- How are you?

- I'm doing well.

And also,

you know, it's been a roller coaster ride for sure.

And you know, I've built this great thing

and people love it, I'm making money

but I lost Melissa.

- No.

- Yeah,

- My relationship with Damon is no more, you know,

and so, very sad I think of it every day.

- I feel like I have like a choice in my life

to either be like crazy and self destructive or not.

And I just don't want to, I don't want to end up like.

- Me.

- Yes.

(exhales)

Yeah.

That could be me so easy.

And so I struggle with that.

If I, if I let that pain that exists from that childhood

turn me into a drug addict alcoholic

and then I treat my children the way I was treated

by my mom, I mean, I, it's like the whole thing

just continues, it's like a continuous cycle

and I have the opportunity to end that,

to break that cycle now.

I don't understand how that shit, how it all went down

like it did.

And I don't know how you could have let that happen

around us, why did you do that,

or how did you let yourself do that?

- I guess in those days it didn't seem like a bad thing.

What can I say?

You know, we were hippies.

You know, it wasn't it just didn't seem bad,

not that it wasn't, you know, but,

- My intention is not to belittle my mother

or badger her about the past.

It's just that she understands what happened

and then can start the healing process for both of us.

If I was getting fucked up around my kids

and exposing them to things they shouldn't have seen

and had a certain experiences that they just,

that I know is gonna like really fuck them up.

- Mm-hmm.

- I would try to find a way to make an amends for that.

I don't feel like there was a moment when you

showed, when you, let us know that, like, that wasn't right.

- Well I guess you don't remember all the therapy

that we went to with Hadria and with you and.

- The things that you decided to do, was almost like

you decided that all that mattered was you.

And that we didn't matter.

- Okay, first of all that's bullshit, okay.

- Yeah, it's not bullshit though.

- I want you to listen to me now.

- Yeah.

- You come at me with this stuff and I've asked you

to forgive me

and that's one thing that you haven't done yet

and so like there's no moving on with that.

- Mom what are you talking about?

No.

- Okay.

- You don't see.

- I don't know Damon, that would be up to,

- Are you fine the way things are right now?

- Okay Dame, I love you so very much Dame, I really do

but I can't take this anymore, I can't take

the same conversation, I don't appreciate it.

Oh I wish I hadn't come.

- It's frustrating and it's painful

to try to have a conversation with my mom

and try to like let her back in and I've sort of like

done it again and again and again like hoped

that it's gonna change and hope it's gonna be different.

And then it's just the same thing every time.

And

it's hard.

(sad piano music)

- [Jacque] Did I update you?

- Oh no what happened?

- Are you, your dad found out?

- So yeah well I told my mom last spring

about SNCTM and all that but then since then

I've like had conversational topics with them

and they like make snide comments

and like have outwardly now said,

we don't approve that you do this, like just know

but we still love you and I'm like.

- Did you tell them it's like theatrical.

- I've told them it's more theatrical and stuff like that,

you know, it's just like the performance aspect of it

and it's something that I enjoy.

My parents mean so much to me and I'm really close

with both of them but ultimately,

I have to live my life for me and what makes me happy.

I've not really talked about my sexual interests

with my parents,

I had to somewhat google things

growing up.

And that's how I learned.

Statistically when you do that and shelter your kids

they're gonna end up being a freak, (laughs) so.

- My parents are pretty open minded.

When I left Germany they're like just do your thing.

My mom's actually always the one

she was like, don't wear this mini skirt

and like don't be too naked

and don't be this and my dad was always like,

ah let her do, let her do, you know.

I mean but both of them together pretty much open

and they just let me do whatever I want.

I think I do have like a dirty mind sometimes

'cause I see the perversion as art.

I can see someone pooping on stage but its pink.

(laughs) it's gonna go like into an ice cream cone.

You can make it different,

not that I did it, the pooping one but you know,

it's just an idea.

Then I'm not creepy though, am I creepy?

- You're not creepy, you're just a pervert and we love you.

- Thank you.

(laughs)

(playful music)

- When my mom walked out of the lunch meeting,

that could have been my last interaction with my mom

probably for the rest of my life.

- Where's Catalinka?

- And so I talked to her and I said let's meet up again.

- Come here.

- I did not want it to end like that,

that wasn't the story I wanted.

I feel like yesterday we didn't accomplish anything

and I don't want to carry this

around

anymore.

- Okay good.

You don't have to say anything, you said it yesterday,

I'll say it.

I was a drug addict, a sex addict,

and it's really put you in jeopardy in your life

and I, I hope that you would forgive me

because it's been with me every day of my life

and I love you and

I wish I could have done different but I didn't.

- I'd like to start from here,

I just want a mom.

- [Melissa] Yeah.

- I would like that.

- So glad thank you Damon.

- I just needed to know that,

that you could acknowledge.

- Without excuses.

- Yeah, you know.

- Without defending myself.

I realized that.

- Because with that I can at least like let go.

When she was brave enough to say the truth,

you know what else could I do when someone says

the words she said but forgive.

You know, I only needed those words.

And I've been waiting for those words

for you know,

a long time.

Thank you.

(cries)

I am who I am because of my mom

and there's good stuff in there

and there's bad stuff in there.

She's an amazing human being.

She's just,

she's just damaged

and what I want to do for me is just

accept and love and forgive her.

- [Mom] We should have done this years ago.

- Yeah.

This is gonna be like a chapter along the way

and I'm gonna turn that page but I'm still on this journey

I'm learning to kind of let go a little bit

and enjoy life and possibly indulge in some play time.

(electronic music)

(chatter)

I'm in a really good place in this moment.

I want to stay here

'cause I do have a beautiful life.

Enjoy yourself?

(kisses)

You wanna kiss her?

Want to lick her hand?

(kisses)

(soulful music)

(intense music)

(strong music)