Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

Nighttime over Athens,

the ancient world slumbers.

But then the inky blackness of night

gives way to the golden morn.

Apollo pulls his magnificent sun chariot

across the sky,

bringing with it the start of another day,

another step--

You're killin' me here

with this jibba-jabba.

What's your name, baby?

I am the narrator.

Oh, come on! What's your name?

-Bob.

-That's better.

Now, Bob, the name of this show

is "Hercules," right?

Well, yes.

Then why are you talkin' about mankind?

We want to here why this day is important

to the star of the show.

Oh, well.

Yeah, and speakin' of Hercules,

let's go meet him at the mall.

♪ Hop in the chariot and come on down ♪

♪ Where wall-to-wall shopping

and bargains abound ♪

♪ There's lingerie and luggage ♪

♪ And sandals galore ♪

♪ Figs and fun and fashion

And so much more ♪

♪ We'll save a sack of drachmas

on every trade ♪

♪ There's plenty to adore-a ♪

♪ We open with aurora ♪

♪ Take the olive branch exit ♪

♪ To the Agora arcade ♪

Welcome, students, to internship week.

Five days of immersion

into the real world of work,

and a week off for the teachers.

Wow! A week in the real world.

I've often wondered

what that might be like.

Yeah, well, keep wondering.

Parentheses will give the "in crowd"

all the great jobs,

and we'll end up enslaved

in humiliating drudgery as usual.

Adonis, you pampered pup,

shall work for Panasonicles,

the king of big screens.

[all] Ooh!

How fitting.

I am royalty, you know.

Well, off to,

What's that word again? Work.

[laughs]

Cassandra, our little ray of sunshine,

shall staff the information booth.

This isn't terrible.

I don't hate this.

Icarus, Zeus help us,

you are going to work

at Aphrodite's Secret.

[Icarus] This isn't terrible.

I don't hate this.

And finally, Hercules, spawn of Zeus,

shall report to Gyro Wurld.

Aah!

Ugh!

Yes!

I get to work at Hero World!

[man] Not "hero," "Gyro" Wurld,

-Home of the tasty lamb sandwich--

-Aah!

Ugh!

...where our slogan is...

[sighs] "Make mine mutton."

Yes! Ha ha!

You're a natural! Ha ha ha!

Now, let's go over the rules.

You have rules?

Of course!

Gyro rules!

Gyro rule number one,

always wear your oven mitts.

Gyro rule number five,

lift with your legs, not your back.

Duh, yeah, like that!

Ha ha!

Mix the fig smoothies sundial-wise.

[imitating] Not counter-sundial-wise.

[Adonis] Oh, mutton boy!

[sighs] Yes?

"Yes"? Shouldn't you say, "sir"?

Yes, "sir."

Good boy.

-Now, I believe I would like--

-[growls softly]

[Adonis] Oops!

[laughing]

[laughing]

Clumsy, clumsy.

I hope your boss doesn't get mad

and lambaste you.

Lamb, baste, I made a funny.

[laughing]

[laughing forcefully]

Very funny!

Oh, that's rich!

Is something wrong, mutton boy?

Speak up, now. Mustn't be sheepish.

[laughter continues]

Oh, stop it, sir!

Aah!

I can't take this anymore! I quit!

Oh, don't quit.

That would be [bleating] bad.

[laughter]

So much for my week in the real world.

Gaul-mart is right over there.

Beware aisle five.

The dark specter of death awaits you

in the husky-boys department.

Have a nice day.

-[gasps]

-[crying]

Hey, Hercules!

You on a break?

Yeah, permanently.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have quit.

You'd never just give up like that.

You're darn tootin' I would!

Father!

You should have ditched that dead-end job

from the get-go.

No son of mine is gonna sling mutton.

It's humiliating.

I'll see to it you get a job

worthy of your pedigree.

[Hermes] All righty, we go!

This emergency meeting

of the Council of the Gods

will now come to order.

OK, before we get to the biz at hand,

let me lay the minutes

of our last meeting on you.

[sighs]

Well, Poseidon suggested Zeus

level an earthquake on Macedonia.

Ha! Nutty Poseidon.

Cat is too much.

Zeus promised to form a committee to--

All right, Hermes, that's enough.

Let's get down to bronze tacks.

I called this meeting

for a very important reason,

Hercules needs a job.

[Hera] Darling...

maybe Hercules should go back

to his assigned job at the Agora.

Nonsense!

My son deserves better.

[Hades] Look no further!

Hey, send the little semi-god down my way.

I'm always looking for new working stiffs.

[chuckles] I am, though.

Hercules in the underworld?

Ha! I'd rather see the boy

back in the fast-food joint.

Ha! [sighs]

But it's OK for your little brother,

isn't it?

Come on! Ha! Don't be a big baby.

Ugh! Kidding, I'm just kidding.

I wouldn't dream of selling your

precious son's chiton in the underworld.

Got a hot spot reserved

for you, though, you,

A job for my son.

Hmm.

Oh, this is a poser.

Wait a moment.

Son...sun!

Ha!

Apollo, why don't you let Hercules

drive your sun buggy for a week?

[groans]

Hercules drive my solar chariot?

Ha ha ha! I knew you'd volunteer.

But the sun--

He'd love to do it!

Bro, that is a stroke of

divine inspiration!

I know I'm inspired.

What a scheme!

Hercules is put in charge of the sun.

We steal it from the kid,

make him look bad, make Zeus look worse,

Instigate a little, you know,

no-confidence vote,

and ba-da bing! Zeus gets dumped!

It is brilliant! Is this brilliant?

Come on, it's brilliant.

[squeaking]

Uh, were you talkin' to us?

Just steal the sun from Hercules, OK?

You think you can do that

one little thing for me? Do you? Come on.

Now, go. Get up in that sky pronto! Go on!

[both] Does that mean...

[sighs] Yes, you can take the harpies. Go!

[together] We're gonna ride the harpies!

We're gonna ride the harpies!

Now be careful.

She slips going into third sometimes.

Oh, yes, sir.

If it makes you happy,

I'll assume full responsibility

for his actions.

Apollo, sir, I assure you,

you have nothing to worry about.

-[horses whinny]

-Whoa!

See you later!

And don't forget to...

Have a good time.

Attaboy! Give them heaven, son!

Ha! "Give them heaven!"

[laughing] That's a good one.

[Adonis]

Oh, this working man's life is stressful.

Perhaps I shall give it up

and quit like that loser Hercules.

[Hercules] Whoo-hoo! Adonis!

How's this for a job?

Yah-haa! This is great!

Target acquired and vectored in.

What's the matter, Adonis,

thrown for a loop?

Whoa!

What? Whoa!

Ha ha! There's our chance!

Sun, come to papa.

Take it easy, Herc.

No harm done. No!

[horses whinny]

Aah!

[roars]

[laughing]

-Yoo-hoo!

-Yippee!

Yeah!

Oh, no!

Aah!

[horses whinny]

Ugh!

Ugh! Oh! Ugh!

This has been a very bad...

[owl hoots]

...day.

Herc was in some bad shape now.

[Bob] Oh, excuse me, ladies.

Bob here.

What's the matter with you, Bob?

Can't you see my girl's waxing tragic

about our Hercules?

Yes, but what about the rest of the world?

They're suffering, too.

You mean the whole world's

in a powerful funk,

and they're all feeling down in the dumps?

Well, maybe not in those words.

Ooh! All right, then!

It's time for this lady to sing the blues!

♪ Since the light went away ♪

♪ It's like night every day ♪

♪ All of Athens is dazed and confused ♪

♪ The crops and flowers won't grow ♪

♪ And the roosters can't crow ♪

♪ And Phil's got ♪

♪ The "How am I supposed to

read the news?" blues ♪

♪ Pillagers storm the Agora ♪

[sheep bleating]

♪ Villagers scatter and screech ♪

♪ They're robbin' them blind ♪

♪ The whole town's in a bind ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Everybody was miserable. Mmm.

Well, not everybody.

[saxophone plays]

[slurping]

This...is the afterlife.

[man] Oh, yeah!

[man 2] Look at all this stuff!

[Scottish accent]

i feel like a kid in a candy store!

Whoa!

Oh, look at all.

[people screaming]

There are several stores

that haven't been looted over there.

You have my gratitude, lassie.

Perhaps I'll spare your wee life.

Thank you. Happy pillaging.

Come on, lads!

If we break it, we bought it!

Follow me, boys!

Aah!

[growls]

[man] Aah!

Cassandra, what's going on here?

-Whoa!

-I'm doing my job...

And getting to watch

some really neat destruction.

Oh, no! This is all my fault!

[Icarus] Unhand those underthings, vandal!

I don't see anything I like.

Slay me if you must,

but leave this quality lingerie alone!

[grunting]

[screams]

Icarus, what are you doing?

Ugh! Ugh!

I'm doing my duty as an intern

by completing my assignment

and protecting my temporary workspace.

Plus, I get to touch

all the frilly things!

That's what I should have done.

Touch frilly things?

Aaah!

No!

If only I'd stuck with my job

at Gyro Wurld,

I never would have driven the sun chariot

in the first place,

and none of this would have happened.

[all screaming]

How should I know where the sun is?

You think I'm omniscient or something?

[all] Yes.

Ooh, they've got you there, big guy.

Look, I'm sure my son

has a good explanation for all this,

if I could only find him.

[Hades] Tsk. Tsk.

You know, losing one son,

I gotta tell you, it's tragic enough.

But to lose two "sons,"

now that's some real bad hoodoo.

Heh heh!

Hey, you look different.

Did you change your hair or--

You know, and the worst part is

how this makes you look, bro.

I mean, nepotism.

You know, gross negligence.

I don't want to say

that you're falling down on the job,

but, hey, timber!

[Hades chuckles]

You know, I wouldn't be surprised

if these guys

called for a no-confidence vote

and put some, you know, deserving god up

as a replacement for you.

-You know, some guy like, uh--

-A replacement?

-You--

-Thank you!

Yes, thank you!

I humbly accept the nomination.

Forget it, Hades.

I'm Zeus, lord of Olympus,

and my fellow gods

would never vote to unseat me, right?

-[scattered mumble]

-[softly] Ha, ha.

All right, enough chitchat.

Let's rock the vote!

[snoring]

[sighing] Oh, I blew it.

I'll never be a hero.

Oh!

Herc, do you see the light?

Yes, I realize my mistake, OK?

How many times do I have to say it?

No. Do you see the light?

Hey! That's a shaft of light!

The sun must be in the underworld!

You don't say.

Icarus, I am going to get that sun back

and restore it to the sky,

where it belongs.

And I'm goin' with you right to the sun!

Right to the underworld! Right to Hades!

What am I saying?

[sheep bleating]

[Bob]

To liberate the sun from the underworld,

Hercules knew he would need

an awesome array of weapons...

...and a catchy slogan.

"Make mine mutton."

[Icarus] Get your ice-cold fig smoothies!

Ooh! That's refreshing!

[moaning] Hello, there.

[slurping]

Refill?

Oh! Oh, I couldn't.

All things in moderation.

Well, uh, maybe one more.

[burps] OK, top me off.

You know, you're lookin' at

two pretty important minions.

[slurping]

You got that right.

[slurping]

You see, at this very moment,

our boss is kicking old man Zeus

off Olympus

for letting his lame-o kid lose the sun.

Ha!

Oh, no!

[laughing]

[laughs]

Hey!

Leave that alone!

Who do you think you are anyway?

[both exclaiming] Hercules!

Oh, curse you and your infernal disguises.

This lame-o is returning the sun

to its rightful place.

I think we may have spoken out of turn.

Come on, Herc. You can do it.

Just remember your training.

Gyro rule number one,

always wear your oven mitts.

-[grunting]

-[chains rattling]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Lift with your legs, not your back.

[Hercules grunting]

I, Hera, even though I warned him,

vote for my husband, Zeus.

Yeah, dig it!

[murmuring]

OK, she's his wife. That's a gimme, OK?

But, come on!

None of you other gods are gonna vote

for Johnny Nepotism here, right?

I mean, the guy

can't even keep track of the sun.

Now, come on. Who's with me?

I, Hephaestus, God of the Forge,

must regretfully vote for Hades.

Yeah, Hephaestus!

Excuse me, "regretfully"?

[straining] Must get sun...

back in...sky.

We have a tie!

It's any god's game now.

Oh, but wait, who decides?

Hey, the deciding vote.

Why it's-- Let's see. Let's see.

It is, it is, it's Apollo!

God of the...

Blank.

Well, Mr. "Please don't take

my sunshine away,"

I guess we know who

you are voting for, don't we, babe?

I don't know.

What?

What? I need a little time to think.

How could you? What is it you want, huh?

Vote for me, and I tell you what,

I'll make you the god of anything.

God of war, huh?

You like that? You got it.

You lookin' for a little piece

of the love-god action thing?

Boom. Done. You're a love god.

But take your time. Go ahead.

I got all night.

Come on! Vote already!

[Hercules grunts]

Hercules!

Oh! Ugh!

Herc, you got to get out of there!

You can't have more than ten seconds

before the whole thing

blows sky high, baby!

That's what I'm counting on!

OK, I'm gonna give you, what, 10 seconds,

and then you got to vote.

You got to vote! OK, 10...

[chuckles] 9...

[Icarus] Eight,

seven...

six...

Five...

four,

three...

Two, one.

[Icarus crying]

[screaming]

I, Apollo, must regretfully cast

my vote...

Again with the "regretfully."

am I that bad of a guy?

...for the new lord of Olympus...

[exclaims]

Whoa!

Ugh!

Father, I'm sorry i,

No need to explain, son.

Go on.

Uh, I'm sorry I got you into this,

and I'm proud of you.

[sighs]

[Hades] Proud? Proud of him?

You hear that? What?

He's proud of his little sun-loser!

I demand that you name me lord of--

[minion] Your morbidness!

Sir!

Hercules stole back the sun!

Yeah, but... [chuckles nervously]

Well, no harm, no foul, right?

[chuckles awkwardly]

But wasn't this an interesting

experiment in democracy?

Really, folks, huh?

Zeus, come on, babe.

No, don't do anything rash,

'cause I'm, I'm your baby brother.

I'm your little kid brother. [chuckles]

Remember those games we used to play?

How about this one?

"Run away as fast as you can."

[explosion]

[Hades screaming]

[Bob] And, so, with the sun restored

to the firmament,

life returned to normal.

As word of Hercules' deeds spread,

the grateful people of Athens

found inspiration in him.

For they knew that if the forces

of darkness ever threatened again,

they need only remember

these heroic words...

[all] Make mine mutton!

[theme music playing]