Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON "8 SIMPLE RULES"...

UH, YEAH, THIS IS MRS. HENNESSY.

MOM?

MY KEYS. WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

MOM?

OH, MY GOD. MOM.

THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, MOM.

NOT NOW.

NOT NOW. NOT AT 46.

WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

HE WAS RUNNING A STUPID ERRAND. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BACK.

AND HE WAS TAKING US TO SCHOOL.

I'LL TELL YOU, IT WAS A DAY I'LL NEVER FORGET --

JUST ME AND THE SPLENDID SPLINTER.

I DROVE HIM AROUND THE ENTIRE BASE.

WOW.

HAND ME THOSE PLIERS, SON.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MITT THERE?

DID YOU PUNCH SOMETHING?

NO, I BURNED IT ON A CASSEROLE DISH.

OKAY.

DID YOU KNOW

THE BATHROOM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ROOM IN THE HOUSE?

IT IS.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE A MAN CAN FIND COMPLETE SOLITUDE.

WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?

WOMEN.

WOMEN JUST DON'T GET IT.

OH, THEY GO IN, AND THEY DO THEIR -- WELL, BATHROOM STUFF,

BUT US MEN, IT'S OUR SANCTUARY.

BUT WOMEN, THEY'RE MORE COMMUNAL.

THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT -- TOGETHER?

YOU KNOW, US MEN, WE'RE SOLITARY BEASTS.

YEAH, WE LIKE OUR ALONE TIME.

AND WE SURE AS HECK WOULDN'T PICK THIS WALLPAPER.

ACTUALLY, THIS KIND OF WAS MY DAD'S REAL OFFICE.

IF HE HAD A DEADLINE, HE'D BE IN HERE FOR HOURS.

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, MOM WOULD KNOCK ON THE DOOR

TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T FALL IN.

YOU SEE, YOUR DAD GOT IT.

YEAH, IT USED TO BE, A MAN'S HOME WAS HIS CASTLE.

AND SLOWLY, WOMEN JUST TOOK IT AWAY AND TOOK IT AWAY

TILL WE'RE DOWN TO THIS ONE LITTLE ROOM.

WELL, IT'S ALL YOURS NOW.

YEAH?

YEAH, CERTAINLY. IT STANDS TO REASON.

I'M KIND OF MAD AT HIM, GRAMPS.

AW, I KNOW, I KNOW, RORY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A WHOLE LOT TO TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF.

HAND ME THOSE NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS.

HEY, GUYS -- OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

UM, CAN I JUST CHANGE IN HERE?

MOM?

FRED DOYLE IS PLANNING ON HAVING DINNER

WITH DAD AND JESUS IN HEAVEN?

COME ON, IT'S A NICE THOUGHT.

YEAH, BUT DAD SPENT THREE YEARS

AVOIDING THE DOYLES' FAMILY BARBECUE.

HOW'S HE GONNA GET OUT OF THAT ONE?

I MEAN, DAD'S A TERRIBLE LIAR,

AND JESUS CAN BE SITTING, LIKE, RIGHT THERE.

YEAH. AND FRED GOING ON ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES

BETWEEN ELECTRIC- AND GAS-POWERED WEED WHACKERS.

LIKE JESUS ISN'T GOING TO WANT TO BACK OUT OF THAT DINNER.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE

GOING THROUGH A DAY LIKE THIS WITHOUT YOU KIDS.

MAYBE IF DAD HAD LOOKED IN THE DRAWER

AND SAW ALL THE BATTERIES,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO THE STORE, AND THEN --

KERRY. CARE BEAR.

DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY GOING OVER AND OVER EVERYTHING.

NO ONE CAN CONTROL WHAT HAPPENED.

GOD, MOM, YOU ARE SO STRONG.

OH, NO.

TRUST ME, I FALL APART WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING.

THE LAST WORDS I SAID TO DAD WAS, "I HATE YOU."

OH, HONEY.

HE WOULDN'T LET ME BORROW HIS STUPID CAR,

AND I SAID, "I HATE YOU."

I HAD MY DAD,

AND THE LAST WORDS I EVER SAID TO HIM WERE, "I HATE YOU."

OH, BABY.

I THINK THOSE WERE THE FIRST WORDS YOU SAID TO HIM, ALSO.

IT'S OKAY.

HE KNEW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM, NO QUESTION.

MY LAST WORDS WERE AN INSULT, TOO.

HE WAS WEARING HIS MICHIGAN SWEATSHIRT

WITH CHINOS.

AND I SAID THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH QUEER EYES

IN ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO TO HELP HIM.

WELL, I SENT HIM TO THE STORE FOR MILK.

SO THE LAST THING HE HEARD OUT OF ME

WAS, "BLAH-BLAH BLAH, BLAH-BLAH BLAH-BLAH."

YOU KNOW WHAT HIS LAST WORDS TO ME WERE?

WHAT?

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

SUCH A CORNBALL.

YOU KNOW, HE WOULD SAY ANYTHING.

HE DIDN'T CARE HOW SILLY HE WAS.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE US LAUGH.

I AM REALLY GONNA MISS THAT.

SO, SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO TAKE UP THE CORNBALL SLACK

AROUND HERE.

I VOTE RORY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA MISS ABOUT DAD?

THOSE BOGUS PANCAKES HE USED TO MAKE.

GOD, IT WAS LIKE EATING TUPPERWARE COVERS.

THEY WERE SO AWFUL.

PANCAKE MIX AND WATER. HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?

IF THEY WERE SO TERRIBLE, WHY'D YOU EAT THEM?

THE SAME REASON YOU DID.

MADE HIM HAPPY.

YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? OUR SECRET'S OUT.

I NEVER ATE THE PANCAKES.

OH, COME HERE, HONEYS, COME HERE.

OH, I LOVE YOU.

Girls: I LOVE YOU.

GRAMPS? YEAH?

WHAT WAS YOUR DAD LIKE?

UH, MY DAD --

YOUR GREAT-GRANDDAD WAS A BUSINESSMAN.

HE OWNED A HABERDASHERY.

HABA WHAT?

A MEN'S STORE. HE SOLD SUITS AND HATS.

BASEBALL HATS?

NO, NOT BASEBALL HATS. BOWLERS, FEDORAS, DERBIES.

YOU KNOW, BEAUTIFUL HATS THAT YOU TIPPED AT YOUNG LADIES

AND WORE OVER YOUR HEART WHEN THEY PLAYED THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

YEAH, HATS WERE THE CORNERSTONE OF CIVILIZATION.

ONLY SAVAGES DIDN'T WEAR HATS.

WERE YOU CLOSE WITH YOUR DAD?

OH, IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME,

AND MY DAD WASN'T ALWAYS A HAPPY MAN.

HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIS JOB.

IT DIDN'T FIT.

A MAN'S JOB HAS TO FIT HIS SPIRIT.

NOW, YOUR DAD'S JOB WAS A PERFECT FIT FOR HIS SPIRIT.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS ALWAYS SO MAD WHEN HE WAS WRITING.

RORY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW?

GRAM SAYS, "EAT, SLEEP, AND DRINK"...

AND DRIVE WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES.

YOU GOTTA LOVE HER.

RORY, I BUILD BIRDHOUSES.

AND WHILE I'M BUILDING THEM,

I'M BANGING MY KNUCKLES AND CUTTING MY HANDS

AND CUSSING AND THROWING THINGS.

THEN, ABOUT A MONTH LATER,

SOME BEAUTIFUL FINCH OR WAXWING MOVES IN,

AND I DON'T GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT

TO ALL THE CUTS AND SCRAPES.

THAT WAS MY PROCESS.

THE SAME WITH YOUR DAD.

IT'S WHAT HE HAD TO DO TO GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.

YOU KNOW, BANG HIS KNUCKLES AND WHATNOT.

IT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT FOLLOWING YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE UPSET WITH YOUR DAD FOR DYING.

AND IT'S OKAY TO SLAM A DOOR

AND, YOU KNOW, CRY AND GET ANGRY,

BURN YOUR HAND ON A CASSEROLE.

IT'S YOUR PROCESS.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLASTERING?

WELL, I KNOW A LITTLE. WHY?

YEAH, I THINK WE CAN HANDLE THAT.

RORY, DID YOUR DAD EVER TELL YOU THAT HE LOVED YOU?

YEAH, TONS.

DID YOU TELL HIM?

YEAH, ALL THE TIME.

WELL, THE CLOSEST MY DAD AND I EVER CAME

WAS WHEN I RETURNED FROM KOREA.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I MET TED WILLIAMS.

AND...

HE SAID HE MISSED ME.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID I MISSED HIM, TOO.

AND THEN WE SHOOK HANDS FROM ABOUT 3 FEET AWAY.

I THINK WE BOTH FELT, YOU KNOW, THE SAME WAY

ABOUT THE LOVE STUFF.

BUT IT SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE

IF ONE OF US HAD JUST SAID IT OUT LOUD.

GRAMPS?

YEAH?

HOW ARE YOU WITH BROKEN LAMPS?

NO.

YOUR FATHER NEVER MISSED A DEADLINE IN HIS LIFE.

OKAY, IT'S GONNA BE REALLY HARD.

LET'S JUST GO IN THERE, FIND YOUR DAD'S COLUMN,

AND GET OUT.

COME ON.

GO ON.

OH, MY GOD, I DREW THIS!

IT'S MY GIRAFFE. DAD KEPT IT.

HONEY, HE KEPT ALL YOUR ARTWORK.

YOU KNOW, I THINK GIRAFFE IS SPELLED WRONG.

I WAS 3, AND BY THE WAY, IT IS SPELLED RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE KEPT THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT WAS FROM WHEN WE WERE IN INDIAN CHIEFS TOGETHER,

LIKE 10 YEARS AGO.

WELL, OF COURSE HE KEPT IT.

I DIDN'T MAKE IT. HE DID.

WHAT IS IT? IS IT AN ASHTRAY?

I THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PENCIL HOLDER.

WOW.

BRIDGET'S REPORT CARD FROM THE THIRD GRADE.

YOU CAN TELL BY ALL THE C's.

WAIT. LET ME SEE.

OH, MY GOSH. IT SO IS.

AND THERE'S C-PLUSES.

LOOK, MY FIRST "B."

I CAN'T BELIEVE DAD DIDN'T THROW THIS OUT.

MAYBE HE WANTED TO KEEP SOMETHING

FROM WHEN YOU WERE AT YOUR ACADEMIC PEAK.

SHUT UP.

OH, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THAT IDIOT.

WHAT IS IT?

THESE ARE ALL THESE PICTURES

THAT I MADE HIM THROW OUT BECAUSE I LOOKED BAD.

HE KEPT THEM.

OH!

HE EVEN TOOK THIS ONE OUT OF THE TRASH

AND TAPED IT TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T BELIEVE.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S AWFULLY HARD

TO FEEL CLOSE TO A GOD

THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I JUST KEEP FEELING

LIKE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE.

I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

BE PATIENT.

DON'T LEAVE NOW.

I JUST ALREADY FEEL SO DAMN ALONE.

I'M NOT SORRY I SAID "DAMN."

WELL, IT'S ALL CLEANED UP DOWNSTAIRS.

OH.

WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO?

NOBODY.

OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD...

...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

SO, YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.

HON, THAT'S A BIG MOVE FOR YOU.

WELL, I -- I KEEP PUTTING OFF MY FIRST NIGHT IN HERE ALONE.

I CAN'T DO IT FOREVER.

IT'S SO WEIRD.

IT ALWAYS FELT SO SMALL IN HERE

WITH BOTH OF US BANGING AROUND IN THE MORNING.

NOW IT JUST FEELS SO BIG.

WELL, WHY -- WHY DON'T I JUST SIT HERE

AT THE END OF THE BED UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP

LIKE I USED TO DO WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?

I WON'T SAY A WORD. I'LL JUST SIT THERE.

NO, IT'S OKAY, MOM.

IT'S OKAY.

I LOVE YOU, MOM.

I LOVE YOU, CATE.

MMM.

SO, I'LL, YOU KNOW, JUST SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, DON'T -- DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL BE FINE.

OH, HI, DAD.

I WAS CHANGING A BULB IN THE HALL.

IT WAS OUT.

UNLESS YOU WANT IT COMPLETELY DARK.

OH, NO. THANKS. THANK YOU.

DAMN NEAR KILLED MYSELF.

YOU WANT TO COME IN?

YEAH, SURE.

OH, COME ON.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

DAD, WHAT?

WELL, I....

I THINK I FOUND PAUL'S LAST ARTICLE.

OH, YOU DID?

YEAH, AND YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME

WHEN I SAID I TOOK A COMPUTER COURSE AT THE REC CENTER.

I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN --

DAD, THE ARTICLE.

OH, YEAH, WELL...

I FOUND IT IN THE RECYCLING BIN.

I DON'T THINK HE THOUGHT IT WAS VERY GOOD.

WE SPENT FIVE HOURS AT THAT DESK.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE CLEANING OUT AN ATTIC.

IF YOU JUST DID THE WORK, YOU'D BE OUT IN 30 MINUTES.

IT'S THE MEMORIES THAT SLOW YOU DOWN.

OH, DAD, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

WE -- WE DON'T DESERVE THIS.

'CAUSE WE LIVE UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT WE GET WHAT WE DESERVE.

IF I GOT WHAT I DESERVED,

I'D NEVER HAVE YOU AND YOUR SISTER IN MY LIFE.

OH, DAD.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE

TO DESERVE TWO SUCH ANGELS OR RORY OR KERRY, BRIDGET,

AND, FOR PART OF MY LIFE, YOUR MOTHER?

YEAH...

WE JUST GOT TO BE THANKFUL

FOR THE TIME WE HAVE LEFT WITH PEOPLE

AND ALWAYS LET THEM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

OH. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN GOING TO CHURCH.

DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER. IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET.

I LOVE YOU, CATE.

I'M JUST SORRY I DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH.

OH. AND YET, I KNOW IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

OH, PAUL.

GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD MOVE SOMETHING AND LOOK.

MOM?

OH, HI, BEACH.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

OH, NOT REALLY.

CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?

OH, COME ON.

COME HERE.

OH. COME ON.

COME ON.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING, YOU GUYS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S DAD'S LAST ARTICLE. GRANDPA FOUND IT.

OH, MY GOD. MOM, READ IT.

YEAH, OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING TO.

IT DOESN'T HAVE A TITLE OR ANYTHING,

SO I'LL JUST START.

"OKAY, READERS, TODAY WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE POP QUIZ.

"IT'S MULTIPLE CHOICE.

"SO SHARPEN YOUR NUMBER-2 PENCILS

"AND PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAPS.

"READY? HERE'S A QUOTE.

"'DAD, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.'

"NOW, CONTESTANTS, THIS WAS SAID TO ME

"BECAUSE OF WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING TRANSGRESSIONS?

"'A' -- COMING TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE

"WEARING PAJAMAS AND BLACK SOCKS?

"'B' -- ASKING MY OLDEST DAUGHTER

"IF THAT GUY I SAW HER TALKING TO

"AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY WAS HER BOYFRIEND?

"'C' -- REFERRING TO RAPPER 50 CENT AS '50 CENTS'?

"OR 'D' -- ENTERING THE ROOM?

"OKAY, PENCILS DOWN.

"ACTUALLY, IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION.

"THE ANSWER IS 'ALL OF THE ABOVE.'"

"NOW, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CALLED MY FATHER AN IDIOT?

"ZERO.

"WHY? BECAUSE I FEARED HIM.

"BACK THEN, WE DIDN'T SHARE OUR DEEP, PERSONAL FEELINGS.

"OUR DEEPEST CONVERSATIONS

"USUALLY REVOLVED AROUND THE TIGERS' BULLPEN.

"BUT MY KIDS? I CAN'T GET THEM TO SHUT UP.

"THERE'S NOT A FEELING THAT MY KIDS ARE AFRAID TO EXPRESS,

"OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

"AND MY WIFE REASSURES ME THIS IS A GOOD THING,

"OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

"AND SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT.

"SO DO I WISH THAT MY KIDS FEARED ME?

"WELL, MY HOUSE WOULD BE QUIETER,

"AND I'D SPEND A LOT LESS TIME IN THE BATHROOM,

"BUT, NO, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT, WHENEVER THEY INSULT ME,

"WHETHER IT'S A 'YOU'RE AN IDIOT,'

"'WHAT A GEEK,' OR AN 'I HATE YOU,'

"AN 'I LOVE YOU' ISN'T FAR BEHIND.

"AND IT'S THE KNOWLEDGE THAT MY WIFE AND KIDS LOVE ME

"THAT MAKES IT SAFE

"FOR ME TO WEAR PAJAMAS AND BLACK SOCKS

TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE."

OH, MY GOD.

DAD, THANK YOU.

THAT'S ALL HE WROTE.

THAT WAS ENOUGH.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I WISH WE INSULTED HIM MORE.

OKAY, GUYS... IT'S BEDTIME.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE OVER.

Kerry: RORY, MOVE OVER.

Rory: I'M OVER AS FAR AS I CAN GET.

RORY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS?

THE LAST TIME YOU SHAVED YOUR LEGS.

Bridget: MOM, YOU'RE LAUGHING. WHY?

OH, GOD ONLY KNOWS.