Original subtitles

HEY, NEIGHBOR! FRED AND MARY ELLEN DOYLE.

JUST WANTED TO SEE IF WE COULD POP BY FOR A FEW --

HEY, NEIGHBOR. FRED DOYLE HE--

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD RETURN ONE OF FRED'S CALLS.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

THE MAN CAN'T TAKE A HINT.

HE WOULD STILL KEEP CALLING

EVEN IF WE CHANGED OUR OUTGOING MESSAGE

TO "DOYLE, YOU IDIOT, STOP CALLING."

HEY, NEIGHBOR!

OHH, WELL!

HELLO, FRED, MARY ELLEN. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH, YOU LIE!

YES, WE WERE. RORY, SAY HI TO THE DOYLES.

SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS.

WE TRIED CALLING,

BUT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.

YES, WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECEIVE

ANY INCOMING MESSAGES AT ALL.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE ANSWERING MACHINE?

RORY, NO, NO.

YOU FIXED IT!

IT WASN'T BROKE.

I SAID, "YOU FIXED IT."

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

OH, WE MADE DONNY A VIDEO POSTCARD.

HE GETS SO LONELY DOWN AT THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

NOTHING FANCY, MIND YOU.

THE WHOLE FAMILY GOT TOGETHER TO SAY HI

AND SING A FEW TUNES FROM "SOUND OF MUSIC."

OH, WOW. IT'S SO DIFFERENT.

YEAH.

ANYWAY, WE LEFT A LITTLE ROOM AT THE END OF THE TAPE

SO THAT BRIDGET COULD SAY "HOW-D'YE-DOODY?"

NOW, YOU TELL BRIDGET SHE'S UNDER NO PRESSURE

TO SING AND DANCE ON THE TAPE.

DONNY UNDERSTANDS THAT SHE'S NOT A DOYLE.

YET.

SHE CAN DO THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?

YES.

YOU SURE?

OKAY, THEN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.

WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT AM I THINKING HERE?

ON A MORE SOMBER NOTE,

THERE IS A CRIME WAVE PRESENTLY IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

OH, NO! BURGLARIES?

EGGINGS.

YEAH, THE FEENEYS, THE O'TOOLES, THE JOHNSONS

HAVE ALL TAKEN THE YOLK.

AND THIS GUY KEEPS CHANGING HIS M.O. --

SHAVING CREAM, TOILET PAPER.

OH, NO. WHERE WILL THIS MADMAN STOP?

AS CAPTAIN OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH,

I WANTED TO ASK YOU, PAUL --

FRED, YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD LOVE TO JOIN THE WATCH

AND GO ON PATROL WITH YOU GUYS.

PAULY, PAULY, PAULY,

YOU'RE FAR TOO VALUABLE BEHIND A TYPEWRITER.

WHAT THIS MALCONTENT NEEDS IS A NICKNAME,

SOMETHING WE CAN PUT IN THE LOCAL PAPER TO RAISE AWARENESS.

COMING UP WITH A NAME SHOULD BE A SNAP FOR YOU.

SOMETHING LIKE THE MICHIGAN MISCHIEF MAKER?

BOY, YOU WRITERS ARE AMAZING.

OH, IT'S NOTHING.

TO COME UP WITH JUST THE RIGHT TURN OF PHRASE,

YOU MUST HAVE TO WADE

THROUGH A MILLION STINKERS LIKE THAT, HUH?

YOU GOT GRIT.

HE'S GOT GRIT, HONEY. HE'S A GRITTY GUY.

HEY, BRIDG, CAN I BORROW YOUR GO-GO BOOTS

FOR THAT '60s PARTY EVERYONE'S GOING TO?

WHAT '60s PARTY?

OH, JUST SOME LAME PARTY.

I'M TOTALLY GONNA BLOW IT OFF...

IN YOUR BOOTS.

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, LISTEN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS.

WHEN I WAS THE POPULAR ONE,

I WENT TO MILLIONS OF REALLY COOL PARTIES

I NEVER EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT...

...'CAUSE THEY WERE REALLY LAME.

HELLO?

DAMIEN?

SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

I HATE YOU!

OKAY, SEE YOU THEN.

DAMIEN?

YES, THAT REALLY HOT NEW SENIOR WITH THE HOMEMADE TATTOOS.

WE HAD THIS SECRET DATE.

HE IS SUCH A GOOD KISSER...

EXCEPT WHEN HIS TONGUE RING CAUGHT ONE OF MY FILLINGS.

WHAT ABOUT DONNY DOYLE?

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK OF DONNY.

NOW I FEEL GUILTY.

YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.

AND WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU'RE TWO-TIMING HIM,

YOU'RE GONNA WIND UP ALONE.

HE'S IN MARYLAND. HOW'S HE GONNA FIND THAT OUT?

DAMIEN, I TOLD YOU I'D MEET --

IT'S DONNY!

YOU HAVE REACHED BRIDGET'S VOICE MAIL.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.

BEEP!

BRIDGET, HE'S NOT GONNA FALL --

HE'S LEAVING A MESSAGE!

OH, THAT WAS SO CLOSE!

WHAT IF I'M NOT ALWAYS THAT CLEVER?

IT IS A HIGH LEVEL TO MAINTAIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I AM SO GONNA GET CAUGHT.

I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ONE OR THE OTHER.

ONE OR THE OTHER WHAT?

YEAH, BRIDG. WHAT?

KERRY, IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MY BOOTS,

THEY'RE UPSTAIRS IN THE BOX MARKED "SHUT UP."

GOT IT.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

DAD, DID YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO THINGS

THAT YOU REALLY, REALLY LIKED?

INDEED, I DID.

AS A YOUNG MAN ABOUT TO EMBARK ON LIFE'S JOURNEY --

HOW 'BOUT CliffsNotes?

WELL, WHEN I GRADUATED COLLEGE, I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION

WHETHER I WAS GONNA GO TO LAW SCHOOL AS I ALWAYS PLANNED

OR BECOME A WRITER.

WHICH DID YOU CHOOSE?

ANYWAY, BRIDG, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I FOLLOWED MY HEART, AND I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.

THAT'S YOUR ADVICE -- FOLLOW MY HEART?

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I'M ALWAYS SO LOGICAL.

BRIDGET, THE DOYLES BROUGHT THIS OVER FOR YOU.

THEY MADE DONNY A VIDEO LETTER,

AND THEY LEFT SOME ROOM AT THE END

FOR A MESSAGE FROM HIS SPECIAL GIRL.

YOU.

OH, RIGHT.

SO, PAUL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU NEVER GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL.

SHE ASKED FOR THE CliffsNotes.

ANYWAY, DONNY,

IT LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT

PAST THANKSGIVING.

BUT ON THE UPSIDE,

YOU'RE MOVING ON UP TO THE ADULT TABLE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE TO DONNY

FROM DONNY'S LITTLE SWEETHEART, BRIDGET HENNESSY.

PERHAPS THE FUTURE MRS. DONNY DOYLE.

OOH, DID I SAY THAT?

OH, YOUR MOM.

OKAY, HIT THE OFF BUTTON, HONEY.

MARY MAUREEN.

IT'S -- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE.

HEY, DONNY! HOW'S NAVY COLLEGE?

NOT MUCH GOING ON HERE EXCEPT I GOT THESE NEW SANDALS.

BUT THE FIRST TIME I WORE THEM, THE STRAP TOTALLY BROKE OFF.

WHEN I BROUGHT THEM BACK FOR A REFUND,

THEY'D ONLY GIVE ME A STORE CREDIT.

OH, AND I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

I UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS

YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.

GOOD LUCK AT WAR AND STUFF! BYE!

YIKES!

DUDE, I'M SORRY.

SO, CAN I CALL HER?

HEY, CATE, LISTEN TO THIS.

I CAME UP WITH A COUPLE OF NAMES FOR THIS PRANKSTER.

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER --

THE LONE EGGMAN...

OR THE NEIGHBORHOODLUM?

UM...WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING LIKE THE OAKDALE VANDAL?

THE OAKDALE VANDAL.

WHO'S GONNA CRACK THE CASE -- THE HARDY BOYS?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, PAUL. THE LONE EGGMAN IS GOLD.

FINE, I'LL JUST TRUST MY OWN INSTINCTS.

RORY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

NO, WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER --

THE NEIGHBORHOODLUM OR THE LONE EGGMAN?

GEE, DAD, BOTH REALLY CAPTURE THE GUY.

I KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THE INJUSTICE FIGHTER

OR THE RIGHTEOUS AVENGER OR OPERATION...

"YOU 10th GRADERS PICKED ON THE WRONG GUY."

THAT'S TOO MANY WORDS FOR A HEADLINE.

I'LL GET IT.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

DONNY.

WELL, COME IN. WHAT IS IT?

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.

DONNY...

DONNY...

DONNY GOT A "B."

OH, HERE COME THE WATERWORKS.

YOU'RE THIS UPSET OVER A "B"?

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

WE STILL CARE ABOUT OUR KIDS' GRADES.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WE STILL CARE ABOUT OUR --

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM THAT BLASTED VIDEOTAPED LETTER.

FRED THINKS SOMETHING ON IT UPSET HIM.

HE GOT THE TAPE. HE FELL APART.

MARY ELLEN, IT'S TIME TO COME CLEAN.

WHEN WE SANG "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN,"

I SANG DONNY'S PART.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS RUBBING HIS NOSE IN IT.

"YOU'RE GONE.

I'M THE BIG BARITONE AROUND HERE NOW, PAL."

I'M NOTHING BUT A NO-GOOD HARMONY-PART STEALER.

FRED, I'M SURE STEALING A HARMONY PART ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

WELL, BRIDGET BROKE UP WITH HIM ON THAT VIDEOTAPE.

OH, NO!

I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW!

YOUR DAUGHTER BROKE UP WITH OUR DONNY...

ON OUR VIDEOTAPE?

YOU TOOK DONNY'S HARMONY PART?

YEAH?

SEE THIS?

LITTLE BRIDGIE'S BEHIND DONNY'S DOWNFALL.

YEAH, SHE ENCHANTED HIM WITH HER FEMININE WILES

AND FLAUNTED ALL HER WHATSITS AND WHOSITS.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE!

NOW, NOW, NOW, FRED, WAIT!

IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT.

IN FACT, THERE MAY BE A SILVER LINING TO THIS WHOLE MESS.

EXACTLY. MAYBE NOW DONNY CAN FOCUS ON HIS STUDIES AGAIN.

YES, OR MAYBE, CATE,

YOU'LL START SPENDING A LITTLE MORE TIME AT HOME

BEFORE KERRY TURNS INTO A BOY-DESTROYING HUSSY

LIKE HER SISTER.

WHOA, THAT'S TOO LATE.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSY? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH --

OH, I CAN'T DEFEND THAT.

I TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO THAT '60s PARTY.

DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?

BOLD MOVE THERE, PAUL.

LET THE 10-YEAR-OLD DABBLE IN THE SUMMER OF LOVE.

I'M NOT 10!

KERRY, GO UPSTAIRS. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

I AM SORRY ABOUT DONNY AND BRIDGET,

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN INSULT MY FAMILY,

SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE.

WELL, WE'RE GOING.

BUT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY, HENNESSY.

MARK MY WORDS.

THE EYES OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

NO LONGER WILL LAND UPON THIS HOUSE.

OH, NO!

HOW WILL WE EVER SURVIVE

WITHOUT PUDGY MIDDLE-AGED MEN WITH WALKIE-TALKIES

TO PROTECT US?

IT'S TOO BAD DONNY AND BRIDGET COULDN'T WORK IT OUT.

HMM, YEAH.

THE DOYLES WILL PROBABLY NEVER TALK TO US AGAIN.

I KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BUY BRIDGET SOMETHING.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

THAT! IT'S HIM. HE'S HERE!

WHO? WHO?!

THE MOTOWN DISTURBER.

REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT'S A KEEPER.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

A TOILET BRUSH?

ARE YOU GONNA SCRUB HIM TO DEATH?

WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TOUCHED WITH THIS?

OHH.

OW, OW, OW!

OH! UGH!

OW!

YOU HAD ENOUGH? HAD ENOUGH, PUNK, HUH?!

PLEASE, MR. HENNESSY. MR. HENNESSY, I GIVE.

W-WAIT.

OW.

DONNY?!

DONNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAD TO SEE BRIDGET.

I NEED TO SEE HER. I'M DESPERATE!

OH, MY GOD, MR. HENNESSY!

YOU BEAT ME WITH A TOILET BRUSH?!

WILL YOU STICK TO THE SUBJECT? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I HITCHHIKED ALL THE WAY HERE.

BUT TO SEE BRIDGET AGAIN,

I WAS HAPPY TO RIDE IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK

WITH ALL THOSE PIGS.

DID THAT COME FROM THE MASTER BATH OR THE GIRLS' BATHROOM?

WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEEING BRIDGET AND WINNING HER BACK.

SHE'S THE WHOLE REASON I WENT AWOL.

AWO--

DONNY, YOU'RE IN THE MILITARY. THIS ISN'T JUST CUTTING CLASS.

IT'S DESERTION. THEY SHOOT PEOPLE FOR THAT.

I DON'T CARE.

I'D GLADLY FACE 1,000 FIRING SQUADS FOR BRIDGET.

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOUR PARENTS.

DON'T DO THAT! THEY'LL KILL ME!

DONNY, LISTEN.

EW, YOU GOT THAT PIG STINK.

I AM SERIOUS YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOUR DORM

BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES YOU'VE GONE A-W-O-L.

SIR, I KNOW I CAN MAKE BRIDGET LOVE ME.

THEN AGAIN, A LONG STRETCH IN THE BRIG MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.

CATE, HE'S NOT LISTENING. OH, FORGET IT.

I'LL WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OFF THE PHONE WITH THE DOYLES.

THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE. THEY'RE ON ANOTHER CRYING JAG.

I TOLD THEM ABOUT THE PIG TRUCK.

WHERE DO KIDS GET THIS IDEA THAT THEY'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER?

PAUL, HE'S YOUNG AND HOPELESSLY IN LOVE.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT THAT WAS LIKE?

NO. DO YOU?

NO. BUT YOU PRETEND.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

OKAY, DONNY...

YOU AND BRIDGET ARE OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

BUT IF YOU OBSESS ABOUT HER AND BREAK INTO HER HOME,

SHE COULD TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY.

YOU KNOW WOMEN, HOW THEY ARE.

SO YOU'RE SAYING IF SHE SEES ME HERE,

SHE MIGHT THINK I'M A LITTLE PATHETIC AND NEEDY?

NO, I'M SAYING THAT SHE, ALONG WITH MOST COURTS,

WILL THINK YOU'RE A STALKER.

OH, I GOT TO GET BACK TO ANNAPOLIS.

YOU KNOW, THAT TOILET-BRUSH WHIPPING

MIGHT BE THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

THANKS, MR. HENNESSY.

YOU BETCHA.

DONNY, YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OH, NO!

GEE, PAUL. YOU REALLY PUMMELED HIM.

I FEEL BAD.

STOP GLOATING.

HE DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK.

NOT AFTER THE ASS-WHIPPING I DISHED OUT.

DONNY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I AM NOT A STALKER... OR PATHETIC OR NEEDY.

YOU SMELL LIKE A PIG.

Y-YEAH, LONG STORY.

BRIDGET, I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN BED!

I WAS STUDYING.

WITHOUT BOOKS?

EVER HEAR OF THE INTERNET?

THE COMPUTER'S HERE, AND YOU DO NOT HAVE A LAPTOP.

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.

BEFORE BRIDGET ENDS UP WITH A FREE LAPTOP,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOW DONNY WHERE WE KEEP THE ANTISEPTIC.

ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS HE?

NOW, FRED, YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

OUR BOY'S GONE AWOL!

OH, SOMEBODY'S IN FOR A SPANKING!

FRED, FRED! WHAT?

YOU WANT TO CINCH THAT?

YOU WERE IN A FIGHT WITH MY DAD?

IT WASN'T SO MUCH A FIGHT AS A...

THAT IS SO COOL.

...BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

AFTER DONNY AND I HAD OUR LITTLE CHAT,

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S GOING BACK TO THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

MOM, DAD, I'M DROPPING OUT OF THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

YOU'RE WHAT?!

BRIDGET CHANGED HER MIND. SHE'S TAKING ME BACK.

DADDY, LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S JUST SO EDWARD NORTON IN "FIGHT CLUB" RIGHT NOW.

DONNY, YOU CAN'T THROW EVERYTHING AWAY

FOR SOME GIRL WHO'S NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

IS IT YOUR LIFE'S MISSION TO DESTROY ME?!

ROBE!

YEAH.

BRIDGET'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE DONNY.

WELL, DONNY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE BRIDGET!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO LAW SCHOOL.

DAD!

NO, HONEY. I'M FINE, THANKS.

WHAT IS IT, KERRY?

HERE WE ARE ANOTHER MORNING, TALKING ABOUT BRIDGET.

OH, HONEY. I KNOW THAT'S HARD.

NO, NO. SHE DESERVES THE ATTENTION.

AFTER ALL, SHE DOES HAVE TWO BOYFRIENDS RIGHT NOW.

YOU GUYS THINK I CARE

THAT NOBODY NOTICED I SNUCK OUT AND STAYED OUT PAST CURFEW?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. BACK UP A SECOND.

OKAY, IT WAS JUST A FEW MINUTES PAST CURFEW.

NOT THAT. BRIDGET HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS?

NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN ME!

HONEY, OF COURSE WE'RE INTERESTED IN YOU.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT BRIDGET?

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS OTHER BOYFRIEND?

KERRY? WAIT, KERRY!

WE ARE REALLY UPSET WITH YOU! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

AH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

DONNY DROPS OUT OF SCHOOL TO BE WITH BRIDGET,

AND SHE'S TWO-TIMING HIM.

WE HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

DAMN RIGHT WE'RE GONNA TALK TO HER.

YOU NOTICE WE NEVER HAVE PROBLEMS LIKE THIS WITH THE BOY.

BYE, DAD.

SEE YOU, SON.

BYE, HONEY.

YEAH?

BRIDGET, YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH DONNY,

AND YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND?

ISN'T THAT FUNNY HOW EVERYTHING JUST WORKED OUT?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT DONNY'S GIVEN UP HIS DREAM

OF BEING IN THE NAVY TO COME HERE AND BE WITH YOU?

MEANWHILE, TOMORROW YOU COULD JUST DECIDE TO DUMP HIM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK I'M THAT FICKLE!

YOU DID DUMP HIM YESTERDAY.

THAT IS SO LIKE YOU TO DREDGE UP THE PAST.

THE ONLY REASON I BROKE UP WITH HIM

IS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO FOLLOW MY HEART.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT LAW SCHOOL!

CATE, YOU'RE HERE. GOOD.

DADDY THINKS I'M FICKLE.

OH, SWEETHEART... YOU ARE FICKLE.

GANG UP ON ME. WHAT IS THIS -- AN INTERVENTION?

BRIDGET...

YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO DONNY.

CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE WRONG? CATE, TELL HER.

WE'VE ALREADY TALKED TO HER. SHE'S A BIG GIRL.

SHE'S GONNA DO WHAT SHE'S GONNA DO.

JUST STOP WORRYING.

NOW THAT I'M GOING OUT WITH DONNY,

I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF WITH DAMIEN.

IF THAT'S YOUR FINAL DECISION, I'LL JUST WAIT FIVE MINUTES.

BRIDG, DONNY IS RISKING EVERYTHING FOR YOU,

AND YOU KIND OF LIKE HIM.

YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO.

WOULD IT KILL YOU FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE TO LISTEN TO YOUR DAD?

I'M LISTENING. I AM LISTENING.

IF YOU GUYS DON'T MIND, I HAVE A DATE WITH DONNY,

AND THIS SKIRT IS WAY TOO LONG.

OH, BRIDGET.

THAT'S HIM.

BRIDGET!

BRIDGET WILL BE RIGHT DOWN.

THANKS.

SO, HAVE YOU DECIDED?

DECIDED WHAT?

HANGING OR FIRING SQUAD?

RORY!

I'D GO FOR HANGING --

BREAKS THE NECK, YOU DON'T FEEL A THING.

GET OUT! GET OUT!

HEY, BRIDGET.

HEY, DONNY.

GOSH, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

THANKS.

I'M SO GLAD I DASHED MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS FOR YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU OKAY, MR. HENNESSY? I'M FINE. YOU HAVE FUN.

I HAVE A GREAT NIGHT PLANNED.

COOL.

ACTUALLY, DONNY, I CAN'T DO THIS.

DO WHAT?

YOU KNOW, QUITTING NAVY COLLEGE AND RISKING HANGING

IS, LIKE, THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

THANKS.

BUT I'D HATE TO SEE YOU RISK YOUR WHOLE FUTURE

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY OVER ME.

I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND IT.

BUT...

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS. I MAY NOT BE WORTH IT.

BRIDGET, YOU ARE --

NO, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. MY MIND'S MADE UP.

DONNY, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, OKAY?

HERE'S YOUR PIN.

OH, YOU BACK SO SOON?

YOU WERE LISTENING.

NO, I WAS NOT LISTENING!

AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

THAT WAS A TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE YOU MADE, BRIDGET.

IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU, DAD.

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BE SELFISH

BECAUSE I COULD BE RUINING HIS FUTURE.

WOW, YOU LISTENED!

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

BESIDES, WHEN HE GOT ALL CLEANED UP AND THE BRISTLE MARKS FADED,

HE LOST HALF HIS HOTNESS.

STOP RIGHT THERE. YOU LISTENED TO YOUR DAD.

NOW HE'S NOT EVEN NEARLY AS HOT AS DAMIEN.

NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH! YOU LISTENED!

YOU LISTENED. NO TAKING IT BACK.

YOU LISTENED!

Paul: HELLO! ANYBODY OUT THERE?

WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER...

AGAIN!

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY GO THROUGH A 20-PACK IN TWO DAYS?

IS ANYONE OUT THERE? PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT, I HOPE EVERYBODY READ MY COLUMN!