Original subtitles

OK, no, put the first string of lights

close to the trunk of the tree

and then zigzag it down.

Yeah, make it tight, Cate.

The goal is to achieve maximum brightness.

- Would you shut up? - What?

I think I can handle it.

Who do you think usually decorates the tree?

Those little tiny Charlie Brown trees that you usually buy.

I got a bigger one dangling from my rearview mirror.

This year I wanna do it right.

Yeah, by buying the biggest tree on the lot?

This isn't Christmas, it's lumbering.

Honey, I want it to be perfect, the best Christmas ever.

Oh, hell, good enough.

Cate, come on, it's Christmas, don't do that.

Lindsay, I have to be careful what I get Kyle this year.

I don't wanna look needy. I also don't want to look pale. Do you have bronzer?

You don't? Well, you should.

Daddy, can I have a party here on Christmas Eve?

Astonishing. No.

- You're right, just Kyle then. - No.

You said no to the party. Meet me halfway.

What kind of life lessons are you teaching me?

- Bridget. - Dad.

The Doyles just unloaded a generator

and a huge plastic reindeer for the roof.

Oh yeah? We can't let the Doyles beat us like last year, son.

- And whose fault was that? - I couldn't help it!

I hate this lighting competition.

It's like the neighborhood is a bunch of losers.

And this year, we're gonna be number one.

We're gonna have the best tree

and the best decorations on Oakdale Avenue.

How about a best present for the family?

Yeah, Dad and nothing from the airport this time.

I cannot believe you are still making me pay for last year.

There was a snowstorm. I was delayed by the weather.

I did the best I could.

I love my "I heart Chicago" coffee mug.

Don't forget the little teddy bear

with the "I heart Chicago" T-shirt.

And the "I heart Chicago" bar towel.

Everybody knows that airport gift shops

are crowded during the holidays.

Aw, and Chicago's a hub.

- You poor baby. - OK, make fun.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get everybody

the best Christmas presents ever.

This will be the best Christmas of all time.

It's like that, um...

you know, that, uh, James Stewart movie,

where he gets hit on the head

and he wakes up in Potterville,

in a bar with drunks and hookers,

and he realizes that he has more friends than anybody.

It's a Wonderful Life.

- Sounds like it. - OK.

What does everybody want for Christmas?

- All right, just give me some hints. - A motorcycle.

Anybody.

- I want Kyle to come over. - Anybody? Don't be shy.

Look what I found running in the street. Can I keep him?

Anybody?

When was the last time that dog ate?

Well, if you include tinsel, about five minutes ago.

There is no way Kerry's keeping that dog.

Well I support you one hundred percent.

I've done my tour of duty with pets.

There must be a dozen Popsicle stick crosses

out behind the garage.

It's like a tiny little Normandy. I'm off.

- Where you going? - Choir practice.

Christmas Eve is closing in and I hope we're ready.

With all the years I've put in,

you'd think they'd give me a shot at solo,

but they always give it to Mary Beth.

And you know why? Politics.

She always bakes brownies for everybody.

Probably eats half of 'em herself.

Oh, am I a bad person, Paul?

So I have to tell Kerry about the dog?

I swear to God, Paul.

- Don't step in the tinsel. - Yeah.

- Come here. Come here. - Kerry?

Come on, Puppy.

Come on, Puppy. Oh, Dad, isn't he cute?

I named him...

No. Don't do that. Don't name him.

How come?

Because if you name him, it'll make me feel worse

for what I'm about to say.

- Dad... - Kerry,

your mother says you can't keep the dog.

What? Why?

Because he needs attention, a lot of it.

No one's at home to take care of him.

- You're at home. - That's just an expression.

Honey, look, I tried talking to your mom.

Dad, you can't...!

You can't take him to the pound.

Do you know what they do to dogs at the pound?

It's not the pound. It's a shelter.

They'll find him a good home.

- But, come... - Honey, I'm sorry.

Fine.

Oh, Dad, look. He found a ball. He wants to play.

Wait a minute. This is from my autographed baseball collection.

Best wishes, Ty Cobb.

No big deal.

Dad, can I get a...

No motorcycle, no monkey, and no monkey on a motorcycle.

Lindsay's on the case, I'll have the info in no time.

Ooh, thank God. About what?

About how much Kyle spent. If I spend more,

I look needy and lose the upper hand.

And her heart grew three sizes that day.

God! I hate these crowds, annoying holiday Muzak,

herding lemmings to their spiritual death.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Paul, honey.

At least somebody's in the Christmas spirit. Hi.

- Something great happened. - What?

You know Mary Beth who gets the solo?

- Yeah? - She fell off a ladder.

- I was at the hospital. She's fine. - Good.

But there is no way she can do a solo!

- I think they're gonna give it to me. - Oh, Cate.

- Ooh. I'm a bad person. - No. Well, no.

- Did you wipe your prints off? - Oh, stop.

- That's great. - Congratulations.

- Ah, big whoop. - Kerry.

Puppy's at a shelter with 100 dogs

that are never gonna find a home.

But maybe he made a lot of little doggie buddies.

Who knows? Maybe he's got a little doggie girlfriend.

I'm not five.

I know. It didn't work then, either.

About as good as, "Goldie's gone to the ocean."

What?

Dad, now I know what I really want. A chemistry set.

Think of the explosions...

...of knowledge in my brain.

Uh-uh. No. No chemistry set.

Absolutely not. Paul, do you hear me?

Loud and clear.

No.

- I mean it. - Right.

- No. - No chemistry set whatsoever.

Kids, come with me and help me look for your father.

- Dad's not our father? - I knew it!

Told you.

I mean, a gift for your father, smart guys. Come on.

Lindsay saw him coming

out of Spencer's Gifts and he said my name.

Of course she wore these stupid shoes...

If he got me something from a novelty store, it so over.

For the love of God, be quiet!

So much for the Christmas spirit, huh, Paul?

Not you, honey, Bridget. Mostly Bridget.

Would you...?

I'm just trying to write here.

I don't have time to get mad at you.

I have to go get ready to rehearse for my solo.

Oh, no, did I let that slip?

- They gave it to... - ...you?

- Congratulations. - I'm gonna go get ready for practice.

I'm so proud of you. Way to go! Woo!

Dad, code red. The Doyles just unloaded a blow-up Santa bigger than their house!

Rory, I'm writing. Bigger than their house?

I gotta see this. No, I gotta write. I'm sorry.

Maybe you can write us some Christmas lights.

Because we're losing, man. And it's your fault.

Santa heard that.

- Well, Santa can bite my... - Hey!

Feel good about yourself, Dad?

I'm guessing no?

I just went to the shelter to visit Puppy, and guess what?

They placed one dog this week and 15 came in.

That's like the circus. Remember when they put that dog

in the clown car and then 15 came out of the trunk?

Where do they all come from?

Everybody wants the perfect pedigreed dog.

I can't believe how superficial people can be.

OK, Kyle better not be getting me anything from the soap store.

Kerry, honey...

- ...this might cheer you up. - What is it?

I wanted to help so I wrote a column encouraging my readers

to adopt pets from animal shelters.

- Really? - This is my present to you. It was from the heart.

OK, see, "shar pei" is two words.

Thank you. There's no need to hug me or tear up,

just Merry Christmas to you.

OK. If you really wanna get me a present,

you can help me with the pet adoption fair

at the mall on Christmas Eve, all of you.

But, Kerry, that's Christmas Eve.

Sorry, I have plans with Kyle.

And I've got numbness in my extremities.

Dad, eww.

Dad's right. Christmas Eve

should be like the very first Christmas,

cavemen sitting around the tree with Jesus opening presents.

OK, that's it! We're all going to Christmas Eve services,

especially you, Rory, and pay attention this time.

We're gonna hear your mother sing a solo.

- Oh... - "Oh," what, honey?

Well, I just realized I'm gonna be singing

in front of you guys and what if I screw up?

I don't wanna screw up in front of you.

You won't even notice us.

There's gonna be a couple hundred people in church.

Oh.

Don't look at it like you're singing

for a church packed with people.

You're singing for God.

Oh.

You guys can't come.

What? Wait a minute, this is your first solo.

Exactly and I'm nervous enough.

Paul, please, just think of it as a present to me.

Hang on. Everybody was counting

on spending Christmas Eve together.

I've gotta hold this to a family vote.

Kids, your mother doesn't want us to come

to midnight services.

- Cool. - OK.

- Fine by me. - See ya.

Dad, I can't get these untangled.

It's OK. Maybe we have enough.

Sure you don't need help? Kyle is great with undoing knots.

And hooks. And buttons. And snaps.

Rory, shut up!

OK, here we go.

Hey, Fred. Fred Doyle. Think I have a chance this year?

Would you keep up?

People might think we're together.

God forbid anyone think we're a family. Come on.

Kerry's not gonna be with us Christmas Eve,

we'll go be with her.

OK, fine, I'll keep it three steps behind you,

only because it's Christmas.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What now? - Hide me, it's Kyle.

If he hasn't figured out we're together by now, he's a moron.

I can't believe him! He got me jewelry!

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Why would you say a thing like that?

Because I only got him massage oil.

You got him massage oil?

And now I'm gonna look cheap.

- Uh, yeah. - OK, you're right.

Level the playing field. Get something better.

Rory, help me. Come on.

Don't buy anything you have to rub on him, sweetie.

Make it a real Christmas. Take a homeless dog home.

Idiot.

Hey, Care Bear.

- Dad, what are you doing here? - Where else would I be?

It's Christmas Eve and I wanna spend it with all my kids.

Then where's Bridget and Rory?

I don't know. Come on, honey, let's go.

No, I am not leaving until I find at least one dog a home.

I can't even get people to stop. It's like they just don't care.

Hey, you're a good-looking family.

But you know what's missing?

A good-looking dog. Hey, kid, you want a dog?

- Puppies. - Please.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- Hey, what's going on? - We found one a home.

- I thought you were hiding from... - Dad!

Hiding from Santa, because he knows

when you've been bad or good.

Don't worry, babe, that's just an urban legend.

OK, come on, let's go. We got a dog adopted, which is...

...not nearly enough.

Bridget, Rory, Kyle grab a dog.

- Great sad face. - Thanks. It's new.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy your pre-owned dog.

- You guys, thank you so much. - No, Kerry, this was nice.

It was odd, but a nice way to spend Christmas Eve.

I got what I wanted.

I got to spend Christmas Eve with all my kids.

- Dad, don't touch me! - We're in public.

Don't even think about it, Dad.

You're the dog nobody wants to play with.

Well, been there, pal. Been there and back.

- Bye. - Bye.

Thanks for your help. I'll take it from here. Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

- I'm gonna miss him. - Me too.

Nobody should be alone tonight.

Well, we better get going.

We have to make a stop on the way home. Oh, sorry.

This isn't the Home of the Big Boy.

You know, in a way it is.

Sir, could you move down...

Mary Beth.

Bridget!

Dad, I gotta do it or it'll drive me crazy.

- Do it. I dare you. - Dad, there's Mom.

Tell the truth. If we hadn't shown up,

you'd have been mad, wouldn't you?

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I was a solo.

- You sang beautifully. - You guys showing up was the best Christmas present ever.

- Was it? - Thank you, honey.

Eww.

What are you doing outside? It's freezing.

We were looking at the Doyle's lights.

The Doyle's lights.

Can we open presents?

Rory, not until tomorrow morning.

- Come on. - OK, you can each open one.

Rory, you first.

There's one right over there by the bookcase.

I think you'll like it.

A chemistry set! Thanks, Dad.

Paul!

So...

So where are our presents?

Uh, well, why don't you look

under the tree, Kerry and Bridget,

if you're ready for your presents.

If you're ready for your presents!

- Where? - Yeah, I mean,

- none of these have our names. - Keep looking.

This could take all night. Girls, turn around.

Puppy! Oh, my God! Thank you, Daddy.

Thank you.

- Kyle, help me find my present. - I am your present.

Oh, Daddy, thank you.

I'll feed him, walk him, and play with him every day.

I will too.

Hey, everybody, it's snowing.

Oh, wow.

- Nah, I'm just kidding. - Rory!

Whoa! What the hell happened?

It looks like the Doyles' lights blew out.

Totally blew out.

Rory.

I didn't do anything. I swear we were just looking.

You mean it just happened? Thank you.

Merry Christmas, Dad!

I just... I just don't know what to say.

This is the perfect Christmas.

- I'm here with my family and... - And puppy.

- And puppy. - And Kyle.

And... Kyle.

And the Doyles are gonna lose this year.

I'm the richest man in town.

God bless us, every one.

- You got me soap? - Gourmet soap.

See, it says right there on the box. This one's made of oatmeal.

I think you use that one in the morning.

I saw you coming out of the jewelry store.

Oh, yeah. Check out this awesome watch. Three time zones.

- You got yourself a watch? - Yeah.

Ask me what time it is.

I think it's time for you to leave.

Not in London.