Original subtitles

[rapping]

[alarm beeps] Hold on. Alarm.

There you go. It's midnight. It's poppin' off.

Right now is a lyrical tribute, yeah, to my Angel.

And it is because she is turning...

a whole year older.

♪ Turn it up, turn it up! ♪

-♪ Who's ready? Who's ready ♪ -I'm ready.

♪ She's the one, she's my number one star ♪

♪ First I had sex with her mum in the car ♪

♪ She came out her stomach like rah! ♪

♪ I never seen that before The first sight that I saw ♪

♪ I knew that what? She'd take over garage by storm ♪

♪ She'd take over garage by storm, cor! It's her destiny-ny! ♪

♪ It's her destiny-ny to be the first female garage MC ♪

Well, not the first, but... ♪ The first to do it properly ♪

♪ Lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy, it's hereditary ♪

♪ To be what? The best garage MC, cor! ♪

♪ Who's your daddy-dy? Who's your daddy? It's me! ♪

♪ Dah, dah Grindah MC! ♪

That was pure emotional inside. We're all feeling it.

Steves has even got a tear in his eye.

It might just be from the smoke.

But, I... Yeah, it was emotional though.

[Beats] Still liked it.

[Steves] Really enjoyed it. [he snorts]

Hold on. [coughs]

Evening, boys. All right? Come through.

The old birthday thing, you know what I mean? Bare early, like.

Easy! Ah, look at that. Look how she's holding the spoon.

It's like a mic. Natural instinct. Just like her daddy.

-Doing the cards and that? -Loads of cards, yeah.

Crack one open, see what it says.

-"Happy birthday, Angel". -That's a thoughtful message.

Not even any money in it, as well.

It's pointless if they're not gonna make an effort.

Don't worry, Angel. Nanna sent you some money. Tell 'em how old you are today.

-Five. -Oh, the big five!

My little Angel's getting old.

I started getting crow's feet and deep lines when I was your age.

So you're lucky Mummy knows how to fight the signs of ageing.

I've got a two for one manicure and eyebrow treading

at Brentford's Nails down the high street, just like a little birthday treat.

I've got something as well. I was gonna wait for him to get down here before I told you.

But Decoy is actually gonna be your chauffy...the driver, for the day.

-Thanks. -Cos you've gotta look good for your little party, ain't ya?

-Yes. -Yeah? Ah!

Party being actually organised by yours truly. Ah!

It's gonna be absolute madness, innit?

She's gonna be going mental, this little one, innit?

The thing is with kids, yeah, it's like quite hard to predict their little life momencies.

That's why birthdays are good, cos you always see 'em coming

and, like, make sure you're there for every one, like.

Not the actual birth, actually.

Cos the actual birth is different. We had a whole new aerial revamp.

We had to do the station up and that. It was bare madness. Miche understood.

Anyway, when she was on her way to the hospital, she ended up bumping into Decoy,

so he took her, it was fine. It all worked out in the end.

Even took some photos. I did make him delete them, though, cos...

he shouldn't really have been down that end in the first place, cos it's a bit...

Make sure you have a good time. When you get back, Daddy'll have a party sorted for you, yeah?

-Yeah. -All right. Sweet!

-Don't be running off with them. -[Miche laughs nervously]

-Course not, man. Do you want me to get anything? - Got it all sorted, mate.

Chabuds is getting this banging premium Polish vodka, like.

Yeah, but what about, like, balloons or a cake or something?

Yeah... Yes, I've got it all on here. I'm sorting it.

Come on. Come on, guys. Get out!

-Yeah? See you lot later. -Sorry.

Sorry.

It's all worth it though, innit? See the look on her face?

Ah, she's so excited. To me, it's about giving her a memory she will never forget.

Although she probably will forget it, cos she's only five

and, like, when she gets into her drug-taking years, she'll be wrecked then

and her memory will get wiped, so... Still good to make an effort though.

[Snoop Dogg Ain't No Fun plays]

-Sorry. -Oh, no! I like that tune, yeah.

-Yeah. -Even with...?

-You like this one, don't you, Angel? -Yeah.

[tune plays again]

All right, it's 35 for the smoke machine, yeah?

Right, chuck in a couple of the strobes

and I'll bump it up to 40 and we'll call it quits, get a little drink for yourself.

Boss, I got them vodkas in for tonight, mate.

-Straight from Poland, yeah? Fresh off the boat. -Shh!

Why didn't you just come a bit later?

Cos I knew that you were busy and that.

One second, mate. Just...whatever, just...

People actually read it as "polish".

So it's a good legal loophole that we've got going on.

The first few batches we had a few teething problems. People losing their teeth and that.

But what we've tried to do is make it as strong as possible,

without any serious side effects or notes for disabilities.

People in Southall are already going crazy for it.

Don't care! Don't do birthday cakes.

Get the geezer that comes in the van to pick one up on the way here.

Can I speak to someone that's...?

Give me someone that's above you, yeah? Don't touch that!

-Steves! Come on, mate. -Eh?

Wake up. You've got your set in a minute, you mug. Hello?

Right, basically, if I'm forking out all this for the smoke machine, yeah,

I'm definitely gonna need a birthday cake chucked in.

Well, I don't care if it's not Argos policy, yeah?

Change it! That's my policy.

There, that's the only one I could find.

Ah, thank you. Cheers.

-Put that on. -Shall I tuck it in?

Yeah, tuck it in. All the way round.

There. See? [laughs]

-There you go. -No, you're... Come here.

Cos we only really did the short ties in school.

-Shirt really smells. -Don't worry about how you smell.

Just worry about looking smart, that's the most important thing.

Cos I've got a job interview today at Tie One.

Not the country, the suit shop, the one next to Greggs in West Ealing.

So Roche knows the manager there, so...

-Got an interview today. - So you've got a good chance.

So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it, actually.

Yeah. Be nice, won't it, to have a job?

Then you could start paying some bills,

spending some more time with me and Craig.

Yeah, cos then... Yeah, then I can spend...

more time with you lot and that.

-That's better. -Yeah?

James Bond sort of shit.

Well, I hope he gets it. It'd nice to have a bit of money.

Cos it was all just me making all the money.

That'd be good.

Easy, boys.

[Roche] I think it'd be good for him.

I think he'd feel better. He'd feel a sense of achievement...

if he came home with some money.

You've got that job interview today, yeah?

Yeah, it's an absolute nightmare, mate.

-Do you want to do a bit of role play for the interview? -Yeah.

Okay, pull up a chair, mate. Pull up a chair.

Listen, mate, you need to be sure of yourself, yeah?

You need to be completely confident.

From the minute you walk in the door,

you grab the goat by the horns. Don't be afraid of the goat.

-That's your goat, okay? -Yeah.

You are going to penetrate that goat, okay?

This is, uh, this is where I work.

This is Quality Foods, quality and quantity.

I haven't always worked here, but, uh, you know,

I'm not going to pretend this was my dream,

sitting in a Portacabin, making sure that the Quality Foods, uh, are paid for.

So you need to know everything about ties.

You need to know what tie goes with what shirt.

What's the battery life like on my musical tie?

-How do I get these masala stains out of the tie? -What if you don't though?

I dunno if you can see, but that screen is just that view out of that window.

I have spoken to them about it and said, "That's what I'm actually looking at.

I don't need to look at it on the screen," but...

they said that's the most important bit of the car park.

So if it's a woman, you use your charm.

You'll be like, "All right, sex. I love what's on your face."

-Something about their face. -Yeah, yeah.

If it's a fella, if it's a geezer, you have a bit of banter with him.

"All right, dude, what you up to tonight? You going down the chippy for a pint, mate?

Smash some brasses tonight? Did you see the fight on Match Of The Day last night?"

-What fight? -No, okay, I tell you what...

Maybe for you it's best not to say too much, okay?

Keep it short, keep it sweet.

-Always leave them wanting more. -Always leave them wanting more.

-Exactly. Say it again. -Always leave them wanting more.

-Leave them or lead them? -Leave...leave, leave them.

-You've confused me now. -Okay.

[both] Always leave them wanting more.

-Exactly. -Sick.

So this is actually, like, a fish pedicure.

It's really good if you have dry skin or arthritis.

How you getting on? Does it tickle, does it? Yeah.

No, it probably won't, because I'm actually a qualified freelance nail technician,

so I do a lot of these therapies on Angel already so she's very used to this kind of thing.

-Oh, nice. -I was going to get some of these fish for my home salon,

but the man in the pet shop wasn't sure what I meant.

Being a mum is the hardest job in the world and the most important job in the world.

As soon as you give birth, that's like you've got the job

and you need to work hard and make sure you keep the job.

Daddy seems to like the fish, don't he?

Shall we see if Daddy would like to get his feet done, too?

-Um, nah... -He's not her daddy, no. Like, he's our driver.

-I'll just go to the car. -Yeah, see you in a bit.

Do you know what, yeah? You can shove your mini-Kias up your arse, mate!

Absolute mug!

Boss, let me know if you need any help, yeah?

I mean, anything you get from Argos, Chabuddy G can get you as well.

Tell you what, Chabuds mate, have you got a smoke machine?

Cos I've still got so much more on this list I still ain't got.

I ain't got...a cake, balloons, party food, strobe light,

banners, clown.

Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got Angel's birthday present.

Listen, mate, don't worry, okay? How much money you got?

-About 70's I reckon. -£70, yeah?

-At present, yeah. -Bit of a coincidence, actually,

cos you know I organise parties all the time.

I can give you the full party package... Let me just check.

It will include cake, balloons, clown...

Yeah, pretty much everything on there I can do for you.

-All that, what, for 70? -All for 70, mate, okay?

Party is practically my middle name, yeah?

Cha-Party G!

Do you usually do it from the top then?

That's how I was trained to do it, yeah.

Interesting. Yeah, it's like a foreign technique.

So maybe if we get a bit more, like, from below.

And take a deep breath. [she exhales]

Are you ready?

-Good girl. -[mobile rings]

-Hi, babe. Yeah, right now? -I'm finding Angel's present now, actually.

-Oh, okay. -There's so much, man.

Yeah, maybe, like, get her something different. She's got loads of guns now.

No, I'm not getting her guns. I'm by all the girlie stuff.

-I was just ringing to check. I'll speak to you in a bit. -Bye, babe.

It's mad, actually. Presents are a proper big deal to kids, like, these days.

Ah, these are all right, innit?

See that? That's sick.

Ah! She'll love this, yeah.

That's a good piece, that is.

I shouldn't have give Chadbuds all that money, actually.

Here's one though. Little trick of the trade if you want a discount.

All you've got to do is give it a little...

No. Good...good quality that is, actually.

-Excuse me. -Sorry.

Oh! Probably the best place, cos...

Read that. Music. That's her main passion, anyway, so...

What? Ah! No wires as well.

That is... That's sick! She'll love this, like.

♪ As we enter! As we enter! ♪

♪ Birthday thing for the one Angel ♪

I've smashed it, ain't I? You know? Yeah.

♪ Inside! Inside! ♪ Joke. It's not on, so...

They're in there. They'll call you in when they're ready.

Right. Cheers, fella. Thank you.

[whispers] Fuck! I think that was a girl.

Oh! Fuck, it's all fluffy. Look at that.

I love these. Water coolers.

So I'll just...

Oh, perfect. Yeah, that's looking smooth right now.

Free water here as well, yeah?

They ain't mucking about! They know what they're doing.

Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, I had to use the bloody stairs cos the lift is jammed.

I tell you what, I haven't sweated this much since my last Russian passport control.

-Grindah! -Hello, mate.

-Here you are, Boss. -Just wrapping up the presents.

Ah! Smashed it. Came through, yeah?

-All good? -Yeah, brilliant, man.

Let's see what we've got.

Chocolate willies? Everything's cock related.

It's my little girl's birthday party and there's cocks everywhere!

Listen, mate, it's still all classic party stuff, yeah?

All we've got to do is disguise it a little bit, okay?

If it doesn't look like a willy, you won't think twice before putting it in your mouth.

I'm not putting it in my mouth! I'm not putting anything like that anywhere near my mouth!

The company is called Chabuddy's Party Package,

which is a bit of play on words, if you know what I mean?

It's mostly aimed at hen parties. I've never really done a children's party before.

It's the same thing, really, isn't it?

-Where's the smoke machine? -I've got incense, mate.

-What's incense? -It's like smoke machines.

But it has a lovely aroma attached to it, free of charge!

-Not a smoke machine? -Not exactly, but I've got a choice of cherry or sandalwood.

Oh, for f... Definitely cherry!

-Good choice. -Why the fuck do I want to smell sandals?

-What's that then? -That's one of my favourites.

-Oh, willies! For f... -After dinner willies.

-Stop touching 'em! -Mint, minty.

Feeling quite confident, actually. Yeah.

Oh! Vibrating.

Oh, Roche.

"Don't fuck this up..."

-Words of encouragement. -[door opens]

Kevin Bates?

-Hello, Boss. -Hi, Kevin. I'm Chris. Friend of Roche's. How you doing?

-Yeah, good, man. You? -Good. Very good, thank you.

Lovely. I've got these boys with me. Hope that's all right?

-Roche warned me about them. -Oh, right.

Not Watchdog, are you?

No, cos we're completely above board here.

Yeah, lovely.

This is really just a formality.

Nothing for you to worry about.

Regional manager's sitting in. Going ask a few questions.

-No tests or anything. -Yeah, fuck doing tests, mate.

I've never done tests in my life, so...

-Um, anyway, do you want... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Have a seat. -Cheers, thank you.

Hello. I'm Kevin. Nice to meet you.

Just take this off. Phoar! Jesus, that's pungent.

So it's all about just making use of what you've got. Using your imagination and that.

So the chocolate penis cake is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?

Chocolate willies, now bunny rabbits, yeah?

-Novelty condoms, balloons. -Disgusting!

Business is all about adapting, rolling with the punches.

For example, I used to have this Indian restaurant when I first started out.

But I changed it to an Italian one.

There was just too many Indian restaurants in the Curry Mile, I adapted.

So in the menu, we changed a few things. We had the samosa calzone.

We had the spaghetti tikka masala.

We even renamed the chef, so Guda became Gino.

And Mandip became Mario.

Which was quite funny, actually, cos he was a part-time plumber as well.

Right, well, thank you for coming in to see us today, Kevin.

And thank you for having me in your wonderful establishment.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Well, my name's Kevin Bates, aka Beats.

I co-run a pirate radio station called Kurupt FM.

108.9 on the dial. Best believe.

Um, we play mainly garage music and drum and bass quite late in the evening.

But not the new stuff, more old school Jungle sort of stuff.

So, uh, yeah, I'm a DJ, but I also ad lib a bit as well.

I run it with my partner in crime, MC Grindah.

[Miche] We're keeping, like, numbers down this year,

so we've just invited Angel's main friends. So, like, Beats, Steves,

Weapon X, all that lot and, like, her Nan's coming as well.

A lot of her school mates are quite immature and a few of them Grindah didn't get on with.

So...just better to keep them away so we don't have any trouble this year.

[drum and bass plays]

Love this tune.

Happy birthday!

Come here! Surprise!

-Do you like it? -Yeah, it smells really nice.

It's incense. It's a new thing. It's like smoke machines but better and more fragrant.

-I love the balloons. -Don't touch them. They're a bit greasy.

Don't touch them either and don't let her touch the chocolate bunnies.

I've been surrounded by ties my whole life.

At the age of 13, when I started at school,

I really got into 'em. Just looking at the way people do them up.

Just wear them and, like... Yeah, so man does have a huge passion in ties.

Right, great. Moving on.

What sort of skill sets do you have

that would enable you to perform this role effectively?

Uh, skill sets?

DJ set eight till ten, so...

Do you want me to repeat the question?

I was going to stop you there, actually, Christopher, cos I need to head to the toilet.

-Okay, well, actually... -Don't worry. I know where it is.

Always leave 'em wanting more. Standard!

Job done.

[he raps]

Sweet!

[dance music plays]

Stop!

Turn for Angel, yeah?

-What is it? -Lucky girl!

No, Steves!

No, move it on, mate. It's not your game, it's for Angel.

Oi, Hitler! Let him have one layer!

Mum, be nice. This is my mum, Carol.

Don't tell 'em that. People think we're sisters.

You heard that once.

Keep it moving.

Keep it moving, Steves!

Yeah, there's, like, good news and bad news.

I already know the bad news, cos I spoke to Chris earlier.

-I didn't really get that one. -Course you didn't get it!

-Cos you fucking walked out halfway through. -Sorry.

I absolutely smashed it with this one.

Who's is that one?

Decoy's. Which one's yours?

It's pointless now. His present's massive.

-Mine's tiny compared to it. -All right, guys, listen.

Special appearance coming very soon. Get your party hats on,

cos we're gonna have a good time, all right? Special performance coming quite soon!

-Decoy! -I'm telling Decoy about my modelling days.

-Decoy doesn't give a shit about your modelling days. - Oh, shut up, lemon!

I don't know why you knock around with him, I swear to God.

You weren't exactly a model, you were an extra in a DFS advert.

Why have you got a massive present?

-It ain't nothing big, man. -Of course it is. Kids love massive presents.

Mine's tiny compared to yours. No, we've got to swap.

Bruv, no. It's cool, man. It ain't about size, is it?

It's easy for you to say, you're Jamaican.

No, don't touch the balloon!

Look, you have got to grow up.

I'm already struggling supporting Craig and fucking Debo.

-Who's Debo? -He's that fucking African kid me and Craig sponsor.

Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits though.

To be fair, you can't put a price on them things.

Hello! Am I getting through to you at all?

Yeah, sorry. It's that clown looks proper weird, like.

Where's his shirt?

Maybe it's just a modern clown sort of thing.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Now the special entertainer for tonight.

Mr Throb...De Niro!

The clown.

[Miche] Oh? Yay, a clown!

You've never had a clown before, have you, Ange?

Come on then, mate, get to it.

What do you want me to do?

[music plays]

[Miche] I think part of being a mum is being able to handle whatever gets thrown at you.

Like, I've got this mug.

It says on it "Keep Calm, be a mum".

That's like a slogan I just live by now.

Okay, make an animal out of this or something, mate.

Whatever happens, I always have to look after Angel.

Make sure she's going to school and not getting fat or anything.

And if, like, one day, I do look down on her and she's getting chunky or whatever,

then I'll just know what to do.

Oh, my God! You could crack walnuts with those!

Right, that's it! You're done, mate. Get out! Get out!

Sick! Get out! You're finished.

It's was good, wasn't it, like? He was actually, like, a technically talented dancer.

I'd like him for my birthday, Miche.

-I haven't been paid yet. -I don't give a fuck, mate. Sort it with Chabuds later.

It's a five-year-old's birthday party. She'll be scarred for life now.

It's all right. He'll come back.

You want to open some presents? That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

-Which one do you want first? -That one?

I think that's from Daddy. Maybe he should be here when you open it.

Why is it...? Is it closed. Oh, come on!

What's...? It's not moving.

-Oh! -Some baby shampoo.

Baby shampoo from Steves.

Couldn't think what else they really use, so...

Hello?

You're fucking joking me!

Oh, a doll's house!

Look at that! Ah!

I love it! I mean, Angel loves it.

Thanks, Uncle Decoy. What do you say?

-You don't like it? -No, I don't like doll's houses.

Are you opening Daddy's one?

All right, I gotta call.

No fucking signal. You got a phone on ya?

-You'd see it if I had it, mate. -What about you lot?

I gotta tell them to stop the party.

You've got a microphone from Daddy!

Best present!

♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪

♪ Here to catch a hyper ♪

[he joins in] ♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪

♪ Here to get you hyper ♪

♪ It's Beats and Grindah Here to get you hyper! ♪

Hello!

-Press that one. -Shut up!

Conducting.

-Just pure conduction. - ♪ Monday ♪

-♪ Is the day that we roll - Tuesday ♪

It's going straight to voicemail.

-Oh, you can tell. -[applause]

Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like, but she's also got her girlie side.

Like, half of her is me, like, girlie, nails, shopping.

And the other half of her is a bit more, like, violent,

like stabbing stuff and, like, breaking all her toys,

and, like, shouting at me and that's more like her Grindah side.

You got a screwdriver or something? Completely pointless, this whole thing.

Did you just fart?