All language subtitles for people just DO nothing T1 C3 sub eng.srt

This programme contains strong
language

ALARM SOUNDS
Hey, hold on. Alarm!

There you go, it's midnight.
It's popping off.

Right now is a lyrical tribute,
yeah, to my Angel,

and it is because she is turning...

..a whole year older.

RAPPING ON RADIO: # Turn it up, turn
it up. Who's ready? Who's ready?

# I'm ready. She's the one
She's my number one...

# First I had sex with her mum in the
car, then she came out like "Raah!"

# Never seen that before

# I never seen that before,
the first sight that I saw

# I knew that, what?

# She take the gallery by storm,
she take the gallery by storm, car!

# It's her destiny-ny to be...
It's her destiny-ny to be...

# To be the first female garage MC. #

Well, not the first...
# But the first to do it properly.

# A lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy,
it's hereditary to be what?

# The best garage MC, car!

# Who's your daddy-dy?
Who's your daddy?

# It's me. The...the MC.

That was pure emotional inside.

We're all feeling it.

Steves has even got
a tear in his eye.

Yeah, man. I think it might just
be from the smoke, but I would...

Yeah, it was emotional though.

Still liked it.
You still liked it.

Really enjoyed it.

Hold on.

COUGHING

Easy boys. You all right?
Come through.

The old birthday thing, you know
what I mean? Better early, like.

Yeah. Easy! Ah, look at that!
Look how she's holding the spoon.

It's like a mic.

Natural instinct.
Just like her dad, eh?

Got to do the old cards
and that, yeah?

Yeah, got loads of cards.
It's amazing.

Crack one open, see what it says.

Happy birthday, Angel.
That's a thoughtful message.

Not even any money in it as well.

It's pointless if they're not
going to make a effort,

you know what I mean?

Aw, don't worry, Angel. Nana sent
you some money, hasn't she? Yes.

Tell 'em how old you are today.

Five.

Big five!
My little Angel's getting old.

I started getting, like, crow's feet
and deep lines when I was your age,

so you're lucky that Mummy knows
how to fight the signs of ageing.

Got two-for-one manicure
and eyebrow threading

at Brentford Nails
down the high street.

Just a little birthday treat
for my little birthday lady.

I've got something as well, actually.
I was going to wait for him

to get down here,
yeah, before I told you

but Decoy is actually going to be
your chauffeur,

the driver for the day, so...

BOTH: Thanks.

Yeah, that's it
cos you've got to look good

for your little party, ain't you?
Yeah. Yeah? Aw!

Party being actually organised
by yours truly.

It's going to be
an absolute madness, innit?

She's going to be going mental,
this little one, innit? Aw.

Thing is with kids, yeah,
it's, like, quite hard to predict

their little life moments, like.

That's why birthdays are good cos you
can always see 'em coming and, like,

make sure you're always there for
everyone like, you know what I mean?

Not the actual birth, however.

I was just thinking,
cos the actual birth is different.

We had a whole new aerial revamp.

We had to do the...the station up
and that.

It's bare madness
and Miche understood.

Anyway, on her way to the hospital

she ended up bumping into Decoy
so he took her, it was fine,

do you know what I mean?

All worked out in the end.

Even took some photos.

I did make him delete them
though, cos he shouldn't really

have been down that end
in the first place cos it's a bit...

Make sure you have a good time, yeah?

When you get back, Daddy'll have
a little party sorted for you, yeah?

Yeah. All right, sweet.
Don't be running off with them, yeah?

'Course not, man.
Do you want me to get anything?

No, got it all sorted, mate.

Chabuds is getting this banging
Polish premium vodka, like.

Yeah, but what about, like, balloons
or a cake or something?

Yeah...Yes, I've got it all
on here. Don't think about it.

I'm sorting it. Come on! Yeah? All
right. Come on, guys, get out, yeah?

All right, yeah. See you lot later.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Ah, it's all worth it though, innit?

See the look on her face?
Ah, she's so excited.

To me it's about giving her a memory
she will never forget.

Although she probably will forget it
cos she's only five and, like,

when she gets into her drug-taking
years she'll be getting wrecked

and her memory will
get wiped, so...

Still good to make an effort though.

# Open up your gap... #

Sorry.

Oh, no. No, I like that.
I like that tune. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Even with...

Oh, you like this one,
don't you, Angel? Yeah.

# Girl, you gave me all your pussy

# And you even licked my balls #

All right,
so 35 for the smoke machine, yeah?

Right, er, chuck in a couple
of the strobes and I'll bump it up

to 40, we'll call it quits,
get a little drink for yourself, eh?

'Which strobes...'

Boss, I've got them vodkas
for tonight, mate.

Straight from Poland, yeah.
Fresh off the boat.

Ssh!

Why don't you come a bit later?

I knew you were busy and that,
I thought you might need...

One second mate. ..spare hands
and that. Just, whatever, just...

People actually read it as Polish,

so it's a... It's a good legal
loophole that we've got going on.

You know, the first few batches
we had a few teething problems,

you know, people losing their teeth
and that.

Erm, but what we've tried to do is
make it as strong as possible

without any serious side effects
or noticeable disabilities.

People in Southall
already going crazy for it.

Don't care. Don't do birthday cakes.

Get the geezer that comes in a van
to pick one up on the way.

'We don't just...'
Can I speak to someone that's...

Oh, give me someone
that's above you, yeah?

Don't touch that! Steves!
Come on, mate. Huh?

Wake up, you've got your set
in a minute, you mug. Hello?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Right, basically, if I'm forking out
all this for the smoke machine,

I'm definitely going to need
a birthday cake chucked in.

Well, I don't care if it's not
Argos policy, yeah. Change it!

That's my policy!

There. That's the only one
I could find.

Ah, thank you. Cheers.

Put that on.

I'll tuck it in. Shall I tuck it in?
Yeah, tuck it in.

All the way round.

There! Hey!

There you go.

No you're... No, come here.

We only really did
the short ties in school. Well...

Shirt really smells.

Don't worry about how you smell,

just worry about looking smart,
that's the most important thing.

Cos I've got a job interview
today, yeah, a tie one,

not the country.

The suit shop, the one next
to Gregg's in West Ealing.

So Roche knows the manager there,

so I've got an interview down there
today. Yeah, let's just say
he's got a good chance.

Let's just say, yeah. I'm really
looking forward to it, actually.

Yeah. It'd be nice, wouldn't it,
to have a job.

Then you could start
paying some bills,

spending some more time
with me and Craig.

Yeah... Cos, um...

yeah, then I can spend...

more time with you lot and that.

That's better.

Yeah?

James Bond sort of shit.

Well, I hope he gets it. It'd be nice
to have a bit of money, you know,

so it wasn't all just me making
all the money and...

That'd be good.

Easy, boys.

I think it'd be good for him,
I think he'd feel better.

He'd feel a sense of achievement
if HE came home with some money.

You've got that job interview today,
yeah? Yeah.

Absolute nightmare, mate. Yeah?

I tell you what, do you want
to do a bit of role play for the
interview? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? OK, pull up a chair, mate.
All right, cool.

Listen, mate, you need to be
sure of yourself, yeah?

You need to be completely confident.

From the minute you walk in
the door, yeah? Yeah.

OK, you grab the goat
by the horns, OK? Yeah.

Don't be afraid of the goat, OK,
that's your goat, OK? Yeah.

You are going to penetrate
that goat, OK?

This is, er...

This is where I work, this is
Quality Foods, quality and quantity.

I haven't always worked here
but, er, you know,

I'm not going to pretend this
was my dream.

Er, sitting in a Portakabin

making sure that the quality foods,
er, are paid for.

So you need to know everything
about ties. Yeah.

You need to know about what tie
goes with what shirt. Yeah.

What's the battery life on, like,
on my musical tie, yeah? OK.

Um, how do I get these masala stains
out of the tie.

What if you don't know?

I don't know if you can see
but that screen is just that view
out of that window.

I have spoken to them about it
and said, "That's what I'm actually

"looking at, I don't need to look
at it on the screen,"

but they said that's, that's the
most important bit of the car park.

So if it's a woman... Yeah, yeah.

..you use your charm. You'd be like,
"All right, sexy," yeah? OK.

"I love what's on your face,"
something about their face,
they love it. Yeah.

Or if it's a fella,
if it's a geezer... Geezer.

You have a little bit of banter
with him, OK? Ah, lovely, yeah.

"All right, dude, what are you up
to tonight? Going down to the
chippie for a pint, mate?

"Meet some prossies tonight?"

"Did you see the fight on
Match Of The Day last night..."

What's that? No, OK.

I tell you what, maybe for you
it's best not to say too much,

OK, keep it short, keep it sweet.
Mm-hm.

Always leave them wanting more.

Always leave them wanting more.

Exactly, say it again.
Always leave them wanting more.

Leave them or lead them?
Lea..leave, leave them.

Leave, leave, you confuse me now.
Always leave them... OK.

Always leave them wanting more.
Exactly.

Sick.

Um, so this is actually, like, a fish
pedicure, which is really good

if you have, like, dry skin
or arthritis, so...

How are we getting on?
Does it tickle, does it? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, no, it probably won't
cos I'm actually a qualified
freelance nail technician, so...

Yeah, so I do a lot of these sort of
therapies on Angel at home already.

She's very used to this kind of
thing. Oh, nice.

I was actually going to get some of
these fish myself for my home salon

but the man at the pet shop wasn't
sure what I meant.

Being a mum is the hardest job
in the world

and probably the most important job
in the world.

As soon as you give birth,
you've got the job

and then you need to work hard and
make sure that you can keep the job.

I'm trying to get him
to put his feet in.

No, he's a man, they don't do...
Daddy seems to like the fish,
doesn't he?

Shall we see if Daddy would like to
get his feet done? Yes.

Nah, I mean... He's not her daddy,
he's our driver.

I just drove down here, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Um, I'll just go to the car
actually. Yeah, see you in a bit.

Oh, do you know what, yeah, shove
your mini Kias, up your arse, mate.

Absolute mug!

So, boss, let me know if you need
any help, yeah.

I mean, you know, anything
you can get from Argos, Chabuddy G
can get you as well.

Tell you what, Chabuds, mate,
have you got a smoke machine

cos I've still got so much more
on this list I still ain't got.

I ain't got a cake, balloons,
party food,

strobe light, banners, clown.

Oh, fuck! And also I ain't
got Angel's birthday present.

Listen, mate, don't worry, OK?
Just don't worry.

How much money you got?

About 70s, I reckon,
around about that. £70, yeah.

I still got to get her a present.

It's bit of a coincidence cos,
you know, I organise parties
all the time.

I can give you the full party
package and it includes every...

Let me just check.

It will include...

OK, balloons, clown...

Yeah, pretty much everything
on there I can do for you.

All that, what, for 70?

All for 70, mate, OK? Party's
practically my middle name, yeah.

Chaparty G.

Do you usually do it from the top,
then? Ow!

Sorry, yeah, that's how I was
trained to do it, yeah.
That's how I'm going to do it.

Interesting, yeah.
It's like a foreign technique.

So maybe if we get a bit more,
like, from below.

That's it and take a deep breath.

Yeah, you're ready?

Good girl.
PHONE RINGS

Hi, babe. Yeah, right now?

GRINDAH: 'Looking for Angel's
present now actually.' Ah, OK.

'There's so much man, there's so
much.' Yeah, maybe, like,
get her something different.

Like, she's got loads of guns now,
like.

No, I'm not getting her guns,
I'm by all the girly stuff, so...
'All right.'

So I was just ringing to check,
so I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah?
Bye babe.

It's mad actually, like...

presents are a proper big deal
to kids, like, these days, like.

Ah these are...
These are all right, innit?

Seen that? That's sick.

Oh, she'll love this, yeah.

CAR SQUEAKS

That's a good piece, that is.

I shouldn't have give Chabuds
all that money, actually.

Here's one, though. A little trick
of the trade if you want a discount,

all you've got to do is give it
a little...

Ah, fucker...just...

No, good, good quality
that is, actually.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Oh, probably the best place cos...

..read that, music.

That's her main passion anyway,
so...

Wh... Ah, no wires as well.

That is...

That's sick. She'll love this, like.

# As we enter, as we enter

# Birthday thing
for the one Angel. #

I've smashed it, ain't I?

You know, yeah.

# Inside, inside... #

Jokes. It's not on, so...

They're in there, they'll call you
in when they're ready.

Right, cheers, fella, thank you.

(Fuck. I think that was a girl.)

Ah, it's all fluffy at the back.

I love these...water coolers.

Let me just...

Perfect.

Yeah, that's looking smooth
right now.

Free water here, as well, yeah.

They ain't mucking about,
they know what they're doing.

Uh!

Uh, God.

Uh, God, I'd use the...

I'd use the bloody stairs
cos the lift is jammed.

I tell you what, I haven't sweated
this much since my last brush
with passport control.

Grindah! Hello, mate.
Here they are, boss.

Just wrapping up the presents.

Ah...

Smashed it, come through, yeah?
Yeah. All good?

Yeah, brilliant, man.

Let's see what you've got.

Chocolate willies? Yeah.

Everything's cock-related.
It's my little girl's birthday party
and there's cocks everywhere.

I know, listen... Oh, for f...
It's still all classic party stuff.

No. All we've got to do is
disguise it a little bit, OK?

Think about it, if you change it
and it doesn't look like a willy

you won't think twice before
putting it in your mouth.
I'm not putting that in my mouth!

I'm not putting anything like that
anywhere near my mouth.

The company is called
Chabuddy's Party Package,

which is a bit of a play on words,
you know what I mean.

Er, it's mostly aimed at hen
parties. I've never really done
a children's party before

but, I mean, it's the same thing
really, isn't it?

Where's the smoke machine?
I got incense, mate.

What's incense?
It's like smoke machines

but it has a lovely aroma
attached to it, free of charge.

So not a smoke machine? Not
exactly... Fucked it up, great(!)

I've got a choice of cherry
or sandalwood. Oh, for f...

Definitely cherry. Good choice.

Why the fuck do I want to
smell of sandals?

What's that, then? That's
one of my favourites, actually.

Oh, willies, for... After dinner
willies. They have sauce...

Stop touching them!

Mint, minty...

Feeling quite confident, actually.

Yeah.

Oh, vibrating.

Roche...

"Don't... Fuck this."

Words of encouragement.

DOOR OPENS

Kevin Bates? Hello, boss.

Hi, Kevin, I'm Chris, I'm
a friend of Roche's. How are you
doing? Yeah, good, man. You?

Good, very good, thank you. Lovely.
I've just got these boys with me,
I hope that's all right.

Er, yeah, Roche warned me about them
Oh, right.

You're not Watchdog, are you?

No, cos we're completely
above board here. Yeah.

Er, listen, this is really just
a formality, nothing too much
for you to worry about. OK.

Regional manager's going to be
sitting in.

I'm going to ask a few questions,
no tests or anything like that.

Ah, yeah, fuck doing a test, mate.
I've never done a test in my life.

Um, anyway, do you want to come
through? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have a seat. Cheers, thank you.

Hello, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you.

I'll take this off.

Whoa, Jesus that's pungent.

So, you know what, it's all about
just making use of what you've got,
using your imagination, like, yeah?

So the chocolate penis cake
is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?

Chocolate willies,
now bunny rabbits, yeah?

Novelty condoms, balloons.
Disgusting.

Business is all about adapting,
you know, rolling with the punches.

Um, for example, I used to have this
Indian restaurant back in the day
when I first started out

but I changed it to an Italian one
cos there was just too

many Indian restaurants in the
Curry Mile, so I adapted, yeah.

So in the menu we changed
a few things, we had the...

The samosa calzone, we had
the spaghetti tikka masala, yeah.

We even renamed the chef,
so Gurday became Gino

and Mandy became Mario.

Which was quite funny cos he was
a part-time plumber, as well.

Right. Well, um, thank you for coming
in to see us today, Kevin.

And thank you for having me
in your wonderful establishment.

Er, why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself.

Well, my name's Kevin Bates,
AKA Beats.

I co-run a pirate radio station
called Kurupt FM,

108.9 on the dial, best believe.

Um, we play mainly garage music
and drum 'n' bass
quite late in the evening,

but not the new stuff, more
old school jungle sort of stuff.

So, yeah, I'm a DJ
but I also ad lib a bit, as well,

and I run it with my partner
in crime, MC Grindah.

MUSIC

We're keeping numbers down this year

so just invited, like, Angel's main
friends, so just, like, Beats,

Steves, Weapon X, all that lot,
and, like, her nan's coming, as well.

A lot of her school mates
are quite immature
and there are a few of them that

Grindah didn't really get on with,
so...

it's better to keep them away so we
don't have any trouble this year.

(There you go.)

Love this tune.

(Look at this.) Happy birthday!

Come here, ah!

Surprise! Do you like it?
Yeah, it smells really nice...

Ah, that's called incense,
it's a new thing.

It's actually like smoke machines
but better and more fragrant.
I love the bling.

Don't touch them,
they're a bit greasy,
so you don't touch them either.

And don't let her touch
the chocolate bunnies.

I've been surrounded by ties
my whole life.

By the age of 13, when I started
at school, I really got into them,

just sort of looking at the way
people do them up,

just wear them, and, like, yeah,

so man does have a huge passion
in ties.

Right, great, moving on.

Um, what sort of skill sets do you
have that would enable you to
perform this role effectively?

Er, skill sets...

DJ set eight till ten, so...

Do you want me to repeat the
question? I'm going to stop you
there actually, Christopher,

cos I need to head to the toilet,
if that's all right.
OK, well, actually...

No, don't worry, I know where it is.

(Move, move.)

Always leave 'em wanting more.
Standard.

Job done.

Sweet.

MUSIC

Stop. So, on Angel, yeah.

What is it? Lucky girl.

MUSIC

No, Steves... No, move it on, mate,
it's not your game, it's for Angel.

Let 'em have one layer!

Oh, Mum, be nice.
This is my mum, Carol.

Don't tell 'em my name.
People will think we're sisters.

You've used that once.

Keep it moving.

Keep it moving, Steves.

Yeah, there's, like, there's good
news and there's bad news.

Well, I already know the bad news
cos I spoke to Chris earlier.

Yeah, I didn't really get that one.

No, of course you didn't get it
cos you fucking walked out
halfway through!

Sorry.

I absolutely smashed it
with this one, yeah, come.

Come here, wait till you see this.

Whose is... Whose is that one?

Oh, it's Decoy's. Which one's yours?

Well, nothing. It's pointless now
cos Decoy's is massive.
Mine's tiny compared to his.

All right, guys, listen.
Special appearance coming very soon,

get your party hats on
cos we're going to have a good time,

all right, special performance
coming quite soon.

Yes, bruv. Decoy!

I'm telling Decoy about my modelling
days. Decoy doesn't give a shit
about your modelling days.

Oh, shut up. I don't know why
you knock around with him,
I swear to God.

God, you weren't exactly a model,
you were an extra in a DFS advert.

Why have you got a massive present?
It ain't nothing big, trust me.

Of course it is, it's bigger
than all the rest.

Kids love massive presents.

Mine's tiny comparing to yours.

That's all right.
No, we've got to swap.

Bruv, no, it's cool, man,
just give her yours.
It ain't about size, is it?

Well, it's easy for you to say,
you're Jamaican.

Don't touch the balloon,
don't touch the balloon.

Oh, no, you have got to grow up!

I'm already struggling supporting
Craig and fucking Debbo.

Who's Debbo? Oh, he's that fucking
African kid me and Craig sponsor.

Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits,
though.

To be fair you can't put
a price on them things.

Hello? Am I getting through
to you at all?

Yeah, sorry.

Just that clown looks
proper weird, like.

Where's his shirt?

Maybe it's just like modern
clown, sort of thing.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Now, the special entertainer
for tonight,

Mr Throb De Niro!

The clown.

Oh... Yay, a clown.

Never had a clown before,
have you, Ange?

So, no helicopter stuff today,
all right?

Come on, then, mate, get to it.

What do you want me to do?

MUSIC: "I'm Sexy And I Know It"
by LMFAO

Don't do that.

I think that part of being a mum
is just being able to, like, handle
whatever gets thrown at you.

Like, I've got this mug,
it says on it,

"keep calm and be a mum",

and, like, that's, like, a slogan
I just live by now.

OK, listen, make an animal
out of this or something, man.

Whatever happens, I'll always have
to look after Angel,

like, make sure she's going to school
and not getting fat or anything.

If, like, one day I do look down
on her and she's getting a bit,

like, you know, chunky or whatever,
then I'll just know what to do.

Oh, my God, you could crack
walnuts with those!

No, you couldn't. Right, that's it,
you're done, mate, get out, get out!

Sick. Get out.

You're finished.

That was good, wasn't it?
Like, he was actually, like,
a technically talented dancer.

Yeah, I'd like him
for my birthday, Miche.

I haven't been paid. I don't give
a fuck. Sort it out with Chabuds.

It's a five-year-old's
birthday party.
She'll be scarred for life now.

It's all right, he'll come back,
he'll come back.

You're going to open some presents?
That'll be fun, wouldn't it?

Yeah? Which one do you want first?

That one? Yeah?

I think that's the one from Daddy
so maybe he should be here
when you open it.

Why is it... Is it closed? Come on!

What's...

It's not moving.

Ah.

It's baby shampoo.

Ah, baby shampoo from Steves.

Yeah, I couldn't think what else
they really use, so...

Hello?

You're fucking joking me.

DISTANT SHOUTING

Yeah.

Sweet.

A doll's house!

Look at that!

I love it! I mean Angel loves it.

Thanks Uncle Decoy.

What do you say? You don't like it?

No, I don't have to say... OK.

Do you want to open Daddy's one?
Oh, he'd love this.

I've got to call.

No fucking signal. Have you got...
Have you got a phone on ya?

You'd see if I had it, mate.

What about you lot? I've got to tell
'em to stop the party!

What, you got a microphone
from Daddy?

Yeah, best present.

# It's Beats and Grindah
here to get you hyper #

# It's Beats and Grindah
here to get you hyper #

# It's Beats and Grindah
here to get you hyper. #

Hello! Press that one. Shut up.

Conducting. Just pure conduction.

Monday...
Is the day that we roll.

Tuesday...

It's going straight to voice mail.

Ah, you can tell,
you can just tell.

Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like,
but she's also got her girly side.

Like, half of her is me, you know,
like, girly, nails, shopping,

and then the other half of her
is a bit more, like, violent,

like stabbing stuff and, like,
breaking all her toys

and, like, shouting at me, and that's
more like her Grindah side.

Have you got a screwdriver
or something?

Completely pointless,
this whole thing.

Did you just fart?