Original subtitles

Beats, come on.

-Beats, look lively, mate, look lively. -Yep.

Leave the zoot alone.

[director] You've made a new track then?

Yeah, Grindah's been playing it, like, loads on Kurupt.

MC Grindah. Bang!

♪ Lyrical blow to the jaw! Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw leaving every MC down on the floor ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical... ♪ What you doing? Get up! You're not even standing.

The other night I literally played it for three hours straight,

so that anyone that locked in would literally just...

have been brainwashed into loving it.

Yeah, I actually still feel a bit knackered from it.

-[director] So you performed it all live? -Yeah, course.

Three hours live, back-to-back.

♪ Beats and Grindah killed an MC, someone take him to A&E ♪

♪ Perform some lyrical surgery! ♪

Put that fucking joint down now!

[director] You're not worried people will get bored of it?

-Mate, people don't bored of shit like this. -No, mate.

It's called a marketing strategy. Getting into people's heads.

-Do you know what I mean? Basic psychology. -Room 101.

-[track reloads] -No.

Still got the mid-point reload. You got to do it again.

What are you doing? You don't see Van Damme sitting down.

[beeping on track]

We're here for a very special meeting with XL Records.

Let's just say we're getting a record deal today.

Let's just say they've finally realised that we're the future of new music.

-We don't even like new music. -Yeah, exactly.

It's like the future of music that still sounds like it's in 2002.

It's...it's complicated. It's industry sort of shit. You wouldn't understand.

Yeah, you wouldn't get it. Can't believe we're here.

-[woman] Hello? -Hello. Chabuddy G here with the Kurupt FM boys.

-We're here to get a record deal. -Yeah.

Sorry, do you have a meeting with someone?

No, I haven't got a meeting. I've got, um... I've got a delivery.

-You said you had a meeting. -Just...

-Okay, give me a minute. -Trick, little trick.

The first rule of the music industry is that the music doesn't matter.

It's about who you know. That's why it's very useful to have a manager like me.

I mean, I don't know anyone, but they don't know that I don't know anyone.

So they know that I don't know that they know, so...

[laughs] Smart.

Pose, pose.

-Hi. -Hi.

Do you have a delivery?

No, I don't have a delivery, but...

Can we get a meeting?

No, sorry.

You fucking...

It's all right. It's their loss.

-You said we had a meeting. -We do have a meeting, just...

This is a... this is a warm-up.

Come on, on to the next one.

Okay, I'm going to be making notes throughout the day.

But otherwise, just pretend like I'm not here.

-You all set, Miche? -Yeah. I'm just checking...

-Good. -..they're all straight.

[Miche] So, basically, to get the hairdressing qualification

I need to do a test.

I have had a few tests in my life before. Um...

I tried to do my driving test. That didn't really go to plan.

I'm not into pressure. If I can relax a bit more, I can get it done

and not right off the car.

-They're all straight. -Don't be nervous. You'll be fine.

No, I'm not. No, I want it to go really well today.

It will go really well. You've got everything done...

-That's a good temperature. -Relax.

[sighs] Yeah, I am.

[Beats] Chabuds, do you know anyone at this one?

Who don't I know, mate? But, listen, listen, okay?

These lot, these are top dogs. We need to, basically, just act important,

and just head straight for the lifts, okay?

Keep it down, yeah? Keep it down.

-Come on. -There's no buzzer or anything.

-Shh! -Coming through.

Good morning. I'm here for work.

-Top floor, top dogs. -Oh, another day!

Yeah, be natural. Just blend in, blend in.

[director] So would you say you're in it for money or glory?

I'm in it for the passion, mate. That's why I do it, yeah?

I'm in it to lyrically destroy anyone that listens to it, do you know what I mean?

If money comes with that, then that's a bonus round, innit?

[Beats] And I'm just here for the ride,

wherever it may take thee.

I'd say I'm in it for the money.

-[bleeping] -Shut up! Shut up!

Baiting it up. Intense, innit?

Okay, get in, get in. Press the button. Get in.

Fucking hell, the walls are made of windows.

I don't even know what's a wall any more.

You'll have to get used to this, mate.

-Look, Atlantic! Atlantic! -The lost city.

-Is this him? -Yeah.

-Hello! -Hello.

-You must be Steves? -Yes, I am.

-Welcome to Lavender Hair & Beauty. -Hello, Miche.

Um, are you Miche? I don't know if you're Miche yet.

[director] So are you allowed to use friends in the test?

Yeah. I mean, it's not cheating. It's sourcing your own model.

You know, it's an industry thing, so...

So it's definitely not cheating,

but if Tanya finds out then, yeah, I would fail.

-Great to have you here. -Nice to meet you.

-If you'd just like to take a seat in our waiting area. -Yeah, sure.

-Excellent. -Sorry if I stink of draw. I've got a Q in my bag.

I've got yours in here as well, actually.

-That's fine, we'll just... -Sort it out later.

Cool.

This is it. Just around here.

-Ah, look. -Excuse me, can I...?

-Can I help you with anything? -Yeah, hello.

What's your position, role in the company?

Are you looking for anyone in particular or...?

Yeah, someone actually pretty important. Um?

Matt, Marty, Martin. I forget his name. It's, um...

-Someone from the A&R team? -That's it! That's his name.

-A&R, yeah. -Okay.

Tell him it's Chabuddy G with a hard "D".

-Chabu-d-dy G. -Also Kurupt FM.

-He'll know. -108.9.

-On your dial. -Hiya, Josh. Have you got any appointments today?

Yeah, there's a group down here with a...camera and everything.

Yeah. Say Kurupt FM. Say Kurupt FM.

Yeah. No, I thought so. All right, cheers. Leave it with me.

All right, bye.

He'll be down in about five, so if I just pop you over to the waiting room.

-He's going to come down now? -Yeah. He'll be down in about five minutes.

Just wait over in the waiting room. There's a water machine.

So A&R's surname? Shall I call him Mr A&R?

No, it's the department he works for.

-Okay. -Is there anything I can get you? Tea or coffee?

No. You've been amazing. You've done enough.

-All right. -You've outstayed your welcome. Thank you.

-We won't forget about you once we get the millions. -Okay.

-You know where my desk is if you need anything. -Thanks very much for your help.

-We're getting a record deal! -Ssh! Play it cool!

No, shh!

-Are you a real customer? -Yeah.

So I went for Steves as my model cos he's got a sort of fashion model look about him.

Weirdly tall and thin. He's got the cheek bones.

Plus he's the only one that would do it, but...

with the right haircut, he could look a bit like a super-model.

You know, like Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell.

Can I get you a drink?

-Drink? -Tea, coffee?

Did you have a drink? No, no drink, thank you.

Bruv! 14 years in the making, bruv. We're in it. We're here!

Oh, mate! Look at these. Awards. We'll probably get awards.

Although I probably wouldn't want 'em, cos we're too underground for that, so...

-Who wants awards, anyway? -Look at this.

Maybe you should put that back up.

-Just in case. -I think he's coming.

Shh! Play it cool, play it cool.

So do you want to pop all your stuff up here and meet me at my chair?

[he coughs]

Lovely. Oh, and just your hat as well.

Oh, yeah, the hat as well.

Yeah, I don't really like getting my hair cut, to be honest,

cos I find it really intense staring at myself in the mirror for ages.

Like, I feel like the mirror version of myself

is gonna do something weird.

Like, I don't trust him.

Don't, don't panic. Um...

So what sort of thing are you looking for today?

Is that? Oh, she's there, yeah.

Um, I would like a fresh crop, please.

-A French crop? Brilliant. -French crop, please.

-Work with the texture of... -Yeah, exactly, yeah.

We'll work with this, this sort of dry and thick texture.

There's a little bit in the middle where it's sort of matted together.

I think it's the start of, like, a dreadlock, but you'll probably get it out.

[Chabuds] Shh! I think that's him.

-Is that him? -Shh, shh!

Act normal and lay back, like you don't give a shit. They love that.

-Hi, I'm Josh, part of the A&R team. -Hello, mate.

-Hi, Josh. -Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupt FM.

-Hi, DJ Beats. -I'm Kurupt FM CEO, MC Grindah.

Yes. No, I recognise you guys.

-Oh, penny's dropped. -People Who Do Nothing.

-Yeah, that's us, yeah. -So is it serious? You guys wanna make music now?

Are we serious? I'll let you be the judge of that, mate.

-Yeah, we are serious. -Let him be the judge of it.

-Right, if you'd... -Shall we have a meeting?

Yeah, come this way. Watch your heads.

-So if you'll come through. -Oh! So is this your office?

Yeah. Just keep it down a peg because there's a lot of people working.

Sorry. Is this all right? Cos your Grindah's girl and that.

No, no, no, it's fine. I'm just gonna get you to sit back and relax.

-Maybe not talk for a bit. -Where's the armholes?

Yeah. No, there aren't any armholes. So I'm just gonna...

Because I don't want the shampoo in my eyes.

I won't let it get in your eyes. I'm keeping it back.

The government put, like, chemicals in shampoo to keep us blind.

Being a hairdresser is about more than just cutting hair.

You've got to be a people person.

A lot of the customers, you might think,

"Who is that? Why are they here?" Like, "They're disgusting."

You've got to be able to get along with people from all walks of life.

Even the ones who can't walk. We've got a ramp, so...

What shampoo have you got, actually? What are you using?

Shall I read the label out?

If it's government approved, then we need to start questioning it.

"Warning, avoid contact with eyes."

See, this is it. This is exactly what I mean.

MC Grindah, bad boy, raver. When I'm on the mic without the flavour,

when I blaze in a haze I bin the paper. Holding the mic like a light sabre.

And I'm lyrically darker than Darth Vader.

Um, thank you.

What that was, Josh, that was one of my earlier compositions.

I think what I was trying to say with that was that, um,

-the mic is my weapon and I'm all round better than... -Darth Vader. That's...

It's powerful, it's great. Thank you very much for letting me hear it.

-Goosebumps. Look at that, goosebumps. -That's...

-Oh, mate! Your water's off. -Ah, that's fizzy water, so...

Fizzy water? You lot got more money than sense.

-It is fairly common. -Band's money. You're a busy man, I'm a busy man, yeah?

Money talks, bullshit walks. Let's do some talking, baby, yeah?

Get ready for the Kurupt FM world exclusivity detract.

Get your fucking pen ready, cos you're gonna sign the shit out of us once you've heard this.

-Here you go, mate. -Play it.

Eye contact, Josh, eye contact.

It might sound a bit tinny cos it's off the phone.

This will be available in all formats as well, so CD, MiniDisc, MP3, MP4, MP5...

-Right. MP6? -Yeah, yeah, we can do that.

-[track plays on phone] -MC Grindah.

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

Leaving every MC dead on the... Like, in their own blood.

[Chabuds] These guys are a phenomenon. They need to be promoted.

So who better to... I could sell the shit out of anything, mate.

I've got the gab of the gift.

So I can literally talk my way out of a bloody cardboard box.

No, he's not getting it. Get the headphones.

-You need to hear the bass. -Guys, I got it.

-I've got headphones. -Honestly, thank you. That is...

You haven't had the whole experience yet! Please!

Guys, thank you. It's a pleasure.

Thank you. Pleasure to meet you. Honestly, thank you so much.

-Josh, you haven't heard it with headphones. -Talk to my assistant.

You're a talented man. Cheers. I don't need the headphones.

Thank you. Security, can we sort this out, yeah?

You need to hear the bass in my voice!

We're not gonna stay, mate.

Freaks!

Yeah? Fucking keep looking, mate.

Lucky the cameras are rolling, so I don't have to...

Not even fucking listening, great.

Why don't we sell direct to the record shops,

like Wiley and that used to do back in the day?

-Let's just do that. -What, now? You're going now?

-What d'you mean? Course we... -But I gotta go dad classes with Roche.

-If I'm late, she's gonna switch. -Oh, great!

-[director] Have you been more bossy since you got pregnant? -No.

I have not been more bossy, have I?

-Yes. -No.

Let's just go. Come on.

All right, you lot, see you in a bit, yeah?

[director] Does it cause friction?

What, arguments?

If he pushes too far, yeah.

Specially with the hormones now, eh?

Yeah, I didn't really know what hormones were,

but they're basically just these tiny balls of anger that live inside women.

Brilliant. You're doing really well.

-Just keep facing... -Keep facing forwards, That's it.

-And, um... -That's looking good.

-Oh, thank you, Jackie. -So just...

I saw her in the reflection, so I thought, "Check if she's there."

Okay, let's do a little bit of clippers.

Are these all doing tests as well?

No, they're already professional hairdressers, so...

-So where have we got to, Miche? -I usually work with darker hair than this.

This is a lot lighter, so that's why it looks a little mad at the moment.

Just relax, take your time, work with the texture of the hair and you'll be fine.

Great. Okay. Thank you, Tanya.

-It's going really well. -Oh! Oh, my God!

I just love cutting hair.

Do you reckon it's gonna be much longer? Cos I've got to link Alfie Danger in a bit.

I just need a couple more minutes.

Nearly done.

-Gonna sell some of these bad boys. -Yeah, exactly.

Let me do the talking, yeah? They know who we are in there.

Come on. Hello, boss. How you doing? You all right? Good, good.

Hello, mate. Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupft FM.

-Kurupft? -Kurupft FM.

Kurupt FM! You know who we are. Stop showing off in front of the camera.

Let me ask you a question, mate. How's business?

-Yeah, it's all right. -What if I told you you could double that?

Double what?

Just double it.

The key to being a good salesman is knowing how to sell your product.

For example, how much would you give me for this watch?

Oh, fuck! It's got a dodgy strap. It must have fallen off.

Okay, I tell you what, let me look for the watch and then just ask me the question again.

-You remember Get Out The Way? -No.

Yes, you do. Good. So this is the follow-up single from that.

-Right. -Now play the tune.

Raw. There's a dead MC on the floor.

-That's the heart monitor. It's a themed song. -Right.

-..Direction. -I think it might be MC Grindah.

-Who? -Who?

[he raps along with song] MC Grindah.

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw leaving every MC down on the floor ♪

[mobile buzzes]

Roche? I'm at dad classes. Where are you?

I can't go in on my own. It's a bit weird.

-[director] Do you feel more mature then? -Do I feel more mature?

Look what I'm dropping these days.

I mean, check out the chinos.

Just hurry up, yeah? Bye.

When you walk into a place with chinos on, they know you're a real man.

For fuck's sake!

♪ What you gonna say now, what you gonna do when Beats and Grindah are coming for you? ♪

-Do you like it? -Uh...

Yeah, keep listening.

♪ Beats and Grindah up on the track, guess you could call that double impact ♪

♪ Why are we so lyrically big? Cos we've been training, punching a tree for a week ♪

-[track reloads] -Is that a rewind in the song?

Exactly. It's the mid-point reload.

-And it goes back to the start? -Spot on. He's heard of it, yeah.

The mid-point reload is really going to change people's enjoyment of music.

-Exactly. -Okay.

-In a good way. -Right.

-I'm just not sure they'll sell. -Let me stop you there, mate.

I am sure they'll sell, so are you gonna listen to you saying,

"I'm not really sure. I'm insecure." Or me, that knows exactly what I'm talking about?

-Uh, I don't think it's gonna happen. -All right...good.

-Cos maybe you're not gonna happen then. -What's that mean?

Exactly. "What's that mean?"

-Don't... -With your tiny little shop.

-Sorry about that. -Freak! Yeah, how about that?

[CD clatters to the floor]

Have fun cleaning that up!

-I told you I was gonna do the talking! -I know, I know...

-That's why you fucked it up. -You said you know him.

I did know him. He's showing off.

Fuck that.

-Are you waiting for someone? -Yeah.

Well, come in and wait. That's fine.

Roche, thought it would be a good idea, actually, if we went on a parenting course.

It was when he asked whether babies ever come out the arsehole by accident.

Well, that's a simple mistake to make, mate. They are very close to each other.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

Hiya, Tina. Uh, 25 weeks.

And we're having a boy, little Tyler.

Oh, named him already. Congratulations.

All right. I'm Darren. Obviously, I'm not pregnant,

but was involved in the process, so, you know...

-Hello, I'm Jack. -Hello, Jack.

Hello, I'm Laura. I'm 23 weeks.

And we've actually decided to keep it a surprise.

Good for you. Lots of people do.

Not everyone wants everyone to know, so there we go.

Hello. Um... My name's Kevin Bates.

-Hello, Kevin. -Aka Beats, aka the Albino Seal.

-Right, so, um... -And, um...

This is a picture of my partner, Roche.

-Right. -Um, she's not here yet, cos she had an emergency at work.

-Ah, so she's joining? -Yeah, she is coming.

That's all right, man. You can have a go on mine if she don't turn up.

-Love that! What's your name, mate? -Darren. This is Tina.

Hello, Tina. Don't worry, I don't want to have a go on you.

I mean, I would if... and you weren't...

-[Darren laughs] -Um, afraid we're going to have to start now.

-How are we getting on? -Yeah.

-We're nearly done, aren't we, Steves? -Sorry...

-Sorry. -It's good that you're so comfortable.

I get weird about haircuts. I did a load of Valium earlier.

-Just to calm me down. -Oh? Why not, eh?

-Yeah. -Just get him finished up...

-Yeah. -And out. Yep.

Yeah, okay.

Always better with a bit of gel, innit? Just gonna...

This is where you'll really see the transformation.

Wow!

Okay, so would you like to just hold your baby

how you think a baby would be held, so...

Just support the neck, Kevin.

-Doing a lovely job there. -All right?

-Oh, hello. -Sorry I'm late.

-Roche. -Hello there.

-Hi. -My dad used to do that one.

-Whey! -Kevin. We are treating these dolls like babies at the moment.

I know but they're not.

[director] Do you have high expectations for Beats at the birth time?

I have high expectations of Kevin,

but I also am aware of what Kevin will be able to do.

So, in the sense that, I have high expectations of what I would like him to do,

but I have very low expectations of what I actually expect him to do.

But babies, do they like sort of jokes and that?

Not proper jokes, but joke stuff?

Babies like to laugh, of course, like everybody.

The same emotions as us.

Brilliant, wow!

I like how you do the little space in between each strand.

It's my own little technique actually.

Can I ask you if I can get a picture of the hair just to put in my gallery?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Model for you. Modelling.

-Smile. -[camera clicks]

Great. Okay. Perfect. So I think we're all done now.

Yeah, take that off, yeah.

-Great. I love it, I really love it. -VIP treatment.

All right. Do you want me to give you this ting now or...?

-No, no. Just... -Bit late, innit?

Okay. Wow! You look like a footballer or something.

Proper, proper celebrity look. Wow!

Better with the hat on though, innit?

Feel like a crack head without the hat. Uh!

-All right, see you later. -Bye.

-Thank you. -Bye.

Bye.

Oh, wow.

He just put the hat straight on. What's he doing?

He smelt of drugs.

He smelt of drugs.

Ah, it just seems pointless.

You can't sell things on the internet. How d'you get the money?

Mate, trust me, okay? Everyone's doing it right now.

People don't want to go to the shop to buy music.

People don't want to go to labels, mate. It's all about downloading.

-The internet. -I still reckon the internet's gonna blow over any day.

No, mate. Trust me, okay? Think about it. Right now, we live in the now generation.

People want everything now, okay?

Instant coffee, fast food, fast internet.

-Yeah. -Even fast sex. Three minutes max.

Get it in, stick it back out, clean yourself up, get the hell out.

I don't even know what you're talking about any more.

You started off and then always just go back down to sex.

Yeah. Sorry, I'm just...

very sexually frustrated at the moment.

Yeah, that's...

-You did great today, Miche. -Thank you.

-Looks like we've got a natural hairdresser in our midst. -Oh, thanks.

You did well, actually, cos he was a bit of a tricky customer.

-He was off his face, actually. -Druggy eyes, I know that.

Yeah, well, you know what they say?

You've got to handle people from all walks of life as a hairdresser.

-So just doing my job really. -That is very true.

Wow, next time you come in, Mrs Beaumont, might be our Miche here cutting your hair.

Oh, my God! I mean, I would love that.

I've never cut long hair before, so it would be a dream come true.

Have you ever thought of going a bit shorter?

So what I want you to do is open your nappies.

And I want you to tell me whether you think

you've got a healthy nappy or an unhealthy nappy.

Ugh! That is mental.

-Is that real? -No, it's not real. Calm down.

-Excuse me, is that real? -No, Kevin, it's not real.

-It's just for the purposes of the exercise. -Cool.

What have you got there?

Yeah, it's mustard. Does that mean it's unhealthy?

-What do you think, Kevin? -I think it'd be a bit painful to shit out pure mustard.

Ah! That's Darren. That's Darren.

Yeah, he's well safe. What did you get?

-We got peanut butter. -Peanut butter?!

Yeah. Seriously, spread that shit on some toast!

-This is just representing... -Oh!

I've had shits like peanut butter before. Oh!

-Can we settle, please, so we can learn? -Oh, that's disgusting!

And...there we go.

It's official. Our records are now available to purchase

exclusively online.

Oh, mate! That's embarrassing.

I've now been officially signed to eBay, mate.

I am now the CEO of Kurupt FM Worldwide.

-Trust me. -Baby!

♪Celebrate good times, Come on!♪ - Come on

-Whack it in there.

-Big ups, brother. -Big up.

-To Kurupt FM Worldwide! -To Kurupt FM Worldwide!

Shall we say "pick up only"?

Yeah, make sure they come to Brentford.

[director] In five years' time, where do you see yourselves?

I'll probably be, you know... I'll probably move to a nicer part of Hounslow.

I'll probably get a double Portakabin.

-So double-decker Portakabin. -We're gonna have a castle in Jamaica.

-Slash club-house. -It's one of my plans.

Come down on holiday to Jamaica.

I'll visit these boys in Jamaica.

I'll be micro-managing them from Hounslow.

I tell you what, actually, look. You've signed this one.

So it's a limited edition. We could probably charge more for that.

Love that. Whack it on for a grand.

-Really? What, a grand? -Two grand, actually, you're right.

I think any more than that might limit sales.

Ah! That's lovely, that is.

So there are three basic stages to labour.

You've got the dilation. This is when you'll probably notice some discharge from your vagina.

Basically, the mucus plug that's been keeping infection

from going into your womb and affecting your baby, this is when it passes out.

-Is that only if it goes wrong? -No, this is if it goes well. We haven't got to the bad stuff.

-[drum and bass plays] -Look at that.

That's mad. Our single's literally worth more than anyone's on there.

What does that tell you?

It tells you I'm better than them.

Look at that.

[Beats] What these boys done is incredible. Our own label.

Trust me, Kurupt FM will always be groundbreaking, yeah?

-We'll just hit the ground running and break it. -Yeah.

Free champagne. It's all part of the music life.

We'll take it out of the first pay cheque.

Well, it wasn't signed off.

-Signed off at management level. -Overruled by CEO.

[Beats] We don't need some mucky label telling us what to do, giving us bare money.

No amount would be enough. You can't put a price on what we're worth.

-Exactly, we're worthless. -Exactly.

Aah!