Original subtitles

-[drum and bass plays] -Stevie!

-I'm gonna shoot off, mate. -Yeah, yeah.

I've topped up your snack bowl. All right, mate?

Sweet, bruv!

Just locking him in to keep him safe.

You know, business is going great at the moment.

I have my T-shirt business. I have my internet cabin café business.

But the hardest business to manage is the business of love, you know?

I will wait for Aldona...

for as long as it takes.

If she needs to blow off a bit of steam and a bit of my money,

then that's her business. It's good to blow off steam.

There's no shame in that.

It's healthy.

[Miche] First one in, last one to leave.

Shows I'm dedicated though.

[alarm beeps]

[alarm stops]

-I'm a bit tired today though. -[director] So why are you tired?

Oh, Grindah's got insomnia because of the weed drought.

So he just kept waking me up through the night to check if I'd gone to sleep yet

and asking me for glasses of water and that. Bless him.

Danger. How's it going, man? You all right?

Yeah, still doing the radio stuff.

Just wanted to know if you've got anything at the moment.

He will buy a zoot, like, literally, it's that bad.

Obviously, I can function without weed, but I choose not to.

Cos, like, if I don't smoke, like, I start getting headaches,

worrying about everything. "Oh, I've got bills to pay!

Oh, someone's gonna cut off the whatever if I don't pay it now."

Weed helps you forget all that.

Alfie Dangers got nothing, man.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Decoy, come on, mate, you must be able to get something. You're a Rasta, for fuck's sake.

-I'm not a Rasta. -Course you are. Just cos you ain't got all the long hair.

Don't sell yourself short, Decoy.

-Don't tell him anything, it's wasted on him. -Yeah.

There she is! You did it! Congratulations!

-Oh, thank you. -Oh, bless!

-Look at it. -It looks brilliant.

Angela's passed her level one hairdresser's certificate.

-Great! -Yeah?

-Put that in a frame, Miche. -Oh, okay, then.

-What did your mum say? -It doesn't really need to be framed.

Well, Angela's been here a bit longer than me,

but we're both trainee hairdressers.

So, basically, what that means is that we are training to become hairdressers, so...

Are roles are basically the same. She's definitely not above me.

Look at that! Pride of place. "Level one hairdressing, Angela Wilson".

I mean, obviously, for me, the big dream is

I'm going to have my own beauty range with my face on it, so...

Probably aiming a little bit higher than her, cos, not being funny,

but I don't think her face would really work for a beauty range.

[Tanya] Cos today's a special day, as you know,

you're with Susan all day. You're going to be working on colours.

-[Angela] Oh, my God! Are you serious? -Yeah! You deserve it.

-You all right, Miche? -Yeah, I'm just sweeping.

Actually, Miche, I've got a nail appointment

-in about 20 minutes... -Yeah, I can do that.

Not "do" the appointment. I was thinking if you could just clear up in the treatment room.

-Do a couple of Brazilians in there yesterday. -Yeah, I can do that.

It's a little bit of a state in there. Yeah?

Good lad, good lad.

That's it. Good guy.

There we go. Stevie, you're a machine, mate! You don't bloody stop.

I did actually try and stop, but the door was, like, locked.

Probably jammed or something. Anyway, listen...

You're a free man now and tomorrow these T-shirts

are going to be all the talk of Hounslow high street.

D&G T-shirts at half the retail price of Dolce & Gabbana.

It's D&G.

Deepak & Gurdev have a right to make their own T-shirts, too, mate.

Know what I mean? Oh, mate.

We are going to make so much money, man!

We are? Do I get paid or anything?

Yeah, obviously, you get... you get your printing free,

which I was going to give to you anyway.

Let's see how much that is.

Round it up, cash flow, net profit, take away the working tax credit.

-Let's round it up to a tenner. -Oh, rounded it up as well.

Ten pounds just for that!

I'll keep that safe.

It's actually safer than a wallet, cos you can't really lose socks while they're on.

All right, man. I'm gonna do one.

Have a nap, mate. He hasn't slept for, like, four days.

[drum and bass plays]

Gonna have to have a scud zoot.

Got a few crumbs here. Have you found anything?

Tiny bit of resin. Couple of seeds from that bush me and Steves had as well.

Did you ever used to watch Blue Peter back in the day?

-No. -Maybe we could just bury bare weed in a time capsule

and just put it in the garden.

Or we could bury these seeds in a plant pot

and grow our own.

That's sick. We'd never have a drought again.

Yeah. We could even call it the Kurupt FM weed farm!

Oh! You can put it in the bathroom as well. It'd be like a natural air freshener.

You could, like, bill a zoot whilst taking a shit.

-Oh! -Proper luxurious.

-I would love that. -[director] Have you ever grown weed before?

Well...

You know, I mean...

I mean, that's not something we could actually talk about on camera.

But let's say, if you had a helicopter with a heat-sensitive camera on,

floating over the top of Kurupt, you'd know what time it is.

Exactly. That's all we're saying.

-So you have? -That's all we're saying.

-My lips are sealed. -Exactly. So are mine.

Aldona?

Oh, my...

Baby!

-I'm so sorry. -You came back!

Where the fuck have you been? I was so worried.

I can't even describe it. There's no words.

All the doubters were doubting me and, like,

they were all saying, "Oh, you're crazy." And you know what? Maybe I am.

But the voices in my head, they were telling me, like, "Just end it all, mate.

You're a failure. There's no point. What's the point, mate? Kill yourself!"

But, no, no. If it's crazy to be in love,

then I'm bloody mental, bat-shit crazy, mate.

Lock me up.

Your hair's looking in really good condition.

Yeah, like, really good, considering you're getting it coloured and stuff.

You must condition it a lot. Just keep doing what you're doing.

I think you might have missed a bit there, Angela.

Did you actually find your course useful then?

Yeah, it was really good, actually.

I always feel like hairdressing is a natural talent for me.

I don't really need to do a course.

I just did it cos you need the qualification, don't ya?

-If you're gonna cut hair in a salon and that. -Yeah, yeah.

I'm doing one at the moment, actually. I'm just saying that I don't need one, so...

-Where did you do yours then? -Hammersmith.

Oh, all right. You went for a local one.

-Yeah. Why, where'd you do yours? -Mine's actually international.

-Really? Whereabouts? -The internet.

It's an online course, but the internet's based in America.

Well, I haven't started the online course yet, but I'm in the enrolment process.

So I've started my online application.

So I've put in my email address and my name and that kind of thing.

I just need to put in my payment details and then I'll be good to go.

-You've had two already! -Sorry, mate.

Three tokes.

[door closes]

-Yes, you lot. -Yeah, Steves. Hi.

-Is that a zoot? -Nah, there's only a tiny bit left.

Plus there's a weed drought. You know the rules, mate.

-I've got a tenner though. -A tenner's completely pointless, Steves.

-For fuck's sake. -Anyway, we're gonna start a Kurupt FM weed farm, so...

-Couldn't like Decoy or anyone get anything? -What? What?

Why would Decoy be able to get any? So racist.

You've completely disgraced yourself in front of these boys.

You need to go out and get us the stuff for the weed farm, Steves.

We need plant pots, soil and them 3D lights as well, yeah?

-UV, innit? -Same thing, mate. You hear that?

Blimey, man. Literally, just got... Like, I've just got in.

Steves mate, you don't deserve to relax after your little racist outburst, yeah?

You're not wanted round here for a bit. What's said is said, mate, all right?

I cannot believe that.

You know, back in the day, sort of Game Of Thrones time?

They always had like a stupid, idiot that would work for them.

-You know what I mean? -Hold it down, hold it down.

Powerful people always have idiots around them to help them do things.

Why spend a tenner when you could get it for free, like?

Free soil as well.

Fucking need something to put these in.

Ah... Just... Just doing a bit of recycling.

-[director] So is Steves trustworthy? -He's like a dog.

He'll, like, follow you about, but have no idea, like, what's going on.

Definitely take that one as well.

-Oh, a gnome. -What you doing?

-Oi! Oi! -Sorry, sorry!

What you...? Oi!

[Tanya] I think we need some new magazines, actually.

-Just got you a tea. I'll pop it down here. -Miche! Miche!

Miche! Can you, er...

-Can you get any bud? -What?

-Draw, can you get any draw? -No.

I don't know anyone that can get draw. Mum's not with Jason any more.

-Ask one of these lot, then? -They're my work colleagues!

-They don't even know I smoke. -What?! They'll think you're cool if anything.

I'll get fired? There's this girl that's basically after my job.

Had an absolute brainwave, mate.

All right, listen, I ain't got time to talk about your "new work friends".

UV. There.

-I'm not really into that, mate. -Yeah, but for the weed farm.

-For the lights. -Hold on, we could use that for the weed farm?

-Exactly, yeah. -What time do they close?

-Seven, bruv. -Seven, yeah.

-Sweet. We'll get her on it. -Let's do this.

Mate! I knew there was a reason for us coming here.

"Got UV lights".

Fuck's sake. Makes my life easier, anyway.

I've been telling everyone, you know? I've been saying

that Aldona is coming back. You know, "You'll see, you'll see."

[director] So, Aldona, you were at a funeral?

Uh...yes. My, uh...

My father, he...he is dead.

[he sighs]

Very sad news, you know? Rest in peace, Daddy.

Great man, great man. Never met him, personally,

but I imagine that he was a great man.

The main thing is that she's back and she's here to stay.

Yes, I don't want anything, no money, just...just you.

Okay! That can be arranged. That can be arranged.

Um, I must warn you though, I haven't shaved or anything.

If I knew you were coming, I'd have got the back, sack and crack tidied up a little bit.

So it might get a little bit jungly down there.

She's back.

Power couple are back. Very like Jay-Z/Beyoncé.

She's brown as a looker. Look how brown she is. Show the camera.

Look, brown. Jay-Z/Beyoncé.

Isn't it? Kanye West/Kim K.

-♪ Locked into the sounds -Of the legendary ♪

-♪ Man, like, MC Grindah -And the one and only ♪

♪ DJ Beats ♪

Tell 'em what time is it, Grind?

♪ One, two, three, four, five Once I caught a fish alive ♪

♪ Garage, baby! ♪

Nah, I can't countdown on the garage vibe. I'm not lean enough.

-I knew this would happen. -Sounded good to me, mate.

Don't let your brain control you, innit?

It's not my brain. It's, like, my whole body's weak. I'm on meltdown mode.

So Grindah and Beats have found these little seeds.

Insert that.

And I'll just do that for all of them.

This is Kurupt FM emergency broadcast.

-It's a warning. -If you are listening, yeah, we need some draw now.

-If you can get draw, then call the phone-line number. -Yes.

Any draw will do. Weed, hash, shit holiday draw.

Literally, anything. We will pay full price.

-Top dollar. -Why did you say that?

Weed farm ready to go.

Time for someone to start doing shit round here, yeah?

Wait! Wait there! Wait!

Chill out!

-Shall I come in now? -Come on then.

Quick, get in! Get in!

-No one's seen us. Chill out. -No one can know you've been here, right?

I really don't want to lose this job before I've even got it.

Miche, we need this weed farm. You need this weed farm, all right?

Nothing's gonna happen. No one's gonna know.

If someone does found out, Steves can take the rap, all right?

-I've got less to lose. -Exactly.

I'll show you where the sunbeds are.

Right, go on, Steves.

But you have to keep the lights off, cos no one can know you're here.

[Steves] Yeah, that's cool. I quite like the dark.

I went blind off ketamine for, like, three hours.

I quite liked it, to be honest. It gave me time to think.

-[Miche] Is he definitely gonna be all right? -Yeah, probably.

[Chabuds sighs] Whoo!

Completely smooth down there now. Completely smooth.

It was a right bloody mess before.

-Is it all right if I? -Mm.

Oh, yeah.

[director] What do you see in the future for you and Aldona?

Oh, for the future, I see a lot of bi-racial kids, mate, yeah?

A lot of beige little fuckers running around, you know.

A lot of little Chabulskas. Chabuddy/Wolskas.

Loads of Chabulskas. You know, UKIP's nightmare, mate. So I'm breeding it, mate.

It's a beige future, with loads of little Polishstani little fuckers running around.

Imagine, it's just gonna be beetroot and curry everywhere.

Loads of builders and loads of corner shops, mate. That's the army I'm building!

And, uh, they to film or...?

Oh? Okay, guys, come on, get the hint.

I think it's time for you guys to go. We need some alone time. Come on, out you go!

Out you go, out you go!

Listen, guys, I think I'm pretty much guaranteed penetration here, right?

So if you wanna... Go on.

Come on, hurry up, get out! Come on, go! Get out of here.

So, uh, more drink?

[he chuckles] Zdrowie!

Na zdorovye!

-Kurwa! -Na zdorovye!

Fuck, I think Craig's up.

Hello, Craig, mate. How's it going?

-All right? -Yeah.

Playing a bit of computer and that, yeah?

Don't, um...

Don't suppose any of your mates smoke bud, do they?

I'm just trying to link it for a friend of mine.

Nah, there's a weed drought at the moment.

You know about the weed drought, yeah?

Do you blaze and that?

You don't have, like, um,

a scud zoot or a little chip I could have?

-Just to help me get to sleep. -Thought it was for your mate?

For my mate to get to sleep.

You what know? Fuck it, man.

It's for me.

I've been blazing since I was 15 years young.

Non-stop, every day. So I feel a bit fucked, like, cos of the drought.

It's really good to have these chats with you, man.

It's really good to open up to each other, you know?

I'm gonna shoot off to bed. I'll see you in the morning.

Enjoy your game.

Fuck! How am I gonna sleep?

[Miche] So has Steves texted you?

No. Wouldn't bank on it anyway. He's pretty shit with phones.

Breaks 'em constantly. He's pretty clumsy.

Do you think maybe we shouldn't have locked him in, then?

-Nah, he'll be fine. -What if he's in there,

and he's freaking out, he panicking, and he's trying to ring you and he can't,

-cos his phone won't work and he's crying... -Miche, I know all that.

I'm too ill to be worried about all this, all right?

Worst case scenario, he'll just smash his way out the shop front window, whatever.

I'm a bit worried about that happening.

Oh, my days! Who's sick! Selecta!

Decoy's uncle's come through with the food, cuz!

That means weed in English. I'm meeting his uncles tomorrow and they're Jamaican.

Oh, sick!

Yeah, so do you think we should pop out and get Steves now?

No, we can still let him do it. Planning for the future and all that.

Man's making them Jamaican links out 'ere! You get me?

[sings] Scene, innit?

-Oh, mate! Hold on. -So shall we give Steves a call now?

No, no. Hold on. Me and Beats could make a reggae mix for the journey tomorrow.

-It might help if you kept the line clear... -Beats?

It's Grindah. Right.

Two words, reggae mix.

You know, make a reggae mix for tomorrow on CD.

Put it on CD. All right. See you later.

That's the motherland, Jamaica, that's where everyone comes from,

whether you're white or black.

Cos what happened was, this big stone

banged into the world, yeah, cos the world was just one, like, bit of land.

-There was dinosaurs and that. -Dinosaurs and that.

And then it exploded and all the dinosaurs and the land got separated.

But, originally, the stone was Jamaica.

Hello?

Hello?

-Is everything all right? -You are pricks.

Everywhere I go, just... "Let's just lock Steves in.

He doesn't matter. He's just a little mug.

-Just lock him in..." -Sorry, Steves.

Oh, no! I knew it.

He's broken Angela's frame.

Oh, it's actually fine.

"Ooh, I've done a course." Level one basic bitch.

[knocking on door]

I must have fully passed out last night.

Bit of a... Bit crazy.

Did you guys...

Did you guys move the Merc?

It's...

Where's the Merc?

Did you guys see anything?

The...

Aldona?

Aldona, did you...?

Aldona! Aldona, did you...?

Oh, no! No, no, no!

I've been robbed!

The computers! The printer!

Oh, my... The foot spa!

And they've taken Aldona!

Move, move!

Aldona!

Aldona!

-You all right? -Jamaica.

The land of wood and water.

Can't bloody wait to meet your uncles, mate. Heard a lot about 'em.

-Is it? -Yeah.

-Are they the laid-back type? -They all right with non-Rastas as well, right?

-What? No, man, you've got it twisted, man. -Yeah, sick.

-Do you want the reggae mix? -Yeah, put the little reggae mix on.

[reggae plays]

Oh...love this one.

[Beats] Decoy, you still got that Jamaican bandana?

[Grindah] It's like slipping into a warm bath, listening to this shit, innit?

"I'm sorry. You deserve better.

I will never bother you again.

Aldona."

You know what? I'm starting to wonder if maybe

she was the person who stole all of my stuff.

Or maybe this is part of some kind of role-playing game.

And maybe she actually wants me to hunt her down.

And she put a kiss at the end of the note, so maybe that's...

No, that's crazy.

I think it's actually over for good now.

Is it all right if we leave it there? Yeah?

Sick!

Could someone get...?

Someone get the door?

Grindah! Can you get the...?

-Hurry up. -Why is the child lock on?

It's this way, man.

-This way, innit? -Yeah.

-Quite a low-key operation this, innit?

Obviously, you've got to wait here, yeah? Cos it's bare Yardies and that, so...

-Man, they're not Yardies. -Yardies, Rastas, whatever.

Stop putting a label on everything! It's gonna be sick.

-Trust me on the reload. -Done loads.

[Grindah] Remember, it's "Selassie I" when you enter.

[Beats] Do you have to bow or anything?

They already look a little bit healthier.

That's just from... less than a day

under the old UV.

Got a little tan as well.

See that? It's like just my arms have been on holiday...

together.

That's fucking shit! You said they were Rastas!

No, I didn't, mate. You just assumed that. Anyway, they're from my dad's side, man.

-You should have said they were white. -What does that matter?

He wasn't even listening to reggae. He was listening to rock music, for fuck's sake!

Wasn't even close.

Main thing is, we reloaded though, innit?

-[reggae plays] -[Grindah] Turn that shit off!

It's pointless now.

[director] Have you ever been to Jamaica?

-Not in person. -Well, no. Not in person.

But in soul.

[both] In spirit.

We bring that little bit of Jamaica to Brentford.

So in that form, to us, yeah, everywhere's Jamaica.

Maybe we should get our own UV lights,

save going down Miche's work.

Nah! Wouldn't bother. Drought's over, mate.

Yeah, but what about preparing for the future?

-For next time? -Nah.

We'll be all right. We'll find something, mate. We always do.

I think we've just been overthinking it too much.

It's good to chill out. Saves all that.

[Beats] We'll never stop blazing ever, because even if...

the world was to end, flowers still grow.

Do you know what I'm saying?

-Them ones, they're like metaphors. -Like a rose from the concrete.

Sounds like something I'd come up with.

I could chip in for this, actually.

Still got my tenner from earlier that Chabuds paid me.

[Grindah] That's the way, innit?

It's all dissolved into the sock.

Is it all right to still blaze a little bit of it?

-Yeah, we'll save you a little bit at the end, mate. -We'll leave you the roaches.

Will they accept it if it's like that?

[all] Yeah, it'll be fine, yeah.