Original subtitles

[Chabuddy] All the great entrepreneers all started somewhere.

Your Double Drunks, your Drunken Palentines.

The Apprentice guy, Alan Shearer. They all started in something like this.

Welcome to the dream factory!

Where dreams are made.

Mainly T-shirts though.

What makes a good T-shirt? I think, erm...deceptiveness.

So you look at a T-shirt and you think, "Oh, that's Gucci, isn't it?"

If you look carefully, it's Coochi.

Dolce & Gabbana? No, mate. Deepak and Gurdev.

[director] How many T-shirts have you bought?

This is the T-shirts here. So I've got 6,000 of these.

But so far, I've done around two.

Bloody upside down, isn't it?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Bloody hell, this is harder than I thought.

Should have people doing this for me, really. Bastard!

[Miche] Are you excited about your day today?

-[Angel] Yeah. -Mummy's going to be working all day, so...

Right, well, give Mummy a hug. Yeah!

All right, well, I'll see you after work then.

-All right. -Still feels weird saying that.

All right, Ange? Have a fun day with your daddy today, yeah?

-I wanna to go to Nana's. -Nana's on holiday, isn't she?

Yeah, your precious nanny is getting her rat out in Zante.

Stop it! She's gone to visit her lover.

Lover? He's like 17 years old and hands out flyers outside a pub. He's hardly a lover.

-Can't even speak English. -Love is still the same whether in English or in...foreign.

-I'll see you after five. -All right. Laters.

[switch clicks] Fucking light bulbs!

Oh, they put 'em too high up.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Craig, don't use the downstairs toilet, mate.

-The light's not working. -Mum said you have to fix it.

She's always trying to get us to fix stuff, innit?

She says she's sick of shitting in the dark.

Makes it way more intense than what it needs to be.

Yeah, it is quite intense. You don't know where you're at with the wipes.

Hello, Lavender. Miche speaking.

Okay, yeah, I'll just put you on hold.

So this is my new work. This is Lavender Hair & Beauty.

At the moment, I'm on a probation period.

So that means I'm on a... It's like an audition.

But it's for the role of a hairdresser, so, yeah.

Would that be the full body or is that the half wax?

Okay, great, I'll just put you on hold.

Hello, Lavender. Miche speaking.

What sort of therapy or procedure would you be interested in today?

Yeah, I'll just pop you on hold.

-You all right, Miche? -Tanya, yeah. I'm just practising my phone technique.

-Is there a hold button? -No.

Oh, okay.

[knocking on door]

There's the door. Get the door, please, Angel.

I don't need to constantly hang round with a little girl. That's weird.

People get arrested for things like that.

Why should I be doing that?

And then people are gonna see me, like.

"Grindah just hangs round with little chicks."

-No one's gonna respect me. -She's your daughter.

Go and give Grindah his jacket as well.

-Are you lot...? -Yeah, we'll follow you.

All right, sweet.

Chabuddy is recruiting. It's official, guys.

Yeah, know what I mean? No questions here as well. You don't need any visa.

There's a lot of guys out there who are looking for work

and, today, I am their knight in shiny armour.

I remember happy hours when I got my first job.

It was in Lahore. I was 12 years old.

And I had the opportunity to work for Nissan.

Blown away. Unfortunately, when I got there I realised it was just a prawn-peeling factory

and my boss's nickname was Nissan,

cos he drove a Nissan, isn't it?

Are you struggling to find work? Do you like clothes and money and women?

This might be the opportunity for you. Come down to my sweatshop...to my warehouse.

Come down to my warehouse and get some work in, mate.

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout Hate, hate, rhythm and shout ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout Who's gonna mix me now? ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout Hate, hate, rhythm and shout ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout Who's gonna mix me now? ♪

♪ With the rhythm it's a all select! ♪

♪ With the rhythm it's a all select! MC Grindah with the intellect ♪

Grindah. Can we get rid of all these ashtrays and that, cos of Angel?

Do you need me to blaze this outside as well?

Good point, actually. Don't want her to develop a taste for it too early.

[Miche] Angel's been spending a lot more time with Grindah and Decoy

since I've been working, so that's nice.

[director] How is Grindah finding it with you not around as much?

Oh, well, I think Grindah's coping now I'm working.

They were a few problems at first. He couldn't understand when his mealtimes were.

So I had to leave him, sort of, little boxes in the fridge

of all his different food and I send him a message when he should eat it.

♪ Long-time man like Angel Stepping up, stepping in ♪

Don't play any of the mixes though. We're live on air, yeah?

♪ Selecta, selecta ♪

♪ Kurupt FM ♪

-What does this one do? -No, don't, like...

-Chill out, mate. Just... -Yeah, but...

-I spent ages setting that up. -I reckon we should just take her out, man.

Yeah. Angel, where would you like to go?

I want to go to Nana's.

She's constantly, like, "Oh, Nana does this, Nana does that."

She's trying to throw it in my face. I know what Angel's doing. She's clever.

She wants me to rise to that, so that I can be the best father I can be.

And for that, mate, I respect her.

Okay. Change of plan. All right, do your jacket up.

You all right to look after it all till Miche gets back?

-Yeah, man, course. Definitely. -All right. Sweet.

-I can trust you, yeah? -Yeah! When have I ever let you down...recently.

You can go back in now, Steves mate. In a bit.

Ruddy government! Always trying to hold you down, isn't it? You know?

I'm offering a job where you can be your own boss.

Just jump in my van and do exactly what I tell you.

Hello, mate. Do you want a job? Jump in the van, mate.

Anyone want a job?

Recruiting is about confidence.

One thing that people love is confidence.

I can sell anything to anyone, anywhere, any time, any who,

any what, why, where, who, why, when.

Vintage madam, look at that. Cash money, bro!

Wait till I pull up in the Merc, yeah?

They'll see the 'tache, the shoes, they're gonna say, "Yes, that's my new boss."

I don't get it. In the films, they jump straight into your van.

Open the doors, they come in.

Maybe it only works with Mexicans.

Where can I find some Mexicans?

If you put something in for about six weeks, once your regrowth has come through, yeah?

Yeah. Okay, great. And that's £50 for today, thank you.

-There you go. -Oh, lovely. Thanks. Erm...

-Great. So I hope you enjoyed your Lavender experience. -Thank you very much.

Have a great day.

When I first worked here,

I didn't know what lavender meant, but I Googled it,

and, yeah, I found out that it is a tone of purple.

[director] And it smells of lavender in here as well.

-Er, well, it's purple. -The plant, I mean.

No, this is just a colour.

What about the picture behind you?

Yeah, it's purple.

No, the plant.

Yeah, no, it's a purple plant. Is that what you mean?

[Beats] ♪ Pure Kuruption... ♪

Have you seen this? It's normally Grindah's chair, but...

As acting head honcho today, I can use it.

Being second-in-command involves actually taking on

the more stressful side of the work.

Better not overdo though, so...

It's pass and parcel of the game really, innit?

I'm like a paramedic. I'm always on call.

Right about now, you launch into the legendary,

the absolute number one, Kurupt FM, 108.9 on your dial!

-Steve? -Yeah.

Can you make me a tea, please, bruv?

-Yeah. -Cheers, mate.

-[power goes off] -What?

Bruv, all the lights just went off at the same time. I think the poltergeist's back.

It's definitely something to do with the electricity.

Cos poltergeist's actually control the electricity.

-That's what I've been trying to say. -What?

Poltergeists control electricity.

-Is it? -Yeah.

They take our electricity, then they put it on again,

but only the TV and you get sucked into the TV, and you're a little girl saying...

Don't get me started on the poltergeist, mate.

I've heard murmured voices through the walls.

I've heard creaking late at night.

All... Other things as well.

So what other explanation is there?

Supernatural occurrence.

Steven, stop with this poltergeist shit, mate.

You're throwing me off. I really need to think.

Cos Grindah's going to go mad if he comes back and sees this.

I'm going to check the mirrors. Sometimes you can see them in the mirrors.

I must get...

One, two, three! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Angel! Do the jump as well.

-Do the jump backwards! -No.

Probably not, actually. Mummy would be furious if you broke something.

The most important thing to me as a parent is seeing my kid happy.

And, more importantly than that...

is knowing that she loves me more than anyone else in the world.

Like, I know for a fact that Angel loves me more than her nan,

cos when she draws pictures of the family, Nan is never in them.

If she was, I'd tear it up and Angel knows that.

For example, you've got...

a beautiful one here that she done

and it's just me, Angel and her mum, do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, and Decoy as well, just cos...

he's around quite a lot so she includes him.

So that's off?

-[clicks switch] -On.

Off. No difference. On.

It's definitely an electrical issue.

-Call Grindah. -I'm not calling Grindah, but we're gonna sort it.

-Call Chabuds. -Bruv, I'm not calling Chabuds.

Cos Grindah will find out. I'm gonna sort it.

Who pays the electricity bills? Does your nan still sort that?

-Yeah, she still does the bills. -Give her a call. I've got credit.

She ain't got a phone though.

She destroyed it cos I showed her a documentary

about how the government track you through your phone.

It's a good point. Right, we're gonna go and see her.

-Now? -Yeah, now.

We need to sort this out, Steve, I told you.

Right, let me get a zoot for the road. You not got Rizla?

We'll get some at the shop.

-Have you not got any? -Steve, we don't have time!

Pop yourself off.

-Get out the way, it's my turn! -It's not!

-Get out the way, it's my turn! -Stop!

-Get out the way! -You get out the way.

You can go like this as well. You're nan couldn't do that!

-Whey! Backwards as well. -Mate, what are you doing?

[woman] She's really cute. How old is she?

She's not mine. None of them are.

[Grindah] Oh, whatever, mate!

Who do you think they like more, you or me?

"Oh, my child can't go on the slide", or me, the one who does it backwards, mate?

You see that?

I went on the thing backwards. They'd never seen anything like it.

You killed it, man.

Her nan could never do anything like that in her pathetic little life.

Wooh!

-There you go, bro. -Oh, nice one.

-[Decoy] Hey, there she is. -There she is.

Have you got the phone? I need to call Beats.

-He's not answering. -He's probably mixing, man.

Maybe.

[Beats] If she has stopped paying the electricity, that is just proper selfish.

-All right, Lorna. -Happy Girl, We call her.

-[door buzzes] -Don't touch anything.

Hi, Steve. How are you?

Just normal, innit?

Steve. I'm going to wait here. Old people weird me out a bit.

-In-and-out job with your nan. -Right.

"You're never too old to dream big and seek new goals."

Once you go past 40, mate...

Do you know what I mean? Give up, literally.

-Oi-oi, Nanza! What's going on? -Oh, what a surprise!

-Didn't expect you. -How you doing? All right? What's going on? Good?

-Lovely! Lovely! -What are you lot saying?

Ooh! I've got something for you, actually.

I was going to ask you something as well. What was it?

Keep 'em hidden.

Nurse sorted them out for me. They're mental.

-Good, yeah? -Yeah.

Has he been on them? He looks fucked.

Oh, he's always away with the fairies.

Fire safety for people with sight, hearing and mobility difficulty.

Good luck, do you know what I mean?

[Chabuds] Like playing a little bit of footie.

Pretty agile for their age. They could be good workers.

I might have a little butchers see if they're up for a bit of work.

The thing is, with these kids, you've got to relate to them, you've got to impress them.

Show them you know a bit about footie. They used to call me Bombay Becks.

Hey, what's up? Do you need another player?

Let me see the ball, okay?

I'll show you some skills and that.

Hey, listen, any of you lot up for a bit of work, a bit of cash-in-hand work?

-[all] No. -No?

-Are you Mexican? -No.

-So you're not up for any work? -No.

All right. You lot are shit, anyway.

I find it hard, man, these kids don't want to work any more, you know?

Like, I was working from the age of eight, with a 'tache, you know?

These kids just want to lay about on Chatroulette, dicks everywhere,

sending dick pics, you know?

Snap-Snaps... What they into, these kids?

Nothing really, you know, it's like, you know...

-I might just have one... -You all right, Steve?

-Hello. -Yeah, just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just having a little plate of biscuits.

-Yes, thank you. All right? -Lovely.

-Really enjoying 'em. Thank you. -All right, love.

[Grindah] When we met Steves, he was like... [Beats] No one.

[Grindah] The kid used to live with his nan. How sad is that? We come along...

We, sort of, gave him the push to get her out the flat.

And we started pirate radio. And now look at him now.

He's got the fucking four till five graveyard shift on Kurupt FM.

-DJ Steves. He used to just be Steves. -Yeah.

-[Nan] That's for my back. -Yeah, yeah.

Nice little...nice little burn at the back of the throat. Yeah, it's good.

-A little hint of wild berry. -[they laugh]

-Like she's talking about wine, but it's drugs. -Yeah, that's a good year that.

-[posh accent] 1995 was a very good year for pills. -Yeah.

[posh accent] 1995, is a... No, I can't really do voices.

Weeee! [laughs]

Angel! [whistles]

Come here, boy!

There you go. See that? Secret of parenting.

They're basically like dogs. Just give 'em sweets and they just run around. It's easy.

I'm killing, aren't I?

[Angel] Weee!

Come on, Beats mate.

[mobile rings]

-[director] Who's that? -It's Grindah.

Probably wants to know why radio's not on.

Are you worried?

Yeah, a little bit, cos if he gets back there and no one's there, he'll be fuming.

And we're not on air, so he's gonna be even more fuming.

Is it important for Kurupt to stay on air?

Yeah, of course. If you wanna be London's leading, you can literally never go down, like.

[mobile rings]

And again.

[mobile rings]

Just put it away.

Out of sight, out of mind.

-Where is Steve anyway though? -[mobile rings]

No. Still answer machine.

We've got to get back. I'm getting worried now. Angel!

-We're going. -Sweets!

No, no more sweets. We're going. Come on.

See you lot in a bit, yeah? Catch us up wherever.

-This way. Eh? -I want to play more.

Oh, ooh! Life's not all about fun, Angel. You've have too much fun.

If you have too much fun, you can get a headache. Daddy Grindah gets them all the time.

[Steves] Cos people actually have that voice in real life.

Hello, nice to meet you. Did you find out about the electricity?

Ah! That's what I was going to do. Um, did you stop paying the electricity?

-Yeah, we got cut off. -That's weird. We're on a meter.

-The meter must have run out. -No, it couldn't have, no.

I rigged that meter with a magnet. What's happened?

Basically, all I know is, I was plugging in my new kettle

-and I think a poltergeist... -A new kettle, yeah?

Well, you've blown a fuse, haven't you, you daft twat!

That's all it is. We should go to the kettle and get the fuse box out of it.

Is the fuse box at Steves' flat? Right, we've got to go. It's the fuse box.

-Come on, Steve. -Sorry, Nan, I've got to go.

'Ere, don't forget these.

Oh, yes. You definitely don't need these, yeah?

No, no. You'll enjoy them far more than I will.

-Probably will, to be fair. -Anyway, I can always get some more.

"Ooh, must have lost 'em. So sorry."

-No, I've got them here, Nan. -Oh, no, you great idiot! Go on, get out!

-Bye, Steve's nan. Nice to meet you. -Bye, Nan.

-She's all right for an "old". -You wally!

[Angel giggles]

-What's going on? -What's up?

-It's not picking it up. -Maybe it don't reach this far.

Don't blame Kurupt FM cos your shitty little radio ain't up to it, bruv.

I want sweets!

Just have one, all right?

If he gets back before us, I'm fucked!

-Yeah. Is that our bus? -That's our bus!

Let me get the whistle. Get the whistle! [whistle blows]

Got it from carnival.

-Does that feel okay to you? -Yeah, that's nice.

-Is the temperature all right? -Yeah.

I've put on quite a lot of foam so it gives a deeper sort of...clean.

Sorry. Just bear with me. What are you doing here?

-I've got to get back to radio, so I've got to drop her off. -I don't finish for an hour.

I'm a bit early, but better than being late, ain't it?

-Hiya. Are you okay, Miche? -Tanya.

Sorry about this. Well, this is my little girl, Angel, who I told you about.

And this is Grindah, who is her dad and my boyfriend.

-Oh, and that's just his friend. -Just dropping off the little 'un.

Little tip for ya, just give her loads of sweets every few minutes and she'll be happy.

-Really sorry about this. -Sweet! See you later, girl.

-Mummy's shampooing... -Ha! Angel!

She said "pooing"! See you later.

-[Angel] Pooing! Poo, poo! -Hi, Angel.

-Would you like to have your nails done? -Mummy said "pooing".

Sorry, Tanya.

Maybe just finish up there and take a little break or something.

-If you just keep relaxing... -You're a poo!

-Tanya, I'm really sorry. -It's fine. It's fine.

-I think she's just had too many sweets. -Angel! Angel!

All right, little man childs. Listen, do you want to make a bit of extra cash and that,

for, like, your Myspace page, maybe you want to pimp it out, Facebook and that?

-Excuse me. -Hello...

Come on, Steve mate. Haven't got time.

Bruv... Bruv, do want any of these?

Steves, we need to find the fucking fuse box, mate. Where did your nan say it was?

Do you reckon the government just gives old people, like, drugs to try out on them?

-Fucking hell! -Cos if they die, it's not suspicious circumstances.

What's wrong with you? Grindah's gonna be back any second,

you fucking moron! We need to find it, now!

Quick! Don't you even care?

I must just bosh a load of these, cos I not even feeling it right now.

-Such a freak! -What's it even look like?

It's a box that has electricity inside it.

Have you checked these ones?

I can't hear any of the tunes, man. Don't point it upwards. Don't film that bit.

I'll look in the kitchen.

You getting anything in there, Steves?

No.

Get in, get in!

Don't let me down, Beats mate.

-[music plays] -Easy boys, what's going on?

Yeah, man. No, nothing. All good. Everything running smoothly, innit? Yeah.

-Yeah? Nice, nice. -Yeah.

Get the old power back up and running and that.

-What? -Yeah, what?

-What? -Nah...

Steven, you're getting slightly confused with your new medication.

Yeah, do you want to carry on doing your record, babe? Thank you.

It is really tough to run Kurupt.

It's not that tough for me, cos I'm naturally gifted.

-It's backbreaking labour for you, do you know what I mean? -Yeah.

Uh! Oh!

Who...?

Who changed the lumber support on this?

Who's been in my seat?

I think Steves might have used it earlier for his records.

Steves mate! It's my seat.

Beats knows that, so he'd never touch it.

Think I'm having my blackouts again. I don't even remember doing that.

-[Miche] You all right? -Easy. You good, yeah?

Yeah, watch out cos Angel's been sick on the carpet.

-Probably all the excitement she had today. -She had, like, loads of sweets.

It was like a big spray of multiple-coloured jelly.

Oh, not that bad then, really, as sick goes.

-She had a nice day, anyway. -Nice day? Angel!

Angel, did you say you and Daddy had a nice day?

-No, we had the best day ever! -Yeah.

Better than with your nana, innit? Yeah, high-five!

-She needs to sleep. -There you have it, people!

I am officially better than your mum!

-Probably get going. -Cool, mate. Nice one.

-See you tomorrow. -Oh, man!

That's actually put me in a great mood, to be honest.

[loud knocking on door]

Whey-hey!

Listen, I thought I'd come and chat to Grindah,

to see if anyone is up for a little bit of work.

Nah, they're all gone. I've just been, sort of...

Here on my own. Finishing up for the night and that.

I've just realised that I've sorted out the entire vinyl collection.

It's all in order now, alphabetical.

[director] What do your nan's drugs actually do?

It just livens you up, cos old people, they slow down at that age.

So if you aren't old and then you do that,

you've moving at double the speed.

Stevie, uh, what time do you finish, mate?

Roche.

Roche.

-You heard of these things called 40-watt light bulbs? -Yeah.

Yeah, replace them up sometimes, fuse boxes, whatever.

Do washing machines. Whatever you're after, really. Chill.

-Anyone need a shit? -[Craig] Already had two today.

No, you go for it, love.

Actually, I wonder if I... left the bathroom light on downstairs?

Oh, you fixed it. Thanks, love. Not just a pretty face, are you?

Exactly.

[Chabuds] It's amazing when he's like this, you know?

He's like... He's like a machine.

-And everyone just says he's some brain-dead weirdo. -Huh?

Nah, nothing. I can't wait for the world to see our replica designer brands.

Look at this.

Limited edition Ralph Loren. Polo, mate.

-Jockey's bigger than the horse on that. -Exactly.

-This guy is great. -Dream job, innit?

Stay focused, Stevie, stay focused.

-[toilet flushes] -[Beats] She's finished.

-How was it? -Oh, get out of my house!