Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Michael

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Michael

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Michael Costa. We have got so much to talk about

Costa. We have got so much to talk about

Costa. We have got so much to talk about tonight. Cash Patel drunk dials his

tonight. Cash Patel drunk dials his

tonight. Cash Patel drunk dials his lawyer Jordan Kipper talks to young

lawyer Jordan Kipper talks to young

lawyer Jordan Kipper talks to young Republicans and the labor secretary

Republicans and the labor secretary

Republicans and the labor secretary resigns to spend more time with her very

resigns to spend more time with her very

resigns to spend more time with her very weird family. So, let's get into it with

weird family. So, let's get into it with

weird family. So, let's get into it with another edition of the worst wing.

What a bunch of losers.

Let's begin with Cash Patel, FBI

Let's begin with Cash Patel, FBI

Let's begin with Cash Patel, FBI director and man who starts every day by

director and man who starts every day by

director and man who starts every day by looking in the mirror and saying,

looking in the mirror and saying,

looking in the mirror and saying, "Freeze, FREEZE, FBI, FREEZE."

"Freeze, FREEZE, FBI, FREEZE."

"Freeze, FREEZE, FBI, FREEZE." In his tenor as FBI director, he's

In his tenor as FBI director, he's

In his tenor as FBI director, he's almost solved dozens of cases, but this

almost solved dozens of cases, but this

almost solved dozens of cases, but this time the case is about him. FBI director

time the case is about him. FBI director

time the case is about him. FBI director Cash Patel is now suing for defamation

Cash Patel is now suing for defamation

Cash Patel is now suing for defamation over a bombshell new article. Sources

over a bombshell new article. Sources

over a bombshell new article. Sources told the magazine The Atlantic that

told the magazine The Atlantic that

told the magazine The Atlantic that Patel quote has alarmed colleagues with

Patel quote has alarmed colleagues with

Patel quote has alarmed colleagues with episodes of excessive drinking and

episodes of excessive drinking and

episodes of excessive drinking and unexplained absences. He wants a quarter

unexplained absences. He wants a quarter

unexplained absences. He wants a quarter of a billion dollars in damages.

A quarter of a billion dollar hour

A quarter of a billion dollar hour

A quarter of a billion dollar hour cashel excessive drinking.

cashel excessive drinking.

cashel excessive drinking. I can't imagine such a thing. I mean,

I can't imagine such a thing. I mean,

I can't imagine such a thing. I mean, yeah, he does always have the look of a

yeah, he does always have the look of a

yeah, he does always have the look of a drunk guy trying to convince you he's

drunk guy trying to convince you he's

drunk guy trying to convince you he's sober.

But I've never seen him actually drink.

But I've never seen him actually drink.

But I've never seen him actually drink. Although h now that I think about it,

Although h now that I think about it,

Although h now that I think about it, there there was that one time.

>> Ah, yes. I remember my first 10,000th

>> Ah, yes. I remember my first 10,000th

>> Ah, yes. I remember my first 10,000th beer.

beer.

beer. I guess in retrospect, if a room full of

I guess in retrospect, if a room full of

I guess in retrospect, if a room full of 21-year-old concussed hockey players

21-year-old concussed hockey players

21-year-old concussed hockey players thinks you're a good hang, you probably

thinks you're a good hang, you probably

thinks you're a good hang, you probably shouldn't be in charge of the FBI.

shouldn't be in charge of the FBI.

shouldn't be in charge of the FBI. You probably shouldn't even be in charge

You probably shouldn't even be in charge

You probably shouldn't even be in charge of the rental skates at the rink.

of the rental skates at the rink.

of the rental skates at the rink. By the way, fun fact, Cash was already

By the way, fun fact, Cash was already

By the way, fun fact, Cash was already in there drinking. He didn't even know

in there drinking. He didn't even know

in there drinking. He didn't even know the Olympics were happening.

the Olympics were happening.

the Olympics were happening. That's why he was so happy when the

That's why he was so happy when the

That's why he was so happy when the hockey team showed up.

hockey team showed up.

hockey team showed up. BUT SO WHAT? THE GUY PARTIES WHEN TEAM

BUT SO WHAT? THE GUY PARTIES WHEN TEAM

BUT SO WHAT? THE GUY PARTIES WHEN TEAM USA wins a gold medal. That's not worth

USA wins a gold medal. That's not worth

USA wins a gold medal. That's not worth a quarter of a billion dollars. How bad

a quarter of a billion dollars. How bad

a quarter of a billion dollars. How bad are these accusations?

are these accusations?

are these accusations? >> On multiple occasions in the past year,

>> On multiple occasions in the past year,

>> On multiple occasions in the past year, members of Patel's security detail had

members of Patel's security detail had

members of Patel's security detail had difficulty waking him because he was

difficulty waking him because he was

difficulty waking him because he was seemingly intoxicated. At one point, the

seemingly intoxicated. At one point, the

seemingly intoxicated. At one point, the article claims, even prompting a request

article claims, even prompting a request

article claims, even prompting a request for SWAT style breaching equipment

for SWAT style breaching equipment

for SWAT style breaching equipment because the director had been

because the director had been

because the director had been unreachable behind locked doors.

unreachable behind locked doors.

unreachable behind locked doors. >> Okay, I mean, that sounds pretty bad.

>> Okay, I mean, that sounds pretty bad.

>> Okay, I mean, that sounds pretty bad. Um,

Um,

Um, look, I've been hung over, but I've

look, I've been hung over, but I've

look, I've been hung over, but I've never been so hung over they had to wake

never been so hung over they had to wake

never been so hung over they had to wake me up the same way they killed Bin

me up the same way they killed Bin

me up the same way they killed Bin Laden.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? During Patel's tenure

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? During Patel's tenure

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? During Patel's tenure as FBI director, the FBI has had to

as FBI director, the FBI has had to

as FBI director, the FBI has had to reschedule early meetings as a quote

reschedule early meetings as a quote

reschedule early meetings as a quote result of his alcohol-fueled nights,

result of his alcohol-fueled nights,

result of his alcohol-fueled nights, adding that director Patel is often away

adding that director Patel is often away

adding that director Patel is often away or unreachable. The story also goes on

or unreachable. The story also goes on

or unreachable. The story also goes on to report Patel is a frequent guest of

to report Patel is a frequent guest of

to report Patel is a frequent guest of the poodle room at the Fountain Blue

the poodle room at the Fountain Blue

the poodle room at the Fountain Blue Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. >> Okay,

>> Okay,

>> Okay, it is a little weird that a man whose

it is a little weird that a man whose

it is a little weird that a man whose job is in Washington DC also frequently

job is in Washington DC also frequently

job is in Washington DC also frequently goes to something called the Poodle Room

goes to something called the Poodle Room

goes to something called the Poodle Room in Las Vegas, but I'm sure the Poodle

in Las Vegas, but I'm sure the Poodle

in Las Vegas, but I'm sure the Poodle Room is a distinguished, respectable,

Room is a distinguished, respectable,

Room is a distinguished, respectable, hypoallergenic social club where

hypoallergenic social club where

hypoallergenic social club where important men network and exchange

important men network and exchange

important men network and exchange ideas.

Oh,

Oh,

Oh, so it's a coke dent.

so it's a coke dent.

so it's a coke dent. Ladies,

Ladies,

Ladies, ladies, if you want to get an STD on a

ladies, if you want to get an STD on a

ladies, if you want to get an STD on a circular water bed, might I recommend

circular water bed, might I recommend

circular water bed, might I recommend meeting a gentleman at the poodle room?

meeting a gentleman at the poodle room?

meeting a gentleman at the poodle room? Imagine you're this guy at the poodle

Imagine you're this guy at the poodle

Imagine you're this guy at the poodle room just having a good time with your

room just having a good time with your

room just having a good time with your shirt unbuttoned all the way and all of

shirt unbuttoned all the way and all of

shirt unbuttoned all the way and all of a sudden you're like, "Is that the FBI

a sudden you're like, "Is that the FBI

a sudden you're like, "Is that the FBI director

director

director throwing up on himself?"

throwing up on himself?"

throwing up on himself?" And there's more in this article than

And there's more in this article than

And there's more in this article than just stories about Cash drinking.

just stories about Cash drinking.

just stories about Cash drinking. There's also stories about him being

There's also stories about him being

There's also stories about him being stupid in a little highrung.

stupid in a little highrung.

stupid in a little highrung. >> Back on April 10th, Patel had trouble

>> Back on April 10th, Patel had trouble

>> Back on April 10th, Patel had trouble logging onto an internal computer

logging onto an internal computer

logging onto an internal computer system. It was just a technical glitch.

system. It was just a technical glitch.

system. It was just a technical glitch. But Patel quickly became convinced he

But Patel quickly became convinced he

But Patel quickly became convinced he had been locked out and he panicked,

had been locked out and he panicked,

had been locked out and he panicked, frantically calling aids and allies to

frantically calling aids and allies to

frantically calling aids and allies to announce he had been fired by the White

announce he had been fired by the White

announce he had been fired by the White House.

House.

House. >> Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, Cash.

>> Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, Cash.

>> Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, Cash. How paranoid are you if the moment you

How paranoid are you if the moment you

How paranoid are you if the moment you have trouble logging into your computer,

have trouble logging into your computer,

have trouble logging into your computer, you think you got fired? Oh no, they

you think you got fired? Oh no, they

you think you got fired? Oh no, they fired me. Get me ON A PLANE TO CHINA.

fired me. Get me ON A PLANE TO CHINA.

fired me. Get me ON A PLANE TO CHINA. I'M GOING TO TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS. I

I'M GOING TO TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS. I

I'M GOING TO TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS. I HATE THIS COUNTRY AND EVERYBODY IN IT.

HATE THIS COUNTRY AND EVERYBODY IN IT.

HATE THIS COUNTRY AND EVERYBODY IN IT. OH, WAIT. I just had the caps lock on.

Everything's cool.

Everything's cool.

Everything's cool. God, I need a drink. Um,

God, I need a drink. Um,

God, I need a drink. Um, but it is concerning that the guy who's

but it is concerning that the guy who's

but it is concerning that the guy who's supposed to be the country's top

supposed to be the country's top

supposed to be the country's top investigator can't crack the case of

investigator can't crack the case of

investigator can't crack the case of logging into his own computer.

logging into his own computer.

logging into his own computer. No wonder he's pissed off. What else

No wonder he's pissed off. What else

No wonder he's pissed off. What else does he have to say about this article?

does he have to say about this article?

does he have to say about this article? >> We are not going to take this laying

>> We are not going to take this laying

>> We are not going to take this laying down. You want to attack my character?

down. You want to attack my character?

down. You want to attack my character? Come at me. Bring it on. Yeah, that's

Come at me. Bring it on. Yeah, that's

Come at me. Bring it on. Yeah, that's right. He's not going to take this

right. He's not going to take this

right. He's not going to take this laying down because then they'd have to

laying down because then they'd have to

laying down because then they'd have to get the SWAT team in to wake him up. But

get the SWAT team in to wake him up. But

get the SWAT team in to wake him up. But now, as a part of his lawsuit, Cash

now, as a part of his lawsuit, Cash

now, as a part of his lawsuit, Cash argues that under his leadership, the

argues that under his leadership, the

argues that under his leadership, the FBI has achieved historic law

FBI has achieved historic law

FBI has achieved historic law enforcement results, which even if that

enforcement results, which even if that

enforcement results, which even if that were true, doesn't prove anything.

were true, doesn't prove anything.

were true, doesn't prove anything. People can accomplish incredible things

People can accomplish incredible things

People can accomplish incredible things when they're drunk. If Tiger Woods can

when they're drunk. If Tiger Woods can

when they're drunk. If Tiger Woods can successfully park in a ditch, then Cash

successfully park in a ditch, then Cash

successfully park in a ditch, then Cash Patel can be like, "Hey, go arrest some

Patel can be like, "Hey, go arrest some

Patel can be like, "Hey, go arrest some bad guys." Hell, I'm a little drunk

bad guys." Hell, I'm a little drunk

bad guys." Hell, I'm a little drunk right now, and I think we all agree

right now, and I think we all agree

right now, and I think we all agree I'ming NAILING IT.

I'ming NAILING IT.

I'ming NAILING IT. YOU SEE,

moving on. I'm really glad, really glad

moving on. I'm really glad, really glad

moving on. I'm really glad, really glad you responded that way. It would have

you responded that way. It would have

you responded that way. It would have been awkward otherwise.

been awkward otherwise.

been awkward otherwise. Moving on. Let's say hello to Labor

Moving on. Let's say hello to Labor

Moving on. Let's say hello to Labor Secretary Lorie Chavez Daramer. She's

Secretary Lorie Chavez Daramer. She's

Secretary Lorie Chavez Daramer. She's one of the more obscure cabinet

one of the more obscure cabinet

one of the more obscure cabinet secretaries, but it's never too late to

secretaries, but it's never too late to

secretaries, but it's never too late to get to know her.

get to know her.

get to know her. >> Lorie Chavez Daramer has resigned.

>> Lorie Chavez Daramer has resigned.

>> Lorie Chavez Daramer has resigned. >> Damn it.

>> Damn it.

>> Damn it. Not you, too, Lori. It's always the ones

Not you, too, Lori. It's always the ones

Not you, too, Lori. It's always the ones you never heard of.

you never heard of.

you never heard of. But that's right. Secretary Lori has

But that's right. Secretary Lori has

But that's right. Secretary Lori has resigned over a scandal. And if you're

resigned over a scandal. And if you're

resigned over a scandal. And if you're wondering which scandal, the answer is

wondering which scandal, the answer is

wondering which scandal, the answer is yes. Her departure comes amid multiple

yes. Her departure comes amid multiple

yes. Her departure comes amid multiple scandals and investigations, including

scandals and investigations, including

scandals and investigations, including drinking on the job, allegedly taking

drinking on the job, allegedly taking

drinking on the job, allegedly taking staff to a strip club, and using

staff to a strip club, and using

staff to a strip club, and using department resources for personal trips.

department resources for personal trips.

department resources for personal trips. Chavez Dreamer is also accused of having

Chavez Dreamer is also accused of having

Chavez Dreamer is also accused of having an affair with a member of her security

an affair with a member of her security

an affair with a member of her security team.

team.

team. >> What the hell

>> What the hell

>> What the hell was she going through her workplace

was she going through her workplace

was she going through her workplace anti-harassment training? Like,

anti-harassment training? Like,

anti-harassment training? Like, challenge accepted.

But taking your staff to strip clubs.

But taking your staff to strip clubs.

But taking your staff to strip clubs. Really? I can't think of a more

Really? I can't think of a more

Really? I can't think of a more inappropriate place for a government

inappropriate place for a government

inappropriate place for a government official to be spending their time.

Well, maybe a strip club isn't so bad

Well, maybe a strip club isn't so bad

Well, maybe a strip club isn't so bad after all. But before you jackals in the

after all. But before you jackals in the

after all. But before you jackals in the media go tearing Lori down just because

media go tearing Lori down just because

media go tearing Lori down just because she knows how to party, don't forget

she knows how to party, don't forget

she knows how to party, don't forget this woman has a family. have a little

this woman has a family. have a little

this woman has a family. have a little respect for what her husband is going

respect for what her husband is going

respect for what her husband is going through.

through.

through. >> Her husband also in hot water. He was

>> Her husband also in hot water. He was

>> Her husband also in hot water. He was banned from the department's

banned from the department's

banned from the department's headquarters earlier this year after two

headquarters earlier this year after two

headquarters earlier this year after two women accused him of sexual misconduct.

women accused him of sexual misconduct.

women accused him of sexual misconduct. >> What?

>> What?

>> What? My boy was banned from his wife's office

My boy was banned from his wife's office

My boy was banned from his wife's office for sexual harassment.

for sexual harassment.

for sexual harassment. I've heard of men cheating while their

I've heard of men cheating while their

I've heard of men cheating while their wives were at work. I've never heard of

wives were at work. I've never heard of

wives were at work. I've never heard of a man cheating at his wife's work.

a man cheating at his wife's work.

a man cheating at his wife's work. This guy's unreal. And to do it all with

This guy's unreal. And to do it all with

This guy's unreal. And to do it all with resting I'm gonna sniff your neck face.

resting I'm gonna sniff your neck face.

resting I'm gonna sniff your neck face. That's so impressive.

Well, this cannot get worse for Lori. I

Well, this cannot get worse for Lori. I

Well, this cannot get worse for Lori. I can't imagine anything more embarrassing

can't imagine anything more embarrassing

can't imagine anything more embarrassing than your staff being sexually harassed

than your staff being sexually harassed

than your staff being sexually harassed at work by your husband.

at work by your husband.

at work by your husband. >> The New York Times reports that the

>> The New York Times reports that the

>> The New York Times reports that the secretary's husband quote exchanged text

secretary's husband quote exchanged text

secretary's husband quote exchanged text messages with young female staff members

messages with young female staff members

messages with young female staff members as did her father.

as did her father.

as did her father. >> HOLY [\h__\h]

>> HOLY [\h__\h]

>> HOLY [\h__\h] HER DAD.

HER DAD.

HER DAD. They're saying her dad is trying to tag

They're saying her dad is trying to tag

They're saying her dad is trying to tag team his daughter's staff with his

team his daughter's staff with his

team his daughter's staff with his son-in-law.

son-in-law.

son-in-law. >> Well, no wonder she's drinking at work.

You don't know.

>> This must be a misunderstanding.

>> This must be a misunderstanding.

>> This must be a misunderstanding. In an April 2025 exchange, Richard

In an April 2025 exchange, Richard

In an April 2025 exchange, Richard Chavez wrote to a young female staff

Chavez wrote to a young female staff

Chavez wrote to a young female staff member, quote, "Hearing you are in town,

member, quote, "Hearing you are in town,

member, quote, "Hearing you are in town, wishing you would let me know, I could

wishing you would let me know, I could

wishing you would let me know, I could have made some excuses to get out and

have made some excuses to get out and

have made some excuses to get out and show you around. Please keep this

show you around. Please keep this

show you around. Please keep this private."

private."

private." >> Don't worry, buddy. No one's ever going

>> Don't worry, buddy. No one's ever going

>> Don't worry, buddy. No one's ever going to see this.

to see this.

to see this. Lory's probably like, "God damn it, Dad.

Lory's probably like, "God damn it, Dad.

Lory's probably like, "God damn it, Dad. Now you know how to use your phone.

Now you know how to use your phone.

Now you know how to use your phone. This is creepy and disgusting and also

This is creepy and disgusting and also

This is creepy and disgusting and also such a classic parent text. Even when

such a classic parent text. Even when

such a classic parent text. Even when they're being perverts, they're like,

they're being perverts, they're like,

they're being perverts, they're like, "Well, it would have been nice for you

"Well, it would have been nice for you

"Well, it would have been nice for you to give me a heads up you're coming to

to give me a heads up you're coming to

to give me a heads up you're coming to town."

town."

town." But this is crazy. There's no way Lori

But this is crazy. There's no way Lori

But this is crazy. There's no way Lori knew about her husband and her dad.

knew about her husband and her dad.

knew about her husband and her dad. Right. Right.

Some of the young women were instructed

Some of the young women were instructed

Some of the young women were instructed by the labor secretary herself to quote,

by the labor secretary herself to quote,

by the labor secretary herself to quote, "Pay attention to her husband and

"Pay attention to her husband and

"Pay attention to her husband and father. Wow. Wow. The labor secretary

father. Wow. Wow. The labor secretary

father. Wow. Wow. The labor secretary heard Cash Patel had a scandal and she's

heard Cash Patel had a scandal and she's

heard Cash Patel had a scandal and she's like, "Hold my beer

like, "Hold my beer

like, "Hold my beer and my wine and my stack of dollar bills

and my wine and my stack of dollar bills

and my wine and my stack of dollar bills and my dad's penis."

Now, look, I'm as surprised as you are

Now, look, I'm as surprised as you are

Now, look, I'm as surprised as you are that an upstanding businessman like

that an upstanding businessman like

that an upstanding businessman like Donald Trump only seems to hire corrupt

Donald Trump only seems to hire corrupt

Donald Trump only seems to hire corrupt perverts and messy drunks.

perverts and messy drunks.

perverts and messy drunks. But until more Americans come to realize

But until more Americans come to realize

But until more Americans come to realize that Donald Trump is the human

that Donald Trump is the human

that Donald Trump is the human equivalent of the poodle room,

equivalent of the poodle room,

equivalent of the poodle room, we're going to be stuck with this type

we're going to be stuck with this type

we're going to be stuck with this type of representation. And until then, the

of representation. And until then, the

of representation. And until then, the Department of Labor is going to need to

Department of Labor is going to need to

Department of Labor is going to need to make some big updates to their HR

make some big updates to their HR

make some big updates to their HR training video, which luckily we have an

training video, which luckily we have an

training video, which luckily we have an advanced copy of. If you've reached this

advanced copy of. If you've reached this

advanced copy of. If you've reached this part of the video, then you've completed

part of the video, then you've completed

part of the video, then you've completed HR training. Congratulations, new

HR training. Congratulations, new

HR training. Congratulations, new cabinet secretary.

cabinet secretary.

cabinet secretary. And now it's time, thanks to recent

And now it's time, thanks to recent

And now it's time, thanks to recent stupiding events, to bring in your

stupiding events, to bring in your

stupiding events, to bring in your husband.

Let's start with rule number one. No one

Let's start with rule number one. No one

Let's start with rule number one. No one wants to you. No one's going to that

wants to you. No one's going to that

wants to you. No one's going to that cabinet job thinking, "Oh, you know

cabinet job thinking, "Oh, you know

cabinet job thinking, "Oh, you know what? I hope I see my boss's husband's

what? I hope I see my boss's husband's

what? I hope I see my boss's husband's gross dick today." If you can't help

gross dick today." If you can't help

gross dick today." If you can't help yourself, there are over 20,000

yourself, there are over 20,000

yourself, there are over 20,000 bathrooms in federal buildings. Go jack

bathrooms in federal buildings. Go jack

bathrooms in federal buildings. Go jack off in the mint, you psycho. Okay, now

off in the mint, you psycho. Okay, now

off in the mint, you psycho. Okay, now send in a father.

Okay, fathers. Rule number one, no one

Okay, fathers. Rule number one, no one

Okay, fathers. Rule number one, no one wants to you. How much porn do you have

wants to you. How much porn do you have

wants to you. How much porn do you have to watch to think, "Oh yeah, I have a

to watch to think, "Oh yeah, I have a

to watch to think, "Oh yeah, I have a real shot of my daughter's co-workers.

real shot of my daughter's co-workers.

real shot of my daughter's co-workers. Maybe one of them will get stuck in the

Maybe one of them will get stuck in the

Maybe one of them will get stuck in the coffee machine and need me to bang them

coffee machine and need me to bang them

coffee machine and need me to bang them out of it." Let's do some role play. I'm

out of it." Let's do some role play. I'm

out of it." Let's do some role play. I'm you at your daughter's office. Hi, nice

you at your daughter's office. Hi, nice

you at your daughter's office. Hi, nice to meet you. Wrong. You should not have

to meet you. Wrong. You should not have

to meet you. Wrong. You should not have even been there in the first place. Why

even been there in the first place. Why

even been there in the first place. Why are you at your daughter's office? Last

are you at your daughter's office? Last

are you at your daughter's office? Last time I checked, there's no take your

time I checked, there's no take your

time I checked, there's no take your horny father to work day. If you have to

horny father to work day. If you have to

horny father to work day. If you have to off, do it at the mint with your

off, do it at the mint with your

off, do it at the mint with your son-in-law. Now, please send in your

son-in-law. Now, please send in your

son-in-law. Now, please send in your pets.

Who's a good boy? You're a good boy, but

Who's a good boy? You're a good boy, but

Who's a good boy? You're a good boy, but no one wants to you.