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[instrumental music plays]

[indistinct conversations]

Oh!

Oh!

Well, I declare!

[sighs]

Oh!

Mrs. Taylor! Mrs. Taylor!

Mrs. Taylor!

I was followed.

Really, miss flint? Again?

All the way home from the woman's exchange by a man.

How terrible. How awful.

He was a youngish man, dark complexion, I think,

with a wild look in his eye.

It's a wonder she isn't followed by a whole crowd

the way she gets herself up.

Well, I declare.

Now, Mr. Boldini, that's unworthy.

Don't mind Mr. Boldini, dear. He doesn't mean it.

Sit down and eat your dinner before it gets cold.

Oh, Mr. Salmon.

Miss Flint.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, Miss Flint. - [dog barks]

Look at Fanto.

Isn't he wonderful?

I've always found Fanto a quite acceptable stooge.

- Quite acceptable. - Stooge?

Theatrical parlance, Mrs. Taylor.

[Maggie in Irish accent] Mrs. Taylor? Nora!

Nora!

What is it, Maggie?

Come on down here.

Wait till my partner comes down.

She'll say the same as I do.

Well, she always has.

And for a very good reason.

If Miss Minnie was alive, heaven rest her soul,

she'd say the same thing, too.

I know.

All your boarders were friends of Miss Minnie's,

heaven rest her soul.

But she left the house to you and Mrs. Taylor.

Excuse me, please.

Nora, it's himself again.

Oh, dear. I hope he doesn't —

He does. He wants us to sell the house.

Oh, dear.

As your legal advisor,

I must warn you it's the only way out.

The bank won't wait much longer.

Ah, the back of me hand to the bank!

What they want is money.

Haven't they got enough?

Anyway, my Sarah Jane has been a big stage star

in Atlantic City for more than a month.

She'll pay them.

I wish I could believe that. Do you?

No.

Well, what are you going to do, then?

I'm gonna tell Father McGuffey on the bank.

He'll make them behave.

Well, I guess it's hopeless.

I'll do the best I can, though.

Good night, ladies.

[both] Good night.

Ohh. Ohh.

[sighs]

Everything will come out all right, Maggie.

I made up a story about it.

Ah, you and your stories.

But this one is about Tommy. I know he loves me,

even though he has been gone five years

and hasn't sent a letter.

He's somewhere. Paris, maybe.

And, Maggie, where do you think he can be?

Mrs. Taylor, it's time for the rummy game.

The rummies are waiting. Come on.

Four Aces, three Jacks.

Mr. Boldini's won another game.

That puts him in the lead with 1,800 —

5,1 and 5—

1,834 games.

Miss Flint, you are wrong.

1,835 games.

It's quite a lot of games.

Or don't you think so?

Mrs. Taylor?

Yes, Mr. Van Diver?

When will Miss Minnie be down?

She should have been here hours ago.

Now, Mr. Van Diver, you know where Miss Minnie is.

Oh, yes.

For the moment, I had forgotten.

Peaceful here, isn't it?

Peaceful and secure.

[bang, thud]

[woman] Wouldn't take no for an answer, huh?

Thought you'd follow me home?

[banging]

[dog barking]

[man and woman arguing indistinctly]

What made you think you'd get away with

anything like that with me?

Wouldn't take no for an answer, huh?

Thought you'd follow me home, did you?

So you thought you'd get away with something!

You dirty little beast!

Scram!

Okay, it's me, Sarah Jane. Open up.

It's Sarah Jane.

Oh, Fanto, how's a man's best friend?

Hello, Mr. Van Diver.

Hello, kids!

Welcome home, Sarah Jane. We've missed you quite a lot.

Welcome home, Sarah Jane.

Oh. Thanks, Boldini.

Say, did you hear Mr. Merkle and me

whooping it up on the front stoop?

Did he molest you?

I was molested today by a man —

Can you imagine?

He was going to make me a torch singer.

He took me into his studio,

and after about five minutes, I said, "Yeah?

Well, I've never heard this called an audition before."

He followed me home in a taxi cab.

Yeah, and with a get, too!

As if I didn't know how to handle a monkey with a get.

The man who followed me —

he said he wanted to discover me... me.

Well, I've been discovered so many times,

they call me "Miss America."

- Where's ma? - Up in her room.

So long, kids. Go on with your game.

Thanks, Boldini. How's your liver?

I'll be seeing you.

Just like a breath of spring.

Hello, ma. I'm home, I'm home!

Oh, I thought it must be you!

A fine way to come home —

jolting the neighbors out of their beds.

What happened in Atlantic City?

The usual thing.

Fired again. Ha!

That makes six times this year.

Ah, Sarah Jane, why can't you keep a job?

When you went to work for Mr. Greenfield this time,

I felt sure you was made.

So did greenfield.

Oh, sometimes I'm almost glad that poor Miss Minnie's dead,

heaven rest her soul.

At least it saves me the shame of having her know

that me own girl has grown up to be a hussy!

- I am not. I'm a good girl. - You are not.

You don't act like a good girl, don't talk like a good girl,

and you don't dress like a good girl.

Listen, ma, I act and talk and dress exactly as I please,

but technically, I'm still a good girl.

I don't believe it!

If anybody else said that, you'd kill them.

- Oh, ma, I love you. - Ah, do you, now?

When I went to work in Atlantic City this time,

- you know what I planned? - What?

I was going to make enough money to buy you a new silk dress

and some new furniture for the parlor,

and a silver frame for Miss Minnie's picture.

Sarah Jane, what are you trying to say?

Ma, could you lend me 20 bucks?

- No! - OW!

I thought so.

Why don't you ask for a million?

Can you spare it?

Now that you're home,

what are you going to do with yourself?

Well, right now, I think I'll go down to the icebox

and see if there's any beer.

Oh, ma, please be glad to have me home.

Ohh.

So long, Minnie. See you around.

How dare you!

Oh, Miss Minnie,

what are we going to do with her?

- Maggie. - Oh.

Did Sarah Jane bring home any money?

She wanted to borrow $20.

What about Father McGuffey?

I phoned him, and he said he can't do nothing about the bank.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

My story about Tommy

is beginning to work out better now.

Ah, it's a lot of imagination you'll need.

The story I'm making up is, he wants to surprise us.

He's been working hard and saving his money,

and soon he'll come home in a fine, big car.

It'll have a cut-glass light in the top,

and he'll have money in every pocket.

He'll be a great composer,

and he'll play for us and tell us not to worry.

["Oh, Danny Boy" plays on piano]

Good night.

Hey, that too sticky and sentimental

for 3:00 in the morning.

Play something of your own.

Why?

Because I'd like to hear it.

[up-tempo piano music plays]

Hey, that ain't bad.

Maybe I'll help you get it published.

That's what you said three months ago.

Well, that ain't so long ago. Maybe I'll still do it.

I don't think you will. I'm quitting.

Huh?

You can pay me off tonight.

What's the idea?

I'm tired of playing for peanuts and promises.

And I'm tired of packing a get for you.

The law catches up with you,

I don't want to stick my neck out to try to save yours.

I like my neck. It's the only one I've got.

Hey, come here. Come here.

- Where you gonna go? - I don't know.

Back home to mama?

No.

Ah, you'd be better off sticking with me.

I like your music. Come on, let's go.

Mr. Maguire, the cops. We're staked.

Come on, kid.

- George. - What's happened?

Open that safe.

Monks — the double-crossing rat.

Turn off them lights.

Get those records out of the safe

and pile them on the floor — all of them.

[rattling]

Bring the axes.

Get some lighter fluid or something

and make this stuff burn.

Keep your trap shut. Come on, Tommy.

Where's Maguire?

I don't know.

[Chips] Give me that gun.

- [Tommy] Don't, Chips. - Give me that gun!

[gunshots]

[brakes squeal]

That double-Grosser that Monks turned out to be.

Sitting in my office as nice as you please,

and all the time, he's got the cops tipped off.

Where you gonna go?

And to think that I might get in trouble

for plugging a rat like that.

[chuckles]

Well, the law's awful cockeyed sometimes.

I asked you, "Where you gonna go?"

Huh? Oh, I don't know.

I got a couple of hideouts,

but Monks has probably tipped the cops off to them, too.

Say!

Hey, that dump your old lady runs

is a boardinghouse, ain't it?

How'd you know that?

What, do you think I hire guys that I don't look up?

Sure, that'll make a swell hideout

till my lawyer gets things straightened out.

We cook up a story so the old lady don't get suspicious.

Forget it.

I've done enough to worry my mother

without bringing home a prize package like you.

I wouldn't take that attitude if I was you.

The boardinghouse is out!

Now, look, Tommy, why do you suppose

I had my lawyer take out a gun permit in your name?

The cops are gonna carve a bullet out of Monks.

What if they get hold of the gun that fired that bullet?

So, that's it, huh?

That's why I had to carry a gun

to hold down a piano job at the Cairo club.

Sure, I always like to have an alibi ready for an emergency.

Now, if I was to toss this artillery

out in the street, what happens?

The cops learn it rubbed out Monks.

So, who do they look for, you or me?

Me, I suppose.

What makes you think I'll be where they can find me?

I bet they won't find you,

but they're sure to find your old lady.

Yeah, how do you think she's gonna feel

when the cops tell her her kid's wanted for murder?

You want to bust her heart?

If there was ever a heel...

'Course, it ain't ever gonna come to that,

because just as long as I got hold of this gun,

you're gonna do exactly as you're told.

Now, give the driver your address.

[doorbell buzzing]

[buzzing continues]

[Nora] Who's there? What is it?

It's Tommy.

Tommy.

Tommy!

I knew you'd come home,

driving a great big —

I knew you'd come home.

[crying]

Let me look at you.

Wait a minute, ma.

Come in.

This is Mr. Grasselli.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Taylor.

Won't you come in to the parlor?

- The what? - The parlor.

Oh, yeah, sure.

If you only knew how I've dreamed about this.

Yeah, sure.

It looks about the same.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Grasselli,

but I haven't seen my boy for five years.

Go right ahead. If he can stand it, I can.

Isn't there something I can get for you?

Maybe some supper or something to drink?

No, thanks.

Mr. Grasselli wants a room for a while. Have you got one?

Yes, on the next floor, at the back.

Maybe I could have the little room next to him, huh?

Tommy, you can have anything you want.

You see, he doesn't like to be alone.

Just a great big baby, Mrs. Taylor.

I'll show you right up.

Hey, this is some joint.

Looks like a museum.

I hope you'll be comfortable here, Mr. Grasselli.

It was the old gentleman's room.

[dramatic music plays]

What's that?

That was part of the old gentleman's collection,

he was a naturalist.

And, Mr. Grasselli, I hope you don't mind,

but they mustn't be touched.

They won't be.

[shade flaps]

[dramatic music plays]

That was one of his best specimens.

He was a fine man.

He died right in that bed, heaven rest his soul.

You can pull this up if you get cold.

Now, just you stop fussing about me, Mrs. Taylor. Good night.

Oh, but I'd be glad to lay out —

why, we forgot the baggage.

Uh, we didn't bring it.

I'll get it first thing in the morning.

Oh, I see. Breakfast is at 9:00.

I forgot to tell you that Mr. Grasselli

wants his meals in his room.

He wants to stay in here all the time.

Well, not while I'm making it up.

Yeah, but you see, it's doctor's orders, Mrs. Taylor.

I'm recovering from a nervous breakdown.

It upsets me to see people.

I'm so sorry. Of course I don't mind.

Oh, I ain't asking for no favors.

I'd be glad to pay extra.

You must have a lot of money to throw around, Mr. Grasselli,

paying extra just to sit around and watch a bed being made up.

But if you're sick, you better go right to bed.

Would you mind if I waited till you got out?

I'll go right now. Good night.

I'll go and fix your room up.

All right.

- [door closes] - Listen, Tommy, I —

Mr. Grasselli, the bathroom is just across the Hall.

- Thanks. Good night. - [door closes]

Will you please tell your old lady to keep out of my hair?

Oh, that's just ma's way.

Yeah, well, tell her anyway, will you?

Oh, I hate mothers.

Silver threads among the...

[dramatic music plays]

Top of the morning to you, ma.

Middle of the afternoon to you. Lunch is over.

All the better for my figure.

You'll have to get up for your meals

if you want to get anything around this house.

I don't want any meals. All I want's a cup of coffee.

And I might try a piece of that steak.

Sure.

Ah, I don't believe in this diet.

How about some potatoes with your steak?

Well, if there's any gravy, I'll try a little of that, too.

Sarah Jane?

Hmm?

- Sarah Jane? - Hmm?

Tommy's come home.

Tommy? No kidding?

Oh, so what?

Can you imagine Chips Maguire?

I used to work for him in the Villa Paradise Nightclub.

I said Tommy's home.

I heard you. So he's home.

Ma, inside me, I'm bursting with girlish enthusiasm,

but I'm trying to control my feelings.

You take it as if he'd only gone away yesterday.

Oh, that's a fine-looking fella.

Where is his face?

Well, Chips isn't exactly photogenic.

Ah, don't talk dirty!

Ma, you have the lowest mind.

That only means he never lets them take a picture of him.

There's a piece of lemon meringue pie left over.

You want it?

One more bite can't make any difference.

Tommy brought a friend back with him last night.

He's going to stay here as a boarder.

Yeah?

- His name is Mr. Grasselli. - Never heard of him.

He's home, up in the parlor, trying out the piano.

Why don't you run up there and see him?

Let him run down here to see me.

Sarah Jane, is there anything wrong between you and Tommy?

Anything wrong? How could there be?

Well, then why don't you want to go to talk to him?

What'll we talk about?

About the letters he didn't write

and the postcards I didn't get?

Of course, we could talk about when we were kids

and he pulled my hair and I slapped his face,

but that would lead into a fight.

Unless he's changed a lot in five years, we'll fight anyway.

One of us will make a smart crack, and we're off again.

That'd button down your temper for once.

Button down your own!

Well, now, Sarah Jane, you try it just this once.

Step off on the right foot by saying something sweet to him.

Really, he's dying to see you.

- Go on. - Oh, please.

Do what you're told.

Oh, quit pushing me around!

[door bangs]

Maggie...

Do you know what I think?

Ah, you don't think. You imagine.

Stories all the time.

This is a true one about Tommy and Sarah Jane.

They're secretly in love with each other,

and after five years, they're scared of the first meeting.

Ah, that's a lollapalooza!

[slow-tempo piano music plays]

[music stops]

Hello, runt.

- Hello, smarty-pants. - [music resumes]

I heard you were home.

Where have you been?

Oh, Chicago, St. Louis,

San Francisco, Panama, a lot of places.

And you never sent a word to your poor, old mother.

She was almost crazy sometimes.

I don't need you to tell me about it.

You don't need anybody for anything, do you?

If you mean I can take care of myself, you're right.

Yeah, well, from the looks of you,

you've been making a swell job of it.

I've been doing all right.

Why'd you come home? Who's Grasselli?

Why don't you mind your own business?

Why don't you take a running swan dive into the East River?

Did you sleep well, Mr. Grasselli?

Yeah, pretty good.

Kind of quiet around here, ain't it?

- Hey, does she live here? - Who?

The redhead that just went by.

Oh, that must have been Sarah Jane.

Oh, that's her name, huh? Sarah Jane?

That's Mrs. Ryan's daughter.

She's two years younger than my boy, Tommy.

They were brought up like brother and sister, they were.

I made up a little story about them.

Would you like to hear it?

Yeah, but some other time, Mrs. Taylor.

Right now, to be candid with you,

I'm trying to get to the bathroom.

With your hat on?

Yeah, why not?

Well, then, I'll make the story short.

Now that Tommy's home,

he's gonna work on his music and become a great composer,

and Sarah Jane is gonna be discovered

and be a great movie star.

Then they'll get married and be rich and famous,

and none of us will have to worry anymore.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, but it's kind of corny, ain't it?

Don't you like stories, Mr. Grasselli?

Yeah, I do, when they got some red meat in them.

I go for prize-fight yarns —

something with gangsters in them.

- You know, something real. - You mean, with villains?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's what I mean.

But I don't believe in villains, Mr. Grasselli.

Oh, you don't?

No, not even in real life. Nobody's really a villain.

Nobody's really bad.

[chuckles]

Yeah, some of the boys I know would be glad to hear that.

Oh, please don't smoke another cigarette, Mr. Grasselli.

Look at these — all since last night.

You shouldn't smoke so much,

considering the state of your health.

Now, listen, Mrs. Taylor, you know, my health

would be a lot better if you'd stop worrying about it.

Well, I'm only trying to take care of you.

Please don't.

Mr. Grasselli, are you an orphan?

Wha... Why?

Well, every time I try to take care of you,

you act so funny.

It makes me think you've never known

a mother's loving care.

I-I think I can make it now.

Oh, dear!

Hey!

Hey, what are you snooping around for?

I wasn't snooping.

I was just putting your things away.

Besides, we're not used to having boarders

who bring in guns in their suitcases.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Taylor.

Don't jump to any wrong conclusions.

See, I-I do quite a bit of hunting.

It's sort of a hobby with me, yeah.

As a matter of fact, just as soon as I get to feeling better,

I'm going on a hunting trip. Heh heh.

That's why I had them guns sent along.

Oh, well, I thought —

Yes, I can see how you would.

I'm sorry I got mad. I hope you'll excuse me.

Oh, sure, sure.

Mrs. Taylor, don't spread it around.

The others might jump to wrong conclusions, too.

I give you my word, I won't mention it to a soul,

not even Maggie.

I'll go and fetch your tray.

[whistles]

[car door closes]

A month is a long time

for a man like Mr. Grasselli to stay cooped up.

Better keep your eye on him, Tommy.

See that he doesn't take any chances.

All you do is talk about Grasselli.

- What about me? - [chuckles]

You'll be all right, Tommy, my boy.

You just string along with Mr. Grasselli.

He likes you. You're in good hands.

Sure, and they're right around my neck.

Good night, Tommy. All right, Mike.

[door closes]

Oh. Hello.

It's a little girl's bedtime.

Or don't you think you need beauty sleep?

Who's the man with the satchel and the brown hat

who comes to see Mr. Grasselli all the time?

It's his doctor. Dr. Roberts.

Oh, his doctor.

Well, if he's that sick, why doesn't he go to a hospital?

What a big nose you have, grandma.

All the better not to like the smell of Mr. Grasselli.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

But why does he stay in his room all the time?

Who's he hiding from?

He's not hiding.

The poor man's trying to get a rest cure.

Doesn't look like he's got much chance.

Is he a good friend of yours?

Yep.

Gonna help me get my music published

if I ever get the chance to do any more writing.

That's funny.

I never heard of an impresario called Grasselli.

A lot of things you haven't heard of.

Now, go away and let me work!

It's a pleasure!

[piano music plays]

Still here?

You can't make me mad.

No, not as long as you can think up another question.

[chuckles] No, no more questions.

I, uh... I thought you might give me an idea

of one of your songs.

Sure.

Didn't think you were interested.

Sweet singing Susan! Where did you learn to do that?

Haven't you ever heard about genius?

Well, can you imagine the real thing?

It's all written out and everything.

Oh, Tommy, I didn't know you were so smart.

Where'd you learn to write music?

One of the things I picked up wandering around.

Oh, that's wonderful. Have you got any more?

Too many. Look.

Uh, maybe you'd give me a crack at singing one of them, huh?

- Since when do you sing? - I've always sung.

Oh, yeah, I remember, you and Miss Minnie's cats.

Well, if you could stand the cats, you can stand me.

I wish I had a comic number, because I've got an idea

that's the way it's gonna turn out.

There's one.

"'Angel in Disguise.'

Words and music by Tommy Taylor."

[lively music plays]

No, play lower.

- [music plays in lower key] - No, still lower.

- [music stops] - Say, what key do you sing in?

Well, look, you play it in the key you like,

and I'll sing it in the key I like,

and we'll see how it sounds.

Wish I had four hands —

two to play the piano and two to hold my ears.

Move over, mister.

[music resumes in lower key]

"You're just an angel in disguise...

"wandered down from up above.

You're just a heavenly surprise.

Who came to earth for me to love."

[both humming]

♪ It's more than thrilling ♪

♪ It leaves me shy ♪

[humming]

- ♪ I'm more than willing ♪ - [whistling]

♪ To teach my timid heart to fly ♪

♪ I simply don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm not accustomed to these things ♪

♪ Perhaps the smartest thing to do ♪

♪ Is take the scissors to your — ♪

[wrong note plays]

[chuckles] Try it again.

♪ Is take the scissors to your wings ♪

♪ Da-la la-dee da-da la-da-doe ♪

[whistling]

♪ And you can never ♪

[humming]

♪ I'll have an angel in disguise ♪

♪ Forever in my arms to love ♪

[music stops]

Well, how does that stack up

with Miss Minnie's cats?

Hmm, pretty close to a tie.

Tommy, you know, we ought to team up. We'd be good.

We'd be great... At starving to death.

No. Now, maybe your friend would give both of us a break.

What do you say we work up a couple of numbers?

We could come down here and —

Lock the doors.

Yes, and soundproof the walls.

And maybe it'll keep you from annoying me about Grasselli.

[laughs] Over again, huh?

- Okay. - [intro plays]

5" You're just an angel in disguise A"

5" Who wandered down from up above A"

5" You're just a heavenly surprise 5"

♪ Who came to Earth for me to love a"

I ought to change me dress.

Nonsense. You look fine.

Oh, isn't that Mr. Grasselli's lunch?

Oh, she's getting brighter every day.

Say, what kind of an egg is he?

Mr. Grasselli isn't an egg. He's a fine gentleman.

Then why is Tommy scared of him?

Why, I never heard such an idea.

Something's very fishy!

- Are you both going in? - Yeah.

- Goody. Me too. - Oh, I don't think he'd like it.

Well, the three of us could do up his room in no time.

That's the first time I've ever heard you

volunteer to do housework.

I'm a changed woman, full of the spirit of service.

You're full of what killed the cat. Scat!

Scat!

Yeah, who is it?

[Nora] Mrs. Taylor. Lunch!

Come in.

[door closes]

Who's that?

It's just Mrs. Ryan, my partner.

She couldn't stand it any longer.

-I thought I told you — -Pleased to meet you.

I brought you up a special beef broth I made

to help build up your strength.

Well, nobody's gonna be sick in any house where I'm cook.

Yeah, well, I don't like beef broth.

Well, you're going to eat it.

Who says so?

Now, don't get tough with me, young man.

If I handled Miss Minnie's old gentleman,

I can handle you.

Take that cigar out.

Take it out!

Here, taste this.

Please, Mr. Grasselli.

Now, don't be making faces.

No invalid yet liked anything that would do him good.

- Swallow. - Please.

[gulps]

[exhales sharply]

Now I got two mothers.

You've been mending that curtain for a week.

Don't he ever leave his room?

Only to go to the bathroom.

And then he's nothing but something in a bathrobe

with a hat pulled over his face.

Oh.

[door closes]

[water runs]

[dramatic music plays]

Well...

If it ain't Sal.

So, Mr. Grasselli is Chips Maguire.

I was kind of dumb not to have guessed it.

I've been shadowed before, but this is the first time

I ever been ambushed in the bathroom.

I just had to find out what Tommy's gotten himself

- messed up with. - Well, now you know.

Yeah, I had a hunch it would be something

that could get us all into trouble.

Trouble's one thing I can dish out when people ask for it.

And that goes for dames that see too much.

Oh, save that pushing around for your dopey gorillas.

This is me you're talking to.

How is Tommy mixed up with you?

- Why don't you ask him? - I will.

Wait a minute, Sal.

[chuckles]

Now you know it's me,

will you come in and talk to me sometime?

- Why? - I'm going daffy.

If it ain't a roomful of mothers

peeking behind my ears to see if I washed,

it's them — them monkeys hanging on the wall.

They're beginning to make faces at me.

Why don't you make faces right back,

scare them to death?

- Tommy. - What were you doing in there?

Scrubbing Maguire's back. What do you think?

Come in here!

You needn't get so rough.

Now you've done it — spoiled everything with your spying.

I haven't spoiled anything.

Just cleared up the situation, that's all.

Oh, sure.

Tommy...

Are you in trouble?

- What'd he tell you? - Nothing.

This makes twice you've been told the same thing.

Tommy...

I'm just trying to sell you a friend, mister.

I've got a friend.

Grasselli.

Look, Tommy...

You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to,

but if you'll take me in off your doorstep,

I'll be grateful.

Well, I've been working for Chips.

Doing what?

- Playing piano in the nightclub. - Oh.

Then he got in a jam, and he had to have a place to live.

I was only trading him a favor

for the break he was gonna give me.

Doing what, toasting in the chair?

No, getting my music published.

He has influence with everybody that counts.

You poor baby lamb.

Don't you know a runaround when you see it?

I know gorillas like Chips Maguire.

I know what kind of a pal he'd be.

He gives you promises as long as he can use you

and then forgets all about you.

We'll throw him out on the street where he belongs!

- You can't do that! - Why not?

Well, maybe you're right.

As long as you brought him here and the damage is done,

a little while longer can't make it any worse.

And while we've got him here, we might as we" use him.

[Maggie singing indistinctly]

Mmm! What's all the excitement today? Somebody's birthday?

- Ah! - [chuckles]

Tommy, can you keep a secret?

Mr. Grasselli's coming down to dinner tonight.

Mr. Grasselli's doing what?

And don't you say I said so.

[fork clangs]

Now, what does he want to do that for?

[bell dings]

Hurry. There's the dinner gong.

I ain't so hot on this idea.

Oh, stop being a scaredy-pants.

What's wrong with meeting a few old boarders?

They're nice people.

What's that?

[chuckles]

Why, it must be a token from Miss Flint.

- A what from who? - Miss Flint. [laughs]

I've been wondering why she suddenly stopped imagining

being chased home by men.

All of her life, she's waited

for her one big moment, and it looks like you're it.

Now I know I ain't goin' down.

Oh, look, you can't disappoint ma and Mrs. Taylor.

They're counting on you.

What do I care what a couple of old hens have been counting on?

Well, would you — would you do it for me?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'd do it for you.

Shall we have coffee in the parlor?

Why, of course, Mrs. Taylor.

What would Miss Minnie think if we had coffee anywhere else?

Then we can give Mr. Grasselli his surprise.

What do you mean, surprise?

Oh, a nice one, to celebrate your first night out.

That is, if everyone is willing.

It was Sarah Jane's idea.

Mr. Grasselli, you'll be astonished

how much talent we have in this house.

Every now and then, we give a regular vaudeville performance.

Mr. Salmon reads his poetry.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't, really.

Really.

The third poem which I should like to read to you

belongs to the village period of my career —

those golden days when life was free and zestful,

and when, as a consequence,

my work took on the overtones of harsh, animal beauty.

It is called "Complaint to Venus."

[clears throat]

"Complaint to Venus."

[piano plays intro]

"Oh, Venus, born of warm and languorous seas,

"Bliss and torment of men and gods,

"Lifted full budded from the breasted wave.

"Oh, cruel enchantress, what is your desire?

"Your pulse a pounding surf,

"Your form the undulance of ocean swells.

"You are too divine not to have dipped your silver prow

"In love's most hurricane stream.

What is your desire?"

To get out of here.

"One moon-drenched hour upon a kelped craig,

"In fretful slumber I dreamed I was a wave

"About your cradled shell,

"Tossing on Neptune's restless ways,

rippling 'round your pearly fairness."

[chuckles]

"Rippling 'round your pearly fairness."

He just said that.

"Distilling from your shining hair

to run in amorous rillets down each..."

- That's mush. - Hush.

"...raptured charm.

Ah, this was sweet desire."

Isn't he wonderful?

Oh. [chuckles]

I'm glad that's over.

Mr. Salmon, that was beautiful.

That was exquisite.

Would you mind doing the whole thing again?

Oh, not at all. Gladly.

Because I have to go and prepare my act in the meantime.

- Thank you. - "Oh, Venus" —

Wait a minute. Fanto, come.

"Oh, Venus, born of warm and languorous seas,

bliss and torment of men and gods..."

[piano fanfare plays]

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Boldini!

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen...

[laughing]

- Please! - [stops laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen... [clears throat]

...I regret very much

that I have not my troupe of six Roman dancing girls

here to assist me

and that the stage is too small

for an entertainment worthy of the great Boldini.

However, we shall do our best,

and I take pleasure to introduce to you Fanto,

the world's greatest wonder dog.

[applause, piano fanfare plays]

[laughter]

Please, sir, remember, Fanto is just my stooge.

I am the great Boldini.

Thank you.

Poor old Boldini with his moth-eaten tricks.

Professor?

[music plays]

I'm going to prepare an omelet —

an omelet that is, uh —

an omelet [clears throat] in this pan.

I take an egg...

Break it.

Take another egg...

Break it, too.

[sniffs, clears throat]

Take some pepper.

Salt.

Stir it.

[stirring]

Take a match.

Ha ha.

[applause]

[Chips laughs]

Get a load of Fanto!

[applause continues]

That's the smartest pooch I've ever seen.

Wonderful dog. Clever dog.

And don't forget you're just a stooge.

I'll talk to you later.

[laughter]

Um, your attention, please.

I'm going to perform my most sensational trick

without the assistance of Fanto.

And this, I regret to say...

will conclude my performance.

[laughs] Say, that guy's terrific.

Please. Professor.

I'm going to produce an enormous bowl of live goldfish

out of the very thin air.

And I'm demonstrating to you

that there's nothing hidden or concealed

about my cape, my costume, my body,

or whatever it may be.

Are you ready?

Yeah, go ahead.

Watch closely.

Watch closely.

Watch closely.

[laughter]

Fanto!

[laughter continues]

[knock on door]

- [Mr. Boldini whimpering] - Mr. Boldini?

Mr. Boldini!

Oh, don't feel so bad.

Why, you were a great success.

It wasn't meant to be that way at all.

That stooge!

Oh, you're taking it all the wrong way.

Why, Mr. Grasselli said

that was the funniest act he'd ever seen.

[Mr. Boldini groans]

Oh, please be a good sport and come on down.

Tommy and I are going to do our act

as soon as I change my costume.

No, never again.

Never again.

Ladies and gentlemen, everybody seems

to be writing gaucho songs these days,

so I whipped up a little hot tamale myself

called "The Gaucho Serenade."

[lively music plays]

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Every... ♪

♪ Night when the moon is shining bright ♪

♪ Down in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ Comes a gent with a mellow instrument ♪

♪ And a colorful sombrero ♪

♪ Then he sings ♪

♪ And the melody he brings so tenderly played ♪

♪ Is called a gaucho ♪

♪ Serenade ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La la ♪

♪ Si, senor ♪

♪ He's a happy troubadour, in the patio you'll find him ♪

♪ Si, senor, he will go from door to door ♪

♪ Leaving happiness behind him ♪

♪ All the sweet senoritas hurry out to join the parade ♪

♪ And hear the gaucho ♪

♪ Serenade ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La la ♪

[interlude plays]

♪ Si, senor ♪

♪ He's a happy troubadour, in the patio you'll find him ♪

♪ Si, senor, he will go from door to door ♪

♪ Leaving happiness behind him ♪

♪ All the sweet senoritas hurry out to join the parade ♪

♪ And hear the gaucho ♪

♪ Serenade ♪

♪ Ay, yi-yi-yi, yi-yi-yi, yi-yi-yi ♪

♪ Yi yi ♪

[humming]

♪ The gaucho ♪

♪ Serenade ♪

[humming]

♪ The gaucho ♪

♪ Serenade ♪

[applause]

[humming]

It's certainly nice of you, Mr. Grasselli,

to take poor Mr. Boldini's place.

Now you're one of us.

Yeah. Nice, ain't it?

Hey, them kids have been gone a long time.

Well, you know how it is with young people in love.

You know what I told you about them.

You see? It's all beginning to come true.

[Chuckles]

Sorry, ladies, I'm out.

Well, that's another game for Mr. Grasselli.

- Have a peanut. - Have one yourself.

Well, you should be glad that Maguire liked our act.

We went over big.

Didn't you see him light up like a torch?

Mm-hmm.

Well, you can't expect him to show his appreciation of you

- the same way he does of me. - That's right.

Then, what are you sore about?

I told you to stay away from that monkey.

Yeah, and you told me he promised to help you,

but I don't see him doing it.

Look, Tommy, if you'll just let me handle him,

maybe I can get us the break we need.

Maybe you can, if you want it that bad.

Thanks.

Tommy.

Tommy!

I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm sorry.

But trying to help you is like trying

to lift the Empire State Building with one hand.

Nobody asked you to help me.

Maybe someday you'll tell me

what they did to you in just five years

to make you act like this.

My goodness, Mr. Grasselli,

I can't get over the wonderful way you shuffle and deal.

Your friend Grasselli's waiting up for you.

- Good night, Tommy. - Good night.

Well, how's everything going?

Come around here and bring me luck.

He really doesn't need it.

Did you teach Mr. Grasselli how to play?

Mr. Grasselli learned rather quickly.

Mr. Grasselli has won every game except one.

Beginner's luck.

We've made him the croupier

because he deals so much better than any of us.

Well, should we make this the last one?

Oop. Clumsy of me.

Ahh. Afraid I've won again.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Neither have I. - [doorbell buzzes]

I'll answer it.

Thank you.

Ma, why is the bank writing you and Mrs. Taylor?

The bank? Well, how do I know?

Where did I leave me glasses?

- I'll read it for you. - Oh, no, I —

Well, you might as well know.

"Ladies, this is to give you a last warning

"that unless past-due taxes on your property

"amounting to $1,189.64

"are paid by the last deadline tomorrow,

"we shall be forced

"to immediately begin foreclosure proceedings.

Yours very —"

Gee.

Well...

Now you know.

Not that it's any of your business.

Well, it is if they're going to take the place away.

Well, they're not. Miss Minnie left it to us.

And no bank's going to take it away from us.

They can't.

What would happen to Mr. Van Diver and Miss Flint

and Mr. Boldini?

Ah, sure as Nora says, something will turn up.

The only thing I can see turning up is a process server.

Oh, gee, mom.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making cracks.

I haven't made it any easier for you,

living off you and borrowing money.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't.

And don't you tell Tommy, now.

Nora don't want to have him worried.

Somebody's got to worry.

Maybe it's me.

Gee, it'd seem kind of funny to have responsibilities.

[clicking]

[knock on door]

Yeah? Who is it?

[Sarah Jane] me.

Oh. Come in!

Come on in. Close the door.

Unh-unh. Better not.

Ma will start worrying about purgatory.

- Where is she? - She won't disturb us.

I, uh, hope you don't mind my coming in like this.

- Well, I invited you, didn't I? - I mean, so late.

Why should I? Sit down.

You know, I've been wanting a chance

to talk to you all evening.

I thought you was high-hattin' me, but now I see.

I came up here to tell you something.

Well, wait a minute, baby.

I want to tell you something first.

You know, I've seen you around Broadway for years,

but to me, you were just Sal —

a showgirl who was always getting herself in a jam.

But tonight, you opened my eyes.

You got me all hopped up,

and I'm gonna do something about it.

You got talent, baby.

You can go places if you're handled right.

Now — now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

That of all the cheap crooks I've ever met,

you are the lowest.

What do you mean?

Palming the cards in a game with a lot of old women.

Who was palming cards?

You were pulling them from every place but Miss Flint's ears.

- I saw you. - Oh.

Well, so what?

I can have a couple of laughs, can't I?

We wasn't playing for any money.

Be bad enough if you were taking their money.

You're taking their fun away from them.

That's all they have left.

Oh.

Yeah, I never thought of that.

I got to have a little fun myself, don't I?

I guess it's kind of a habit with me.

Every time I get a deck of cards in my hand —

That's all I came to tell you. Good night, Mr. Grasselli.

Well, wait a minute, Sal. Wait a minute.

Say, uh...

You ain't gonna tell them, are you?

- Te|| who? - The old ladies.

Don't tell me you'd care.

Well, no, I wouldn't, but they might.

Do you really want to square yourself?

- With you, too? - Mm-hmm.

- Sure. How? - Well, the old girls are broke.

They're going to lose the house

if something isn't done about it.

Oh.

How much is the Shakedown?

$1,189.64.

[Chuckles] 64 cents, huh?

Taxes due tomorrow.

I thought you was talking about real money.

Okay, baby, I'll be your sucker.

That's a dangerous promise.

Now, wait a minute. Don't hurry away like that.

I got an idea.

I just bet you have.

On the level. I got it when I was downstairs tonight.

It's about the old ladies.

Now, the tax money's only postponing their troubles.

This joint's got to be put on a paying basis.

Yes, but how?

Well, by opening a nightclub.

- You mean here? - Sure.

A new kind of a joint, see?

I kind of liked the atmosphere when I was down there tonight.

Now, we can keep some of the furniture

and the curtains and things like that

and keep that old-fashioned, homey feeling.

Feed them some of your ma's cooking,

and they'll rave about it and pay 10 prices for it.

We'll keep it small, exclusive, and expensive.

Put a little dance floor in

where the parlor and the dining room are

and entertain the customers with acts

and with that "Bolgoni" guy like he was tonight,

and you and Tommy singing three or four songs.

Why, it's a natural.

And you get a hearing.

Can you imagine ma and Mrs. Taylor running a nightclub?

Ah, they wouldn't be running it. I would.

And I even got an idea for a name — "The Roaring 903."

What's the angle, Chips?

Oh, because I'm going nuts in this monkey cage, that's why.

I got to have action!

Are you sure that's all of it?

Well...

Maybe yes and maybe no.

Well, what's the rest?

Don't tell me you've gone soft for ma and Mrs. Taylor.

Would you believe it if I did?

Well, if you've got any ideas about you and me,

I wouldn't advise you to let your mind dwell on them.

[laughs]

The come-on without a promise, eh?

You're terrific, Sal.

Well, skip it, sweetheart. We'll talk about that later on.

- What about the nightclub? - I'll talk it over with Tommy.

All of it? Including you and me?

Don't get ahead of yourself.

♪ While strolling through the park one day ♪

♪ Boom, boom ♪

♪ In the merry, merry month of may ♪

♪ Boom, boom ♪

♪ I was taken by surprise by a pair of laughing eyes ♪

All right, Chips, this room's been rented to another boarder.

Pack your things and get out.

You must have been out in the sun, Tommy.

- You're all heated up. - No cracks. You heard me.

I said it was a stinking idea when you made me bring you here,

but at least you promised to slip in and stay in your room.

But you wouldn't be satisfied with that.

You had to poke your nose downstairs,

and the minute you laid your eyes on Sarah Jane...

Well, ain't you the sentimental little songwriter?

Some lyrics.

"My childhood sweetheart."

Listen, Tommy, you ain't kids any longer.

Kids grow up. Sal's been around.

She's old enough to do what she wants.

You gonna go, or do I have to throw you out?

I wouldn't be so tough with me if I was you,

considering the setup.

Maybe you better go over in the corner and count 10.

I'm way above 10!

I tell you, I'm gonna crack this thing wide open.

I can trump every card in your hand,

because I don't care anymore what happens to me,

and you do care what happens to you.

Ah, cool off, Tommy.

There's a lot of things you don't know anything about.

Yeah? What?

Well, your old lady and Mrs. Ryan are broke.

Didn't you know that?

- What do you mean? - Yeah, it's on the level.

They're all gonna be thrown out in the street

unless something's done about it.

I had to advance them enough money

to keep the mortgage from being foreclosed.

You don't care how you tie a guy's hands, do you?

Don't give up hope, Tommy.

Maybe the old girls won't stand for the idea.

And besides, what would poor Miss Minnie think,

heaven rest her soul,

with people drinking and cavorting in her parlor?

I'm sure poor Miss Minnie would feel a lot worse

having her furniture auctioned off

to just anybody who came along.

Maybe it'll work out fine, Maggie. I'll bet —

Wait a minute. Now, there you go again.

Getting that look in your eyes.

You've begun to make up a story about it already.

How did you know?

Oh, I haven't lived with you for 40 years for nothing.

Already you see yourself branching out

into a whole chain of nightclubs,

providing luxury for all the boarders,

and Sarah Jane there, huh, maybe becoming an opera star,

Tommy a famous composer,

driving up in a big gas buggy

with a cut-glass light in the top.

Maybe that's just how it would work out.

- Sure, ma. - Now, in here's the kitchen.

Oh, I beg your pardon for butting in.

Henry, here's your future bosses.

This is Mrs. Ryan, Mrs. Taylor.

- You know Miss Ryan. - Hi, Pepi.

This is Mr. Henri Pepi De Bordeaux.

Mr. Who?

[French accent] Henri Pepi De Bordeaux!

- A heathen, huh? - A heathen?

[speaking indistinctly]

[Sarah Jane] Ma, he's a headwaiter.

Yes, he is, Mrs. Ryan,

and the best in the business.

Well, Henri, think you can turn this place into a nightclub?

What kind of place you want,

a high-class clip joint or a dirty dump?

A dirty dump?

Now, we'll go into details later.

Now, how will this do for the kitchen?

It won't do at all!

The first thing we do — we pull out this old stove

and put in three big, new ones.

Then we tear out this whole wall.

[laughing, speaking French]

Very funny, indeed!

Of course, this is beautiful.

We leave that.

[Speaking French]

You see what we do?

We tear the whole business out and put in a new kitchen.

Nobody's gonna push out walls

or touch Miss Minnie's stove or nothing in this kitchen!

Ma, calm down!

Calm down yourself and take this big heathen out of here!

Heathen? You hear that? - Yes, I heard it.

You're perfectly right, Mrs. Ryan.

This kitchen stays exactly as it is.

-But, boss, please — -Exactly as it is!

In here, Mrs. Ryan is queen, do you understand?

I understand, but I don't like it.

- And I don't like you! - Oh, I'm crazy for you!

- Ah! - No, no, no!

That's enough, Henri. Come on.

Thanks very much for dropping in.

All right. Goodbye.

- And boo! - Boo, yourself.

Nice girl.

[shudders]

Pushing out walls —

him and his three new stoves, that big heathen.

I'm sorry Henri got you all excited, Mrs. Ryan.

It's all right, Mr. Grasselli. It wasn't your fault.

Come on, ma. How about Mr. Grasselli's plan?

It's wonderful, and to think

you're doing it for Maggie and me.

What do you say, ma?

Won't say no, and I won't say yes

until I've talked it over with Father McGuffey.

Well, if you think it's all right, father.

If it's a nice place where people can get a bite to eat

and be entertained the way Sarah Jane says,

I don't see any harm in it.

What are you doing, Nora?

I'm lighting 3 "Thanks for a kind deed" candle

for Mr. Grasselli.

I tell you, Father McGuffey,

he's the kindest man that ever lived.

Of all the crazy ideas.

You make this your hideout,

then turn it into a nightclub and invite the whole world in.

Yeah, well, I got to have something to do or I'll go nuts.

I ain't gonna show myself. I'll stay right in this room.

And if I get in a jam, I'll make the kid take the rap.

[Miss Flint] It's Grasselli!

It is.

Oh!

Oh! Ohh!

Oh, dear.

Oh, my.

Ohh!

Oh!

Thanks a lot, doc. I'll see you soon.

I still think you better take my advice

and not overtax your strength, Mr. Grasselli.

Remember, you're not out of the woods yet.

Oh. Mr. Grasselli! I've just got to see you.

If it's about Sarah Jane's costume, talk to her.

Oh, no, it's about you.

Maybe we better go in your room.

Someone might hear.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, yes, I do.

- Hey, what's biting you anyway? - I've got an idea.

- I've got a notion. - Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Hey, Miss Flint, why don't you go downstairs

and finish your knittin'?

♪ I know something ♪

♪ I won't tell ♪

♪ Mum as a nut in a peanut Shell ♪

What's the matter with you?

Uh, don't you think you better close the door?

Nothing doing.

But I know who you really are.

You what?

I found you in The Perfect Detective.

There's lots of pictures of you.

Mostly hats and elbows,

but here's one when you were a little boy in a reform school.

Here, let me see that.

That ain't me. You made a mistake.

Oh, no, I haven't. I know.

Even then, your eyes were cruel and masterful,

Chips Maguire.

I tell you, that ain't me! My name's Grasselli.

Oh, no, it isn't, Chipsy.

You call me that again, and I'll —

Oh, you're wonderful!

- You're nuts! - Oh, no, I'm not.

All my life, nothing has ever happened to me.

Any minute now...

And now I'm under the same roof

with a fugitive from justice.

And to think you're my prisoner —

my very own prisoner.

Oh, I think I'll burst.

I hope you do.

Oh, I know a gangster. [gasps]

Chips, it's all set with the church.

- Yeah? Well, it just came unset. - What's the matter?

Nutsy Flint. She knows who I am.

Oh, how could she?

Why didn't you tell me she reads crime stories?

- Well, I didn't know. - Well, now we both know.

- What are you gonna do? - I'm gettin' out of here.

Oh, Chips, look, you can't do that now.

Maybe I can fix it so she's harmless.

At least you got to give me a chance to go to work on her.

Yeah? How?

I don't know. I'll think of something.

This is an exact duplicate

of one of the most beautiful dresses I ever made

for poor Miss Minnie.

[grunts] Miss Flint, what's the matter with you?

Why are you so excited?

Oh, I am excited. It's about a secret.

- What secret? - Oh, I can't tell.

Still, I'm afraid I'm going to have to.

I'm just bursting.

17".

It's someone that you know. Now, don't ask me who.

Someone right in this house.

Isn't it awful what still goes on in New York?

I see by the paper they've bumped off another squealer.

Oh, really? What's a squealer?

Well, squealing means telling things you know.

- You mean, secrets? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, dear. - Just listen to this.

"Workers on the north river made a gruesome discover today

"when the shovel of a dredge dumped onto the dock

"a barrel containing the body of a man

"who'd been tortured and his body placed in the barrel,

which was then filled with liquid cement."

Oh, that's awful.

"The body was in remarkable state of preservation,

owing to the cement, which shut out all air."

- Isn't that terrible? - Oh, it's horrible.

Oh, that isn't the worst.

"An autopsy showed the victim had been tortured

"Before being killed.

"About the neck, there still remained the wire

with which he had been garroted."

What's garroted?

Death by slow strangulation.

I — I don't feel very well.

I — oh.

I — oh.

Oh, it affects me the same way, too, dear,

but there's worse.

"It is believed that Little Dopey

"talked too much and let slip a clue to the police

"by which a gangster was arrested.

"The body was identified by certain dental work.

"The gold teeth for which Little Dopey was famous

"had been wrenched from his jaws,

probably while he was still alive."

Do you want to see a picture of the barrel?

- No! No! - Where are you going?

I — I don't feel very well.

- I think I'll lie down. - But we haven't finished.

Another time.

Oh. Uh, Chips.

I mean, Mr. Grasselli. Hello.

[footsteps on stairs]

Poor Miss Flint.

Hey, what's the matter with nutsy? What'd you do to her?

I just scared the pants off her.

She won't talk now. You can relax.

[Intro to "The Daughter of Rosie O'Grady" plays]

♪ She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady ♪

♪ A regular old-fashioned girl ♪

♪ She isn't crazy for diamond rings ♪

♪ Silkens and satins and fancy things ♪

♪ She's just a sweet little lady ♪

♪ And when you meet her, you'll see ♪

♪ Why I'm glad I call her the daughter of Rosie O'Grady ♪

Right this way, Mrs. Taylor.

I have a special table reserved for you and your party.

Thank you.

Mrs. Taylor...

Who are all these strange people?

They frighten me.

I guess they let New Yorkers come, Mr. Van Diver.

Miss Minnie won't like them.

It doesn't seem quite the same as it did

when I was making up the story.

Where is Miss Minnie's picture?

I brought you down here, Miss Minnie.

I wouldn't want you to be upstairs,

watching that shindig going on up there.

[speaking French]

Oh, mama! Step on it. We are jammed to the rafters.

- I'll jam your rafters. - You're sweet!

[indistinct arguing]

- Compliments of Mr. Grasselli. - Oh, dear.

I have never tasted Champagne before.

Maybe it'll be good for my nerves.

Oh. Ha.

[knock on door]

Yeah, come in.

How's it going?

Wonderful, sir. Everybody's here.

- That's great. You sure? - So far.

- Keep me posted. - Yes, sir.

I'm going crazy up in this room.

Oh, my friends, make yourself at home.

Mr. Grasselli told me to tell you

everything is on the house.

Oh, pardon.

Garcon! [speaking French]

[laughs] Another bottle of Champagne.

[drunkenly] I think I'll have a teensy-weensy bit more.

Oh, Mrs. Taylor, I'm so nervous I think I'm going crazy.

Every time I leave the house, I'm followed.

Are young men following you again, Miss Flint?

Oh, not young men, but awful rough individuals —

gangsters who want to take me for a ride.

Why in the world should gangsters

want to take you for a ride?

Oh, don't ask me, Mrs. Taylor. Don't ask me.

I — oh — hmm.

Oh, Garcon!

The wine. I guess he forgot.

[applause]

[fanfare plays]

Ladies and gentlemen!

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to the Roaring 903.

We are going to open

our extravagant extravaganza

with those four lady killers...

And snappy songs.

[laughter]

And here they are now!

[applause]

[Intro to "Pretty Baby" plays]

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Dreams of long ago ♪

♪ Everybody loves a baby ♪

♪ That's why I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Pretty baby, pretty baby ♪

♪ Every morning, every evening ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪

♪ Haven't money, gee, but, honey ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪

♪ So say what you will ♪

♪ It's always a thr-i-i-ill ♪

- [laughter] - ♪ In my ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ My memories ♪

[music playing in distance]

Yeah, come in.

Have you seen Tommy?

Say, now, that's a bit of all right.

I said have you seen Tommy?

How could I see anything cooped up in this room?

I can't find him. I've looked all over the house.

- He'll turn up. - I'm not so sure.

He's been acting funny all day.

You ought to be thinking about me tonight

instead of that punk kid.

I've got to have a piano player.

-Boss — -Get out.

No, wait a minute. What is it?

It's the magician. He says he won't go on.

Who, Boldini?

He says they laughed at his last act,

and he won't be laughed at.

Oh, he won't be laughed at, huh?

Chips, you're not going downstairs!

Yeah, I got to fix Boldini. I'll stay out of sight.

But you promised you'd stay up here.

Now, don't worry about me, baby.

I got myself covered both ways from the middle.

[fanfare plays]

[Boldini] I won't go, and I won't be laughed at!

I won't — I won't be laughed at!

Boldini! That's all the act is, is a laugh act.

Now, I know it's hard for a ham to play a ham,

but that's all you are — a broken-down ham magician.

Now, go on out there and do your stuff.

Hate to push the old guy around like that,

but the only time he's funny is when he's mad,

and the madder he is, the funnier he gets.

He should be very funny. He's mad enough.

Go on.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

Poor Mr. Boldini. They're laughing at him again.

And poor Miss Flint.

Ha! Huh!

Don't you think you've had enough, dear?

- Mrs. Taylor, go away. - Oh, my dear.

Drink your own.

Oh!

I can't stand it.

I told you not to drink so much.

You got that barrel and the cement ready?

- And get plenty of wire. - [man] Huh?

Ohh! Ohh! I —

[DoD]

Ohh! I can't stand it! I got to go!

Well, hurry back, or you'll miss Tommy and Sarah Jane.

[mumbling]

Oh. Oh, my. Oh, dear.

Take me to the nearest police station.

[driver] Yes, ma'am.

Handkerchief.

This is a handkerchief.

And...

Sit down, stooge.

Thank you.

[laughter]

[bell ringing]

[applause]

Lock me up. You got to lock me up.

Now, take it easy, lady.

We can't put you in jail if you ain't done nothing.

You got to lock me up! I'm a citizen.

I got a right to be locked up.

Look, lady, we're overcrowded here.

We can't just take in anybody who comes in.

Oh, please, judge, look me up.

He's gonna have me bumped off because I know too much.

He's got the barrel and cement all ready.

[hiccups] Oh, I'm sorry, judge.

Now, just a minute.

I think you had a little bit too much to drink.

A little sleep will fix you up all right.

I'll have Officer Pinkis here take you home,

and you can have a nice little snooze and sleep it off.

You'll feel all right.

All right, lady. All right.

Isn't he sweet?

Oh, not there! Not home!

I can't go home! He's there!

- Who's there? - Grasselli!

He's gonna have my teeth pulled out

and put me in a barrel and stuff me with cement

- and throw me in the river! - Who's "he"?

I can't tell, judge. I can't tell. Don't!

I'm going to produce an enormous bowl of live goldfish...

[laughter]

...out of the very thin air.

Watch closely.

Excuse me just a minute.

[laughter]

Watch closely.

The hands are quicker than the eyes.

[laughter]

I don't know why I'm here, but here I am.

- Where's Miss Flint? - She'll be right back.

Lady, will you please be nice and leave us alone?

We like our hoosegow. It's just like home to us.

Oh, dear. I've told you and told you.

You've got to lock me up!

She's enough to make a fella appreciate his mother-in-law.

Won't you listen to me? Mr. Grasselli is —

Yes, I know. He's gonna put you in a barrel of cement,

and he's gonna drop you in the river.

But there ain't no Mr. Grasselli!

What's going on here, sergeant?

Nothing, Danny. Nothing at all.

Just that this dame here wants us to put her in the clink

because she's got some kind of a bug in the back of her bean

that some gangster by the name of Grasselli is chasing her.

Grasselli, eh? All right, lady, what's he look like?

Oh, like Chips Maguire.

Chips Maguire?

- Did you say Chips Maguire? - No.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

- What's he look like? - Where does he live?

- I don't know! - Where do you live?

- I don't know. - What's your name?

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

[Intro to "Silver Threads Among The Gold" plays]

[applause]

♪ Darling, I am growing old ♪

♪ Silver threads among the gold ♪

♪ Shine upon my brow today ♪

♪ Life is fading fast away ♪

♪ But, my darling, you will be, will be ♪

♪ Always young and fair to me ♪

♪ Yes, my darling ♪

♪ You will be ♪

♪ Always young and fair to — ♪

♪ Flat foot floogie with a floy, floy ♪

♪ Flat foot floogie with a floy, floy ♪

♪ Flat foot floogie with a floy, floy ♪

♪ Floy doy, floy doy, floy doy, floy doy ♪

♪ Floy doy, floy doy, floy doy, floy doy ♪

♪ If you're feeling low-down, don't know what to do ♪

♪ And you want a showdown ♪

♪ Here's the only dance for you ♪

♪ Floy doy, floy doy, floy doy, floy doy ♪

♪ Never order water when you really haven't taught her ♪

♪ 'Cause it hasn't got a thing to do with floogie ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ Oh, you beautiful doll ♪

♪ You great big, beautiful doll ♪

♪ Let me put my arms about you ♪

♪ I could never live without you ♪

♪ Oh, you hobble-skirt doll ♪

♪ You hob, hob, hobble-skirt doll ♪

♪ The lovely ladies used to hop around till bustles... ♪

Hey, where you been?

Your girlfriend's been worrying about you.

Been outside, walking off a case of stage fright.

You better get on back there. You'll be on soon.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we're all filled up.

Enjoying yourself, Maguire?

Oh, hello, Danny.

Didn't you boys see the sign outside —

"Formal dress only"?

Well, where you're going, everybody dresses the same way.

- Come on. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got a personal interest in this show.

I think it's pretty cute.

How's about waiting till it's over?

Why?

Well, when it's over, I might turn up something

that would be very interesting to you boys.

Might help you to find out

that Chips Maguire ain't the guy you want at all.

Yeah, and it might not.

Yeah, that's right. It might not.

What do you got to lose?

Come on, boys. I'll buy you a bottle of wine.

Just ginger ale.

[laughs]

Just ginger ale.

Okay.

Sit down. I think you'll like the show.

[lively music playing]

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy?

- Yes? - Where are you?

Over here.

I've been looking all over the house for you.

Don't you know it's almost time for us to go on?

Yeah, I know.

Well, what are you doing up here?

This is our big night.

This is no time for an argument, Sally.

You name a better one.

Honestly, you make me so mad.

Did you see those two men sitting at Grasselli's table?

What about them?

They're detectives.

When they leave this house, I'll be going with them.

Tommy.

Take a good look at a prize Chump.

When I went to work for Grasselli,

he had a gun registered in my name.

He used that gun in a killing.

But he can't prove anything.

He can, and he will.

Nice story, I bet, for a jury.

"The little boy didn't know what he was doing.

Got mixed up with a gunman just to get his songs published."

I can hear them laughing now.

Tommy, I want to help.

There's nothing you can do.

You've been saying that all your life, and I'm tired of it!

Why don't you just say you don't want me around and never did?

Because it wouldn't be true.

See that penthouse up there —

the one with all the windows and lights?

When I was a kid, I used to come up here and dream about us.

I picked out that penthouse for you and me.

I used to hate the people that lived there

because I felt they were enjoying something

that really belonged to you.

Why'd you wait so long to tell me?

I didn't think you'd like it,

seeing as I went with it.

Tommy, will you do me a favor?

Yeah.

Will you throw out the penthouse and the windows

and all the lights and everything

except you and me, and I'll buy your dream?

No.

Doesn't belong to me anymore.

When I go downstairs, it'll all be over.

My mother will have lived to see

one of her stories work out to a wrong ending,

with villains and weaklings.

Boy doesn't get girl.

Tommy, there's still time. You can get away.

No. I started to run away.

Now I've thought it all out.

I've been running away from myself for five years,

hiding in corners so people wouldn't see me as I really was.

Now I'm through.

When Grasselli puts the finger on me, I'll be right here.

Now, you go on downstairs and put over your song.

Knock 'em dead.

I've got a blind date with a mess of trouble,

and I'm keeping it alone.

- We're keeping it together. - Oh, no, we're not.

Look, Tommy, a minute ago,

you called yourself a prize chump.

I'll go you one better.

Up till now, we've both been failures,

but we can do one thing.

We can go downstairs and do our best

for ma and Mrs. Taylor and all the rest.

Why, for the first time in our lives, it's waiting for us —

the stage, the audience, the spotlight.

Oh, let's do it, Tommy. Let's play some music for once.

And good or bad, I'll love it, because it's your music.

[sobs]

Sally.

Okay, Sally.

Let's go.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I take great pleasure

in presenting the stars of our show...

- Sally. - Yes, darling?

Knock 'em dead.

... Ryan and Taylor.

[applause]

["Angel in Disguise" plays]

♪ You're just an angel in disguise ♪

♪ Who wandered down from up above ♪

♪ You're just a heavenly surprise ♪

♪ Who came to earth for me to love ♪

♪ This introduction to an angel ♪

♪ Is more than thrilling ♪

♪ It leaves me shy ♪

♪ But in as much as you're an angel ♪

♪ I'm more than willing to teach my timid heart to fly ♪

♪ I simply don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm not accustomed to these things ♪

♪ Perhaps the smartest thing to do ♪

♪ Is take the scissors to your wings ♪

♪ Then I'll be sure you're mine forever ♪

♪ And you can never return afar ♪

♪ Do-do-do, do-do ♪

♪ I'll have an angel in disguise ♪

♪ Forever in my arms to love ♪

♪ This introduction to an angel ♪

♪ Is more than thrilling ♪

♪ It leaves us shy ♪

♪ But in as much as you're an angel ♪

♪ Would you be willing to teach a timid heart to fly? ♪

♪ I simply don't know what to do I ♪

♪ Don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm not accustomed to these things ♪

♪ Not accustomed to these things ♪

♪ Perhaps the smartest thing to do ♪

♪ Perhaps the smartest thing to do ♪

♪ Is take the scissors to your wings ♪

♪ Take the scissors to your wings ♪

♪ Then I'll be sure you're mine forever ♪

♪ And you can never return afar ♪

♪ Never return ♪

♪ I'll have an angel in disguise ♪

♪ Forever in my arms to love ♪

♪ You're an angel ♪

♪ In disguise ♪

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentleman,

I'm now going to sing a few old-fashioned songs.

So please join in. Let's all have some fun.

Everybody sing!

[intro plays]

♪ Oh, Mr. Dooley, oh, Mr. Dooley ♪

♪ The greatest man the country ever knew ♪

♪ He's diplomatic and democratic ♪

♪ Is Mr. Dooley, ooley ooley ooo ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Dooley, oh, Mr. Dooley ♪

♪ The greatest man the country ever knew ♪

♪ He's diplomatic and democratic ♪

♪ Is Mr. Dooley, ooley ooley ooo ♪

♪ Oh, cuddle up a little closer ♪

♪ Lovely mine ♪

♪ Cuddle up and be my little clinging vine ♪

♪ Like to feel your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ Like to make you comfy cozy ♪

♪ 'Cause I love from head to toesy ♪

♪ Lovely mine ♪

♪ Put on your old gray bonnet with the blue ribbon on it ♪

♪ While I hitch old dobbin to the shay ♪

♪ And through the fields of clover ♪

♪ We'll drive up to Dover on our golden wedding day ♪

♪ Pony boy, pony boy, won't you be my tony boy? ♪

♪ Don't say no, here we go, off across the plains ♪

♪ Marry me, carry me, right away with you ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, whoa! ♪

- ♪ la-la la-la ♪ - ♪ My pony boy ♪

♪ She's just a sweet, little lady ♪

♪ And when you meet her, you'll see ♪

♪ Why I'm glad I call her the daughter of Rosie O'Grady ♪

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure is like the mom in spring ♪

♪ In the Hit of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear the angels sing ♪

♪ When Irish hearts are happy ♪

♪ All the world seems bright and gay ♪

♪ And when Irish eyes ♪

♪ Are smiling ♪

♪ Sure, they steal your heart ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

[applause]

We won't have to worry anymore.

Isn't it wonderful?

I don't think Miss Minnie would mind.

I've got a confession to make.

I think if she was here, she'd like it, too.

Maggie.

That kid's all right.

I told you you'd like the show.

Oh, Mr. Grasselli, you've made us all so happy.

Huh?

Well, my story — you've made it all come true.

We won't have to worry about the bank anymore,

and Tommy and Sarah Jane are in love.

Yeah, well, how do you know that?

Didn't you see them?

Couldn't you tell?

Maybe the story ain't ended yet.

Oh, but it is. I'm sure of it.

And it's a happy ending.

If I—

If I try to thank you, I'll cry.

I'm afraid I'm gonna cry anyway.

I'm so happy.

Mr. Grasselli, you've been so very, very kind.

Hey, what are you doing?

All right, Chips, show's over.

What?

Yeah, sure.

How's about that stuff you were gonna show up?

Oh.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Come on with me.

What is that you were going to tell us, Chips?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Say, uh —

give me a chance to talk to these kids, will you?

All right, go ahead. But don't start anything funny.

Well, Tommy.

All right, Chips.

- You all set, huh? - Yes, both of us.

You might as well know that I gave you

the come-on all the time to play you for a break

for Tommy and me. We're going to be married,

so you'll have the satisfaction of knowing

anything you do to him, you do to me, too.

Quite a change in you two, ain't there?

Maybe.

Let's get this over with.

Yes, sir, I wouldn't know you for the same guy, Tommy.

Personally, you got my sympathies.

I wouldn't give you two bits for all the redheads in the world.

Let you know that marriage is a pretty tough thing.

I wouldn't change sentences with you

for all the tea in China.

What are you driving at?

I'm gonna take the rap.

Tommy!

Hey, you don't have to shed no tears over me.

You're the one that's getting married.

See, Tommy, the way I figure it,

I ought to have about 125 years to do for the rackets,

so why should I worry about 30 or 40 more?

Chips, are you sure you're not doing this

because you went soft for ma and Mrs. Taylor?

What, those old hens?

Hey, listen, I once made a crack that I hate mothers.

That crack still goes.

[detective] What do you say, Chips?

Well, uh, goodbye, Tommy.

Don't let nobody ever come between you and a girlfriend.

Goodbye, Sal.

- Okay boys. - Chips!

If I ever get out of the clink, I'll call you up, baby.

Come on, Chips. Come on. What about that new evidence?

Oh, yeah, that. Well, I changed my mind.

I ain't talking till I see my lawyer.

I'm gonna stand on my constitutional rights.

So long, kids.

[instrumental music plays]