All language subtitles for [Jc_zlInukSA].en

Welcome to the daily show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the daily show. MY NAME IS
JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
Later on, we're going to be joined by

Later on, we're going to be joined by

Later on, we're going to be joined by
the president of the United Nations

the president of the United Nations

the president of the United Nations
General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will

General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will

General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will
be joining us. SHE'S PRESIDENT

and uh we will talk about how nobody

and uh we will talk about how nobody
knew that the United Nations General

knew that the United Nations General

knew that the United Nations General
Assembly had a president. I did not know

Assembly had a president. I did not know

Assembly had a president. I did not know
that.

that.

that.
Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to

Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to

Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to
start the program tonight in a slightly

start the program tonight in a slightly

start the program tonight in a slightly
different place. Um I want to give

different place. Um I want to give

different place. Um I want to give
credit where where credit is due. We

credit where where credit is due. We

credit where where credit is due. We
don't obviously often do this. Uh the

don't obviously often do this. Uh the

don't obviously often do this. Uh the
president did a solid over the weekend.

president did a solid over the weekend.

president did a solid over the weekend.
President Trump signed an executive

President Trump signed an executive

President Trump signed an executive
order in front of his fraternity

order in front of his fraternity

order in front of his fraternity
brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process

brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process

brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process
for novel psychedelic drug treatments

for novel psychedelic drug treatments

for novel psychedelic drug treatments
for veterans suffering from all forms of

for veterans suffering from all forms of

for veterans suffering from all forms of
PTSD and other psychiatric conditions,

PTSD and other psychiatric conditions,

PTSD and other psychiatric conditions,
including addiction. I'll you know I'm

including addiction. I'll you know I'm

including addiction. I'll you know I'm
sorry I'll let the president explain off

sorry I'll let the president explain off

sorry I'll let the president explain off
the cuff as he does

the cuff as he does

the cuff as he does
>> in 2024 study from Stanford University

>> in 2024 study from Stanford University

>> in 2024 study from Stanford University
30 special operation veterans with

30 special operation veterans with

30 special operation veterans with
traumatic brain injuries underwent it's

traumatic brain injuries underwent it's

traumatic brain injuries underwent it's
called I boain treatment I bo the name

called I boain treatment I bo the name

called I boain treatment I bo the name
is that pronounced relatively properly

is that pronounced relatively properly

is that pronounced relatively properly
would you say yes

would you say yes

would you say yes
>> I don't want to get it wrong I bo

Body body ibo gain ibo gain ro gane with

Body body ibo gain ibo gain ro gane with
an ibo. It's easy.

an ibo. It's easy.

an ibo. It's easy.
By the way, they gave you the easiest

By the way, they gave you the easiest

By the way, they gave you the easiest
hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could

hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could

hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could
have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin,

have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin,

have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin,
but they gave you eyeball gain. But even

but they gave you eyeball gain. But even

but they gave you eyeball gain. But even
when they dumbed the down for him,

when they dumbed the down for him,

when they dumbed the down for him,
it's a problem.

it's a problem.

it's a problem.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
falling into old habits. It's good. You

falling into old habits. It's good. You

falling into old habits. It's good. You
did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I

did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I

did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I
apologize.

apologize.

apologize.
A lot of the people are going to get the

A lot of the people are going to get the

A lot of the people are going to get the
help they need.

help they need.

help they need.
>> I bo because it's so important and

>> I bo because it's so important and

>> I bo because it's so important and
experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in

experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in

experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in
symptoms of depression and anxiety

symptoms of depression and anxiety

symptoms of depression and anxiety
within one month. Can I have some

within one month. Can I have some

within one month. Can I have some
please? I'll take

Oh my god,

Oh my god,
he's depressed,

he's depressed,

he's depressed,
too.

too.

too.
Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump

Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump

Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump
won't be president forever.

won't be president forever.

won't be president forever.
But I have to say there are little

But I have to say there are little

But I have to say there are little
moments in these Oval Office gatherings

moments in these Oval Office gatherings

moments in these Oval Office gatherings
that are somewhat revoly of the

that are somewhat revoly of the

that are somewhat revoly of the
president's psyche and really a good

president's psyche and really a good

president's psyche and really a good
starting place for any accredited mental

starting place for any accredited mental

starting place for any accredited mental
health professional.

health professional.

health professional.
>> I don't have time to be depressed. You

>> I don't have time to be depressed. You

>> I don't have time to be depressed. You
know, if you stay busy enough, maybe

know, if you stay busy enough, maybe

know, if you stay busy enough, maybe
that works, too. That's what I do.

>> YOU CAN'T GET DEPRESSED IF YOU STAY

>> YOU CAN'T GET DEPRESSED IF YOU STAY
BUSY. It's a little thing called

BUSY. It's a little thing called

BUSY. It's a little thing called
outrunning the darkness.

You can't be depressed if the sadness

You can't be depressed if the sadness
can't catch you.

And to be frank, I DON'T THINK DONALD

And to be frank, I DON'T THINK DONALD
TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with

TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with

TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with
hallucinogenics anyway.

hallucinogenics anyway.

hallucinogenics anyway.
But if he did, would we even notice?

But if he did, would we even notice?

But if he did, would we even notice?
If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be

If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be

If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be
like, "THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS

RIGHT RIGHT NEAR MY BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM."

RIGHT RIGHT NEAR MY BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM."
BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW I'M JESUS?

The The poor fell in the bed is still

The The poor fell in the bed is still
sick.

really freaks me out every time I look

really freaks me out every time I look
at that picture.

at that picture.

at that picture.
>> All right. You know what, though? Maybe

>> All right. You know what, though? Maybe

>> All right. You know what, though? Maybe
Trump's already taken them given how

Trump's already taken them given how

Trump's already taken them given how
intensely he focused on the signing of

intensely he focused on the signing of

intensely he focused on the signing of
this bill. I mean, he signed the

this bill. I mean, he signed the

this bill. I mean, he signed the
out of this bill.

That's a good one. I want to get

That's a good one. I want to get
that joke. You think Biden can do that?

that joke. You think Biden can do that?

that joke. You think Biden can do that?
He can.

>> Hey man, you ever really looked at your

>> Hey man, you ever really looked at your
signature on weed?

Look,

Look,
I do I I think it's a good thing what he

I do I I think it's a good thing what he

I do I I think it's a good thing what he
did. I swear to God, it's a good thing

did. I swear to God, it's a good thing

did. I swear to God, it's a good thing
what he did. And this is not political.

what he did. And this is not political.

what he did. And this is not political.
I don't mean this as political, but

I don't mean this as political, but

I don't mean this as political, but
it was weird as the way he signed

it was weird as the way he signed

it was weird as the way he signed
that.

that.

that.
It was like, it was weird as Like,

It was like, it was weird as Like,

It was like, it was weird as Like,
I'm looking at that signature right now.

I'm looking at that signature right now.

I'm looking at that signature right now.
Does that even say DONALD TRUMP?

Does that even say DONALD TRUMP?

Does that even say DONALD TRUMP?
THE LAST name is longer than his first

THE LAST name is longer than his first

THE LAST name is longer than his first
name.

name.

name.
It doesn't look like It looks like it

It doesn't look like It looks like it

It doesn't look like It looks like it
says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It

says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It

says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It
It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU
KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the

KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the

KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the
program. Can we go back to the just play

program. Can we go back to the just play

program. Can we go back to the just play
him writing the last name? I swear to

him writing the last name? I swear to

him writing the last name? I swear to
God, he doesn't write Trump.

That's not traded, right? That's That's

That's not traded, right? That's That's
TOO MANY LETTERS.

TOO MANY LETTERS.

TOO MANY LETTERS.
I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's

I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's

I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's
just adding characters like this IS HIS

just adding characters like this IS HIS

just adding characters like this IS HIS
WI-FI PASSWORD. I

It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would

It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would
make sure this executive order is even

make sure this executive order is even

make sure this executive order is even
legal because it appears to have been

legal because it appears to have been

legal because it appears to have been
signed off by David Hasselhoff. That

signed off by David Hasselhoff. That

signed off by David Hasselhoff. That
says David Hasselhoff.

says David Hasselhoff.

says David Hasselhoff.
But the signing capped off a bit of a

But the signing capped off a bit of a

But the signing capped off a bit of a
winning streak for the president. The

winning streak for the president. The

winning streak for the president. The
biggest news being the Friday

biggest news being the Friday

biggest news being the Friday
announcement of his total victory over

announcement of his total victory over

announcement of his total victory over
Iran.

Iran.

Iran.
>> President Trump marches to victory.

>> President Trump marches to victory.

>> President Trump marches to victory.
>> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed

>> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed

>> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed
to everything."

to everything."

to everything."
>> The announcement really sparked a huge

>> The announcement really sparked a huge

>> The announcement really sparked a huge
surge on Wall Street. New record highs

surge on Wall Street. New record highs

surge on Wall Street. New record highs
on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq.

on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq.

on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq.
>> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.

>> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.

>> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.
>> Most of the points are already

>> Most of the points are already

>> Most of the points are already
negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very

negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very

negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very
happy. A great and brilliant day for the

happy. A great and brilliant day for the

happy. A great and brilliant day for the
world.

world.

world.
Wow.

If I may offer you a humble apology,

If I may offer you a humble apology,
I was one of the naysayers

I was one of the naysayers

I was one of the naysayers
who said this president got us into a

who said this president got us into a

who said this president got us into a
war on an impulse. I said this president

war on an impulse. I said this president

war on an impulse. I said this president
didn't have a plan for a coherent exit

didn't have a plan for a coherent exit

didn't have a plan for a coherent exit
strategy. I said this president was

strategy. I said this president was

strategy. I said this president was
cavalier about the damage that this war

cavalier about the damage that this war

cavalier about the damage that this war
of choice would cause. I've said this

of choice would cause. I've said this

of choice would cause. I've said this
president seems to slosh when he moves

president seems to slosh when he moves

president seems to slosh when he moves
because of the Venus

insufficiency like a milk carton when

insufficiency like a milk carton when
you glide we push across the kitchen.

I said all of those things and I would

I said all of those things and I would
like to take back three of those

like to take back three of those

like to take back three of those
statements.

statements.

statements.
He does slash.

He does slash.

He does slash.
But the president's allies knew all

But the president's allies knew all

But the president's allies knew all
along what time it was.

along what time it was.

along what time it was.
>> The president is playing uh is playing

>> The president is playing uh is playing

>> The president is playing uh is playing
chess when the rest of the world is

chess when the rest of the world is

chess when the rest of the world is
playing checkers. That's how he does it.

playing checkers. That's how he does it.

playing checkers. That's how he does it.
I can't believe at the beginning when

I can't believe at the beginning when

I can't believe at the beginning when
the whole thing started that the rest of

the whole thing started that the rest of

the whole thing started that the rest of
the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you

the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you

the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you
playing? Why do you have a horse and a

playing? Why do you have a horse and a

playing? Why do you have a horse and a
castle

castle

castle
and we have the little discs?"

and we have the little discs?"

and we have the little discs?"
What kind of chess were they playing?

What kind of chess were they playing?

What kind of chess were they playing?
>> He's playing three-dimensional chess.

>> He's playing three-dimensional chess.

>> He's playing three-dimensional chess.
fourdimensional chess

fourdimensional chess

fourdimensional chess
>> playing 5D chess.

That's the chess where the seats move

That's the chess where the seats move
and they spray water at you.

Analyst Dean Kaine, could you expand on

Analyst Dean Kaine, could you expand on
that? President Trump is playing 5D

that? President Trump is playing 5D

that? President Trump is playing 5D
chess. The dominoes are slowly just

chess. The dominoes are slowly just

chess. The dominoes are slowly just
falling and toppling.

What game is he playing? Is it

What game is he playing? Is it
He's playing chess and then the

He's playing chess and then the

He's playing chess and then the
dominoes. He's at checkers ordering

dominoes. He's at checkers ordering

dominoes. He's at checkers ordering
Dominoes. The point is

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.
And while the world played Jenga, Donald

And while the world played Jenga, Donald

And while the world played Jenga, Donald
Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos.

Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos.

Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos.
Whatever the analogy is,

Whatever the analogy is,

Whatever the analogy is,
because of Trump's brilliant

because of Trump's brilliant

because of Trump's brilliant
interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically

interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically

interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically
got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran

got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran

got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran
has removed or is removing all of the

has removed or is removing all of the

has removed or is removing all of the
sea mines. No money will exchange hands

sea mines. No money will exchange hands

sea mines. No money will exchange hands
in any way, shape, or form. They will

in any way, shape, or form. They will

in any way, shape, or form. They will
never have

never have

never have
a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all

a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all

a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all
nuclear dust. The nuclear dust.

nuclear dust. The nuclear dust.

nuclear dust. The nuclear dust.
Does that mean we also get the nuclear

Does that mean we also get the nuclear

Does that mean we also get the nuclear
dust bunnies?

It's so adorable how they beg for death.

It's so adorable how they beg for death.
But look, the enriched uranium was a

But look, the enriched uranium was a

But look, the enriched uranium was a
huge part of this war. And the fact that

huge part of this war. And the fact that

huge part of this war. And the fact that
Iran has agreed to transfer all of its

Iran has agreed to transfer all of its

Iran has agreed to transfer all of its
enriched uranium to the United States,

enriched uranium to the United States,

enriched uranium to the United States,
it's a win.

it's a win.

it's a win.
>> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's

>> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's

>> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's
enriched uranium is not going to be

enriched uranium is not going to be

enriched uranium is not going to be
transferred anywhere under any

transferred anywhere under any

transferred anywhere under any
circumstances.

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I
thought. All

thought. All

thought. All
right. So, there's still a couple of

right. So, there's still a couple of

right. So, there's still a couple of
fine details to work out on the nuclear

fine details to work out on the nuclear

fine details to work out on the nuclear
aspect, but the truth is we only fought

aspect, but the truth is we only fought

aspect, but the truth is we only fought
this war to get Iran to open the

this war to get Iran to open the

this war to get Iran to open the
straight of Hormuz that they closed when

straight of Hormuz that they closed when

straight of Hormuz that they closed when
we started this war. But

we started this war. But

we started this war. But
let's keep the main thing the main

let's keep the main thing the main

let's keep the main thing the main
thing.

thing.

thing.
>> Iran has just announced that the

>> Iran has just announced that the

>> Iran has just announced that the
straight of Hormuz is fully open and

straight of Hormuz is fully open and

straight of Hormuz is fully open and
ready for business and full passage.

ready for business and full passage.

ready for business and full passage.
Damn,

Damn,

Damn,
that news is IBO game to my ears.

Could Biden have done that?

Could Biden have done that?
No. Because, as I said earlier, the

No. Because, as I said earlier, the

No. Because, as I said earlier, the
straight was already open. But

straight was already open. But

straight was already open. But
you heard it straight from the

you heard it straight from the

you heard it straight from the
president. He declared the straight of

president. He declared the straight of

president. He declared the straight of
Hormuz is open.

Hormuz is open.

Hormuz is open.
>> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz

>> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz

>> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz
closed.

Oh boy. All right. Iran is directly

Oh boy. All right. Iran is directly
contradicting President Trump and he's

contradicting President Trump and he's

contradicting President Trump and he's
not going to like that.

not going to like that.

not going to like that.
>> On Truth Social, he wrote the following.

>> On Truth Social, he wrote the following.

>> On Truth Social, he wrote the following.
The United States is going to knock out

The United States is going to knock out

The United States is going to knock out
every single power plant, every single

every single power plant, every single

every single power plant, every single
bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
>> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE

>> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE

>> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE
MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to

MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to

MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to
Senior War crime.

Pew pew.

Pew pew.
It's all right. It's all right.

The audience seems to be split between

The audience seems to be split between
old people and younger people. I think

old people and younger people. I think

old people and younger people. I think
that's very clear what's happening here.

See

See
Now, you might be thinking to yourself,

Now, you might be thinking to yourself,

Now, you might be thinking to yourself,
how did this happen? How did the

how did this happen? How did the

how did this happen? How did the
certainty of total resolution that Trump

certainty of total resolution that Trump

certainty of total resolution that Trump
announced morph into the uncertainty of

announced morph into the uncertainty of

announced morph into the uncertainty of
total annihilation that Trump announced

total annihilation that Trump announced

total annihilation that Trump announced
in less time than it took Carol G to own

in less time than it took Carol G to own

in less time than it took Carol G to own
Coachella?

Hey,

Hey,
who wants an EDIBLE

See, what the naysayers don't understand

See, what the naysayers don't understand
about Trump is that what appears to the

about Trump is that what appears to the

about Trump is that what appears to the
outside observer as chaos is actually

outside observer as chaos is actually

outside observer as chaos is actually
the 5D focused strategims of a master

the 5D focused strategims of a master

the 5D focused strategims of a master
negotiator. This is the art of the deal.

negotiator. This is the art of the deal.

negotiator. This is the art of the deal.
You know,

You know,

You know,
we never got to see Henry Ford assemble

we never got to see Henry Ford assemble

we never got to see Henry Ford assemble
a car or Thomas Edison put the first

a car or Thomas Edison put the first

a car or Thomas Edison put the first
filament into a light bulb or Malcolm

filament into a light bulb or Malcolm

filament into a light bulb or Malcolm
only fans reveal his barefoot in the

only fans reveal his barefoot in the

only fans reveal his barefoot in the
town square.

town square.

town square.
But thanks to God, the Iran war has

But thanks to God, the Iran war has

But thanks to God, the Iran war has
given us all an opportunity. This is

given us all an opportunity. This is

given us all an opportunity. This is
history. To witness in real time, Donald

history. To witness in real time, Donald

history. To witness in real time, Donald
Trump applied the sacred principles of

Trump applied the sacred principles of

Trump applied the sacred principles of
the art of the deal.

the art of the deal.

the art of the deal.
Let's begin just a few weeks back when

Let's begin just a few weeks back when

Let's begin just a few weeks back when
Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB

Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB

Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB
launched fierce military strikes on Iran

launched fierce military strikes on Iran

launched fierce military strikes on Iran
in the middle of a negotiation, setting

in the middle of a negotiation, setting

in the middle of a negotiation, setting
the stage for art of the deal. Step one,

the stage for art of the deal. Step one,

the stage for art of the deal. Step one,
state your demands. The president

state your demands. The president

state your demands. The president
declaring in a truth social post there

declaring in a truth social post there

declaring in a truth social post there
will be no deal with Iran except

will be no deal with Iran except

will be no deal with Iran except
unconditional surrender.

unconditional surrender.

unconditional surrender.
>> It's where they cry uncle or when they

>> It's where they cry uncle or when they

>> It's where they cry uncle or when they
can't fight any long longer and there's

can't fight any long longer and there's

can't fight any long longer and there's
nobody around to cry uncle.

nobody around to cry uncle.

nobody around to cry uncle.
>> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the

>> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the

>> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the
president may be confusing war with

president may be confusing war with

president may be confusing war with
tickle fighting. what the point is

tickle fighting. what the point is

tickle fighting. what the point is
saying.

I remember when Lee cried uncle at

I remember when Lee cried uncle at
appamatics.

But you always start every negotiation

But you always start every negotiation
by demanding everything which sets you

by demanding everything which sets you

by demanding everything which sets you
up for step two art of the deal. The

up for step two art of the deal. The

up for step two art of the deal. The
consequences of not exceeding to step

consequences of not exceeding to step

consequences of not exceeding to step
one.

one.

one.
>> We are going to hit them extremely hard

>> We are going to hit them extremely hard

>> We are going to hit them extremely hard
over the next two to three weeks. We're

over the next two to three weeks. We're

over the next two to three weeks. We're
going to bring them back to the stone

going to bring them back to the stone

going to bring them back to the stone
ages where they belong.

ages where they belong.

ages where they belong.
Yaba daba

Yaba daba

Yaba daba
total surrender or total destruction

total surrender or total destruction

total surrender or total destruction
game set and I'm sorry

game set and I'm sorry

game set and I'm sorry
>> Iran has shut down the straight of

>> Iran has shut down the straight of

>> Iran has shut down the straight of
hormuz

hormuz

hormuz
counter move

counter move

counter move
shutting down the straight of hormuz

shutting down the straight of hormuz

shutting down the straight of hormuz
well crime river

what's that going to do

what's that going to do
>> the closure of the straight of hermuz

>> the closure of the straight of hermuz

>> the closure of the straight of hermuz
causing chaos to the global economy

causing chaos to the global economy

causing chaos to the global economy
>> disrupting the global supply chain

>> disrupting the global supply chain

>> disrupting the global supply chain
causing gas and food prices to surge,

causing gas and food prices to surge,

causing gas and food prices to surge,
>> skyrocketing jet fuel costs,

>> skyrocketing jet fuel costs,

>> skyrocketing jet fuel costs,
>> sending fertilizer prices soaring,

>> sending fertilizer prices soaring,

>> sending fertilizer prices soaring,
>> a global economic downturn that could

>> a global economic downturn that could

>> a global economic downturn that could
ignite mass famine.

All right. You want to GO AROUND? YOU

All right. You want to GO AROUND? YOU
WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that

WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that

WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that
might unbalance your run-of-the-mill

might unbalance your run-of-the-mill

might unbalance your run-of-the-mill
dealmaker, but the master has already

dealmaker, but the master has already

dealmaker, but the master has already
prepared a step three.

prepared a step three.

prepared a step three.
>> The president wrote, "Open the

>> The president wrote, "Open the

>> The president wrote, "Open the
straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll

straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll

straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll
be living in hell.

That's right. The art OF THE DEAL, STEP

That's right. The art OF THE DEAL, STEP
THREE, is basically steps one and two,

THREE, is basically steps one and two,

THREE, is basically steps one and two,
but with cursing.

but with cursing.

but with cursing.
>> Your move, Iran.

>> Your move, Iran.

>> Your move, Iran.
>> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is

>> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is

>> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is
still closed.

I see what you did there. Your move is

I see what you did there. Your move is
no move.

no move.

no move.
>> Which brings us to step four.

>> Which brings us to step four.

>> Which brings us to step four.
>> Iran has agreed to open the straight of

>> Iran has agreed to open the straight of

>> Iran has agreed to open the straight of
her moose.

her moose.

her moose.
>> Boom, MOTHER.

Step four. Art of the deal. Just say

Step four. Art of the deal. Just say
it's open.

WHO'S GOING TO CHECK? OH, HONESTLY,

WHO'S GOING TO CHECK? OH, HONESTLY,
WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO

WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO

WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO
who's going to check if it's actually

who's going to check if it's actually

who's going to check if it's actually
over? Even if you have a boat, what are

over? Even if you have a boat, what are

over? Even if you have a boat, what are
you going to do? You going to drive all

you going to do? You going to drive all

you going to do? You going to drive all
the way there? What are you going to go?

the way there? What are you going to go?

the way there? What are you going to go?
You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht

You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht

You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht
and regata club. Get the out of

and regata club. Get the out of

and regata club. Get the out of
here. You didn't even know what the

here. You didn't even know what the

here. You didn't even know what the
straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now

straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now

straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now
you're a expert on the straight

you're a expert on the straight

you're a expert on the straight
of Hormuz.

of Hormuz.

of Hormuz.
As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S

As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S

As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S
OPEN.

OPEN.

OPEN.
NOW, the next part's tricky because at

NOW, the next part's tricky because at

NOW, the next part's tricky because at
some point, even though you stated very

some point, even though you stated very

some point, even though you stated very
clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is

clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is

clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is
open, people are going to realize it's

open, people are going to realize it's

open, people are going to realize it's
not open.

not open.

not open.
They're still not getting food or fuel,

They're still not getting food or fuel,

They're still not getting food or fuel,
which is fine because this is where the

which is fine because this is where the

which is fine because this is where the
art of the deal, where the

art of the deal, where the

art of the deal, where the
fourthdimensional chess comes into play.

fourthdimensional chess comes into play.

fourthdimensional chess comes into play.
Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump
saying the US Navy will start blockading

saying the US Navy will start blockading

saying the US Navy will start blockading
quote any and all ships trying to enter

quote any and all ships trying to enter

quote any and all ships trying to enter
or leave the Straight of Hormuz.

Hit him WITH THE OLD RAZLEDAZZLE. YOU

Hit him WITH THE OLD RAZLEDAZZLE. YOU
CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP

CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP

CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP
WITH YOU.

NOW, at this point, haters might assume

NOW, at this point, haters might assume
you've been winging it the whole time.

you've been winging it the whole time.

you've been winging it the whole time.
And they might be getting hungry or much

And they might be getting hungry or much

And they might be getting hungry or much
poorer or cold. And they might have

poorer or cold. And they might have

poorer or cold. And they might have
questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even

questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even

questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even
have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal

have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal

have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal
says, "Don't fall for that.

says, "Don't fall for that.

says, "Don't fall for that.
>> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not

>> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not

>> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not
going to tell you what my plan is."

going to tell you what my plan is."

going to tell you what my plan is."
>> I told people like you about that. I

>> I told people like you about that. I

>> I told people like you about that. I
mean, who would answer a question like

mean, who would answer a question like

mean, who would answer a question like
that?

that?

that?
>> Why would I tell you a thing like that?

>> Why would I tell you a thing like that?

>> Why would I tell you a thing like that?
>> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL

>> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL

>> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL
ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE

ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE

ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE
DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings

DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings

DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings
us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person

us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person

us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person
and tell them your plan.

and tell them your plan.

and tell them your plan.
>> I just spoke with the president this

>> I just spoke with the president this

>> I just spoke with the president this
morning. The president said if they do

morning. The president said if they do

morning. The president said if they do
not sign the deal, the US will blow up

not sign the deal, the US will blow up

not sign the deal, the US will blow up
every power plant and more in Iran.

But telling one person your plan, that's

But telling one person your plan, that's
still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D

still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D

still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D
chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke

chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke

chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke
to him on the phone this morning and

to him on the phone this morning and

to him on the phone this morning and
told me several things.

told me several things.

told me several things.
>> President Trump today told me if Iran

>> President Trump today told me if Iran

>> President Trump today told me if Iran
does not sign this deal, the whole

does not sign this deal, the whole

does not sign this deal, the whole
country is going to get blown up.

country is going to get blown up.

country is going to get blown up.
>> In our short phone call, the president

>> In our short phone call, the president

>> In our short phone call, the president
told me the strikes have caused very

told me the strikes have caused very

told me the strikes have caused very
great losses on their leadership. She

great losses on their leadership. She

great losses on their leadership. She
also told me he doesn't think boots on

also told me he doesn't think boots on

also told me he doesn't think boots on
the ground will be necessary.

the ground will be necessary.

the ground will be necessary.
>> He told me that they had agreed to talk.

>> He told me that they had agreed to talk.

>> He told me that they had agreed to talk.
>> I just got off the phone with the

>> I just got off the phone with the

>> I just got off the phone with the
president and um and he called.

You see how bummed out Brett Bear was

You see how bummed out Brett Bear was
that he called him? Yeah. I talked to

that he called him? Yeah. I talked to

that he called him? Yeah. I talked to
the president. He called me. I uh

the president. He called me. I uh

the president. He called me. I uh
had the number blocked, but he got

had the number blocked, but he got

had the number blocked, but he got
So now everybody's on the same page. It

So now everybody's on the same page. It

So now everybody's on the same page. It
seems like you're moving towards a

seems like you're moving towards a

seems like you're moving towards a
resolution in a crisp and linear

resolution in a crisp and linear

resolution in a crisp and linear
fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All

fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All

fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All
that's left to do is send over a

that's left to do is send over a

that's left to do is send over a
highlevel negotiating team

highlevel negotiating team

highlevel negotiating team
to work out the fine print and arrive at

to work out the fine print and arrive at

to work out the fine print and arrive at
an enduring peace. You've got them right

an enduring peace. You've got them right

an enduring peace. You've got them right
where you want them, where you hit them

where you want them, where you hit them

where you want them, where you hit them
with step nine.

with step nine.

with step nine.
Who's talking to what now?

Who's talking to what now?

Who's talking to what now?
>> The president saying he intends to send

>> The president saying he intends to send

>> The president saying he intends to send
Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for

Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for

Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for
a second shot at peace talks today.

a second shot at peace talks today.

a second shot at peace talks today.
>> And an important clarification, I just

>> And an important clarification, I just

>> And an important clarification, I just
got off the phone with President Trump

got off the phone with President Trump

got off the phone with President Trump
yet again. He told me that Vice

yet again. He told me that Vice

yet again. He told me that Vice
President Vance will not be leading the

President Vance will not be leading the

President Vance will not be leading the
US delegation.

US delegation.

US delegation.
>> But then less than two hours later, I

>> But then less than two hours later, I

>> But then less than two hours later, I
was told that Vice President Vance would

was told that Vice President Vance would

was told that Vice President Vance would
again lead this delegation.

Vance on.

Vance on.
Vance on. Vance on.

So, THAT'S WHERE WE'VE ARRIVED AT WITH

So, THAT'S WHERE WE'VE ARRIVED AT WITH
THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A

THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A

THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A
CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and

CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and

CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and
threats and premature declarations of

threats and premature declarations of

threats and premature declarations of
victory that allows the negotiator

victory that allows the negotiator

victory that allows the negotiator
enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY

enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY

enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY
POINT CLAIM that they've achieved

POINT CLAIM that they've achieved

POINT CLAIM that they've achieved
exactly what they've set out to do.

exactly what they've set out to do.

exactly what they've set out to do.
Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal

Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal

Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal
that'll probably be worse than the

that'll probably be worse than the

that'll probably be worse than the
nuclear deal Trump pulled our country

nuclear deal Trump pulled our country

nuclear deal Trump pulled our country
out of with Iran to start a devastating

out of with Iran to start a devastating

out of with Iran to start a devastating
war that has killed thousands of

war that has killed thousands of

war that has killed thousands of
innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers,

innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers,

innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers,
eroded our credibility as the leader of

eroded our credibility as the leader of

eroded our credibility as the leader of
the free world, sabotaged the world

the free world, sabotaged the world

the free world, sabotaged the world
economy, and will cost the American

economy, and will cost the American

economy, and will cost the American
taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS.

taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS.

taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS.
And as that realization

And as that realization

And as that realization
sinks in to a population weary of your

sinks in to a population weary of your

sinks in to a population weary of your
malignant narcissism and impulsivity,

malignant narcissism and impulsivity,

malignant narcissism and impulsivity,
Trump hits him with step 10.

Trump hits him with step 10.

Trump hits him with step 10.
>> Kim's going to be next.

>> That's right, Step 10.

>> That's right, Step 10.
Keep moving to outrun the darkness.