Original subtitles

I think you should know - Darren and Rhiannon have been at it. - Having sex?

- Don't want you getting pregnant, do we? - I'm not. I mean it.

- Are you sure? - I'm positive.

- Let's just call it a goodbye present.

- Why would I expect an IDIOT like you to even understand?

- Get lost.

- SHE SCREAMS

- What happened there?

- Oh, I walked into a wardrobe door.

- What in the name of God are they?

- Virtual babies.

They are supposed to be the best way to teach young people

what it's like to have a real baby to look after.

- VIRTUAL BABY GRIZZLING

- Shut up!

- DOOR SLAMMING

- Sh! Sh! Sh-sh.

(Come on.)

Sh-sh. Come on, let's go in here.

Come on. Don't be scared. - Shut up!

I'm going to come down there

and do some damage in a minute!

- (Sh. You're waking everyone up.)

Good girl.

Come on, Beyonce.

It's time to get up now. It's the morning.

Come on.

Are you awake? Yes, you are, come on. Are you hungry?

Yes. Who's a gorgeous little girl?

- DOLL BREAKS WIND

DOLL BURBLES

- Oh, let's get you out of this and into a clean one, eh?

There we are.

- Who is it? - It's me. Can I come in? - Yeah.

- I can't find my battery charger. Can I borrow yours?

You've got a cool room. Feels kind of...private.

- Yeah, well, it's better than being in there with you lot.

- We're all right really, you know.

You've just got to get to know us a bit better.

- No, thanks.

- You're pathetic, do you know that? - I don't really care.

So why don't you just take that and do one, yeah?

Just leave me alone.

- Tiffany? Everything all right with Justin?

- Same as usual.

- A lot of us aren't at our best first thing in the morning.

- Well, he's never at his best, is he?

- Well, I imagine there's a few families round here

rowing this week,

sleepless nights - the robot doll experiment?

- Well, it will all be worthwhile

if it means fewer teenage pregnancies.

- Guys! I just got a text from Mum.

The doctors are dead pleased with her

and she's hoping we can go for a visit soon.

That's good, isn't it?

- Yeah, it's great. Show it to Justin, it might cheer him up.

- Yeah, don't hold your breath.

- That's good news, isn't it?

- Um, yeah. Olga gets better, goes home

and my two boys go to live with her.

- Sh, Beyonce. It's coming.

It's coming.

- Kept me up half the night, that thing.

I cannot wait until this stupid experiment is over.

- You look like a right muppet dragging it round everywhere.

Talking to it and giving it a name. Beyonce(!)

- Hey, you leave the lass alone.

Looking after a baby is one of the toughest jobs there is.

And Rhiannon seems to be doing a grand job.

- Thanks, Mrs B. I think it's great.

I love everything about it. - Yes, well, it's only day three.

Wait until you've done three weeks, or three months.

- But it's nice having a little person depending on you for EVERYTHING.

Makes you feel good.

- Makes me want to throw up.

I'm offski.

- DOLL GIRNS

Er, plate?

- I think he's gone off me.

- Darren doesn't know

whether he's coming or going at the minute, love.

It's early days after his mother...

And shouldn't you be getting a move on too?

Do you want me to give you a lift?

- No, thanks. I'm going to walk.

It's good for Beyonce, babies need fresh air.

Now, come along, you, off to school.

Oh, there's a good girl, come on.

- # Here we are, no-one else

# We walk to school all by ourselves

# We will rest upon the ground

# And look at all the bugs we found

# I can tell that we are gonna be friends

# I can tell that we are gonna be friends. #

- I've had it up to here with those things.

- Tell me about it! Sent me halfway round the bend last night.

I nearly threw it out the window.

- Why didn't you? I would've.

- Put a pillow over its face instead.

- Darren, wait up.

- Can't you put the hood up or summat?

If anyone sees you with that they'll think you've lost the plot.

- look, I know it's a doll but it's good practice.

- Behave. You're 17!

- What? Everybody wants kids, don't they?

- Well, yeah. Doesn't mean you have to have them.

Not unless you can look after them right anyway.

- Well, I look after Beyonce right.

- Beyonce... Being a single parent sucks, Rhiannon. Look at my mum.

Think that's why she went on the gear - she couldn't hack it.

- But you do want kids though, eventually?

- Maybe. I've got to find the right girl to do it with.

And obviously I'd want to be married first.

And with a good job so I could get the kid what it wants.

- DOLL MEWLS

- Oh, sh!

Obviously the missus can take care of all this...screaming

and puking and dirty nappies.

- You playing dollies now too?

- Oh, no, I wasn't. I dropped my dinner money down there.

Wait up.

- VAUGHAN: - So today we will know

the results from the baby care challenge.

Any lack of care or, heaven forbid, abuse

has been recorded on the babies' internal computer.

Let's hope it's opened their eyes to the reality of parenthood.

I think we can all say it's been a resounding success.

- Teenagers, they don't mind their music blasting out,

when it comes to a screaming baby...

- Half the dolls have been handed back already,

there's only the hardcore left.

- Yeah. Unfortunately that includes Rhiannon Salt.

Seems she's taken to motherhood like a duck to water.

- She turns out to be the natural mother. Typical(!)

- DOLL GIRNS

- Robinson! Got a few hundred quid in your back pocket?

- No, Sir. - Then you can't really afford to break that doll, can you?

Hey, did you see Leo's text from Mum?

She's making great progress. That's good, uh?

- It's good for you. Means you get rid of us and she'll love that.

- If Allie could see the boy I know,

she would be more than happy to have you stay.

- So I'm right? She does want to bin us off.

- Allie just wants things to be peaceful.

- Well, she can want.

- Why are you being like this?

Mum's getting out and we're going to go home. Aren't you glad?

- Of course I am. It's just...

I need more time.

Bit longer and I reckon I can have Dad

and that cow tearing chunks out of each other.

- You can speak to me, you know,

if Darren's doing your head in.

You're my mate.

- I know. I'm sorry for being horrible.

- Are you OK now?

DOLL BURBLING

- I lied. I'm three weeks late.

- Shot off by yourself again this morning.

We've hardly seen you since you got your studio pad.

- I thought that was the idea?

- Sounds like you'll be able to go see your mum soon.

We could maybe get her a little parcel together,

send her in some nice things.

- I doubt she'll want anything from you.

- I was just trying to...

- Yeah, well, she'll be out soon and then Dad'll see the light.

And you can go back to where you belong.

Hanging around the bars in your leather trousers.

- Did the fruit and veg order arrive for my Home Ec class?

- Not yet.

- Are you OK?

- Nothing a Lottery win wouldn't sort.

Trying to make ends meet on a minimum wage.

Say what you like about George, but he was good to me.

You know, I miss him, Mags. And not just the treats -

he really looked after us.

- It was Mr Fitzgerald's new broom did for George.

His face didn't fit any more. I'm worried about myself.

- You're sitting pretty in the schoolhouse though, surely?

- I'm not sure he thinks I'm up to the job, you know.

All this carry on with the kids after lights-out.

- They're teenagers with hormones to burn off.

If anyone can keep them on the right path, it's going to be you.

- Trouble is, he might want somebody with proper qualifications.

I'm worried I might be for the chop.

- We had to wait until 1860 before Joseph Lister...

- What are you going to do?

- I don't know. I'm just sick of him blowing hot and cold.

It's no good if I'm having his baby.

It's got to be true love.

Well, he's got to show some respect at least.

- Do you want me to have a word? Like suss him out?

I'll be dead subtle. Honest.

- ..in fact germs could cause...

- Go on, then. Only keep your gob shut about me being...you know?

- DOLL GRIZZLES

- Even something as natural as childbirth

could prove fatal for a mother.

And before Lister, the mortality rate

was as high as 40%.

- That's nearly half!

- And it still is a problem today in the developing world.

- Can I go outside and see to her, please, Miss?

- All right, on you go, Rhiannon. Don't be too long.

- Off to get her baps out.

- SNIGGERING

- Don't laugh at poor Darren, everybody,

he's very young for his age.

We should feel sorry for him and his silly, immature innuendoes.

Vaughan and I have talked about having another

one of our own, you know?

That's not going to happen any time soon. Not now.

- I'd say you've a big enough brood on your hands as it is.

- Miss, I can't stand it no more.

Take it back! I am done.

- I'll leave you to it.

- Shaznay, come on, surely you can see it through?

- No way. I'm losing my mind. Listen to it!

Seriously - fail me.

- You've not failed, it's not a test.

But a real-life mother couldn't just hand her baby back.

- They can. Put 'em in care.

- It's not like dumping a puppy at Battersea Dogs Home.

- Seriously, if you hand me that back, I will throw it off the roof.

- Well, if as a real-life mother, you ever felt close to neglecting

or even harming your baby you should seek help.

Talk to social services, or a doctor, someone you trust.

- Yeah. That's you, innit?

- OK.

If you're telling me your child is at risk, I'm taking him into care.

- I am NEVER going to be a mother, EVER.

Angelina Jolie might have six. Man, she's mental.

- Well, you might feel differently when you're older.

You'll be more mature, better able to deal with things.

Some women find it comes naturally, others struggle -

they just can't cope.

- Like my mum, you mean?

Cos YOU'RE the expert(!) You're so PERFECT(!)

That's what my dad did to us.

Kicked me and Leo into touch as soon as YOU showed your face.

So stop pretending that you're so down with the kids.

You don't care about them.

And you certainly don't care about us.

- I think it's broken, Miss.

- OK, everybody, just to recap.

Once you've steamed your vegetables,

pop them in the blender and give them a whiz.

It doesn't matter if it's not too smooth,

because a few little lumps will help

that baby develop its chewing muscles.

Good timing, Carol. Nearly out of bananas. Over there.

- Oi! You want to wipe that up, someone might slip.

- Nah, that's just the skins. In cartoons.

- Just wipe it up.

- MOUTHS

- You'll never guess what that Justin Fitzgerald's just did.

Miss!

- DOLL GRIZZLES

- Can we put some tunes at like maximum volume, please?

That baby crying is driving me mad.

- And nothing goes to waste, does it?

Because any leftover puree, you just pop it into a little ice tray,

and you bung it in the freezer.

OK, OK, OK. Which one of you jokers is responsible for this?

Mm? Mm? Oh, yeah.

Enjoy your detention.

- Miss, it's a lot of faffing about, isn't it?

- I never bothered with any of that malarkey when mine were little

and they turned out all right. - Me neither!

- They're making a right mess. - I'll see to it later.

- Miss? - Carol, could you do us a favour and wash them veg for us,

will you? Thanks. What?

MUTED BACKGROUND CONVERSATIONS

- Are you all right, Allie?

- I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this.

Don't get me wrong, mate,

I just think you should be more careful with what you say sometimes.

- Nah, Rhiannon's all right.

She can take a joke, that's why I like her.

- So, you do like her, then?

- Well, yeah. She's a top bird.

- And do you fancy her?

- Not as such, no. She's all right for a sleep-over.

Why are you asking me all this anyway?

Do you want her for yourself or something?

- No, no. I just think you look good together.

- Do you mean me like a beanpole and her like a big blob?!

We look like a number ten.

Nah, she's good to get a grip of, mind.

- So, you do fancy her?

It's just that I think she really likes you.

- Really? I thought she was just after a good time.

- She's bang into you, mate. And she's a great girl.

If you're just after a quickie you should tell her.

It's not fair to keep her just stringing along.

- Lads, less chitchat, more chop chop.

Balls don't bounce themselves, do they?

Yummy mummies, it's time to get those pre-baby bodies back.

- Shouldn't you be getting back?

- Yeah, best had. My burritos will be burnt to a crisp.

- All right, everybody, time to clear up.

Come on, this side of the room first.

- What's wrong with the little jars of baby food anyway?

- I know. They wouldn't give them to babies if it had bad stuff in it.

- This way you know exactly what's going in it

and it's cheap as chips.

- But you need all the gear.

- MUTED BACKGROUND CONVERSATIONS

CLATTERING CAROL SCREAMS

Oh! Carol! Are you all right?

- It's my ankle. I'm in agony.

Help me, Maggie!

- Don't move, don't move. You'll be all right.

- Well, we've bent over backwards for him. That's it. No more.

- There's something else.

The day the boys moved in, I was trying to help Justin and...

- Yeah?

- He slammed a door and it hit me. I'm sure it was just an accident but...

- That was the mark on your face! Why didn't you tell me?

- Because he was already upset, I didn't want to make things worse.

So I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

- Stay here. - Where are you going?

- I'm going to sort this out. Now.

- So, what did Keats mean, when he wrote,

"Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards"? Anybody?

- Excuse me, Mr Lowsley. I'd like Justin to come with me.

- Of course.

In the sixth stanza, Keats rejects his...

- Stop.

Not only do you insult Allie,

I now find out you have been physically violent.

- It was just a stupid doll.

- Not the doll, the door in her face.

I could happily punch you.

- Go on, then. - No, I'm better than you.

Look at me.

Look at me.

If you EVER lay a finger on Allie, or any other woman, ever again,

I will make you wish you had never been born.

Do you understand?

How did I end up with a son like you?

You're vile.

- The feeling's mutual.

- You will apologise to Allie and you will mean every last word.

- You can tell me what to do,

but you can't tell me what to think or how to feel.

- You will apologise to her, or I've had it with you.

Do I make myself clear?

Do I make myself clear?

Go to the cooler.

And stay there for the rest of the day.

Get out of my sight.

- Arrgh! Don't touch it. I think it's broken.

- OK, Maggie did the right thing with the peas

but I think we need to get you to hospital, get this X-rayed.

- What about the kids' dinners?

- Don't you worry about that. I'll cover for you.

- Can somebody call an ambulance?

- No! No ambulances! They give me the heebie-jeebies.

I'll be fine in a taxi.

- I've got a free period next.

How about I take you to A & E in my car?

- No, honestly, a cab will be fine as long as the school pays for it.

- That will cost about 15 quid, Carol,

which is about a dozen jotters for the school.

So, please, let me. Let's get her up.

- All right, thanks.

Careful.

- SHE WINCES AND MOANS

- I think I'm going to pass out.

All right.

- CAROL WINCES AND GROANS

- What about my job? I can't work if I'm laid up.

Agh!

I'm going to sue the backside off this school.

- Let me tell you straight, Carol, the school doesn't have any money,

so you can sue all you like.

- You've a duty of care, though, haven't you?

Argh! - Oh, sorry.

- Agh...

Oh...

- Apparently he just completely lost it - well nasty.

Your mum was proper upset, you know.

- That's it. I'm going to find him, and I'm going to kill him.

- Just leave it. That's what he wants.

Come on, let's go find Mum.

- All right?

- Yeah. What were you saying to Harley earlier?

- Nowt. Nothing. Just...

Listen, what you doing at dinner?

Fancy going for a burger? My treat.

- Yeah, sounds good.

- DOLL GRIZZLES

- Can't you just lodge that doll?

- Oh, sh!

- I'm so sorry, Mr Fitzgerald.

I feel to blame but the kids were making such a mess.

- Yes, yes.

- No excuse, is it? I should have been on top of it.

- Accidents are one thing, avoidable hazards are another.

- Carol Barry can smell pay dirt a mile off. It's in her blood.

Say goodbye to a few grand.

- Let's just wait and see what the hospital has to say, shall we?

- Maybe it's just a sprain?

- Well, as you can see, I'm absolutely fine.

I suppose the whole school knows about it?

- Pretty much.

- Mum, he's treating us like we're a piece dirt on his shoe.

- Well, let's not let Justin spoil our day.

- No, just our lives. How come Leo's OK with the whole thing

and he's younger than Justin?

- There's no right or wrong way

to react to your parents' marriage breaking down.

I'm just glad you two are so supportive.

Come on, let's get to class.

- It's just one thing after another.

And all of them are black marks against me in Mr Fitzgerald's book.

- I'm sure you're mistaken.

- It's a new era, Audrey, I think I'm a bit too old school.

- Well, you're a traditionalist and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm sure Mr Fitzgerald appreciates the value of a broad church.

We can't all be Simon Lowsleys.

- You know, this job is EVERYTHING to me, especially since Grantly died.

- And you've risen to the challenge magnificently.

- The kids are family, and if I lose the schoolhouse I lose them -

and I've got nothing.

- I'm sure it won't come to that.

But remember, there will always be

a room for you with Christy, Mitsy and me.

- Thanks!

Mm...

FILM: 'Many women are anxious about the possibility of requiring

'the need for forceps or ventouse to deliver their baby.

'This is largely because of the fear of the unknown...'

- No-one seen Alien? It's a classic!

- SQUEALS

SPLURTS

- Darren, watch the film, please.

- DOLL GIRNS

- Sorry, Miss.

Ugh! How's that going to get out of there?

- Same way you did, Darren. Head first.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

- What about gas and air, Miss?

- Well, it certainly helps,

but it's still the most painful thing a woman'll ever go through.

No man's ever suffered anything like it.

It's worth every minute though.

The bones of the pelvis actually move apart

to allow the baby down the birth canal.

- Ew. That's sick.

- And I thought you were a man of the world, Darren?

- He thinks they come out of your belly-button, Miss!

- Miss, could you tell you were pregnant, before you found out?

Or was it a shock?

- Well, the first time, I didn't recognise the signs.

- That must've been a shock for your husband, then.

- It's definitely important to have the right support.

- Well, what if you're a single parent?

- Well, I've been a single parent.

And I'm not going to lie to you, it's tough.

It's the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with.

There's nothing worse than feeling like you're all on your own.

- BELL RINGS

Right. You may go.

Not you, Justin.

Mr Fitzgerald gave strict instructions - you're to remain here.

- So now he's trying to starve me into submission(!)

- He will be in there for the rest of term unless he sorts himself out.

- He's not allowed out for lunch? - He doesn't deserve any.

- You can't leave him in there all day without food.

Tiffany, would you do us a favour?

Would you take Justin a sandwich in the cooler, please?

- After what he's done? - Hey!

It was me on the receiving end, not you. Please?

- OK. I'll do it. - Thanks, love.

- Thanks, Tiff. Cheese and pickle'd be good.

And if he EVER does anything like that again,

you have to tell me. His feet won't touch the ground.

- Girls, please will you look after Beyonce over lunch?

Darren's taking me out.

- It's going to cost you.

- Well, how much?

- How much you got?

- Like three quid?

- Are you having a laugh?

You'd have to pay me a million pounds

to deal with one of those baby things again.

- Thanks for nothing.

Come on. Sh. Now, come on.

There we go. In you go. There we go.

Sh...

Please, please, please be good for me.

- The guy watching it looked more scared than her. I would be.

See yous later.

Good to go then? - Yeah. - Where's Beyonce

- Shaznay's minding her for me. - Wahey! Come on, then, I'm starving

- Darren...

..if I ended up preggers, you would stand by me, wouldn't you?

- Yeah, sure, no problem.

But you're not. Thank God.

- So, where you taking me?

- I've got a little treat for you.

Community Caf.

- SHE SIGHS

DOLLS BURBLE

- When are you two going to get cracking making little ones?

- Oh, I don't think it's part of Simon's five-year plan.

- Mm. Too busy climbing the greasy pole, eh?

I can't wait to have kids.

- What? You?!

- Sure. The more the merrier. Well, a five-a-side football team at least.

It's about time I settled down.

- Oh, come off it.

- I'm serious, I'd love to have a family.

Someone to share things with.

Better get a move on though.

Not many like you about is there?

- Hey, people! Nearly the weekend.

What have you got planned then, mate? Are you off out on the pull again?

- You really shouldn't believe all the hype, Simon.

I stopped living up to my own publicity a long time ago.

- Who's rattled his cage?

- That doll is going back at the end of today, innit?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- Look, I know it sounds mad but I'm going to proper miss her tonight.

My arms feel sort of empty even now.

- Don't you worry about that.

- MUFFLED BURBLING

- What's that noise?

- DOLL GRIZZLES

- What noise?

Look, there's something I need to talk to you about.

- What was that?

- A pregnancy test.

- You're not, are you?

- I'm not sure. I keep wimping out of doing the test.

But now you're here.

- DOLL GRIZZLING

- So, you're saying you might be?

- Pregnant, yeah. And if I am it's yours.

- KNOCKING

Miss, Justin's lunch.

- Oh, good.

- Thanks.

- I heard what you said to my mum.

- Oh, give me a break(!)

- It was her who told me to bring you that.

Your dad was going to let you starve.

If you're trying to make us all hate you, it's working.

The whole school thinks you're a jerk.

- You must be having a laugh. Is this some sort of joke?

We was careful. - Not always.

You said you'd be there for me. Stand by me. You did!

- Yeah, I meant get it sorted, get rid of it!

- DOLL GRIZZLES

- Can you not shut that thing up?!

You can have mine. I'm not even hungry now.

- Darren, wait!

Shut up, you stupid doll!

Just shut it! Shut it...

- LOW BUZZING TONE

SHE SOBS

- It will get easier with the kids.

- You think so?

- TABLET BEEPS

- Good grief! Look at this.

It's telling me Rhiannon's shaken her baby.

- Well, I probably shouldn't say this but that's fantastic.

- If that had been a real baby she'd have broken its neck.

Seriously - look.

Rhiannon was shaping up to be my star mum.

- Oh-ho. Yo! Where's Rhiannon?

- Don't know. Don't care.

- What's happened? Have you had a row?

- Sort of, yeah.

She thinks she's pregnant. And I'm the dad.

You knew, didn't you?!

So, that's what all that was about before -

"Yous look good together." Oh, cheers, mate.

- I was just trying to get you two talking.

- My head's done in. Me and her with a baby?

What am I going to do?

- BELL RINGS

- Rhiannon? Excuse me. Is everything all right?

- I'm fine, Miss.

- What happened to your baby? - It's not a baby. It's a DOLL.

- OK, it's just that the computer said...

- What did the computer say? - ..that you shook it. Quite badly.

Enough to cause brain damage.

- The computer knows nothing. I tripped and fell, all right?

- Carol! You're back! Oh, let me help you.

Oh, are you all right?

- Thanks, Sonya.

- Oh...

you don't half look pale. Does it hurt?

What did the hospital say?

- SHE GROANS

- Carol?

I didn't expect to see you back here.

- I'll go get you a cup of tea.

- I'd rather have a brandy, Sonya. - I'll bet.

- All right, Christine? - You were very quick.

- Oh, yeah, it was a slow morning. Thank you.

- So...what's the verdict?

- They X-rayed it and, er, it's a fractured tibia.

- They recommend you take 12 WEEKS off sick?

- It's broke in two places. You can't rush these things.

- The image of a woman holding a baby is one of the most popular in art.

Can anyone tell me why?

- Well, cos babies are cute?

- Huh...

No, Floyd.

- Did you do that test?

- Not yet. But say it is positive, would it be THAT bad?

Me, you, a baby? We could get a flat together.

- (You're off your head. How can I be a dad?

(I've just lost my mum.)

- ..back then, artists needed patrons to survive,

rich people who'd commission their work.

Which organisation has always been rich

throughout every period of history...?

- You're on your own, so am I. We could be like a little family.

- You planned this, didn't you? (You just wanted to trap me.)

- I didn't.

Just think - a tiny baby.

We could call it Sammy after your mum - boy or girl.

- You must be mad!

(You're TOTALLY doing my head in!

(I wouldn't have a baby with you if you was the last bird on Earth!)

- Just carry on, everyone.

- Thanks, Sonya.

Painkillers - full strength.

I'm crippled.

I just want to get home and go to bed.

They wanted to keep me in but I was worried about our Kacey.

I've got to go back, in two weeks.

- I'm sure Dr, um... - Patel.

- ..Dr Patel, yes, I'm sure he knows best.

- It's good to see you're still smiling, Carol.

- Right, well, I suppose we should get down to business.

- Ah, yes. The compensation claim, I presume?

- Fair's fair, it was the school's fault -

Maggie admitted as much.

You know, I slipped on a bit of food that was just left lying about.

It's basic health and safety.

And I'm sure environmental health

would be interested to hear about this.

- Carol, the school can't afford a claim like this.

- Look, I don't want to sue but times are hard and money's money.

I have been through hell with this,

not to mention the emotional and mental stress.

- Yeah, you see, you don't sound mentally stressed.

- Look, I'm willing to come to some sort of arrangement -

outside of the courts.

- What kind of arrangement? - A five grand sort of arrangement.

Trust me, the family lawyer

won't even get out of bed for less than 20 large.

- Well, I would need absolute proof

before emptying the school's coffers.

- You've got the letter!

Are you saying you don't believe me?

- Look, I just need to know that we are doing everything by the book.

Sonya, can you call a cab to take Mrs Barry home?

Er, take this to cover your fare.

Consider it your first instalment.

- I'll see her out.

- He accused me of lying, good as.

- He's just sticking to procedure, Carol. Obviously he needs proof.

- I'll wallpaper his bleeding office with proof, if that's what he wants.

I'm being very reasonable about this.

I could get ten times more if I went through the courts!

I'll take it from here, thank you.

- If you're sure, Carol.

Take care.

I'm sure George'll be very sorry to hear about your, um...

your...injury.

- He's not here though, is he?

I'm all on me own.

- KNOCKS

- Come on, hurry up. Come on! Chop chop.

- Eh, eh, eh, eh?

What's going on 'ere?

- Everything, Maggie. Nobody cares about me.

- Oh, don't be daft. We all care about you.

- Not Darren. I hate him. He's an idiot.

- He's not really, is he?

But he's not your best bet for a steady boyfriend just now.

- What am I going to do?

I'm sorry, Maggie, but I lied to you before.

I think I might be pregnant and he doesn't even want to know!

- Justin?

Justin? Not long now.

Why don't you get on with your essay and take your mind off things a bit?

Keep an eye on him, would you?

Poor Rhiannon, pregnant.

- She might not be.

- You were proper nasty to her, she's already scared to death.

- I'm not doing backflips myself, am I, mate?

- You were harsh, mate.

- She reckons she's going to take us to the cleaners

unless we cough up five grand.

- Remember the days when you tripped and fell

and it was all your own fault?

- She certainly takes the Oscar for "wounded soldier".

- Yeah, well, "Oscar" sounds about right.

I wouldn't put it past Carol to be faking it -

she's not known for her honesty.

She's already had one compensation pay-out,

looks like she's going for the double.

- You can buy those boots over the counter at a surgical supply shop.

- Mr Fitzgerald, I need two minutes of your time.

- I'll catch you later.

- It's about your son, Justin. - What now?

- He is TERRIBLY upset.

I'm sorry, I know this is awkward but I would be failing

in my duty if I didn't tell you what I would tell any other parent.

- Thank you, Audrey. Leave it with me.

- It is a mistake to leave him isolated in the cooler ALL day,

whatever it is he's done. - I disagree.

- Are you sure a great big hug wouldn't just sort things out?

- Well, let me thi... Yes, yes, I'm sure. Excuse me.

Mrs Budgen!

- Go on, love. I'll catch you up.

- I hear there was an incident with the doll.

- Rhiannon's a bit upset. She thinks she might be pregnant.

- Oh, good(!)

- We're just about to do a test.

- Fingers crossed. - I'm really sorry about all of this.

Can you let Allie know that she's with me?

- Yeah, you stay with her and I'll catch up with you later.

It's high time I paid a visit to the schoolhouse.

- Have you got the test?

Are you ready?

Now, are you sure you know exactly what you're doing?

Do you want me to come in and hold it for you?

Listen, whatever happens don't worry.

Whether it's positive or negative, I'm here.

- Thanks, Maggie. Don't listen. - Right.

MUSIC: Hey Now by London Grammar

# Hey now

# Letters burning by my bed for you Hey, now

# I can feel my instincts here for you

# Hey now... #

- It's negative.

- Come on.

RHIANNON SOBS

- Thanks.

- It's probably for the best, love.

- Yeah.

Turned out to be rubbish at it anyway.

Just like everything else.

- That's NOT true.

- This morning I had someone.

And I thought I were having a baby. Now I've got nothing...

again!

- DOLL BURBLES

You've got me. And your pals.

- It's not the same, Maggie. When's my life going to start?

When do I get to the good bit?

- DOLL GRIZZLES

Listen. How about we get out of here, eh?

Come on. You and me.

Let's go for a walk.

BELL RINGS

- Justin, your father wants you to go directly to his office.

Look, this is none of my business.

Um, I'm sure things can't be easy at home.

- No, I'm to blame for everything.

- Yes, but lashing out and trying to hurt people, your own family,

that's not going to do any good.

- She's not my family.

- Life doesn't have to be a battle.

I mean, I might be wrong but I'm guessing

you feel like a traitor who's come to live in the enemy camp.

No-one's saying you have to be best friends with Allie.

She's the woman your father's chosen to be with

and at some stage you're going to have to accept that.

- Yeah, well, it doesn't mean I have to like it.

- No, but you don't have to make everybody else's lives

a misery either.

- You're going to start quoting the Bible next,

telling me to turn the other cheek.

- Would that be such a terrible thing? Live and let live.

Go on.

But, please, for everyone's sake,

give some serious thought to calling a truce.

- Are you done with the war similes?

- They're metaphors, actually.

All right?

- I've done the test, if that's what you're after.

- And?

- It's negative, so you can stop worrying.

- My legs have gone funny.

Well, you must be happy about it as well, then, eh?

- I should be happy?!

Why does it have to be such a bad thing?

Weird, it turned out to be a test for you and all

and you failed it big-time.

- Look, I know I didn't fully understand.

- At least I know where I stand, Darren. Nowhere.

Stupid Rhiannon, only good for one thing.

I'm just a joke to you, aren't I?

- No! - Hang on, pet.

- Look, Maggie... - I'd leave her alone if I was you.

# Yet again we're the only ones

# No surprise This is often how it's done... #

I never get tired of it.

Used to come here all the time after Grantly.

It helped.

I'm sure when the time comes,

and it will,

you will make the most amazing mother ever.

- Even though I lost it with Beyonce?

- Yes.

- I felt terrible straightaway.

I'd never hurt a real baby, I swear.

- I know.

You're a cracking girl, any lad would be lucky to have you,

but you've just got to believe you're worth it in here.

Have some inner confidence.

- Easy said.

- Listen, man, don't serve it up on a plate. Make 'em wait.

And if they like you, really like you, then they will.

You've got to start calling the shots, man. Show 'em who's boss.

- If I even had a boyfriend.

- Forget about Darren,

you've got to start focusing on yourself for a bit.

You've had a lot of knocks for a young lass,

but you're going to be just fine.

- How? Everyone thinks I'm too thick to get a decent job.

And maybe I am.

- Fancy a drink?

- Simon's working late at the hotline.

- I wasn't asking Simon.

- But I said I'd help him.

- Sounds like a fun night. Cancel.

- I can't.

- OK. But all this working late...

you're never going to get that family started.

- People think all I'm fit for is to be a council flat mum on benefits.

So what? What's wrong with that?

I was going to show 'em - be the best that I could be.

Didn't last five minutes with a stupid doll.

- OK, stop. Forget about what other people think. What do you want?

What does Rhiannon Salt want, mm?

Cos you know what?

I reckon that you would make the most AMAZING nursery nurse.

- Really? - Mm. - Don't you need exams and that?

- Well, we can check out courses, see EXACTLY what you need.

- I'd love that - working with little kids.

- Oh, imagine, eh, spending all day with babies

without actually having to have one yourself.

Perfect. And you'll even get paid for it.

- No stupid boys getting in the way, either.

- Exactly! Come on, up it and at 'em.

- Justin, in here, please.

So, what have you got to say for yourself?

- I'm sorry.

- Well, that's a start, I suppose.

- Thank you, Justin.

- I need you to give me your word

that you will never hurt or threaten Allie again.

And whatever is happening at home,

you do not bring it into school - that is totally unacceptable.

- It won't happen again.

- I understand how difficult things are...

I just want you to know that I appreciate that.

- I really am sorry.

Can I go now? - Yes.

- Was that for real? - Seemed genuine.

Well, that's another week over, thank God.

- At least my baby project was a success.

I hope I haven't put them off parenthood for life.

And at least we get to have a lie-in tomorrow.

- Yeah. Only let's not make any more babies.

Four teenage nightmares are quite enough, thank you.

Can just practise. - Mm.

- Me and Maggie are going to look at it after tea.

See what grades you need and that.

Don't know why I didn't think of it before.

- You'll be ace. Go on, Rhiannon!

- Thanks. Yeah, it's all sorted now. I've got something to work for.

What do you want?

- Where've you been? I've been worried.

- No need.

- I'll just leave you to it, then.

- I'm coming with you.

- Just wait!

Look, I know I've been a bit of an idiot today.

I'm sorry. But obviously it was just because of the shock.

- Well, I'm going to stop wasting my time

cos I've found out what I want in life.

And it is NOT you.

Come on.

- It must wear you out being horrible all the time.

Think what you could do if you put some of that energy into good stuff?

- Such as?

- Finding ways to help your own mum get better

instead of seeing how much you can hurt mine?

You'd better apologise to her. Properly.

- What if I already have?

- Well, then... maybe we could be friends?

Because underneath all that attitude, you're probably all right, really.

Might even be worth getting to know.

- I need to pick up the rest of

Rhiannon's baby stuff from the schoolhouse.

- I'm on my way to see Mrs Barry. God help me.

I'll drop you off. - Good luck.

- Hey, Floyd. Come on, free food on offer.

- Yeah, a nice little shopping trip, spot of lunch. My treat.

Oh, we miss you, babe - me and Kace.

- DOORBELL RINGS

- Flaming Nora, who's that? Better go, Dyn.

Yeah, I'll give you a call later.

Love ya, babe. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

- MUSIC: Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by Eurythmics

DOORBELL RINGS

- Mr Fitzgerald.

- Can I come in?

- Yeah.

Do you want a seat?

- No. This won't take long.

Well, like you, I'd rather settle out of court.

- Absolutely. Lawyers and all that jazz, it's a licence to print money.

You're getting off cheap at five grand.

- OK.

Oh, just one thing. Your boot.

It's on the wrong foot.

- No, it's not.

- No, it's not.

But you just gave yourself away.

Christine dropped you off at the front door of the hospital,

and you went straight out the back, didn't you?

Oh, and the hospital record.

You can't spell Patel.

One T.

Don't bother coming back to work.

- Just a minute.

You can't do this. I know I've done wrong but I'm skint, I need the job.

- Think yourself lucky I'm not calling the police. Fraud's a serious crime.

- I'm just trying to provide for my family.

- Provide what? A winter holiday? 50-inch plasma?

- Mr Fitzgerald, what are you doing here?

- I'll let your mum explain.

- This is an unfair dismissal.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

- Goodbye, Carol. And take that stupid boot off.

- You look nice.

- Don't start.

- Look, um...

..I'm sorry I let you down.

You've been really good to me since my mum died and...

..I don't know what I would've done without you.

In the middle of the night it wasn't just about...

..you know, the other stuff.

- I know.

- I just shouldn't have took you for granted, Rhiannon.

Please say you'll give me another go?

I know that I don't deserve it but I think...

- I meant what I said, Darren.

It was easier when we were just friends.

- Well, let's just be friends then...

mates. Just see how it goes?

- Don't go getting any ideas.

I'm not having you messing me around again

- I won't. I swear. Just mates.

Are we cool, then?

- Come on. I'm starving.

- Pass them down. Eat your greens, Rhiannon.

- Oh, thanks for this, Maggie.

Honestly, one night off from cooking for six is like a holiday.

- It's my pleasure.

When you've got this many, a few more doesn't matter.

I hope things are going all right with Carol.

It's the last thing Vaughan needs - clearing up my mistakes.

- Don't you worry, he's used to dealing with people like that.

- Can hear you lot halfway down the drive.

- Come and try some of Maggie's pie, it's yummy.

- You've got almost all my family sat down together.

It must be yummy.

- There's plenty more, so let me get you a plate.

- I've, um, solved the Carol problem.

She won't get a penny from Waterloo Road.

- What do you mean? Did she back down?

- No, it was all an act. Typical Barry behaviour.

She was just in it for easy cash.

- And there was me thinking I was for the sack.

Well, Carol's accident.

You thinking the kids are running rings round us,

schoolhouse out of control.

- We had one pregnancy scare. And Carol's act? That's not your fault.

Look. Look at that atmosphere. That's a proper home.

Come on, start to believe in yourself.

- That's what I've been telling Rhiannon all day.

- Oh, yes!

- Listen, guys, we are going to have to go soon.

- Can we stay, please?

- Justin's at home on his own.

Oh, I almost forgot.

We will have a familiar face back with us next week.

She'll be joining Year Six.

- Who's that, Sir?

- Gabriella Wark.

I want you all to give her a nice big welcome.

- TIFFANY'S VOICE: 'There's this boy I really, really like

'but he keeps shutting me out.'

- Gabriella, welcome back to Waterloo Road.

- Get off!

- I still love you, Vaughan.

- Well, well, well, I wonder what Allie would have to say about that.

- What's going on?

- Tiff, what are you doing talking to him?

- I can talk to who I want, Floyd, so don't be a moron.

- Will you come? My parents are away.

- What? Like a party?

- DOORBELL RINGS

Surprise! - Where's the booze!