Original subtitles

Come on, Malcolm. It's gonna be a blast.

It's fine, Marty. I am happy

to be kicking off our bachelor party at a theme park.

Wh... Ah, ah. It is not a theme park.

The Camelot Experience is a theme restaurant.

Set in the glory days of the reign of King Arthur,

where gallantry and magic were the order of the day.

You know, I thought I was gonna regret not being able to go.

Daddy, look, look, listen, okay?

This is perfect for a bachelor party.

The ale wenches?

Their bosoms

are practically bursting out of their bodices.

Wow, Marty. You mean I get to see the top of boobs?

You know, if you went to the Jiggle Hut on Slauson,

you get to see the whole thing.

Plus, have some of those lemon pepper wings, and, boy...

I know you're not

talking about the Jiggle Hut to my babies.

Marty brought it up.

- I just... - Well, no, Malcolm's been there.

What? I never been to the Jiggle Hut.

I can't believe you're dogsitting for Mercedes.

This is your life now.

- Hey, everyone. - Hey. - Hi, girl.

- Hi, baby. - Hey, baby.

Uh, thank you guys so much for dogsitting Coco.

- Oh, no, our pleasure. We're happy to. - She loves it. Yeah.

- Where is Coco? - Oh, right here.

Oh.

That's it? That's the whole dog?

Aw.

- She's adorable. - Aw.

That's not a dog, that's a hamster that made a wish.

Hey, everybody.

- Dave, say hi to Coco. - Oh, hey, Coco.

Yeha, my folks are dogsitting while we go on our bachelor

and bachelorette parties.

Ooh, uh, speaking of, bad news.

I'm not gonna be able to make your bachelor party.

Uh, Dave you weren't invited.

If you remember Marty's last bachelor party,

you had two Jell-O shots and turned into Dave the Douche.

- It wasn't that bad. - No.

- You were the absolute worst. - It was a nightmare. I can't believe you did that to me.

Okay, well, I have to be on call for my telehealth gig anyway,

so I'm not gonna be able to make it. Don't beg me.

- Yeah, you got it. I wouldn't even dream of doing it. - Okay. Bye, Dave.

Yeah, not at all.

- I remember what he did. - So, Marty,

you got a medieval cape picked out

for your night at Camelot?

Well, I know you are making fun of me, but

yes. Yes, I do.

I'm glad you guys are having a nice, clean bachelor party.

I bet you are.

You know Garnett, her ex-husband?

His bachelor party? Whoa-ho!

Yep.

Oh, they had to blur out everything.

So, all this stuff is for one little dog?

Yeah, and if she doesn't sleep on her memory foam mattress,

she wakes up cranky.

That's what happens when you buy a pure breed.

Well, in my day, you didn't buy a dog.

- Oh, boy. - You got a dog.

Like Bingo.

He was chasing me home from school one day.

He was trying to bite me, and-and I was running,

and I got caught in a corner.

And then he was looking at me, I was looking at him

and I had a little piece of Slim Jim. I threw it at him.

And he ate it.

Boom, I had a dog.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh, hell no.

How many times I got to tell you? You could sleep

in your orthopedic bed, your basket,

or your little Malibu dream house,

but the chair is mine.

Shoo. Go on now.

What part of "go on now" don't you understand?

Calvin, she's probably exhausted.

I had to flush out her ears with anti-fungal foam.

She fought me tooth and nail, and trust me,

that little dog is a lot stronger than she looks.

Dog? That's not a dog.

Bingo was a dog.

This one time, a raccoon tried to drag

my little brother into the woods, right?

A-And Bingo, Bingo said,

"Not on my watch. Not on my watch."

He said that, did he?

Yeah. A-And then

he chased that raccoon

up a hundred-foot pine tree,

all the way to the top.

There's no way he did that.

Look, the point is...

- is that that dog saved Curtis' life. - Okay.

This dog-- well, she wears a puffer vest

so she don't get cold.

What'd I tell you about my chair, huh?

What'd I say about my chair?

You are going to go here, okay?

Yeah, that's where you belong.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. All right, so this what you do--

you just sit in people laps?

I don't think so.

The mailman?

Okay.

Okay, barking at the mailman.

I like that. That's big dog energy right there.

All right, I think we all good for tomorrow.

I mean, the Sprinter van'll be here at 6:00,

dinner's at 6:30,

go-kart track's at 9:00.

The only thing left to do is hire the strippers.

- What strippers? - The ones you asked for.

No. We didn't ask for strippers.

In fact, we explicitly said no strippers.

Well, somebody asked for them.

Was it you, Trey?

It was somebody.

Look, regardless, it's better

to have strippers and not need them

than to need strippers and not have them.

- No strippers. - No strippers.

Got it.

Strippers TBD.

Anyway, I am so psyched for this party.

This is gonna be way better than my last bachelor party.

Are you kidding? That party was dope.

We had steaks, cigars, a party bus.

Man, that's how you send your man off to get married.

Except I called off the wedding at the end of the night.

Oh, well, for you, it was horrible.

For me, top five.

This time is totally different, okay?

Courtney and I have a daughter together,

- we live together. - Mm-hmm.

We know how compatible we are.

With Necie, it was just too impulsive.

Like, we'd only really known each other for a few months.

Yeah, you know what?

There's no way you can get to know a person that fast.

Uh, well, well, uh, you know, it, uh...

it does depend on the person.

Well-well, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not talking about you.

- Right. - I mean, a few months is plenty for you and Mercedes.

- Yeah. Yup. - I mean, you guys are totally different.

- Very, very different. - You're damn right.

We... we different.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, right.

How?

You like that cheese?

You get you a little piece of cheese.

You like that cheese, don't you?

You know what's better than cheese?

Belly rubs.

I rub that belly. I like that belly.

- You like that belly... - Oh.

Oh, uh, uh, scram, mutt. Yeah.

Yeah.

What'd I tell you about my chair?

Uh-huh.

Oh, you're on dog duty. I'm going to the barbershop.

Oh, no, no, no. Gemma and I are getting mani-pedis.

You'll have to take her with you.

I can't go into that barbershop with Ratatouille.

Hey, Tina. Guess what?

Dave has very generously offered to drive us to the salon

and sit with us while we get our nails done.

That-- Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

Dave just needs to get out of the house.

He's been sitting in front of his laptop all day.

This job is killing me. I spent the last six hours

just shoveling people through the system.

You know, I thought I was gonna get a chance

to really use my therapy skills.

It's like they're keeping Michael Jordan on the bench.

Well, Calvin can take him to the barbershop.

- Oh, thank you. - What-what-what-what did I do?

I got the dog and Dave?

Malcolm Butler getting married. I never thought I'd see the day.

Well, I mean, I always knew I would get married someday.

And it happened so fast.

I mean, not so fast.

I mean, three months.

Do you even know her last name?

- Uh, yes, I know her last name. - Okay.

- Do you know her middle name? - Obviously.

He's googling it.

Hey, keep your eyes on my hair, please.

Hey, hey, fellas.

Oh... What?

Oh, my God.

Calvin's got a purse dog.

Uh, this is not a purse.

Uh, Daddy, it kind of looks like a purse.

Oh, oh, is a suitcase a purse?

Is a bag full of guns a purse?

Okay.

Calvin, ignore them. Your... your man-card is fully intact.

There is nothing unmanly about a poodle in a purse.

Now this is why...

Okay, Dave, Dave, would you stop helping, please.

I-I can't help it. It's what I do.

You know, we therapists have a term for what they're doing.

It's called projection, and it's born of insecurity.

That felt good. Jordan for three.

Okay, everybody, give my pops a break, all right?

That's not his dog, it's my fiancée's.

Oh, yeah? What's the dog's name?

Um... Damn it, I know this. Um...

- The dog's name is Coco. - Coco.

It's okay to be upset, Calvin.

Those guys found a vulnerability in you,

and they zeroed in on it.

You know, that's what bullies do.

I know what bullies do. I am the bully.

But not to sweet little doggies. No, no, no.

You know what I think?

I don't think this is about you being humiliated

at the barbershop. I think

you have formed an attachment to this dog.

And I think we should unpack that.

Absolutely not.

No one lets me unpack anything anymore.

I'll get it.

Hey, is this the Butler residence?

I'm sorry, we're actually in the middle of something

- right now. - Uh, no, we're not.

Dave, do you not know who this is?

That's Garnett Winters.

Three-time Pro-Bowler.

Holds all the records in receptions.

- Aren't you also on Trophy Divas? - Yeah.

You're, uh, Mercedes' ex-husband?

- That I am. - Ah. - Oh.

Well, if you're here to fight Malcolm,

just know it's not gonna be one-on-one.

We jumping in.

Oh, no, I'd have to fight both of you guys?

Don't worry, man. Me and Malcolm are cool.

- Garnett Winters is a lover, not a fighter. - Huh.

Well, that's good to know, so, um...

What can Calvin Butler do for Garnett Winters?

You can give me back my dog.

Oh, Calvin Butler can't do that.

I'm sorry, Mercedes didn't

tell y'all I might come by to pick up Coco?

She did not.

Typical. Ah, let's go, Coco.

- Okay. - Yeah. We still have time to make our swim class.

You know, she won't be getting in any pool today.

I just did her hair.

Garnett, Calvin has formed an unusual bond with Coco.

- Oh... - We were about to start unpacking it.

The hell we were. No.

Uh, whose car is that?

I mean, what kind of nut job

buys an electric Rolls-Royce?

The rich, handsome, environmentally-conscious kind.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Garnett.

Oh, we... we-we...

we-we... we-we know who you are.

We hate you.

Well, he's here to take Coco.

- Uh-uh. - What? Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That is not gonna work.

I'm sorry, this is my dog.

How is this not gonna work?

We don't trust you.

And we don't trust a man who pushes little Andy Cohen

off a stand-up paddleboard.

Nobody pushes Andy Cohen off a stand-up paddleboard.

Mercedes trusted us with her dog.

That's right. And we are not giving Coco

- to anyone without her say-so. - Nope.

And maybe not even then.

Garnett, Calvin has fallen in love with the dog.

- Aw. - Oh, okay.

No, do not "aw" me. Don't "aw."

I love the dog.

It's my dog. Mine. Not yours.

I-I don't think y'all understand

how lonely a 12-bedroom penthouse feels

when you're sitting there by yourself.

Ever since Mercedes took away my visitation rights,

my life has been empty.

I miss the sound of...

the ticky-ticky-ticky little feet

- on my custom Italian marble floor. - Oh...

Now, uh...

Garnett, you let it out.

Thank you. Thank you.

The man can't have everything.

Custom Italian marble floors,

electric Rolls-Royce.

I'm keeping the dog.

Malcolm?

Uh, hey, Marty.

What's up?

Nothing, man. I'm just, uh... I'm playing Connect Four.

Oh, okay. Well, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do

in the middle of your bachelor party!

There we are,

enjoying the Camelot Experience,

reveling in jousts, eating our Excaliburgers,

and I turn around and you are gone.

I just needed a minute, Marty.

You've been gone for an hour.

I had a panic attack.

Why?

Look, man, at your bachelor party...

Not this one, the other one.

When did you know it wasn't gonna work out?

Wait. You think you and Mercedes are like me and Necie?

That's just it, Marty. I don't know.

You know, just like I don't know her middle name

or her favorite color or-or the name of her first pet.

You trying to marry the girl or steal her identity?

I'm just saying, Marty, am I being reckless?

You know, man, was I so determined to prove

that I could commit to somebody that I just...

I don't know, I rushed into this?

I lost again.

And won. You are playing against yourself. You also won.

Just like you are winning with Mercedes.

Look, man, can I give you some tough love?

Yeah.

Okay, come on.

Malcolm...

you have been running from serious relationships for years.

Now, some of them, thank God.

- I mean, Katrina? - Whoa. Don't say her name.

Yeah, I still got her blocked on socials.

But...

now you've found something real.

Like, really real.

And I don't want to see you running again.

You are never, ever...

gonna do better than Mercedes.

Not if you live to be 300.

She's smart, she's beautiful,

and she's so nice you can't even tell that she is filthy rich.

And she loves you.

And I love her.

And yeah, it moved fast, man, but...

- you know, when you know, you know. - And you know.

- Oh, I know I know. - I know you know you know.

Oh, my God.

Claudette! Yes!

Excuse me?

That's Mercedes' middle name-- Claudette. Okay? Look,

all the guys at the barber shop can suck it!

Yes, they can. Yeah.

Now, will you please

stop playing Connect Four with yourself

and marry that girl before she comes to her senses?

Uh, Marty, thank you.

I couldn't ask for a better brother.

That's what brothers are for.

- Love you, man. - I love you too.

I-I don't know,

maybe Mercedes and I were never really happy.

Garnett, this is good. We're really starting to unpack this.

Other people could learn

from your willingness to be vulnerable.

I don't know who you're talking about, but they are not here.

Hey, why is there an electric Rolls out front?

Because you took the McLaren in the divorce.

Oh, my God. What is he doing here?

Do not give him the dog.

Trust me, he's not getting the dog.

Because we're your real friends, Mercedes.

Okay. Um, why are you back so early?

Glamping was a terrible idea.

There were so many bats.

Sienna got drunk and fell on a cactus.

Aurelia got stung by a scorpion

in her brand-new boobs.

I'm-a have to start watching this show.

Um, we had a custody agreement, Garnett.

We were gonna share Coco, and then you went

and brought her to Aruba on my week.

She had fun, and I got her a cute, little snorkel.

- Come on. - Guys, uh, i-if I may?

Can we please show Garnett some grace here? Look...

Does he have issues? Yes.

Does he manipulate people with his charm

and million-dollar smile?

Aw, stop it.

It is insured.

Yes, but...

he is feeling grief.

He lost a companion that showed him love,

and he's committed to working on himself.

Yes, I am.

I really am.

- Ha! - No way, you snake. - Nice try.

Aw, man, I hate to do this, but...

I agree with Dave.

I mean, a sweet little dog like this can...

fill holes you didn't even know you had.

Bingo?

Bingo was his name-o.

He was the best damn dog

I ever met, you know.

And I didn't know how much I was missing that feeling

until I met Coco here.

Well, she is a special dog.

She's the only thing I've ever truly loved.

Gee, thanks.

You know, one time, this big guy tried to, uh,

steal my bike, right? And Bingo was not having any of that.

No, no, he bit off his pinkie.

And kept it in his mouth all the whole way home.

Bingo was so proud, man. Man, he was proud.

He was like...

I-Is Bingo real?

I have no idea. Get to your point, Calvin.

Yeah, yeah, well, I mean, well, the point is

is that even the manliest man

can benefit from having a little buddy just like this.

Especially if he's feeling alone.

I guess we can

try shared custody again.

Thank you, Mercedes.

Dave, thank you so much.

Well, thank you for allowing me to use my gift.

Jordan with the buzzer beater.

Swish.

Okay. Let's go, Coco.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me a minute.

You right. My bad.

You know, Coco...

we had a special time.

So, don't be sad. You know,

be happy that we get this...

Really?

So, I guess them belly rubs didn't mean a damn thing.

So, y'all think because I got a little dog, I'm not tough?

I got blindsided by Ray Lewis

across the middle.

- Whew. - Okay.

Yeah, you know, I remember that game.

I lost my parlay when you fumbled.

It was prime Ray Lewis.

Yeah, yeah, listen, if that would've happened to me,

I would've walked straight off the field and then to my car.

Oh, man.

Man, give yourself some credit.

The league has nothing on those Trophy Divas.

You never see somebody in the NFL

get hit with a stiletto.

That is true. That is true.

You know, I once knew

the toughest dog in the whole damn world.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, Bingo?

You know it.

Bingo.

Once ate a whole beehive.

That's impossible.

No, a-and then, when he burped, hornets came out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pop, Pop, Pop,

- hornets came out of the beehive? - You weren't there.

- What? - You-you-you didn't see it.

And then-- and then-- and then a tarantula came out.

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