Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Hello?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

OK.

Ah!

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Yes, hello! Welcome to Taskmaster,

the show that is as meaningful as an old man sweeping up

autumnal leaves only to have them blown across the garden overnight.

And yet, five people want to take part. Why?

Ego? A competitive streak?

Well, according to a chat I just had in the green room

with one of the competitors,

it's no more complicated than an unhappy home life.

Let's play on and welcome them.

Ania Magliano...

..Maisie Adam...

..Phil Ellis...

..Reece Shearsmith...

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar.

And next to me, a man who once told me that there isn't

a single presenter in the ITV daytime schedule that he

hasn't thought about when having solo fun time...

..it's little Alex Horne!

Hello.

Thank you.

Let's have a look at the prize task.

What an outstanding idea from the opulent orca!

And this time they've brought in

the present that would most make you say this if you received it

on your birthday,

"Oh, that's just the most gorgeous gift ever."

Greg will give five points to the best one and they will all go home

with the episode winner whether they like it or not.

Over to you, Greg.

First then, Reece.

What do you think I think is gorgeous?

I fashioned, from an old doll's house, a haunted house.

So if you want to see what it was when I initially got it off eBay...

And this is what Reece made.

Wow! Oh, that is lovely.

It's gorgeous and opulent. Thank you.

This is Reece is in action.

So you actually did do it, as well.

Yeah. I made the pumpkins. Yeah.

Put the glass in the windows, broke the windows,

curtains, and also, it lights up.

I put lights in it.

Look at that. Oh, look at that.

I mean, we're looking at, what, a day's work there?

Two weeks, Greg.

Nonstop. Up in the mornings.

Getting up, setting the alarm, going downstairs.

Spraying, painting.

You got up then set the alarm?

No, no, that was the other way round.

14 days?

Yes!

Wow, gorgeous. It's gorgeous. There you go.

What a disappointingly positive start.

Don't worry - Phil.

It's a picture of Phil with a mayor.

There we are.

That's not just any mayor. No.

That's the mayor of Preston.

Ooh, the big one.

Speaking of big ones, what's that behind him?

Well, it's the biggest bus station in Europe. Wow.

It's Preston bus station.

And I'm wearing a Preston North End shirt,

holding a Preston guild plate. Is it a plate?

Yeah, and I had to find a way to meet the mayor

and it's a lot easier than you think.

Very good. Ania.

I wrote a book.

Ooh.

And I wrote a book of all the gossip I've heard in my life.

Wow.

It's a lovely book. It's a big book. It's a gorgeous looking book.

It's a gorgeous book and I wrote a title for it as well.

She genuinely did do this.

Yeah. There's 100 pages.

Of just malicious chitchat?

Greg, look at this. Ooh!

Oh, it's like a serial killer's diary.

That is insane.

Is, uh, "I don't really know what the Magna Carta is..."

..is that gossipy?

This is the introduction page.

Is "gossip" gorgeous? Yeah.

Not according to the points I've just given you.

Greg!

Maisie.

I've got you, Greg, a ball on the end of a string.

OK. No, no, no, no, no.

You might be back in the game.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I did some digging.

And I found a chat forum

of people who had encountered

Greg Davies throughout their life.

It's very personal

because I found on this chat forum someone

who was taught by you when you were a teacher. Oh, God.

"I had him as a drama teacher for a year.

"I don't remember him doing a lot of teaching

"and we mostly pissed around in class.

"His warm up exercise was swinging a ball attached to a rope

"around the room that you had to jump over and duck under."

The '90s were a different time in education. Different time.

Only one left now, Greg.

Hello, Sanjeev. Have you brought something gorgeous?

I, well, something that would make you say,

"This is the most gorgeous thing ever."

I kind of made something that was practical.

Oh...

It is a tea towel.

But it's this tea towel, Greg.

Clever. Clever. It's clever.

But it's cleverly tricked me into saying,

"It's the most gorgeous gift ever."

What do you mean trick you? Nobody made you do anything.

You just read that and then you said that out loud.

You said the thing that was in the task.

All right, all right, I'll drop the lawsuit.

OK, let's go. Right.

I thought the stones on the outside of the book were truly gorgeous

but then inside,

it was just horrible, spiteful, malicious gossip.

OK, one point to Ania.

One point to Ania. Got it. Um...

Is it gorgeous, me being reminded what a terrible teacher I was?

It was nice and fun!

No. Two points. Two points to Maisie.

Three points to Sanjeev.

I enjoyed the trick but it wasn't an especially gorgeous item.

I don't know why I found Phil standing next to

a mayor gorgeous. Four points.

And of course, you know, any man who isolates himself for

a fortnight, painting a ghost house - gorgeous. Five points.

Let's crack on.

Yes, I think we should, Greg.

And just like when I go to a trendy nightclub in any capital city,

this one involves everyone trying to get my number.

One, two, three, four, two, two, three, four, start.

You all right?

Yeah, I've decided to have a seat.

You looked a bit, I don't know, pensive, worried. Everything OK?

Yeah, pretty accurate.

Oh, hi.

When are you going to learn?

You keep dragging me back in here to do things.

Yeah. Well, I've got to be here.

What you been up to? It's not that sort of situation.

OK, let's crack on, then.

Shall I go into the task?

Yes.

Happy birthday, is it?

Is it your birthday?

Well... Ah.

Hmm. It is this year.

Capricorn?

This? That's for you. Yeah. These are mine.

20 beads. Mm-hm. Yeah, nice.

You know, I come from a hinterland of culture

which contains many beads.

In fact, people go there to buy beads.

Where are you from?

Well, I was born in West London.

Yeah. Yeah.

Cool, well, if you want to open the task? Yeah.

What number has Alex written down?

You may ask no more than 20 questions.

Alex may only say "yes" or "no."

And you must be increasingly surprised by every answer.

Your time starts now.

And ends when you say the correct number or ask your 20th question.

OK, and you can only answer yes or no?

Yes.

Ooh!

Hmmm. Ah!

Interesting.

Very much so.

You've gone in pretty surprised early doors there, haven't you?

Yeah, I pitched it far too much, yeah.

God, by the end you're going to just be screaming, aren't you?

LOUDER: Ooh!

Great. Let's crack on with it.

Right, well, first to become increasingly surprised

whilst guessing my number are Maisie, Reecey and Philly.

Is your number between one and ten?

No. Hmm.

Single digits?

No. Hmm.

Higher than 50?

Yes. Ooh!

Is the number by any chance a prime number?

No.

Wish I knew what a prime number was, cos that is a good question.

Is your number...

..lower than 50?

Three numbers? Is it between one and 100?

No... No... No...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh.

Is your number, er...

..63?

No.

You're kidding?

It's not under 100?

No. Is it over 100?

Yes.

If you were playing for this number in pounds, would it be higher than

the £64,000 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Yes. Yes!

I've lost track of where the numbers are. I know.

I've lost track of the numbers it is and isn't beginning with. I know.

I've wasted so many questions, haven't I?

Yes.

I don't think I care what the number is.

That's the tricky thing, you know?

Hmm.

PHONE RINGS

Is your number on the end of that telephone?

No. Right...

PHONE RINGS I'm just going to take this call.

Hello, Lil Wayne, Maisie speaking.

360.

Is your number 360?

No.

That's insane!

Is the number in this room?

Yes, I've written it down.

I could just find the number, couldn't I?

Yes.

Right. Blooming heck.

Try not to ask me any more questions, I would say.

Why's that? Oh.

Is your number, um...?

What do you know about my number at this stage, Reece?

It's higher than 50.

That took you 11 questions.

Wait a minute, what the fuck's this?

Is the number you've written down the answer to this?

Yes.

Well, don't we have a conundrum?

Is that a question?

Has your number got a one in it?

Yes. No!

Is the one in the number, your number,

at the beginning of the number?

Yes. Now we're getting somewhere!

Is the second number a number between one and ten?

No.

Is the number...second number is zero?

Yes, but you've only got one question left.

Right OK. Is your number...?

This is the final question.

Right, yes, of course! I know.

Is your number ten?

ALEX LAUGHS

No.

The answer is 8,500.

OK.

Is your number three? But that's... Then that's...

I'm fine with that, honestly. Yeah?

Three? Yeah. No. No? Right.

See ya. See ya.

Have a nice day.

APPLAUSE

One of your questions...

I'm just interested in your thinking here.

..was, "Is the number above 64,000?"

Yeah, well, I knew that it was...

It was a big net, right?

So I was like, it's somewhere between one and a million.

What else is between one and a million?

The prizes on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

What's around halfway? 64 grand.

Yeah. But I did say...

Oh, halfway to a million?

No, no. Fuck off.

Halfway through the process of the show

is around 64 grand when you, you...

Yeah, but I said, "Yes, it's over that,"

and your final answer was three.

Do you think this is going to be your angry episode?

Yeah, I do. Do you think you'll come up with a decent task?

And I think you were the only one who got more surprised every time.

I'm glad you noticed that, Mr Taskmaster.

Phil, I don't think you showed any expression of surprise throughout,

and largely... I cannot believe!

Were you taught drama by him?

We're going to nip off for a break now,

but not before Alex has tried out his new joke.

Oh, great, OK. Thank you, Greg.

Pan Asian?

I just call it a wok.

TOTAL SILENCE

Wok's the time? It's time for a break.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, hello. Thank you.

Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster,

where we are in the thick of a numerical task.

Yes, they're trying to work out what number I've written down.

They have 20 questions,

and must be increasingly surprised by every answer.

Without giving too much away,

Maisie, Reece and Phil were awful.

Now let's see if Ania and Sanjeev can do any better.

I'm going to be very strict about what is a question.

OK. Well, a question is one that goes up the end, isn't it?

Yeah. Uh... So that's one.

Excellent.

Is the number somewhere I can see in this room?

No.

Have you looked? Was that a, "Have you looked?"

That was a question, yeah. Yes.

But you asked me a question then, so maybe I get one back.

No.

Where are you taking them?

Oh, no that was a question!

Is the number you've written down between zero and 100?

100 and 1,000?

Between 1,000 and 10,000?

No. No. No.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

ANIA GASPS There's a phone!

Lil Wayne?

He's always calling.

Is the number that you've written down a telephone number?

No.

Then that is even more stupid, that ringing,

than I first thought it was. All right, OK.

Hello! OVER PHONE: 120.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Have you actually written down a number?

Yes.

I need you to be more surprised.

Pfft! Fucking hell!

I'm losing the will to live here.

Is the number 120?

No. SHE GASPS

Have you written down the number in this room?

Yes.

Right.

RUMMAGING

Does the number have emotional significance to you?

Yes.

Is the number your birthday?

Yes.

PHONE RINGS

Mum?

No, that's my wife. Maybe don't answer that.

I don't call her mum. But my children do.

I don't want to know what goes on in that relationship.

I'm going to ask your wife for some details about you.

You're telling me or asking me?

I'm telling you. OK.

It's got a full stop at the end.

Hello? Hi, this isn't Alex.

Can I ask you a question?

I've managed to get hold of his phone.

That's a question.

If I had a mallet, I could just smash through this, couldn't I?

You don't need a mallet for this task.

LAUGHING: Yes, of course.

When's his birthday?

His birthday...

I always get this wrong.

No! 10th of September '78.

Is the answer 1-0-0-9-7-8?

Is the number 10-09-78?

Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Sanjeev.

Thank you very much.

Sanjeev did pretty well there.

He was pretty forensic in his hunt for the numbers. Yeah.

And then we saw a crack in his calmness

when he threatened to take a lump hammer to the wall.

But pretty good, I thought.

Yeah, working out that it was written somewhere in the room,

you can always find... I mean it was just in my pocket.

You could've got that at any point.

Were you as surprised as me that, uh,

Alex's own wife doesn't know his birthday?

It really felt like I'd got a key to the task, and then it...

Then it became something quite sad about their marriage.

Yeah, heart-breaking. It was an accidental key to the task.

She rang to check I'd had my sandwiches and, um,

and you seized on the opportunity. Ah!

Isn't Mum kind?

I sense Ania was fast, though. I could be wrong.

They were the only two that got it right.

Sanjeev you got it in 9:43.

Ania, 9:40.

ANIA GASPS Whoa!

Yeah, genuinely.

APPLAUSE So, yeah, Ania gets the five points.

The other three didn't get it right,

but I guess they get points for how close they got?

Built in within this task was that stupid phone ringing in the thing.

And then there was a real one that happened

and it gave her an advantage.

"Her!" Her?

I'm not going to factor in the luck afforded

to anyone who heard the Mum call.

OK. Well now we have clarity.

You-You're welcome.

So we're saying that Ania gets the five points

for being the quickest and getting the right number. Correct.

Sanjeev gets four. Correct.

And are the other three getting according to how close they were.

Yes, they do, according to how close they were to the number.

Phil, you get three points. You were...

And can I say, Phil,

you do not deserve them.

Two points, and... Aw... Maisie, you were just 100,975 away.

You get one point.

But the winner is Ania Magliano! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, pull my shorts down and smack my bottom.

What's next...?

What's next, little Alex?

Well, Greg, we're mixing it up now

in an alternative teams task,

and this one's got a whole lot of heart.

Ooh.

Hello. Hi. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hmm.

Nice shoes.

That too close to you? No.

Hello.

You all right? Mm-hm.

What's that?

Chicken soup.

Thank you. Pleasure.

Oh, it's a heart. Mmm.

Is this a romantic task?

"Make a love heart using your body,

"the body of your team-mates..."

"The body of your team-mates and any other items of your choosing."

The body of my team-mates? Mm-hm.

BOTH: "You must make up half of the heart."

"Your team-mate has made up the other half."

"You have ten minutes to make your half,

"during which you also have one chance

"to record a ten-second voice note

"with instructions for your team-mate."

ALL: "You must make up a third of the heart."

"Your team-mates will make up the other two thir-..."

Who's the team-mates?

"One of your team-mates..." What?

"..has made up the first third and has provided you with instructions."

Oh.

"Your team-mates have made up the other two thirds

"and one has provided you with instructions."

"The most affecting heart wins."

An affecting heart? Yeah.

What, it's got to beat? It's got to move Greg, the Taskmaster.

Emotionally? Oh, yeah.

Right.

Is he a romantic?

So I'm going to be half of the love heart.

With your team-mate.

So, I suppose the obvious question is why were you eating chicken soup?

I like it - you know when you see a task

and someone comes in drinking a cup of tea

cos they're just dead caszh, and they're like...

Yeah, yeah. I thought I'd up that.

Yeah, it's not quite as acceptable, is it,

to come in eating a bowl of soup?

I mean, seeing it on the big screen now,

I realise my mistake, yeah.

So, these aren't their standard team members, as you'll see.

We're mixing it up. We're mixing it up.

Let's get some romance on the go.

OK, well, let's see how normally mortal enemies

Ania and Reece work together as a team.

I have my supplies.

I'm going to be the top like this.

Then, to make it affecting, it will say "Mum" in it. Hmm.

For like, when you have a tattoo of "Mum".

And I'm going to pulse. I'm going to be beating.

You're going to get across this information in ten seconds.

Yep. I'm a really accomplished voice-noter.

I usually do them in, like, seven minutes.

Oh, the voice note isn't ten minutes, the voice note's...

Ten seconds.

OK.

I'm going to do it in order of importance

of what they need to know.

BEEP We're doing the heart from above.

I'm the left side. It's pink,

it's got "Mum" written on it, but I've done M

and half of the U. My body is the top.

The side is the umbrellas. It's pulsing.

It's filled with pink fabric.

But you have to pulse to make it-... BEEP

Why is she gabbling? Is she at gun point?

Play it again.

I think that what I've done is...incredible.

The side is the umbrellas. It's pulsing.

It's filled with pink fabric.

But you have to pulse to make it-...

The sad is the umbrellas?

I need to go again, and just hear about the umbrella.

My body is the top. The side is the umbrellas.

Again? Yeah, I need to because that was absolutely gobbledegook gabble.

My body is the top. The side is the umbrellas.

Go again with the umbrella.

If they get it wrong, like, it's like...

..that's on them, completely.

OK, so she said she is the left side.

I think she's doing this.

Something about "Mum" written in it and full of pink.

Right. Right.

She's left-hand side.

Right.

Right, OK, and I'm going to be right-hand side.

Yeah. Four and a half minutes.

Oh, no!

I'm going to spell "-um,"

the other half of Mum, with flowers.

Get rid of that.

Sorry.

HE SPLUTTERS There's a creature on me!

Give me the M of that. Please.

All I've gotta do now is fashion a, uh, ooh...

..half of the U.

I love you, Mum.

WHISTLE Thank you, Reece.

HE EXHALES I think that was quite good, that.

APPLAUSE

I mean, from what I've seen so far,

you were an incredible team, I thought, to be honest.

Yeah. It does feel like an exercise that you'd make

a couple that's about to break up do to try and save their marriage.

Yeah, and it looks like you guys are going to last.

Often a clip gets thrown up that we can use out of context

throughout a series. Right.

And I think probably this is...

Yeah, the brave boy dealing with a little bug? Yeah.

HE SPLUTTERS There's a creature on me!

No-one comes running in to help, though, do they?

One of those things that's going to keep being funny as well. Yeah.

Show it again now. Show it again, yeah?

It'll still get a laugh, watch.

HE SPLUTTERS There's a creature on me!

OK, we're halfway through the show,

and as Alex's wife/mum said to me

when she discovered his subscription to Greedy Butter Babes...

..it's time for a break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome.

It's the start of part three,

where we've mixed up the teams to create two patchwork hearts.

Oh, just a bit, yes.

They're using their bodies to create the most affecting heart,

following instructions from their team members via a voice note.

Now for the other team.

It's Maisie, it's Phil, and Sanjeev.

OK, we need to do it on the floor.

I think one third is the round bit here.

Second third, which I can instruct someone to do

is the other bit.

I'll do the point,

and I will compliment Greg's top half.

Then the next person must compliment his, like, torso,

and then the last person compliment his lovely legs

in a not objectifying way. Hmm.

You know, like, "Those legs are great for swimming."

So I'll go... I'll be the point there, look.

Oh, I'll also let them know I'm wearing black.

Then we can all be the same colour.

Right, Alex, I'm ready for my voice note.

I'm not going to look at you, cos you will put me off, no offence.

Here we go.

Bum to the floor. I'm the point of the heart.

One of you needs to be the left side, the round side,

one of you needs to be the right round side.

Wear black and pay a compliment to Greg.

Genuinely, chicken soup is really good.

I can't recommend it enough.

I don't want to tempt fate,

but there's no way they can cock that up.

Found some black stuff.

How long have I got, Alex?

Seven minutes.

Seems like too long, doesn't it? OK.

Now where would Maisie point?

I reckon she's gone point like that.

HE GIGGLES

How long have I got? One and a half minutes.

Do I have to stay in this position?

Yes. Ready?

I'm going to play you some instructions

from one of your two team-mates.

OK. Fingers crossed.

Hey, mate. Um, Maisie's the point of the heart,

with her bum to the floor, as a V shape.

I'm the left hand curve of the heart.

You need to be the right hand-...

You want to hear it again? Yes, please.

Hey, mate. Um, Maisie's the point of the heart...

So if she was doing a V shape, she might be doing that...

..as the bottom of the heart.

He was the left hand, so I'd be the right.

Here.

It's...that.

There you go. OK.

You think you obeyed the instructions?

"Uh, hey mate, uh, yeah, I think I did,

"but I might have just g-."

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

GREG: Lovely work.

Well is it...? I mean,

Maisie and Sanjeev were incredibly effective heart-makers.

Straight to the point, clear instructions.

And then there's Phil.

I looked like a reverse stripper, didn't I?

I came in and just got dressed.

You certainly upset the two incredibly efficient parts

of the heart, but maybe it won't matter.

Maybe the heart will still be a thing of beauty.

Can I, um, see the team of two first?

Why not? Let's save the team of three.

Here is Ania and Reece's heart, and remember,

the sad is the umbrella.

Here we go.

MAISIE: Oh, that's good! ANIA: That's pretty good!

APPLAUSE

I think it's very good.

It's a very... Thank you.

..lovely tribute to someone's mother,

and it was animated.

I mean, I've got nothing negative to say.

I think it's really brought us back together.

It was... Absolutely, yeah.

We're all right now, aren't we? Yeah.

Let's have a look at the other heart.

OK the team of three. MAISIE: Come on.

Harder with three people, arguably.

This is what they came up with.

Greg has a lovely beard that is complemented by his glasses.

Always been a big fan, Greg.

Uh, I never used to like people, uh, taller than me,

but you're the first person I could genuinely have

look after my children,

of which I have none.

PHIL, HYSTERICALLY: I forgot to tell him!

There we go.

Sorry there, seems to be something wrong with the tape there. I...

I wasn't told to pay you a compliment.

And if you just look at Maisie and Sanjeev in that heart,

it is perfect. Look at Sanjeev.

What a curve. What a curve. Proper curl.

ANIA: He looks the most peaceful I've ever seen him.

It looks like you're trying to post a letter in my arse.

The letter starts with, "Hey, mate!"

APPLAUSE

Five points to the mum heart.

Congratulations. I'll say that now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Ania and Reece. Five points.

Let's have a look at the other heart.

It's impressive in a way. I'll give them three points.

They deserve three.

OK. Three points and five points. Well done.

APPLAUSE

One more, please.

Yes, please. And giddy up, or hold on to your horses,

because we're off to a horse-based location

for a horse-based task,

and I'm not even jockeying!

SCATTERED LAUGHTER AND GROANS

STARTER PISTOL, CHEERING

Hi, Alex Horne.

This is exciting.

It's the viewing deck.

Is that a trot or a gallop?

That was sprint.

That was 100 miles per hour.

OK. Interesting.

Strange. Darts.

Hedgehog darts. Mm-hm.

Binoculars, if you need them.

I buried a hedgehog once.

Why? Well, I found it dead in the road,

and I thought I'll give it a dignified funeral.

"Win the horse race."

"Win the horse race."

Have you spotted your horse?

Yes. Oh, has it got my face?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God, that's terrifying.

"You must do one of the following things."

"Eat something without looking at the food..."

"Spin the wheel at least 720 degrees..."

Twice.

"Throw a dart at the dartboard..."

That one there.

"If you eat an olive, your horse will advance two steps."

"If you eat a grape, your horse will retreat three steps."

I've never eaten an olive in my life.

This is going to be a nightmare.

"If you throw a dart in an olive, your horse will advance five steps."

"If you throw a dart in a grape,

"your horse will retreat eight steps."

"If the wheel lands on an olive..."

"Your horse will advance ten steps."

You couldn't have done it with chips?

"If the wheel lands on a grape, your horse will retreat 15 steps."

"You must stay on the spot and you must not move the spot."

"First horse past the post wins."

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes. Your time starts on the whistle."

You're riding a horse. What is your horse called?

Doctor Magic.

Called Mashie Niblick. Mashie Niblick?

Yeah, it's a golf, uh, term.

Old Pip.

George Clooney.

OK, so you're riding George Clooney today.

The envy of many.

What do they write on the door in The Shining?

AS A COMMENTATOR: It's Mashie Niblick on the left hand side, followed by Red Rum.

Red Rum... NORMALLY: That's what they do in horse racing, isn't it?

Red Room. Red Room. Your horse is called Red Room.

OK.

I'm still sort of dumbstruck by the mask of me.

I can't stand it. It looks like some sort of...

It's like Hannibal... Oh, Christ.

Starter's orders.

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Do you think the impact in the film, The Shining...?

Oh, for God's sake.

Do you think it would've lost some of its impact

if they'd gone, "Ooh, moor-der?"

I will walk out.

Anyway, back to horses. Yeah.

Can't wait to see these jockeys in action.

Yes, they control the horses.

Olives, good. Grapes, bad.

The first jockeys to the starting stalls are

Sanjeev, Maisie and Reece,

with their horses, George Clooney, Red Room, and Mashie Niblick.

MAISIE: Do you know, I don't think I've ever concentrated

on the feel of an olive?

Well, now's your chance.

WHISTLE

Now you think you can tell olives from grapes?

OK. It's an olive.

George Clooney, you may advance two steps.

Right in a grape. Oh!

Come on, Red Room.

That's an olive. You hit an olive.

Yes! That's an olive.

The horse will advance. Congratulations.

It's taking its time.

Ooh. Which one...? Is it that one? Yeah.

It's a grape.

Another grape? Yeah.

It's a grape.

It's a grape. Grape.

That's ridiculous.

That's an olive all day long.

OK.

Olive! Forwards ten. Oh, no!

Because that's... Sorry... But that's good for you.

Great.

Oh, he's sprinting now.

Feeling a bit sick.

MOUTH FULL: That's a fucking olive.

Well done, Maisie. That's not worth two steps.

The horse will advance ten steps.

I'm going to will it to be an olive.

It is.

You've crossed the finish line.

Come on, George.

Well done, Red Room.

And Mashie Niblick has crossed the finish line.

Expressionless, dead eyed.

AUDIENCE GROANS Why would you ever have that before your meal?

It's minging.

APPLAUSE

They're gross. ANIA DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

No, no, no.

I don't like to be regionally prejudiced, but...

..you hate olives as well.

Yeah, I'd had one before. Oh!

What the hell is going on?

I would also point out, yes,

Ania just asked, "Did you know there was a camera in the bin?"

and I don't... I think I would've made more of an effort

not to drool into the bin.

OK, we're stopping once again.

In the final part of the show,

we'll witness our very own Taskmaster derby,

plus someone will take home a tea towel

and a ball attached to some string.

So highs, lows, highs, real lows.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to the final part of the show,

and our own Grand National of sorts at Sandown Racecourse.

Yes, but before the race,

we need to see how Ania and Phil did at progressing their horses,

Doctor Magic and Old Pip, towards the post.

Let's have a look.

I don't know how to play this game cos I'm not an old man.

Dart first.

Think olive.

That's a grape. Oh, come on, Old Pip.

I didn't know horses could go backwards.

Miss.

Shall I try this?

Do I have to eat the whole olive?

They're not in here.

They look rank, don't they? What is that for?

Grape. Oh, they're salty.

It's a salty grape, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. HE LAUGHS AND CHOKES

This is my Everest.

Old Pip, you can advance two steps.

Two?! Come on, mate.

Olive. Grape.

Are you kidding me?

15 steps.

15?! When does that happen?

Come on, Old Pip.

LAUGHINGL: Doctor Magic.

She's gonna be in a different country soon.

Stop. BUZZER

Fuck.

This is ri... Is this rigged?

WHISTLE BLOWS Olive.

Grape. HE GROANS

WHISTLE BLOWS Come on, come on, come on.

Oh...

Oh, come on!

15 is insane.

Can I change this? Can I just take these off?

That'd make more sense, wouldn't it?

Well, fingers crossed.

BELL DINGS Hey! Come on, boy.

APPLAUSE

Got a new idea.

The wheel's about to land on an olive.

Ready? Uh-huh.

BELL DINGS Please advance ten steps.

APPLAUSE

BELL DINGS

Oh, he's just pulled up short.

What's it landed on? Olive.

BELL DINGS It's landed on olive,

so please advance ten steps.

HE LAUGHS

BELL DINGS That's an olive.

Come on, boy!

Advance ten steps.

Yes!

Five, four, three, two, one.

We've finished the race.

FLATLY: Blast off.

Let me get him. I wanna hug him.

Yeah, baby!

He's a good boy.

LAUGHING: Yeah!

Bloody gorgeous.

Yes! What a victory!

Ah, come on, let's take you...

Let's get you to the glue factory.

APPLAUSE

So nice to see a man running excitedly

to hug a member of production crew.

You know, they played a blinder, didn't they?

Well, was it too little too late?

They did get very unlucky with the spinning wheel.

There were more olives than grapes.

But we're gonna see them all race as one, Greg,

and we can see who wins. Ready?

Oh, my God. I genuinely don't know.

OK, they're under starter's orders.

But Phil and Maisie's starter orders are definitely not olives.

It's a little joke. Let's get down to the track.

Good luck, everyone.

Oh. Come on, George.

Come on, Red Room, get up there.

Come on, George.

Get up there. Giddy up, giddy up. Come on.

Good old George.

WHISTLE BLOWS Right, here we go.

Mashie Niblick.

Dr Magic. Blast off.

It's Mashie Niblick on the left-hand side.

Come on, Old Pip, you bastard.

Oh, no!

Come on, Old Pip!

God! I must have won.

APPLAUSE

And the tragedy is, it was only Old Pip that had to be

put down in the end.

Yeah, Sanjeev won. Three minutes, 56 -

just six seconds quicker than Maisie's Red Room.

Phil took as long to eat one olive as Sanjeev...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Never again.

So, yeah, five to Sanjeev, four to Maisie,

three to Ania, two to Phil, and one point to Reece Shearsmith.

Well done. There it is.

Can we have one more look at the scores, then?

It's tight Greg. It's the tightest episode so far.

There are just four points between the top four.

At the top of the pile, it's Sanjeev, with 15 points.

Amazing. APPLAUSE

OK, everyone. Make your way to the stage, please.

Why? I'll tell you why.

The final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, my tender friend. Who will be reading the task?

I think Ania should read it. Ania.

Yes.

OK.

What?

This one's mad.

"Fill out your form."

Uh... Fill out your form?

Yeah, they've got big forms in front of them.

There are ten flaps on your form.

Open the flap, fill in the form.

Start. WHISTLE BLOWS

MUSIC PLAYS

They've done it. Give Greg a nice big smile.

They've completed the form! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

I will now ask you to display your forms

and stand beside them.

There's a little flap on the back of the desk.

And then Ania's gonna read part two of the task.

Oh!

REECE: Oh, no.

"Either convince the Taskmaster that you have written something

"other than what you have written,

"or exactly what you have written."

MAISIE SIGHS

"If you fail to deceive the Taskmaster, you are eliminated.

"Last person standing wins."

So, Greg's gonna call out, one at a time, a number and a category.

OK. So you have to either say what you've written,

or something you haven't written.

And, if he gets it right, you're out.

He'll start with you, Ania.

Number three, and the category is a motorway.

Ooh, which motorway did you write, Ania?

I wrote the M40.

Hmm, you did not.

Let's see what you've written, Ania.

She... Oh.

She wrote the A40.

That... LAUGHTER

That is what I meant.

She meant the M40, clearly.

Oh. The A40 becomes the M40.

You're fine, you've survived.

Great.

OK, Maisie, I would like you to do number four -

best kitchen appliance.

I put "a kettle."

Have you?

She did put a kettle.

Did you put a kettle?

Yes. Kettle, yeah.

Maisie, please sit down and take your form with you.

Thank you. Gently, gently, yeah. Oh, God. Thank you.

All right, Maisie's out in Round One.

OK, on we go. Now I'm terrified.

Phil, number seven.

Oh. Something quite big.

Tell me what you've written and I'll tell you

whether you're telling me the truth or not.

I've written, "You know."

LAUGHTER

What have you written?

I've written, "You know."

You've just written the words "you know"?

Yeah, like, something quite big, and I've gone...

You say, "Something quite big." Innuendo. He means his cock.

Yeah, and I've gone... LAUGHTER

OK. I think.

You know. I think that's true. He has written that.

Uh. Number seven, Phil. What have you written?

Number seven.

Oh, fuck.

Sit down, Phil. Sit down.

APPLAUSE

Reece, I would like you to read out

number five, which is a new band name.

I said Style Lemon.

LAUGHTER

I don't think Reece did put Style Lemon.

Reece, show us what you wrote.

Style Bomb.

Oh! Reece, you have to sit down.

I know. It's a fucking disgrace.

Please take your form with you.

Right, well, there's only two left.

Let's have number ten - a quite scary animal.

Leopard.

I think he's double-bluffing me with the doubt in his voice.

SNIGGERING I think you did write leopard.

We have a winner! APPLAUSE

That's not right.

Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, well, well. Yeah, it was shorter than I expected.

Not as high-octane as we imagined.

No. You were very good at not being deceived, Greg.

Oh, thank you.

Only one person deceived so, the full five points

goes to Ania.

However...

in joint second was everyone else, so they all get four points.

Loving it. So five, four, four, four, four.

OK, so final scoreboard.

It's interesting. There's not one winner, there's two winners.

There's joint winners. With 19 points,

Ania and Sanjeev!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no, we've got a tie.

We do. So we need a tie-break.

And this one is fun and made them look really cool,

because they had to remove their shower cap

by inflating a balloon. Fastest wins.

Here's how they both got on.

I don't like that everyone's laughing at me.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's off. Yeah, it's off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My God, it's...it's neck-and-neck.

It is.

Yeah. The winner is Ania Magliano!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ania wins!

Please, go up and gather up all of your gorgeous gifts!

So, what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that, no matter what happens,

no matter who it ha... PHONE RINGS

So sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah. Phwoar.

Phwoar, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, defo. Absolutely, yeah.

Later, though. I'm at work.

I told you.

You can't ring me at work.

THROATILY: Whoa!

Alex's mum.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But, more importantly, let's celebrate our winner.

It's Ania!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media