All language subtitles for Taskmaster.S20E04.Hey.Mate.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

Oh, no.

Hello?

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

OK.

Ah!

Nothing's ever straightforward in
this stupid house.

Yes, hello! Welcome to Taskmaster,

the show that is as meaningful as
an old man sweeping up

autumnal leaves only to have them
blown across the garden overnight.

And yet, five people
want to take part. Why?

Ego? A competitive streak?

Well, according to a chat I just had
in the green room

with one of the competitors,

it's no more complicated than
an unhappy home life.

Let's play on and welcome them.

Ania Magliano...

..Maisie Adam...

..Phil Ellis...

..Reece Shearsmith...

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar.

And next to me, a man who once told
me that there isn't

a single presenter in the ITV
daytime schedule that he

hasn't thought about when having
solo fun time...

..it's little Alex Horne!

Hello.

Thank you.

Let's have a look at the prize task.

What an outstanding idea from
the opulent orca!

And this time they've brought in

the present that would most make you
say this if you received it

on your birthday,

"Oh, that's just the most gorgeous
gift ever."

Greg will give five points to the
best one and they will all go home

with the episode winner whether they
like it or not.

Over to you, Greg.

First then, Reece.

What do you think I think
is gorgeous?

I fashioned, from an old doll's
house, a haunted house.

So if you want to see what it was
when I initially got it off eBay...

And this is what Reece made.

Wow! Oh, that is lovely.

It's gorgeous and opulent.
Thank you.

This is Reece is in action.

So you actually did do it, as well.

Yeah. I made the pumpkins. Yeah.

Put the glass in the windows,
broke the windows,

curtains, and also, it lights up.

I put lights in it.

Look at that.
Oh, look at that.

I mean, we're looking at, what,
a day's work there?

Two weeks, Greg.

Nonstop. Up in the mornings.

Getting up, setting the alarm, going
downstairs.

Spraying, painting.

You got up then set the alarm?

No, no,
that was the other way round.

14 days?

Yes!

Wow, gorgeous. It's gorgeous.
There you go.

What a disappointingly positive
start.

Don't worry - Phil.

It's a picture of Phil with
a mayor.

There we are.

That's not just any mayor. No.

That's the mayor of Preston.

Ooh, the big one.

Speaking of big ones, what's that
behind him?

Well, it's the biggest bus station
in Europe. Wow.

It's Preston bus station.

And I'm wearing
a Preston North End shirt,

holding a Preston guild plate.
Is it a plate?

Yeah, and I had to find a way
to meet the mayor

and it's a lot easier than
you think.

Very good. Ania.

I wrote a book.

Ooh.

And I wrote a book of all
the gossip I've heard in my life.

Wow.

It's a lovely book. It's a big book.
It's a gorgeous looking book.

It's a gorgeous book
and I wrote a title for it as well.

She genuinely did do this.

Yeah. There's 100 pages.

Of just malicious chitchat?

Greg, look at this. Ooh!

Oh, it's like a serial
killer's diary.

That is insane.

Is, uh, "I don't really know what
the Magna Carta is..."

..is that gossipy?

This is the introduction page.

Is "gossip" gorgeous? Yeah.

Not according to the points I've
just given you.

Greg!

Maisie.

I've got you, Greg, a ball on
the end of a string.

OK. No, no, no, no, no.

You might be back in the game.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I did some digging.

And I found a chat forum

of people who had encountered

Greg Davies throughout their life.

It's very personal

because I found on this chat forum
someone

who was taught by you when you were
a teacher. Oh, God.

"I had him as a drama teacher for
a year.

"I don't remember him doing
a lot of teaching

"and we mostly pissed around
in class.

"His warm up exercise was swinging
a ball attached to a rope

"around the room that you had
to jump over and duck under."

The '90s were a different time in
education. Different time.

Only one left now, Greg.

Hello, Sanjeev. Have you brought
something gorgeous?

I, well, something that would
make you say,

"This is the most gorgeous thing
ever."

I kind of made something
that was practical.

Oh...

It is a tea towel.

But it's this tea towel,
Greg.

Clever. Clever. It's clever.

But it's cleverly tricked me into
saying,

"It's the most gorgeous gift ever."

What do you mean trick you?
Nobody made you do anything.

You just read that
and then you said that out loud.

You said the thing that was in
the task.

All right, all right,
I'll drop the lawsuit.

OK, let's go. Right.

I thought the stones on the outside
of the book were truly gorgeous

but then inside,

it was just horrible, spiteful,
malicious gossip.

OK, one point to Ania.

One point to Ania. Got it. Um...

Is it gorgeous, me being reminded
what a terrible teacher I was?

It was nice and fun!

No. Two points.
Two points to Maisie.

Three points to Sanjeev.

I enjoyed the trick but it wasn't
an especially gorgeous item.

I don't know why I found
Phil standing next to

a mayor gorgeous. Four points.

And of course, you know, any man who
isolates himself for

a fortnight, painting a ghost house
- gorgeous. Five points.

Let's crack on.

Yes, I think we should, Greg.

And just like when I go to a trendy
nightclub in any capital city,

this one involves everyone
trying to get my number.

One, two, three, four, two,
two, three, four, start.

You all right?

Yeah, I've decided to have a seat.

You looked a bit, I don't know,
pensive, worried. Everything OK?

Yeah, pretty accurate.

Oh, hi.

When are you going to learn?

You keep dragging me back in here
to do things.

Yeah. Well, I've got to be here.

What you been up to?
It's not that sort of situation.

OK, let's crack on, then.

Shall I go into the task?

Yes.

Happy birthday, is it?

Is it your birthday?

Well... Ah.

Hmm. It is this year.

Capricorn?

This? That's for you. Yeah.
These are mine.

20 beads. Mm-hm. Yeah, nice.

You know, I come from a hinterland
of culture

which contains many beads.

In fact, people go there
to buy beads.

Where are you from?

Well, I was born in West London.

Yeah. Yeah.

Cool, well, if you want to open
the task? Yeah.

What number has Alex written down?

You may ask no more than
20 questions.

Alex may only say "yes" or "no."

And you must be increasingly
surprised by every answer.

Your time starts now.

And ends when you say the correct
number or ask your 20th question.

OK, and you can only answer yes
or no?

Yes.

Ooh!

Hmmm. Ah!

Interesting.

Very much so.

You've gone in pretty surprised
early doors there, haven't you?

Yeah, I pitched it far too much,
yeah.

God, by the end you're going to
just be screaming, aren't you?

LOUDER: Ooh!

Great. Let's crack on with it.

Right, well, first to become
increasingly surprised

whilst guessing my number are
Maisie, Reecey and Philly.

Is your number between one and ten?

No. Hmm.

Single digits?

No. Hmm.

Higher than 50?

Yes. Ooh!

Is the number by any chance
a prime number?

No.

Wish I knew what a prime number was,
cos that is a good question.

Is your number...

..lower than 50?

Three numbers? Is it between one and
100?

No... No... No...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh.

Is your number, er...

..63?

No.

You're kidding?

It's not under 100?

No. Is it over 100?

Yes.

If you were playing for this number
in pounds, would it be higher than

the £64,000 question on Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire?

Yes. Yes!

I've lost track of where
the numbers are. I know.

I've lost track of the numbers it is
and isn't beginning with. I know.

I've wasted so many questions,
haven't I?

Yes.

I don't think I care what
the number is.

That's the tricky thing, you know?

Hmm.

PHONE RINGS

Is your number on the end of that
telephone?

No. Right...

PHONE RINGS
I'm just going to take this call.

Hello, Lil Wayne, Maisie speaking.

360.

Is your number 360?

No.

That's insane!

Is the number in this room?

Yes, I've written it down.

I could just find the number,
couldn't I?

Yes.

Right. Blooming heck.

Try not to ask me any more
questions, I would say.

Why's that? Oh.

Is your number, um...?

What do you know about my number at
this stage, Reece?

It's higher than 50.

That took you 11 questions.

Wait a minute,
what the fuck's this?

Is the number you've written down
the answer to this?

Yes.

Well, don't we have a conundrum?

Is that a question?

Has your number got a one in it?

Yes. No!

Is the one in the number,
your number,

at the beginning of the number?

Yes. Now we're getting somewhere!

Is the second number
a number between one and ten?

No.

Is the number...second number
is zero?

Yes, but you've only got one
question left.

Right OK. Is your number...?

This is the final question.

Right, yes, of course! I know.

Is your number ten?

ALEX LAUGHS

No.

The answer is 8,500.

OK.

Is your number three?
But that's... Then that's...

I'm fine with that, honestly. Yeah?

Three? Yeah. No. No? Right.

See ya. See ya.

Have a nice day.

APPLAUSE

One of your questions...

I'm just interested
in your thinking here.

..was, "Is the number above 64,000?"

Yeah, well, I knew that it was...

It was a big net, right?

So I was like, it's somewhere
between one and a million.

What else is between one
and a million?

The prizes on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

What's around halfway? 64 grand.

Yeah. But I did say...

Oh, halfway to a million?

No, no. Fuck off.

Halfway through the
process of the show

is around 64 grand when you, you...

Yeah, but I said,
"Yes, it's over that,"

and your final answer was three.

Do you think this is going
to be your angry episode?

Yeah, I do. Do you think you'll
come up with a decent task?

And I think you were the only one
who got more surprised every time.

I'm glad you noticed that,
Mr Taskmaster.

Phil, I don't think you showed any
expression of surprise throughout,

and largely... I cannot believe!

Were you taught drama by him?

We're going to nip off
for a break now,

but not before Alex
has tried out his new joke.

Oh, great, OK. Thank you, Greg.

Pan Asian?

I just call it a wok.

TOTAL SILENCE

Wok's the time?
It's time for a break.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, hello. Thank you.

Welcome back to part two
of Taskmaster,

where we are in
the thick of a numerical task.

Yes, they're trying to work out
what number I've written down.

They have 20 questions,

and must be increasingly
surprised by every answer.

Without giving too much away,

Maisie, Reece and Phil were awful.

Now let's see if Ania
and Sanjeev can do any better.

I'm going to be very strict
about what is a question.

OK. Well, a question is one that
goes up the end, isn't it?

Yeah. Uh... So that's one.

Excellent.

Is the number somewhere
I can see in this room?

No.

Have you looked?
Was that a, "Have you looked?"

That was a question, yeah. Yes.

But you asked me a question
then, so maybe I get one back.

No.

Where are you taking them?

Oh, no that was a question!

Is the number you've written down
between zero and 100?

100 and 1,000?

Between 1,000 and 10,000?

No. No. No.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

ANIA GASPS
There's a phone!

Lil Wayne?

He's always calling.

Is the number that you've written
down a telephone number?

No.

Then that is even more stupid,
that ringing,

than I first thought it was.
All right, OK.

Hello!
OVER PHONE: 120.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
Have you actually
written down a number?

Yes.

I need you to be more surprised.

Pfft! Fucking hell!

I'm losing the will to live here.

Is the number 120?

No.
SHE GASPS

Have you written down
the number in this room?

Yes.

Right.

RUMMAGING

Does the number have emotional
significance to you?

Yes.

Is the number your birthday?

Yes.

PHONE RINGS

Mum?

No, that's my wife.
Maybe don't answer that.

I don't call her mum.
But my children do.

I don't want to know what goes
on in that relationship.

I'm going to ask your wife
for some details about you.

You're telling me or asking me?

I'm telling you. OK.

It's got a full stop at the end.

Hello? Hi, this isn't Alex.

Can I ask you a question?

I've managed to get hold
of his phone.

That's a question.

If I had a mallet, I could just
smash through this, couldn't I?

You don't need a mallet
for this task.

LAUGHING: Yes, of course.

When's his birthday?

His birthday...

I always get this wrong.

No! 10th of September '78.

Is the answer 1-0-0-9-7-8?

Is the number 10-09-78?

Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Sanjeev.

Thank you very much.

Sanjeev did pretty well there.

He was pretty forensic
in his hunt for the numbers. Yeah.

And then we saw a
crack in his calmness

when he threatened to take
a lump hammer to the wall.

But pretty good, I thought.

Yeah, working out that it was
written somewhere in the room,

you can always find...
I mean it was just in my pocket.

You could've got that at any point.

Were you as surprised as me
that, uh,

Alex's own wife doesn't know
his birthday?

It really felt like I'd got
a key to the task, and then it...

Then it became something quite sad
about their marriage.

Yeah, heart-breaking.
It was an accidental key to the
task.

She rang to check
I'd had my sandwiches and, um,

and you seized on the opportunity.
Ah!

Isn't Mum kind?

I sense Ania was fast, though.
I could be wrong.

They were the only two that got
it right.

Sanjeev you got it in 9:43.

Ania, 9:40.

ANIA GASPS
Whoa!

Yeah, genuinely.

APPLAUSE
So, yeah, Ania gets the five points.

The other three didn't get it right,

but I guess they get points
for how close they got?

Built in within this task was that
stupid phone ringing in the thing.

And then there was
a real one that happened

and it gave her an advantage.

"Her!" Her?

I'm not going to factor in
the luck afforded

to anyone who heard the Mum call.

OK. Well now we have clarity.

You-You're welcome.

So we're saying that Ania gets
the five points

for being the quickest and getting
the right number. Correct.

Sanjeev gets four. Correct.

And are the other three getting
according to how close they were.

Yes, they do, according to how
close they were to the number.

Phil, you get three points.
You were...

And can I say, Phil,

you do not deserve them.

Two points, and... Aw...
Maisie, you were just 100,975 away.

You get one point.

But the winner is Ania Magliano!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, pull my shorts down
and smack my bottom.

What's next...?

What's next, little Alex?

Well, Greg, we're mixing it up now

in an alternative teams task,

and this one's got
a whole lot of heart.

Ooh.

Hello. Hi. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hmm.

Nice shoes.

That too close to you? No.

Hello.

You all right? Mm-hm.

What's that?

Chicken soup.

Thank you. Pleasure.

Oh, it's a heart. Mmm.

Is this a romantic task?

"Make a love heart using your body,

"the body of your team-mates..."

"The body of your team-mates and
any other items of your choosing."

The body of my team-mates?
Mm-hm.

BOTH: "You must make
up half of the heart."

"Your team-mate has made up
the other half."

"You have ten minutes
to make your half,

"during which you also
have one chance

"to record a ten-second voice note

"with instructions
for your team-mate."

ALL: "You must make up
a third of the heart."

"Your team-mates will make up
the other two thir-..."

Who's the team-mates?

"One of your team-mates..." What?

"..has made up the first third and
has provided you with instructions."

Oh.

"Your team-mates have made up
the other two thirds

"and one has provided you
with instructions."

"The most affecting heart wins."

An affecting heart? Yeah.

What, it's got to beat? It's got
to move Greg, the Taskmaster.

Emotionally? Oh, yeah.

Right.

Is he a romantic?

So I'm going to be half of
the love heart.

With your team-mate.

So, I suppose the obvious question
is why were you eating chicken soup?

I like it - you know
when you see a task

and someone comes in
drinking a cup of tea

cos they're just dead caszh,
and they're like...

Yeah, yeah. I thought I'd up that.

Yeah, it's not quite
as acceptable, is it,

to come in eating a bowl of soup?

I mean, seeing it on
the big screen now,

I realise my mistake, yeah.

So, these aren't their standard team
members, as you'll see.

We're mixing it up.
We're mixing it up.

Let's get some romance on the go.

OK, well, let's see how normally
mortal enemies

Ania and Reece
work together as a team.

I have my supplies.

I'm going to be the top like this.

Then, to make it affecting,
it will say "Mum" in it. Hmm.

For like, when you have
a tattoo of "Mum".

And I'm going to pulse.
I'm going to be beating.

You're going to get across this
information in ten seconds.

Yep. I'm a really accomplished
voice-noter.

I usually do them in, like,
seven minutes.

Oh, the voice note isn't ten
minutes, the voice note's...

Ten seconds.

OK.

I'm going to do it
in order of importance

of what they need to know.

BEEP
We're doing the heart from above.

I'm the left side. It's pink,

it's got "Mum" written on it,
but I've done M

and half of the U.
My body is the top.

The side is the umbrellas.
It's pulsing.

It's filled with pink fabric.

But you have to pulse to make it-...
BEEP

Why is she gabbling?
Is she at gun point?

Play it again.

I think that what
I've done is...incredible.

The side is the umbrellas.
It's pulsing.

It's filled with pink fabric.

But you have to pulse to make it-...

The sad is the umbrellas?

I need to go again,
and just hear about the umbrella.

My body is the top.
The side is the umbrellas.

Again? Yeah, I need to because that
was absolutely gobbledegook gabble.

My body is the top.
The side is the umbrellas.

Go again with the umbrella.

If they get it wrong,
like, it's like...

..that's on them, completely.

OK, so she said she
is the left side.

I think she's doing this.

Something about "Mum"
written in it and full of pink.

Right. Right.

She's left-hand side.

Right.

Right, OK, and I'm
going to be right-hand side.

Yeah. Four and a half minutes.

Oh, no!

I'm going to spell "-um,"

the other half of Mum, with flowers.

Get rid of that.

Sorry.

HE SPLUTTERS
There's a creature on me!

Give me the M of that. Please.

All I've gotta do now is
fashion a, uh, ooh...

..half of the U.

I love you, Mum.

WHISTLE
Thank you, Reece.

HE EXHALES
I think that was quite good, that.

APPLAUSE

I mean, from what I've seen so far,

you were an incredible team,
I thought, to be honest.

Yeah. It does feel like
an exercise that you'd make

a couple that's about to break up
do to try and save their marriage.

Yeah, and it looks like
you guys are going to last.

Often a clip gets thrown up that
we can use out of context

throughout a series. Right.

And I think probably this is...

Yeah, the brave boy dealing
with a little bug? Yeah.

HE SPLUTTERS
There's a creature on me!

No-one comes running in
to help, though, do they?

One of those things that's going to
keep being funny as well. Yeah.

Show it again now.
Show it again, yeah?

It'll still get a laugh, watch.

HE SPLUTTERS
There's a creature on me!

OK, we're halfway through the show,

and as Alex's wife/mum said to me

when she discovered his subscription
to Greedy Butter Babes...

..it's time for a break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome.

It's the start of part three,

where we've mixed up the teams
to create two patchwork hearts.

Oh, just a bit, yes.

They're using their bodies to create
the most affecting heart,

following instructions from their
team members via a voice note.

Now for the other team.

It's Maisie, it's Phil, and Sanjeev.

OK, we need to do it on the floor.

I think one third is
the round bit here.

Second third, which
I can instruct someone to do

is the other bit.

I'll do the point,

and I will compliment
Greg's top half.

Then the next person must
compliment his, like, torso,

and then the last person
compliment his lovely legs

in a not objectifying way. Hmm.

You know, like, "Those legs
are great for swimming."

So I'll go...
I'll be the point there, look.

Oh, I'll also let them know
I'm wearing black.

Then we can all be the same colour.

Right, Alex, I'm ready
for my voice note.

I'm not going to look at you,
cos you will put me off, no offence.

Here we go.

Bum to the floor.
I'm the point of the heart.

One of you needs to be
the left side, the round side,

one of you needs to be
the right round side.

Wear black and pay
a compliment to Greg.

Genuinely, chicken soup
is really good.

I can't recommend it enough.

I don't want to tempt fate,

but there's no way they can
cock that up.

Found some black stuff.

How long have I got, Alex?

Seven minutes.

Seems like too long, doesn't it? OK.

Now where would Maisie point?

I reckon she's gone point like that.

HE GIGGLES

How long have I got?
One and a half minutes.

Do I have to stay in this position?

Yes. Ready?

I'm going to play you
some instructions

from one of your two team-mates.

OK. Fingers crossed.

Hey, mate. Um,
Maisie's the point of the heart,

with her bum to the floor,
as a V shape.

I'm the left hand
curve of the heart.

You need to be the right hand-...

You want to hear it again?
Yes, please.

Hey, mate. Um, Maisie's
the point of the heart...

So if she was doing a V shape,
she might be doing that...

..as the bottom of the heart.

He was the left hand,
so I'd be the right.

Here.

It's...that.

There you go. OK.

You think you obeyed
the instructions?

"Uh, hey mate, uh,
yeah, I think I did,

"but I might have just g-."

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

GREG: Lovely work.

Well is it...? I mean,

Maisie and Sanjeev were incredibly
effective heart-makers.

Straight to the point,
clear instructions.

And then there's Phil.

I looked like a reverse stripper,
didn't I?

I came in and just got dressed.

You certainly upset the two
incredibly efficient parts

of the heart,
but maybe it won't matter.

Maybe the heart will still be
a thing of beauty.

Can I, um,
see the team of two first?

Why not?
Let's save the team of three.

Here is Ania and Reece's heart,
and remember,

the sad is the umbrella.

Here we go.

MAISIE: Oh, that's good!
ANIA: That's pretty good!

APPLAUSE

I think it's very good.

It's a very... Thank you.

..lovely tribute to
someone's mother,

and it was animated.

I mean, I've got nothing
negative to say.

I think it's really brought us
back together.

It was... Absolutely, yeah.

We're all right now, aren't we?
Yeah.

Let's have a look at
the other heart.

OK the team of three.
MAISIE: Come on.

Harder with three people, arguably.

This is what they came up with.

Greg has a lovely beard that is
complemented by his glasses.

Always been a big fan, Greg.

Uh, I never used to like people, uh,
taller than me,

but you're the first person
I could genuinely have

look after my children,

of which I have none.

PHIL, HYSTERICALLY:
I forgot to tell him!

There we go.

Sorry there, seems to be something
wrong with the tape there. I...

I wasn't told to pay you
a compliment.

And if you just look at Maisie
and Sanjeev in that heart,

it is perfect. Look at Sanjeev.

What a curve. What a curve.
Proper curl.

ANIA: He looks the most peaceful
I've ever seen him.

It looks like you're trying
to post a letter in my arse.

The letter starts with, "Hey, mate!"

APPLAUSE

Five points to the mum heart.

Congratulations. I'll say that now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Ania and Reece.
Five points.

Let's have a look at
the other heart.

It's impressive in a way.
I'll give them three points.

They deserve three.

OK. Three points and five points.
Well done.

APPLAUSE

One more, please.

Yes, please. And giddy up,
or hold on to your horses,

because we're off to
a horse-based location

for a horse-based task,

and I'm not even jockeying!

SCATTERED LAUGHTER AND GROANS

STARTER PISTOL, CHEERING

Hi, Alex Horne.

This is exciting.

It's the viewing deck.

Is that a trot or a gallop?

That was sprint.

That was 100 miles per hour.

OK. Interesting.

Strange. Darts.

Hedgehog darts. Mm-hm.

Binoculars, if you need them.

I buried a hedgehog once.

Why?
Well, I found it dead in the road,

and I thought I'll give it
a dignified funeral.

"Win the horse race."

"Win the horse race."

Have you spotted your horse?

Yes. Oh, has it got my face?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God, that's terrifying.

"You must do one of
the following things."

"Eat something without looking at
the food..."

"Spin the wheel at least
720 degrees..."

Twice.

"Throw a dart at the dartboard..."

That one there.

"If you eat an olive, your
horse will advance two steps."

"If you eat a grape, your horse
will retreat three steps."

I've never eaten an olive in my
life.

This is going to be a nightmare.

"If you throw a dart in an olive,
your horse will advance five steps."

"If you throw a dart in a grape,

"your horse will
retreat eight steps."

"If the wheel lands on an olive..."

"Your horse will advance ten steps."

You couldn't have done it with
chips?

"If the wheel lands on a grape,
your horse will retreat 15 steps."

"You must stay on the spot
and you must not move the spot."

"First horse past the post wins."

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes.
Your time starts on the whistle."

You're riding a horse.
What is your horse called?

Doctor Magic.

Called Mashie Niblick.
Mashie Niblick?

Yeah, it's a golf, uh, term.

Old Pip.

George Clooney.

OK, so you're riding
George Clooney today.

The envy of many.

What do they write on
the door in The Shining?

AS A COMMENTATOR:
It's Mashie Niblick on the left hand
side, followed by Red Rum.

Red Rum... NORMALLY: That's what
they do in horse racing, isn't it?

Red Room. Red Room.
Your horse is called Red Room.

OK.

I'm still sort of dumbstruck by
the mask of me.

I can't stand it.
It looks like some sort of...

It's like Hannibal... Oh, Christ.

Starter's orders.

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Do you think the impact in the film,
The Shining...?

Oh, for God's sake.

Do you think it would've
lost some of its impact

if they'd gone, "Ooh, moor-der?"

I will walk out.

Anyway, back to horses. Yeah.

Can't wait to see these jockeys
in action.

Yes, they control the horses.

Olives, good. Grapes, bad.

The first jockeys to
the starting stalls are

Sanjeev, Maisie and Reece,

with their horses, George Clooney,
Red Room, and Mashie Niblick.

MAISIE: Do you know,
I don't think I've ever concentrated

on the feel of an olive?

Well, now's your chance.

WHISTLE

Now you think you can
tell olives from grapes?

OK. It's an olive.

George Clooney,
you may advance two steps.

Right in a grape. Oh!

Come on, Red Room.

That's an olive. You hit an olive.

Yes! That's an olive.

The horse will advance.
Congratulations.

It's taking its time.

Ooh. Which one...? Is it that one?
Yeah.

It's a grape.

Another grape? Yeah.

It's a grape.

It's a grape. Grape.

That's ridiculous.

That's an olive all day long.

OK.

Olive! Forwards ten.
Oh, no!

Because that's... Sorry...
But that's good for you.

Great.

Oh, he's sprinting now.

Feeling a bit sick.

MOUTH FULL: That's a fucking olive.

Well done, Maisie.
That's not worth two steps.

The horse will advance ten steps.

I'm going to will it to be an olive.

It is.

You've crossed the finish line.

Come on, George.

Well done, Red Room.

And Mashie Niblick
has crossed the finish line.

Expressionless, dead eyed.

AUDIENCE GROANS
Why would you ever have that
before your meal?

It's minging.

APPLAUSE

They're gross.
ANIA DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

No, no, no.

I don't like to be regionally
prejudiced, but...

..you hate olives as well.

Yeah, I'd had one before. Oh!

What the hell is going on?

I would also point out, yes,

Ania just asked, "Did you know there
was a camera in the bin?"

and I don't... I think I would've
made more of an effort

not to drool into the bin.

OK, we're stopping once again.

In the final part of the show,

we'll witness our very own
Taskmaster derby,

plus someone will
take home a tea towel

and a ball attached to some string.

So highs, lows, highs, real lows.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to
the final part of the show,

and our own Grand National
of sorts at Sandown Racecourse.

Yes, but before the race,

we need to see how Ania and Phil did
at progressing their horses,

Doctor Magic and Old Pip,
towards the post.

Let's have a look.

I don't know how to play this
game cos I'm not an old man.

Dart first.

Think olive.

That's a grape.
Oh, come on, Old Pip.

I didn't know horses
could go backwards.

Miss.

Shall I try this?

Do I have to eat the whole olive?

They're not in here.

They look rank, don't they?
What is that for?

Grape.
Oh, they're salty.

It's a salty grape, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
HE LAUGHS AND CHOKES

This is my Everest.

Old Pip, you can advance two steps.

Two?! Come on, mate.

Olive.
Grape.

Are you kidding me?

15 steps.

15?! When does that happen?

Come on, Old Pip.

LAUGHINGL: Doctor Magic.

She's gonna be in
a different country soon.

Stop.
BUZZER

Fuck.

This is ri... Is this rigged?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Olive.

Grape.
HE GROANS

WHISTLE BLOWS
Come on, come on, come on.

Oh...

Oh, come on!

15 is insane.

Can I change this?
Can I just take these off?

That'd make more sense,
wouldn't it?

Well, fingers crossed.

BELL DINGS
Hey! Come on, boy.

APPLAUSE

Got a new idea.

The wheel's about to land
on an olive.

Ready?
Uh-huh.

BELL DINGS
Please advance ten steps.

APPLAUSE

BELL DINGS

Oh, he's just pulled up short.

What's it landed on?
Olive.

BELL DINGS
It's landed on olive,

so please advance ten steps.

HE LAUGHS

BELL DINGS
That's an olive.

Come on, boy!

Advance ten steps.

Yes!

Five, four, three, two, one.

We've finished the race.

FLATLY: Blast off.

Let me get him. I wanna hug him.

Yeah, baby!

He's a good boy.

LAUGHING: Yeah!

Bloody gorgeous.

Yes! What a victory!

Ah, come on, let's take you...

Let's get you to the glue factory.

APPLAUSE

So nice to see a man running
excitedly

to hug a member of production crew.

You know, they played a blinder,
didn't they?

Well, was it too little too late?

They did get very unlucky with
the spinning wheel.

There were more olives than grapes.

But we're gonna see them all
race as one, Greg,

and we can see who wins. Ready?

Oh, my God. I genuinely don't know.

OK, they're under starter's orders.

But Phil and Maisie's starter
orders are definitely not olives.

It's a little joke.
Let's get down to the track.

Good luck, everyone.

Oh.
Come on, George.

Come on, Red Room, get up there.

Come on, George.

Get up there. Giddy up, giddy up.
Come on.

Good old George.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Right, here we go.

Mashie Niblick.

Dr Magic. Blast off.

It's Mashie Niblick
on the left-hand side.

Come on, Old Pip, you bastard.

Oh, no!

Come on, Old Pip!

God! I must have won.

APPLAUSE

And the tragedy is,
it was only Old Pip that had to be

put down in the end.

Yeah, Sanjeev won.
Three minutes, 56 -

just six seconds quicker than
Maisie's Red Room.

Phil took as long
to eat one olive as Sanjeev...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Never again.

So, yeah, five to Sanjeev,
four to Maisie,

three to Ania, two to Phil,
and one point to Reece Shearsmith.

Well done.
There it is.

Can we have one more look at
the scores, then?

It's tight Greg.
It's the tightest episode so far.

There are just four points
between the top four.

At the top of the pile,
it's Sanjeev, with 15 points.

Amazing.
APPLAUSE

OK, everyone.
Make your way to the stage, please.

Why? I'll tell you why.

The final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, my tender friend.
Who will be reading the task?

I think Ania should read it.
Ania.

Yes.

OK.

What?

This one's mad.

"Fill out your form."

Uh...
Fill out your form?

Yeah, they've got big forms in front
of them.

There are ten flaps on your form.

Open the flap,
fill in the form.

Start.
WHISTLE BLOWS

MUSIC PLAYS

They've done it.
Give Greg a nice big smile.

They've completed the form!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

I will now ask you
to display your forms

and stand beside them.

There's a little flap
on the back of the desk.

And then Ania's gonna read
part two of the task.

Oh!

REECE: Oh, no.

"Either convince the Taskmaster that
you have written something

"other than what you have
written,

"or exactly what you have written."

MAISIE SIGHS

"If you fail to deceive
the Taskmaster, you are eliminated.

"Last person standing wins."

So, Greg's gonna call out, one at
a time, a number and a category.

OK. So you have to either say what
you've written,

or something you haven't written.

And, if he gets it right,
you're out.

He'll start with you, Ania.

Number three, and the category is
a motorway.

Ooh, which motorway did you
write, Ania?

I wrote the M40.

Hmm, you did not.

Let's see what you've written, Ania.

She...
Oh.

She wrote the A40.

That...
LAUGHTER

That is what I meant.

She meant the M40, clearly.

Oh. The A40 becomes
the M40.

You're fine, you've survived.

Great.

OK, Maisie, I would like you
to do number four -

best kitchen appliance.

I put "a kettle."

Have you?

She did put a kettle.

Did you put a kettle?

Yes.
Kettle, yeah.

Maisie, please sit down
and take your form with you.

Thank you. Gently, gently, yeah.
Oh, God. Thank you.

All right,
Maisie's out in Round One.

OK, on we go.
Now I'm terrified.

Phil, number seven.

Oh.
Something quite big.

Tell me what you've written
and I'll tell you

whether you're
telling me the truth or not.

I've written, "You know."

LAUGHTER

What have you written?

I've written, "You know."

You've just written
the words "you know"?

Yeah, like, something quite big,
and I've gone...

You say, "Something quite big."
Innuendo. He means his cock.

Yeah, and I've gone...
LAUGHTER

OK. I think.

You know. I think that's true.
He has written that.

Uh. Number seven, Phil.
What have you written?

Number seven.

Oh, fuck.

Sit down, Phil. Sit down.

APPLAUSE

Reece, I would like you to read out

number five,
which is a new band name.

I said Style Lemon.

LAUGHTER

I don't think Reece
did put Style Lemon.

Reece, show us what you wrote.

Style Bomb.

Oh!
Reece, you have to sit down.

I know. It's a fucking disgrace.

Please take your form with you.

Right, well, there's only two left.

Let's have number ten -
a quite scary animal.

Leopard.

I think he's double-bluffing me
with the doubt in his voice.

SNIGGERING
I think you did write leopard.

We have a winner!
APPLAUSE

That's not right.

Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, well, well. Yeah, it was
shorter than I expected.

Not as high-octane as we imagined.

No. You were very good
at not being deceived, Greg.

Oh, thank you.

Only one person deceived so,
the full five points

goes to Ania.

However...

in joint second was everyone else,
so they all get four points.

Loving it.
So five, four, four, four, four.

OK, so final scoreboard.

It's interesting. There's not
one winner, there's two winners.

There's joint winners.
With 19 points,

Ania and Sanjeev!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no, we've got a tie.

We do. So we need a tie-break.

And this one is fun
and made them look really cool,

because they had to remove
their shower cap

by inflating a balloon.
Fastest wins.

Here's how they both got on.

I don't like that
everyone's laughing at me.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's off.
Yeah, it's off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My God, it's...it's neck-and-neck.

It is.

Yeah.
The winner is Ania Magliano!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ania wins!

Please, go up and gather up
all of your gorgeous gifts!

So, what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that,
no matter what happens,

no matter who it ha...
PHONE RINGS

So sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah. Phwoar.

Phwoar, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, defo.
Absolutely, yeah.

Later, though. I'm at work.

I told you.

You can't ring me at work.

THROATILY: Whoa!

Alex's mum.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But, more importantly,
let's celebrate our winner.

It's Ania!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media