All language subtitles for Rake.US.S01E03.Cancer.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

You're moving out
soon, right?

You're moving out?
Could you move out?

Where is my car?

Well, maybe you
shouldn't have pissed off
the mayor, huh?

You wanted to see me
about something, Dad?

It doesn't matter.
I'll get someone
else to do it.

Kee, this is my friend,
Bruce Mangan.

BROOKE: Help!
Call an ambulance!
A man has collapsed!

BEN: It was a stroke.
The next few days
are critical.

Roy,
how do you know Keegan?

I'm trying to
collect this $59,000
he owes my boss.

(GRUNTS)

Pay your debts.
Yeah.

Stay.

It's not every day
you get to see

the man who invented
the Stalefish go down.

I'm all-in.

KEEGAN:
(LAUGHING) He's in.

What's funny about it?

It's funny 'cause
I can see your tell.

I don't have a tell.

You do,
and it's a little bit
more of a girly tell

than I like in my
professional athletes.

Quit stalling
and play cards.
Okay.

All right, I'm all-in.
(LAUGHS)

I call your bluff,
Tony Hawk.

That's it! Boom!

Boom goes the dynamite!
Right there, I told you.

The Hawkman goes down!

Faster than a 1080
on a mega-ramp!

Boom! Boom! Boom!
(LAUGHS)

Oh, come on, come...
Hey, hey, sit down.

I went too far. I'm sorry.
You don't have a tell.

I'm outta here.

Tony, hey, I'll see
you Thursday night at
that auction, okay?

We'll raise money
for Finn's school.
It'll be great.

Uh, I have other plans.

What? No, my kid's
counting on you, Tony.

You're his favorite
skateboard legend.

He'll come back.
He'll come back.

Some people don't
know how to lose.
That's the problem.

This guy's been
cheating all night.

You been palming cards,
you little freak.

You're cheating.

You know who the
quietest people are?
Serial killers.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Right here.

Any of you guys
got a car?

Huh? I need
a ride downtown.

Come on, it's supposed to
be a gentleman's game.

We'll give you a ride.

No, I'm good.
Thanks.

Debbie wants a word.

Your loan's due,
$11,000.

I ran into a little bit
of a housing problem,

in that I don't have
any housing.

I'm taking care
of some other creditors.

I'm gonna pay you
every cent, Debbie,

every cent plus interest.

My aunt has an apartment
for rent in Echo Park.

Excuse me?
You settle there,

pay me first,
you get 5% off.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

No, no, that's...
That's very nice,

but I don't really
like to mix business
and living situations,

and I think
5%'s a little low.

Late payments pay
double interest.

What? No, no,
that's way out of line
with the market.

When your father
was in charge,

he was a reasonable man
with reasonable rates.

And now he's
in a nursing home,
which costs me a ton.

I thought you people
value your elders.

You're thinking
of the Japanese.

The Chinese
send their elders
to the suicide forest,

which happens
to be in Japan,

and it's where
my boys will take you
if I don't get my money.

Give me your watch.

You need collateral too?

No, I just want it.

Give her the watch.

Stick to your
payment schedule,

or my boys will smash
your pretty face in.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

CAROL: Okay, you look
very handsome today.

Greg, will you
please go tie
your brother's shoes?

Mwah.
I put snickerdoodles

in there for
both of you, okay?

Let's go.

All right.
Okay, come here.

You're the bravest
boys I know.

Have a great day.
I love you.

Hi, Carol.
How are you?

Hi. I'm great.
Thank you.

I made some
with no nuts.

I know Tommy doesn't
like crunchy things.

You are so sweet.

You know, I would
be happy to take
the boys for a sleepover

whenever you need a break.

Oh, I never need a break
from being their mom.

Every minute's a gift.

Mrs. Grady?
Officer.

You're under arrest
for fraud.

What... What?
I don't understand.

Did I forget to
sign a check?
Wait. Wait.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say
can and will be

held against you
in a court of law.

No, wait.
No, there must be
some mistake.

Look okay?
Yes.

We're gonna get a lot
of press on this case.

Nothing more
sympathetic than
representing a poor woman

who's being harassed
by an insurance company.

Kid doesn't have cancer.

(LAUGHS)

That's an inappropriate
joke, Leanne.

I've seen the tests.
That child is
perfectly healthy.

You can't fake
cancer, Leanne.

Carol used to work
at an oncologist's office.

She forged Bobby's
medical records
and insurance files

and then pocketed
the hundreds of
thousands of dollars

she got for his treatment,

not to mention the toys
from the police toy drive.

Well, obviously,

the hospital made
a terrible mistake,

which they're prone to do.

We'll have him
tested again.

This is the fourth test.

He can't be healthy.
He's bald.

My dad's bald.
He doesn't have cancer.

That's different.
He's a man.

Carol Grady is a pillar
of the community

who's being
persecuted by

a corrupt insurance company.

Can she still pay?

Yes, and she's waiting.

She's in there right now?

With your toiletries.

(GASPS) Mr. Deane,
thank goodness.

I hope you like
chocolate chip.

Oh, I do, I do, I do.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

You let her bring
the kid in here?
What's the problem?

You don't want
him to find out he
doesn't have cancer?

How long's
he been in there?

It's one thing
to be a cancerphobe,

but you realize
that fake cancer's

even less contagious
than real cancer?

He doesn't have any hair.

The disease is
in him somewhere,
and I need a new toothbrush.

'Cause this one has cancer?

You realize you have
to go back in there.

Thank you so much, Leanne.

Didn't want to upset
the little guy.

All this legal
mumbo-jumbo talk here,

but these tests show
that Bobby is cancer-free.

So we just are
gonna be needing some
sort of other explanation

for all these many,
many, many, many tests

you sent in to
the insurance company,

something, obviously,
other than...

Fraud.

I can't imagine how much
paperwork's involved.

Maybe it was
a filing error, right?

These new tests must mean
he's finally in remission.

Uh, actually,
these tests show that
Bobby never had cancer

or any treatment
for cancer,

which I'm guessing you knew
because you shaved his head,

rather than subject him
to chemotherapy

he didn't need or have.

Okay.

I don't know what
kind of people you
usually defend, Mr. Deane,

but I love my son,

and I'm hurt
that you'd accuse me
of faking his cancer.

The state's actually
the one doing the
accusing here, Mrs. Grady.

I'm just trying
to put together

a believable defense,
and I'd love
your help with that.

My defense is that
Bobby has cancer.

You can ask him yourself.

Or ask Greg
how hard it's been

to worry every day
about losing his brother.

It's really hard.

I mean, what kind
of crazy person

would fake
a child's illness

with sugar pills
and vitamin IVs?

Well, insanity
does seem like your
most viable defense.

I can't lose
my children, Mr. Deane.

Nothing's more important
than being there for my boys.

I understand.
I have a son

I'm pretty
involved with myself.

Uh...

That thing got
the time on it?

Uh, it's 10:30.

I'll talk
to the prosecution

and see if we can work
something out, okay?

You can show yourself
out of here. Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Oh, hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm Keegan Deane.
I'm Finn's dad.

Hi. I'm Stacy Mullen,
Finn's English teacher.

Nice to finally meet you.

I thought you said
you couldn't make it.

Something about
parent-teacher conferences

pandering to illiterates
who can't read report cards.

(LAUGHS)
It's a joke.

No, nothing more important
than being a good parent,

and that includes getting
to know Finn's teachers.

Well, I was just
telling Maddy

that Finn has
really mastered
the nuance of language.

They say that's genetic,

and I'm actually using
that very mastery

right now on
a high-profile case
here in Los Angeles.

I donated some
of Finn's old clothes to
that woman's cancer drive.

I'm thinking of asking
for them back

so I can donate them
to a real worthy cause.

Well, why don't you
do that, then, right now?

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Stacy and I will finish up
here with Finn.

Are you hungry?

Uh, I have another
conference coming in.

But I can talk to
you at the fund-raiser
on Thursday night.

Finn has been
telling everyone you're
bringing Tony Hawk

to auction off
a day with him
at his skate park,

and he's really excited.

Yeah, yeah, Tony's, uh,

less exciting in real life.

I can tell you, he's...

Can't get the air anymore

and tries to prove
how important he is by
randomly canceling plans,

so we'll see.

Um, you know,
the kids already

have set up
the half-pipe.

Well, they should set up
the whole damn pipe, then,

because he'll be there.

(CHUCKLES)
For me and for Finn.

He'll be there.

Great.

Well, then I will see you
both on Thursday.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's all.

It was great
talking to you.
Yeah, sure.

It was nice
to meet you both.

So you lost Tony?

Don't be ridiculous.

I think you should
worry more about
embarrassing your son

than impressing
his teacher.

When have I ever
embarrassed my son?

I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, Tony...
(SQUAWKING) Hawk!

What's up, hot dog?
Kee calling again.

Listen,
I'm just reminding you

of this auction
Thursday night, okay?

A lot of these
needy kids are counting
on you, as is my son,

so I know you wouldn't
hold it against me

for getting a lucky hand.
All right?

We'll go together,
play some poker afterwards.

SCARLET: This is why
the article is an important
part of speech.

Yeah? The "the"
In "The Four Seasons"

is how you know
it's the hotel, right?

And not the time of the year
when the weather changes.

Glad I caught
that little life lesson.

Oh.
How's Ben's dad doing?

Terribly.

Karma's a bitch.

Hey, don't let Ben
hear you say that, okay?

Okay, okay.
Listen, I need a little help
on that Carol Grady case.

(SCOFFS)
Lisa Humphrey's
the ADA on that.

Yeah, she won't
return my calls.

Because the mayor
still hates you.
Remember him?

It's her boss and mine,
as a matter of fact.

That's not my client's fault,
and I need to get her

an insanity plea so her kids
don't lose their mother.

The mother you just
said is insane?

Scarlet, the entire
therapeutic industry

is founded on the principle
that all mothers are insane.

Back me up, Zoe.
You love your
crazy mom, right?

Hey.
Hmm?

There will be
no guilty plea

until Carol gives
the money back.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Who's "Crazy Wendy"?

That is my auction co-chair,
the one who has been trying

to edge me out with
her agent husband's
high-priced donations.

(SCOFFS) I cannot
wait to make her
eat volcanic dirt

when Tony Hawk
goes for more than
her week in Kauai!

What is everybody's
obsession with this
school-auction thing?

You're a grown woman.

Save your
political backstabbing
energy for work.

SCARLET: Hey, Wendy.

KEEGAN: Look at that.
That's what I'm saying.

I got the bag, go ahead.

People's champion, Ali.

Can't dance like Ali.
More like Foreman.

(GRUNTING)
Damn, has Scarlet
seen this?

Wow, been taking
those peptides, baby.

Whoo!

You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.

My father's
gonna die, Kee.

Hey, you don't know that.

Yes, I do.
He's gonna die.

One day.
He has to, right?

Come on, Ben.

Unless I have him
cryogenically frozen.

That way,
we can drag his ass
into board meetings.

(LAUGHS)

Think anybody'd notice?

(LAUGHS)

(YELLING)

I can't do it!
I can't do it, Kee!

It's not like
I have a choice here,
but I can't do it!

Do what?

Be him!

All right, take it easy.

I'm next in line.

I have to take his chair,

and... And...
And I can't do it!

I... I just can't!

You can do it.
I can't!

I think you can!
Will you just please
listen to me?

I'm listening.

No one at the firm wants me
to take dad's chair.

No one.
I don't want to take it!

That's different.
Then don't.

I have to!

I have to.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You don't get it.
You really don't
get it, do you?

Yeah.
Do you really?

Not really, no.

(LAUGHS)
Come on.

Let's go talk about that
freezing option some more.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You got problems, man.

You got big problems.

I'm worried about you.
Come on.

If you're gonna live
in the office,

the least you could do
is pick up after yourself.

Touching your dirty
drawers is not part
of my job description.

You know,
that kind of
attitude, Leanne,

is why you're
still single.

I've been with Bevan
for two years.

Beaver?
Bevan.

And he picks up
his own boxers.

Listen, could you
get Tony Hawk's manager
on the phone for me?

I just spoke to him,
and he wants you to
stop calling his client.

He says Tony
doesn't forgive you,

and he doesn't consider
private-school kids needy.

But he did offer
to send Ian Ziering

or somebody called Heather

from a celebrity
diving show if you want.

No, school's got enough
D-level celebrities

without having
to bus 'em in.

Listen,
I promised Finn Tony.

It's your job
as my assistant

to make sure that
I come through for my son.

And I want you
to find out exactly
what Carol Grady did

with the excess
insurance money, all right?

What do you think
I've been doing all day?

Carol never deposited
any of the checks
into any account.

There's no trace of it,
but here's a radical idea.

Why don't you
ask her what she did
with the money?

Nah, nah, nah.
Wrong again, Leanne.

I got a better idea.

(CAR HORNS HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

Can I get
a ride to school?

Hello, Greg.
Remember me?

No, I'm his mom's attorney.
Don't look at me like that.

Can I talk to you before
your mom gets here?

(SIGHS) I bet it
sucks having to do

all this stuff for
your brother who's
not even sick, huh?

My brother has cancer.

Look, I know
you don't want to
hurt your mom, okay?

But if I'm going to
keep her out of prison,

I need you to
tell me where she hid
the insurance money.

It's the only shot
your family has
of staying together.

We're already together.

I just want
us to be normal.

With these players,
that's never gonna happen.

Look, normal's not
so great anyway, okay?

It's a word
boring people made up

to make the
interesting ones
feel less special.

(HORN HONKS)

Well, I'm not
special either.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you
talking about?

You think I'd be
hanging out here with
some run-of-the-mill kid?

You remind me
of my own son.

He's cool,
and he's smart.

He never wants
to disappoint me,

even though I...

Let him down
every now and then.

The point is,
you're the closest thing

your screwy family has
to a responsible adult, Greg.

I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to
convince your mother

to give the money back.

(SIGHS)

She spent it all.

What?

That was $318,000.
What the hell'd
she spend it on?

Hey, I know she's not
spending it on you.

Right?

Come on, Greg,
tell me what she
did with the money.

There's this place
she goes.

(SLOT MACHINES DINGING)

Hey, Kee.

How's it going?

I thought
you weren't welcome
around here anymore.

His bad checks
definitely aren't welcome.

I'm here on business.

Hey, if I was here to play,
it wouldn't be the slots.

It'd be a game of skill.

Go get your cage manager.
I need to talk to him.

Any game you play,
Kee, is cash only.

Okay.

(BELL RINGING)
(COINS RATTLING)

Ho!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Oh, is that... Yeah?
Business, huh?

Cash only.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, can I get
a copy of that picture
for the news outlets?

They use this
old shot of me.
It makes me look jowly.

Sure,
I'll just deduct it
from your winnings.

You want to charge me
for a picture of myself?

It's 20 bucks.

It's not the price.
It's the principle.

I shouldn't have to
pay for my own image.

Well, then go look
in the mirror, Kee.

How about your W-2s?

You got a principle
against paying taxes too?

I do.
In fact, I happen to be

in a protracted
court battle about it.

Doesn't pay for itself.

$15,538.

Congratulations.

Thank you.
Do me a favor, okay?

Hang my picture over there
between some of the older,

more unattractive winners.
That way, I'll really pop.

Oh, anybody
from the DA.'s office

been asking
about this woman?

DEBBIE: Kee.
What a surprise.

I think this
is the first time
you've called me.

Yeah.

It's how a gentlemen
should behave.

I'm a big believer
in chivalry.

Keep the change.

I will
when I get my payment.

I'll keep every penny

so I have more to
lend you for more money.

That's how I get rich
and you get poor.

I was talking
to the cab driver.

You called me
so I could listen to you
pay someone else?

You're sick, Kee.

This is why
I would never date you.

I didn't know that
was on the table,

but good news,
I have your money.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

I think the words
you're looking for are,
"Thank you, Keegan.

"I may not have wanted
to go out with you,

"but I was wrong
not to believe in you."

You don't understand women.

Where are you?
I'll send the boys.

No! I can't have
those ugly freaks over here

scaring my jury,
absolutely not.

You think my cousins
are ugly?

Uh...

Look, I got to go. Um...

Court is now in session!

Look, I'm getting
called in here.

I'll have your
cash tonight, okay?

And zero
family resemblance.

What the hell is
cancer kid doing here?

He doesn't have
cancer, remember?

That's where the
fraud charges come in.

Carol!
Mr. Deane.

I made my
special cream-cheese
brownies for good luck.

Get him out
of here right now.

Out!
Put him back in the car.

He needs to be with me...
His blood count.
Stop it!

Crazy time is over,
Carol, okay?

I know where
your money went.

Everybody knows
where your money went.

You're looking at 15 years.

The only glimpse
you'll have of these guys

is behind
a glass partition.

No insanity plea?
No.

Prosecution has
all the canceled checks.

They have everything.

No matter what
anyone says, I love you
both very much, okay?

Wait in the car
with your brother.

Make sure to tie
his shoes, please.

(SIGHS)

I have a problem.

Good news is,
I specialize in
this sort of problem.

Instead of teaching him
to ride a bike

or cheering him
on at Little League,

Carol Grady put her son
in a wheelchair

and told him
he had cancer.

You're so dead.

Maybe.
It'd be one thing
if she used the money

to pay her mortgage
or water bill or put
food on her table.

No one's gonna
find her innocent
of gambling it away.

I don't need them
to find her innocent.

I need them to
find her not guilty,

and she can't be guilty
if she's a victim.

Carol, try and act
more like a victim.

She shaved her son's head
and his eyebrows,

and she stole
his insurance money.

What are you doing
with your face?
Look at your hands.

Is this your casino's
stamp on the back

of the insurance checks
made out to Carol Grady?

Yup.

And do you see the person
who cashed these checks
in the courtroom?

Let the record show
he very quickly
identified the defendant.

For the record,
does your casino
have a pharmacy

or a radiology department

or any facility
for chemotherapy?

No.

So what did Carol
do with the money

she got from
the insurance checks?

She played the slots.

You knew when Carol Grady
was cashing those checks

that that the money
wasn't going

towards her son's medical
treatment, isn't that right?

Yeah, so?
I mean, welfare checks

are supposed to go
for rent, right?

I mean, it's not
my job to tell people
how to spend their money.

But since you charge
a fee to cash those checks,

you take the money
anyway, right, Joe?

Objection.
The casino's not on trial.

Maybe they should be,
Your Honor.

Sustained.

Okay, listen,
your records say
that you regularly send

a town car to
pick Mrs. Grady up
from her home?

Wow.
That was awfully nice.

It's a perk
for special clients.

Special clients
are the ones

that lose the most
money at the casino.

They're also
referred to as "whales."

It's okay,
I'll withdraw it.

Those hotel rooms
you got for Mrs. Grady,
those...

Those perks too, Joe?

We were just
concerned for her safety,

going home late at night.

He was concerned.
You were concerned?

'Cause it seems like,
when I look at these
W-2 forms here,

the only times you guys
were really worried

is when she had
big wins at your casino.

It's almost like you
wanted to keep her close

so she'd turn those
big wins into big losses.

Look, I'm running
a business, okay?

It's not my fault
she's a gambling addict.

You're right.
It's not.

All he did was
provide the addict

with the drug of choice.

Last time I checked,
drug dealing was a felony.

I think I'm starting to
win them over in there.

No, I'd say the four
mothers on the panel

would like to impose
the death sentence
by icy glare.

Everybody knows mothers
can't be trusted, Leanne.

I'm talking about
our people, the addicts.

Any group of 12
is gonna have a few
cokeheads in it, all right?

It's gonna have some drunks.

I can't win this case
on the facts.

I need to get
someone on the jury

to care more about
Carol Grady than they
do about the evidence.

Fine. Back I go
into the elevated

and divine world
of social media.

Hey!
How's your case going?

(KEEGAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

Did that woman really
shave her child's head?

No, don't bring up
the bald kid.

Tell me.
Cancer kills my mood. Don't.

But you like
shaved things.

Not heads.
Tell me.

Is she evil
or insane or both?

It's got to be
both, right?

Because evil is a branch
of insanity, right?

If you're got to talk trash,
at least talk dirty trash.

Come on.

Hello, there, Keegan.

Jules, give us
20 minutes, okay?

Where's my money, Kee?

I thought you said
you wrote him a check.

I don't take
his checks, honey.

And I don't like my girls
to debase themselves
with money talk.

Keegan knows he has
a 10-session credit limit,

which is
incredibly generous,

considering I only give
the governor five.

It's disrespecting me
to keep playing
without paying.

Jules, I would never
want to disrespect you.

Then I'll just take
what I'm owed.

Why do you have
your boxers on?

Uh, seduction requires
a little mystery, all right?

Works for me.

It also requires cash,
at least five sessions' worth.

And don't waste
my time telling me
that you don't have it.

What's that bulge
in your pocket?

This is, um...

This... Oh.

Hello!

Look, I...

I happen to have some
money right now, yes,

but this is owed to a very
violent predatory lender.

I can be very violent too.

All right.

Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS)

You like
a little mystery, huh?

What can I say?

I'm a sucker for
a man in boxers.

Oh, yeah?

See what I do
with my pants on, then.

(LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey.
Hey.

How are you?
Good.

My dad,
he's the one who got him.

Yeah.
(LAUGHS)

English, right?

Keegan Deane. Finn's father.
Parent-teacher conferences?

Right. Yes, of course.
You came in late.

Never had a teacher
like you made it
worthwhile to be prompt.

Mmm.

You know, the kids
are so excited

about Tony Hawk coming.

He's a real
inspiration to them.

He's a skateboarder.

Grown men on tiny wheels,
turning tricks.

I don't know.

Tonight feels like
it should be about
the real heroes,

people like you,
who shape minds and futures.

Where are the heroes?

Neil Armstrong,
Einstein...

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Yeah, I think the kids
want someone alive.

I'm a strong believer
in not giving the kids

everything they want,
Miss Mullen.

Oh, well, in that case,
maybe they should auction

a day in the
halls of justice
with Keegan Deane.

I like the way
your mind works.

Hi. Miss Mullen.

Hey, Miss Mullen.
Oh, hey.

Finn, your father
was just telling me

how he's putting himself up
as an auction prize.

Uh-oh. Wow.

I can't wait to see
how much that goes for.

How much what goes for?

Kee. He's offering
himself off as a prize.

Oh! Really?
(LAUGHS)

Where's Tony?

Uh, he'll be here.

He's gonna call me
when he's downstairs.
Okay.

Being prompt
is not his strong suit.

Scarlet.
Hi.

I think it's time
to start the auction.

Everyone, this is Wendy,
my auction co-chair.

Ah, Wendy,
from the Kauai prize.

Yep.

Ah, now that's
an auction prize.

(LAUGHING)
I just can't wait
to meet Tony.

What's he like?

He's late.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Actually... Tony?

Hey!

Where the hell are you?

Still emphatically
not coming, I'm afraid.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You're already at
the auction, aren't you?

I am here at the auction

right now, yes.

Oh, do that thing
where you put your hand
on your forehead.

Oh, God.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

This isn't about you.
You didn't do anything wrong.

Just...
No, no, no, no.
This isn't your fault.

Stop that.

I am the
last thing you should
worry about, Tony.

Don't think that way.
Just...

Okay. Bye.

(SIGHS)

Cut the music.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Tony Hawk will
not be here tonight.

(CROWD GROANS)

Tony Hawk is dealing
with some personal issues.

I'm sure many
of you can imagine

the sort of brutal pressures
he's had to endure

as a celebrity
skateboard person...

Pressures that
have taken him
to some pretty...

Challenging places.

This is my fault.

I thought he was better.

I thought he was healthy,
and so I pushed him
to come here tonight.

I pushed him
for this school
that we all love.

But it was too soon.

If you want to
be disappointed...

You want to be mad,
be mad at me.

Nobody blames
Tony Hawk tonight.

Tony Hawk doesn't
deserve your blame.

Tonight.

He deserves
your prayers.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

As compensation,

I will make
a $500 bid on...

$1,000 bid
on whatever the
next item is.

Hope it's Kauai.

$1,000, right?

SCARLET: We have $1,000
from Mr. Keegan Deane.

Do I hear $2,000?

Oh, come now,
ladies and gentlemen.

We are all here
to support our children.

We are.
Open your hearts

and your pocketbooks
tonight, folks.

That's what this
night's all about.

Especially since we don't
have Tony Hawk anymore.

$1,800.

SCARLET: $1,800.
There we go.

That's wonderful.
Do I hear $2,000, folks?
Come on.

Oh, come on,
ladies and gentlemen.

$1,800?

That's an insult to
children's charities
everywhere.

Ha.
Kee, you remember Bruce.

Hi, Bruce.
Still juicing?

Yeah. Dad, his moves
are the best.

$2,000.

SCARLET: $2,000.
Excellent.

$3,000.

$3,000.
That's more...

$4,000.
$5,000!

Baby, what are you doing?

I'm serious
about you, Maddy.

$8,000.

MADDY: You don't even
know what you're buying.

$8,000 from Mr. Deane.

For the kids.

You can't afford $8,000.

$9,000!

$9,000,
going once, going twice...

$10,000.

$10,000.

Done enough, Kee.
Anyone else?

Ten thousand...

One hundred dollars.

$100, Maddy?

This is what you want
sleeping in our bed,
influencing our kid?

Hey.
Listen...

You don't have to
get into a pissing
contest with Keegan

just to prove
you're serious.

Hey...

SCARLET: Going twice.

$12,000.

$12,000.

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold.

To Mr. Keegan Deane.

A record-breaking $12,000.

Who has won

this adorable bench.

Made by our wonderful
third-grade class.

We're going to need that
in cash, Mr. Deane.

Thank you.
Yes, of course.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Number 10 liked a page

with bulk discounts
on nicotine patches.

Juror number six has
a blog that's hugely popular
with bird-watchers.

And from what
I could gather,

number 11's been
on the master cleanse

for considerably more days
than recommended.

Everything social media
had to offer.

Ms. Humphrey,
are you ready to present
your closing argument?

Thank you, Your Honor.

(SNORTS)

Sorry.
It's not about you.

Number four?
Mmm-hmm.

Carol Grady shaved
her son's head.

Prosecution over here
would like you to believe
that Carol Grady

is a heartless,
razor-wielding monster.

But before
you pass judgment,

what would the prosecution
say about all of you?

After all,
you're addicts too, right?

Maybe you think you got
your problem beat,

'cause you quit smoking.

That patch helps,
doesn't it?

But it says right there
on the package,

"Using more than
one strip at a time

"can cause nicotine
poisoning or death."

Why would anybody
risk death

for an extra piece
of skin-toned tape?

'Cause you're an addict.

Everybody knows
how dangerous it is

to blog and drive,
don't they?

Especially if
you're near a school.

But when you happen
to see a rare yellow
warbler up in the tree,

you can't help yourself.

Grab that phone and...
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Snap it,
'cause you're an addict.

Maybe you starve yourself

with some no-calorie
juice concoction,

add a little vodka
to your coffee every
now and then,

or collect deeply disturbing
German scat porn.

It's okay.

We all have something
we can't resist.

I'm no different
than the rest of you.

It doesn't make us
bad people.

It makes us addicts,

just like Carol Grady.

You're probably thinking,
"We don't shave
our kids' heads."

Only by the grace of God,
because we don't have a casino

exploiting our addiction
for a profit.

Could you stick
to your diet

if a doughnut truck
showed up to your house?

Carol made bad decisions
because she couldn't resist.

None of us could,
because we're...

ALL: Addicts.

Addicts, that's right.

Carol Grady's
not a criminal.

You want to know
who's guilty?

Ask yourself who's got
all the insurance money.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Good news.
Your mom doesn't
have to go to prison.

Are you going back
to that other place?

No. I'll even
give Mr. Deane

my Frequent Gamblers
card to prove it.

I'll take that,
for all our sakes.
Okay.

Bobby, what's wrong?
Didn't you hear
the good news?

You don't
have cancer, kid.

It means
you're gonna live.

People aren't gonna be
afraid of you anymore.

Yeah, I'll be just
like everyone else.

Who's still better than
any eight-year-old I know.

Well, I told
the bailiff I'd give
him my blondie recipe.

So...

Greg, will you tie
your brother's shoes
and put him into the van?

You can tie your own shoes
and walk yourself.

You hairless little freak.

Thanks, Mr. Deane.

KEEGAN: Guys.

Hey, Debbie!

I just want to say
I don't have the cash.

But I do have access
to a pretty cool bench.

It just sold at
auction for $12,000.

Consider the extra
$1,000 a gift.

I don't like benches.

Okay, all right.

Guys, this isn't
necessary, okay?

We can settle this
up down here on
the sidewalk, all right?

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

This feels
a little dramatic.

DEBBIE:
It's a great deal.

Very nice shower,
room for two.

I was hoping for
a little more closet space.

You'll take it.

Debbie,
you can't force somebody

to live somewhere
against their will.

It's called
false imprisonment,

and it's punishable
by real imprisonment.

Hmm. Well, so is
breaking someone's legs.

I could arrange that instead,
but I'd rather get my money.

Matchmakers are expensive,
and your watch is crap.

Not every day
you got a restaurant
downstairs, you know?

Open for breakfast?

Yes.
How much?

$800, everything included.

(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)

I mean $1,600.
Same thing, right?

No.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

My aunt thinks
you're attractive.

Thanks, but I learned
my lesson about
sleeping with landlords.

Unless it would knock
the rent back down to $800.

You're disgusting.
I'm joking.

You're gonna have to
have a sense of humor

if you're gonna
make it out there
in the dating scene.

Am I right, guys? Right?

You got it?
Yep.

Oh!
Sorry.

How'd a bunch of
third graders get this
out of their classroom?

I don't understand
why you bought it.

That's a new low,
even for you.

No, it's a new high.
Didn't you hear
your principal?

In here.

They said I set a record
for supporting the school.

Um...

Well, just put it
here for now.

It beats Tony Hawk, huh?

It's not even comfortable.

Well, it's art.

It's supposed to
make you uncomfortable.

(SIGHS)

It beats Capoeira lessons.

All right. Come on, Dad,
why do you have to say that?

Bruce, he's a nice guy.

I'm sure he is.

Your mother always
had good taste in men.

I just want that
father-and-son stuff

to be our stuff,
you know?

For you and me.

In fact, I got you, um...

Keys to the man cave.

Come on over
anytime you want.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah,
they say Echo Park's
the new Silver Lake.

So...

Got a little Chinese
restaurant downstairs.

You hungry?

Yeah.

I'll buy you dinner.
Come on.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Hey, I know a professional
unregistered lender

who'd be happy to spot you.

Kee, good to see you!

Hi, Tony.

A little awkward over
that school-auction business,

but I'll tell you what...
We're cool, all right?

No, we're not.
I was lying.

I never want
to see you again, Kee.

That's why I had you
and your family banned

from all my skate parks
and my roller coaster.

Banned? What am I
supposed to tell my kid,

that his idol
can't take a joke?

Tell him that
his dad's a dick.

This is not
like you, Tony. Huh?

You started
a whole foundation to
celebrate individuality

and give kids
a healthy competitive edge.

I don't think
you want to throw away

all that good
sportsmanship now.

For you, it's worth it.

I can be a bad sport, too.

Let's play.