Original subtitles

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah,

pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah doo-doo-doo, wah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, wah.

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah.

Good evening, Mr. Cervantes.

Buenos tardes, Senora.

In the first place, Mr. Cervantes, I am not a Senora.

Senorita.

And in the second place, I would

be much obliged if you would speak English in this school.

S'all right.

And another thing, Mr. Cervantes,

there is no such word in the English

language as s'all right.

Correct terminology is it is all right,

or it's all right, or even just all right.

Do you understand?

S'all right.

I give up.

What ever is the matter?

I'm going to be sick.

Well, not here, I hope.

My stomach, she's downside up.

Well, for heaven sake, why don't you go see a doctor.

I am going tonight after lessons.

Oowie.

Hey, amigo, would you like a cigar?

No, no thank you.

You are not yourself tonight.

Of course, he is himself.

Who else could he be?

Su-Lee means something is wrong.

She's right.

Oh.

What is it, Juan?

I am going to be sick.

Holy ravioli.

You change your religion.

Ow.

Hey, the Pope's not going to like that.

I am welcome you like a brother.

But first, you must be wearing the turban.

Now, what's the matter?

You're all crazy.

I have sick in my stomach.

Pardon, pardon.

I am going to see if I have fever.

In Japan we take all temperature

from different place.

We not put thermometer in mouth.

I am no not want to know where you be put thermometer.

- We put under. - Oh.

Good evening, class.

Come on.

In your place, everybody.

Thank you.

Oh, something the matter, Juan?

What?

He's say he's not feeling very well.

Oh, really?

What's wrong?

Sorry, what did you say?

He's say stop asking the stupid questions.

He's got a thermometer in his mouth.

Have you got a temperature?

What?

Momento, huh?

Hot tomale.

What is it?

I am dead.

Don't be ridiculous.

See.

I have no temperature.

You're looking at the wrong end.

Ah.

S'all right.

What is it?

98.4.

I have died.

That's normal.

Eh, Maybe at the moment that's not working.

Yes, it is.

And up to now, it's the only thing that's

working in this classroom. Now, sit here.

Eh, you tell me I was sick.

Sit down.

Now, you failed your Lower Cambridge

Certificate examination once.

And I don't want a repetition of that at the end of this term.

So tonight, I'm going to ask each of you

to pick one of the 10 subjects I have written on the blackboard.

And then I shall ask your questions on them.

Pretty straightforward, music, British history,

the Royal Family, poetry, Shakespeare, et cetera.

All right?

Now, who is going to start the ball rolling?

We are not having a ball to be rolling anyway.

All right, Ali, just for that, you can start.

Now, which subject do you pick?

Oh, blimey.

The television.

Television, right.

Who is known as the father of television?

Eamonn Andrews.

Logie Baird.

Oh, blimey.

I'm seeing him last night with his little friend, Boo Boo.

That's Yogi Bear.

I'm talking about Logie Baird, the man

who invented television.

Sorry, please.

How much is a television license?

I'm not knowing.

I never buy one.

I hope you realize you can get into serious trouble

for not having a license.

Please, tell me something.

That money for licenses is for BBC, yes?

Then I'm jolly OK.

I only watch ITV.

It doesn't work that way, Ali.

You still need a license.

Now, Anna, which subject would you like?

The Royal Family.

The Royal Family, right.

Who is the Prince of Wales?

Harry Secombe.

Prince Charles.

Oh, yeah.

Which recent King of England was never crowned?

Edward.

Good.

Max, pick a subject.

British politics.

British politics, right.

What-- where does the term Gladstone bag come from?

Mrs. Gladstone.

No.

Gladstone bag is the name given to a bag made

popular by one of our prime ministers,

William Ewart Gladstone.

Sorry, boss.

I'll ask you another.

What function does the mace have in the House of Commons?

They have the mace--

Yes.

--to eat the cheese.

That's mice.

Maybe I pick another subject.

Maybe you just sit down.

OK.

Danielle, let's see which subject you prefer.

I prefer the subject of love.

Whoa.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

But that is not written on the board.

So would you please pick one that is written down?

OK.

Shakespeare.

Shakespeare, right.

Who was Shakespeare's wife?

Mrs. Shakespeare.

Very clever, but what was her maiden name?

I do not know.

Anne Hathaway.

Can you name three of the plays Shakespeare wrote?

"Romeo and Juliet."

Good.

"As You Like It."

One more.

I do not know any more.

Well, I'll give you a clue.

"King--"

Kong.

"--Lear."

Taro--

Ah, so.

Which subject do you choose?

Poetry.

Poetry, right.

Who wrote, "Upon Westminster Bridge?"

Not know.

But seems funny play to write.

It's a poem by Wordsworth.

I'll ask you another.

Who wrote "To a Field Mouse?"

Sounds like a man who is crazy in head.

It was written by Robert Burns over 200 years ago.

Jamila, pick a subject. - The Bible.

The Bible, right.

Who was Sampson?

Victor Mature.

I beg your pardon?

He was being telly last week in film.

Never mind the film.

Who was he historically?

Ah, gotcha.

He was man who was be very strong.

One night, he has be fancy a bit of hanky-panky

with woman Delilah.

So he is be hanky-pankying.

And she is be ask him how he is be very strong.

And he is speak to her it is in his long hair.

So one night when he is be fast asleep,

she is be give him shorty back and sides.

And then he is wake.

He is be take prisoner and blinded.

But when his hair is be grow long again,

he is be pull down palace.

Is that the authorized version?

It is what I be see on telly.

Thank Jamila.

Giovanni.

Si, professori.

Would you pick a subject, please?

Music.

Right, music, give me something

from "The Pirates of Penzance."

I never heard of them.

Are they are punk or a rock group?

"The Pirates of Penzance" is one of the Savoy operas

by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Oh, I really like him.

Who?

Gilberto Sullivan.

I'm talking about Gilbert and Sullivan.

OK.

Any more? - Yes.

What can you tell me about Handel's "Largo?"

Not much.

I never drink the stuff.

Silence.

Your lack of general knowledge is no laughing matter.

Ranjeet, it's your turn.

Pick a subject.

The British Is-less.

Isles.

Right.

What is the capital of England?

E.

I'll rephrase that.

What is the capital city of England?

London.

Correct.

Can you name three English counties?

Oh, deary me.

I am not knowing any English counties.

Not one?

No.

The only county I am knowing is the county of Monte Cristo.

That's Count.

Thousand apologies.

Fine, thank you.

Su-Lee, your subject, please?

Only two left.

British history.

Right.

Was known as the Black Prince?

Mohammad Ali.

Quiet.

Edward, the son of Edward III. - Very sorry.

All right, who invented the cotton spinning machine?

Chang Hoi Fang.

Wrong.

Sir Richard Arkwright.

Your Richard Arkwright copy invention from Hoi Fang.

Just as all Western imperialist steal invention

from Chinese scientist.

China first to invent telephone, television, radio,

refrigerators, and discovered penicillin, radium,

and lots of other things.

Rubbish.

No.

China not invent rubbish.

No, some of them just talk it. Juan.

Si, Senor. I pick subject.

Yeah, well, there's-- there's only

one left.

It's Hobson's choice.

Not Hobson's choice, British custom.

Well, that's what I meant.

Do you know anything about British custom?

Ah, plenty, plenty.

Oh, good.

First you'll have green or red.

Green or red what?

British custom.

Do you have something to declare, you go in the red.

Nothing to declare, green.

No, Juan.

Si, I know.

No, the question is not

about those sort of customs.

It means the things that we British

do that are peculiar to us.

Ah, speak English.

There's a little more than that one.

I'll give you an example.

November the 5th, Guy Fawkes Day,

is something we celebrate only in Britain.

Ah.

Any more?

There's afternoon tea, cricket, the boat race.

Good, good.

Any more?

Bob-a-job week, Chelsea Fair-- look, I'm supposed

to be asking you the questions.

Haha.

S'all right.

What is it?

Ai, terrible pain in my stomach.

Oh, right.

JUAN CERVANTES : Ai, ai, ai, ow.

Su-Lee would you nip down and--

I'm sorry.

Would you run along and ask Mrs. Foster to come

and have a look at Juan? - Right now.

Yeah, well, lie on the table.

It might ease. Go on.

There you go.

Oh, Blimey, he's not looking very well.

I'm dying.

Juan, so don't be so pessimist.

Eh, professori is right.

You're going to be okey-cokey.

Where is the patient?

Oh, Mrs. Foster.

Where does it hurt?

Stomach, stomach, owie.

Better get him to the hospital.

I think that this man has appendicitis.

Are you sure?

Mr. Brown, I was a senior sister for several years.

If this man does not attended to very quickly,

it could prove fatal.

Any sign of Mr. Brown yet, Sidney?

Beg your pardon?

Mr. Brown.

Oh, Mr. Brown.

Oh, no, he's not back yet.

This is most inconvenient.

I don't know why he had to go to the hospital

with Mr. Cervantes.

Well, somebody had to go with him.

I come back.

Don't tell me they've taken your appendix out already.

Eh, not have operation.

No necessary.

Oh, so you didn't have appendicitis after all.

No, pain was caused by tortilla.

Well, that sounds serious.

What Is it?

Too much eating.

Pardon, pardon.

And where is Mr. Brown?

He no come back.

What do you mean he no come back?

When we leave the hospital, we come down the step.

And Mr. Brown, he missed just one step, and he break his leg.

How could he possibly break his leg

if he only missed one step?

Step he missed, top step.

There you are, nurse.

How's everything going?

Very well, sister.

Good.

Did you remember to give Mr. Parker his blanket bath?

I gave them all a blanket bath.

All?

Have I done something wrong?

Blanket baths are for those patients

who cannot bath themselves.

They all seemed to enjoy it, especially Mr. Brown.

It was lovely.

I'm sure it was.

I should think you set him back at least a couple of weeks.

I was only doing my best.

Well, in future, can you remember that you are a student

nurse, not a geisha girl?

Sorry, sister.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Jones is back from surgery.

We have three Mr. Jones in this ward.

What is his initial?

- Jones, W. - Good.

I'll go and have a look at him.

Is there anything you fancy?

Yeah, but I don't think Sister would approve.

Oh, cheeky.

Do you want a bottle?

Oh, I couldn't have light ale, could I?

Not that sort of bottle.

Ah, no thanks.

Not until I've had the light ale, anyway.

You're not getting it.

I know.

But it's worth a try.

Oh, do you know when I'll be discharged?

Probably tomorrow.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

I can't wait to get back to my students.

Ugh.

Shudder to think what they're doing without me.

Come along, now.

Settle down.

Now, I intend to find out how you are

coming along with your English.

We are learning very much the well English.

That's right.

I speak-a the English so good, nobodies

knows that I'm Italian.

I find that very hard to believe.

You see? Even you don't know.

Silence.

Now, I am going to ask you some general questions

on everyday topics.

First of all, can anyone tell me what the first day of the week

is?

Sunny-day.

No, it is not Sunny-day.

Rainy-day?

Sunday.

Repeat it, please.

It, please.

Repeat the word Sunday.

Sunday.

Mr. Nadim, name me two seasons.

Salt and pepper.

Those are seasonings.

Now, give me the names of two of the seasons of the year.

Oh, deary me.

Anybody?

Springtime.

Spring time.

Spring time.

Now, Mr. Nadim, what comes after springtime?

Holiday time.

Summertime.

Jolly good.

Mr. Cervantes--

Si, Senora?

What do the letters AC mean?

Por favor?

What does AC mean?

Four.

AC has nothing to do with four.

Sure.

AC spade, AC heart, AC diamond, AC the other one.

AC means alternating current.

Ah, perdon.

Mr. Papandrious.

Yes, Miss Courtney?

I don't suppose you can give me the name

of any other sort of current?

Sure, black current.

I am talking about electricity.

AC is Alternating Current, DC is Direct Current.

OK.

Mr. Nagazumi.

Ah, so.

What would it signify if I said

you were a dog in the manger?

Would seem you're crazy in the head.

I beg your pardon?

I am mano, not doggo.

You are also rather stupid.

Miss Schmidt.

Yeah?

You are on a train going to Glasgow.

Why am I going to Glasgow?

It doesn't matter why.

You want to sleep on the train.

What would you ask for?

A bed.

You would have a berth in the sleeping car.

Nein.

Beg your pardon?

How can I have a birth when I'm not pregnant?

Are you serious?

Ya.

I save myself for when I meet Mr. Right.

For your information, Miss Schmidt,

a berth, B-E-R-T-H, is the name given

to a bed on a ship on a train.

You must think I'm very stupid.

That is the most sensible remark I have

heard in this classroom so far.

Mademoiselle, Favre.

Oui, oui, Mademoiselle Courtney?

Where is St. Paul's?

St. Paul's what?

St. Paul's Cathedral.

I do not know.

It's somewhere in London, I think.

It is near Ludgate Circus.

Have you ever been to Ludgate Circus?

No.

But I have been to Billy Smart's Circus.

You're all hopeless.

Doesn't anybody know anything?

Yes, please.

I am knowing lots of things.

Are you?

Absolutely.

Do you know what a Philistine is?

Most certainly.

It is medicine that is fortifying the over-40s.

It is nothing of the sort.

Thousand apologies.

You on all Philistines.

Oh, no. I am Pakistan.

And I'm--

Go to tea.

Hey, Giovanni, say, you get me a cup of tea.

And I go and phone hospital to see how is Mr. Brown.

OK,.

S'all right.

Men's Orthopedic Ward.

Sister King.

Hello?

Hello.

Would you please tell me how is Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown?

Could I have the Christian name, please?

Sure.

Juan.

Juan?

Is he Spanish?

No, no, no, no, no.

I am Spanish.

Juan is Spanish for John, isn't it?

Si, Senora.

Will you hold on a moment, please?

JUAN CERVANTES : Si, si.

Brown, John.

Are you a relative? - No, no.

Just a friend.

Well, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.

You mean, Mr. Brown is worst?

He had a heart attack during the night.

How sad tamale.

You mean Mr. Brown is dead?

Good morning, Sidney.

Good morning, Miss Courtney.

It's very sad about Mr. Brown.

Isn't it?

Terrible.

I though you might have gone to the funeral this morning.

No.

I got far too upset.

I know what you mean.

It's so tragic, taken so young.

It's terrible.

Good morning, Sid.

Morning, Mr. Brown.

Help!

Miss Courtney!

Miss Courtney!

What is going on?

What are you doing?

You're dead.

What do you mean?

Nobody told me about it.

It is you, isn't it?

It is you?

Yes, of course, it's me.

Well-- what's his name, the Spanish fellow,

he found out you was through And they said you was brown bread.

- Brown bread? - Dead.

Oh, dead.

Well, I can assure you I am very much alive.

Then whose funeral

have the students gone to?

Oh.

Juan, boys.

Mr. Brown is trying to get through to us.

Giovanni!

I heard it as well.

Spiritus sancti.

Anna!

Max!

Hey, it's the boss.

Hey!

Senor Brown.

What are you all doing here?

You're off the plane!

You're living!

Yes.

Praise be to Allah.

Taro glad that you not dead.

Thank all-- you.

Thank you.

Then ,, who is be man in coffin?

Well, I expect it's another Mr. Brown.

We must be making big celebration.

Yeah.

Why we not go to the pub?

- Yeah,. - I'll second that.

- Hey, I push you. - Hey, no.

I push the professor. - No, I push.

Listen you.

I pushed him here, and I'll push him--

Help!

Move out of the way.

I can't stop.

Look out!

Ah, beuenos tardes.

- Go away. - Heh.

You don't mean that.

You want to bet?

Eh, we bring you some flowers.

Oh, Juan, you shouldn't have spent money on flowers for me.

I no spend money.

We already bought them for your funeral.

Hey!

Hey!

And so we bring some flowers for you.

Come on, everybody.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah--

pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo.

Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, wah.

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, doo-doo-doo, wah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah, pah, pah-pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah, pah.