Original subtitles

Hey, hello, Sid.

Hello, lads.

Hey, what's all this?

It's a bird.

Go on.

I could it's not an elephant.

Don't be stupid, Sid.

You can't get an elephant in a cage.

I think he makes the joke.

Oh.

What sort of a bird is it, then?

A cocka-three.

Beg pardon?

A cocka-three.

Cocka-three?

Hey.

You're one cocka too many.

It's a cocklee-two.

Cockatoo.

Oh, you mean it's a parrot.

That's right, yeah.

What are you going to call this parrot, then?

Polly.

That's original.

Ah, Gladys.

Just who we want to see.

Oh?

Well if it's tea on tick you're after, forget it.

No, no, no, no.

Look.

We just bought the bird and we want to leave it with you.

How do you want it cooking?

We don't want it cooking.

It's our new pet.

Oh, well, how was I to know?

People eat anything these days.

Look, we just wanted to look after it

until we finish class, OK?

Yes, all right.

Put it behind the counter.

OK.

Enter.

Thank you, your ladyship.

Evening, Sidney.

Hello, Mr. Brown.

Have a good weekend?

Lousy.

Got the mother-in-law staying with us.

And you get on well with her, then?

She's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter,

and I've never forgiven her for letting me.

Do you know, last night, was only one thing

to stop me putting my head in the gas oven?

What was that?

We're all electric.

Oh, cheer up, Sid.

Remember, when you feel things can't be worse,

they can only get better.

That's true, true.

I suppose you she has got to pop off sometime.

Ah, good evening, Danielle.

Ah, bonsoir Mr. Brown.

You're just the man I'm wanting.

Me?

Yes, can you help me?

Well, I'll do my best.

I have the big problems.

Yeah, well I'm afraid I can't do much about those.

No, not that problem.

Oh, sorry.

My life, she's a mess-up.

Is she? I mean, is it?

What sort of a mess-up?

I tell you.

Last month I met this boy.

Ah, an affair of the heart.

This boy, Pierre, he keeps writing to me.

Yeah?

He's a foreigner?

No.

He's French.

To me, he's a--

Never mind, go on.

Henri has find the letters.

Oh, the plot thickens.

I not like a jealous man.

- Pierre? - No.

Oh, Henri?

Marcel.

He works with Henri at the consular.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.

Who is Marcel jealous of, Pierre or Henri?

Emil.

I shouldn't have asked.

There's another thing.

He keeps telephoning me.

Who?

Pierre, Henri, Marcel, or Emil?

Jean-Paul.

I've heard of safety in numbers,

but this is ridiculous.

They're all after the one thing.

My body.

That's all they're after.

Well, you must just try and discourage them.

Oh, no.

I like it.

I see Pierre, Monday.

Henri, Tuesday.

Marcel, Wednesdays.

Emil, Thursdays.

And Jean-Paul, Fridays.

That is my problem.

What is?

My Saturdays and Sundays.

They are so dull.

Mr. Brown?

Ah, good evening, Emma.

You are busy?

No, no, no.

We've just finished.

Good.

I have an problem.

Oh, not another one.

Who is it?

Hans, Karl, Wilhelm, or Adolf?

No, it is my homework.

Oh, sorry.

Your question is asking what is correct address

for member of Parliament.

Yes.

I do not know where any members of Parliament

are living.

No, the question means how do you address them?

What you call an MP.

Ah, I don't know that either.

Right honorable.

Jawohl.

They want me to write it on the blackboard?

No, not W-R-I-T-E. R-I-G-H-T, right.

- Right? - Right.

Right.

Right.

Open the door, you common chicken.

Go away, you take-away.

Ali, what is going on?

It is Ranjeet.

What is the matter with him?

Oh, blimey.

He has gone oranges.

Oranges?

Yes, miss.

You mean bananas.

Jolly good.

Not opening this door, I am breaking it down.

- Ali, unlock the door. - Oh, no.

I'm not unlocking the door.

Right, well if you won't unlock it, I will.

I have been warning you.

Now I am coming in.

Ranjeet, what is the meaning of this?

The meaning is--

some damn fool is opening the door just as I'm charging in.

Mr. Brown opened the door.

Thousand apologies.

All right, come over here, Ali.

Now what is all this about?

That barbarian is calling me a hairy goat.

Is this true, Ali?

Yes, please.

But this infidel is calling me the son of a cross-eyed camel.

Not true.

I am calling him an illegitimate son of a cross-eyed camel.

Yeah, well it's not good enough.

Ah.

You want me to be calling him something worse.

I don't want anybody calling anybody anything.

Whatever your differences are, kindly leave

them outside the courtroom.

Now sit down, the pair of you.

Come on.

Ah, Taro.

Arsehole.

Did you have a good weekend?

Spend all weekend reading book-oh by Charles Dickens-oh.

Which book-oh were you reading-oh--

Which book were you reading?

- Oliver Twist. - Really?

Do you understand most of the words?

I understand all words.

What, even the old English?

No old English words in my book.

Ah, must have been a revised edition.

No, no.

Japanese edition.

I thought it was too good to be true.

Good evening, Masterji.

Still knitting away?

Oh, no.

I am the knit cardigan.

What I meant was--

You misunderstood what I was saying.

And you are been misunderstood what I am be knit.

Why don't we just forget the whole thing.

Good evening, Su-Lee.

Not good for me.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I have lost my little red book.

Oh good.

I mean, bad luck.

I look everywhere, but not find it.

Does this mean you won't be treating us

to any of the honorable Chairman's quotations?

Oh no. Know quotations by heart.

Chairman Mao, he say, in every process--

Yes, thanks Su-Lee.

We know--

Ciao, everybody.

- Only just made it. - Sorry, boss.

We've had things to do.

That's right.

We just got a fantastic bird.

Really?

This bird have a name?

Sure.

Polly.

In future, kindly refer to her as Polly, and not as a bird.

Okey cokey.

She's going to be very good company for us at night.

Us?

What do you mean, us?

We're going to share her.

One night, she sleeps with me.

Another night, she sleeps with Maxi.

I don't think I want to hear anymore.

Why?

You not like birds?

Well, let's just say I don't like sharing them.

Hey, I fix something for you.

You give me a fiver, we go get you a bird.

Sure.

What color you want?

What color is yours?

Mostly red, with a blue neck and a green breast.

Ah.

Penny's dropped.

Where?

Polly is a parrot.

Well, that's right.

What you think she is, an elephant?

It doesn't matter. Sit down.

What about the penny?

Ignore the penny.

Buenos tardes.

Juan, you're late.

Por favor?

Never mind por favor.

You should have been here five minutes ago.

Why?

What happened?

Quiet, quiet.

Silencio!

Thank you.

It's all right.

Why are you late?

I tell you.

My boss where I work, he told me about the horse that was going

to win the big race tomorrow.

Very clever horse.

Talking horse.

Juan, horses don't talk.

Si, se or.

He told me get the tip straight from the horse's mouth.

That's just a racing term.

It's all right.

Then he tell me to put my shirt on horse.

- You didn't? - Nah.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

My shirt wouldn't fit the horse.

Silence!

I bet 10 pounds to win on the horse.

Juan, 10 pounds is a lot of money.

You could lose. - No lose.

Tomorrow, I'll be plenty rich.

There's no such thing as a certainty.

Si, se or.

My horse is sure to win.

How do you know?

Ah, you see.

I tell you.

Big race starts 2 o'clock. So, right?

Yes.

Book-maker, he tell me my horse starts at 10 to one.

Those are the odds.

Your horse will start at 2 o'clock just like all the rest.

He tried to trick me.

I go.

Punch his face in.

You'll do no such thing.

Sit down.

It's time we all started working.

I'll just take the register to Ms. Courtney,

and then we'll have a look at your homework, all right?

Enter.

Ms. Courtney.

I've brought the register.

Two absentees tonight, Ingrid and Zoltan.

Oh, well I've had a letter from your Hungarian student.

Oh, has he gone sick?

No, he's gone back to Hungary.

Oh.

Enter.

Excuse me. Ms. Courtney?

Yes.

What do you want?

I'm Sheikh El Hamid, and I'm interested

in your English classes.

Well, if you don't mind me saying so,

your English is fairly good.

Thank you.

It is comforting to know that my years at Oxford

were not wasted.

I would like my personal chauffeur to join your class.

I'm afraid that is quite impossible.

It is mid-term and students are not permitted to join

halfway through a course.

Rules are rules.

I'm sure you could make an exception for a little donation

of 2000 pounds?

This isn't the Dorchester Hotel, you know.

This is an educational establishment.

You can't expect us to bend the rules just cause you

plonk two grand on the table.

Can he, Ms. Courtney?

Well, of course he can.

Where is your chauffeur now?

Outside.

Will you come in now?

But he's white.

People usually are from Glasgow.

He's Scots?

But of course.

Why do you want us to teach him English?

Because I can't understand a word of what he says.

Right, Jock?

Hello.

Can I help you?

No, I don't suppose you can, mate.

I've been told just to hang about here.

I'm sorry, Ms. Courtney.

I think the whole idea is ridiculous.

I'm supposed to teach English to foreign students.

He sounds like a foreign student.

Oh, look.

Wouldn't it be far simpler for you

to just get another chauffeur?

No, I couldn't do that.

You see, Jock's father gave his life defending

my father during the war.

I feel I owe him a living.

Yeah, but in that case, why don't you make him very happy

and give him a job in your harem or something?

Don't be stupid, Mr. Brown.

I wonder if you'd mind waiting outside for a moment

while Mr. Brown and I discuss this matter privately.

Not at all.

Door, Mr. Brown.

Now, listen to me, Mr. Brown.

You are a teacher of English, and it is your job

to teach English, no matter who or what

your students happen to be.

But actually, as I keep trying to tell you--

Don't interrupt.

Now, remember the Arabs are extremely wealthy.

Who knows what other benefits they may bestow upon us.

Only the other day I was reading in the paper about an Arab

who was so pleased with the service at his hotel

that he presented the manager with a Rolls-Royce.

Well we are not running a hotel, Ms. Courtney.

Money isn't the be-all and end--

A Rolls-Royce?

Yes.

Well, I suppose I could give it a try.

Good.

Look upon it as a challenge.

I'll do my best.

I wonder if you would care to join me

in a cup of tea in the office.

And then later on I'll show you around the school.

How very kind of you.

Well, what am I doing, mate?

Go away or do you want us to hang about here, or what?

I'd like you to hang about.

I'm going to try and teach you to speak English.

Oh,.

Well, I'm not

exactly jumping for joy myself.

Huh?

Right, quiet.

Quiet.

Ah, it's the tower of Babel.

Can't you think of anything better to do

than chatter to each other?

Sure.

Hey, we go for a cup of tea.

That's a good idea.

You'll do no such thing.

Sit down, be quiet, and pay attention.

Right. you better sit next to Anna.

OK.

Oh, hey, how's it going?

What is your name?

Hamish Hector Dougal Donald Stewart McGregor.

Well, I'll put you down as Jock.

Whatever you'd like.

Well as you can see, we have a new student.

All right, is there..

Know what I mean?

Or as you say yourself, och aye

and all that haggis bashing nonsense.

Oh, blimey.

What language is he speaking?

Believe it or not, it's English.

Aye, he's right enough, you know.

He's right enough.

If that is English, what language

is it that we are learning?

Mr. McGregor is speaking in dialect.

I thought you said he was speaking English?

Right.

English, but with a dialect.

Eh.

I know all about them dialects.

You do?

Sure, I seen them on television.

Doctor Who and the dialects.

No, that's daleks.

Okey cokey.

A dialect is a form of speech peculiar to certain areas.

Tell them where you're from.

I am a jock.

What is jock?

Masterji, please.

I am the know what is jock.

Good.

Would you like to tell us all?

A jock is be a funny story.

No, Jamila, that's a joke.

Mr. McGregor is from Scotland, which is part of Great Britain.

Great Britain is comprised of England,

Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.

No.

What do you mean, no?

No whales in England.

Whales in the sea.

I'm talking about Wales the country.

The end of the M4.

Ah, got it.

Wrong number.

I'm not quite sure what to do with you for the moment.

Oh well,.

You're not going anywhere.

Just sit down.

For a start, you can concentrate on your diction.

What?

I don't understand, what are you saying?

For example, repeat after me.

The fat black cat sat on the mat.

The fat black cat sat on the mat.

No, no, no.

Let's take each word separately.

All right?

The.

The.

- Fat. - Fat.

No, not. Fat.

Fat.

- Black. - Black.

Cat.

- Cat. - Sat.

- Sat. - On.

- On. - The.

The.

Mat.

Mat.

Good.

Now try the whole thing.

The fat black cat sat on the mat.

Well, you better just sit there and listen while I get

on with the rest of the lesson.

All right,

do whatever please yourself, son.

You're on your own.

What are you doing?

Having a dram.

Oh, you fancy a touch of stag's breath yourself?

Go on. - Certainly not.

And I don't allow drinking in the classroom.

Ah, I see.

Well, help yourself to a smoke if you feel like.

No drinking and no smoking.

It's worse than being in a kirk.

Precisely.

Right.

Now if you recall, I asked you each to write a brief essay

on your various beliefs.

I hope you've all done so.

Su-Lee, would like to read us out your essay?

What I believe.

Firstly, I not believe in religion.

Excuse me, Su-Lee.

The subject was what you believe.

Not what you don't believe.

Firstly it is necessarily to make

platform on which intellectual thoughts can stand.

When building house, it is necessary to make

firm foundation.

Excuse me please.

I'm not understanding something. - Yes, Ali?

What is it you're not understanding?

I'm not understanding a word of what she's talking about.

I quite agree, Ali.

Su-Lee does rather tend to be dialectically verbose.

Blimey.

Now I'm not understanding what you are saying.

Point taken.

Right, sit down, Ali.

Thank you.

Carry on, Su-Lee.

And this time, stick to the point.

I believe everyone is equal in eyes of state.

I believe in Chairman Mao.

I believe in dictatorship of proletariat

and suppression of capitalism.

Ah, rubbish.

Not rubbish.

Western world corrupt and evil.

Ah, go home

and paddle in your paddy field.

Don't you talk to me like that.

I'll report you to selection board.

Ah, shut your gob.

That will do, Jock.

Kindly keep your remarks to yourself.

Excuse, please.

Yes, Taro?

Not polite to insult Lady.

Please apologize.

Get knotted.

Put up your fist.

OK, hari kari, if it's a fight you want,

you'll get one.

You ready?

No, sit down, both of you.

Honor must be satisfied.

Yeah, well you can satisfy it after class.

Sit down, Taro.

And as for you, I'd be obliged if you would keep quiet.

Thank you, Su-Lee.

I'll read your essay later.

Juan?

Si, se or?

Would you like to read us your essay?

Sure.

What I Believe, by Juan Cervantes.

So far so good, eh?

Yes.

Come on, get on with it.

Right, right.

I believe in one God.

And I believe in Jesus Christ.

Now, Jesus Christ--

Was the first Roman Catholic.

Oh, what are you on about,

you big?

Por favor?

- He was Jewish. - Por favor?

Jock is trying to make the point that Christ was Jewish.

No.

He was a Roman Catholic.

No, he wasn't.

He was Jewish.

I'll punch you in your head.

I kick you up the back side.

And I kick you up the front side.

I'll scratch your eyes out.

Please be leaving something for me, also.

OK, who's first?

Sit down.

And as for you, if I have any more interruptions from you,

out you go.

All right, all right.

Not a word.

Good.

- I go on, should I? - No.

Your beliefs are just as controversial as Su-Lee's.

- Por favor? - It doesn't matter.

Sit down.

Come on.

We'll try you, Ranjeet.

I am believing that all men are being born equal.

Oh no.

Jock, I have warned you.

Oh, come on, Jimmy.

I can't be expected to sit here and listen to Charlie Chapati

claiming he's my equal.

What is he calling me?

Nothing, Ranjeet.

He is calling you Charlie Chapati.

Ah, well, the same goes for you,

Take-Away Tommy.

I give you a bunch of fire.

You can all go to tea break.

Go on, tea break.

And as for you.

You can just go to--

Just go.

- Where is everybody going? - Tea break.

Well, do it quietly.

Ms. Courtney, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I can't do it.

Can't do what?

Put up with our Scottish friend.

He's a disruptive influence on the rest of the class.

Mr. Brown, I'm afraid that you must.

I have invited the sheikh to meet the Board of Governors.

He has promised to give us a new school hall.

I don't care if he's promise to give you the Albert Hall.

Forgive me.

I couldn't help overhearing.

Is there some sort of problem? - No.

Yes.

I'm afraid I cannot put up any longer

with this chauffeur of yours.

He's rude, self-opinionated, and extremely unpleasant.

And you can keep your Rolls-Royce.

What an extraordinary man.

You'd better wait in the car.

OK, guv.

I'll just hang about inside the motor now, eh?

Right.

That's a pity.

I was quite looking forward to meeting

your board of governors.

And so you shall.

But now the circumstances have changed.

The circumstances may have changed,

but the object of the exercise remains the same.

Now forgive me if I'm wrong, but as far as I understand it,

you wish to be able to converse with your Scottish chauffeur?

Yes, but I fail to see how that can be achieved now.

Every problem has its solution.

And that is?

He does as I tell him or he gets the sack.

Come along, everybody.

Settle down, quickly.

I shall be taking over the rest of the lesson.

And I won't stand for any nonsense.

What has happened to Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown is in my office doing some private tuition.

Repeat after me.

It's a braw bricht moonlicht

nicht the nicht.

It's a braw bricht

moonlicht nicht the nicht.

Very good.

Try it once more.