Original subtitles

Good evening, Sidney.

Good evening, Ms. Courtney.

Just giving your door a bit of a touch up.

Did you have a nice holiday?

I had seven days in sunny Spain.

Beg your pardon?

Sunny Spain.

Oh, that's nice.

It rained.

Oh.

But still, I suppose you enjoyed those exotic Spanish dishes?

I got food poisoning.

Oh, sorry.

Did it rain every day?

Oh, no.

When I got food poisoning, the sun came out.

Then when I got better, it went back in, apart from the day

before we left.

That was absolutely glorious.

Well, at least you had one good day.

I got sunburned.

Oh.

That's a pity!

Oh, hello, Sidney.

Ah, Mr. Brown, welcome back.

Oh, ta.

Is she in?

Oh, yes I've cleaned out your bin.

Hm?

No, no.

Is she in?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

She's in a shocking temper.

Oh, well, I'll see her later, then.

- Are you glad to be back? - Oh, yes.

I shall miss my old class, but I'm

looking forward to the challenge of starting

again with fresh minds.

Wonder how many different nationalities

I'll have to deal with this term.

Ah.

Good evening.

"Pleased to meet you."

Ah, well, thank you.

Do you speak any English?

- Hungary. - Hungry?

Hungary.

Do you want something to eat?

No, Hungary.

Oh, Hungarian?

, Budapest, eh?

All right.

I'll put you in my register.

Bosc nat?

What is your name?

Bosc nat?

Your name?

Name.

What is-- what is your--

Zolt n Szab .

Zolt n Szab ..

Yes.

Bosc nat?

This is yes, and this is no.

Ah!

Yes, no.

Great.

Right.

I am Mr. Brown, your teacher.

Ah!

Well, I hope that was complementary.

- Bosc nat? - Never mind.

Bosc nat?

Look.

Do you know any English?

"Good shave the q-een."

"Shave the q-een?"

God save the Queen?

Yes.

More.

Some more English.

Please. Thank you.

Good. Well done.

Shtones.

Shtones?

"I can't get no satisfaction!"

- Rolling Stones. - Yes!

Good.

Well done.

Good morning, Herr Brown.

I'm most happy to be seeing you again.

Anna, Ranjeet, what are you doing here?

We failed our exam.

But we are coming back for more lessons.

That is correct.

Like Robert Bruce say, "If at first you are not succeeding,

try, try--"

Again.

"If at first you are not--"

Oh.

Never mind!

Were you not expecting us?

No, the authorities don't notify the individual teachers

of the results.

And as usual, Ms. Courtney has kept me in the dark.

She switched the lights out?

No.

She never told me.

This is Zolt n.

Ranjeet.

Delighted to be making your acquaintance.

Aw.

What a nice man.

He's giving me a present.

No, no.

He wants you to read out something from his phrase book.

Thousand apologies.

"Waiter, my soup is cold."

On this page, Ranjeet.

Ah.

Pleased to meet you.

Thank you.

Good.

And this is Anna.

How do you do?

Yes, dank you.

Bitte.

Well, would you both like to sit down?

Ja.

This time I zit at zhe front.

Zen I shall be learning keh-vicker.

Good.

I will be sitting in my custom place.

Good.

Yes.

Well, I was hoping for 100% pass record.

But still, two failures out of 10 is not bad.

Good evening, Master J.

Umbawa.

Four failures out of 10.

Jamila, you failed?

Sorry, Master J. But maybe next time, I am whining, huh?

I'm sure you mean winning.

Huh, huh.

And you, Taro?

Ah, so!

Not good for Japanese.

First up, consider harakiri.

Then decide come back for more lessons.

If no pass next time, ah, ee!

Just make sure you don't do it on the classroom floor.

Well, as you can see, you are not alone.

This is Zolt n.

Jamila and Taro.

Pleased to meet you.

Good heffning.

Jamila, you want your place back, ja?

Nah, nah.

I sit at backside with Taro.

Ah.

No, Jamila, you will sit at the back.

Backside is, uh, what you sit on.

No, Master J. What I sit on is chair.

I can see why you failed.

Buenos noches, everybody!

Juan, don't tell me you failed?

It's all right.

I don't tell you.

You don't need to tell me.

I know.

Ah.

You plenty smart.

It's more than I can say for you.

Por favor?

Never mind.

Oh, This is Zolt n.

And this is Juan.

How you do?

For me, eh?

He's just trying to say that he's pleased to meet you.

He doesn't speak any English. - Ah.

It's all right.

I teach him.

That would be like the blind leading the blind.

Blind?

You see.

Hey, you feel. You feel.

No! Ugh.

He's not blind.

I was just using a-- oh, never mind.

Sit down.

OK.

I sit here.

Oh!

Good aftern!

Good evening.

I here come to English learn.

I come here to learn English.

We together say it.

No, we can't do that.

Oh, what is matter?

There's wrong something with me? - Oh, no.

There's wrong nothing with you.

But-- well--

- Well, I very much like you. - Yeah.

Well, I am your teacher.

Teacher?

You are too young to be teacher.

Oh, thank you.

Is that your name?

Ja.

Ingrid Svenson.

Oh.

Ingrid Svenson.

I take you're a Svedi--

Swedish?

Ja.

Where from?

Stockholm.

Stockholm.

And what is your job? - Au pair.

Which pair?

Oh, no!

Well, now, where shall we sit you?

Here.

There's a seat here with me.

There is also a place beside me.

Here, please.

Here.

Yeah, well, I think we'll sit you at the front

for the time being.

Ja, tag.

Yeah.

Ah, very nice.

Yeah.

Well, you're sitting next to Juan,

and behind you is Ranjeet.

At the back are Taro and Jamila.

She is Anna, and he is Zolt n.

And I am Ali.

Ali!

You you as well?

As well as what, please?

You failed?

Oh, yes, but I'm getting 20 out of 100.

It's nothing to be proud of.

You should get at least 50 marks to pass.

20 is disgraceful. - Oh, no.

Last year, I'm not getting anything at all.

I am getting more and more better.

I sit?

Yeah.

Squeeze, please.

Please, to get up.

What for?

That is my seat.

I not see name in seat.

Get your big Spanish bottom out of my chair!

Hey!

You talk to me like, that I punch you.

No, well, that's enough.

Seats are not reservable.

Sit somewhere else, Ali.

OK.

I sit at the back.

You big Spanish bull!

Hey!

Come on.

I will just wait a few more moments in case

there are any more new students.

Bona sera!

Hey!

Eh, it's just like old times.

Hey, it's a big surprise-a, profesori.

Well, let's say it's more of a disappointment.

Oh, but I'm not disappointed to be back.

Ooh.

Who's that?

This is Ingrid.

She is Swedish.

She's also sitting in my seat.

You will move, yes?

I will move, no.

You can come and sit next to me.

No, you sit-a next to me.

That's right.

You sit next to Giovanni and Max,

because I want to sit here.

No, I'm sorry, Danielle, but I think

it's important that new students should sit at the front.

I don't like you.

Ha.

You can come and sit next to me.

Hey, sit-a between us.

OK.

Well, I must say that I am extremely

disappointed in you all.

It's not your fault, profesori.

We not pass because we are stupid.

- And what does that make me? - More stupid!

Exactly.

Out of 10 students, I have nine failures.

Very sorry I'm late.

Congratulations!

You're getting 10 out of 10.

Well, I really don't know what to say.

Oh, blimey.

If you're not knowing what to say,

how are you going to be teaching us?

I'll ignore that stupid remark.

Jolly good.

Because you have all failed, I have failed.

Naw!

It's perfectly true.

Now, this term, I want much more effort from all of you.

You must all pull your socks up.

S'alright!

No, Juan, I was speaking figuratively.

Por favor?

Never mind.

You must all concentrate much harder this term.

Now, we shall start at the beginning again.

Only this term I shall be giving you

twice as much homework as last.

Aw!

And I want 100% effort from all of you.

Right.

Now, tonight, I thought we'd start

by each telling you what you've been doing during the holidays.

- Please? - Yes, Zolt n?

"I do not understand what you are saying."

Oh, never mind.

Just, uh, keep quiet and listen.

Bosc nat?

Never mind.

Bosc nat?

Uh, un momente, un momentito.

I speak. - Bosc nat?

No bosc nat?

No speak.

Pah!

Thank you, Juan.

S'alright!

Good.

Right.

Now, what have you been doing with yourself, Jamila?

Master G, I am went on holy days to visit all my family.

Ah.

You went to Bombay?

Bombay?

Nah.

Birmingham.

Birmingham, the Mecca of the Midlands.

And you, Taro?

Ah, so.

Well, what did you get up to?

Ah, went on a fishing holiday.

Oh, good.

Did you catch anything?

Catch hairy coat.

Did you enjoy your break, Ali?

I'm not breaking anything.

Holiday.

Oh, jolly good.

I'm learning how to be driving a motorcar.

Good.

That's very useful.

When do you take your test? - Oh, blimey.

I'm already failing my test.

The examiner man was jumping out of the car

when I was going down a hilly.

I expect you were going to fast?

Oh, no.

I was going backwards.

Right.

Uh, what did you do, Su-Lee?

Spent time lighting.

Lighting what?

Lighting book.

Oh, a book?

What sort of book are you light-- writing?

It's called "The Democratic Way of Rife,"

all about ,, freedom-loving Chinese.

I see, a work of fiction.

Tell us what you did with yourself, Ranjeet.

I have been looking after my cousin

while her husband has been away.

Ah, that's very commendable.

He is being discharged this week.

Discharged?

Has he been in hospital?

No.

Prison.

Oh, I see.

And he's been sent to prison for something he didn't do.

Really?

What didn't he do?

He didn't run fast enough!

Silence!

Tell us what you did, Giovanni.

I went to Mars Gate.

Margate.

Ah, scusi.

I met this fantastic girl.

She had the biggest boobs--

Yep, yep, yep.

So we all get your meaning.

Every day, we used to go on the sands for a bit.

For a while.

Scusi?

To go on the sands for a while.

To say that you went on the sands for a bit

could imply that you were doing, um-- well, something naughty.

That's right!

We were very naughty on the sands!

Silence!

Mr. Brown?

Ms. Courtney wants you straight away.

Oh, thank you, Sid.

Well, I suggest you all take an early tea break

and we continue with this later.

- Please? - Yes, Zolt n?

Look, no, you really must start to speak.

Speak.

You.

Girl?

Yes, please.

No, no, you're not a girl.

You.

Ay.

Huh!

Mwah.

Ah, you have a girlfriend.

- Girl. - I understand.

- English. - Go on.

An English girlfriend?

You.

Me.

Right.

Oh, you want me to write a letter to your girlfriend?

Please.

Ah.

What do you want me to write?

Bosc nat?

Yes.

What I write?

Ah.

I think I get the general idea.

Sidney!

Oh!

Ye-- yes, Ms. Courtney?

Did you tell Mr. Brown that I wish to see him?

Oh, yes.

Definitely.

Yeah.

I think this should be all right.

Dear, miss, I'm writing to tell you of my feelings for you.

I think you are beautiful.

"I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you.

Please say you feel the same about me.

Oh, my love."

Thank you.

What is going on in here?

Oh, nothing.

Well, it certainly doesn't look like nothing.

Oh, well, I was just writing a letter

for Zolt n to his girlfriend.

And he was showing me his appreciation in Hungarian.

Kindly leave us.

Bosc nat?

Go!

I said, go!

But I--

Go!

Now, Mr. Brown.

I understand that none of your previous students

passed their Lower Cambridge Certificate.

Ah, but I think there were a few near misses.

That is not good enough.

Obviously, Mr. Brown, you are sadly

lacking in the necessary qualities

required to teach English.

Now just a moment!

Don't interrupt!

I shall be keeping a very close eye on you this time,

Mr. Brown.

And unless I see a marked improvement, out you go!

Well, it's not necessarily altogether--

I have no wish to listen to your feeble excuses.

Pompous old cow!

What was that?

Oh, I said, I'm just going now.

Hey!

You not speak nothing?

He is not knowing the English as well as what we are knowing.

I speak with him.

Oh, blimey.

He speak Hungry-arian.

Sure I speak a darn-arian.

Football..

Football.

- Buscas. - Belle.

Campes.

Beckenball.

Bubbly shotton.

Bubbly more!

Hey!

You see, I told you I speak-a the language.

Hey.

You like England, no?

Ja.

I also very much like teacher.

You You not make zhe eyes at Monsieur Brown.

If I want, I will.

Monsieur Brown does not like the blonde ladies.

It is the beautifulest.

Ha!

Trouble with Swedish girls-- they are too big in zhe bosom.

French girls are too big in the mouth.

Oh!

In China, looks are not important.

It is blains and interrect that matter.

- Absolutement. - Ja.

Su-Lee is right.

Ve vomens are not symbols von sex.

You agree, Jamila?

I know understanding.

Ve vomens are not here to give zhe men zhe pleasure.

I like give men pleasure.

Trying to find a few winners?

Oh, no, Mr. Brown.

Just trying to find out if I'm going to

leave the wife.

Pardon?

Premium bonds.

100,000 pounds.

I could be lucky.

Sunday's got to win it.

- How many bonds have you got? - One.

Heh.

You're as bad as me.

I've only got one.

One, double F, two, three, two, three, two.

You've got a good memory, ain't you?

Ah, it's not a difficult one.

One, double F, two, three, two, three, two.

That's right.

Hey.

That's it!

That's what?

One, double F, two, three, two, three, two.

- I don't believe it! - Here!

You sure you got the right cucumber?

- Cucumber? - The number!

Yes! That's my bond here.

I'm positive. Look.

One double F, two, three, two, three, two.

That's right!

100,000 pounds.

What are you going to do with it?

What am I going to do?

Celebrate, of course!

Gladys?

Yes, Mr. Brown?

Coffees all round!

Right. Quiet, everybody.

Listen.

I want to read you all my letter of resignation.

- What? - No!

You're not going to resign?

No, no, I am definitely resigning.

With 100,000 pounds, I no longer need to teach English.

That's true.

Ooh!

Right.

"Dear Dracula--

"--this is to inform you that I think you are a rude,

obnoxious, and self-opinionated old dragon.

"And if ever I see you again, it'll be too soon.

Yours disrespectfully, Jeremy Brown."

Right. Ali?

Yes, please?

Would do me a favor and see that Ms. Courtney

gets this straight away?

Jolly good!

Thank you.

Please.

Oh, yes. Zolt n.

Your letter.

There we are.

Right.

Gladys, where's Sid's paper?

Oh, uh, he went with it.

- Took it with him. - Took it with him?

Uh, I've got a paper, Mr. Brown.

Oh, great, Max.

Thank you.

There we are.

lucky winner.

100,000 pounds.

And today's number is one, E, F, two, three, two, three--

wait a minute.

That's not right, one, E, F. It was one,

double F in the other one.

"We apologize for the misprint in our earlier edition"?

I haven't won anything.

Aw!

So you will not be resignating after all!

Resigning.

Oh.

That letter to miss--

Hello, please?

Ali, the letter to Ms. Courtney!

She's not in the office.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, Mr. Brown, Mr. Nadim, did you wish to see me?

No.

Oh, yes, please.

This is for you.

Thank you very much.

I want another word with you, Mr. Brown.

Come into the office.

Close the door.

I'll just see what this letter is first.

Oh, I shouldn't bother it if I were you.

You never know where it's been. It could be full of germs.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous.

You know, I seem to recognize this writing.

It looks remarkably like yours, Mr. Brown.

Oh, it's nothing like mine.

It just looks like mine.

Uh, I think I'll go.

I haven't finished with you yet.

You will have, when you've read that letter.

I beg your pardon?

Nothing.

Good heavens.

Ms. Courtney--

I have never read anything like this in my life.

I can explain.

Just listen to this.

I'd rather not.

"Dear miss, I am writing to tell

you of my feelings for you."

You see, I thought I'd won a--

pardon?

"I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you."

You did write this letter, Mr. Brown.

Ah, yeah. Well, not at you.

But it's the letter you were writing

for that Hungarian student. - Yes.

You see, what must have happened.

You don't need to go on.

I mean, it's obvious he's been smitten by my charm and beauty!

Pardon?

I have told you before, Mr. Brown,

that I do have this strange fascination

for the opposite sex.

Oh, yes.

Very strange.

You may not believe this, Mr. Brown.

But when I was a young girl, I was very plain.

I believe you.

Uh, cup of tea, please, Gladys.

Everything OK, Mr. Brown?

Yes, I must have put Zolt n's letter to his girlfriend

in my envelope to Ms. Courtney.

Hey!

He's a-not gonna be very happy.

Why not?

He's just gone to give the letter you write to Ms.

Courtney to his girlfriend!