Original subtitles

Oh, dearie me.

I'm losing again.

Good evening, all.

Oh, hello, Sid.

Hey, how you doing?

You how?

How you doing?

Oh, thanks very much.

I'll have a pint.

I said, how you doing, not what you're having.

Do what?

Never mind. Come on.

Oh.

Hello, Curly, what can I get you?

How about excited?

You are the five hundredth person to say that tonight.

You win our star award, a beer nut.

Oh, thanks.

And a pint for Sid.

Thelma Ritter.

Thelma Ritter, eh?

I'm Giovanni Capello.

Oh, that's not her name.

Thelma Ritter means a pint of bitter.

It's Cockney rhyming slang.

Ah, sure, I remember.

That's 42 pence.

And a packet of assaulted peasnuts, please.

Cheers.

Thanks a lot.

Hey.

How is the Las Vegas kid doing, huh?

Terrible.

You never win nothing on this machine.

I tell you, it's fixed.

Oh, no, lady behind bar telling me it

is nearly time for somebody to be

winning in the Jack in the Pot.

I try again.

But this time, I'm not looking.

See, I tell you you not win nothing.

Yes, but I'm getting three bars.

Look.

If I'm holding them, next time I'll be winning.

You have already spent one pound.

Yes, but if I'm getting another bar,

I'll be collecting five pounds.

Or dearie me.

I'm not having any more 10p's.

Would you be changing this, please?

Sorry, Ali, I spent all my change.

Maxi?

I ain't got any 10p's.

I'll be losing the Jack in the Pot.

Ah, Professori.

Good evening.

Good evening, Mr. Brown.

Hey, you want a Thelma Ritter?

Pardon?

Thelma Ritter.

Bitter.

You've been talking to Sid, the caretaker, again.

- Good on. - Sure.

He's teaching me more of his cockeyed slanging rhyme.

- Cockney. - Oh.

Scusi. - Max.

Yes, Mr. Brown.

As a point of interest, do you happen

to remember what a Cockney is?

Sure.

He's someone who was born near the sound of bull's balls.

Bells.

Ho-kay.

You want a drink? - No, thanks.

I just called for some cigarettes.

Squeeze me, please, Mr. Brown.

Would you be having change for a pound

to be putting in the machine?

You're wasting your money, Ali.

Oh, no, I'm sure to be winning.

I'm holding three bars.

Well, it's your money.

Let's have a look.

Good evening, everybody.

Excuse me.

Hey, what are you doing, you damn fool?

I'm having a go on this machine, you twit.

That was my winning.

How can it be your winnings.

I am putting the money.

Put 10p in.

Here is your 10p.

Get your dirty little hands off my money.

That is my money, you bearded bandit.

Why don't the pair of you-- why don't you share the money?

That's a good idea.

There's five of us.

That's one pound each.

I meant between Ali and Ranjeet, then you've both won.

You're as wise as a holy guru.

Thank you.

Actually, it's time you're all back at school.

It's your exams tomorrow.

You should take every opportunity to study.

I know.

Okey-dokey.

We go.

Come on, Ali, you, too.

Got it all.

Waiter.

Pardon?

Gin and tonic and a lager, please.

I'm afraid you're making a mistake.

Don't be ridiculous, I know what I want.

Gin and tonic for me and a lager for my husband.

He's just parking the car.

Now, look, Madam, you don't understand.

I am a schoolteacher.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's quite commendable that you

should supplement your income by working in a public house.

Look, I'm not what you think I am.

I'm not interested in your personal problems.

I just want a gin and tonic and a lager.

Yes.

Now.

A gin and tonic and a lager.

Hello, Mr. Brown.

Hello.

You have no idea.

I'll have a gold watch.

Pardon?

A scotch.

I wasn't offering you a drink.

Do what?

Oh, never mind.

Scotch.

20 cigarettes for me and a gin and tonic

and a lager for that lady over there.

She thinks I'm a waiter.

Thinks you're a what?

She thinks I'm a waiter.

Oh.

How long you been doing it then?

What?

This waitin' here like.

I don't wait.

I'm not a waiter. - Do what?

Never mind.

Um, one pound sixty, please.

Yeah, well, actually, these two drinks are for that lady

and gentleman over there.

Yes, but they've still got to be paid for, ain't they?

Yes, but you--

all right.

Well, I'll pay for them, and they can pay me later.

How much is it just for the gin and tonic and the lager?

It's 72.

72.

Cheers.

Good health.

Ah, good health.

Here they are.

72p, please.

Didn't I see you take a drink of my lager?

Yeah, but it was-- it was only a sip.

Oh, yes, I suppose you were tasting it to make sure

it was fit to drink.

No, no, no, it was purely accidental.

I have a good mind to report you to the brewery.

Frankly, I couldn't care less what you do.

Your attitude is typical of the working class mentality.

It's people like you that are ruining the country.

You're nothing but a peasant.

And you, sir, are a Bourgeois snob.

72p, please.

I refuse to pay for a drink that has

been contaminated by your lips. - I see.

All right.

Don't pay.

You have it on me.

There you go.

Silence.

This is disgraceful.

10 minutes past 7:00, and Mr. Brown has not arrived.

Oh, but you're mistaken.

He's here, isn't he, Anna?

- Yeah. - That's right.

He's always early.

Yes, please.

Tonight he was here so early that he was yet

ten minutes before he arrived.

He just went out.

Oh, and where has he gone out to?

The toilet.

I beg your pardon.

Tea break.

Toilet.

Would you like to try again?

What they mean is first he goes to the tea

room, then the toilet.

Hello, Miss Courtney, sorry I'm late.

But you are not.

Really?

According to your students you were here all the time.

Ah, yes.

Well--

- Well, where exactly were you? - But we told you--

I am asking Mr. Brown.

Well?

Oh, yes.

Um.

And what is going on?

I don't know, but from the sign language,

I think they're trying to say that I was having

a cup of tea in the toilet.

Actually, Miss Courtney, I'll tell you the truth.

I am late, and the reason is is I just popped across

to the pub for some cigarettes, was mistaken for a waiter,

bought two drinks for two people I'd never even met before,

was called a peasant, and finished

up by pouring a glass of lager over a gentleman's head.

You're an even bigger liar than your students.

I would have thought that you would have made an effort

to be early this evening.

After all, it is your last chance

to teach them something before they take their exams tomorrow.

Yes, Miss Courtney, you're quite right, as usual.

Not that I think any of them have

the remotest chance of passing.

All right.

Come on.

Sit in your places, please.

She thinks we're all stupid.

Yeah.

Well, I think she's got a point.

Ah, por favor.

Yes, Juan.

What do you think about this exam?

You think we pass?

Do I think you'll pass?

Juan, for the past 13 weeks, you've all been

coming here to study, right?

13 weeks of hard work, diligence, and application.

13 weeks of blood, toil, and sweat.

Slowly, little by little, you have improved.

When you sit down to take your examination tomorrow,

I have no doubts whether you'll pass or not.

You haven't a cat in hell's chance.

Oh, blimey.

You're not giving us any confidence.

Maybe some of you might manage to scrape through,

but I should be most surprised if you all pass.

I shall pass to prove superiority

of Republic of China.

Yes.

Well, we'll see about that.

In the meantime, I want tonight to talk about the exam,

and afterwards, if you have any questions about any point

you're not sure of, then just ask

and I'll do my best to answer them.

Excuse, please.

Not yet, Taro.

I want to talk about the exam first,

and then you can ask a question.

Ah, so.

Now, the first thing is I shall not be taking you.

Excuse, please, Master B. Where

will you not be taking us to?

I mean that I shan't be here tomorrow

when you take your exam.

Oh, jolly good.

We can be reading all the answers from our reports.

There will be somebody here.

Oh, dear.

I am thinking I'm going to be up the dummy tree.

In any case, you're not supposed to cheat.

It's customary for another teacher from another school

to take an examination of this kind.

Excuse me, please.

Later, Taro, please.

OK.

Now, when you take your examination,

the Cambridge certificate isn't too difficult.

The exam is divided into three parts, right?

First, there's an oral examination,

then a written one, and then comes dictation.

Is that his name?

Is that whose name?

The man who is going to be taking

us to be doing the examination.

Dick Tation.

Dictation is when a person reads something out loud

and another person copies it down.

Ah, like the short-fingered typist.

Shorthand typist.

Yes, please.

Excuse me, please.

You can ask your question in a moment, Taro.

All right.

When you've completed your examination,

the papers are taken away to be marked,

and you'll be notified of the results by post.

So, please, make sure that you write your names

clearly on your papers.

Your Christian name and your surname.

I cannot do that.

Why not?

I'm not a Christian.

If you want to be pedantic about it,

Ranjeet, write your surname and forename.

I'm not having four names also.

The prefix fore in this case is spelled

F-O-R-E and means first.

For example, forefinger.

Four finger.

One thumb.

No, we are not four fingers.

Si.

Si.

And one, a two, a three, a four.

This is my forefinger.

No, that's only one finger.

Wonder if I should cancel tomorrow.

Por favor?

Never mind.

Excuse, please.

Yes, you can ask your question now, Taro.

Request permission to visit toilet.

Oh, of course.

Thank you.

Right.

Has anybody else got a question?

Yes.

After tomorrow, will we see you again?

Well, that depends on so many things, whether I'm engaged

for another term, or whether any of you decide,

whatever the results of your exam,

to come back for a further course.

I will give you my advice.

And you can come and see me any time.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Mr. Brown, can you spare a moment, please?

Certainly.

I suggest you all study your verbs until I return.

As you know, another teacher will

be taking the exams tomorrow.

Yes.

Now, the gentleman who used to be

the principal of this college will be supervising your class.

He's in the office now, and I thought it might

be a good idea if you met him. - Oh, I'd like to.

Do try to make a good impression.

It does no harm if he is favorably disposed towards you.

This is our English teacher, Mr. Brown.

It's you.

Small world, isn't it?

Good evening, Mr. Capello.

All ready for your examination?

Sure.

Everything's going to be okey-cokey.

Buona sera, everybody.

Hey, has anybody got a pen?

Here.

But please remember who it belongs to.

Sure.

I remember.

Hey, Ari?

What are you doing?

I tell you.

I've just been studying my verbs so I'm going to write them down

on my hands so don't forget.

Typical of Western dishonesty.

No, I think he should.

Good idea.

Hey, you want to write for tenses, too?

No, I'm OK on verbs, but no good on pronouns.

So write the pronouns.

No need.

I already write them on handkerchief.

Smart.

It is wrong to cheat, don't you agree, Ali?

Not at all.

I am also cheating.

You also have got something written on your handkerchief?

No, it is in my head.

This is terrible.

If you're found out, you'll be disqualified.

Old Japanese philosopher, he said, man who deals from bottom

usually end up on top.

You as well?

Taro not good on adverbs, so have some written on chair.

See?

Ah, good evening, everyone.

Nice to see you all bright and early.

I expect you're feeling a bit nervous, yes?

I am not nervous.

Oh, good.

I am petrified.

Petrified.

Yeah.

Well, do your best.

And I'm not supposed to be here, so I shall be in the pub.

All right.

But if you'll call in when you've finished your exam,

I'll buy you all an end of term drink.

Well, good luck, Taro. - Thank you.

You must be nervous.

It's the first time you haven't stood up and bowed.

Good luck, Juan.

Machisimo, gracias.

Good luck, Giovanni.

Thanks, Professori.

You're not too nervous to shake hands, are you?

See, I'm very nervous.

Oh, nonsense.

Come on.

There, that didn't hurt, did it?

Not a lot.

Ranjeet.

That's funny.

Where did that ink come from?

It might be your pen has got a leak.

Let me see your hand, Giovanni.

There's nothing there, Professori.

The other one.

There's nothing there, either.

But there's something there, though, isn't there?

Oh, no, my pen's got a leak as well.

I suppose while it was leaking,

it just happened to write a few verbs down.

Sorry, Professori, my verbs is a bit bad.

Yeah.

Well, I suggest you clean all that off.

I don't seem to have a handkerchief myself.

Max has got a handkerchief.

And what's that sticking out of your top pocket?

Oh, that.

That's not a proper handkerchief.

Maybe Ali's got proper handkerchief.

Let me see that handkerchief, Max.

I see.

Pronouns are your weak point.

That's right.

I'll keep this.

What other little tricks have you all been up to?

Ali, you're very quiet.

You keeping something under your hat?

Oh, blimey.

How are you guessing that?

I didn't.

And while I think of it, Taro, would you like to stand up,

please?

Very ingenious.

All right.

Juan, where's your-- where's your little crib hidden?

Por favor?

Never mind por favor.

I know it's somewhere, it's written all over your face.

Nah.

No write on my face.

Look, this is no laughing matter.

Come on, Juan, where is it?

Under table.

Ranjeet?

Thousand apologies.

Danielle?

Anna?

Jamila?

Su-Lee?

We not cheat.

Prefer to pass exam on own merits.

I'm glad to hear it.

Some last minute coaching, Brown?

No, no, no.

I just came to wish them good luck.

And they're going to need more than luck.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

Goodbye.

Good luck.

Now, I want absolute silence during this examination,

understand?

Same again.

Don't you think you've had enough?

How could I have had enough?

I'm still standing.

Yeah, you've been to the loo twice.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

Oh, yes, it does.

Last time you went in the ladies.

Ah, you're making that up!

Ha- ha.

Oh hello, Sid.

Same again.

Thank you.

Half a bitter please, Mavis, and whatever Sid's drinking.

Sid tells me you're not married.

That's right. I'm not.

I'm not married as well.

Oh, congratulations.

I haven't even got a boyfriend.

Really?

How about you?

No, I haven't got a boyfriend, either.

Not a regular one, anyway.

Look, have a drink with me, all right?

There's a quid. Here you are, Sid.

Here's your pig's ear.

Pig's ear, yeah.

You're learning, ain't ya?

Good health.

How's your Lil?

She's still living.

You don't mean that.

Yeah.

Do you know when I was coaching, I used to worship

the ground she walked on.

Now, I worship the ground that's coming to her.

Not a very nice thing to say

It's more sincere.

You take my tip and you stay single.

I've got no choice at the moment.

I can't afford to get married.

Still, I've got Josephine.

Who's Josephine?

Is that your bit of crumpet?

No, my Siamese cat.

Well, my students will be out I think by now.

Yeah.

There is a lot of it about.

I was talking about the exam.

Oh.

I'm going to miss them next term.

Yeah.

Well, cheer up, son.

What you want is another drink.

What a good idea.

Yeah.

And this time, I'll have a pint.

Yeah, but--

Ah-hem.

Penny for 'em.

I was just wondering how my students were

getting on with their exam.

Oh, I expect they'll be all right.

I hope so.

I don't know what to do with myself now that term's

over in the evenings.

Yeah, must get a bit lonely for you living on your own.

Oh, I don't live on my own, exactly.

I've got Josephine.

Oh.

Yeah, she's marvelous.

I wouldn't know what to do without her.

She's very affectionate.

Every morning she wakes me up by nibbling in my ear.

Oh, that must be nice for you.

I didn't allow her in the bedroom at first.

No?

No.

Wasn't as clean as she might be.

Used to sleep in the bathroom.

Well, that sounds a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, no, she was quite happy on the floor.

She must think a lot of you to put up with that.

Oh, she does.

Every evening when I come home, she runs up to me

and rubs her body against my leg.

Oh, you don't say.

She's Siamese.

Oh, well, that explains it.

Trouble is, like most Siamese, she's--

she's inclined to be a bit over sexed.

Yeah, she sounds it.

I'm thinking of having her doctored.

Well, aren't you such a nice fellow.

Pardon me?

Oh, never mind. Where's Sid?

Oh, he's gone back to the school, that is,

if he can find his way back.

Sid?

Oh, yes, Miss Chutney.

You reek of drink.

Beg your pardon?

Drink.

If you insist.

I'd like a drop or two of sherry.

You've had more than enough already.

Oh, thank you.

Well, have you finished?

Yes, please. How'd you do?

Oh, I'm very well.

How do you do?

I mean, how did you get on with your exams?

Oh, but we hope we haven't let Monsieur Brown down.

Ah, Miss Courtney.

Would you care for a sherry before you go?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Oh, do have a sit down.

It takes me back, here in the old office.

I expect you miss the hurly-burly of school life.

Yes, I sleep nights now.

There you are.

Thank you.

You know, Miss Courtney, I didn't know that you indulge.

Well, I don't, really.

Just the occasional sherry.

Oh.

Ready for another?

Oh.

Well, have you all got a drink?

Yes.

Well, I'd just like to say I wish you all every success.

It's been great teaching you and, well, I shall miss you.

You have been giving us much wisdom.

I am so sad.

Oh.

You are a wonderful teacher.

We never forget our English teachers.

You are nicest Imperialist I've met.

Professori, it's been a real pleasure.

Si, si.

It won't be the same next time.

Yes.

We owe you big debt.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Good health.

Well, I really must be going.

I'm meeting my wife.

Oh, just one minute before you go, Mr. Short.

How do you think the foreign students

got on with their exams?

Terrible.

How do you think you got on with your exam?

Fantastic.

Answer to the question, what is a sentence, the chappie

in the turban answered, a sentence is what you get

when you are sent to prison.

The questions are being very easy to answer.

To the question, what is the past participle

of I write, the Spanish fellow answered, I have rotten.

I answer everything OK.

And the Chinese lady was writing backwards.

Of course, I don't know how they answered their questions,

but if what I saw was anything to go by,

then I should be very surprised if any of them passed.

Goodbye, Miss Courtney.

Well, I'm very proud of you all.

I know you wouldn't let me down.

Right.

Should we have another drink?

Whose round is it?

Waiter.

Oh.

What are you doing with my wife?

Nothing.

I was just--

You stupid fool.

I'm very sorry.

Let me buy you both a drink.

Oh, no, no, no. Please.

Please. Please.

Have this one on me.