Original subtitles

Looking for someone, Mr. Cevantes?

Por favor?

Never mind.

Shh, this way.

Oh, good evening, Ron.

- Good evening. - You only just made it?

Si, si.

Well, come along into the classroom.

Una momento.

First, I have to go some place.

Oh,.

Hey, come on, this way, this way.

Hi, good evening, everyone.

Well, I may as well warn you that I'm not

in the best of humors tonight.

In fact, I have a serious complaint.

Why not you go to the doctor?

It's not that sort of complaint, Danielle.

I'm far from happy with your progress.

I feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Well, blimey, if you are doing that,

you will be getting a headache.

Well, I checked your homework last night.

And frankly, I think you're getting worse.

Now, Max, the correct form of address for a cardinal

is not Westminster Cathedral.

I didn't know he'd move.

It should've been Your Eminence.

And, Danielle, the word conjugate is applied to verbs

and has nothing whatsoever to do with marital relations.

Oh, I am sorry.

And as for you, Ranjeet, well, some of your answers

make no sense whatsoever.

That is because I'm not understanding

the gist of the questions, so I am

answering different questions that I do understand.

That is not the object of homework.

1,000 apologies.

Buona sera

Giovanni, what time do you call this?

10 past 7:00.

You're late.

Haven't you got a watch?

I had a watch.

It was a beautiful watch.

It was rustproof, shockproof, waterproof, everything.

The only trouble is, it wasn't quite souper proof.

Super proof?

Yeah, last night I'm working in the restaurant,

and whoops a daisy, I dropped it in the souper.

,, have you seen Juan?

Juan what?

Juan Cervantes.

Oh, scusi. No.

Where the devil has he got to?

Hey, hello, senora.

Is it OK my friend wait here for me?

Oh, I don't know about that.

It's only to finish class.

Oh, all right then.

Do you want a cup of tea?

He not speak the English good, not like me.

You wait here, no speak, no nothing.

KO

Not KO, OK.

OK.

There, you sit.

Right now, this evening, we're going

to concentrate on the alphabet.

I'm going to go around the class, and I want each of you

to give me a word beginning with a different letter

from the alphabet.

Max, we'll start with you.

A or Ah.

A desk.

No, Max.

That's a D.

All right, D desk.

No, Max.

Desk does not begin with a letter A. I want a word

beginning with the letter A.

A door.

Good, adore.

Well done.

- Excuse, please. - Yes, Ali?

I'm not understanding why you are saying a desk is not right,

but a door is right.

Ah, yes, well, you see, when Max said adore,

he was meaning the verb to adore.

And although they do sound the same,

you didn't mean a door, for example, this door.

Am I right, Max?

Sure, you're right.

I'm meaning any door.

At this rate, it will take us a week

to get through the alphabet.

Well, we'll try again, Max.

Please give me as a word beginning with a letter A.

And I don't want A something, just one word

beginning with the letter A. Think of a fruit.

Apple?

Apple, good.

Danielle, B.

B for brown.

Good.

B for beautiful.

Yeah, thank you, Daniel.

Anna, C.

Red.

Red?

What's that got to do with C?

Red sea.

I want a word beginning with the letter C.

Cow?

Yes, well done.

Taro, D?

Asshole.

Darko.

Darko?

Well, what about dark.

Dar-k.

Yes, good.

Jamila, E.

Evening.

Good. Excellent.

Well, done.

Giovanni, F. - Fick.

Fick?

That's right.

There is no such word as fick.

Sure, there is.

My boss is English.

And he said lots of times through fick and through fin.

Yes, well, your boss's grammar isn't very good.

And don't give me the old chestnut about his grandma

being very good for her age.

I not say that.

Good.

She's dead.

All right, everybody, there's far too

much levity in this class.

Don't forget that you have your exams coming up shortly.

Now try and take it seriously, please.

Giovanni, a word beginning with F.

Female.

Good.

Well done.

Su-Lee, G.

Great.

Great?

As in Great Wall of China, built

by glorious Chinese workers.

Ah, yes, thank you, Su-Lee.

Hello.

Ah, Juan, well, we were just going through the alphabet.

Por favor?

A, B, C, D, E--

Aha, si, alphabeto.

It A, B, C, D--

Would you like to give me a word

beginning with the letter H?

Ah, ah, si.

Well, it's-- por favor?

Ah,.

Huly.

Huly

Huly?

- Si, April, May, Hune, Huly. - No, Juan.

That's a J, July.

I want H.

Ah, see.

Yeah, well, I'll accept that.

- Por favor? - It all right.

Doesn't matter.

Sit down.

Good.

Ali, I.

You are what?

A word beginning with the letter I?

Infidel.

Are you meaning me?

Sit down.

Ranjeet, J.

Jackass.

Are you meaning me?

, you monkey face.

Quiet, please.

Sit down, both of you.

Danielle, K.

- K for kind-hearted. - Good.

K for kiss.

Muah.

Listen, I think that'll do, Danielle.

Thank you.

Max, L.

Elephant.

No, no, Max.

Try again.

Loving.

Good.

Anna, M?

Miesterzinger.

N?

Knitting.

No, knitting begins with a K.

What do you knit with?

Ah, wool.

What are these?

Needles.

Needles, excellent.

Well done.

Giovanni, can you give me a word beginning with a letter O?

Audible.

No.

Holiday?

No.

Hopeless?

Yes, you are.

You keep dropping your aspirates.

I not drop nothing.

No, no, no, no.

An aspirate is the sound made by the letter H.

The words you've give me all start with H and not with an O.

Scusi.

I want a word beginning with O. Come on.

Outside.

That's better.

Excuse me, Mr. brown.

Ah, hello, Denise.

Miss Courtney wants to see you in the tea room.

Oh, all right.

I'll be as quick as I can.

Giovanni, would you take charge of the class while I'm away.

Si, professor.

I think you'd better come too, Pedro.

Por favor?

Miss Courtney's found your fishy friend.

Are you going to answer me?

Look, what is your name?

Who are you, and what are you doing here?

What seems to me the problem, Miss Courtney?

This is.

I just came in here and found him.

But he seems to be some sort of foreigner,

but I can't get a word out of him.

Is he one of yours?

No,.

Well, you can find out what he's doing here.

After all, you do seem to have a way with these foreign persons.

All right, I'll do my best.

Hello.

What is your name?

Name?

Do you speak English?

No?

Parler vous Francais?

Parler Italiano?

Well, say something, even if it's any bit nothing.

Amigo.

Everything's all right.

Not worry, not worry.

Oh, Juan, you know this person?

Si.

I tell you truth.

It's my brother.

Your brother?

I don't believe you.

OK, I tell you truth.

It's not my brother.

It's a good friend.

We sleep together.

Not in the same bed, same room.

Look, why don't you tell me the whole story, Juan?

OK, I make it a clean chest.

Breast.

Si, but you must promise me not to tell nobody.

Well, let's see what you have to say first.

His name is Boris.

He's Marinero. - Marinero?

Si.

Oh, a sailor.

Sailor.

Last night, he come in bar where I work.

His Russian. - Rushing?

- Si. - You mean he was a hurry?

Ah, no. He's Russian, from Russia.

Oh.

A sailor, a Russian sailor.

Si, we drink.

Vodka.

Si, vodka.

And he asked me for mental home.

Asked you for what?

He say no go back Russia.

Asked me for mental home.

Casa del loco.

Asylum, political asylum.

Si, si.

He's a defector.

No, he's Russian.

Hey, you not let them take him back in.

No, of course not. This is a free country.

If he wants to stay here, he's perfectly at liberty to do so.

Welcome to England, comrade.

Silencio

What do you want?

You're supposed to be studying the books.

Who say so?

I say so.

Yeah?

Look, proffesori put me in charge.

You've got to do what I tell you.

Now, I'm going to ask you the questions,

and you're going to give me the answers.

Okey, dokey.

Ali?

Yes, yes, please.

What is a noun?

Oh, blimey.

It is very simple.

Nun is a lady who is living in a convent.

That's a nun.

Hey, Jamila, what's the plural of a thief.

Huh?

The plural of a thief.

A thief.

Robbers.

No, not the robbers.

Look, these are robbers.

Now, look, one, a thief, two--

Thieves.

That's better.

Max, what's the opposite of bitter?

Lotta.

That's not right.

Sure it is.

Opposite of bit of money is a lot of money.

Quiet, please.

Silencio.

Thank you, Giovanni.

You can sit down now.

Juan, I think it might be a good idea if Boris sat next to you.

For your general information, Boris is from Russia.

Ah, much better he sit next me.

representative of capitalist philosophy.

Sorry to disappoint you, Su-Lee.

But Boris has decided to change horses.

Well, blimey, is he a Russian Cowboy?

No, Ali, I mean that he's decided

that he prefers our democratic way of life

to the Russian regime.

He's a defector.

He's traitor.

Better ring Russian embassy.

We'll do no such thing, Su-Lee.

Boris has made his decision.

And after the class, Miss Courtney

will inform the home office, who will then

decide whether he can stay.

Why he wish to leave Russia?

Well, I haven't the faintest idea.

Hey, maybe he's a spy.

Yeah, a double agent.

Maybe Su-Lee is right.

We send him back where he came from.

He should be interrogated.

Sit down, everybody.

Quiet.

Please, sit down.

I'm sure that Boris has a perfectly good reason

for wishing to remain here. Boris?

Dada.

Would you come out here, please?

Juan?

Yes?

Does Boris speaking any English?

I teach him a little.

Ah, good.

Why do you wish to leave Russia?

Por favor?

I see you speak English as well as Juan does.

It's all right.

Why do you wish to leave Russia?

Well, come over here.

Russia.

Dada.

England.

Dada.

Why you leave Russia to stay in England?

Ah.

Ah, a woman?

- Dada. - Is this true, Juan?

Si, si.

Last night in bar, he meets beautiful girl.

He has fallen-- how do you say-- heels over head.

Head over heels?

Yeah.

Oh, well, thank you, Boris.

You can sit down now.

Sit down.

Dada.

Vive l'amore, Boris.

Well, Su-Lee, I'm sure even you wouldn't wish to stand

in the way of true love.

True love should be for state, not individual.

Yes, well, not this side of the Iron Curtain.

Now, where were we up to in the alphabet?

Which letter have we got to?

P.

P. Well, then suppose you give me a word beginning with p.

Propaganda.

Propaganda.

As used by decadent Western world to spread lies about

glorious, peace-loving Chinese.

Su-Lee, do you have to make a political speech every

time you answer a question?

Yes.

Chairman Mao, he say, it is duty of those who can see to guide

right of truth.

The eight points of attention are as follows.

Do not damage crops.

Do not take liberties with women.

Do not--

Su-Lee, sit down, Thank you.

That will do.

Ali, can you give me a word beginning with Q?

Q?

Yes, go on.

Q.

Yes, come on.

Q.

Ali, will you give me a word beginning with the letter Q.

Oh, blimey, I'm giving it to you three times already.

Queue, like bus stop queue.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well done.

Taro, R.

Awesome.

Radio.

Good.

Ranjeet, S?

Eskimo.

No, Eskimo begins with an E.

1,000 apologies.

Think of a word that describes you.

Stupid.

Don't you call me stupid, you half

witted Pakistani.

Don't you call me Pakistani ,,

you brown.

All right, that will do. Sit down, the both of you.

Juan, T?

Por favor?

T.

Ah, Tea.

Tea.

No, no, no.

I don't mean it's time for the tea break.

- Por favor? - Never mind, sit down.

Excuse me, Mr. brown.

What is it this time, Gladys.

There's another one turned up.

Another what?

A russki.

I've shown him into Miss Courtney's office.

I am Captain Ivan Ivan.

Are you?

Da.

And you are Mrs.--

I am Miss Courtney.

A fine woman like you has no husband.

No?

Ah, I am understanding.

You prefer to have the lovers.

Certainly not.

Now, will you please get to the point?

I have reason to believe that one of my men is here.

Really?

Oh, come Mrs. Courtney.

Miss.

Miss, we both know he's here.

He must come back to the ship and return to Russia.

That is for him to decide.

Enter.

You wish to see me, Miss Courtney?

This is Captain Ivan Ivanovich.

Mr. Brown, our English teacher.

How are you doing?

Very well.

Thank you.

I welcome you to England.

You and your compatriot are perfectly safe here.

You Don't have to go back to Russia if you don't want to.

Mr. Brown?

Yes?

The captain has no wish to stay here.

He has come to take back the other person.

Ah, but you can't do that.

Why not?

Well, he doesn't want to go back.

He's met this girl, you see.

And they want to get married.

Well, that's impossible.

We are only being here for the one night.

Yeah, well, it was love at first sight.

No, peoples do not fall in love at first sight.

people's do.

I tell you, he cannot be getting an English wife.

Why not?

Because he already has a Russian one.

Are you saying that he's already married?

Uh-huh.

Dada, to Anastasia.

Well, that puts an entirely different

complexion on the matter.

I'm afraid we have no alternative but to return

your roving shipmate.

Will you see to it, Mr. Brown?

Very well.

You are a woman of great perception

as well as beautiful.

Thank you.

You are reminding me so much of your great national figure.

Yes, people have said I resemble the queen.

No, no, not the queen, British bulldog.

OK Juan, I asked you the question.

What is the name for a group of cows?

Por favor?

Hey, come on.

You know what I'm saying.

You might fool professor.

You not fool me, huh?

Now, what's the name for a group of cows?

I don't know.

A herd of cows.

Por favor?

Herd of cows.

Sure, I've heard of cows.

Santa Maria.

A herd of cows is a lot of cows.

And you speak a lot of bull.

Thank you, Giovanni.

Thank goodness you're back.

I tell you, proffesori, I don't know how you put

up with all these foreigners.

Boris?

Dada?

Yeah, well, there's a friend of yours outside.

He's waiting to take you back to the ship, captain Ivanovich?

Nit nit.

Yeah, not nit nit.

Dada.

He's told me all about Anastasia.

Anastasia.

For your general information, Anastasia

is Boris's wife back in Russia.

Oh, the randy old.

You will permit me, Mr. Brown?

He's all yours, Captain.

Great. Come along.

Pay attention.

I've had enough interruptions for one evening.

Which letter in the alphabet were we up to?

Ah, me, T.

Good.

Well, Juan?

Tobacco.

Tobacco, good.

Max, you?

Me?

No, no, no, no, the letter U?

Umbrella.

Yes, good, but not hambrella, umbrella.

OK.

Anna, V?

Vent.

Vent?

Yes, good, as in air vent.

Nein, as in I vent to vash my hands.

No, Anna.

Those words begin with W. I want a word

beginning with V. What instrument

does play?

A fiddle. Good.

Violin.

Va.

Violin.

Good.

Danielle, W?

W for wow.

Good.

W for when?

I only wanted one word, Danielle.

Excuse me, Mr. Brown.

- What is it his time, Gladys? - He's back.

Who's back?

Ivan the Terrible.

He wants to see you.

Giovanni, would you?

Ah, Captain, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Mr. Brown, could I please have a word with you--

Yes.

Will you please speak on my behalf?

Now, please, will you do this one thing for me?

Please? Please?

Well, leave it to me.

Thank you, Mr. Brown.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Enter.

Miss Courtney, we've got a bit of a problem.

Captain Ivanovich is outside.

Oh, don't tell me his compatriot has escaped?

Oh, no, Boris is safely on his way back to the ship.

Well, then why has the captain returned?

He wants to defect.

You see, he says, like Boris, that he's

fallen heels over head in love.

Oh, these foreigners are impossible.

Well, tell him to go away.

He's infatuations have nothing to do with us.

Well, I'm afraid this one has.

You see, he says he's fallen in love with you.

I am loving you, Mrs...

Miss.

Miss.