Original subtitles

Mr. Brown?

Hi, Miss Courtney.

Why are you creeping about?

Well, I didn't want to disturb you.

Very considerate.

And perhaps you wouldn't mind creeping

into the office for a minute, but I want a word with you.

You may sit.

Now, Mr. Brown, the other evening after everyone

had gone, I went into the gentleman's toilet.

I'm sure that was a perfectly natural mistake.

I went because the caretaker had

complained about the graffiti on the walls.

And, Mr. Brown, it is just not good enough.

And I thought some of it was rather witty.

It was disgusting.

Someone had written Enoch Powell rules OK.

Yes.

And with all due respect, I'd hardly call that disgusting.

It was what was written underneath that I

found most objectionable.

Oh, what was that?

Miss Courtney is crackers.

Yes.

Well, it may not have been one of my students

who was responsible. - It certainly was.

How can you be so sure?

Who else but a foreigner would spell crackers K-R-A-K-K-E-R-S.

Well, I'll see it doesn't happen again.

There's just one more thing, Mr. Brown.

Yes, Miss Courtney.

In a few weeks time, your students

will be sitting together at Cambridge certificate.

Yes.

And we're all looking forward to it.

I'm sure we're all going to pass with flying colors.

Then you have more faith in them than I have.

Now, here is a set of last year's examination papers.

I'd suggest this evening that you set them a mock exam

and see how good or, otherwise, they are.

Close up.

All right.

Very good.

Don't forget to be getting my turban in.

Smile, please.

Who want picture?

Yes, please.

One for my brother.

Two for me.

Ah, So

One for me, please.

Me, too.

You two of 2?

One, too.

One.

One, too, for me, please.

That is, I am meaning, one, too, as well.

Not one, two.

One.

I like also to be having one for me.

And one for my mother, one for my father, one for my brother,

one for my sister, one for my uncle, and one for my auntie.

And one for his donkey.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but the names will never be hurting me, you clever monkey.

Correcto.

Your book, Danielle.

- Thank you, Max. - It's all right.

Your handbag.

Just a minute.

Hey, next time you carry the handbag, huh?

No, I think it suit you more.

Hey, give me a kiss.

Your hand bag.

Thank you, Giovanni.

You just missed it.

We are having our photographs taken by Taro.

Taro, I would very much like you to take a photograph of me.

Hey, I take your picture.

You have not a camera.

Sure, I got a camera at home.

You come back with me after the class

and we take lots of pictures.

And then we can see what develops, hey?

What you say?

I say no.

You want her picture in classroom?

Yes.

How about here?

Bellisima.

Magnifica.

Hey, higher.

Excuse, please.

No more higher.

You are giving me attacks.

Me, too, but I'm liking it very much.

Now I take your picture.

Ready? - Ready.

Ready.

Mamma Mia.

No good.

No good?

You must be joking.

She's beautiful.

Too close.

Top half or bottom?

But you are not taking her bottom.

Just take the head and the shoulders.

Eh, you can take one of the legs for me after.

OK.

Very good.

Ready?

Ready.

Look at camera.

What's going on here?

Oh, I'm having my photograph taken.

Really?

Very nice.

Can you do me a big favor?

What sort of favor?

I would like to have a photograph taken with you.

Yes.

I don't think I've got time for that sort of thing.

Oh, please.

It's for my mother and father.

I've told them all about you, and they

would love to have a photo.

Yes.

Well--

You sit here.

And what about you?

I'll sit on your knee.

You're sure this is for your parents?

Of course.

Ready?

Look at the camera.

We were having our photograph taken.

I was not aware that photography

was included in the curriculum.

Yes.

Would you all sit down, please?

And, Danielle, would you stand up?

But what about our photo?

Yeah.

We'll see about that later, all right?

Let's sit down.

It was for her parents.

I just came to bring you the answers to last year's

examination papers.

Thank you.

Huh.

I hope I didn't get you into trouble.

- I'll survive. - Right.

Now, before we do anything else, I want all of my old students

to write down the word crackers on a piece of paper.

Crackers?

Yes.

I want to find out how you spell it.

You don't know how to spell it?

I do, but I want to see if you do.

OK.

Oh, so it was you.

Please?

You wrote this on the wall of the gents toilet?

'Scuse, please, I'm not writing anything

on the wall of the toilet.

Then how do you account for the fact

that you misspelled crackers?

K-R-A-K-K-E-R-S. Whereas, you looked

at everybody else's paper, you would discover

that they have spelt it--

well, at least you're all consistent.

All right.

In the future, please, no more writing on walls.

Now, pay attention.

In a few weeks time you will all be

sitting for your examinations.

That is good.

Much better than me sitting for examination than standing.

I'll rephrase that.

In a few weeks time, you will all be taking

your Law Cambridge certificate.

And to find out how you're progressing,

we are going to have a mock exam.

That is to say, an imaginary one.

But during the second half of the lesson,

I want to see how many you can answer to find out

your strengths and weaknesses.

You can study the questions during the tea break.

I would rather be studying the answers.

Yes, I'm sure you would.

Right now, firstly, have you all done your homework?

Good.

Well, we'll see how well you've done.

Juan. - Por favor?

What answer did you give to question one, explain what

is wrong with the following sentence,

the cows was in the field.

One momentito.

The cows was not in the field.

No, Juan, that is not the correct answer.

The cows was in another field.

Cows were in the field.

I didn't see them.

All right.

Now Ranjeet, question two.

Name the three classes of gender and give an example of each.

Thousand apologies.

But I answered that question, it's nothing.

You mean, you have not answered the question.

That is the gist of what I am saying.

I am not comprehending the meaning of the word gender.

Gender is the grammatical classification

of the sex of proper nouns.

But we're learning about English, not about sex.

You cannot learn sex from books, Ranjeet.

You either have it or you don't have it.

I admit I know all about sex.

Me, too.

Yes.

Well, may I remind you that we are not here to discuss sex.

Why not?

This is very interesting subject.

Yes, I'm aware of that, but there's a time

and a place for everything.

You tell me the time and the place and I shall be there.

Quiet, please.

Can we get back to the matter of your homework.

Ranjeet, what gender refers to whether or not a proper noun

is masculine or feminine?

Now I am understanding.

And what is the other?

Other what?

Gender.

There are three classes of gender.

One is masculine, one is feminine, and the other is?

Neuter.

Thousand apologies.

All right.

Su-Lee.

Yes, Mr. Brown.

Question 3, give the feminine of the following.

Lion.

Lioness.

Lioness.

Lioness.

No, Loo, loo.

Roo, roo.

You're not saying it right.

Very sorry.

I know.

Try saying Rioness.

Lioness.

Good.

In the future, every time you see an L,

pretend it's an R, all right?

Anna?

Yeah.

Feminine of Duke?

Dukess.

Duchess.

Jamila.

G.

Now, be careful.

The feminine of monkey.

Monkey-ess.

No.

No?

No.

The feminine of monkey is monkey.

There is no difference between masculine and feminine.

'Cuse, please.

You are mistaken.

I've seen them in the zoo, and there is a very big difference.

I am referring to the word itself,

not their physical appearance.

Ali.

Yes, please.

Question 4.

Explain what is wrong with the following sentence.

Waiter, I would like some chops of pork.

Waiter, I would not like some chops of pork.

No, Ali, that's not right.

Yes, please.

It is against my religion to be eating pork.

The word pork is immaterial.

How do you feel about lamb?

Oh, blimey, I like lamb very much.

Right.

And then suppose that the question read, waiter, I

would like some chops of lamb.

What is wrong with that?

I should be asking for minty sauce.

You should be asking for lamb chops, not chops of lamb.

Jolly good.

Question 5.

Quite a hard one, this.

Construct a sentence using the word indisposition.

Sure.

Every Saturday I play football, and I

am being the goalie keeper, because I

like playing indisposition.

Silence.

This is no laughing matter.

If your present standard is anything to go by,

you haven't a chance of passing your exams.

Now, I suggest you all take an early tea break,

study those questions, and let's hope that you show

some signs of intelligence.

Otherwise, we might as well stop wasting each other's time.

Hey, Max.

Professore is mad at us.

Sure.

We must do good with these questions.

Yeah, we got to get every question right.

How we do that?

I've got an idea.

Professore has got the answers, right?

So.

So we get them from him.

He's not going to give them to us.

He don't have to.

We steal them.

There you are, deary.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Who's next?

Me, please.

Tea or coffee?

Hot water.

Hot water?

Yes, please.

I bring my own tea bag.

You can't do that.

But I'm already doing it.

I'm starting economy right.

But that tea bag has already been used.

Most definitely.

I making three cups of tea out of one tea baggie.

Well, I'm sorry, you can't make your own tea.

Oh, blimey. Then I'm not having any at all.

Next.

Who's next?

Buenas noches, my little flower.

How beautiful you look tonight.

Just like an Adonnya.

Are you talking to me?

Si.

No.

No.

Whatever it is you're after.

It's nothing.

Huh?

Well, maybe just one little thing.

You see, I am a--

I am a little tall with the money.

I pay for the coffee tomorrow, no?

No.

No money, no coffee.

Ah.

Ha.

Ranjeet, you are my friend.

Mi amigo.

You lend me 10 cents.

I'm only having 10 p.

S'all right.

Senora.

Gracias.

Thank you.

Hey, you are taking my last 10 p.

You're my very good friend

Coffee, please.

10 p.

I'm not having any money.

You're not having any coffee.

Can you be lending me 10 p.

Yes.

OK.

1,000 thank yous.

But I'm making one condition.

What is that?

I want to hear you say all Muslims are nice, kind,

and most wonderful persons.

You fine saying that.

You be lending me 10 p.

If you are saying that, I will be giving you a 10 p.

Very well.

All Muslims are nice, kind, and wonderful persons.

Jolly good.

There's only one thing.

Word, please.

All Sikhs are very big liars.

Now, listen everybody, because this is very important.

What's the matter?

It's about the test we have.

We got to do good.

Otherwise, we're all in the minestrone.

In the soup.

That's right.

Now, we have got a plan.

What plan?

We the answers.

That is cheating.

That's right.

I do not cheat.

Perhaps the exam is not too bad.

Maybe we can answer the question OK.

Yeah.

It's not too difficult. Let's have a look.

Question one.

Construct sentences using the forward types of clauses.

A verbal clause of time, nonclauses,

object of preposition, and main clause coordinate with first.

Well, Anna.

How we steal the answers?

Mr. Brown?

Your students have been at it again.

I hope it's not more graffiti.

No, not this time.

Read this.

Young viral male student wishes

to meet nice lady from cookery class for evenings

of mutual pleasure.

Apply Maximilian Papandrious.

Kindly inform Mr. Papandrious that the notice

board is for official notices and not

for procuring young women.

Right.

I'm sure his intentions were quite innocent.

- Evenings of mutual pleasure? - Yes.

Well, he probably only wanted her to whip up an omelet.

Well, tell him to whip up his own omelets.

Right.

I'll have a word with him.

See that you do.

Your coffee, Miss Courtney.

Thank you, Gladys.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Brown, how is the mock examination

coming along?

Oh, we haven't started it yet.

We're going to get cracking just as soon

as we finished our tea break.

Well, I do hope that the results will be good.

Otherwise, I shall have to think about axing the course.

Axing the course?

You wouldn't do that, certainly.

I most certainly would.

It would be a complete waste of time

for them to carry on and sit for an examination

they have no hope of passing.

Thank you, Gladys.

Well, that's it.

I've had it.

Well, I didn't think your class was as bad as that.

Oh, they are at the moment.

I'm sure that when the time comes they'll pull through

with flying colors, but right at the moment,

the only thing they like to get right on the test paper

is their names. And even that's doubtful.

Well, you'll have to help them with the answers.

What, give them the answers?

Not exactly give them to them, just

leave them lying around where they can see them.

That is cheating.

No, not exactly.

It's not as though it's a real exam.

I mean, you said yourself they come out with flying colors.

It's a pity if the course has to be canceled all

because of failing a mock exam.

But you know best.

That's much too obvious.

How are we stealing the answers?

I know.

First, we hit him on the head.

That's no good.

We make too much mess.

We've got to get him out of the class.

How we do that?

I don't know.

Hey, let's all think.

Studying hard?

Professore, you're here.

Yes.

Sit down.

Have a cup of tea.

Have two cups of tea. We'll be back.

Max. - Yeah.

Well, just a minute, Max, I want a word with you.

- Me? - Yeah.

I believe that this--

this notice is yours?

- Sure. - Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid Miss Courtney will not allow you to have

that on the notice board.

OK.

As a point of interest, did anybody from the cookery class

respond? - Sure.

She was beautiful.

We had a fantastic time.

Never before I had such a time.

What did you cook for you?

Cook?

We had takeaway.

Where are you going?

We got to spend two P.

Well, the phrase is spend a penny.

Sure.

I spend a penny, he spend a penny.

A long time ago, near the classroom, I hope.

No, Professore.

You see, I just left the answers on my desk

and I wouldn't want you to be looking at them

and copying them down.

Would we do that, Max?

No.

That would be cheating, Mr. Brown, wouldn't it?

Yep.

Nearly finished.

All right.

You looking for somebody?

Mr. Brown in the classroom?

No, Mr. Brown is in the tea room.

Down the corridor and on your left.

I am familiar with the geography of this building.

Sure.

- Would you mind moving? - What for?

I wish to enter the classroom.

But Mr. Brown is in the tea room.

So you have already told me, but I wish to wait

for him in the classroom.

OK.

Miss Courtney.

You want to go into the classroom, Miss Courtney?

I will open the door for you, Miss Courtney.

I am not deaf.

Hello, Mr. Capello.

Already for taking your exam?

Sure.

All ready.

Good.

Ah, Miss Courtney, did you want me?

No, I just thought that I would supervise the class

during their mock examination.

Yes, well, there's no need to do that.

I'm quite capable of doing it myself.

Mr. Brown, when the students take their real exam,

you will not be allowed to stay in the classroom,

never mind supervise.

It's a precaution against any attempt to cheat.

Cheat?

Yes.

It has been known in the past for an over enthusiastic

teacher to provide his students with the answers.

Really?

How contemptible.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have exactly one hour

to complete this paper starting from now.

Excuse me, please, Miss Courtney.

- Yes? - Can I spend a penny, please?

All right.

But hurry.

You don't need to take your exercise book with you, do you?

Just maybe I think of an answer so I write it down.

Now, come along, Mr. Nadim.

Yes, please.

What are you going on to?

We are not getting along to anywhere.

I just want you to get started on the answers.

I'll do my best.

Excuse me, please.

Yes.

Toilet, please.

Very well.

But don't be long.

Ah, here are the answers.

I put them in my book already.

Good.

I put them in my book.

Hey, I go tell Ali, Ranjeet..

OK.

Hey, we're pretty smart, hey?

Sure.

We have no trouble with this exam.

I be very quick.

Would you like to go to the toilet, Mr. Brown?

No, no, not at all.

Everyone else has been.

Yes.

Well, it's probably the cold weather.

You have another five minutes, Miss Schmidt.

I'm finished.

Well, good, then I'll take your book.

Has anyone else finished?

I'll collect up your books and I'll take them.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Very much.

Gracias.

Thank you.

All right.

I'll take these home with me tonight

and mark them personally.

I do hope they've done reasonably well.

So do I. Otherwise, it's the ax.

Well, blimey.

You're chopping his head off?

Only metaphorically.

Oh, you have about two minutes, Miss Chung.

Not necessary.

Finish.

Thank you.

Well, good night, everybody.

I shall see you all tomorrow.

Oh, just a minute, Miss Courtney,

won't you need the answers?

I shant need them, Mr. Brown.

However, I might as well take them,

it might speed up the marking.

Oh.

Is something the matter?

These are the wrong answers.

These aren't the answers to last year's paper,

they're the previous year.

I must have picked them up by mistake.

Oh, I suppose last year's answers must

still be in my filing cabinet.

Are you feeling all right, Mr. Brown?

You look a little pekid.

No, no, I'm fine.

Never felt better.

Mr. Brown?

Good evening, Miss Courtney.

Mr. Brown, I marked your students examination papers

last night. - Yes.

Well-- - Unbelievable.

I can explain.

Everybody answered every question correctly.

You see what happened--

And did you say?

Everybody answered every question correctly.

Good Lord.

I told you it was unbelievable.

It's positively miraculous.

See for yourself.

But these are the answers you gave me last night.

That's correct.

But you said they were the previous year's answers.

Yes, but I discovered last night that I had also given you

the previous year's questions.

Congratulations, Mr. Brown, your students are a credit to you.