Original subtitles

Thank you, dear.

Isn't it time we went back to the class.

We OK yet.

We wait for Giovanni.

Have a sit down.

Sit.

Charlie.

This is Sid, the care taker.

Most happy to be making your acquaintance.

Nice to meet you.

You want a cup of coffee, Sid?

Ay?

A cup of coffee.

No thanks.

No, I'd soon have a fag.

Surely, you can have a fag!

Hey, Max, cigarette for Sid.

Very kind of you.

Sid is going to talk to us.

What is he going to be talking about?

Well, anything.

It's to improve our English.

Instead of us all the time speak to each other,

we speak with Sid.

I think that's a good idea.

Well, what are we going to talk about?

You'll have to talk up.

I'm a big man, Jeff.

Excuse me.

Who are these Mutt and Jeff?

Mutt and Jeff is deaf.

- Ah,.. - What

are we going to talk about?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd sooner see him with me plates of meat.

Excuse me.

I'm not seeing any plates of meat.

No, no.

Plates of meat is feet.

Your feet are plates of meat?

Yeah.

It's slang, you see.

It's dead easy if you use your Uncle Ned.

I don't have an Uncle Ned.

Huh?

No, Uncle Ned.

Your Uncle Ned. - Uncle Ned?

- Yeah. - Uncle Ned?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean he's crazy?

No.

I think you are though.

I think you were taking a Mickey out of me.

No.

But we are interested in everything you tell us.

You're already teaching us words we not learn before.

Yes, please teach us more.

Yeah?

All right, I'll tell you what happened to me last night.

Yes, please.

Well, I went home and I had bull and a cow

with a traveling stripe, you see?

It was ,, so I went down

and throwed the toad into the rub-a-dub

and I met an old China plate.

It looked to be Uncle Dick, so I got me Jack the dandy

and had a One thing led to the other,

we both got.

And I'm standing out dirt

and me daisy roots, and fell backwards

on the apples and pears.

We are better off talking with each other.

Isn't it time you were all back in the classroom?

Sorry, Professore.

We've just been talking with Sid.

Oh, yeah, I've been trying to help

with their English, Mr. Brown.

Oh, that should set them back a few weeks

I beg your pardon?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Oh, all right.

We are not understanding a word he is saying, Mr. Brown.

Hes telling us about his Uncle Dick, and somebody called Jack

the Dandy, and.

He was speaking in rhyming slang.

And all the time, we think he's English.

He is English.

He is what is known as a Cockney.

You see, rhyming slang he's merely using words

that rhyme with the word you wish to use.

For example, mince pies is eyes.

Plates of meet are feet.

Yes.

I understand.

Uncle Ned is head.

That's right.

And what is Uncle Dick?

I presume that's sick.

And Jack the Dandy?

Brandy.

And the?

Drunk.

But that's not a rhyme.

Yeah, well, it's near enough.

Come on, it's--

What is going on in here?

Where is Mr. Brown?

Oh, he will be here any minute.

He is coming from the tea room.

10 minutes is the normal time allowed for tea, Mr. Brown.

Of course.

We were discussing parts of speech.

Well, in future I'd be obliged if you'd do it in the class.

Certainly.

Now, then.

How are your students coming along with their English?

- Extremely well. - Good.

Then I shall stay and listen for a few minutes.

Ah.

But don't worry.

I shan't interfere.

I make it a practice to drop on the classes

from time to time to see what sort of progress is being made.

It's beef stroganoff in the cookery class tonight.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, I just thought you might, uh, fancy a bit.

I mean, uh--

Well, I don't.

So will you please begin?

Right.

For the rest of this period, we're

going to talk about shopping.

Oh, I like him.

He's very good.

Pardon?

Chopin.

I like his polonaises.

Of Bom ba bom.

Ba ba ba ba bom ba bom.

Bom ba bom.

No, Giovanni, that's Chopin.

He must have misheard me.

Now, we're going to talk about shopping.

Buying things.

Now I have here various items which at some time or another

you will all probably have to purchase.

So I'm going to hold them up and ask you to identify them,

and we'll see how well you do.

All right. Who should we start with?

Ali.

Yes, please.

- What is this? - Apple.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Very good.

You're not supposed to eat it.

Oh, I'm most sorry.

I only had a small bite.

You may as well finish it now.

Xiu Lee, what is this?

It is olange.

Rrrr.

Rrrr.

Orange.

O ringe.

That's better.

You really must work at those R sounds.

I tlied velly hard.

Try saying "Around the rugged rock, the ragged rascal ran."

A lound the lugged lock, the lagged lascal lan.

Yes, you're going to have to keep practicing.

Anna, what is this?

Paper bag.

Yes.

Yes, but what's inside it?

I do not know.

I cannot see inside.

It's flour.

You know what flour is.

Yah, what you wear to wedding.

No, it's not that kind of flower.

This is how to make pastry and bread.

Ah, weiss meal.

Jamila, what is this?

Yes, I'm sure you're right, but what is it in English?

Have you never heard of a carrot?

Carrot?

Yes, carrot.

Oh, huh, horse and carrot.

It's incredible.

No, no, no.

Jamila, that's horse and cart.

This is, this is a carrot.

Who can tell me what these are?

- Fish fingers. - Good.

Well done.

Excuse, please.

No, Ali, don't say it.

Why do I not say?

You were going to say something about fish

not having fingers.

Yes, please.

Yeah, well, don't bother.

Max?

Tom-ah-tow.

Good.

Taro?

Po-tah-tow.

Po-tay-tow.

Ah, so.

Giovanni?

Uh, lime juice.

Good.

Juan?

Cow juice.

Milk.

Ah, si.

Milk.

Do you know where we get milk from, Juan?

Si, senora. The milk man.

Quiet, please.

We get milk from cows.

Si.

Cow.

Ranjheet?

Corn flakes?

- No, oats. - Oats?

Ah.

That is oats.

My friend, who I am working with,

every morning he is telling me last night he's had his oats.

He's telling me he is liking them very much.

I'm sure he does.

Who can tell me what this is?

- Back-on. - Good.

And where does back--

bacon come from?

Uh, the milk man.

Bacon does not come from the milk man.

Every week I buy the bacon from the milk man.

Pig.

Pig.

Pig?

You are calling me a pig?

You are a pig, you Italian ravioli.

Ah, shut your plates of meat, you Uncle Ned.

All right.

That'll do.

Juan, what Giovanni was trying to say

is that bacon comes from a pig.

Sorry.

Now, can anyone tell me what we call

a pig after it has been killed?

Yes, please.

It is dead pig.

No, Ali, you know that's pork.

- Right. - What is this?

Anybody?

Tin of meat?

Yes.

Well, actually, it's a tin of dog meat.

Oh, blimey.

They are putting Dogs in tins to eat?

I think I've heard enough.

They are better than they were.

They could hardly be worse.

She's absolutely right, you know.

Some of you are very behind with your English.

I mean, I spend a lot of time preparing these lessons,

and some of you don't take them half as seriously as you might.

It's time you put your shoulders to the wheel.

What wheel, please?

Learning.

I think you'd better stay a half hour extra tonight.

It's Friday night!

And I got a date.

Yeah, well, I don't care.

I want you to do all the exercises on page 53.

All of them.

And you don't go until you've finished.

Good night.

I've locked up the tea room, Sid.

Thanks,.

You fancy a drink, girl?

No, ta.

I want to get home.

Oh, I must have a pint.

My throat's spitting feathers.

Oh.

- All right. - What was that?

I think it is somebody at the door.

Come in.

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Cheerio, Sid.

See you Monday.

Good night, Betty.

Ah, it's no good.

I can't get it open.

I know.

Why not we smash we smash the door up?

Down.

It's worth a try.

All right.

Stand back, everyone.

Be careful of splinters.

You've nearly broken the door.

I think I've broken my arm.

We are all going to die.

Don't be so dramatic.

Maybe we all shout again.

I don't think my throat could stand any more.

Hey, look. There's a man in the street.

Oh, you're right.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

He won't hear us from up here.

wave to him.

He's seen us.

Good.

He's waving back.

He obviously thinks we're just being friendly.

Ah, he's gone.

We are all going to die.

Nobody is going to die.

What we need is something to attract

the attention of the passersby.

Yeah.

Danielle should wave from window by herself.

Yes, it still may not be sufficient to attract

enough attention.

It would if she took her clothes off.

That's a good idea.

No, it is not.

Just sit down.

Everyone.

Good.

I'll just have to think this one out.

There must be a simple solution.

Well, if there isn't, we'll just have

to stay here until somebody misses one of us.

But what if nobody is missing anybody?

We could be being stuck here, together, until Monday morning.

We are all going to die.

Ali, nobody is going to die.

Only you is going to die.

Me?

Yes, because if you say that we're all going to die once

more, I shall strangle you.

Now, there are 11 of us here.

It's quite obvious that sooner or later, one of us

will be missed.

Will you be missed, sir?

Well, no, but I live alone, in a flat, but, for example,

take Danielle.

I would love to take Danielle.

I'm sure that being an au pair,

your English family will miss you when you don't return.

No.

They are away for the weekend.

Oh.

Oh, well, I know.

What about your English family? Are they away?

No.

- They'll obviously be worried. - No.

No?

It's my weekend off.

I was spending it with Danielle.

We are all going to die.

Ali!

Well, Taro, what about you?

You're married.

I mean, won't your wife miss you?

Wife is already missing me.

Well, there you are.

Unfortunately, she is with parents.

In Tokyo.

Well, uh, but what about you, Giovanni?

I mean, you work in a restaurant,

and surely your employer will miss you.

Yea, sure he's going to miss me.

Yeah, well, so, presumably, he'll do something about it.

Yeah.

He's going to give me the sack.

Look, somebody here is bound to miss somebody.

And if the worst happens, then we'll--

well, don't worry.

We can survive the weekend.

We've got plenty of food and drink.

We just have to keep our spirits up,

try and keep cheerful, think of things

to do to pass the time away.

I tell a joke.

Good idea, Giovanni.

We'll all tell jokes.

That'll help pass the time.

Go ahead, Giovanni.

OK.

There was this man and he had gangrene in the leg--

Are you sure this is a joke?

Sure.

It's very funny.

Anyway, he goes to the hospital to have the leg chopped off.

After the operation, when he comes back to being conscious,

he sees the doctor looking very worried.

"What's the matter, doctor," he say.

The doctor reply, "Senor, I've had the bad news,

and I have the good news."

So the man say, "Hokey, cokey.

Give me the bad news."

And the doctors say, "I've chopped off the wrong leg.

"Santa Maria," the man say.

"Well, what's the good news?"

And the doctor say, "Your other leg is getting better!"

Go on.

But that's the joke.

Very droll.

Ah, another Uncle Ned.

Has anybody else got a funny story?

Do you know, It takes two Sikhs to milk one goat?

Two?

Yes, please.

One to be holding the tits, and one to be pulling the goat

up and down, up and down.

And do you know that in Pakistan, they have no ice?

Because the man who is known to be making ice has emigrated.

Are you saying all Pakistanis are stupid?

No.

Just you.

Sit down.

No more racialist jokes, please.

Anybody else got a funny story?

Funny story, a joke?

Cheese steak.

Ah, a cheese steak.

Yes, well I'm sure that was extremely hilarious, if you

only knew what it was about.

Taro, what about a Japanese joke, in English please?

Old Japanese proverb say, man who seduces girl

on hillside, not on the level.

That's very clever.

Xiu Li, what about a sample of Chinese humor.

In Democratic Republic of China,

we have no time for decadent, bourgeois humor.

No, I don't suppose you do.

Danielle, what about you?

Oh, I have a French joke for you.

Good.

Yes, I'll tell you about a Catholic priest.

- Yeah, that sounds better. - Yes?

Yes No, no, no.

Tell us your lot.

Well, there was this priest out walking,

and a comes up to him and say,

"Father, come quickly!

There's a man on top of the Eiffel Tower

and he's going to jump."

So, the father goes to the tower and sees this man.

"What are you doing?

You're mad!

Think of your family!

Think of your wife!"

So, the man, he says, "My wife has left me.

I have no family, so I jump."

So, the priest, he tries one more time.

So he says, "But it is a sin against the Catholic "

and the man, he says, "I am not a Catholic."

"OK," says the priest.

"Jump."

Yes, Anna, what about a German joke?

I do not know any jokes.

No?

Hey, Professore, why don't you tell us a joke?

All right.

I'll tell you one that I heard at my last school.

One of the boys was sent home one day

and his father asked him why was he sent home,

and refused to tell him.

So the father went to see the headmaster,

and the headmaster said, "I'll tell

you why your son was sent home.

When one of the teachers asked him who pushed over the walls

of Jericho, he said, 'It wasn't me.'" So the father said,

"Well, if he said he didn't do it, he didn't do it."

Excuse, please.

What's the matter, Ali?

Didn't you understand the joke?

Yes, but what I don't understand, who did

push down the walls of Jericho?

Ah, well, anybody else got a joke?

No?

What about a sing song?

I am knowing good English sing-song all about

rolling me over in the clover.

I don't think we want that one, thank you.

Does anybody know "Daisy"?

- Is she beautiful? - No, it's a song.

"Daisy."

It goes like this, "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.

I'm half crazy over the love of you--

"Oh, well, I know we'll

meet again some sunny day.

Some sunny day!"

Excellent!

Very nice.

Right.

What should we sing next?

Can't we have a rest?

I don't know that one.

Is it French?

Yes, I'm sorry, can anybody tell me the exact time?

Three minutes after 11.

Good.

Only another 58 hours until Monday morning.

- My wife's an angel. - You're lucky.

Mine's still living.

What's that?

Hallo!

What's that?

I must be as drunk as you are.

There's a teacher waving at me through the window.

On I'm obviously worse than I thought.

I can see him, and I don't even know him.

I hope you haven't dragged me down

here on a wild goose chase.

I'll tell you, I definitely saw him.

It's most inconvenient.

It's not my fault if I lost the key to the front door.

Of course it's your fault, you silly little man.

Ah, at last.

Miss Courtney, how nice to see you.

I'm afraid I can't return the complement.

Come on, come on.

On you go.

Good night.

Good night.

Sorry about all this.

Hurry up.

Good night.

Quickly.

I'll go and see if there's anybody else about.

I really am very sorry.

I should hope you are.

Hope it hasn't inconvenienced you--

Well, of course it's inconvenienced me.

I was quite happily curled up in bed with Daphne du Maurier.

I am really sorry about this.

Oh, uh, I've, uh--

Now what's the matter?

I've left my shopping in the class.

Well, for heaven's sake, hurry up and get it.

Thank you.

For heaven's sake, are you going to take all night?

No, no.

I'm just putting these things away.

- Well, do hurry up. - I will.

Sid?

Sid!

Sidney!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

We're locked in. - Oh, well, we mustn't panic.

We can last out until Monday morning.

Have a carrot.

Let's have a sing-song, shall we?

Should we start with "Daisy"? Do you know how it goes?

"Daisy, Daisy--