Original subtitles

Kalisperas, everybodies.

Buenos noches.

Oh, Max, can you help me?

Sure, anything you want.

I'm in very big trouble.

I kill him.

Who you kill?

The man who put you in big trouble.

There is no man.

No, it's my homework.

I no finish it.

I haven't even started it.

Well, Mr. Brown is going to be very angry.

Don't worry, Giovanni, he's going to fix everything.

Yeah?

- Buona sera. - Hola.

- Hola. - OK, who wants the homework?

Only 10p each.

One for me, si, grazie.

Hey, hey, hey, 10p, no peseta.

OK, who's next?

- Yes, please. - Giovanni.

Molto grazie.

Yeah.

How we know answers right?

Sure answers are right.

My landlady's little boy writes them down.

Ah, very good.

Silence.

Sit down.

Quiet, quiet please.

Now, where is Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown not arrive.

Oh, this is too bad.

He should be here.

You want I give Mr. Brown a massage?

I presume you mean message.

Correct.

No thank you.

No, I shall wait until he arrives.

It will give me an opportunity to find out

how much you have learned, which is precious little, I suspect.

But madame, we learn a lot from Monsieur Brown.

Quiet now, quiet, quiet.

Very well.

Let's see if we can find out how much

you've learned from Mr. Brown.

Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word catalyst?

Ay, catalyst?

Now come along, somebody, catalyst.

Por favor, senora.

Yes?

In my country, Spain, most of the people are Roman Catalyst.

I don't believe it.

That's not right.

No?

Italy's a much bigger catalyst country.

Ah, Espagne, Espagne!

Come on, guys.

Class, please.

Good evening, Miss Courtney.

It's almost good night.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was detained at the paper shop.

Mr. Brown, I know that times are hard,

but do you have to deliver newspapers?

Oh, no, no, I bought them.

They're for the students as part of their education.

Well, they certainly need some education.

Yes.

Well, good evening.

Buona sera.

Hola.

Oh, "ex-squeeze" me, please.

I'm just this moment arriving.

"Ex-squeeze" me, again, I go.

What?

Ali, what are you doing?

Ah.

I come back.

Are you moving house?

Oh, not at all.

I'm coming here straight from work.

Oh, you've got a job.

Yes, please.

I'm a traveling salesman.

I go around knicking the doors.

Knocking.

That is correct.

What are you selling?

Oh, blimey, everything for the master or a mistress.

I show you some example.

Maybe you will be wanting to buy something.

No thanks.

I don't think that's my size.

So sorry, please.

This case is for the lady peoples only.

And this case is for the men people,

and everything very cut price.

Ah, look this, please.

Do not have to be tying it.

And also, if you are dropping soup, you'll be wiping it off.

It jolly good plastic.

Yes, very ingenious.

Only 1 pound 50.

You're wanting one?

No, thanks.

I'm telling you what I'm doing.

For you, only one pound.

Yeah, I don't want one, Ali.

Oh, how 'bout a jolly good shirt?

Ah, it is guaranteed 100% substandard.

No, thank you.

Ali, you got any socks?

- Plenty socks, 50p only. - Plenty.

Yeah, Ali.

Excuse, I'm serving.

OK.

I have two.

Right, one, two, money, money, money.

Thank you.

50.

Ah, now, tell me, anybody wanting any undertrousers,

all different colors?

How much?

Only 50p.

Ali, please.

Ah, you are wanting one.

I'm finding you a very good pair.

Oy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, lovely, lovely red, white, and blue,

just like Union Jack.

Very patriotic, but no thank you.

Have you any scarf?

Most definitely.

For you, only one pound, made in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong?

I not buy from capitalist state where workers

exploited as cheap labor.

Oh, ah, anybody else wanting something else?

Ali, please!

Ah, you are exchanging your mind.

No, I'm not.

Put the suitcase away.

This is not Petticoat Lane.

Just sit down, everyone.

Come along, Juan, Taro, sit down.

All right, before we do anything else this evening,

I want to find a monitor.

OK, you tell us where to look, we find one.

Giovanni, a monitor is a person

who can take charge of the class during my absence,

somebody intelligent enough to assume responsibility.

On second thought, perhaps it's not such a good idea after all.

Please, I think I'm making good monitor.

I think we'll alternate, have a different one each week.

It'll be a good experience for you.

Right, Anna, we'll start with you.

- Thank yah. - Thank you.

Thank you.

If you'll just hand these round and collect the homework.

Yah.

- Yes, Anna. - Yes.

And from now on, I want to hear no more foreign languages

spoken in this class.

From the moment you come in here,

you speak English all the time.

Is that understood?

Por favor?

No por favor.

Por favor finito.

English only.

S'alright.

Yes.

Thank you, Anna.

Now, have you all got a newspaper?

Si, professore.

Right, now I'm going to ask you each to read out

a passage from the newspaper, and then

we'll discuss it together, OK?

Max, you start us off.

American "hembassy" bug-"ed".

No, Max, bugged.

'Ey, my boss, he all the time says he's bug-"ed".

Yeah, so that may be so, Giovanni.

But the word we are dealing with is bugged.

Now, read it again, Max, correctly.

American "hembassy" bugged.

Good, now does anybody know what that means?

Ah, Taro.

It means American embassy full off little insects.

No, Taro, they're not that sort of bugs,

listening devices.

Jamila, can you read something from your newspaper?

Yeah, read something.

That way.

Ah, 8 B.

Yes, well, that's a start.

Um-- late again, Ranjeet?

Oh, Mr. Teacher, I am apologizing more soundly.

Yes, well perhaps next week you'll

try and get here on time.

I'm thinking next week I'm not being here at all.

You're leaving us?

I'm going to be joining my beloved ancestors.

You mean you're going to die?

Most definitely, I'm going to die by my own hand.

Please, if you are wanting any assistance,

I'm happy to be helping.

I thought you didn't like Sikhs.

That is why I'm happy to be helping.

All right, Ali, this is no laughing matter.

I think Ranjeet is serious.

Most certainly I am.

Well, why are you thinking of killing yourself?

I'm forced to be getting married.

Oh, ho, you randy old chapati.

You are putting some innocent lady in the pudding club.

,, you sorry Muslim pig.

All right, that'll do.

Look, I don't understand, Ranjeet.

Why are you being forced to get married?

According to the Sikh tradition,

I was betrothed when I was 12 to Surinder,

the 10-year-old daughter of the best friend of my father.

She was a beautiful girl, hair like silk,

eyes like black diamonds, and a figure

like a tender bamboo shoot.

And now her father is saying it is

time for me to be marrying her.

Well, if she's got eyes like black diamonds, hair like silk,

and a figure like a tender bamboo shoot,

what are you complaining about?

Blimey, that was 20 years ago!

Now she's putting on so much weight

that from behind she's looking like an elephant.

Matter of fact, she's looking like an elephant from front

also.

Can't you just tell her that you've changed your mind?

Not at all.

Only lady can change mind.

I am up the creek without a poodle.

You mean a paddle.

You not do it.

It's a sin to kill yourself.

It's the only course which is left open to me.

When you do this killing yourself?

Tonight.

Can we come and watch?

This is ridiculous.

People don't go around killing themselves

rather than break off an engagement.

But it is my religion.

Well, in that case, why don't you marry?

That would be worse than killing myself.

Well, come and sit down.

We'll discuss whether you kill yourself or not

during the tea break.

Would you all look at your new--

Mr. Brown.

There is an Indian lady in my office

who wishes to speak to Mr. Ranjeet Singh.

Excuse me, Missy.

This lady, is she resembling an elephant?

I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but she is rather large.

Blimey, 'tis Surinder!

Yeah, well, ask here to come along here, Miss Courtney,

would you?

That's very irregular.

Well, it is rather important.

Well, very well, but don't make a habit of it.

What are doing that for?

So we can talk to her, perhaps make her see reason.

There's not any way possible.

I kill myself.

Come on, put your--

Max, Giovanni, hold his arms.

Where is he?

He's not here yet?

Ah, I'll wait for him in the corridor.

He's promised to me, and I swear by holy guru, he is having me.

Well, what am I telling you?

Yeah, so I quite see your point about an elephant.

Still, don't worry, Ranjeet.

I'm sure some elephants are very nice.

Can I have knife back, please?

Promise you won't kill yourself?

Promise.

Killing myself is not going to help me.

That's the attitude.

I have much better idea.

I kill her!

No!

Ah, you're still there.

Yes, I still here.

I really think you ought to go home.

No, I wait for Ranjeet.

Well, I don't think Ranjeet will be coming tonight.

I wait.

She's still being out in corridor?

Yeah, I'm afraid so, Ranjeet.

Look, Miss Courtney is not going to be very pleased

when she finds out about this.

Oh, deary me.

What am I going to be doing?

Can't you just tell her you're not going to marry her?

But I am not going to be marrying Miss Courtney.

I am referring to Surinder.

Oh, no.

If I am telling her that, she is surely going to kill me.

Ah, you said you were going to kill yourself,

That is correct.

Yes.

Please, sir, in my country,

person commit hari kari.

It is custom for best friend to be present to chop off head.

Chop off head?

Hai, thshh!

I will be happy to assist.

You will do nothing--

nothing of the sort, Taro.

Now please, everybody, just sit down.

You're here to learn English.

We've had enough disruption for one night.

You should leave your personal problems at home.

Now look at your newspapers.

Juan, read out a headline.

Por favor?

The newspaper.

Ah, si, the newspaper.

Yeah, read something out.

Ah.

Increase in London rats.

London rats?

Si, increase in London rats.

Rates.

Pardon.

Yeah, Anna, your turn.

Vestern vorld velcomes vind of change.

Vonderful, uh, very good.

Danielle.

Prime Minister sold a pup.

Good, now that is a very good example of a figure of speech.

Prime Minister sold a pup.

Can you tell me what that means, Giovanni?

He's buying a dog.

No, it's a figure of speech.

Let me give you another example.

Prime Minister sold a dummy.

You know what that means? - Sure.

Do you understand me?

Yeah.

It's just one thing I don't understand.

Does he buy the dummy before or after he buy the pup?

He doesn't buy anything.

Ah, newspaper man's a big liar.

A figure of speech, I told you,

it's just a figure of speech.

It doesn't mean what it says.

Typical of imperial politicians

who distort truth and suppress working classes.

Thank you.

A figure of speech is a way of expressing an idea by way

of contrast or comparison.

If you're being sold a pup, or sold a dummy,

you're being cheated or deceived.

In England, we use figures of speech quite a lot.

For example, we say as quick as lightning,

as light as a feather, as clean as a whistle, as blind as a--

Su-Lee?

As blind as a bat.

Good, because bats cannot see.

Max, as deaf as a--

Postman.

No, Max, post, because posts cannot hear.

Neither can my postman.

Ali, as sly as a--

- Sikh! - Fox.

Ranjeet, as mad as a--

Muslim.

Hatter.

Taro, as drunk as a--

Noodle.

Yeah, well lord is more correct.

Jamila, as white as--

You.

Snow.

Ali, as smooth as--

Baby's bottoms.

All right, we'll break for tea now,

and continue with the newspapers when we come back, all right?

Please, how am I going to be getting out without being

observed by the fat one?

Well that's your problem.

My problem is how to get her off the premises

before Miss Courtney finds her.

Oh.

Look, I really think you ought to go home.

No I stay.

What is going on?

What is going on?

What is going on?

Yes, well, I'm talking to this lady.

Why is she here?

Well, she's talking to me.

Why is she sitting in the corridor?

Why is she sitting in the corridor?

Must you repeat everything I say?

I could have sworn that woman wasn't pregnant yesterday.

You're safe now.

Thank you, Jamila, thank you.

What you do now?

Maybe I jump out of the window.

You'll be lucky.

We're on the third floor.

Oh!

Mr. Brown, I have a feeling that something very peculiar

is going on.

No, no, everything's perfectly all right, I can assure you.

Are you going?

Yes.

Ah.

To get a cup of tea.

I only want a cup of tea.

Oh, blimey, that's Surinder.

Ah, that was sounding like my Ranjeet.

Where is he now?

I told you, he's not here.

Excuse me, dearie.

Eh?

Are you looking for the darkie fellow

with the beard and the bandage around his head?

Yes, where is he?

He's just gone around those curtains.

Come out, Ranjeet.

I am knowing you are there.

Come out!

Ah!

What is the meaning of this?

I am noticing windows very dirty.

So I'm cleaning them for you.

I like very much cleaning windows.

In the pitch dark?

Now come in off that window ledge at once.

Oh, certainly.

A thousand apologies.

Ah!

No, no, no, no, no.

I kill myself.

Yeah, well hurry up, 'cause tea break's nearly over.

I'm doing it.

Yeah, well do it then.

I'm going to join my ancestors.

Don't keep them waiting too long.

Bye bye, everybody.

Bye!

Ciao!

I'm doing it now.

Yes, so you keep saying.

This is it then.

Ow!

Maybe I'm having a cup of coffee before I do it.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Ah.

Ranjeet, we all know you haven't the slightest

intention of killing yourself.

So put your knife away, and let's discuss this properly.

Now, Surinder, as I understand it,

you and Ranjeet here were both betrothed

when you were children.

Most definitely.

Now he's not wanting to marry me.

Yeah, well you can't get married

unless you love each other.

It is his duty to be marrying me,

otherwise I'm losing my face.

I think she's lost it already.

You wouldn't be happy together.

I mean, can't you just agree to release

Ranjeet from his promise?

And what is to become of me?

Well, I'm sure you'll meet somebody else.

Ah, if I think I'll meet another man,

oh, I'll most gladly release Ranjeet.

You would?

Most certainly, but who is having me now?

Hm.

You know, Surinder, there is something

Mr. Brown is not telling you.

There is?

Oh, yes, indeed.

He has special reason for wanting

you not to be marrying me.

I have?

He is wanting to marry you himself.

He's wanting to be marrying me?

I'm wanting to marry her?

Oh, I accept!

Hola, Mr. Brown.

Good evening, Gladys.

Hey, when's the happy day, then?

There's not going to be any happy day.

It was all a complete misunderstanding.

Oh what a pity.

And I thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple.

With all due respect, she was a couple on her own.

Guys, that'll do, good evening.

All right, before we start, I've checked

your homework last night.

And I have a feeling that there's been some sort

of chicanery going on.

We not know what you mean.

No, Giovanni?

Well, I'll tell you.

First, see, there's the fact that five of them

were all in the same handwriting.

It's a sheer coincidence.

And is it also a coincidence that you all

answered question 7 as follows?

Question, explain what is wrong with the following sentence.

My dogs is in the garden.

Answer, I do not have a garden.

You owe me 10p!

Well, you will all receive extra homework tonight.

Please, this time make sure that you do it yourself.

I am apologizing again, but I am delayed by Surinder.

I thought she'd agreed to release

you from your marriage vows.

Oh, yes, she has.

But her father is coming to see you about your marriage vows!

Look, there's not going to be any wedding.

I have broken it off.

O, deary me, how painful.

I have written to Surinder's parents

explaining that I cannot possibly marry their daughter.

I've also pointed out the differences

between our religious and cultural backgrounds

and the fact that I have no intention of marrying anyone.

He should have got the letter this morning.

Oh, yes, he did.

That is why he's coming.

He's hoping to be slicing you into many pieces.

Pardon?

He's saying you are bringing disgrace on his daughter.

Don't be ridiculous.

This isn't the Punjab.

It's England, a civilized country.

People just don't go around slicing each other up,

and I shall tell him so.

Where is this illegitimate offspring

of a six-legged gamin?

Ah, blimey, I am not knowing where he is.

You see, he's not here.

He has emigrated. - Oh!