Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

- (bell tolling) - (organ music playing)

(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing)

STEWIE: Meet Alana Fitzgerald.

How she got here is quite a tale.

And I'm here to tell it to you.

I'll tell you all about Alana.

And who am I?

I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy.

Do you really not know that?

And now to our tale.

It started innocently enough late last month.

[♪ ♪]

(ends with flourish)

Oh, Alana, this lesson has been a treat.

You were always the best student.

And you were always the only teacher in town

who didn't rest a hand on my knee while I played.

(chuckles): It's okay. I'm not a teacher.

Chris, go to your room.

Sure thing, Mom. Just one more sniff of Finesse.

(sniffs loudly)

(exhales)

As you were.

Alana, it's been five years since you graduated,

and still no college plans?

I still want to audition for Juilliard,

but I still can't afford the $1,200 application fee.

Oh, you're not gonna tell me you can't pay

the seven dollars for today's lesson?

'Cause that's our sandwich money.

Will there be sandwiches then, miss?

[♪ ♪]

Peter, can I talk to you about Alana?

I have an idea.

You can talk about anything you want,

as long as you shout it over the Patriots game.

SPORTSCASTER: Critical third and seven for Mac Jones...

I just feel really bad for her.

You know, she's so talented, but she doesn't

have the money to apply to colleges.

- And it's a fumble! - Oh, no.

I know, it's sad. And that's where I think we can help.

- Somehow Mac Jones fell on it. - Come on, the clock is ticking.

Well, I just think we could hire her to help around the house.

You know, with the laundry,

driving the kids to school, all that stuff.

- ...for a touchdown! - Yes!

Thank you, Peter. I knew you'd understand.

Man, it just really sucks when you're playing from behind.

Exactly. That's why I'm so happy to help her out.

You know, I think we'll both sleep better tonight.

And the Patriots set up on defense.

PETER: Go for the sack!

Well, you did agree to the Alana thing.

Mm, where's my clothespin?

STEWIE: This gross encounter sealed the deal.

And just like that, Alana was welcomed

as a member of our family.

[♪ ♪]

- (doorbell rings) - Oh, that must be Alana.

What are you, the Amazing Kreskin?

Just open the damn door.

Ah! Welcome, Alana.

Oh, thank you, Lois.

Are you sure this is okay?

"Okay"? It's wonderful.

Come on, meet the rest of the family.

Now, of course, you know Chris.

Hi, Chris. Good to see you again.

And it will be good to see you again

through the bathroom keyhole.

That was not original to the house.

Hi. I'm Peter.

I enjoy middle-of-the-night hallway cereal.

I'm Meg. Don't touch my drum set, or you're dead meat.

STEWIE: No one had ever heard of Meg's drum set before this moment.

Oh, Lois, you're so lucky to have such a beautiful family.

I didn't grow up with any of this.

Let me show you where you'll be staying,

and you can get settled in.

Oh, there's plenty of time for that.

Let me get started on dinner.

I was thinking tacos and nachos?

Well, sounds good to me.

What do you think, Peter?

I just arrived in my pants.

(all cheering)

STEWIE: That night, we all ate tacos and nachos

that were so good, we stood and cheered.

We were the envy of the neighborhood.

Here, Joe.

Barely thawed trout and white rice.

This trout's the lucky one. It's over for him.

- What's that, Joe? - Thanks, Bon. Looks terrific.

[♪ ♪]

Did you guys know you have a pool in the backyard?

It was just overgrown with grass and weeds.

PETER: Cannonball!

There's no water in it, though.

PETER (audio rewinding): Llabnonnac!

Phew. That was a close one.

You know, Alana, I confess I wasn't sure

how this was going to work out, but you've been terrific.

Uh, you're just too good to be true.

STEWIE: Too good to be true.

Like a single Jewish doctor.

Hello? Where are you?

Doctors can be girls, too, so shut up.

Yes, everything seemed perfect in our household,

but sometimes things aren't what they seem.

We'd been so conditioned into believing

our mother's life was empty, we couldn't even fathom the idea

that another person would want it.

It was a real All About Eve moment.

Or, if you're under 70, a real Single White Female moment.

Or, if you're under 50, a real Swimfan moment.

Or, if you're Black, the Beyoncé movie Obsessed,

which I haven't seen but hear real good things about.

Yes, Alana was a regular Lisa,

which is the character from Obsessed,

which I just looked up.

(imitating Lois): Stewie, eat your vegetables.

STEWIE (chuckling): Okay, that's pretty good, but I'm onto you.

[♪ ♪]

(birds chirping)

Oh, 8:15.

Well, that's much later than I usually wake up,

but at least I won't react like a character in an '80s mov...

8:15?!

(upbeat music playing)

(panting)

I am so sorry.

I didn't realize how late it was.

You guys must be starving.

Wha... What's all this?

Oh, good morning, Lois.

I thought I'd let you sleep in.

Oh, that's nice.

- Where's Peter? - Oh, he's here.

He's just in the kid phase of the Mini-Wheats cycle.

The shrinking process was incredibly painful.

Mom, she made us eggs with falafel.

Or, as she calls it, "falafel à la Alana."

It's hard to say, but they're delicious.

I take adult-sized poops, but I have kid-sized parts.

I could die from this.

Yeah, that's-that's part of why I don't let Peter do that.

But you know what, I'm glad you guys

are all enjoying Alana so much.

Oh, she's the best.

In fact, Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring.

Wow, Meg, you're really good at this.

Yeah, I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how.

(gasps) Hey, maybe after this,

we can get out the cribbage board

and work on our pegging.

WEST: I'm Mayor Wild West,

and my neighbor's kid had to explain this to me.

Guess, this week, it's church on Sunday and Wednesday.

But anyway, back to our tale.

STEWIE: The dominoes were falling one by one.

Especially Peter, who found Alana to be a sheer delight.

That will be more clear when you see

how she's about to be dressed.

- (rustling) - Santa?

I can almost see your bum through your nightgown.

STEWIE: Any time Peter saw someone at 2:00 a.m.,

he assumed it was Santa.

Alana?

What are you doing up so nipples?

Sorry, I was just cleaning out the freezer.

Okay, any Popsicles that say

"property of Peter Griffin" are mine.

Got it. You see anything else you like?

I can think of one or two things.

Did you enjoy your five-course meal?

(laughs) I wouldn't consider an amuse-bouche

a full course unto itself.

(sighs) I guess you're right.

Hey, maybe we could split a Popsicle for dessert.

Yeah, sure, if any of them have your name on 'em, help yourself.

[♪ ♪]

Hey, thanks for taking me to the dog park, Lois.

Well, now that we have Alana, I've got more time

to do stuff like this.

Can I be honest with you, Brian?

Hmm. That's what a woman says

before she trashes another woman.

I'm a little worried about Alana.

I mean, the kids seem to like her,

and she's good at her job,

but maybe a little too good, you know?

I don't know, she seems cool to me.

I mean, yes, I know, she's very sweet.

(grunts)

But sometimes I feel like maybe she's after something.

I just don't know what it is.

(panting)

Well, maybe you're right.

I'll tell you what, I'll talk to Alana

and try to sniff out what's going on with her.

Oh, thanks, Brian.

I'd appreciate that.

I'll tell you, I'm starting to wish I never...

(grunts): Hired her!

(panting)

Hey, sorry about that.

Well, looks like Lois is plenty threatened

by that new girl who moved in, I tell you what.

[♪ ♪]

Wow. Dusting the den, huh?

You're really going the whole 8.2 meters.

- What? - Oh, sorry, nine yards.

I just read so many European authors,

I slip into metric sometimes.

Anyway, Alana, could you do me a favour... with a "U"...

And maybe do a little less housework?

Less housework? But that's why Lois hired me.

Well, I worry Lois might be feeling a little displaced

since you've been doing so much around the house lately.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable.

Hey, maybe we should discuss this while I brush your fur.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

This kind of stuff may have worked with the kids,

but I kind of look out for Lois in a way that they don't.

And believe me, Alana, I can get pretty mean if I want to.

(laughing): Oh, Brian, that's adorable.

And I love that you're so protective, but come on.

We all know you're just a big sweetheart.

And even if you were able to be mean to me,

I'd still be loving you.

Yeah, well... "Loving," you say?

(plays intro to "I'll Be Loving You")

- ♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪ - When?

♪ Cloudy days or sunny ♪

- ♪ Lovin' you ♪ - Are you sure?

♪ That's a promise, honey ♪

♪ When your kiss can no longer pack a thrill ♪

- (smooches) - Nothin'.

♪ I'll still be lovin' you ♪

- ♪ I'll be huggin' you ♪ - How?

♪ Like a baby panda, kissin' you ♪

- Where? - ♪ On your old veranda ♪

♪ When your charm, dear, is absolutely nil ♪

♪ Yeah, I know, you'll still be lovin' me ♪

♪ Billin', cooin' ♪

♪ You, I'll keep pursuin' ♪

♪ Always lovin' ♪

♪ Hotter than a baker's oven ♪

- Get out of here! - (yelps)

♪ This is true ♪

♪ Let no one deny it ♪

♪ I'll want you ♪

♪ Till I'm still and quiet ♪

♪ When my friends carry me across the hill ♪

♪ I'll still be lovin' ♪

♪ Turtledovin' ♪

♪ Still be lovin' you. ♪

Wow, you've got some pipes.

But about Lois... I'm still worried she's unhappy.

Unhappy? What's there to be unhappy about?

(plays intro to "Ain't We Got Fun")

♪ Every morning, every evening ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪

♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪

STEWIE: Despite Brian's initial skepticism,

they sang 19 numbers from the American songbook,

and he was sold.

Alana's victory over our family was complete,

and Lois realized she needed to take matters into her own hands.

Oh, hey, Loni.

Uh-oh, she's trying to assert dominance

by creating a fake nickname.

I see you're giving a bath to the Stew-Man.

She does it to me, too.

So, I was thinking, since you're so close

to making the $1,200 you need for Juilliard,

why don't I just throw in the difference for this week

and get you on your way, huh?

Thanks, Lois.

I'm so excited for you to spread your wings

and pursue your dreams.

She wants you out of here.

This is so generous, Lois.

I'll be on my way first thing in the morning.

Okay, you're all done, little man.

All right, let's do backside first,

get the heavy lifting out of the way.

[♪ ♪]

STEWIE: Lois thought the $1,200

had gotten Alana out of her life,

but it was the other way around.

Here's $1,200.

I want Lois Griffin dead by morning.

[♪ ♪]

Whoa. I can finally send my nephew to Juilliard.

He plays the melodica.

- Really? Is he any good? - You tell me.

He did the opening fanfare for 20th Century Fox.

(drumbeat plays)

(fanfare plays discordantly on melodica)

[♪ ♪]

(yawns)

Good morning, Chris. Good morning, Meg.

Good morning, Loi... Lois?!

[♪ ♪]

My clothes were in the wash,

so I borrowed your clothes and Peter's bra.

Boy, my morning jog was murder.

But, Alana, why is your hair red?

I decided to dye it.

I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan.

Well, that doesn't add up.

No one is a huge Kathy Griffin fan.

I beg to differ. Sometimes comedy is just energy.

And who cut my head out of these family photos?

Sorry, that was me.

Alana and I did some scissoring last night.

(chuckles) Is that so?

Oh, we were just having a little fun and got carried away.

Tell you what, I'll fix all the pictures

as soon as I get back from doing the groceries.

(groans)

I do the groceries, Alana.

You won't like me when I'm groceries.

(inhales deeply)

When I get back from the market,

I think it's best if you're gone.

I understand.

And don't worry, Lois.

After today, I promise you will never see me again.

[♪ ♪]

All right, let's check the grocery list.

Dozen eggs, orange juice, bread,

and one Sara Lee cheesecake I will take

tiny finger pinches of all the way home

and then throw in the outside trash.

Oh, God, I love shopping!

(gasps) What's this?

"Newer"? "Fancier"?

(sighs)

LOIS: What the hell?

All they sell here is rope and body bags?

I... Uh-oh.

[♪ ♪]

You guys, I just found this note from Mom.

"Dear family, I've decided to leave you all

and become a lesbian."

Wait, we can just do that?

Dad, how did this happen?

I blame myself.

Because of my fat, I can't be on top.

STEWIE: The whole family was so alarmed

that no one noticed Alana at the piano

practicing Lois's part of the theme song.

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

(melody continues on piano)

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

[♪ ♪]

Stop! Why are you doing this?!

Is this related to the virtual stranger

I let take over my life and family this past week?

- Please! - Shut up.

We're taking you to die.

- Well, are we there yet? - No.

- Are we there yet? - No! God.

- Just give her the iPad. - No.

The book says kidnap victims are getting

too much screen time these days.

They bond with the iPad, not with us.

(door opens)

(gasps)

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Yeah? - Please.

Please don't let two white women

make a podcast about my disappearance.

(screaming)

[♪ ♪]

Kids, now that your mother is gone,

I want you to be prepared for a lot of pee

on the floor next to the toilet.

This is a speech no father should ever

have to give his children.

I don't think you guys understand

what a huge loss this is.

Oh, I fully understand, Brian.

Lois is an angel. She's my soul mate.

There's never been another Lois, and there never will be.

Not for me.

She's irreplaceable.

(stomach gurgling)

Hey, Dad, what's for dinner tonight?

(gasps)

STEWIE: And so we return to where we began:

With Alana and her rather twisted path to the altar.

(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing)

(frantic, discordant music playing)

STEWIE: It's a very logistically kooky church.

We have gathered today suspiciously quickly

to celebrate the union of this man and this woman.

Now, before we begin, let me just say that yes,

I am the priest from YouTube who plays the guitar.

Pretty cool priest.

You can also catch me playing Fortnite on Twitch.

Now, I understand Peter has written his own vows.

- QUAGMIRE: Oh, no! - Yes, I have.

And I'm definitely not just reusing the vows

I said to Lois when we got married in the late '90s.

"Dear Lois: Whassup?

"You're the love of my life.

Yada yada yada, I'm hungry."

Unless anyone has a reason why these two

should not be married, I hereby...

(Lois screaming in distance)

(grunts)

Wait! Stop!

(all gasping, murmuring)

What is this?

In all my years as a cool priest,

I've never seen such a commotion

at Our Lady at the Bottom of the Hill.

This woman tried to take over my life

and murder me and...

Oh, my God, you're the guitar priest.

(chuckling): Oh, boy, not this.

This is the last thing I wanted.

Okay, now, who here knows "Jumper"?

This is a very serious accusation.

- Is it true, Alana? - I...

I'm sorry, Lois.

I just wanted your life so badly.

I've never seen a man love his wife

as much as Peter loves you.

God, you need to get out more.

And your beautiful children and your dog.

The baby, I never liked.

Well, I was onto you, so...

That's not why. (Yelps)

And you were gonna marry her?

I'm sorry, Lois.

The only things I liked about Alana

was the stuff she stole from you.

But who needs her when I got the genuine article right here?

I guess what I'm trying to say is:

What's for dinner?

Oh, Peter.

♪ I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend ♪

You're under arrest, Miss Fitzgerald.

Come on, you're coming with me.

♪ I would understand ♪

♪ I would understand... ♪

This is probably, like, my favorite arrest!

[♪ ♪]

(buzzer blares)

Thanks for agreeing to see me, Lois.

Mm-hmm. Get on with it.

What I did was unforgivable.

I've had a lot of time to think about things.

You have nothing but time in prison.

- Really? - I know it sounds crazy,

but I miss the sound of those kids' feet

running to wake me up at 6:00 in the morning.

Wh-When do you wake up?

I don't know, whenever they serve breakfast.

"They"? "Serve"?

I guess you don't have to cook for yourself in here, huh?

You're not allowed to.

I want to switch.

GUARD: Wrap it up, ladies.

Inmate, you're gonna be late for your knitting class.

Knitting class? What stitch?

All of them, I guess?

I want to switch. I want to switch.

I want to switch!

- STEWIE: And here ends our tale of... - (Microphone thumping)

Chris, Chris, what are you doing?

CHRIS: Dad said I can do voice-over, too.

STEWIE: Ugh, fine, you know what? You do it.

CHRIS: I'm Chris Griffin, and I once saw

a film called All About Beave,

and it was nothing like this.

Good night, everybody.