Original subtitles

Thirty-five hundred dollars?

This is the best, though, right?

Best material?

It's got to be perfect.

Signor Bianchi, this is the most beautiful suit in the world.

Can you have it ready by four?

You're out of your mind.

You don't do tests.

I don't do anything.

Anna, don't even start breaking me.

Hey!

Can you have it ready by four or not?

Absolutely.

It's no problem.

So?

All right, I'll see you at four.

Thank you.

You're an idiot!

Anna, don't worry.

But why?

I'm not your slave.

We change it out.

It's cheaper.

It's a size all ready to go.

He never notices.

It's no big deal, okay?

Ah, good job.

Come on, don't start.

Ah, yes, yes.

I'll do everything.

Then I'll pretend to be an idiot, if he notices.

But go home.

Go and cook.

But how beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Ma come bella, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Ma come bella, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Ma come bella, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Bella bimba, bella bimba.

Jackie, I can't take your money!

That one.

Every year it's the same thing.

You come in here, you buy a ring for your anniversary, and the same thing happens.

It's a beautiful choice, but it ain't cheap.

She deserves the best.

What's the matter with you?

That's an expensive ring.

Why don't you let my cousin Frankie put a zirconia on it?

Uh-uh.

I need this by four.

Kidding.

Is this a joke?

By four.

What am I, a magician?

Get out of here.

Carl!

Carl!

It's my grandmother's lipstick!

It's my grandmother's lipstick!

What's up, Jackie?

How you doing?

Carl!

Carl, please!

Please!

Sean, good day.

How are you?

Good day.

How are you?

All right.

Hey, Bill!

Paul!

What's up?

I'm all right.

Good day to be in love, you know?

Exactly.

Hey.

Give me the flowers.

I want flowers so beautiful they make these

look like they were lifted off a street vendor.

This'll take me days, and you give me what?

Two hours.

No way.

I need them by four.

I don't care.

4.30, then.

No.

I gotta surprise her by five.

Come on.

I am not gonna support your foolishness.

Teresa, you know I'm a loyal man, but if not

from you, I'll get them from someone else.

You are a romantic fool.

And you make me wanna vomit with this girl.

They'll be ready.

Get out of here.

Four o'clock.

Good morning, fellas.

Nice of you to show up, princess.

Not that we're busy or anything.

What do you got for me?

Cut the heads off of these for Signora Fiorentina.

I can't do that.

I'll take the register.

No fish work today.

Hold on.

I got the register.

Uh-uh.

It's the 19th of March, man.

Are you out of your mind?

Are you nuts?

What?

What?

I'm gonna paper all my walls with your love letters

And then invite you over some night Feels different.

What?

Is this the suit I chose?

No certo.

Why?

You don't like it now?

It looks good.

It's just... it feels different.

I don't know.

Signora looks fantastic.

Huh?

Beautiful.

Like the sun.

Good.

Because this guy feels beautiful like the sun.

Isabella, I love you more today than I loved you when...

I loved you.

Isabella, you're more beautiful to me than...

Your smell fresher than... That's ridiculous.

Hey, Mrs. Cordova.

How you been?

Always good.

I hate you, Mrs. Cordova.

Who is it?

It's your dad.

Buzz me up.

You're not my dad.

How do you know?

You ever been genetically tested?

Go play with your brothers.

Jake.

Happy anniversary.

Come on.

Buzz me up.

I got something for you.

Do we have to do this every year?

Come on.

Let me up.

This thing's burning a hole in my penis.

It's in my pocket.

I miss you so much.

Just...

I just want to talk.

Jake.

What the hell are you doing?

Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

It's our anniversary.

You don't have an anniversary, Jake.

She dumped you.

Eight years ago.

Eight years ago.

It was a misunderstanding.

We'll work it out.

A misunderstanding?

I'm gonna get it back.

Jake.

This is my family.

This is real.

This is between Isabella and me.

This doesn't concern you.

She's my wife.

She's my girlfriend.

We're married.

That's not my fault.

Yes, actually, it is.

Jake, please leave.

What did you expect, jackass?

Eight years.

You got a serious problem.

Get over it, huh?

She's my soulmate.

Yeah, your soulmate with three kids.

We found her problems.

I'd say.

You cheated on her with her sister.

And her best friend.

And her best friend in her parents' bedroom.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Like, you two wouldn't have done the same thing.

What I'm saying is, if you're truly soulmates, maybe you

would have considered that before you banged her sister.

And her best friend.

And her best friend in her parents' bed.

You disgraced their bed.

I'm a guy.

That's not my fault.

Eight years.

That's psychotic.

Literally.

I'm not psychotic, Steve.

I'm in pain.

You know what Freud says?

No, I don't know what Freud says.

Two and a half to four years tops.

Anything more is clinically psychotic.

I know what you guys are trying to do, okay?

And I appreciate it, but Isabella is my soulmate.

Oh, bullshit.

There's no such thing as a soulmate.

You only want her because you can't have her.

That and she is a hoppy's ass.

And I love her.

And I love her.

I love her.

What a jackass.

If you love her so much, how come you dumped her four times?

Because I...

I needed time.

You know what Freud says?

I don't care what Freud says.

She's still my soulmate.

Listen, soulmates are like fish.

They're everywhere.

People fall in love because of proximity.

It has nothing to do with the heavens.

There's a window in time when any two people can get together.

It doesn't matter who they are.

It's who's around at what time.

But once that window closes... Smash!

Nothing.

Nothing.

Freud said that?

Yeah, Freud said that.

Think I make this shit up?

It's wicked deep.

All right.

Listen.

You gotta get back in the game.

Change your bait.

Get your rod back in the water.

I'm still in the game.

I'm gonna get her back.

Uh-uh.

You lose an animal?

Yeah.

Cats don't stray too far, though.

He should be around here somewhere.

Actually, felines are known to hunt for miles outside of their own home territory.

Uh...

There he is.

Right there.

See him?

Oh, good.

I know what he wants.

Yummy.

Thank you.

No problem.

Give him a few minutes.

The smell is irresistible.

I'm almost finished with my classes.

Taking night classes, you know.

Finish my degree.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not all about the fish, you know.

Of course.

Psychology.

The, um... The study of the very ill by the very odd.

Yeah, well, um...

So, uh... So, um...

Are you... Are you involved?

Uh, depends on what you mean.

I mean, are you involved with anyone?

Are you looking to have a good time with someone?

Or are you interested in going on a date or anything like that?

Yeah, I'm not really looking.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Not for me.

I'm married.

See, I got a ring.

It's for a friend of mine.

She's a kid who works here in the store.

Jackass can't seem to pull his shit together to find a wife.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

Of course.

I'm busy, too.

We're all busy.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Come on.

Are you single or not?

Technically, I'm single, but... Yes!

Yes!

Stay right here.

Just stay right... No, no, no.

I'm not really looking.

No, just stay there, please.

Don't move.

Jelluca, come here.

Come on.

No, really.

Thank you, but I've sort of been seeing someone... Come on.

Jelluca.

What'd I say?

Oh, yeah.

She's attractive.

Yeah?

Of course.

I'd have to see her without her clothes on, but... Excuse me?

Hips are shapely.

You're childbearing.

Sweet, huh?

Would you mind turning around for us, please?

I don't think so.

Come on, spin around.

Yeah, just take a look at you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

She's perfect.

Let's set him up.

Yeah.

Are you available?

No, not really.

Come on.

He's wicked good-looking.

Six feet tall.

He's got abs like Michelangelo's David.

We'll bring him to the next Italian singles club party.

You meet us there.

And if you like what you see, you wink or something, you know?

Yeah.

And if you don't, you just leave.

No obligation.

He'll never know.

Italian singles party?

I don't think so.

I'm not even... It's fun.

A bunch of Italians singing and dancing.

What could be better?

Huh?

Just hand me out.

A lot of food.

A lot of food.

Blues.

Singing and dancing.

Girls.

And best yet, single Italian girls.

Girls.

What could be better?

What could be better?

For real?

How about forks in my eyeballs?

Uh, bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

That'll be better.

No, no.

Uh, this is a bad idea.

He's not that bad.

Nobody's gonna know.

I don't want to pretend to be Italian just so...

so I can go hang out with a bunch of guys in gold chains and a half on button shirts.

Oh!

What?

What, are you too good to be Italian?

Everybody want to be Italian.

I don't dance.

It's a party.

That's it.

You meet a couple of people.

You listen to some Italian music.

You come down to our level and dance a little.

I'm not Italian.

Nobody's gonna know.

Uh, everybody want to be Italian.

Come on.

Listen to him.

Oh, Marisa.

Oh.

Take you something to eat.

A mangi.

You don't eat enough.

I am sorry.

I can't tonight but thank you.

Ma, but you're too skinny.

Oh, you need a man.

Actually, that's why I'm here.

Do you know anything about an Italian club?

Italian club?

The singles club?

Ma, but you're not Italiana.

I know but I was invited to meet a guy there.

An Italian?

No, no, no.

You don't get mixed up with an Italian.

42 years I was married to an Italian.

37 times.

That bastard, he cheat on me.

And that's just the ones I know about.

But you loved him.

Love?

Oh, si, of course.

He was my soul mate.

But you, you're not Italian.

And I tell you something.

Italian men never, never marry a girl who's not Italian.

They play with you.

Oh, si, they like to do that.

And then they break your heart.

No, you find yourself a good dame, or even...

an Irishman.

Oh, my nuts.

What'd I trade for that?

I know, I know.

Uh-oh.

What about her?

She's all right.

She's all right?

She's fine.

All right.

Are you prejudiced against the most beautiful women in the world?

Italians?

No, but I'm in love.

You know that.

Oh, I'm in love.

Look, this right here, this is all yours.

Steve and I, we're married.

You owe us this.

Oh, I owe you this?

I owe it to you to pick up girls at an Italian singles bar.

Absolutely.

Just not my thing.

Hey, hey.

What about her?

Oh, she's just cute.

She's cute, yeah.

That was a definite nibble.

Set the hook and we were in.

She's hot, I'll give you that.

I'm not interested in her.

Psst.

Psst.

Stop staring at me.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, you're a sea lion, raw.

Sea lions bark, you idiot.

Guido stuff doesn't work on hot chicks, okay?

Oh, yeah?

She's coming over right now.

She's coming, she's coming, she's coming over here.

You better think of something to say quickly.

Why are you whistling at me?

No, I don't know.

I was, um, my... I'm Marissa.

I'm Jake, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

I think he just melted a lining in his underwear.

I did nothing, no.

My underwear's fine.

Oh, nicely said.

Do you want to have a seat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Okay.

I don't know, just go get her a drink.

Just put it on the card.

It's company expense.

I'll take care of her.

What do you think?

You guys are too much, but, um, he's... he's cute.

Yeah.

I'll give you that.

He's smart.

He's funny.

He's very bright.

Great sense of humor.

Intelligent.

Okay.

Very bright.

Good.

Loves children.

Really?

Hmm.

Loves kids.

Great with them.

Yeah.

I like that.

I think we did well, I think.

Oh, here he comes.

Here he comes.

Hey, the prodigal son returns.

Jerk one.

Jerk two.

I think I'll take that as a compliment.

To beauty.

Beauty.

And the beasts.

So I'm probably just glad I missed everything so far, huh?

Why would you say that, Jake?

We were just talking about true love.

And Marissa here, believe it or not, does not believe in soulmates.

She thinks it's a bunch of bullshit.

I didn't say that.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You know, don't listen to them.

They're just busting on me because I happen to believe in true love.

Well, me, too.

And I happen to believe in soulmates.

Oh, come on.

That is such a crock.

It is.

Because at any given time, any two people can get together.

They just have to know that each other exists.

I mean, life is never-ending chaos with people struggling to exist.

Well, that's deep.

Thank you.

He knows psychology.

I do.

But let me just put it in simpler terms for you.

Simple being the operative word.

Now, take you, for example.

Now, you're a hoppy as ass.

So why aren't you selling underwear in a Victoria's Secret catalog?

Stick with them.

There's a point here somewhere.

I hope so.

It's because nobody knows you exist.

But the right pictures in the right people's hands, next thing you know,

you've got 13-year-olds jacking off to all over the world.

Why?

Because now they know you exist.

You know, I really apologize.

I really thought there was a point in that somewhere.

No, I get it.

I mean, it makes sense.

It makes sense?

Really?

No, it doesn't.

Okay.

You know what?

Let me ask you a question.

Why does a nice, attractive girl like yourself come

to these places to get hit on by the likes of them?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just trying to figure out what men exist.

Well, maybe she just came to find a nice Italian man like Jake here.

They're not really my friends.

Ouch.

Ooh, I'm wounded.

I am.

So?

So what?

What happened?

So let us live through you vicariously.

She was sweet.

Come on, what do you mean sweet?

Chocolate sweet.

This girl could knock the brass off her doorknob with a smile.

Absolutely.

What happened?

We had a nice evening together, you know?

We spent some time together, we talked a little

bit, a little small talk, and then we went home.

Oh, you went home.

So what, you nailed it back at her place?

No, nothing like that.

Oh, come on.

You didn't...

You did, didn't you?

You did, you did, you did, didn't you?

No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

I didn't do anything.

What do you want me to tell you, man?

We had a nice time.

She's a nice girl.

But I'm still in love with Isabella.

Okay.

Listen.

Just, please.

Please tell me that you've got a phone number so we can smack some sense into you.

Yeah.

Oh.

I'm gonna cry, Pops.

Unbelievable.

Man, so cry.

Look at this.

How could you screw that up?

Yes.

You were so stupid.

Hi, Guy.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

So, this is it, huh?

This is, uh, this is it.

This is fish heaven.

Anything you desire from the eastern seaboard, we got it here.

Aldo Tempesti.

Hi, Marissa.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

So, um...

You forgot to ask for my number.

So I thought I'd, um...

The freaking number.

Just in case.

Yeah, no, yeah.

This is great.

This is pretty handwriting.

Um, thank you.

Okay.

You know what?

Let's, uh, just close the deal right here.

Uh, I make his hours, so...

He's available tonight.

Actually, he's got tomorrow night off.

The whole week off.

He can call me when he wants.

Uh, no, no, anyone who doesn't take your number, it's out of his hands.

How's tomorrow?

You know, tomorrow night's not really good for me.

Um... Stay out of this, will you?

Actually, next week is better for me.

Next week?

Tuesday's looking real good for me.

Um, I was thinking maybe more Monday.

Um, around, say, I don't know, 7.

7.30?

Monday.

Perfect.

Okay.

Monday it is.

Okay.

All right.

All right, I'll see you then.

See you then.

Okay.

Bye.

Thanks for coming in.

Don't screw this up.

I'm not gonna screw anything up.

You're all thinking with your little men, eh?

This is a big, big mistake.

This is an Italian woman, and Italian women have brothers.

Oh, it's all fun and games until somebody loses a testicle.

Hey!

It's not funny.

I'll tell you about my cousin Luigi, eh?

Yeah, cousin Eunuch.

Ah, cousin Eunuch.

See, he make jokes now.

Sensocazzo, we call him.

Get to work.

Asshole.

Isabella!

Oh my God, this is so weird.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Stay away, Jake.

I mean it.

No, come on.

It's the Commons.

I'm just passing through.

You and me are soulmates.

Kids, Jake.

And lots of them.

I love kids.

Plus the big one's probably mine anyway.

Hey.

Hey.

What, did you ever have him genetically tested?

Unreal.

You know you're unreal.

He was born 12 months after the last time we did it.

So you say.

I know.

Whatever.

Come on.

What's it gonna take?

Jake, please.

Please let me spare you your dignity.

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Excuse me, sweetie.

I'm not.

What is... What is wrong with your kids?

They don't like you, Jake.

Come on, boys.

Get in.

Good job.

I have a date on Monday night.

Good for you.

Wait.

Can I get a ride?

So you're blown apart Don't ever wanna talk about it So hard to make it stop Just

long enough to think about Morning, John.

Hey, Jake.

How are you?

Alright.

I'm gonna need about 50 pounds of haddock.

Here I go.

20 pounds of mussels.

Nice.

Nice.

You can do it.

Beautiful.

I think a dated girl would look like this one.

Alright, John.

Thanks a lot, man.

Have a good one.

Take it easy.

Filho mio.

Hey.

Hey.

I know what my boy Gianluca tell you.

But listen.

Women are sacred.

They need to be treated like ladies.

Not passing cargo vessels.

I know that.

I got a good woman.

A good woman.

A good woman is love.

Pure, true, and breakable.

Like Venetian glass.

Remember.

Every daughter has a father.

And most have brothers with sharp knives.

And most have brothers with sharp knives.

Somebody's getting some tonight, huh?

Sure has been.

Party's on tonight.

You know what?

You should take your camera tonight.

Give me some pictures with nipple.

Jake, look at me.

Promise me you're not going to screw this thing up.

I'm not going to screw this thing up.

I promise.

I promise.

Jake.

I'm not going to screw anything up, man.

Come on.

What do you want?

Blood?

Alright, so look.

Let's go over your plan.

You do have a plan, right?

I'm not going to lay it out for you.

I'm going to take you to dinner or something.

Come on.

Dinner's obvious.

Where?

I don't know.

La Trattoria.

What are you, retarded?

You can't take her to the North End.

It's too Italian.

That's the point, man.

She's Italian.

No, no, no.

Take her to my cousin, Ennio.

He'll fix you up nice.

No, you can't take an Italian woman to the North End for the first date.

That's like a priest taking a little boy to an opera.

It's too obvious.

Yeah, you know what?

Forget Italian.

You've got to stay away from your ethnic roots.

I'm not taking her for kielbasa.

Whoa.

You're not a dumb Pollock anymore.

You're Italian now.

And I'm not going to pretend I'm Italian.

You better pretend, and you better pretend good.

Look, an Italian can spot an imposter a mile away.

And if they did, it could get your nuts chopped off.

Oh, come on, man.

It's the 21st century, all right?

Nobody's going to get hurt.

It's a stereotype.

He's right.

The stereotype is bad.

Italian men are lovers.

Unless you mess with the women, and then... Shh.

That's okay to take her to an Italian restaurant.

As long as it's not in the North End, all right?

And you know, order for her.

Because the Italian women, they love to be taken care of.

You know, Freud, you know, it says that a woman knows within five minutes of sitting

down to dinner if she's going to sleep with a guy.

Which brings up, what do you got in mind for dessert?

Tiramisu?

One dessert, two forks.

Don't screw up.

I'm not going to screw up.

I'm telling you right now, if you screw this one up... I'm not!

I'm not going to screw it up!

Hi.

Hey.

Should I go change?

No.

No.

You look fine.

I'm probably the one who should go change.

Um... Good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

So it's freezing.

Where's your car?

Actually, my truck smells like fish, so I just figured that we'd take the subway.

Subway?

Yeah, it's always so much more convenient.

You don't have to pay for parking or anything.

So, you know, you look really beautiful.

Thank you.

First date.

I feel like I'm back in high school.

Yeah, me too.

What's so funny?

I'm sorry.

Are you laughing at me?

You are.

I'm not.

I promise.

I promise.

Um... Um...

I need to tell you something.

Okay.

Tell me.

Tell me.

It's kind of embarrassing, a little bit.

Just tell me.

I'm sure I've heard it before.

This is nice.

And I don't want to start anything without being totally honest with you.

I'm involved with another woman.

Um, yeah.

We've been together for 12 years.

On and off.

Mostly off lately.

I just thought you shouldn't help me.

Okay.

Honesty is the best policy.

You know?

Yeah, I agree with you.

Um...

Wow.

But, um, if you want to tell me anything, you know, you can.

I was a good time.

I don't have anything like that.

Um...

Where are we?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're upset, huh?

I'm fine.

Surprised, maybe.

You know, I just didn't want to have a nice evening

together and then have it get all awkward later.

Well, it's awkward.

Have you been here before?

No.

Don't worry.

I know what you're getting.

Buona sera.

Can I start your offer with something to drink?

Maybe un bellissimo.

Very nice.

Barolo.

Or Chianti.

I think we're ready to order.

The lady's gonna have the calamari appetizer

and the spinach and mushroom penne pasta.

And can she get that with extra oregano and a side of garlic?

Garlic?

It's good.

It's really good.

As you wish, madam.

And for you, sir?

I have no idea.

What's good?

Spaghetti alla Marciana.

The house of favorites.

That sounds perfect.

You know what?

I think I'll have that, too.

Really?

Yeah.

And to drink?

House Chianti?

Actually, I'm thinking of something in a significantly higher price range.

Maybe one of your Barolos.

Bellissimo.

Wonderful choice, madam.

Thank you.

That was interesting.

I figure you saved enough money not parking.

Is this about my girlfriend?

She's cool with it.

She knows I'm here.

She knows you're here?

Yeah.

Just let it go.

I've almost completely forgotten about her.

You know that psychiatrists say that you can tell within the first five minutes of

having dinner with someone whether you're gonna...

Whether it's gonna work out or not.

You can tell.

Do you have a lot of experience with psychiatrists?

No.

No.

I hear about them all day long, though,

because Steve, he's studying to get his degree.

Psychology.

Yeah.

He's a college man.

So what do you do?

I'm a doctor.

Really?

You're sharing with me?

No.

That's so cool.

What kind?

A veterinarian.

Okay, so you're not a real doctor.

No, I just mean, you know, you work with animals.

It's not exactly human.

That's all I'm saying.

It's cool.

I like it.

I get it.

It's just, when I think doctor, I think, you know, heart attack on an airplane.

Is there a doctor on board?

That kind of thing.

You know, it's so cool.

So, and you love animals?

Yeah, well, you know, I'm suspicious of anyone who doesn't love animals.

Or children.

Well, there you go.

See that?

We got that in common.

Really?

You love animals?

Do I love animals?

Yeah, of course.

I love the fish market.

And I love kids, too.

I think kids are great.

I got three of them.

Well, they're not mine, technically.

They're my girlfriends.

That's great.

Hey, let me help you up.

You know what?

It's alright.

Let's not spend a nice evening together and then have it get all awkward.

You're not coming up.

No, of course not.

I know that.

But I had a wonderful time tonight, didn't you?

Huh.

I knew you were gonna screw it up.

I knew it.

I didn't want to find out I was involved with

someone and get all disappointed, you know?

You're the biggest moron of all time, or you just act like this.

The date wasn't going so hot anyway, all right?

She was sending me mixed signals.

Just acting all disinterested all evening.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Mixed signals are class signals.

And what the hell are you doing telling her you have a girlfriend?

Which you don't.

This chick is the real deal.

I mean, she's wicked hot.

And she's a doctor.

She's, um, she's not really a doctor.

She's a veterinarian.

Veterinarians go to medical school.

Yeah, at an animal hospital.

Not a hospital hospital.

She's not a real doctor.

So you would say, I'm not a doctor if I get my PhD in psychology?

Look, they're sort of different.

I mean, you would be dealing with humans.

She's dealing with animals.

And a doctor.

Yeah, technically, I don't think, um, I don't think a psychologist is either.

Technically, anyone with a PhD is a doctor.

A doctor of philosophy.

A doctor of English literature.

A doctor of fine arts.

Hold on, hold on.

I gotta side with Jake right here.

They're not doctors.

Those are bullshit doctors.

They shouldn't even be able to put doctor in front of their name.

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Chiropractors, huh?

Acupuncturists, podiatrists.

They're not doctors.

So, I save lives.

By talking people out of...

By talking people out of... By talking people out of...

throwing themselves in the tracks at North Station.

Or hurling their bodies off an overpass onto the Mass Bike.

Or hurling their bodies off an overpass onto the Mass Bike.

All day long I'm talking to them, and I'm not a doctor to you?

No, but you could be.

If you go to medical school and become a psychiatrist.

Psychologist's man, they're just another group trying to cheat the system.

Listen, I'm sure that Harvard Medical School

has some eating classes that you could take.

I don't need to be a doctor.

I just figure I'm saving people's lives.

No, no, no.

You're saving people's lives.

That's what I'm doing.

That's what I'm trained to do.

I save people's lives.

I'm a life saver.

You're like a comic book hero.

Can you save me a bite of your sandwich?

Hello, Mrs. Cordova.

Isabella!

Hi, Mrs. Cordova.

Hey.

Go away!

Let's just go get a coffee, please.

I just want to talk.

I know the kids are gone.

I'm not letting you in.

Talk.

Really?

You can't still be mad.

All right, five minutes.

Five minutes.

You look really pretty.

Don't you still think about me at all?

Of course.

You call me every day.

Okay, well, that's fair enough.

But still, I mean, if I didn't...

would you still?

I'm not gonna say that.

You would.

You would.

Jake!

Children!

The oldest one's mine anyway.

You are crazy.

Come back to me.

Um...

Okay.

Your ten minutes are up.

Um, you gotta get out of here.

Yeah, but I was about to go anyway.

I mean...

I mean, you didn't have to kick me out or anything.

I was...

I was about to leave anyway.

I wasn't having that much fun, you know?

Same time tomorrow?

Hey, Papa, how are you?

All right, all right.

It's some kind of holiday I don't know about.

Bankers' hours.

Come on, hurry up.

Get your ass out here.

We're busy.

I'm here, I'm here.

I saw her today.

Treat your fleas?

Not her.

Her.

Oh, Isabella.

Yeah.

She made me cappuccino.

In her house.

All right, that's it.

Jake, I've had it with your shit.

Me and Steve, we bust our ass around here.

You come and go as you please, all hours of the day.

Jake, it's all fair.

I got no other option here.

I gotta fire you.

Fire me?

You can't fire me.

I think I just did.

I own this place.

Technically, yes, but I promised your parents before they

died that I would not let you run this place into the ground.

Our revenues were up 250% last quarter, 150% last year.

I think we're doing okay.

Hey, stop chasing Isabella.

Is that what this is about?

Yes.

Yes.

You know, call Marissa.

You know the one you told you had a girlfriend?

She hates me.

Isabella hates you, yet she still makes you cappuccino.

Italian women, they need to nurture their men.

Tell her the truth, and then she... No!

Don't tell her the truth.

Tell her the truth, and she will come around.

I can't tell her anything.

She won't even accept my calls.

Do you blame her?

Easy, Sammy.

All right, buddy.

Oh, look at the happy couple.

JTB, what are you doing with that fish?

It's your wife.

My fish.

He just, uh...

He doesn't quite seem up to it these days.

I was wondering if the veterinarian could come out and take a look at him.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't take care of fish.

Why?

They're animals, too.

They're animals, but they're aquatic animals.

Marine animal doctors.

Marine animal doctors take care of fish.

That's not our doctor's specialty.

Okay.

How much?

Huh?

Twenty?

Okay, you don't like Mr. Jackson.

How about Benjamin?

Huh?

Is the doctor around?

Are you Michael?

Who's that?

This isn't about the fish.

Are you and the doctor involved?

Is it that obvious?

Let me see what I can do.

Hey.

I like your dog.

Nice.

Polly's a good one.

Hey.

Smile.

Hey, paparazzi.

Are you serious?

You're not... you're not... the, uh... Bring your fish.

You know what?

On second thought, I don't... Now.

I'm busy.

You're wasting my time with your fishing.

What are you, too good for a goldfish?

You look like a mobile Chinese restaurant.

You got an HOV pizza you need some help with?

You're real cute.

I know.

Put your fish on the examining table.

You sit.

Sit.

Here, look, I don't think we have to do this.

I mean...

Sit!

How long's your fish been acting weird?

I don't know.

A couple of days, I guess.

Well, why don't you bring him in sooner?

Because I thought he was going to pull through.

Well, this is a pet fish, isn't it?

He could have died.

Look, I don't want to be rude, but do you think maybe I could see the

other veterinarian?

I think that might be very helpful.

This is Sammy.

He's got respiratory distress.

The owner says he's been lethargic and not acting himself.

Okay, I got it.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sammy's been acting a little weird.

I think he might have pink eye or something.

This isn't a pet.

Sammy, close your ears and don't listen to anything this evil woman says.

Okay, I see through this.

What do you want?

We had fun the other night.

Fine, I had a good time the other night.

Alright, I get the fact that you want nothing to do with me, but...

Well, I really enjoyed your company.

No, no, no, no.

No.

What?

Just because I'm not sexually available, we can't be friends?

Friends?

Yeah, friends.

Like, spend time with each other because we like each other's company.

And just be friends?

Exactly.

No, we can't.

Why not?

Because...

I'm 33 years old.

No way.

My biological clock is ticking.

I don't have time for friends.

So having friends somehow affects your ability to have children?

Yes.

How?

Explain this to me.

When a man and a woman are friends, one of them always ends up wanting the other one.

If neither is interested, then there's no incentive.

There's no incentive for the friendship in the first place.

What are you doing Friday night?

None of your business.

So you don't have plans?

I have plans.

No, you don't.

You don't.

What?

Plans.

Yeah, now that's mature for a 33-year-old.

You'd rather stay home alone than make a friend because you're

sexually attracted to me and I'm emotionally unavailable.

I have a date.

Oh, yeah?

Who is it?

His name's Michael.

There's no Michael.

No, really.

I'm sort of seeing him now.

Fine.

I get the message.

Actually, you know what?

Leave Sam right here.

Yeah?

I'll give him back to you... Saturday?

Saturday?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Friends don't date.

They hang out.

But you guys are the ones who told me to go out with her in the first place.

Yeah, well, that was before you told me she was 33.

Don't go.

She's 33.

Imagine your balls in a vice grip.

That's what her ovaries are doing.

Except they're screaming for sperm.

Your sperm.

It's not even going to be a date.

It's going to be like we're going to be hanging out.

Like hanging out in high school?

Yeah, like hanging out in high school.

Like a guy and a girl hanging out.

People do that.

No, they don't.

Why not?

Because sooner or later, one of them is going to want to swap some fluids, you know?

Play some time.

You know how much I love you, Mr. Hockey?

She's 33.

Walk away!

Hold on, it's not like he's gonna marry her.

Exactly.

I'm not going to marry the girl.

Just bang a few times.

Then move on.

Oh.

Lesson numero uno.

La salsa de pomodoro.

No Italian man can resist la salsa de pomodoro.

Well, I wouldn't say he's a man.

He's more of a little boy.

A very good looking little boy.

But this is friendship, not love.

Hey.

He and his girlfriend together, what, 12 years, no married, they're no serious.

It's what you call a fair game.

And the quickest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.

What if I don't want to get to it?

Oh, wait, you want to love Italian style.

There is no mercy, it is a war, and the women are the generals.

Go, go, put that in the pan.

And food, food, the greatest weapon.

Oh, my God, my God, start, start, it's going to burn, it's going to burn, start.

Hey.

Hi.

You're not dressed.

You still look good, I mean, I would still...

Aren't we going out?

No, we're friends, I made us dinner.

Really?

Come in.

Okay, this is for you.

Thank you.

How you doing?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, vinegar.

Yeah, it's Italian.

Interesting.

It's not what I expected.

How's that?

You get the fluffy couch and the carpeted floors.

It's kind of American.

I was expecting more of that, like, Italian hot-blooded style, you know?

Clean lines everywhere.

This place looks more like my grandmother's house.

Wow, you know exactly what to say to the ladies.

Shall we eat before it gets cold?

Sure, yeah.

Need help with anything?

No.

Sammy?

You cooked my fish?

He's cured.

No more pink eye.

Wait, you cooked my pet?

He wasn't your pet, Jake.

He was my... we were on a first-name basis.

What if I brought you a puppy?

I don't play games.

I dumped my first fiancé because he lied.

Yeah?

What about the second one?

He lied too, but his was much bigger.

What did the first one lie about?

He claimed he went to undergrad at Harvard.

And?

He went to BU.

Oh, no.

He couldn't handle living in Boston and not being able to call himself a Harvard man.

You honestly, you dumped the guy that you were considering

spending the rest of your life with because of that?

Yeah.

That's kind of harsh.

He was my fiancé.

He shouldn't be lying to me.

So which one is he?

Oh, he's not up there.

I don't keep pictures of my exes.

There's not one picture of your ex-boyfriend up here?

No.

Why keep pictures of people that are no longer with you?

Well, I keep pictures of everybody just in case I never see him again.

But why would you care?

I don't know.

For me, once a relationship ends, I don't ever look back.

So, what part of Italy is your family from?

Um, they're from the north.

From Palermo.

Palermo?

Uh-huh.

Isn't Palermo in the south, down by Sicily?

The northernmost part of the south.

They're really high up.

They live in the mountains.

So it's like... it's such a small country, anyway.

Where are your parents?

Where are they from?

I can't say.

Why not?

Were they in the mafia?

Are yours?

Yeah.

Come on, where are they from?

Is it really that important?

Yeah, it's important.

To an Italian, it's very important.

They're from the north, Torino.

I can't believe I just told you that.

Oh, yeah.

Big deal.

Your secret's out.

Maybe you have to kill me now, right?

I might have to.

Yeah.

All right, so...

I mean, so you spend weeks or even months of

your life committed to someone, and then what?

Like, poof, they just... they're erased like they never existed?

You're a past dweller.

Fine.

If holding onto memories makes me a past dweller, then yeah, I'm a past dweller.

There's only three choices.

Past, present, and future.

So where does that leave us?

You have a girlfriend.

I need to know your level of commitment to this relationship.

None.

There is no relationship.

I'm being serious now.

Seriously, I need to know.

You do know.

There is none.

I think I might have found someone.

That's great.

I'm happy for you, Jake.

She knows about us.

And I told her.

Don't worry.

You know, it's all good.

But...

She's...

I don't know.

She's different.

She doesn't have big boobs and look like a supermodel?

No, she's got those qualities, too.

But it's just...

There's something about her.

I don't know.

She's...

She's kind of cool.

Run through the wild with her, Jake.

Make love to her in exotic places.

You're free.

There is no us.

You keep saying that, but I just want you to know that once I'm gone, it's forever.

Your pictures come off the wall.

Hers go up.

I'm not a past dweller, you know.

My timing's off.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna run ahead and do some print work.

I'm gonna meet you at the bridge.

No, no, no.

I'm coming.

No, Jake.

I can't run this slowly.

No, I'm coming.

I'm... I'm coming.

There's a frame upon my wall But there's nothing inside at all And everybody

listens Everybody tries to keep themselves safe I love good advice And now I'm

tempted In the middle Of an otherwise good year As it's always been round here Now

I'm absolutely free And everything is clear And suddenly it seems Good run, huh?

Feel good?

I'm not down What are you doing?

Don't run off like that.

You...

You're a woman.

You're gonna...

You're gonna get raped or killed or something.

No, I could outrun them.

You're the one that's gonna be somebody's bitch.

What I'm just saying is it's dangerous, all right?

Competitive, aren't we?

Whatever, Flojo.

Oh, wow, you look good.

Well, thank you.

The fish looks great.

You got him?

Yeah.

He's cute, right?

Is this what you want?

What, this?

This isn't a lobster?

No, this has been your dream.

I don't even know if I could answer that if I wanted to.

I just kind of take every day as it comes, you know?

I'm a present dweller.

Well, the days are coming fast.

Yeah.

Soon there won't be any more.

Honestly, I never thought that much about my dreams.

I guess my dreams just kind of found me.

All right.

Well, the Napoleonic complex come from Napoleon denying that he was Italian.

He was pretending to be French.

He forgot, you know, that he was a lover and not a fighter.

That is why, to this day, my cousin Pepino in the bakery will not sell Napoleons.

What does that have to do with women?

Well, everything has to do with women.

An Italian woman.

They will cook for you clean and take care of the kids.

But it is the man's job to make her want to do those things for him.

I think I can handle that.

Sure, sure.

You make her feel special.

You make her feel like a woman.

Like at the song, you know.

It is the man's job to work, to protect la famiglia, to make decisions, to pay the

bills, the mortgage, everything, tutto.

But it is the woman's job to make the man want to do all the things for her.

Capisce?

Yeah, but I can cover my share any bells.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're Italian now.

Remember, it is the little things between the man and the woman that counts.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Somehow, someway, you'll look my way.

Our eyes will meet.

Give me something about him.

No.

Tell me something.

You have to.

You don't want to hear about him.

Yes, I do.

If we're going to be friends, then I get to hear about him, and then I get to speak

forth my advice, my simple but profound advice.

No, it just, it just feels wrong talking

about, you know, such intimate things with you.

Just ask yourself.

What would a fisherman do?

She's out of my comfort zone.

I would say.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is...

Here she is.

I had a break.

Thought I'd stop by and say hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dr. Costa.

How you doing?

So...

Wow.

You know what?

If you guys...

You've cleaned up some of these boxes.

Yeah.

I've got a system there.

Well, clearly not one that's working.

Jake, do something about this, will you?

You need a woman's touch.

Don't you have any animals to heal?

Some sick... Come on.

You guys can help.

No, no, no.

It's not in our contract.

We only do a half hour cleanup a day.

It's... It's... It's union rules.

It's union rules.

Only.

Yeah.

Jake, take care of this.

We're going to be back in a minute.

I'm going to get a beer.

Yeah.

You know, he really does have a system.

It works pretty... Work.

Pretty well.

Now I remember taking my own sweet time Just wandering past the time to get home

But man, I've got to get home But every now and then I will stop and see This

ain't the way it's supposed to be So get home,

girl, I've got to come home So tell me what you see

There's a weight upon my back There's a load upon these tracks It's got to be...

Nobody's going to spend this much for fish.

I've got to breathe more people want to pay more.

It makes them feel like their quality's better.

Spoken like a true woman.

No, it's all about presentation.

If your fish look clean, the sails will soar.

I promise.

Out of all the ways you tried to give yourself away But you hardly realized the

time And you thought it would be nice To try Of

course you won't know if you don't try What happened?

This is a disaster.

What the hell is this?

We selling lemonade now?

You've strayed my pictures.

It's just, it's clean.

It's just a little bit cleaner, that's all.

What do you mean it's clean?

It's like an operating room.

You cleaned my floor.

You could eat off this floor.

This is awful.

This is a disaster.

It's wonderful.

It was her idea.

So you're coming this weekend?

Are you serious?

No.

Yes.

No, I do not want to go to a faculty dinner.

You have to.

It's friendship duty.

Intelligent people bore me.

Oh my God.

Jake, don't start with me.

You're coming.

Okay, Mom.

Excuse me?

You sound like my mother.

Well, you sound like a child.

You're a child.

My God.

Is your family still in Palermo?

Palermo?

No.

Um...

What?

Actually, my parents are dead.

Shut up, Jake.

Seriously.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Wow.

It's okay.

I know you didn't know, but they died during my senior year.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know, I loved my family when they were around.

It was great.

My old man, he was something else.

He was such a character.

You want kids?

I don't know.

I think I'd make a terrible father.

No, you wouldn't.

Trust me.

Kids aren't for me.

I have this friend who's got three children, and she's always...

That's your girlfriend, Jake, not your friend.

Point is, the kid's messed up her whole life, and now

she's stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in.

Wait.

Your girlfriend's married?

Yeah.

Well, I knew her before she was married, though.

She's been in love with me all along.

Are you in love with her?

Thank you, Mrs. Vianelli.

You're slacking off.

I'll fire you if I could.

Hey, you got a minute, man?

Yeah, sure.

Right now?

Absolutely.

Would you take over for me, please?

Oh, sure.

What's up?

Things good?

Yeah, things are good.

Classes are good, and...

Yeah, classes are good.

Learn a lot of new stuff.

What the hell do you want?

How much would it cost?

How much would what cost?

Counseling.

Counseling?

Yes, shh.

Counseling.

Yes.

What, are you a parent?

You gotta repeat everything I say?

Counseling.

Look, you're almost a psychologist now, right?

So... how much would a session cost?

You want me to be your psychologist?

Shh.

Yes, but...

You can't tell anybody.

Of course not.

I'm a professional.

Um...

But, you know...

Jeez, Jake, uh...

You're my boss.

I know, and that's... that's why we gotta keep this between us, okay?

Very professional, just... you treat me just like you would any other patient.

Okay, but... I'd have to charge you $20 an hour.

$20 an hour?

Yeah.

I pay you twice that in the market.

What'd you go to school to make like that?

Less money?

It's not all about money, Jake.

I'm just saying, you know, you use your education just to... Okay, all right, $40.

$40, right?

You want the session or not?

I think so.

Good.

I think so, yeah.

All right, well, when do you want it?

Well, I don't... when's good for you?

I don't know.

Now?

Now works.

Now works.

I could... Now?

I can do it, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So, what do we... Why don't you have a seat?

And I'll have a seat.

And, uh, we can start.

Okay.

I don't like this.

Why don't we switch around?

I don't like this.

Sit over here.

Get over here.

Get over here.

This is better.

Here.

Sit.

That's good.

Yeah.

Just like that.

All right.

Here we are.

Um...

So, Mr. Bianchi, tell me how your troubles began.

Do we really have to act like this, or we're in a fish market?

Yes.

You want a professional working relationship?

Please answer the questions.

She's six years older than me, and then... She?

Marissa, jackass.

Marissa?

Oh, am I really paying you $40 an hour just to repeat everything I say, Steve?

Come on.

Fifty!

And I'll charge you even more if you keep on being difficult.

That's what doctors do.

Psychologists aren't doctors.

Whatever.

If she is indeed six years older than you, Mr. Bianchi,

I suggest to you, in the vernacular, that you dump her.

What?

See, this woman was playing tonsil hockey in the playground of life while you were a

mere spermatozoa in your father's scrotal sac.

What?

Steve, I'm in a bind here, man.

I got an entire relationship.

Everything's based on lies.

Hmm.

I see, Mr. Bianchi.

Bianschi.

I'm not Italian.

Could have had me, fool.

And I'm not even in a real relationship with Isabella, so...

Oh, now, finally, finally we're getting somewhere.

Not a meaningful relationship with Isabella, but if I'm

gonna make this work with her, I gotta tell the truth.

No!

Absolutely not.

The truth never helps anyone.

See, relationships are delicate enough without the truth messing things up.

See, the truth is like pure oxygen.

Hmm?

It can kill you.

It's gotta be mixed in with other things.

What?

Am I really paying you for this advice?

If you love someone, embrace them.

And if the truth helps, we'll flaunt it.

If it doesn't, avoid the truth like a plague, like a pestilence that should be

driven from the valley.

Valley?

Fathers and sons, they say horrible things

to one another that should never be repeated.

Most of them, truthful.

But what's important is how they feel.

That's what counts.

You learn all this stuff studying?

Come on, Jake, you don't get this shit out of a textbook.

Huh?

This is life, man, life!

And yours truly has lived it.

Excuse me, ladies.

Look.

Before I forget, I need to get off early tonight.

I got plans.

But you're the boss.

I was gonna go down to the community college and sign up for some evening classes.

English literature.

You gotta be kidding me.

You, too?

Well, hey, I'm not gonna spend my whole life in this fish market.

I got dreams, too.

English literature?

You love fish.

Whatever, man.

Go study Shakespeare.

I don't care.

I was gonna do the other thing for guys in tights anyway.

Yeah, well, thanks for the support.

Got it.

She's taking me to her faculty dinner.

Don't go.

Intellectuals, though I count myself among them,

are very clicky if you're not on their level.

Hey, Jake, you should have at least had a couple

good years of sex before this bullshit started.

I mean, at a minimum, you should have seen her nipples.

Hey.

Oh.

You can't wear that.

Why not?

Because you can't wear khaki to a formal.

Let me just... Can I... Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If you don't want to take me as I am, why don't you take Michael?

Because I want to take you.

Now just look nice for me.

Here.

Try this on.

No.

I can't wear that.

Okay.

What about this one?

No.

None of these.

Why do you want a suit?

Let me just see.

That looks good.

Yeah.

What's this?

Hmm?

This.

Wow.

Ah, yeah.

These are, um, my anniversary suits.

If you really love someone, they don't need something like this.

All right.

Why don't you tell me what you can wear?

This?

Well, if it's good enough for me, it should be good enough for your Ivy League snobs.

They're not snobs.

They're intellectuals.

Intellectuals bore me.

I'm not gonna have anything to talk about with them.

You're gonna have a good time.

I promise.

Yeah, we do all our neutering by laser now.

We love it.

Well, what about Spang?

Spang's a little tricky.

I think you still need the human touch for that one.

Tonight's a very special night.

I'm happy to present this year's Vets Without Borders Award for Excellence in

Research to Dr. Marissa Costa for her outstanding work with the Italian Greyhound.

Careful, people.

She's showing you up.

So here's to Dr. Costa, one of our most cherished

colleagues and her pursuit of knowledge.

You were getting an award and you didn't tell me?

You don't ask about my work.

It's not just an award.

It's a grant.

A $500,000 endowment.

Not bad for four years out of veterinary in school.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

$500,000.

You're not gonna tell me that?

You wouldn't have come.

I wouldn't have come.

What is it you do, Jack?

Yeah, I work in a fish market.

A fish market?

You sell fish?

He's being modest.

He owns fish.

Oh, so you're a businessman.

Of sorts, yeah.

Speaking of business, Susan got a promotion.

She got tenure at the university.

And a pretty nice pay raise.

$85,000 a year.

That's that?

I'm just saying, I mean, you're a professor.

That's how you make?

That's actually a very good salary.

How do you live?

Excuse me?

I just mean, I mean, I paid that out in a bad year, so... Wait a minute.

A fishmonger makes $85,000?

Yeah.

Really?

It's good to be a monger.

The goal of North End Fisheries is to consistently increase our annual profit margin.

I just recently raised prices in the shop.

People don't mind spending more because they feel

like they're getting a better product in the end.

As long as I keep my costs down, my revenues are out of the red and into the green.

Yeah.

Theoretically, let's say you had some inside information from a certain

veterinary researcher about a new strain of avian flu that

had the potential to kill off the entire feline population.

How could I make money off that?

Well, I guess in that horrendous scenario, I guess you could make a small fortune

short selling the pet supply manufacturing companies and

at the same time investing in companies that produce pet...

coffins.

Anyway, guys, I hope I was helpful.

I don't know.

I just figured, you know, if you're smart enough to get into Harvard, you might as

well be financially smart enough to pay for it.

You really think that guy's gonna call me to be a guest lecturer?

Probably.

He'd love to.

Oh, man.

Me, the high school dropout, a college lecturer?

He's so freaking cool.

You think they have just humor in me?

Like I really just stuck out like a hooker at a convent or something?

That's your baggage, not theirs.

Why are you so upset?

I'm not upset.

It's just... you know.

No?

What's up?

It was my night, but I was eclipsed and not even by my boyfriend.

Come here.

No.

If I'm gonna be overshadowed, I would at least

like it to be by someone who backs me up.

Who asks of me when I get home at night.

Me.

Goodnight.

Goodnight?

Seriously?

Hello?

Hey.

You buzz me up?

You

need a slumber party.

Suddenly I'm out from beneath my tree And everywhere as far as the eye can see A

blanket full of stars look down on me I was thinking more of an adult slumber party.

No.

Adult slumber parties aren't as much fun.

You're just gonna stay in there or are you gonna come help?

I'm just gonna stay in there.

And now it's light upon my back And everybody says hey And now it's time to

say go live again Walk through that door and then Everybody comes and goes And now

my sight is clear You see that line over there?

The one that represents friendship?

I think it's safe to say that we've crossed that.

You know what Freud says?

Yeah.

He'd say I'd rather be making out with my mom.

Hey.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

How you doing?

So.

So.

How's the therapy going, eh?

I'm not in therapy.

Why do you even say something like that?

Oh, Steve.

He tell us all about your sessions.

But don't worry.

Your secret is safe with me.

He told you that?

Oh, figlio mio.

You know you'll need it for some time now.

Have all your pain and all your pain aside Oh, Marisa.

Buongiorno.

Oh,

you got the glow.

Oh, believe me.

There's no glow.

It's more of a... flame?

Oh, mi ricordo.

Ciao bella.

I don't care.

Most historians would disagree with you.

I don't care whether most historians say.

I lived through it.

And I am telling you.

Italy was never part of the Axis.

Yes, they were.

No.

They were not.

Is this before or after the war?

Farabola before or after.

The Italian people were always part of the Allies.

What?

As for Mussolini himself, well, give him a boat down there.

That's another story.

Are you shitting me?

Is Jake here?

I need to speak to him.

What the hell do you want?

Look, I just need some help.

Please.

It's not gonna happen.

No way.

Oh, God.

It's been eight years.

You still can't be mad.

Time heals most wounds.

But Jake is like a homophiliac.

A hemophiliac.

A hemophiliac.

He still bleeds.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have to bleed anymore.

Because I'm back.

She's what?

It took you eight years to realize this.

Look, I'm sorry that I was slower than you, but...

I'm here now.

If you want me.

Help me!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, huh?

No.

Are you kidding me?

This is...

This is the best day of my life.

This is what I've been dreaming of, right?

You don't act like it.

I don't know.

You guys just showed up so unexpectedly.

I'm...

I just wasn't sure what to do.

That's all.

Well, be excited.

I mean, this is what you and I have always wanted, right?

Yeah.

No, I know.

I'm... I'm...

This is not okay.

No.

No.

No.

We're soulmates, so...

So, how's it going?

Yeah.

No, it's... it's great.

You know, it's, uh...

It's everything I've been dreaming of, so...

It's good, yeah.

Is it?

Do you want my professional opinion or my honest opinion?

Which one's more important?

Oh, they both are.

Then give me both.

Okay.

Professional opinion first?

I don't care, Steve.

Just give me one.

Well, let's see.

My professional opinion is that you get the heck out of town, you get into your

truck, and you move to another state, and you don't tell anybody where you're going.

Now.

Come on, man.

I'm being serious here.

So am I.

Her husband's gonna kill you.

He is.

He's Italian, you know.

You know what?

If you're just gonna stand out there and listen in anyway, why don't you just come

in, pull up a chair, and join my therapy session, you know?

You asked.

Hey, Pop, get the counter, will ya?

It's fine.

It's fine.

I'd have to know.

Him too?

He's gonna tell me everything anyway, so save time.

I ask you as a friend, Jake, don't pull us into this.

Your life is shit.

How are you gonna keep any clients?

How are you gonna keep your boss?

Is this the meeting of the minds?

Yeah, something like that.

Hi, boys.

Hola.

How you doing?

Hey, Jake.

What's up?

What are these?

They're just, uh, they're some of the...

fish tags.

Did the Girl Scouts write these for you?

No, they're, like you said, they're fish tags for the...

Yeah, you see, this is a fish market.

Is it really?

Thank you.

Yes.

Well, we're gonna go for a walk.

You wanna come?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Um, I'm just gonna take a minute with these guys.

I'll meet you outside, okay?

Okay.

Cool.

See ya, boys.

Yeah, whatever.

Keep in touch.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I know a guy who makes problems go away.

Your kind of problem.

Yeah, Frankie the Jewel's cousin.

You're never gonna know what happened.

You just know.

She don't come back.

Hey.

They hate me.

Oh, they do.

Yeah, they do.

They really do.

Do you hate me?

No, I don't hate you.

Hey.

You?

Um, Isabella, this is, is this Marissa?

Marissa?

Isabelle?

Marissa?

I've heard so much about you.

I, you know, you just... Marissa!

Marissa!

Come on!

Marissa!

God!

Oh, what a tangled up web we weave, when first we practice to deceive,

like the song says.

That's not a song.

That's Shakespeare, Papa.

No, that's not.

It's Sir Walter Scott.

You know, forget the poetry.

Because right now, you've got an opportunity

to exploit Marissa's latent lesbian side.

Now, maybe you invite Isabella to join you to an Illuminage.

Hmm?

Like a mini scrub?

Yeah, no, just like, just like a scrub.

That's my boy.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

What's... Oh, no.

You're in the extra pitch!

Sir, please!

It's my, it's my son, okay?

Your son?

No, I haven't asked you to leave.

But my acquaintance, my acquaintance is on it.

I gotta... Sir, please!

Marissa's gonna die, and don't worry about it.

She's gonna die.

Your antics aren't gonna work.

They're not antics.

I swear, look.

We just...we need you to help Chucky.

Jake, these rodents carry diseases.

Honey, honey, can I have this?

Will you let me take this for me?

It's okay.

Just let me look at it real quick, okay, honey?

She's gonna help Chucky, all right?

Thank you.

She's gonna help fix Chucky?

Yeah.

All right?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, what are you...what's wrong with Vess?

Veterinarian, you've got something.

Really?

There you go.

There you go.

Can I talk to you a minute?

You can't just throw a kid's pet in the trash can.

What kind of mother are you gonna be?

Well, at this rate, I'm not gonna be one at all.

But that rat is dead.

Then I need you to, like, cardiovert it or something.

What part of dead did you miss?

Just fix it, okay?

Switch it with another one.

He'll never know.

It doesn't matter.

This is not a pet store.

It's a doctor's office.

Well, it's a veterinarian's office, but...

What's this about?

It's about a kid and his pet.

And that's it?

Yeah.

That's it.

You knew it was dead, but you came here anyway.

It's an excuse, Jake.

You really think that I would use a kid's tragedy as my own personal gain?

Yeah.

You do look nice.

Is that the sweater that I bought you?

Get out of my office.

Why are you so pissed?

I told you that I had a girlfriend from the beginning.

I thought we crossed that line.

Get out, Jake.

Out.

I mean it.

You knew that we were only friends.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

Hey, buddy.

I'll buy you a new chucky.

Hello.

Let me speak to my wife, you son of a bitch.

It's for you.

I tried.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Well, when I'm through with you, your balls are

gonna be floating in a Tupperware container.

Hmm.

Okay, just wait there a minute.

Hold on.

I'll be right down.

What?

You know what your problem is, ma'am?

You don't understand women.

You don't.

You know, you gotta make them feel special.

Like, romance them and stuff.

Buy them presents.

Women love presents.

She's my wife.

Not getting anywhere with that attitude.

They want to feel like they're the only person in the world, man.

Like, you know, like they're wanted.

I'm serious.

You tell a woman one nice thing, you could be banging her in no time.

I don't want to bang anyone.

I want my family back.

Hello?

Am I talking to myself here?

I want you to have them back, too, man.

I got a room full of kids upstairs.

You kidding me?

But you gotta win her back from me.

Otherwise, she's not gonna respect you.

If you didn't want her, then why did you destroy my family?

Just come on.

I mean, you know, people always want what they can't have.

It's grass is always greener on the other side, that sort of thing.

You're gonna get her back from me?

You just gotta chase her.

They love being chased.

It's what they want.

It's not so hard.

You're an asshole.

You don't deserve Isabella.

I know.

Or any other woman, for that matter.

Oh, I know.

Another beer?

There's pulp shit in the woods.

Marissa, answer the door.

I know you want to talk to me, too.

It's... It's just a pie hole down there.

We're trying to switch.

Piss off, Lonnie.

Honey, get over here.

There's some fucking crazy person in the room.

I know, man.

I'm not coming down.

Just... Hey!

I need to talk to you.

Then talk.

Stevie, call the cops.

I think it's gonna fall off.

What?

Shut up.

You introduced me to him.

Shut up.

Is it so wrong?

Is it?

Veterinarian Marissa Costa?

Oh, my God.

Apartment 302?

Come in.

There's nothing you can say that I want to hear, Jake.

Okay, fine.

Maybe... Maybe not.

But there's something I have to tell you.

Go for it.

I'm not Italian.

Go home, Jake.

You're drunk.

You're drunk.

Marissa!

I'm Polish!

I'm watching you creep.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Shh!

What?

Mario told me everything.

I'm leaving you, Jake, in the morning.

What the hell are you still doing in my bed?

I didn't want to wake the kids.

Oh, this is just great!

You've read this?

Old Man of the Sea?

Mm-hmm.

It's awesome.

Enough!

Okay?

Oh, do we need to explore anger management in our next session?

I can't deal with you today.

You both got to go.

You got to get out.

Out, out.

Hey, Jake.

What?

I'll set you up with my cousin.

He loves a bourgeois.

What?

What are you doing?

What is he doing?

Where are you going?

You should have done this a long time ago.

What are you... It's for your own good.

Huh?

Anger is a desperate cry for help.

Get out!

It is!

Out!

Okay, out.

All right, all right.

Don't push.

Out!

What don't you understand?

She's not here.

Fine.

You can't be here.

I'm not leaving until I see her.

Then you will shrivel up and die waiting.

Hey.

Stalker boy.

It's time to go.

I told you I'm not leaving until I see her.

You can't see her.

She's not here.

She went to Italy.

Vets without borders?

I've been here all day long.

Why didn't you say something?

We did.

She's my soulmate.

There's no such thing as a soulmate.

You only want her because you can't have her.

When you met this broad, you denied the truth.

Now you're stuck on the other side of it.

I love her.

If you love her, how come you banged Isabella?

I didn't bang Isabella.

Yeah, but you would have.

You just didn't have enough time.

It's transferring.

Transference.

You desperately cling to relationships that don't

work in order to hold on to your dead parents.

Now this is about my parents?

Yes.

It has nothing to do with feelings or concern over finding a soulmate, huh?

Isabella is a literal metaphor.

There's no such thing as a literal metaphor.

She's a simile.

Mr. Walt Whitman here takes three night classes and

all of a sudden he's a doctor of English literature?

Huh?

Look, Isabella represents your parents.

Marissa represents letting go and accepting their deaths.

Oh, that's deep.

You learned that in night school too?

You don't need night school for that.

Try second grade.

It's basic stuff.

Well, basic stuff.

It's only the basis of modern psychoanalytic theory.

If you're calling Freud a second grader... You know what?

If Freud's theories are based on similes, then I guess I'm calling them that.

You know what?

Freud was full of shit.

How about that?

The first stage is anger.

I'm not angry, Steve.

Denial.

You know, when I was your age, they didn't have airplanes.

They've had airplanes since the 1920s.

Commercial airplanes been around since the 1920s.

Details, details.

If you want Marissa, fly to her.

Fly.

You know, like the song says.

What song?

Well, if they wrote one.

She's my soulmate.

They don't have VH conditioning.

In Italy.

I don't know why.

Maybe they got it from the Greeks.

So, you gotta take some newspaper.

Dip it in water.

Wrap it around to keep it moist and fresh.

Got it?

Now, Francesca will take care of everything.

But don't screw this up.

I'm not gonna screw it up.

I like this girl.

I do, too.

And I want you to come back with this.

Okay.

Okay?

All right.

I'll kill you if you don't.

It's a beautiful ring.

Jackie, do me a favor.

Take this for Frankie and load it up with a lot

of costume jewelry so the customs will never know.

Okay?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Yeah.

My cousin there.

He'll take care of you.

Alessandro has the finest fabrics in all of the world.

Except for here.

The cuts?

Stupendo.

All right.

Thanks, Silvana.

Prego.

Ciao.

Ma, sei un disgraziato.

Eh!

Non cominciare!

Carvi!

Stupendo!

Questo lui come volevo prendere cura di me?

Questo non è vero!

Do

you speak English?

Signor Bianchi?

Yeah.

Francesca.

Hi, Jake.

How are you doing?

Your aunt nit Teresa said you could help me up.

Yes, for love.

Look, I prepared them just for you.

Fresh, fresh.

They are from today.

Do you like them?

Good morning.

No, why not?

I don't speak English.

Well, a little bit.

I need to find a guest.

A veterinarian Marisa Costa.

No, no, no.

No it's not a veterinarian.

It's a veterinarian.

No, no.

A veterinarian Costa.

An Italian.

She's Italian.

I know she's Italian.

She told me she's Italian.

There you go.

I need a

room next to hers.

I need to sleep a dorm mirror next to her room.

I want to be her neighbor.

Perfect.

How many nights, sir?

Marissa, I know I was a jerk.

And I'm sorry.

But I love you so much.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Besides, you lied, too.

You're Spanish.

Tu hablas espanol, hm?

Don't say that, Jake.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Oh, hey.

Can I help you?

Um... yeah.

I was looking for my, uh...

For my...

Do you have any shampoo?

Shampoo?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, hold on.

Okay.

There you go.

You know, you're girlfriends.

You're girlfriends.

Yeah.

Yeah, so's the robe.

You know, once you just keep it, I'll tell her the maid took it.

Oh, you know what I would love to do tomorrow?

Let's go for a hike.

I can't.

I have to work.

I have to be up at like six.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, you know what?

Let's go get some gelato.

Gelato?

Right now.

Yeah.

Really?

They got cable.

I know.

The cable here?

Yeah.

It's like three channels.

Did you see the German one?

I'm sorry.

Jake.

This is Michael.

Michael, this is Jake.

Jake.

Boston Jake?

Michael?

Hey, I heard a lot about you.

I thought he was limping the sack.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm just saying, that's what I heard.

Jake.

Will you marry me?

No.

No.

Get up.

Come on.

This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.

I thought you two were just friends.

We are.

I miss you so much.

I just want to be with you.

Hey, um, she said no.

So, if you don't mind, could you leave us alone, please?

It's our anniversary.

Two weeks ago, this very day, I gave her an orgasm

that you couldn't possibly touch with a vibrator.

Okay, enough, Jake.

Seriously.

You're kidding, right?

Right.

It's between Marissa and me.

This doesn't concern you.

You messed with my woman.

Will you marry me?

Get up.

Come on.

Get up.

Get up.

You messed with my woman.

I'm gonna kill you.

And then I'm gonna cut off your balls, and I'm gonna have them bronzed.

It's with the balls and the Italian guys.

What are you, you got a Greek complex?

Yeah, a Greek complex.

That's good.

Rearranging furniture.

I like your peach shirt.

Come here, you.

Oh, you like the peach?

Hey, where you going?

You're running the surface.

I can do this all night.

If you ask me if I had a dream,

you're my dream.

I love you.

No, Michael, don't hurt him.

You want a hug?

Marissa.

Good morning.

Where am I?

Are you okay?

Did I win?

Yeah.

You won.

Now get up.

You get up.

I'm going for a run.

No way.

You can't do that.

You can't take another ass-kicking.

Everything will be all right in spite of me.

You don't have to humor me.

You can run ahead if you want.

Your poor face.

I'm fine, promise.

I don't remember your answer.

My answer?

Were you going to marry me?

Can you beat me to the rocks?

No.

Well, could you at least try?

Are you serious?

I don't want to...

Everything will be all right in spite of me.

Everything will be all right in spite of me.

And do you think we'll be all right this far with me?

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

Everything will be all right.

So turn up again.

There's a frame upon my wall.

But there's nothing inside at all.

And everybody listens.

And now I'm tempted in the middle of an otherwise

good year, as it's always been round here.

Now I'm absolutely free, and everything is

clear, and suddenly it seems that I'm not empty.

And I'm not dead.

You know no one's gonna buy your philosophical bullshit, don't you?

Sure they will.

A psychologist who's more screwed up than his patients?

How can anyone not be cured?

Steve, why don't you just stay here?

Go to Harvard with me.

They got some great master programs.

The two of us, we could have psychology until the sixth grade.

No, no, I'm through with Boston and this weather.

Hey, California's got enough freaks already, so I figured Arizona's gonna be perfect.

That's nice.

They don't know what they're in for.

This would make a great picture.

Let's get one.

I got it.

Hey, Pop, get in here and take a picture, will ya?

Just a minute, please.