Original subtitles

You must realize, Bosley, your wife is one of the most neurotic women I've ever

examined. I still think a few more months in the sanitarium would be

It may be too early to trust her in her natural environment.

Oh, Doc, be optimistic.

Peggy's breakdown is part of the path now. I don't want her in another mental

hospital. I want her home with me and the kid.

Dr. Evans, the road to mental health is just around the corner.

We'll see about that.

You didn't know I marked these, did you?

Here, look here. See this pencil line? That was marked just yesterday.

You've had quite a few cocktails, haven't you, Griselda?

What else have you pilfered?

I think I'll have a look in that purse. You ain't looking in my purse. Why not?

Got something to hide? Don't you know men aren't supposed to look in a lady's

handbag?

No wonder you people are always in the unemployment line. Now give me that bag.

I don't want no white man looking at my Tampax. I wouldn't worry about your

Tampax if I were you.

Well, look at this.

My savings account book.

With withdrawal slips.

My lottery ticket.

And two rolls of toilet paper.

I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

I'm going to call the police and report you. Get out!

playing through.

Peggy her medication, and then I'll be back to deal with you.

Peg!

Get out!

Let's have a little medication, all right? Oh, you're just upset.

Now, what's the matter?

Everything was going so well.

Get out of here, you stinking piece of flesh!

Don't say those things, Peggy.

Come on.

This will make you feel better.

Give me your arm. Oh, you touched me!

Now my flesh is rotting! The touch of scum! Stop it, Peggy.

Don't make me use force.

Now let me give you your shot or I'll have to call the hospital. Stay away!

me to come this way, Griselda. You know I hate nature.

Look at those disgusting trees stealing my oxygen.

Oh, I can't stand this scenery another minute.

All natural forest should be turned into housing development.

I want cement covering every blade of grass in this nation. Don't we taxpayers

have a voice anymore?

Do you ever shut up? The police are out looking for us, you know.

We're going to camp out here overnight.

Camp out? Oh, not me.

Now you listen to me, Miss Peggy Gravel. You better...

before I haul off and smack you upside your wide, wide head.

We killed your husband, and I ain't your maid anymore, bitch. I'm your sister in

crime.

Up against the car.

Arms up on the car. One false move and your head will be flying through them

trees. What is this? Are you kidding me? Does it look like I'm kidding now, Mal?

Officer, I am an outpatient from the hospital. I'm very prone to anxiety

attacks. So please treat me with therapeutic courtesy.

Ha, I know who you are. There's an all -points bullet now for both of you.

You're Peggy Gravel and you killed your husband.

Why, that's preposterous. We were about to have a picnic.

Don't give me that shit. You're trying to escape to Mortville.

I never heard of no town called Mortville.

Well, you should have. You belong there.

That's a special town for people like you two. People who should be so

embarrassed by what they've done.

I just might let you go there. That is, if you cooperate.

What do we have to do for you, sharer shit -face?

Sit on that car hood. You'll see.

something to show you first.

You like lingerie? How do you like these little numbers?

I sent away to them from Frederick's. They was expensive.

I love to feel a cold nylon on my big butt.

Will you please stop it?

I have never found the antics of deviants to be one bit amusing.

What I like best is a French kiss while I'm all dressed.

Don't expect no kiss from me, liver lips.

Come on, take off your underpants.

Hand them over.

I knew cops were sick.

These are big ones, a little plain for my taste.

Now, I think I'll slip them on.

How does that look? Pretty sexy, huh?

Now, how about that kiss?

If I kiss you, will you let us go?

You bet, man. I want a real wet one now.

Goddamn scum.

Now that was a real soul kiss.

Okay, Buster, you've had your fun. Now which way to Mortville?

I ain't through yet.

Mrs. Gravel, I'd like to examine your underpants.

I will not.

I thought you wanted to go to Mortville.

They let killers live there scot -free.

I have never been so mortified in my entire life.

Here, blossom.

That's more like it. Ah, these are from Bloomingdale's. You've got good taste.

I think I'll try to fit my big business into them.

They're tight, but they sure feel good.

Now, do I get my little kiss -kiss?

No, please, not a kiss. I swear I'll gag.

Melt me if you must, but not a kiss.

Come on now, I'm all dressed up in my pretty underthings, and I need a little

lip suction.

Now for that mouth.

I'd like to stick my whole head in your mouth and let you suck out my eyeballs.

I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Pull it.

Yeah,

the queen, you keep talking about the queen. The queen ain't worth a damn. I

stop!

I'll take a slice, please.

Oh, you want lemon meringue or chocolate?

Chocolate, honey. Okay.

That'll be ten cents. Could you recommend a rooming house where we could

the night?

I don't think I like it here.

It's filthy and the people are repulsive. We have no choice, Peggy, and

better than jail.

I'll tell you, Grisella, there is something wrong here. Look around you.

It's a village of idiots.

Can't you act normal?

Just act normal for a day.

Please, there must be a quality court or something. I can't go in that hog pen.

Oh, shut up.

Can I help you? We were raped. Please give us shelter.

You were raped?

Look, don't pay no attention to her. We need to rent a room.

You got money on you?

I'm a very wealthy woman.

Yeah, and I'm Sybil Shepard.

Come on in here. We might work something out. That is if you got money.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Griselda. Griselda Brown.

I'm Peggy's psychiatric nurse.

Room's out back.

Nothing fancy, but it's a roof over your head. Come on, I'll show you.

Shh. A girlfriend's sleeping.

Yeah, you're lucky it's empty.

My last tenant shot himself in here last night. That dumb fuck left a mess

everywhere.

Oh, damn it stinks in here.

Well, what do you think? Do you want it or not?

Will he be removed?

Yeah, I'll get the stiff out of here.

Don't. Think I got time for all the chores in the world.

No linens until I soak these in cold water, and we ain't got no toilets in

Mortville.

How do we... I guess you'll just have to use your imagination.

I see.

I see. How much cash you got? Give me that!

Six bucks? Hey, you are a rich one.

A lottery ticket? Well, I'll take that, and I'll win it.

What's this, a bank book?

A lot of good that'll do you here.

There aren't any banks in Mortville?

There ain't nothing here, lady.

Nobody's got one red cent in Mortville except for that queen.

The queen?

Can she help us? You got a lot to learn about living in Mortville.

I think we'd like to take the room.

It's all yours, sweetheart.

You hungry?

Yeah.

I think I'm going to eat myself some chow, and I got a little extra.

Looks like you got a big appetite. I'd be happy to help with the preparation.

Oh, this one takes the cake.

You both sure are ugly bitches.

Go on, sit down.

Hey, Muffy, we got company.

We really hadn't planned on coming here.

We're from the Guilford neighborhood in Baltimore.

I've been to Baltimore a few times.

Bomberg, I hate it. All them hillbilly fucks looking at you.

Well, if you want to know the truth, we had no choice but to come to Mortville.

We're in a lot of trouble.

You see, I'm quite prominent, and we accidentally killed my husband.

I don't care what you did.

Nobody's in Mortville for a vacation.

We all did... something or we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Dinner's served.

I'm really not that hungry.

I invited you to dinner and you accepted.

Now you'll eat this if I have to jam it down your throat.

Mafia, I called you to dinner. Do I have to come in there and smack you?

You don't have to shout the house down. I heard you all right already.

This is my girlfriend, Muffy St.

Jacques, the most beautiful woman in all of Mortville.

Hi.

This is Griselda, and I forget your name.

Peggy, Peggy Gravel. It's a pleasure.

We rent the room out back, so I guess we'll be neighbors.

Oh, really?

Well, I sleep in the room right next to you.

You're five minutes late for dinner, Muffy. Don't you remember our little

about your laziness?

I was having an erotic dream.

I warned you about thinking about men before your afternoon nap.

Dirty thoughts about dirty men bring on dirty dreams, and you're a dirty girl,

Muffy. Mole, I can't help what I think about. After all, it's not my fault Mr.

Sandman is not a bulldozer like you.

Queen Carlotta, anything you say could put you in front of the firing squad.

Take it easy. We ain't fighting you.

Help us. Please help us.

Oh, don't worry.

Standard procedure in Mortville.

Officer, would you like to have a little cup of gin or something? Stay back,

peasant woman.

Oh Griselda!

the Honorable Queen Carlotta of Mortville.

Welcome to Mortville, ladies. I read in the big city papers that you

are wanted for murder.

The murder of a certain Mr.

Broccoli Gravel. We only... You are interrupting my flow of power.

Give these peasants a little dinner, Lieutenant Wilson. I bet they're hungry

after a long day of breaking laws.

Here, nice live roaches. Oh, no, no.

Come on, eat these fucking things. Come on, eat them. Eat them.

Eat them, goddamn.

Eat them.

Eat these things. Eat these roaches.

That ain't right for you, too, honey. Come on, eat them.

Eat them. Follow those goddamn things. Eat them.

Now listen to me, riffraff.

Every word I ever utter is to be taken as a direct royal

proclamation or face death by the firing squad. Yes,

ma 'am.

Yes, your royal highness.

Let's show them we're not kidding.

Bring in the prisoner, Lieutenant Wilson.

Any last words, goon face?

You can lick my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig.

You must always...

Majesty. And you, Mrs. Gravel, murderess?

You've made yourself quite clear.

Your... Your Royal Majesty.

Oh, be it!

Lieutenant Williams, take them to our ugly experts and give them a complete

overhaul. And when you walk down the streets of Mortville, make sure you're

dressed like what you really are.

Correct!

duties of discipline ever over, Lieutenant Wilson.

Remove me from this contraption. I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

Yes, I know, I know. Get me into my royal cot and be quick.

Come on, come on. I haven't got all day. Come on, hurry, hurry.

Come on.

Yes, come on.

If it pleases the Queen, royal security has reported that the Princess Cuckoo

has returned to the castle. She's been out all night again.

with that garbage man.

That child of mine will be the death of me yet. Take me to her chambers.

I honor you, Your Majesty. Be quick. Come on. Let's go.

Honor you, Your Majesty.

Cuckoo, I must have a little talk with you.

Oh, leave me alone, Mommy. I've had a wonderful evening, and I don't want to

explore with your nosy nagging. A wonderful evening with a garbage man?

Not a garbage man. He just helps pick up trash at the nudist colony. I hardly

think that a nudist janitor is a proper escort for a royal princess.

I'm 38 years old, and I can date who I please. You have no right to order me

around like one of your subjects.

You may not really... I realize it, Cuckoo, but you have an awesome

responsibility on your shoulders.

One day, all Morphville will be yours, and you must learn to rule with dignity.

I don't want to be queen of anywhere.

Mother, I want to marry Herbert.

Herbert? Is that his name?

It's a beautiful name.

You would step down from your throne for the love of a mutant?

Oh, Mommy, I...

you, Cuckoo.

You're forbidden to leave your room until your 40th birthday.

Queen Carlotta?

Can you make it, Your Highness?

I suppose so.

I believe it's your night to service me, Lieutenant Wilson.

I'm always eager, Your Highness.

Oh, that love muscle.

Whip it out and show it hard.

Oh, come on, Daddy. Fuck me. Come on.

Oh, glow, little inchworm. Oh, look at those balls.

Oh, Daddy, come on.

Oh, look at that pelt.

Yeah. Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, Lieutenant. I haven't got all night.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

Oh,

oh,

oh,

oh, oh.

Don't bother with the head. The bay of my crotch is what needs the attention.

But I can fuck like a bandit, Your Highness.

Shut up, Peggy. No, I won't shut up. You shut up. I'll tell you, my blue blood

is about ready to boil.

Hey, you listen to me, wacko.

See this fist?

I'm about ready to use that hatchet face of yours as a punching bag.

Now sit down and shut up.

Mole's right, Peggy.

one to hear it. Well, we can't all be your psychiatrists, honey. We've got

problems of our own.

Well, why are you in Mortville?

Oh, it's a long, ugly story.

Go ahead, Muffy, tell her. Maybe she'd stop feeling sorry for herself. I wasn't

always like this.

Oh, I mean, of course I was always visually stunning.

But I was married to a man, and I had a baby named Freddy.

It was about two years ago, and my husband and I were just returning from a

cocktail party.

Let me drive.

Get off. I can drive. Always trying to boss me around.

You're drunk.

As per usual.

Every time we step out of the house, you get dead drunk.

When you're married.

crazy woman. You crazy woman. Open this window.

You crazy woman. You should be in a mental hospital.

And I'll tell you, it isn't very pretty what a town without pity can do.

What brought me here was a championship wrestling match. It was back in 1966.

And I was fighting under the name of Rasslin' Rita.

And my challenger was Big Jimmy Dong, the human blockhead.

Good evening.

I've been here ever since, sitting in my own stink and trying to figure a way

out.

But our luck's gonna be changing, right, Muff?

Yeah, of course.

and walked backwards at all times. Anyone who fails to perform for the

will be immediately executed.

Bertie, Bertie.

I bet you flew all the way to Morseville just to see Backward State, didn't you?

Well, you flew into the right window because I'm your queen.

Yes.

Excuse me, Your Highness, but Princess Cuckoo has just escaped from her royal

bedroom. She what?

Let's hurry. Let's hurry.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, you big ape. Hurry up. Hurry up. Come on.

Why, that ungrateful little whippersnapper.

She escaped by sitting down this rope of sheets.

newspapers are contraband, but I sure hope you do win. This town could stand a

little glamour. I tell you, I'm getting fed up. Ah, we're all fed up, Shina. At

least you don't have to participate in backwards day. I know.

But I tell you, if you two are having an affair, be careful. That queen will cut

off your ears.

Let her do it, then. Herbert doesn't care if I have ears. He only cares about

mind.

Herbert! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Oh, Cuckoo.

I worship the ground you walk on.

I couldn't keep my mind on my work all morning.

Every piece of trash I had to pick up reminded me of you.

An old candy wrapper.

Made me think of how sweet you are.

A snotty Kleenex made me realize how much I'd cry if we ever had to part.

An old rubber made me think of all the Knights of Eros we have before us.

I love you, Cuckoo.

Oh, Herbert, I masturbated 14 times last night just thinking of you. And when I

finally did fall asleep, my dreams were not exactly dry.

Take me now, Herbert.

Take me in front of the whole town.

so jealous, she thinks the toilets I sit on is her competition.

Now, what can I do for you? Trying to find today's paper.

You got one, Chauncey? Yeah, yeah, I got one.

I thought she finds me. You obviously belong in a mental hospital.

Look who's calling the kettle black.

She's just upset.

Now be easy on her. I will not. I don't want some renegade necrophile princess

as my roommate.

It's just for a few days.

Don't be so selfish.

Selfish? I'll show you selfish.

Get out of here, mongrel.

riffraff in and they bring the neighborhood down every time.

Look, baby, I've got to get my ass into Baltimore to claim our money and do some

shopping. Will you be all right while I'm gone?

Oh, sure, I'll be fine, but you be careful.

All right, then. Lock those doors and don't fuck any men.

I see France.

Oh, spread those legs, baby.

Oh, yes, siree, a Hollywood love.

Come on, that love muscle, I want to see it.

Oh, come on over here with that thing.

You're a wicked little boy.

Getting me all heated up, aren't you? I'm going to have to give you a

bad little boy, haven't I, Your Highness?

You certainly have.

Yes, please do.

Your body has a certain odor about it that always annoys me.

An odor, Your Majesty?

Yes, a wretched stench.

I wash daily, Your Majesty. Well, wash harder in the future.

There is a noticeable odor zone somewhere on your body, and I'd

it if you could locate it and deodorize it. I'll try and correct it, Your

Majesty. Oh, we can't... I'll be perfect, Lieutenant Grogan. Come on over

and sit beside my feet.

I honor you, Queen Carlotta.

You honor me, but certain commoners in this town obviously don't.

Someone threw a mud ball at me today.

If only I had a little pink button to push that could wipe out this town.

Tell me, is it possible to get me a hydrogen bomb?

I doubt it, Your Majesty.

How about germ warfare?

You know anything about that? You mean poisoning the population?

Yes, that sounds like a fun project. How about rabies? Could we spread that

disease inexpensively?

I think so, Your Majesty. All we need is some rabid bat pus to make a serum.

Fine, let's try it. Rabid bat pus, and let's put in a little rat piss for good

luck. You're a...

Your Majesty.

I know.

I know.

You let me out of here, mummy!

You murderous, you rat!

Take him back!

Back to the ground!

What? What? What? Your Majesty, Herbert the Garbage Man is dead.

And thanks to this noble peasant woman, we have captured Cuckoo and returned her

to the castle.

royal hogness, to once and for all be freed from this mockery of a monarchy.

I will never live down the shame of my inherited name, but I will do my best to

see that you topple from the throne.

Loyalty to the queen sometimes results in rewards.

Let me be the new princess, your majesty.

I have seen the human trash of Mortville, and I share your contempt for

town. My subjects are beneath contempt, Mrs. Gravel. Dealing with the poor

people is a waste of time. Only the rich should be allowed to live.

I like your politics, Mrs. Gravel. And to tell the truth...

I need a woman like yourself to follow in my footsteps.

If you looked all over this land, Your Majesty, I doubt you'd find a woman as

vicious as I.

We'll give you a trial run.

Your first duty will be to help my soldiers spread rabies to everyone in

Do you think you can handle that?

Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

And I know just the person I... want to give it to first.

Dr. Romy Singer, Dr. Romy Singer, Dr. Kate Purcell, Dr. Purcell, Dr. Dennis

Shumetta, Dr. Shumetta.

May I help you?

Yeah, I want a sex change.

Step over here, please.

Hey, look, I'm in a rush, so I'd appreciate it if you took me before

turkeys.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I don't. I'm sorry, but we don't see anyone here without an appointment.

Well, you do now, Nurse Nancy.

Come on, bitch, cut these tits off.

and I want it now.

I'm out in the sex chain. It's a long, complicated process.

We just can't... Just give me the basis or I'll cut her head off.

Look, why don't you just fill out the necessary forms and we'll see if... Cut

the sermons and give me my wing. I want a wing and I want it now.

I can only do just so much under the circumstances. If you don't give me the

sex...

when the Maryland...

Doctor ordered.

That ought to give it a little kick.

Cougs! Bring in Princess Cuckoo and tell her her medicine's ready. Get off here

with those semen -stained hands, you big ape. I can walk by myself.

You ass -kissing little snitch. One day I'll get my hands on you. I doubt you'll

have the time, for you are now the president.

Times have got to tell you, men are genetic rejects. And all that gristle

got hanging down between their legs was God's first big mistake.

And us women have been paying for it ever since.

What is she doing in my home anyway?

Oh, be easy on her, Mo. She's been through hell.

When we found her, she was regurgitating in the street.

Yeah, her mother, the hog, had her gang raped. The poor things had a terrible

time. You know that gravel woman you were hanging out with? Well, she works

the queen now.

She shot Cuckoo up with a rabies potion.

I'm not surprised.

That snotty little social climber. I knew I should have fractured her skull.

Can I get you anything, Cuckoo? Are you infectious, honey?

I don't know.

Much love.

Well, under the circumstances, we'll have to ask you to refrain from using

kitchen utensils.

I won't breathe on anything.

I promise.

But please help me kill my mother.

How's Project Rabies coming along, Peggy? Oh, I feel just like Jonas Salk.

Tomorrow is the first day of mass immunization. Or at least that's what

morons...

Oh, won't it be funny when they start collapsing on the street?

It'll be like walking through a human sewer.

Oh, I hope I get a chance to kick every one of them right in the head just as

they gasp for their last breath.

It'll be beautiful.

A symphony of death rattles.

History will not forget this holiday of death.

Just looking for a little fun.

Can I come up and see the inside of your bedroom?

Hmm, I've had a hard -on for this bitch for a long time.

You know you horny pigs aren't supposed to come cruising around a castle.

Oh, but, officer, you're so cute, I just couldn't resist.

Oh, you're shaking, little mama, aren't you?