Original subtitles

Sorry it took so long. The line at the burrito place was crazy.

-Also, I don't like being here. -Mm.

What? Did he lose his protein powder?

Uh, Vic thinks a bird has declared war

-on the DMV, and he's gonna fight it. -GREGG: Ugh.

The crow in the parking lot?

I told you, don't bother that bird.

It's way smarter than you.

He's a bully!

He terrorizes anyone

who gets near histree.

Oh, yeah. What business does a bird have in a tree?

The guy clocks me driving up, and he starts stepping.

Like, right off the bat, steps right up.

-Ooh. -Got that look on his face.

Uh, does he say anything?

Yeah.

-Looks at me and "Caw! Caw-caw!" -Oh.

"Caw! Caw! Caw!"

-It's hate-screech. -Mm-hmm.

And it stops today, 'cause today,

I stand up for the walkers.

-Thank you for your service. -Mm. Way to go.

Found what I was looking for.

[imitates robotic whirring]

Battle mode engaged.

I'll figure it out.

COLETTE: Yeah, it's good. It's good.

[Vic laughs]

-He's not well. -Mm-mm.

FYI, I, um... I might not be too chatty today.

-Great. -'Cause I can finally

dig into this new book, Wild.

It's about this tough woman who finds herself while hiking.

Oh, yeah, the new book that the 2014 movie was based on?

Yeah, I remember, and I rented the DVD

from a library, back when they had DVDs.

And libraries.

Real funny, and real rich, coming from a guy

who doesn't know how to turn the flashlight off on his phone.

I know how.

-Like that. -[crow cawing]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

What? Oh, my God.

-COLETTE: Oh, my God. -Caw! Caw! Caw!

-[crow cawing] -Caw, caw, caw! Caw, caw, caw!

Ooh. Sneak attack.

-[caws] -You caw!

-I don't know who I'm rooting for. -I do.

VIC: Aah!

COLETTE: Run, Vic! Run!

[cawing]

-[ripping] -Oh, my God. It got the umbrella.

-Oh, wow. -[cawing]

♪ ♪

Uh, excuse me?

Um, what are you doing, throwing your smelly trash over here?

The cans in the driving examiner area were full-ish,

so I thought I'd put it in the big boy.

You know that janitors only come at night, right?

And the big boy fills up pretty quickly.

It's us counter workers that are throwing the trash

into the dumpsters all day long.

Actually, it's just me.

-Exactly. -I don't mind, though.

I like the exercise. Plus, it hardly ever drips.

-That's so nice of you. -My God.

-You are such a DEB. -A deb?

Is that like... Oh, like a debutante.

"DEB" stands for "Driving Examiner Babies."

That's what everybody calls you behind your backs.

-What? Why? -It's 'cause

you all act like you deserve special treatment, like babies.

I don't think I deserve special treatment.

When was the last time you cleaned out the coffee maker?

I put the carafe in the sink.

And I don't even drink coffee anymore.

I switched to matcha because it's healthier.

-Right. -And you avoid that, like, mid-morning crash.

All I heard was, "DEB, DEB, DEB, DEB, DEB, matcha.

-DEB, DEB, DEB." -Don't sound like that.

You guys swear you're better than everyone else.

Counter workers, security, janitors.

Excuse me. I'm a woman of the people.

-Oh. -And you can't use the word "janitor" anymore.

The term is "custodial engineer."

"DEB, DEB, DEB, not janitor, DEB, DEB, DEB."

-[clapping hands sharply] -Next!

I don't have all day. Let's go.

-You really need a matcha. -You can go.

I'm gonna bring you one.

[cawing]

-Hey. -[Gregg chuckles]

Hey. Birdman's still at it.

Hey, you are not going to believe this.

Apparently, people call us DEBs.

-It stands for... -Driving Examiner Babies.

-Yeah. -Yeah. Back in my day,

the "B" stood for something different.

Ceci says that we think we're better than everyone.

Yes, we are.

The best day of my life was when I became a DEB

and stopped being a "county."

Do not call counter workers that.

Why didn't I know about any of this?

Because you skipped working at the counter

and went right to becoming a driving examiner somehow.

Because I have a college degree, Gregg.

-I do, too. -Mm.

What other difference between you and I

would put you on the fast track?

-Mm. -Hmm.

Maybe 'cause I'm younger and a female.

Yeah, those are the only differences.

[crow cawing]

I get it.

You maybe have shredded my umbrella,

but you'll never shred my spirit.

[yelling]

Really?

[quietly]: Ugh, that is...

What in Dolly Parton's America happened to your head flap?

That darn crow ambushed me.

Fell right into his trap.

Animals can be territorial.

My cats claimed my indoor bathroom.

-You need to get that ear checked out. -Nah.

-It's fine. I'm a quick healer. -Aah. I'm serious.

You need to see a doctor.

Don't believe in 'em.

Never been sick for more than a day.

All right, I'm gonna go pound these Figgy Newts

and take down that crow.

No biggie. It's just a little gift, gratis.

Other driving examiners might be DEBs, but not this one.

Nope, this one... this one gets it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. More cans means more time

for trash to sit out here in our area.

Colette, you just gifted us two stink bombs.

I was trying to help.

I just want to make things easier

for all the counter professionals.

Easier? You want to know what would make things easier?

If we had any of the benefits

that you and those other two idiots have.

Better pay, downtime in between tests,

no customers that suck up to us because they want to pass.

Oh, God. Best of all, you guys have your own private,

first-class lounge.

Do you mean our desks?

Yeah. A quiet sanctuary, away from customers.

God, even our regional manager has her own space,

and she's never even here.

Those reegies. I've had it up to here.

Give me some.

Please don't. Yeah.

We are on display like animals at a zoo,

except for at this zoo,

the people watching us are also animals.

[knocking]

I'm so sorry. I'm-I'm on my break.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm actually on my break, too,

except I'm a medical doctor

who will be returning to a life-saving surgery.

So...

whose time is more valuable?

I'm indicating balance, but in reality, it is my time.

CECI: We can't even

finish our paperwork, let alone get a second to ourselves.

It's always, "I have a surgery to get to,"

"Oh, I have kids to pick up,"

"Oh, please, can you stash this bag underneath your counter?

I'll be back for it in three weeks."

I have to deal with stuff, too.

Like... drivers,

and... examining them.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving G...

♪ ♪

Since nobody sits here,

feel free to use it whenever you need to.

-Mi casa es su...desk. -CECI: Nah.

This feels like a set-up.

Like when a department store puts a rack of clothing outside.

This is not a set-up. It's just an olive branch,

which is, you know, a symbol of peace.

But you know, I'm not trying to DEB-splain.

-So we can really take our breaks here? -Yeah.

Because, as Ceci pointed out,

the wasps in the break room are mating.

-Yeah, they are. -Yeah.

Hey, is it okay if I, um, listen

to some really cool, woodwind-only music?

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just... I just want you to make this your own. Yeah.

-[radio static] -I just... I'm here to help and uplift.

-[radio plays woodwind music] -Actually, this is really nice.

I have plenty of room to bedazzle the hats

for my high school reunion.

Absolutely.

-Ah. Didn't know we were expecting company. -COLETTE: Mm.

GREGG: Is this my retirement party?

Please be my retirement party.

We are just opening things up,

'cause there's no divisions at the DMV.

I can't hear what you're saying,

'cause there's still some beak in my ear canal.

-Mm-hmm. -But I can tell by the shapes

your mouth is making that it's a big pile of doggie doobs.

You're both such DEBs.

Can you just trust me?

I think this is gonna be so much better.

All right! So this is the hang zone.

-What's up, Scottie?! -Hey.

The gang from Written Tests will be here in a minute.

You know, they're just nuking some fish sticks.

COLETTE [chuckling weakly]: Oh.

-Mm. -[crunching chips]

What's that disease

where it really bothers you when people are chewing

close to your ear? Yeah.

Really glad I don't have that. [laughs]

Ah.

This is exactly what I wanted.

CECI: Shut up.

Shut up right now. Oh, my God. No me digas.

Bianca is not coming to the reunion. You are kidding me.

You are kidding me. I bet you

she's gonna stuff the ballot for Best Hair.

If it's anything like high school,

it's not the only thing she's gonna be stuffing.

Ah! [laughs] My God.

That girl cannot post a picture on Instagram

without using the Paris filter, I swear, girl.

How's your utopia?

We're all adjusting to progress.

Yeah. Does this extra noise make it a little harder

for me to focus on one woman's journey from lost to found?

Sure, but that's... It's a small price to pay...

Hey, is that Wild?

-Oh. Isn't it incredible? -Yeah, so far.

I'm just having a little trouble getting into it.

Hey, you wait until the moment where she uses heroin.

I did not see it coming. [laughs airily]

CECI: Oh, my God. I swear.

How does it feel to have something wonderful ruined?

CECI: There is no way the Salazar twins are going.

And one of them got ugly? I told you.

I freaking called it when I was 15 years old.

I knew she was gonna get fat.

I am still stuck here, so tell the anesthesiologist

that we'll be starting late.

I guess just put my smoothie in the freezer.

Straw out.

Oh. Uh, got to go.

I hear you're a doctor. I'm the manager, Barb.

Well, Barb, you remind me a lot of my ex-wife,

because I'm waiting, waiting, waiting.

"Oh, what's that? We missed our flight?"

Seriously, this is worse than the ER.

Listen, I can get you out of here quick

if you do me a small, little favor.

Teat for tat.

You're saying if I help you,

you'll bump me to the front of the line?

I'm not gonna give you any pills, though.

I don't have my prescription pad on me.

Actually, you know what?

Let me see if I have any loosies in my purse.

Usually got a couple of those suckers in here.

Uh, uh, what, lady?

You think just because you're a doctor,

I'm gonna bump you up to the front of the line?

-Get out of here. -[overlapping chatter]

Uh-oh.

Go! Illegal move by the doctor!

Go!

Double back to test.

You got to go.

Okay, I actually...

I do want to get you a prescription.

Or something, but we can... talk about that later.

Okay. Thank you.

Empty.

Ooh.

Yes.

Hi, Gregg.

Colette turned me on to this new book--

The Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell.

-Have you read this? -It's not new.

How can you both be like this?

And where is Colette?

I... I don't know. I'm not too sure.

But have you read this?

I didn't need to read it. Colette talked to me about it

for 10,000 hours.

Oh, my God, Gregg.

That is a major premise of this book.

[loud, heavy sigh]

You're just gonna stay straight, and you won't turn right

until you hit the hot dog stand with the wiener man on the top.

Here's a random question to pass time during the driving test.

Do you feel like you have a fever?

-Fever? -Headache? Tenderness?

Difficulty urinating?

Whoa. What's with the 'gaish?

Interrogaish.

[laughs]

Um, the q... uh... all the questions?

I have a friend who'd be perfect for you.

I hate her.

Anyway, your ear is oozing on my headrest.

-Ew. -Tell me, can you hear this?

Hear what? [laughs]

What? Do you not know how to snap?

-I mean, everyone knows it's like this. -[snapping]

Oh, God. I can't make a sound, either.

What's wrong? Are we dead?

Here, drive into that tree.

No. You can make a sound.

You just can't hear it, 'cause your ear's infected.

I'm a doctor.

Well, surgeon.

I make six figures.

And that's after settlements.

Anyway, your manager asked me to take a look.

Barb put you up to this?

I don't know. All I can see is a vest.

Barb? You had a doctor examine me while I was examining her?

What kind of a confusing,

one-hour procedural drama is this?

I'm sorry, but you needed medical attention.

That's the only kind of attention I don't need.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving B30 at window...

What's the diagnosis, Doc?

The diagnosis, uh, is that the DMV sucks.

[laughs]

And also, that man does need antibiotics.

And possibly a psych eval.

-That's what I thought. -In fact, I would

recommend a psych eval for

nearly everyone who works here.

Whoa.

What is going on?

Why is everyone in my--

um, in Patty's office?

Uh-oh. Looks like somebody sent all the riffraff here,

so that he could have some peace at his desk.

Sorry about your secret hideaway.

It's not a secret hideaway. It is just a place to come

between stressful driving tests that, you know,

is free from the stank of microwaved fish.

But you didn't tell anyone about it,

which is curious, because I thought

you didn't want any division.

I don't. It's just, there's a lot of them,

and not to generalize, but they are loud,

and they chew with their mouths open.

GREGG: And this is why

things are the way they are, and it's pointless to make a change.

It's not pointless. It's important.

I just... I didn't how many of them would be on a break

so often, and I'm just trying

to get away for a few minutes to read a book

that I already know the ending of

because someone ruined it for me.

But I can't even sit at my desk,

because my chair is covered in rhinestones.

But then, I finally find a little space for myself.

And I walk in to see it's also been taken over

by a bunch of fricking counties.

[people gasping]

Classic DEB, right?

Did you just call us counties?

Oh, my God. I-I can't believe that I-I said that.

Wow, Colette. Just wow.

I have never used that word before,

except when discussing municipal geography, like L.A. County.

-Sorry. I said it again. -CECI: No, no, no.

Admit it. You're a DEB--

a Driving Examiner Baby.

Ceci, I was just trying to bring everyone together.

CECI: I don't know why, because

you clearly think you are so much better than us.

You know what? Counties,

let's go back to where we came from, okay?

You don't have to go. We can all stay, like Scottie, my boy.

Noa, please.

-We're still good, right? -Well...

Monica. Jill.

I mean, it's Joyce, is it?

It's Jilloyce. You went to her wedding.

Jilloyce. How's that flatware working out?

You know what I think, Colette?

I think you'll never understand what it's like

to work behind a counter 'cause you haven't had to.

That's why you're so clueless.

GREGG: Oh, look,

you got your secret place back again.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't go back in time and work the counter.

You're gonna say, "Unless..."

-Unless. -Yup.

Colette, what... what are you doing?

The work, Noa.

I'm doing the work.

Specifically, though, what is the work?

Is there a log-in?

You know-- I'll figure it out.

-Okay. -When Barb gave me permission,

she didn't exactly tell me what to do.

Hello, sir. Welcome to the DMV.

I need this boat registered by noon, or I lose my kids.

I didn't know that we did water vehicles.

How about that? Noa, is there a boat button?

They really threw me in the deep end here.

[laughs] Boat humor.

["I Want My Minutes Back" by Snapped Ankles playing]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪

♪ I want my minutes back♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...♪

Whoops. I have... I've locked myself out.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪

♪ I want my minutes back♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪

♪ I want my minutes back...♪

DR. JACOBS: Yeah. I'd like to go

on the record to say that I...

Whoops. I've been locked out again.

-Can you...? I need a little help. -Okay.

Am I on a hidden camera show or something?

Sorry. Uh, uh, just a minute.

It's not working. That one's dead.

You need some better... We need some better staplers.

-Here. -Uh, great.

♪ ♪

Well, you're not gonna believe it,

but I... I just locked you out. I locked you out.

Excuse me. Uh, Colette, I cannot take this fine doctor's photos

because her paperwork is not correct.

-Isn't it? -CECI: Also,

-these are all wrong, too. -Oh.

♪ I want my minutes back...♪

You know what? I just won't drive.

♪ I want, I want, I want my minutes back.♪

[crow cawing]

You wanted to see me?

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, I get it.

You're gonna stab me in the back for real this time.

A guy with your build?

I would need a seven-inch serrated knife

to reach your vital organs.

No, silly. I'm cutting the crust off your grilled cheese.

Grilled cheese.

Okay, you've got five minutes.

I made it just the way you like it.

Keto bread, mozzarella and two Babybels?

-With the wax still on? -With the wax still on.

Thanks.

So, this anti-doctor thing-- did you read it online, or...?

No, I'm just...

I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things.

Like my Aunt Judy, whenever the Browns lose,

which is basically all the time.

The last time I saw my meemaw was right before

she went to the hospital for hip surgery.

They told her everything was gonna be okay.

I went into the foster system right after that.

Oh, buddy.

That's why... that's why I don't like doctors.

Now I need a grilled cheese.

Well, let's go halfsies.

-[gasps] -What?

Are these... pills?

Were you...? Seriously, were you trying to drug me?

They're muscle relaxers. I slipped them in there

to try to take you to urgent care against your will.

-Seriously?! -I'm sorry, buddy.

-It's just that... -This...

is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

[sighs]

You really care, Barb.

Of course. You're my special guy.

Well, if I go see the doctor, would you come with?

-Yeah, sure. -And maybe milkshakes after?

Yeah, sure.

And stop at the mall for back-to-school sneakers?

Milkshakes.

Ugh.

The counter is no joke.

I barely had time to check my texts,

or, like, cry quietly into the crook of my elbow.

Quietly? Mama, I heard you wailing louder than when

you found out chipmunks only live to be three years old.

Their little hearts beat so fast.

I-I can't believe that I worked here for so long

without understanding what you deal with.

-You guys are warriors. -NOA: Aw.

Well, hey, we were also saying

that we were kind of impressed with you, too.

You were? Ceci, you said that?

I didn't say it.

-I maybe shrugged when he said it. -Aw.

All right, put it back in your pants. Relax.

We were just saying that no other driving examiners

have ever voluntarily come to work the counters with us.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow. I'm gonna talk

to Barb, move some things around.

And this time, I will know

that an Audi is a type of car, not a belly button.

Yeah, no need to come back. You know,

be the change you wish to see in the world,

and all the places you'll go.

-You did great. Noa, help me. -Uh, yeah. No, no. Yup.

-Please. -Yup, you crushed it. Crushed...

You don't want me to work the counter again,

cause I... I sucked at it.

-That's very true, yes. -You were so terrible. Yeah.

Someone named Colette came through my line.

Took us a full hour to figure out what was going on.

Look, you may not be built for county life.

But you know what else you're not? A DEB.

Because a DEB would never admit they suck.

I guess I'm in my own special category,

-just like my gynecologist says. -Mm.

Okay, no more counter work, but starting today,

I am gonna take the trash out. I am.

Oh, thank you so much.

I was actually lying when I said

-that I enjoyed doing it. -[chuckles]

Even though I've put in enough hours to be an expert on it now.

[gasps] You started Outliers?

Yeah. That new book? Yeah.

Oh, my God. No way. You guys, tell me more.

-Really? -Really? -No, I'm just practicing

holding a conversation with a bunch of boring sixes

for my high school reunion later.

Bye.

Bye. A six?

If we're averaging a six, she thinks I'm a three.

All right, he splatter-painted the hood of the Taurus

ten minutes ago, so he's got to be in there.

-You remember the plan? -10-4.

I flush him out, and you flank him from the side.

Classic tank and flank.

VIC: Cheers. Huh.

What's that shiny little piece of foil?

I'm gonna go check it out.

Okay.

Are those buttons, trailing from the tree?

Vic, it's a trap! It's a trap!

-Oh, God! -[crow cawing]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org