Original subtitles

All right, we'll see that you do. Get back to me.

Yeah, Bill.

Oh, Bill, come on now, goddammit. I want that stuff on my desk tomorrow. Now, a

deadline is a fucking deadline.

Tomorrow, Bill. Tomorrow!

Yeah,

what is it?

Didn't I say 11 o 'clock?

All right, send her in.

You did say 10 o 'clock.

Well, I must have. You're here, aren't you?

Won't you have a seat?

Thank you.

So, any trouble finding the place?

Oh, no, not at all. I've lived in this fair city far too long to get lost.

I see by your resume here that you have some writing experience.

Are you aware of what this job entails?

It's the new Dear Candy column, isn't it? I gather that it entails answering

letters to that column, much like Dear Abby.

Yeah, Dear Abby. Well, I'm afraid she'd probably line her birdcage with the

letters that we get here.

They're pretty graphic.

Sex problems, mostly.

Conventional and unconventional.

Now, all you have to do is read them over and make a sympathetic response.

Now, the girls we've had here before...

Their responses were either too cynical, too sarcastic, or just plain too

cutesy. Now, do you think that you can strike a happy medium, Miss Monet?

Where's my office and where's my pen, Mr. Taylor?

Here we are.

Welcome to your new job.

A year of cleaning and you'll be ready to start.

Oh, it's not that bad. I've seen worse.

What, were you in the Army?

Mr. Taylor, New York is on too.

Oh, great.

Oh, go ahead. I'll be fine. You sure?

Mm -hmm.

I bet you'll have a couple letters read and answered by 5 o 'clock. I bet you

don't find the typewriter by then.

Dear

Candy,

I'm a 20 -year -old male who has a real tough time meeting girls.

In a cocktail lounge or at a party or anything like that, I'm very intimidated

by them.

I'm okay if they break the ice, but then at the end of the conversation I never

ask for their number or if I can see them again.

I guess it comes right down to fear of rejection.

Anyway, I'm writing to say that an ad in your magazine changed all that.

It was the ad about...

Oh, hi, Mom.

Oh, fine, fine.

Everything's going... Huh?

Oh, that's fine, too.

Huh?

Oh, you're coming home Wednesday.

Okay, let me write that down.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, I got it.

Okay. I'll see you then.

Bye -bye.

Tie me, spank me, take me over your knee.

Alicia, always ready to please.

Alicia? Yes, um... I'm calling about the ad.

What's your name?

Uh, Tim.

Where do you live, Tim?

My address?

154 Circle Avenue.

I'll see you in 20 minutes.

Wait a minute, wait, uh...

Hi. Hi.

You're? Alicia. Alicia.

Yeah, hi.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I want in.

This is my room.

It's nice.

So are you.

Tim, have you ever been with anyone like me before?

Not quite.

What made you call me?

Don't be nervous.

I won't bite you.

Unless you want me to.

What

were you

doing tonight before I came over?

Sam. Hello.

Will you tell me if you dislike any of it?

Do you like what this is?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you like it?

Oh, yeah.

What about when I do this?

Uh -huh.

Tim, why don't you take your clothes off?

Tim, we can't do anything if you keep your clothes on.

Look, I don't know about this. My parents are out of town, and I don't

they won't be back for another week.

I'll make you forget all about your parents.

Oh, no.

Be back.

Wait, I thought I heard somebody drive up. No.

I think the door's locked.

Nice. I have a nice body.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

. .

.

Oh.

Thank you.

We never discussed... Money?

Yeah.

Well, I had such a good time.

This one's on the house.

All right.

I'm so glad that we could help you.

It must be nice to be able to fulfill your every wish and fantasy and the

privacy and comfort.

Of your own home.

Loving kisses, Candy.

Dear Candy, I don't want to tell you my name for reasons I'm sure you'll

understand.

I frequently have sex with my mother.

She was quite young when she had me.

Tommy, listen, I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep now.

Okay, Mom.

Good night.

Good night.

keep a lady waiting.

Pop Shot wins the event. All right? Take it away, Mickey.

Honey, what are you doing here?

I didn't... I don't... I know you're better looking than your father.

There you go.

Hello?

Yeah, he's here. Hold on.

Hello,

Ralphie. How you doing? How's the weather back there?

Listen, I know why you called, and honestly, I... Yeah, sure, I hired her,

-huh.

You don't say. You're kidding.

That's great, Ralphie. That's great news, buddy. All right, listen, my

to whoever you're sleeping with, too. Okay.

What was that for?

They love you. You're making magic.

Who loves me, New York?

Stugatz, New York. The people, the readers, the little people, the general

public, that's who loves you. Whatever you're doing, keep it up.

Dear Candy, my name's Nancy, and I'm probably a little young to be writing to

your magazine.

My boyfriend and I went up to his parents' cabin one weekend when they

of town.

Thank you.

God, Rick, this is really beautiful.

You're beautiful yourself.

Thank you.

So why don't you come over here?

That's to you and this weekend.

Thank you.

I hope we have a good time.

Sure we will.

Do you want to play a little game?

Sure.

Okay, first I'll take a sip of my wine and undo a button.

And then you take a sip of your wine and undo a button.

Okay? Okay, you first.

Okay, here I go.

But I'm going to undo one of your buttons, okay?

Okay, now you take a sip and you have to unbutton one of mine.

I'll have to take a sip and unbutton another one of yours.

What is this leading to?

Well, I'll show you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Wow.

oh oh

Oh, God.

Your boyfriend gets so into it that it seems infectious even to me.

P .S.

Sounds like you also get to drink some superior wine in the process.

Love and kisses.

Candy, how are you?

I wrote to you once before, but the letter wasn't run in your magazine.

I'm from out of state.

Montana, to be exact.

I frequently am in your city on business.

I have a best friend who lives there with his wife.

I've known this guy for years. Well, the army, you know.

Anyway, the last time I was in town, I dropped by.

He was out of town himself, but his wife was very happy.

suitable.

What are you doing here?

I saw you watching me in the hot tub.

But you're my best friend's wife.

So?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll answer that one in the morning.

Okay.

Dear Candy, I'm writing to tell you...

of a love at first sight.

Here's your coffee, Miss Money.

My thanks, Jimmy.

Mr. Taylor sent it in for you.

Dear

Candy,

I'm writing anonymously to you about a problem my girlfriend and I shared.

Neither of us could get off together.

I used to get off watching her masturbate, but she didn't.

Until one day we realized that a sound banking brought her to orgasm.

Thank you.

Oh, Michael, you know how much I love to be thanked.

Pam, bring me so much pleasure.

Make me harder.

Harder.

Ugh.

Ugh.

on company stationery.

Dear Candy, I'm writing to tell you of a love at first sight.

There's a young girl who works for me at the magazine which I edit.

I was smitten by her from the day I interviewed her for the job.

I can't get up the nerve to express my feelings verbally, but there will be a

limo outside of Petum Magazine waiting to whisk her to my private domain where

I'd love to express myself verbally and then some.

So that's why it's easier in print.

I think I've always been better at expressing myself on paper than I have

conversation.

Would you like some more wine?

Please.

You know, I think that's why I'm a writer.

Some things are just more easily written than said.

Right.

Well, we've been here, uh... Long enough, I think, to express ourselves

about as best that we could.

What do you say we try to do it physically?

You bet.

I'll save me time at the office answering your letter.

Why don't you take your clothes off?

I think I have something underneath that you'll like.

Oh, yeah, it's very

beautiful.