Original subtitles

This is soap opera land, and I'm the queen.

Boy, boy, boy.

Let's do it.

Don't you know how to rock?

But I'm such a rock.

I offer you something sweet.

Please, doctor, I'll do anything.

So, um, any hot, soft sex in Chicago?

Yeah, I mean, it's right around the corner, and, uh, we're counting on you,

Patty.

Oh, fucker.

Yeah.

Well,

I figured that because I'm a really great Hollywood star.

What are you talking about?

Socks.

Moshari, you know how important to me you are, don't you?

May we?

Why do I have to be here with these degenerates? Please, Jean -Claude.

Let's just try to be civil, can't we?

Whatever for you, Shelly.

And you.

My massive hunk of burning love.

You know how special the time we spend together is, don't you?

You know how special you are.

Not now.

I have something important to discuss with all of you.

Yeah, well, uh... While we're stuck here...

Might as well make the best of it. That sounds like a good idea. Give me that.

Share? Great.

I have something important to discuss with you three, and you think that

your senses is the way to go. Well, that's just fine.

I've dealt with children before, and that's exactly why I've called you all

today.

What are you talking about?

Sock is blue.

I'm pregnant.

I don't know which one of you is.

I hope I'm not late.

Uh, do I know you?

Cricket. Cricket Fields.

The new intern from the studio.

Oh, oh, okay. Yeah.

So, uh, what are you having?

Well, that depends on what you were expecting.

Well, see what you got.

Wow, these are great shots.

He's such a fantastic guy.

I've never seen latex lit that way before.

It's incredible.

Have you ever loved somebody so much that their smell,

the way that they smile?

The way that their skin feels.

Did you relive every single experience?

Have you ever?

Don't be late tonight because we have dinner at Gibson's, 8 o 'clock, okay?

I've got to take off. My cell phone's on if you need me.

Matthew, do you want me to be?

Maybe if you walk?

Let's see.

I couldn't buy it on the internet.

Look how such pretty hair.

Congratulations. That was great.

Thank you. Sure.

Way to go.

Clarice, John, excuse me, won't you? That was absolutely wonderful. It always

amazes me how you can take the most banal dialogue and actually make it

Well, you know, I would be nothing without my wife.

This reminds me, the Emmys are right around the corner, and we're counting on

you to finally pull through for us.

Joan, I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen.

With your help, of course.

Now, if you'll excuse me. Of course, darling.

Well, that was lovely what you're doing with the net thing there. Okay,

everybody, I think it was absolutely super. You're doing a terrific job.

Same time tomorrow, yeah?

Excuse me.

Hello, Clarice. I was having an old friend for dinner, but they cancelled.

Oh,

got your own left in here.

It's all with me.

So, are you ready for our game?

I'm always ready for our game.

Red or black?

Darling, you know I look best in black.

So, you think I'm ever going to win an Emmy?

Maybe 19 will be your lucky number.

Aren't there 20 guys in a football team?

In that last week's episode, you should know.

Touché.

So admit it, you're going to miss me when I'm gone.

Yeah.

Me and the rest of the cast. At least the ones you haven't killed off.

Ouch!

It's all in the name of artistic integrity.

Clarice, you are such a slut.

I am not.

I'm just drawn that way.

Take it off.

Again.

You're only going to be gone a week.

So, um, any hot prospects in Chicago?

I will be visiting with childhood friends.

They're friends, okay?

Yeah, and someday monkeys will fly out of your ass.

Are you implying I have a big ass?

Not as big as your bank account, darling.

Take it off.

Okay.

So... When are we going to fuck?

As soon as you stop throwing everything that moves... Then we'll talk.

All we ever do is talk.

I'm serious, Clarice.

When you come over to my house, the damn fish stop swimming.

I don't get it. You know, you screw everything that moves.

They're ready for you on set.

Thank you, Sal. I'll be right there.

Well, I guess our game is over.

I suppose your co -stars are more important than I am.

But have a wonderful time in Chicago.

And don't do anyone I wouldn't do.

And remember what I said.

Sure. Now you want to be my girlfriend and my parents, too?

Mm -hmm.

I'm going to miss you when I'm gone.

I'm going to miss you, Bubba Lou.

I will.

Be good.

Let's do it.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Talk to my mother. I want it now.

Don't you forget it.

As a matter of fact, I hope all of you have a great memory.

Because after tonight, that's all you'll be is a memory.

What are you talking about?

This is soap opera land, and I'm the queen.

So, whatever I say goes.

So you're gone.

Thank you.

Chicago. Some old friends are getting hitched.

Now, let me take a look at your x -ray.

They tell by the x -rays that you have a deep root canal.

I'm just going to give you a shot of some lidocaine to numb the area.

I'm afraid of needles.

Well, I have some nitrous oxide, but I only use it in extreme cases.

Please, doctor, I'll do anything.

Just please don't give me a shot.

Okay.

So, when was the last time you saw a dentist?

It's been a really long time, but I've been told I have a really great mouth.

I'm going to take a look inside.

I want you to open wide.

Now, I meant your mouth.

Sorry, I guess I'm just a bad girl.

Okay. All right.

Are you ready for the gas?

Let her rip.

Okay. I want you to hold this.

I want you to relax and breathe deeply.

Thank you. You're welcome.

He's working right.

Give me that.

Okay.

She's gonna fix the chair.

Silver pair, man.

Can you move your leg?

Thank you.

Don't mind me.

Doing my job.

Mr. DeYoung, how about you? Would you like a beverage?

Okay. Enjoy your flight.

May I have your attention, please?

Our in -flight feature will now begin.

As a courtesy to others, may we please suggest you close your window shades?

Excuse me. Hi.

Would you like to cop a feel?

I'd love to.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Bijou. The captain has illuminated the safety restraint

sign. Oh, um... Could you help me, please? Of course. Thank you.

Excuse me. Is this the masturbatory flight?

Oh, why, yes, it is.

Thank you for asking, ma 'am. Thank you.

Your rent?

Yes.

Make sure everything is tight and restrained. Yes, it must be restrained.

Thank you, ma 'am. You're welcome.

Oh, some cock, Miss Bijou?

Oh, yes, I'd love some.

Yeah. Excuse me, Miss Bijou.

What, what?

Oh, yes, I would love one.

Thank you.

Could you help me with this as well, please?

Oh.

Do you mind?

No, go right ahead. Thank you.

Oh that's perfect.

I see.

Orgasming. It's making me ravenous to have something to eat. Of course. I'll

come back with the meat.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss B. How do you like your meat? Light?

Dark? Rough?

I think I'd like the dark meat, please.

Of course. I'll be right with you. Thank you.

I think... Excuse me.

I want to be ready.

Are

you

ready for your main course?

Yes, I am.

Oh.

Uh -huh.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss Bijou. Could you please fasten your seatbelt? We are

experiencing a little turbulence.

Yes. Thank you.

Nice flight, don't you think?

Yeah, it's a nice flight.

I could do that because I'm a really big Hollywood star.

Oh, boy.

Ooh, can I touch you?

Hey, the line forms to the left, buddy.

So, Claire, I bet that you had some fabulous Hollywood designer. Would you

something extra special for the wedding? Well, anything I wear will pale

compared to that.

Hey,

I thought we had a moratorium on that name. You'll always be Claire to me. Can

have some of that?

Thanks for the nuts. You trying to get back at me for that day in the park?

Which one? There were so many.

God, those were the days.

You know, I really loved it back then.

Water balloons are still my ultimate favorite.

Oh, I'm getting wet already.

What's the name of that soap opera you're in?

The Ways of Our Wives, of course. You should be my biggest fan.

It's true, it's true. I should be a fan. But it's Wabbit season and I'm very

busy.

Okay.

Hey, do you guys remember Professor Gingrich from Philosophy City Class? I

too. He made a pass at me once. No, didn't he make a pass at you, too?

Dolly, can we get a couple more rounds of tequila shooters over here?

I know how to get Dolly moving.

Pretty please.

Well, if you put it that way, I'll be right back.

Yeah, didn't he hit on you, too? Because everybody hits on Dolly.

Excuse me, please.

What do you know?

Herb Ritz hit on me once when I was in college.

Who the hell cares?

Here we go. Oh, thank God.

Dr.

Charlie, he's a nice lady.

There you go, Dolly. Thank you.

Hi, Eddie.

Hi. How you doing?

I was wondering... Do you...

Do you feel like your cock sucked?

Yeah. You remember the way I like to suck it?

Yeah.

Would you like me to suck it now?

Yeah. I'd like to see it slide in and out of my lips.

Yeah. Yes, I know.

I could leave right now if you don't want me to suck your cock.

Okay?

You sure?

You want your cock in my mouth?

Yeah.

There's something in here for me I

think

I like

Oh yes, oh yes.

You know you have to ask for it.

Oh yes.

I just like the other half.

sleep to me.

Yes, I know.

Trevor. Spending nights and nights on the floor.

How you guys doing?

I'm going to

take

us home.

Yeah.

Come on, babe. Claire's back.

You look like shit. You look like fucking crap.

Did you swear?

I'm coming.

Let's go home.

Come on, Patty.

You all right?

Come on.

This place is bigger than I remember when we came in.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We're there.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's 503.

503, yeah.

You can drop by any time.

Just what were you thinking taking off with Eddie last night?

Yeah, Clara, what the fuck do you see in that loser anyway?

His dick, as usual.

Yeah, apparently that's all there is.

Oh, be nice.

Oh, by the way, Jane took off a couple of days ago to help out with an alien ex

-girlfriend. How come you didn't go with her?

Is the wedding that important to you?

Well, yeah, it is that important.

Or maybe it's the company.

Or maybe it's that I wasn't invited.

Anyway, the break will do us some good.

But why don't you two come over and we can all hang out at my place?

Well, I've got a massage scheduled this afternoon.

I think your offer sounds much more tempting. How does 3 o 'clock sound?

Perfect. Jeez, Clarice. Must be tough being you.

You know how it is.

I've got to go see my folks. I'm going to take them out for a late lunch.

I've got to call the office.

I'll catch up with you guys in the early evening.

Isn't it strange how it took a wedding to get all of us back together again?

Anyways, Claire, I'll see you at 3 and Charlie, and I'll see you when I see

Great. I'll see you guys later.

I'll be there with Dalton.

I knew you were coming, so I baked you a cupcake.

The champagne is on the top shelf, just like always. Make yourself comfortable.

I'm in the back.

Slowly. Put the razor down.

Everything's going to be just fine.

I'll pay for your cooking lessons, and before you know it, you'll be baking

cakes.

You're fucking hilarious.

Don't you know how to knock?

But I'm special.

And besides, you know you left that door open on purpose.

Uh -huh.

Well, are you just gonna sit there, or do I need to show you how to save your

legs, too?

I'm shivering.

Are you cold?

No, I'm just a little bit nervous.

You don't seem very nervous, baby.

Claire, I've always wanted you like this.

I don't ever think about it.

How come you never told me this before?

Well, I chose our friendship over possible rejection.

I mean, I figured I could use my imagination as long as I had you in my

I watch your show every day on TV.

I've gone through so many secrets you wouldn't believe. One time, Janie caught

me and... I'm just as nervous as you are.

Now I'm cold

Good.

You're wet.

I'm wet?

You're wet.

How do you think I got wet?

You're wet.

Are you saving it for me?

I love you.

Many, many years.

This morning?

Well, thanks.

Yeah. God,

you've got a nice pussy. I'm glad you like it. I can't imagine it would be.

I want you to taste it.

You want me to taste it? I want you to taste it. You like it?

You're such a nutty thing. I know, I'm sorry.

Not really.

You're very close.

Do it for another hour or two and you'll find me.

I'll do it forever. I don't want you to ever stop.

Yeah. It's taking me.

It's taking me.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Gracias.

Especially earlier.

I didn't want to say this because I thought it might hurt your feelings.

But you smelled like the naftiest cracker that had just come off.

Bitch.

That's so mean.

So what now, Claire?

I mean, I want to be with you.

I love you too, Patty.

With all my heart.

I love you both.

No, no, seriously.

I love both you and Charlie.

I want to be with both of you.

If that's what you want, I guess we'll make it work.

Does Charlie know how you feel?

Not yet.

But he will soon enough.

I let myself in.

What's going on in here?

Oh, we're just relaxing.

Come on in.

Hi.

Aren't you going to get that?

I'm screaming.

Jane and Patty aren't here.

Leave a message and we'll get back to you.

Patty, it's Janie. Pick up.

All right, look, I'm at Gina's place. I really need to talk to you. It's

serious.

Call me when you get this.

Well, I guess I'm going to go call her back.

May I have this dance?

Why, sir, I'd be delighted.

You're going to dance? You have to wiggle.

I've never seen you like that.

Like it?

Thank you.

Bye.

Cheers.

You always know the right things to say.

Everything's going to be okay. Of course it will.

If either of you know any just cause why you may not be lawfully joined together

in matrimony, you do now confess it.

It is then your will to proceed.

Please join hands.

Do you, Charles, take Clarice to be your lawful wife?

Do you promise before these witnesses to love her, comfort her, honor and keep

her in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Clarice, take Charles...

to be your lawful husband.

Do you solemnly promise before these witnesses that you will love, honor, and

keep him in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Patricia,

Take Clarice to be your lawful wife.

Do you promise before these witnesses to love her, comfort her, honor and keep

her in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Clarice, take Patricia to be your lawful wife?

Do you promise before these witnesses to love her, comfort her, honor and keep

her in sickness and in health?

So long as you both shall live. I do.

I now, according to the ordinances, and in the name of the state of Illinois,

pronounce you husband and wife and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

And now the sun has gone.