Original subtitles

"I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears

"of all my life."

- (And I mean every word.)

- You two made up, then? - Yeah, thanks, Mr Chalk.

- Glad I could help.

- You've been busy, sorting out everyone's kids.

- What would I know, eh? Not being a parent myself.

- I'm dying. - I buried you a long time ago, Dad.

- Here I am. Are you surprised or...what?

- Mum! Mum. - Leave me alone!

SHE CRIES IN DISTRESS

- Mum, Mum, it's Connor. Mum...

- SMOKE ALARM

HE COUGHS

- What are you lot up to? - Suffocating!

- SMOKE ALARM CONTINUES

It's me. Why are you doing this?

I don't have that sort of money, Trevor, you know I don't!

- Everything all right, Miss? - Yeah, yeah, couldn't be better.

You just go and get your breakfast.

SMOKE ALARM STILL GOING

- Who burnt the toast?

- What's going on, love? - Nowt. I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all.

- We're starving. - Well, I can't do everything, can I?!

- Why didn't you come and get me? I could've sorted this.

- The wedding arrangements have been getting on top of us,

which is why... I've been thinking...

I want to call the wedding off!

SMOKE ALARM STOPS

- What? Why?

- Well, it's all just getting a bit too much, isn't it? Hmm?

All the organising and the planning... It's driving us all mad.

- You're not wrong. - SHUT IT!

What are you saying exactly?

- Just keep it simple, you know, small..

None of this fuss and expense.

- I thought that's what you wanted. - Not really.

- I see.

(So you don't want to marry me any more?)

- Course I do...

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Just not now. Some other time. In the holidays. Eh?

Yeah? Just keep it simple, like.

- Why didn't you say so in the first place, you daft apeth?

I've made arrangements... - Erm... So is the wedding off, then?

- Postponed. - Which means you lot can get to school! Sharpish.

- But what about breakf...? - Out!

- Something's going on.

- What are you doing? - Checking the call history.

Maggie were on the phone to someone earlier.

- Why are you even bothered?

- Cos she's in trouble, I just know it.

- Hey, you all right, Sian, you dirty stop-out? It's me again.

Madi, d'you remember Home Alone kid?

Just call me, yeah?

- OMG! Saw Mr "X" today...

Mr X!

SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES

- Oi, that's mine! Give it to me! - Sure. We don't want them...

- What d'you think you're doing?! Keep your grubby hands off my stuff!

Just leave it. Get lost! It's private!

- Out the way, ripped hunk of a man coming through. - What? Where?

- Got to look fly for my girl, Liberty, now we're an item and that.

- What? You, fly?

- Joshua, don't be like that. Just cos you're not my type.

- Oh, I'm not your type? Ah, I am gutted (!)

Is it the fact I'm a man

or the fact I'm a mentalist that you've got a problem with?

- Bit of both, to be honest? - Not any more, been signed off by my shrink.

- Serious? You're cured? - No, mate.

I've got schizophrenia. It's not something you get over.

But I don't have to see her every week so I'm as free as a bird.

First day of the rest of my life and I can't wait. My dad'll be made up.

- Still not doing it for me though.

- About time! Got a new fella, then?

- What makes you think I've got a new fella?

- Well, you've been out all night, you didn't answer my calls...

Same clothes... Must be a guy.

- Well if you must know, Miss Marple,

I went for a drink with Lorraine and then I decided to stay over.

Is that all right with you, Mumsy?

Good.

What's all this?

- Oh, it's the rest of my stuff. Guess you're stuck with me now.

- Right... - That is OK, isn't it?

- It's just... You didn't let me know these were coming.

You can't assume you can land this kind of thing on me. - But I didn't know...

- Right, OK. Look, we haven't got time to talk about it now

but we will later, OK?

- Definitely Glasgow, as long as I can get him to agree.

- Well...

..why don't you aim... a little higher?

- Oxbridge? - Mmm. - It's a bit far, isn't it?

- What's this? Auditions for The X Factor?

- University applications. - I thought the kids decided.

- They do, but we try to steer them in the right direction.

- Like cattle, you mean. - Obviously not. - Good!

Which is why today's work experience initiative will be a great opportunity.

Introduce them to my world. Though I won't be leading it. My head man's stepping in to work his magic.

- Shame they won't get to hear it directly from you (!) - They don't need to.

Good business is all about delegation.

- At least it'll give some of them an idea of the options open to them.

- Like earning money instead of getting into serious debt. - There's more to higher education than debt.

- Cold baked beans and binge-drinking spring to mind.

- Hey, Zakie, it's me.

Say thanks to Mum for the stuff will ya?

Nice touch sending them up in a couple of crummy boxes. Brilliant.

What did I do, me?

Call me, yeah?

- Cheer up, might never happen.

Mind you, back in my day I always had a face like a smacked arse too.

Not saying you've got a face like a smacked arse!

shall I just shut up?

It's just that school and me

were never really a good match, if you know what I mean.

Gives me the shivers... Feel like I'm 12 again.

- I'm surprised you can remember that far back. - Oi! It's only, what...

Yeah, fair enough. - So what are you doing here, then?

- I'm here to do some training for work experience at Lorraine's...

Miss Donnegan's call-centre.

- Wicked. Well that's us Year 13s. Lucky for us.

- We'll see.

- I would show you in but I've got to...get these inside.

- Go on, I'll give you a hand. - Nice one.

This one's a bit heavy. Can you manage? - Yeah.

- Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Uni. I just love winding Michael up.

- Don't we all?

- Sian, talk some sense, will you? Lorraine's plugging life experience over higher education.

- I couldn't agree more. I'm all for getting out into the big bad world.

- But you've been in education all your life. - Yeah, I know, and look where it's got me!

From school to Uni and back again.

Maybe I should've sucked the marrow out of life a bit more, that's all.

- What's brought all this on?

- Or rather "who".

- Er...am I missing something?

- Never you mind. You just concentrate on Josh and Oxbridge.

- Josh isn't Oxbridge material.

- I don't know. I think I'm just missing Janeece and Cheryl. - Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Do something to take your mind off them.

- Well, I was thinking of maybe, erm... fostering.

- Excellent idea.

- What, you don't think I'd make a pig's ear of it?

- Daniel...

as Tariq's so fond of saying, you need to grow a pair.

- Hey! How are the impending nuptials coming along?

- They're not, if you must know. Margaret's called it off.

We're just having a quiet do during the holidays. - Why did she change her mind?

- I think it's better not to try to fathom the depths of the female psyche, don't you?

- Cos that's so much easier than the male psyche trying to figure out what it did wrong.

- I did nothing wrong. - Apart from, as far as I can see, moan and groan and grumble and chunter

about cost, about organisation, about Maggie.

She probably thinks you don't want her. - Nothing could be further from the truth.

- Well, Professor Einstein, maybe you need to prove that.

- I'll do it today.

- Today? - Yeah. You're right.

The sooner can I sweep Margaret off her feet,

the sooner we can settle into a state of blissful married stagnation.

Don't tell her. (Best keep it as a surprise.)

- I have decided to apply for Uni. Then I'll be out of your way, too.

- Good.

Excellent.

I mean, I think that is a really positive step.

Spread your wings, get your independence.

- Meaning you want me out of your hair, right? - No.

Meaning I think it'll open up a whole new world of opportunities for you.

I went to Uni and it was the making of me. Why don't we talk about this later?

- All right. - Good.

- Inside, young lady.

- What's going on? - I couldn't wait to see you again. - Seriously. What are you doing here?

- Opening young minds to the world of work.

- Why didn't you just tell me? - I wanted to surprise you.

How about lunch? - I would love to. Yeah.

- Good, leave it with me.

- Not here. - Just try stopping me.

- Oh, now, now, you two, leave it out. Work to do, Mr Keats.

- Exploiting child labour. Can't wait. - Get in before I sack you.

Well? Come on then, how's it going?

- Yeah, it's early days but...

I think he's good for me. Thank you for introducing us.

- Hey, no problem. As long as you don't take his mind off the important stuff, like work.

Right, here we go.

Morning!

OK. So this is what the future looks like, is it?

Where is your get-up-and-go? - Got up and gone!

- There is a whole wide world out there waiting to be conquered, so who's going to do it?

Carpe diem. - It's probably easier to seize the day as a multi-millionaire though.

- So true.

- How old are you lot? 17, yeah?

OK, so by your age I'd already set up my own business,

which I started in the school playground at 14.

A bit like that one out there.

Selling mobile phone charms. No university for me.

I saw a gap in the market,

and I worked my way up from phone accessories to a fully fledged telecommunications business.

Part of that is the call-centre some of you will be working in this afternoon.

- So what are we selling then? - Nothing.

You are going to help people give.

Ray...

- Stress Less Giving is a gift-giving service.

People phone in and you help them decide what gifts to buy.

- Really? Can't wait (!)

- Good. Ray is my right-hand man. - Ow!

- Don't be fooled by the clowning around.

What Ray doesn't know about selling's not worth knowing.

- When do we start? - More like when do we finish?

- Hmm. Josh, can I have a word?

- ALL: Oooh! - Naughty, naughty.

- OK, so this morning we'll workshop some useful techniques

and this afternoon we go live for some hands-on experience.

- Wouldn't mind a bit of hands-on experience with him.

- Come on, Mads, he's here to teach. Plus he's old enough to be your dad.

- So? I like older men.

- Trust me, you're way out your depth in this one.

- Maybe...

Maybe not.

- Look, I believe in calling a spade a spade,

so tell me, is your problem the workshop, business or me?

- Just got a lot on my mind. - Like what?

- Josh is having a bit of a wobble about Uni, that's all. - I can speak for myself, thanks, Dad.

I have got a tongue in my head, you know. - OK...

Let's hear it.

- All right, well... I just want to sort my future.

I've got loads to think about, which is cool, but I'm just not sure

that spending the day in some poxy call-centre is going to help that.

- This is all a bit late in the day, Josh. - No, it isn't. Not for me.

Maybe that's just because I'm a bit slow, you know... I'm not exactly Oxbridge material, am I?

Yeah, I've got ears as well.

I heard what you said, Dad.

- Maybe I'll...leave you two to it.

- So, what, am I not good enough, is that it? - I can't believe you'd even say that.

You know I've only ever got your best interests at heart.

- Yeah, right.

- I thought you didn't want to go to university anyway. What? Suddenly it's Oxbridge.

- No, that's not the point, is it? The point is stop trying to make decisions for me.

You're breathing down my neck all the time, I can't stand it!

- You all right, Tom?

- Yeah. He's just confused.

- Well, maybe it isn't all about him. - Meaning what?

- This has got absolutely nothing to do with you not wanting him to leave home?

- I don't know what you mean.

The thought of him not being at home, it's like...losing a limb.

- Lots of fathers get used to it.

- I don't think we do.

Fathers or mothers.

I think they must just fake it.

Did you want me for something?

- No.

Actually, if I need to go out later, will you cover for me? - Yeah.

- # What's happening in my life? #

Think he's trouble? - No, I don't think so.

He's got spirit, but I like that. Someone who questions things.

Test him, yeah? See what he's made of. - Deal.

MOBILE RINGS

# Yeah, I been waiting for you

# So my fate to show

# You got to show me

# If I wasn't in any pain

# And my plans were full

# Whoa, whoa. #

- No offence, bruv, but I ain't selling something I don't believe in, right? - Good for you.

- So whatever bling you're trying to fob people off with, best be quality, yeah? - It is.

Whatever people want to buy, we point them in the right direction.

- So where does the money come from? - Oh, come on, it's not rocket science lad!

Basically, they have a database

listing stock from hundreds and hundreds of companies...

- Enough to direct people to the most competitively priced.

- ..so that even when a commission is added for them to cream off the top,

it's still cheaper than buying on the high street.

- I hope you're going to be this confident on the phones...

IF selected.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Where you all going? - Playground. It's break.

- Not in the real world, Lord Sugar.

- What's the matter, Tariq? No stamina?

- This is slave labour.

- Besides, we're about to do some role-play. - That's more like it.

- KNOCK AT THE DOOR

- Mm-hm? - It's about Maggie...

- Ms Croft to you.

- Just...we think there's a reason she cancelled the wedding.

- Oh... Well done, Einstein. - We're trying to do you a favour here.

- Is that right? By telling me it's my fault, presumably.

- No! By telling you there's someone else.

Some bloke, Trevor. Look, we've got his number.

She were on the phone to him this morning

and then she changed her mind about the wedding.

- Maybe she's going to dump you at the altar. - Get out.

- Come on, Sir! She's been wedding-mad all week

and then all of a sudden she changes her tune.

- Get out now.

- But it doesn't make sense. And who's this Trevor when he's at home?

- Get out!

Give.

Hello, my name is Budgen, Grantly Budgen. I, er...

..believe that you've been in contact with my fiance...

..Margaret Croft.

Right, I'll see you then.

- I want to buy something for... my boyfriend.

- What's he like? Is he into his wheels...

or what's his poison, you know what I mean?

Then again, what do you get a man who has everything?

- No, no, you can't flirt. - You're telling me he can't!

- Let me try.

- No, we don't want the phones to melt, now, do we?

ALL: - Ooh!

- Shut up!

- OK, fella, your turn.

You know what? I'll take this one. I could do with the practice myself.

Right, OK. I need to buy a really nice present for my mum

because I love her to bits.

- OK, and what kind of gift are you looking for? - I don't know.

She likes anything. Everything.

What do you think? What would you buy your mum?

- M-me... Er...

- OK, Josh here just lost us a sale. - What? No, I haven't.

- Yes, you have. The one waiting in line

while this mug's still making his mind up.

Don't waste time.

OK, who's next? You two, come on down.

- Everything OK, love?

- Tickety boo. Just tickety boo.

SHE CHUCKLES

Best get on.

- About the wedding...

Is there anything that you want to tell me?

I mean, sooner rather than later.

- Well, I snore a little bit, but you already know that, don't you?

- Nothing else?

- No, why?

- No matter.

I love you, Margaret Croft.

- SHE SOBS

- So, who's ready for action?

Good. And who'd rather stay here?

- Depends. What's going on with the dough?

Cos I ain't no slave, you know.

- Don't worry, if you make a sale, you get commission.

- Right, count me in. - Right, so those who are staying, get back to class.

And the rest of you, behave and have fun.

I'll see you when you get back!

See you in a few hours. All right, good luck!

Shame you're not going.

I have TWO university degrees, you know.

- Really?

- Yeah. Honorary ones.

If you get rich and make a name for yourself,

they hand them out like leaflets.

Why don't you go?

- Everyone seems to think they know what's best for me.

My dad, teachers, doctors, blah, blah, blah,...

- You know what? I've always done what I think's right for me.

Trust me, Josh, sometimes you've just got to follow your gut.

- OK.

OK, I'll do it.

- Sir...

- What? - I don't get this Othello stuff, I really don't.

I mean, is Iago supposed to be his friend or not?

- Triangles, Rhiannon, it's all about triangles.

- That's maths, isn't it?

- Love triangles. "The green-eyed monster."

See, Othello trusts his beloved

unless there is "ocular proof" to the contrary.

- Oh, you've lost me now.

- Right. Just carry on reading. I will be back presently.

- Where d'you think he's off to, then?

- There's only one way to find out.

- So are you attached, then?

HE CHUCKLES

- Depends on who's asking?

- Tariq.

- Oh, well, in that case...

- Whoa? Please!

- THEY CHUCKLE

- I'm not gay or married...

Could be attached. Does that about cover it?

- I suppose...

Hey, Zakie boy. Yeah, I'm OK.

So what is Mum playing at?

You what?

So what, she packed all my stuff off so she could move him in?

But she's only known him a few months...

- Hey, how's it going?

- Yeah, good. She's a bit of a handful, though.

- Just one of the many demanding teenagers

we have to look after here.

- Right, look here, I don't know who you are or what this is about,

but do I have a rival for Margaret's affections?

Is it pistols at dawn? Is that it?

Are you her secret beau?

- Not exactly.

I'm her husband.

- No, no, I'm fine... What do I care, anyway?

I've got to go.

I've got to go. Bye.

- Hey...

What's up? Are you OK?

- No.

Life sucks.

- Oh, that old chestnut.

You know, the trick is to pretend that it doesn't.

That's what I do. And I reckon you're like me.

So, c'mon, where's that smile, eh?

Whatever it is, from what I've seen,

you're a tough cookie, you'll come bouncing back.

- Really?

D'you think so? - I know so.

- Thanks.

- Hey! Hang on!

Let's not get carried away, uh? - What?

But I thought you liked me...

Your loss, mate!

- SHE SIGHS

We've been married for 15 years.

- I see.

Do you still love her? - Love her? Course not.

It was just a bit of fun that backfired.

We haven't seen each other in years. - Then, why are you here?

- Because I can give her something that no other man can.

My signature... on the divorce papers.

She was never bothered about getting divorced before. She is now.

For some reason.

- So sign.

- Ah...

Now, see, that's going to cost you.

- Ooh... Blackmail.

- No, no, no. Payback.

She made a fool out of me.

- Go on, then. How much do you want, leech?

- £3,000.

- I haven't got that kind of money. - So I've been told.

Shame.

Nice time of year for a wedding.

- Wait...

IF I pay, will you sign, go for good?

- Yeah.

COUGHING

- Give me an hour. - Right.

Come on, guys.

- You OK, Mads? You were dead quiet on the bus.

- Mum's moved her boyfriend Gary in. No going home now.

- Why? Don't you get on with him? Don't let 'em get to you, Mads.

You're cool at Miss Diamond's anyway, aren't you?

- So, here we are...

- What's the big deal? It's just a room with a bunch of headsets.

- Appearance isn't everything...

I think it's got a good vibe, anyway,

I like the feel of the place.

- Good. Because this is the land of opportunity.

- What do you think's going to happen to Maggie if she's already married?

And she ends up marrying Budgen?

- Prison.

- So, what are we going to do?

- YOU'RE going to have to follow Budgen.

- But what about if he sees me? - You'll think of something.

- Remember, at the end of the phone, there's someone who needs your help.

What are we selling? - All kinds of tat, by the look of it.

- No, come on, think. We're selling generosity.

Heart, soul and passion.

Let's see if we can get some calls nailed before lunch. Who's first?

TELEPHONE RINGS

- Hi! Welcome to Stress Less Giving.

My name is Liberty, what can I do for you today?

- Yo... What you needing, bro?

Perhaps I could interest you in a couple of our options...

- OK. 25th? That's a silver anniversary, right?

OK, so why don't we go with a silver theme for the bouquet?

And a nice trendy hand tie to keep things modern? Excellent.

OK?

- You've called off the manhunt, then?

- Just playing hard to get. - Let me know how that goes.

Yes. Um... Could I get your address, please?

So that's 120 Edgeware Road...

- GLASS SHATTERS

THEY CHEER

For goodness sake, Maggie, be careful, will you?

- Hey. Some of us are working our fingers to the bone here.

- Yeah, and some of us can't think straight with you crashing about...

- Do you mind if I join you?

- Course not.

- What's going on with you?

Someone here says you got off with Ray!

- Excuse me? Who the hell is saying that?

- What you looking at me for? No, no, not you, Sir.

- Someone here posted it online. - Just be quiet, will you.

- It wasn't you, was it? - As if. - You are so out of your depth.

- Back off, yeah! - I'm just saying it's a bit pervy.

What's HE want with a school girl?

- Is that true? Did he try it on with you?

- Yeah, all right... Just a little bit.

- That's well out of order.

- Cut the chat, you lot. Work to be done.

Now, I've got to love you and leave you.

Come on, this is the real world. You'll manage without your boss

for an hour or so. Besides, I've got a meeting to go to.

Don't let me down.

This is your big moment, Josh.

- He's a sleaze, Madi. I'm going to tell my dad.

- No. Don't do that. He'll just make a big deal out of it.

- Tell Miss Diamond, then.

She's mates with Donnegan. He'll get what's coming to him.

- TELEPHONES KEEP RINGING

- Me and Con haven't seen each other much recently.

So we've been texting about maybe doing something at the weekend.

- Have you, now?

Good for you.

- Yeah, and I was thinking... Do you want to join us?

- Me?

- We thought we might see a play or something.

- Why would I want to go and see a play?

- You ARE an English teacher. - Well, I know that.

But why would YOU want to do that?

HE CHUCKLES

Table for Keats, please. Thank you.

- Thank you.

- I hope you don't mind. I booked us in earlier. - Yeah, this is great,

And I'm used to the school canteen, so...

Thank you.

- There's no need, I've already ordered your favourite.

- You remembered? - And the wine. Chablis is on its way.

- Ooh, I really shouldn't, I'm teaching later, so...

Well, maybe one won't hurt.

- Is this OK?

- It's great. Thank you.

- TELEPHONE BUZZES

- It's work, I should probably get this.

Hi!

- Hey, Sian, it's me.

- 'Everything OK?'

- Sort of...

Look, I think I've really messed up. Can you come and meet me?

- I'm...I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Could we deal with it after school,

maybe when we're sorting out your stuff?

- Don't mind me, I've got all day.

- Who's that?

Where are you?

- 'Um... The canteen. - You call this a canteen?'

- Doesn't sound like you're in the canteen.

Who are you with? - Tom.

- Who's Tom? - Listen, I should really go.

- All right, OK. Cool.

- 'OK. All right. Thanks, bye-bye.'

- Right.

- I could really get used to this.

Sometimes, I feel like I've just spent my whole life in school.

- Aw, come on. You've lived. You've been married.

- Yeah, to a PE teacher.

He hardly broadened my horizons.

- Why didn't you have kids?

- He had two already.

- You still in touch with them? - Uh-huh.

What about you?

You've got a way about you.

You're vaguely presentable...

- HE CHUCKLES

Please, stop with the compliments. - How come there's no Mrs Keats?

- Timing's never been right, I guess.

But you never know.

Getting tired of living on my own.

How do you find it? - Me?

It's fine. I love it, actually, having my own space.

I guess that's why I haven't had you round yet.

- Really?

I'd settle for meeting you after work in full view of everyone.

- Deal.

- Look. I'm...

I'm sorry about earlier.

Passing on coming out with you, guys. It was good of you to ask.

- It's fine.

- You just caught me by surprise and...

Well, me and Connor...

..Well, me in particular,

have had one or two difficulties recently.

It's awkward for me.

Look, never mind.

- No, no, it's OK, I understand.

- Do you? Understand?

What is it?

- Connor told me.

- About?

- About your...

drink problem.

- I'm sorry? What drink problem? I was talking about being a single mum.

What on earth are you talking about? - But... - Is that what he said? Connor?

- Yeah. - He's talking nonsense! Complete nonsense!

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

He probably said I went and scratched his face too, didn't he?

- No, he didn't, actually.

Why? Did you? - Of course not! What do you take me for?!

- I'm not sure.

- Oi.

What do you know?

- That's fine, my pleasure. OK, bye-bye.

- You're starting to annoy me, bro.

- You OK, Madi?

- Not really. - Just ignore him, he's an idiot.

He's been on at me all morning too.

- Yeah, but at least he didn't try and stick his tongue down your throat.

- OK, team. How'd you get on?

Let's see who's on it this afternoon, shall we?

Belief and conviction, Josh, yeah?

- Nice lunch by the smell of it. - Perk of the job.

- What did you have? Mutton dressed as lamb?

- Enough of your lip, thank you. - It wasn't earlier by all accounts.

- What did you say?

- There you are this morning giving it the big I Am...

You make a move on Madi, you leave us to it, you go off boozing.

And then, you've been pressurising me all day. So what are you?

Some sort of bully? - Easy, Josh! - That's enough, OK?

- Yeah, too right it is.

If this is a professional workplace, you can shove it.

If we behaved like you at school, we'd get excluded.

- You've just made a very serious accusation. You want to take it back?

- No. Why would I? - Because it's a load of rubbish,

that's why. - Yeah, right. - Ask him. He saw what happened.

Go on, ask him! - He's right, Josh.

Madi jumped him. Not the other way round.

- Apology accepted, kid.

- You know you're making the biggest mistake of your life, don't you?

- It's only money. - I didn't mean the money.

- I know what you meant.

Hey! - Oi! - Whoa!

Hey, come back here!

- Are you all right? - No! Where's the envelope?

What did you let go of it for? - I thought you'd taken it. - No!

They've got my money. Quick, do something. Call the police!

- No, they must be your pupils. - They most certainly are not, my pupils.

Waterloo Road does not house hoodies, thank you very much!

- How can you be so sure? - Cos I know every single one of them

like the hairs on the back of my hand.

It was the local scum followed me back from the bank.

I'm going to ring 999... - To say what?

- To say that those hoodlums have taken every last penny I own.

- What will you say you were doing

back here with an envelope full of cash? - Well...

We will just have to explain.

- That's not going to sound good, is it?

It's going to sound like... - Blackmail.

And... What do I care if you get arrested?

- What about Maggie, eh? Eh?

What if it becomes public knowledge that she got married to you

while she was still married to me, eh?

That's not going to sound too good, is it?

Look, you were losing that money, anyway.

So... Let's just forget the whole thing.

- What? Call it quits. OK.

- Yeah, but I'm going to need that document back.

- HE LAUGHS

- Oh. Oh, I don't think so, no.

No, no, it ends here. Go.

- All right!

- HE MOANS

- One-nil, Grantly got you! Yes!

- Josh, listen... - Leave it.

- Hey, welcome back, guys! So, how did it go?

- Had its moments. - It was a disaster.

- A disaster. Why? What happened?

- I just flipped out. But only because he was pressurising me all day.

- I think I may have overdone it.

Which is a shame because you were, by far, the best at it.

Relaxed, natural, generous... - So, I was right, then?

- About what?

- I asked Ray to give you a tough time. Because I thought

you showed promise. - What? So he was playing me?

- Do you always jump to the wrong conclusions?

- I think you've got a future. I wanted Ray to test your mettle.

- OK, then. Sorry.

- Lorraine saw something in you. You could go far.

If you just get rid of that chip on your shoulder.

Where do you get that from anyway?

- Right, come on, you lot! Library now!

Final chance to go over your applications! Now, please, Josh.

- COUGHING

Who's there? - It's me.

- The prodigal returns.

Twice in as many weeks.

I must be ill.

I didn't think you'd darken my door again.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I miss your mum too.

What? I shouldn't miss my wife?

- You made her life hell. - You're only remembering the bad times.

- I should go. - Take it.

None of it was her fault, you know that, don't you?

She wanted to take you away with her, but I wouldn't let her.

She loved you.

We both did.

HE COUGHS

- Hello, my love.

- Grantly, but...

- It's all right. I know everything.

I met your husband.

- I wanted to tell you.

I just couldn't.

It was such a long time ago.

and I tried to pretend like it never happened.

But then we started planning the wedding

and I got back in touch with him and asked him for a divorce.

But he wouldn't. - I know, I paid him.

- But we don't have enough money...

- Fleur left me some. She'd have approved.

Are you done for the day? - Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, let's get married.

- We can't. It's... Not officially, anyway...

- Who cares about the paperwork. We can do the nuptials.

and sort out the legal stuff later.

- THEY LAUGH

- I'll talk to your doctor, organise a nurse to look after you.

- And will I see you?

I did wrong, son. - I don't want to hear it.

- I'm saying sorry.

- And I'm saying it doesn't change a thing. - You were no saint.

Take it.

- Thank you very much.

And last but not least...

How did you get on in the big bad world?

- Kind of mixed feelings about it, really. - See? That's cos you're not ready.

- Turns out maybe I was. I just didn't realise it.

- Well, never mind.

Have you got your application and personal statement done?

- I have.

But I'm not going, Dad.

- HE SIGHS

- All right.

Look, I've been thinking about it as well.

Forget Glasgow.

What about Heriot-Watt?

Look, Edinburgh's not that far... - No, no, no, I'm not going at all.

It's time for me to strike out on my own.

- Come on, Josh. Don't do this. - I've made my mind up.

- You're not well enough. - Says who?

The psychiatrist says I am.

Lorraine says I am, the only person saying otherwise is you.

- Because I'm your dad, because I know you, because I know how you work.

- But maybe that's just the problem.

You on my case, over my shoulder, all the time, worrying.

I went out today and I screwed up totally.

But that is how I'm going to learn. - What if you have a relapse?

- You can't always be there to catch me. - Why not?

- I'm 18 years old, Dad.

You're just going to have to let me go.

- TELEPHONE RINGS

- I'm a little bit busy, right now, Madi. - 'Yeah. Been busy all day, haven't you?'

- I am allowed to have a life outside of the school, thank you.

- 'So I'm supposed to get all this stuff home on the bus?'

- I'll give you some money and I'll help you load it into a taxi, OK?

All right.

- You should probably have this.

SHE SIGHS

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

- Ladies and gentlemen,

raise your glasses high for Grantly and Maggie.

- ALL: Grantly and Maggie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Hi.

- Here comes trouble.

- I just wanted to say sorry for what happened earlier.

What I did was...stupid.

- So we agree on something, then. - Uh-huh.

Can we at least be friends?

- Yeah, whatever, I'm leaving in a minute, anyway.

- Can you help me with my boxes before you go?

- Really? - No funny business, honest.

- I'm waiting for someone, sorry.

- OK, I'll do it by myself.

- OK, hang on, hang on.

- Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt wi' the sun.

And I will luve thee still, my dear, While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only luve,

And fare thee weel, a while!

And I will come again, my luve,

Tho' it were ten thousand mile.

- OK, how do you want to do this? One at a time? - Uh-huh.

Careful, will you? - Sorry.

- Look what you've done.

- What is all this stuff, anyway?

- Everything I own.

My life packed up.

My mum wanted rid of it.

And me.

- I'm sure that's not true. - Oh, it is.

She's disowned me, practically.

- I'm sorry. - That's why I acted up earlier.

I was just feeling like crap, I guess.

- I get that.

- I don't know.

I just feel like everyone hates me.

- They don't.

I don't.

- What the hell is going on?

- You're the teacher. You work it out.

- She asked me to help with her stuff, I didn't know she would kiss me.

SHE kissed ME.

- Didn't look like you were putting up much of a fight.

- Ray, this is my stepmum.

- You said you lived alone.

- Yeah, why would you say that? Are you ashamed of me or something?

- You knew I was coming.

Did you know about me and him?

Get out of my sight.

- But what about this lot...? - I don't care. Get out.

- She came on to me.

- And you were powerless to resist?

She's a schoolgirl and you're a grown man,

you're supposed to know better. You didn't even think about me.

- It was a mistake! - A mistake.

I'm not some teenager that you can sweet talk.

- Sian, look... - This is over.

- Listen, Josh, I've got a proposition for you.

I've got a call centre in Manchester...

- No more gift-giving, please. - No, this one sells computer apps,

should be right up your street. You can start next week, if you like.

- Are you serious? - I never joke about business.

- Today just gets better and better.

- You all right, Josh? You having a good time, are you?

- Yeah, I'm fine. What's up, Madi?

- Everyone's there for you, aren't they, Josh?

Your dad, the teachers... What about me? - Madi?

- WHAT DO YOU CARE?!

NO-ONE BOTHERS ABOUT ME, DO THEY?!

NO-ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME, DO THEY?!

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU ALL!

- SHE SCREAMS

GLASS SHATTERS

- Call me as quick as you can. It's Madi.

- What, are you going to have another go at me?

- I've got every right. I've just spoken to your mother.

She told me that something went on between you and her boyfriend.

Do you care to explain?

Madi, I should have known about that before I let you live with me.

- So you could have said no? - Yes, I would have, if I'd known you had issues.

Who are you trying to get back at - me or your mum?

Have you any idea how dysfunctional it is to try and use sex to get your own back on someone?

- It wasn't like that... - Ray shouldn't have taken advantage of you.

But you shouldn't have put yourself out there. - Why does everyone always blame it on me?!

- I am not blaming you. I'm just saying...

- You're exactly like my mum!

First, she goes ballistic, kicks me out, moves him in.

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!

- I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER, MADI, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE!

- I don't want to move out. - You've got a bloody funny way of showing it.

- SHE SOBS

- Why didn't you tell Ray about me?

- Because...I didn't want to scare him off.

- Thanks. - Is that what this is about?

- I just don't want to lose everyone.

- Madi...

I can't promise you anything, I can't.

But we can take it one step at a time, if you want to.

- Psst!

- So you didn't abscond to the Costa del Crime, then.

- We thought about it. - Well, I'll count it, you know.

- No, I will.

- What are you going to do with it?

- Put it back in your account. It was Fleur's money, wasn't it?

- And she wouldn't want it rotting in an account.

So, if you don't mind, I will book us a honeymoon with it.

- A honeymoon? - Mmm. Always fancied Venice myself.

And I've taken the liberty of discussing it with Michael,

and he says we can abandon ship during the school hols.

Loath as I am to countenance physical aggression and violence...

Nice one.

- THEY CHUCKLE

Madi OK?

- Time will tell, I guess.

Can you not set me up with any more sleaze balls, please?

He let Madi make a move on him.

- Really? I'll have a word.

- Get rid. I did.

- Hang in there, yeah?

- Yeah, enjoy it. - Come one, you.

- So...

Manchester, then?

- It'll be the dogs, Dad.

- Have that in writing, can I?

- Thanks for sticking with me, through all the crap.

- Any time, son.

- I'll make you proud, Dad.

- You already have.

- This competition's about unlocking the potential in every pupil.

- What's this, what's this? - Miss, we all got A's.

- Keep THAT out of my business.

- Mum gets the results from the doctors today.

- Alcoholics aren't known for doing what the doctor says.

- I want to lodge a complaint.

- That won't be necessary, Christine.

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