Original subtitles

I've got it!

I got it!

I got it, Herman.

Hello?

Who?

Herman Munster? Yes, he's in.

But he's out right now.

Wait just a minute. I'll get him. Hold on.

Herman. Hey, it's for you. Long distance.

Dumb old doorknob.

Hello?

What? Germany calling?

Yes, this is Herman Munster.

Who?

Dr. Frankenstein? Dr. Frankenstein?

He's been dead since 1832, but take the call anyway.

Hello?

Mr. Munster, this is Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV.

I believe you were acquainted with my great-grandpapa...

the original Dr. Frankenstein.

Acquainted? He made me what I am today.

I'm leaving for the United States tomorrow...

and I rather thought of looking you up.

You want to see me?

I'm bringing with me something...

that I think will be of more than passing interest to you.

Goodbye.

Johann, calm down.

Johann, do calm down.

I want you to be on your best behavior...

when you meet your American cousin tomorrow.

Herman, why didn't you tell Lily about that phone call the other night...

you got from Dr. Frankenstein IV?

You see, he called me again this morning.

He's in town...

and he doesn't want me to discuss his visit with anyone until he sees me.

He says it's a matter of great importance.

Well, if you ask me, I think it's a touch. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop by his hotel on my way to work.

Eddie, you take those curlers off your ears this minute.

Nobody's going to notice me with just plain pointed ears.

Can't I curl them just a little?

No, you can't. Eddie, your mother is right.

We don't want any child of ours going to school and being stared at.

Boy!

Well, goodbye, dear.

I'm off to the parlor. Bye-bye.

Herman, just a minute.

Herman, I want you to ask Mr. Gateman to let you off early Friday.

What's up?

Don't you remember? We're going away for the weekend to Happy Valley Lodge...

just the two of us.

And the weatherman has promised thunderstorms and lightning.

It'll be just like a second honeymoon.

Johann, how many times do I have to tell you?

This is a very respectable hotel. We do not eat the furniture.

Go back into your closet.

Back!

Stop that pounding.

If you don't behave, I shall take your brain out and put it in backwards.

Now, you stay quiet in there while I answer the door.

Mr. Munster.

Dr. Frankenstein, I presume?

Do come in. Thank you. Thank you very much.

You know, you look a lot like your great-grandfather.

He was quite a man.

You just don't find those old country doctors anymore.

Mr. Munster, I will come straight to the point.

I have brought with me something that I think you would like to have a look at.

But you must be careful not to mention it for reasons that will become obvious.

I hope it's something my wife wouldn't mind me looking at.

Mr. Munster, prepare yourself.

Mr. Munster, meet Johann.

Doc, is it safe?

Oh, yes, I have him absolutely under my thumb.

Back into the closet. Back!

Well, what do you think of Johann?

Well, he's quite handsome, but he certainly isn't much on small talk.

I suppose you're wondering how I ran into him.

I am slightly puzzled. I mean, faces like mine don't grow on trees.

Please sit down. Thank you.

Before my grandfather perfected you, if you'll pardon the expression...

he had one or two near misses.

Is that so?

Yes. Johann is one of the rejects.

He was discovered about six months ago...

living in the woods on the old ancestral Frankenstein estate in Germany.

He'd managed to survive since 1815.

He was terribly uncivilized...

running about the countryside, frightening young maidens...

and terrifying the populace.

Well, I did a little of that myself before I got married.

You know, Mr. Munster, you have been polished by civilization.

But I'm afraid our friend Johann...

needs some of the rough edges knocked off him.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to go in the closet and work him over.

No. I want you to take him home...

and expose him to some of the refinements

and niceties of life that you have achieved.

But I would like to keep the experiment quiet.

For instance, I wish you wouldn't blab about it in front of your wife.

I won't say a thing.

I'll stick the old boy down in the dungeon...

and slop some of my charm on him in secret.

Good.

Johann.

Johann, you will come out now.

You will behave yourself and you will go with this nice man.

Gee, what happened to him?

I sometimes use a little mental telepathy, a sort of mild hypnosis.

But you must watch him, it won't last.

We'll get along fine.

Come along, Johann, we're going bye-bye.

Herman, you'd better calm him down...

before I bang him on the nose and spoil his good looks.

Please.

Johann, you will calm down.

You will calm down.

You will now behave.

We will now continue with our reading lesson.

"Look, look, look. See John run.

"Look and see John run. Run, run, run."

Now you try it.

Oh, very good.

You see, he's pronouncing his consonants much better now.

Yeah? He ain't exactly ready for the Harvard debating team.

He's taking to civilization very nicely.

And I think my jacket on him gives him a certain savoir-faire.

It's right off the rack at the Salvation Army.

Golly, it's 1:05.

I promised Dr. Frankenstein I'd drop over and give him a report on Johann.

Will you carry on till I get back, Grandpa? Okay, Herman.

Now, Johann, we shall continue the lesson.

Herman! Hmm?

I want to know what you've been doing down in that dungeon the past few days.

And what were those grunts and groans?

What I've been doing down in the...

I've had a sore throat.

And Grandpa fixed me up some cough syrup.

Yeah, that's right, he fixed me up some cough syrup and I've been gargling.

Herman, where are you going now?

I have an appointment with the doctor.

That's right. That's who I'm going to see, the doctor.

All right, Herman. But be sure and come home early.

Remember, we're going away for the weekend.

Yes, dear.

Come and help me pack.

"Run, run, run.

"Run, run..."

Forget it.

I'm going to go upstairs and watch Life Can Be Wonderful on television.

Hang around, I'll be right back.

And that concludes another episode of...

Life Can Be Wonderful.

Two divorces, a broken home, a bus accident...

and three suicides.

Nothing interesting ever happens on that show anymore.

I think I'll look in the icebox, see if we have any chopped lizard livers.

Now for cartoon time.

♪♪

There you are, Herman. You're back already.

What are you doing there watching television?

As you know, we're going away for the weekend.

My, aren't we in a grumpy mood.

Oh, dear. Your laryngitis is worse.

Didn't the doctor do anything for it?

Come along, dear. Come on. You can rest in the car on the way.

I'll drive.

Come along.

Come on, Herman, I know that's your favorite program...

but we really have to get going.

Well, have a nice time. Where are you going?

Aunt Lily and Uncle Herman are going to Happy Valley.

We'll be back Monday.

So long. Don't worry about a thing and have a nice weekend.

Bye now.

And then I said to the travel agent...

"Make sure you get us reservations in a very nice place...

"because if there's anything we can't stand, it's weird people."

And so he suggested Happy Valley Lodge.

And I told him that we wanted everything just right.

'Cause we were considering this weekend a sort of a...

second honeymoon, and then...

Herman, what's the matter?

Stop mumbling, for heaven's sakes, and say something.

Run, run, run.

Look, look, look.

All right, dear. If your throat's that sore, forget it.

Hi, everybody, I'm home.

Anybody here?

Hey.

Hmm?

Hey. What do you think you're doing?

Don't grunt at me, you miserable creep!

Burn! Burn! Grandpa.

Burn!

Grandpa! What's the matter with you?

That's no way for a self-respecting Republican to act.

Herman, it's you!

Of course it's me.

So it is.

You know, I kind of thought you'd came a long way from, "Run, run, run."

I get it. You thought I was Johann.

By the way, where is Johann?

Herman, I've got something to tell you and I think you better sit down.

I don't want to sit down. Where is Johann?

Johann has gone off for the weekend with your wife, Lily.

Well, that's no reason to sit down...

just because Johann has gone off for the weekend with my...

With my...

That dumb old Dr. Frankenstein!

I'll kill him!

I'll kill him! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Hello, operator!

Emergency!

What? Oh, just a minute.

Where are we calling, Grandpa? The Happy Valley Lodge.

The emergency's about to happen at the Happy Valley Lodge!

Do I know the area code?

I don't even know my own name and you're asking me for details.

What?

Now what's the matter? The operator told me to put my daddy on.

Hello? Listen.

We want to call the Happy Valley Lodge...

area code 416...

person-to-person, Mrs. Lily Munster.

That rotten old Johann, running off with my wife.

On top of everything else he took my new fishing pole with him.

What?

What is it? Tone it down, please.

I'm sorry, operator. Would you please speak a little louder?

Please, Herman.

Speak a little louder. My stupid son-in-law is banging his head on the wall.

Doesn't everything look wonderful?

A romantic dinner for two.

Herman, you light the candles.

That's right, dear. Save your voice, but light the candles.

Herman.

Come on, Hermie. Come out of there so we can have a romantic evening.

They're ringing it now.

Give me the phone. All right.

Aren't they yummy?

Yummy. Yummy.

Run, run, run.

Herman, I've never seen you act this coy before.

Silly.

Hello?

Hello, Lily? This is Herman.

Herman...

It can't be you on the phone because you're here in the closet.

She says I'm in the closet.

In the closet? Give me that phone, you big boob.

Hello. Lily Munster, this is your father.

Now, hear this.

Grandpa, is this some kind of joke?

A joke?

Yes, calling up here and imitating Herman.

No. That was Herman's voice. You see, he's right here.

Very funny, Grandpa. But Herman is right here with me.

And I don't want you bothering me anymore with your silly jokes.

Poopsie, you can come out now.

Run, run, run.

Play, play, play.

Just fancy that.

You mean to say that Johann is rendezvousing at Happy Valley Lodge...

with your wife?

That's right.

And I don't think it's what you English guys call cricket.

You know, we agreed to smooth out the rough edges, but this is ridiculous.

Perhaps I could resort to long-distance hypnotism.

I've had some success with Johann in the past.

Johann. Johann.

I'm calling you. I'm calling you.

The area code's 416.

Yes, thank you very much.

Johann. Johann.

These will help your laryngitis, dear.

Herman.

What's the matter, Herman?

What's come over you? I always thought you liked grapes.

I am calling you.

Johann, come to me. Come to me.

Do you think you're getting through to him?

I'm sorry, chaps, I seem to have botched it.

I'm afraid I don't have the flair for this sort of thing that my great-grandpapa had.

Jolly good effort, Johann! You returned.

Ask about my fishing pole.

Herman Munster, you come back here.

How dare you run out on me?

Madam, I'll thank you to take your hands off my creature.

Your creature nothing. This is my husband.

No, Lily. This creature is your husband.

I know what I see here is not true.

And I'm not going to get excited. I'm just going to simply keep calm...

and cool and I...

Lily!

You come out of there. Lily, please open up.

Do come out, madame. This is Johann's closet.

Although Johann is the exact duplicate of your husband...

he is extremely uncouth and uncivilized.

That's right, Lily.

And Herman and I were trying to teach him some manners and how to read.

That's what we were doing down in the basement.

I thought you were acting unusually stupid last night.

My wife is very perceptive.

The way things have worked out, I think it best if I take Johann back to Germany...

to be tutored in private.

But I do want to thank you all for your help.

Come, Johann.

Say goodbye to the nice people.

Run, run... run.

I think we'd better be going. Come along, Johann.

Goodbye, Doctor.

Bye-bye, nice having you. Bye, Johann.

Herman, what are you doing with that first-grade reader?

Well, shucks, I just wanted to see how it comes out.

"See John and Jane with the ball.

"See John and Jane play with the ball.

"Play, play, play."

"Play, play, play. Look at John and Jane play."

Grandpa, I just had a terrible thought.

Do you think Dr. Frankenstein could have gotten mixed up?

I mean, taken Herman and left me Johann?

Of course not, Lily.

Anyhow, if you ask me...

there's not enough difference to worry about.