Original subtitles

I've made up my mind. This is the only way.

I have to kill him.

Kill him!

I'll sneak through the French windows.

Then, as the moon spreads its sinister light...

I'll take a piece of piano wire and garrote him.

Who will ever suspect me?

Me, a quiet, simple, unassuming man.

It'll be the perfect murder. I won't leave a trace.

Revenge will be mine, and I will be... continued next week.

"Continued next week."

"Continued next week."

That's not fair.

Just when the story's getting real boss, they go and make it a cliffhanger.

No fair.

Herman, shut up.

Yes, dear.

Well, I might as well look in the missing-persons section.

Maybe one of these days I'll spot some dirty crook and get rich by finking on him.

Would you look at the crooks they got this week?

Look at that ugly old guy with a $1,000 reward on his head.

Boy, does he ever look rotten.

Lily, wake up!

What is it? What?

I was just looking in the Shocking Detective Magazine, and I saw...

this picture of this ugly old guy with a $1,000 reward on his head.

Then I said to myself, "Hey, that ugly old guy looks very familiar."

For that you woke me out of a dead sleep?

Give me that magazine!

Lily.

Lily, dear, you'll just get in a tizzy.

See? I told you, you'd get in a tizzy.

♪♪

Well, Herman, you sound happy. What are you doing?

Just turning in my rotten old father-in-law for the reward money.

Herman, how could you?

It's easy, dear. It was a woman who was advertising for your sneaky old dad.

And she put her address right here in the detective magazine. See?

Now I'm just writing her a letter telling her to come get him and bring the thou.

Now come on, Herman, you wouldn't do that.

Just think, supposing the shoe were on the other foot.

Would Grandpa turn you in for $1,000? No. He loves you too much.

Yeah?

Well, then how come when we first got married, he asked me to...

make a donation to a hospital...

and about an hour later, those two medical students...

came around in a wagon to pick me up?

That was years ago.

Anyway...

it's just natural for a father to resent his son-in-law. After all...

we are royalty and he just didn't like the idea of some...

prefabricated Johnny-come-lately coming into the family.

All right, dear, I won't mail the letter.

What if that lady in Sioux City wants Grandpa for doing something bad?

What if he's in trouble?

You think my sweet old Daddy-in-law did something...

you know, spicy?

We are going to find out from Grandpa tonight.

We are going to bring up the subject of Sioux City.

Good idea. But one thing.

You know, Grandpa is very sensitive about his past. So, if we ask him...

if he's ever been to Sioux City, we are going to have to be very subtle.

Good. I'll be subtle.

I'll be double subtle.

Even triple subtle.

Everything looks great, Mom.

Yes, Eddie.

We should all be thankful that we live in a big, wonderful country like this.

And speaking of a big, wonderful country, Grandpa...

when was the last time you were in Sioux City?

Herman!

Was I too subtle?

What are you two talking about?

Well, we were just wondering, Grandpa, since you've been all over.

Have you ever been to Sioux City? Sioux City, Iowa?

And we're not asking because we're suspicious, or anything like that.

Or like you committed a crime or something.

Herman, please. Thanks, Marilyn.

Grandpa, pass your plate.

Sioux City. Sioux City, Iowa.

You know, Lily, I just can't seem to remember if I've ever been there.

Try to remember.

It's a little too rare.

Well, try your other sword, Grandpa.

Lily, I think we ought to give him the third degree some more on Sioux City.

I think the old coot's trying to hide something.

Now, that's how to cook a sword.

Hello? Sioux City 3458?

Miss Pamela Thornton, please.

Now remember, Herman, find out why she put the ad in the magazine.

And what she wants Grandpa for. And don't goof it up.

Miss Pamela Thornton? Hi.

This is Herm...

This is an anonymous gentleman calling you about that reward you offered in...

Shocking Detective Magazine.

Well, let's pretend that I'm the character you're looking for.

Only I'm not.

But if I was the character in the magazine...

which I'm not, what would you want me for?

I see. Would you say that again, please?

Thank you. That's what I thought you said.

The lady in Sioux City...

is Grandpa's wife.

Wife?

My wife? What do you mean she says she's my wife?

That's what the woman in Sioux City said, Grandpa.

She said you were her long-lost husband...

who cut out on her years ago and now she wants you back.

Rubbish. I don't have any wife in Sioux City.

What about Philadelphia? No!

Shreveport? Lake Placid? San Bernardino?

I don't know.

You see? You see, Lily? I told you so.

Just leave him to me. I'll cross-examine his brains out.

Wait a minute, Herman.

Grandpa, what do you mean you don't know?

Are you sure you don't have a wife in Sioux City?

Well, I'm pretty sure.

You know, after all, I've been married quite a few times.

A man 378 years old does have a tendency...

to outlive a wife or two.

Where were you on the night of August the 12th?

What does that have to do with it?

I don't know, but that kind of junk always seems to work on Perry Mason.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You suppose that woman has a way of finding out where I live?

Do you? Well, do you?

Herman...

you didn't mail that letter, did you?

Heck, no.

I'm smarter than that.

I wasn't put together yesterday, you know.

What letter?

Well, you might as well know.

Herman was going to mail a letter to that woman in Sioux City...

and collect the reward money, but I talked him out of it.

Give me that letter.

I'm going to burn it right now.

If I don't get that letter, I'm gonna go right through the ceiling!

Now, don't get excited. It's right over there on the desk.

Hi, you guys. What are you doing?

Please don't bother us right now. We have to get rid of an important letter.

If we don't find it and burn it, Grandpa is going to be in big trouble.

Was it a letter for a woman in Sioux City?

Yes.

Was it right here on the writing desk? Yes.

Well, then Grandpa is in big trouble.

I just mailed it.

Well, he said he'd go right through the ceiling.

Grandpa, get a hold of yourself. Your wife may not show up at all.

Marilyn, don't call that woman my wife.

At my age I don't want to meet a wife I have to be introduced to.

See what you can do, Herman.

Now, now, Grandpa, do not worry.

When that woman shows up to claim you...

as her long-lost husband, I want you to know that I am going to stick...

by my father-in-law's side like glue.

Herman, it's somebody arriving. And it's a woman.

Every man for himself!

Hello. Hello.

Won't you come in? Thank you.

I'm Mrs. Munster, and I know why you're here.

Oh, Mrs. Munster, I'm Pamela Thornton.

And I received this lovely letter from your husband, Mervin.

Herman.

Oh, Herman.

Naturally, I was just so thrilled to find out...

that you people know the whereabouts of my long-lost husband.

Well, Miss Thornton, let's discuss this.

All right.

I just want to be reunited with my darling. Where is he?

Well, you see... I don't think Grandpa's around.

Grandpa?

Then you must be my grandson.

Come to Nanny.

He's always that way with strange people.

Please, won't you tell me the whereabouts of my dear, dear husband?

I need him so.

Well, maybe he's not the right one.

And I don't think you'd want to see him again.

You see, he's become very cranky and broken down in his old age.

That's right. Poor old thing, he's so decrepit.

Just between you and me. You know those fangs he always talks about?

They're just dentures.

Herman, they don't have to overdo it.

All right.

I know you're hiding him here someplace.

You haven't heard the last of me. And believe me, the kid gloves are off!

Good day to you!

"Therefore, if Pamela Thornton's lawful husband, sometimes known as...

"the Count, sometimes known as Sam Dracula...

"does not appear at the Ritz Hotel no later than this evening...

"my client will prosecute the wife-deserter...

"to the full extent of the laws of this state.

"Signed, Attorney at Law, Clarence J. Wedge...

"of Hammer, Wedge, and Thump."

Doesn't sound like a trio that would sing The Indian Love Call.

Grandpa, what are you going to do now?

What am I going to do now?

I'm going to go down to the hotel and have it out with that old gal.

Imagine a woman pretending to be my wife.

Boy, some women will go to any lengths to snare a handsome rascal.

You've come back.

Oh, my darling husband.

It's been so long.

Well, let's can the mushy stuff, sister.

You know darn well I've never seen you before in my life.

Now, calm down, sugar-boy. Come in.

You come right on in and let me pour you a nice glass of champagne.

Thank you. But you see, we Draculas don't drink wine.

And now, let's get this point of fact straight. I am not your husband.

Darling, don't you remember our wonderful marriage?

I certainly do not.

Don't you remember those romantic strolls...

we used to take hand in hand along the lake?

No.

And then we'd get into our yacht and take a little midnight cruise.

Our yacht? Yes. We'd go across the lake...

to have dinner at the country club.

The country club?

And all those marvelous parties we used to have on our beautiful estate.

Our 400-acre estate with our very own stable of horses.

Fifty-two horses.

And you...

you were so much fun...

in that $10,000 Stutz Bearcat I gave you.

$10,000 Stutz Bearcat?

Darling, please tell me you remember our wonderful marriage.

Well, if you just keep on talking, I think it'll all come back to me.

Champagne, darling?

Thank you. Clarence?

Clarence? Oh, darling, this is my...

Our attorney, Clarence J. Wedge.

And he has a little piece of paper that he'd like for you to sign.

Sign it right here where I have the X.

Of course. I'll sign anything.

So long as you and I can pick up where we left off.

Country club, estates, yachts, Stutz Bearcats.

I just can't wait to get going.

By the way, Wedgie, old boy, what was it I signed anyway?

Just a sworn affidavit stating that you are Miss Thornton's husband.

And just as long as you sign that piece of paper...

that's all that counts.

Herman, what do you think has happened to Grandpa?

Now, Lily, by this time he's probably set that woman straight...

and on his way right home.

You know, I'll bet he really told her off, too.

It just shows you how much he loves us and needs us.

Why, he wouldn't give up our wonderful home life...

for anything in the world.

There he is.

Hi, Grandpa. Where's the fire?

Shut up, stupid.

See?

He's back to his old normal self again.

Hey, Grandpa...

how did you make out with that old hen down at the hotel?

Watch what you're saying about my wife, buster.

I got to hand it to you, Grandpa. You're quite a card.

The next thing you'll probably do is come up and tell us you're moving out of here...

and going to live with her.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Grandpa, you're not leaving?

Well, I'm sorry, Lily, I just discovered that I'm a very wealthy man.

It wouldn't be fair to you and the rest of the family...

to have a rich aristocrat like me living here.

It would make you feel inferior.

Open up, sweetheart.

It's your loving husband come to share your fortune with you.

Clarence, who is this silly old man?

Silly old man.

Now, Pamela, dear...

as your newly found, long-lost husband, I demand an explanation.

All right, stupid, I'll give you one.

You see, I was to come into a large inheritance.

But in order to collect it, I had to prove that I was married.

You mean, we're not really married?

Of course not.

I just happened to see your photograph in an old magic magazine.

And I figured that anybody that looked like you did...

should have passed on years ago.

Well, thanks for the compliment.

But, Pamela, dear, here I am in the flesh.

Yes, well, Pamela didn't count on that.

You see, when she offered the phony reward...

it was to convince the court she had a lost husband.

Then I found out you were for real.

So, we got you to sign the paper stating that you were my husband.

And to sum it all up in legal terminology:

Get lost, you bum.

And one thing's for sure. I am never going to speak to Grandpa again.

He's just a greedy old dum-dum.

You won't have much chance to speak to him, since he took off with that rich woman.

Even if he came back, I wouldn't speak to him.

Well, if it isn't the Prodigal Grandpa.

No, it couldn't be. It must be some other old creep.

The Grandpa that we knew took off for a life of luxury.

Herman, I'm terribly sorry for walking out on my family.

Lily, dear...

will you please tell this derelict creature who dares cross our doorstep...

to split.

Come on, Herman.

I have never seen that old geezer before.

Herman, please take me back.

Please?

That's funny. I seem to hear voices from the past.

How can you leave a poor old homeless man out here in the snow?

What snow? Just a minute.

It does look kind of cold out there.

Not only is it cold, it's very lonesome.

Please take him back, Herman. After all, this is his home.

It was his home. Until he let his greedy ways get the best of him.

Herman, I'll never be that way again. Money means nothing to me now.

I know that all I want is to be with my dear family.

Please take me back.

Well, under those conditions...

okay.

I will take you back.

Now, one thing, Grandpa, whatever you...

Herman...

can I see you for a minute? Herman.

I spent some cash on the cab fare to the hotel.

Could you let me have a five-spot till I get back on my feet?

Out! Out of my house!

You money-grabbing, greedy old thing!

Greedy!

Herman, when are you going to let Grandpa back in the house?

I'm not gonna let him in until he's learned his lesson.

Boy, is he learning his lesson.

He's so upset out there, he's talking to himself.

After what he's done to me, I'll just have to kill him.

I must have my revenge.

Yes.

He's cast me aside like an old shoe, but I will have his head for this.

His head, I say.

He wants to kill me.

My own father-in-law wants to chop off my head and spoil my good looks.

Grandpa, are you really going to kill Herman?

Heck no. I was just reading the latest issue...

of Shocking Detective Magazine.

Shocking Detective Magazine?

I knew it all the time.

I wasn't a bit worried.