Original subtitles

I have summoned you all here tonight...

on the stroke of midnight for this annual Munster ritual.

A ceremony which has been a tradition in our family for over 100 years.

This is a very solemn occasion.

And it's all going to be decided in the democratic manner.

The fair, decent, honest American way.

Now, I want you all to remember...

no hard feelings.

Whatever the results, we're gonna abide with them...

with good humor and sportsmanship.

One vote that we spend our vacation at the beach.

Another vote for the beach.

Another vote for the beach.

And another vote for the beach.

There's still one more, Uncle Herman.

I'm not going to read it. And why not?

Because it's my vote...

and I voted to go to Buffalo Valley.

And if I can't go to Buffalo Valley, I don't want to go anywhere.

And another thing, I demand a recount.

Because I say that this election was fixed.

It's just not fair, and it's nothing but a case of crooked politics.

I've been robbed.

Well...

now that our annual democratic election is over with...

I hope we all enjoy Buffalo Valley.

I'm sure we're all going to enjoy it, as usual.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it, Uncle Herman.

I have tests at school...

and besides, everyone knows that Buffalo Valley...

is definitely no place to meet boys.

Perhaps your dear uncle is hoping you'll meet some rich, handsome buffalo.

Here we are, Mom. Number 10.

Herman...

do you mean you just got an upper and a lower for the four of us?

That's right, dear. You see, that way I got the excursion rate.

For goodness sakes.

We'll simply have to double up.

You and Grandpa can have the upper.

But, Lily... No arguments.

Do you want to spoil this miserable trip before it's begun?

Now, Eddie, you run along and get ready for bed.

Don't forget to brush your fangs.

Will it be all right with you if I go first? Certainly.

Will you be a little careful, Herman?

I'm sorry.

Darn!

I guess I'll just have to jump up there.

Grandpa, help! Help!

Oh, boy.

Grandpa, quick, we're coming to a tunnel!

Hold still a minute.

Okay, Herman, now. Think small.

Thank you, Grandpa. Don't mention it.

You know, Herman...

I wonder if I should have stopped off at the freight yards...

and bought a livestock permit before we boarded the train.

Why do you wonder that?

Because I've never traveled with a jackass before.

Now, let me see. I've forgotten which one it is.

"The two men looked up in quivering horror."

It's along here somewhere.

"Suddenly from behind the curtain...

"appeared the ghostlike figure of the dear dead Lady Madeline...

"still wearing the shroud, in which she'd been buried."

I think this is it.

Whoops, wrong berth.

Poor man must have suddenly realized he'd passed his station.

Herman, will you settle down?

You almost killed me getting undressed in here.

Knock it off, Grandpa.

And will you get your foot out of the pocket of my nightie?

Boy, the last time I tried to sleep in a place this small...

some guy shoveled dirt in my face.

Herman, what's the matter now? I need a drink of water.

Shuckie!

No water. I'm dying of thirst.

If I knew who used up the water, I'd kill them, that's what I'd do.

I'd kill them. I'd kill them. I'd kill them.

I'd kill them. I'd kill them.

I'd kill them! I'd kill them!

Herman, what's going on? I don't know, dear.

I didn't realize that many people were nervous about riding on trains.

It was real neat, Mom, while we were getting dressed this morning...

somebody folded up all the beds. Yes, dear.

But why did they bring our breakfast in here...

instead of letting us go to the dining car? I don't know.

They said something about all the passengers...

getting together last night...

and insisting that we have this car all to ourselves.

I must say, it was very considerate of them.

Please, dear, I'm trying to read this fascinating historical data to my son.

"On the way to Buffalo Valley...

"our streamliner carries us through miles of barren desert...

"the heart of the Owagi Indian Country."

"Although civilization continues to infringe on this territory...

"legend has it, there still may be...

"one or two lost Indian tribes living in the desert."

My, isn't this interesting?

Sure, Pop, if you say so.

"Anthropologists tell us the sociological implications...

"of various artifacts found in this region are far-reaching."

What do you think of that, Eddie?

Train must be stopping for mail or something.

Might as well get off and get a magazine while we're waiting.

No newsstand here. I guess it must be around the back.

That's funny, there's no newsstand here, either.

I guess I'll just have to sit down and read my...

fascinating travel booklet.

"The warm desert sun...

"coupled with the vast expanse of wasteland...

"made this area one of unending monotony...

"for the early prospectors and settlers.

"They were often lulled into a hypnotic trance...

"which no sight or sound could penetrate."

Lily.

Lily.

Darn!

The minute a fellow's back is turned, that sneaky old train disappears.

I think that's pretty inconsiderate, don't you?

All right, don't answer me, you old sorehead.

I'll bet you used to give sour milk.

"Village, 6 miles."

Well, I guess I better head for it.

That's what they always used to do on Death Valley Days.

White man speak with forked tongue.

Warriors attack wagon train.

Bring back many scalp.

Ah...

Look, I told you 20 times, Manikoo.

I can't do those cornball lines.

I feel like a schnook beating that crummy drum.

Look, Wonga, I don't dig the bit, either...

but it's what the tourists expect.

We don't put on a good show, they're not gonna come down here weekends...

to spend their big heap wampum. But, Manny, we've been...

Let's face it, man...

the whole tribe's going broke with this kooky Indian village gig.

We ain't even making the profit we used to on the tomahawks and the blankets.

Yeah, the Japanese wholesaler raised the price.

I know. The only answer is to pep up the show.

Knock out the rain-dance number and put back the wagon train finish.

Let's go.

Powatuma speaks.

Our tribe came here many moons ago.

We hunt buffalo, we plant corn...

we prosper.

Yeah, Chief, that was a long time ago.

The only thing we've got going for us now is tourists and Medicare.

Ancient legend says, prosperity returns to tribe...

when Mighty Spirit Wanitoba returns from desert.

Guy Chief, that legend's 200 years old.

You don't really think there ever was a Mighty Spirit Wanitoba?

My great-grandfather saw Spirit in vision.

Carve face on totem pole.

One day, great God of Wanitoba...

will return from desert.

Grandpa, I'm so worried.

You mean to say you and the conductor searched the whole train...

and Herman is not on board? That's right.

But I just found another conductor...

who said he saw someone answering Herman's description...

get off at Indian Flats.

But that was two hours ago. Why didn't he say something then?

He said he just got up enough courage to come out of the broom closet.

I wonder what he meant by that.

Anyway, we'll get to Buffalo Valley in 10 minutes.

We'll just get the next train back to Indian Flats...

and we'll start looking for him there.

Grandpa, what are we gonna do if Pop's disappeared for good...

and we never find him at all?

What are we gonna do?

We'll just send in his return trip ticket...

for a cash refund, that's what we're gonna do.

Must be one of those lost Indian tribes I was reading about.

Just hope it's not a mirage.

I guess nobody's home.

Wonder if this place is deserted.

Holy mackerel. There, Wonga, what is it?

You got me, Manny.

But he's a dead ringer for the top man on the totem pole.

Legend come true.

Mighty Spirit Wanitoba, return to tribe.

Ancient prophecy fulfilled.

We greet Wanitoba as the morning greets the sun.

Huh.

Lily, here's where Herman got off, and there goes our train.

What do we do now?

Eddie! Here I am, Mom.

"Village, 6 miles."

Do you think he could have started out for there?

Hey, Mom, Pop did come this way.

Here's this crummy travel folder he was reading.

Eddie, you're right.

Come along, Grandpa.

Neither blinding sun...

nor burning desert sands shall keep us from the swift pursuit...

of our beloved Herman.

March.

Boy, things aren't crazy enough on this trip...

your mother has to go and do a commercial for the post office.

But you know that guy who walked in here...

may get this tribe a little prosperity after all.

The rest of the legend says...

that if great God Wanitoba marry Indian maiden...

then crops grow, wampum flow, everything is cool, daddy.

Old green-in-the face marry one of our Indian chicks?

The Chief is arranging it now.

It won't be legal or anything, but it'll make old Powatuma happy...

and beginning next week, if it's a hit...

we can stage the ceremony three or four times a day.

That'll bring the tourist trade back with a bang.

But will nausea-puss go along with it? Are you kidding?

When I told him the set-up, you know what he said?

"Gee, I always wanted to be in the show biz. Ho, ho, ho."

He may look like Totem Pole Charlie...

but underneath it all, he's strictly Rotary Club.

I think just a little bit more eye shadow and we've got it made.

Say, I took a peek at my fiancée.

I think this is gonna be a real fun thing.

Hey, Mom, I think I see a village.

There's tents and stuff.

I hope so.

Boy, this reminds me of the good old days in the Transylvanian Foreign Legion.

Just keep remembering...

that whatever Herman's doing, and wherever he is...

he' s thinking of his little family.

Hmm.

Hey, Mom, that's Pop. He's playing Indian.

I'll say. And look who he's playing Indian with.

Friends of the groom.

That goofball is really getting married.

Oh, you're darn right.

Lily!

You can bet your chicken feathers, it's Lily.

All right, Chief Glint-In-The-Eye...

we're taking the next train home.

But, Lily... Don't "but Lily" me.

Lily. Lily.

Let's go, Eddie, before your mother forgets...

she's a lady and tomahawks him into the happy hunting ground.

Well, there goes the old ball game.

Yeah, but you know, Manny...

I kind of feel sorry for Chief Powatuma.

He really believed that old Indian legend. Yeah.

Look at him over there, pouring his heart out to the ancient Gods.

Wanitoba...

you are mighty, you are wise...

but tell an old man one thing...

why you send me cockamamie Indian?

But, Uncle Herman, how could they talk you into getting married?

I don't know. Those nice Indian fellows said...

I'd help bring prosperity to the tribe and they made a big fuss over me.

Heck...

for the first time in my life, I felt really important.

Important?

So when those nice Indian fellows presented me with a headdress...

and all that groovy war paint and everything...

gee, I felt like a big movie star.

Like Jack Lemmon, or Sal Mineo even.

I guess that's why I did it.

You know something, Herman, that even gets me.

Hermie...

I didn't know that you felt that way.

And I want to apologize right now for misjudging you.

I know you didn't really care about that Indian girl.

Why, certainly not, dear. Why would I?

I mean, I've got a real going squaw like you at home.

Can I ask you something, dear? Anything, dear.

You want to Indian wrestle?