Original subtitles

Dinner is served in the main dining room.

Where's Grandpa? He's down in his laboratory.

Working on a secret project.

Secret project?

Grandpa, chow time.

Grandpa, chow time.

Start without me.

I'm inventing a machine that's going to achieve world peace.

We're having broiled shark and tossed centipede salad.

The world waited this long, it can wait a little longer.

Well, well, well...

if it isn't our favorite mad scientist.

Close the door.

Okay, let's eat.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's the third sign?

I was hoping you'd ask.

Is that a hint? No. It's an order.

As head of the household it is my duty...

to see what my sneaky old father-in-law is up to.

Wowie, wowie.

Wowie zonk.

This place looks just like the launching tower at Cape Kennedy.

Herman, you bum! Get your hands off my machine!

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm sure having fun.

Okay, Herman, knock it off.

All right. All right. All right.

I was just trying to... Watch it. Don't stand up.

Herman!

My darling Herman! What happened?

Is he... No. He's just slightly unconscious...

from being hit in the head with a bolt of lightning.

Boy, was he lucky. Any place else, it would have killed him.

He's coming to. I'll take the sheet.

No, Lily, don't touch him until I prepare you emotionally.

What's wrong, Grandpa?

Did the lightning disfigure him?

Yes, my child, I'm afraid it did.

Oh, my poor Herman, my poor darling.

Now brace yourselves. I'm gonna unveil him.

Now be brave.

Remember, my children, no matter how gruesome he looks...

he's still our Herman.

Oh, no!

Eddie...

We're gonna have to break this to him gently.

Where am I?

You're right here, dear, in the bosom of your family.

You got hit in the head by a bolt of lightning.

I did? How?

How? By fooling around with my machines, you big schnook.

Grandpa!

It's all his own fault...

if schnooks rush in where wise men fear to tread.

How do you feel? I feel fine.

I feel fine.

No harm done.

That's funny. My clothes are too big for me.

I guess the heat of the lightning expanded them.

What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen big clothes before?

Why is everyone staring... Lily.

Yes, my beloved.

I demand to know why everyone is staring at me.

Herman, I'm afraid to say this but the explanation...

can be found in the nearest mirror.

Nearest mirror?

Mirror?

Marilyn, get him some water. Quickly.

I've never seen that man before in my life.

Neither have we.

This is a practical joke.

While I was unconscious you put a mask on me.

No. Now, Herman. No, it's not a mask. It's really you.

It's amazing. From one lousy bolt of lightning.

Here, Uncle Herman, drink this. Thank you.

I'm drinking, he's drinking.

It really is me.

Grandpa, throw the rest of this water in my face, maybe it'll wash off.

Thank you. You're welcome.

He's still there, taunting me.

I'll never be able to do it.

You'll never be able to do what?

I will never be able to go through the rest of my life with a face like this.

Well, Grandpa, what do you think?

Not bad. Not good, but not bad.

I think I look ridiculous.

Why?

I'm not used to dressing flashy.

I feel like I've...

gone Hollywood.

But, sweetheart...

I picked out the most conservative outfit I could find.

In keeping with the dignity of your work.

Lily, dear, I have explained to you half a dozen times...

I am not going to the parlor with this face.

Oh.

You see, he figures they'll take one look at that face...

and reach for the embalming fluid.

Not necessarily. I figure they'll be extremely polite...

and extremely cold. The same as my family.

That's not fair, Herman, we're not being cold.

We're just... You're just what?

We're just going through a period of adjustment.

After all, Herman, I mean, we have to look at you constantly.

You only have to look at you when you're shaving.

Grandpa!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Grandpa.

Hello... sir.

Hello, sir?

He meant, "Hello, Pop."

Grandpa, will you come outside and play catch with me?

Sure. Let's go. Okay.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Edward, why didn't you ask your father to play catch with you?

'Cause my father isn't here.

I mean, he's...

He means he doesn't want to mess up your new suit.

Yeah. Or your new face.

I see.

How considerate. How coldly considerate.

Herman. What?

I've got it. We'll make an appointment with Dr. Dudley...

to discuss the possibility of plastic surgery.

Plastic surgery.

Plastic surgery!

Lily, what a wonderful idea! I could kiss you.

As a matter of fact, I think I will.

You don't want me to. You don't want...

My own wife doesn't want me to kiss her.

Oh, no, Herman, it's not that I don't want you to. It's only that...

Only that I need more time.

Can you understand? Indubitably.

I can also understand that from now on you prefer I sleep in the guest room.

Now, Herman, I...

I'm sorry that you feel so strange with your own husband.

I just hope that someday we can find a mutual friend...

who may introduce us!

Hermy.

Hey, Marilyn. Yes, dear?

When Mom and Pop come back from Dr. Dudley's...

will Pop have his old face again?

You see, Eddie, now Dr. Dudley is a general practitioner...

and if he advises an operation...

then he'll refer your father to a plastic surgeon.

Oh, gee.

Eddie, cheer up. His old face wasn't that sensational.

Compared to his new one, I think it was. So do I.

What's so funny?

The way Herman disguised himself to appear in public...

so he wouldn't get stared at.

What's so funny about that?

I'll bet you 10 to 1 he gets stared at anyhow.

Sit down.

That's fine.

Right there.

Now, tell me about the accident.

I didn't get any of that.

Doctor, he was hit on the head by a bolt of lightning.

That's terrible.

Don't you think you could hear him better if you took off the bandages?

Take off the...

I think so, too. Come. Right this way.

Up and right over to... That's fine.

All righty! Let's hop on the old table.

Good.

Let's see what we have here.

You know, this roll of bandages reminds me of my childhood.

I had a Siamese cat who loved to play with a spool of yarn.

My mother gave the cat away, because she thought that I was allergic to it.

But I wasn't. We found out later that I was allergic to my mother.

Mr. M., I have no time for games. Show me your face.

Not until you promise not to laugh at it.

Come now. I never laughed at it before.

From time to time it made me sick but I never laughed.

Hermy, baby, please. After all, he's our doctor.

Yes.

Do you mean that this is the result...

of being hit by a bolt of lightning?

That's fantastic! Mr. Munster... Yes, Doctor.

It is my considered expert medical opinion...

that that bolt of lightning was your good fairy.

What do you mean?

I mean that this face is a vast improvement.

So don't complain.

We were hoping to restore his old one with plastic surgery.

You're kidding. No.

You really want the old face back, on purpose?

Yes.

And that's why we brought this photograph so you could tell us if it's possible.

Mr. and Mrs. Munster, forget it.

No plastic surgeon in the world would touch him.

Wear it in good health.

He likes this face better. And he calls himself a doctor.

Dear, there's no accounting for taste.

Don't you worry, we'll get another opinion.

Now, I'll go and fix you some lunch. I'm not hungry.

Darn!

Nobody loves me. There.

Lily! Marilyn! Eddie!

Herman!

Am I glad you're home. Why?

Why? Because your troubles are over.

Look what I found tucked away in my files.

What is it? Plans for a condominium in Transylvania?

No. It's your original blueprint.

The original? Correct.

The one they followed when they put him together?

Right. Where did you get it?

"To our favorite Count Dracula.

"A souvenir from Dr. Frankenstein and all the guys and gals."

Isn't that sweet?

Well, that's... Yeah, that's fine but...

how does it solve my problem?

How does it solve your problem? We follow it again.

We put your head back in the original magnetic field and then...

you regain your original face. What do you say?

I say absolutely not. It's too dangerous.

I say absolutely yes.

No, Herman. If something should happen...

Lily, dear, my mind is made up.

Grandpa, when do we start?

Herman, I'll be ready for you in about five or six hours.

Oh, Mom, come on. Let me go down and watch.

No, Eddie. It's safer and smarter if we all wait here.

Well?

How are we coming? Great!

Are you comfortable? No.

Does the blueprint say I'm supposed to be comfortable?

The blueprints say a lot of things.

Maybe you should take a little bit more time to study them.

What's the matter, Herman, turning chicken?

Hardly.

Chicken. Chicken?

You aren't gonna... Herman, please.

Here, sign this.

What's this? It's a routine release form.

Okay, we're all ready.

Good luck. Thanks.

Same to you.

♪♪

Goodbye, Herman.

It's just like your first haircut.

Easy does it, Herman.

Hey, I hear footsteps. They're coming up.

Well, was it a success?

Yes and no.

Isn't Dad having supper with us?

No, your father has to go to work.

He's taken a job as a cocktail waitress.

Eureka! Eureka what?

I may have found where I slipped up.

Do you think she'll be willing to try again?

Grandpa, don't even ask him.

Good evening. Good evening, Aunt Herman.

Well, how do I look?

You look lovely.

Thank you.

Well, I'm off to the cocktail lounge.

Goodnight to everyone... except Grandpa.

Herman, be a sport. I did restore your old face.

I'm greedy.

I want my old face attached to my old body.

Goodnight, dear.

Goodnight, dear.

Don't let the customers get fresh.

I won't.

Nuts!

I forgot to ask him what he plans to do about next Monday at school.

What's next Monday at school? Father's Day.

Just what I need, right after I set my hair.

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

I'm back!

I'm Herman Munster...

your handsome husband.