Original subtitles

Eddie Munster, we see you up there.

Get down here this instant.

If I come down there, I'm gonna get it, and I don't wanna get it.

Now, Eddie, hear this, this is your father speaking.

We want you to come down immediately.

We want to discuss why you were sent home from school.

Uh-uh.

Eddie, stop it.

All right, if that's the way you want to play it, here I come.

Got you!

All right, young man. You were sent home from school.

Suppose you tell your father exactly what happened.

I was gambling.

Gambling?

The teacher caught me pitching pennies with Jeff Miller.

Pitching pennies!

My son, gambling!

Eddie Munster, what do you think you can gain by that?

I won. I gained 30 cents.

No, Eddie! That 30 cents, son, was tainted money.

And I'm going to teach you a lesson...

that is going to stay with you...

for the rest of your life.

And after I'm through with you...

you're never going to gamble again as long as you live.

How much do you want to bet?

I'll bet you a quarter and I'll give two to...

Herman!

Golly, that was my favorite piggy bank.

I raised it from an egg.

Herman, do you know that boy was saving that money to buy his own scorpion?

I am fully aware of that, Grandpa...

but this is going to be a far greater value in the long run.

To teach Eddie the folly of gambling...

I am taking this money, I am betting it on a horse.

Herman, I don't think I like that idea.

You mean to say that you are going to go to the racetrack...

and personally lay down a bet?

No, that won't be necessary.

There's a man down at work who knows these two very nice fellows...

who run a dry-cleaning establishment...

and as a service to their customers...

they take bets on horse races on the side.

A dry-cleaning establishment?

A bookie joint!

No, it's just a place of business.

Some stores give trading stamps, they take bets on races.

Now, let's see.

To pick a loser.

Herman, why don't you let Lily pick one for you?

She picked a loser when she married you.

Grandpa!

Oh.

Here we are, Blue Belle.

"Odds, 30-to-1.

"Handicapper's comment:

"Last workout, horse was clocked...

with a calendar instead of a stopwatch."

Perfect.

What a lesson this is going to be to you, Eddie.

Winning the second race, and paying $14.20, $7.80.

And now, here are the...

Hey, take a look at this.

Mystery to track. First, on the meadow, in the third...

it was Jim's Boy paying $6.20.

In the fourth...

Looks like the boys from the East Side have sent over one of their goons.

In the old days, we used to pull out better looking guys out of the river.

Check him out. Keep him covered, Lefty. Could be a bomb in that sack.

Good morning, sir. Hi.

I'd like to have these slacks cleaned and pressed.

I feel that, since you people are accommodating enough...

to take bets on the horse races...

that I should bring you a little business.

Now, here you go.

I'd like to place this entire $10...

on Blue Belle in the third race.

Blue Belle?

I know it's a wicked waste of money...

but, you see, I have my little scheme.

When will the slacks be ready?

Friday afternoon. The same time your horse comes in.

Hurry up, Eddie. Tune in the race. It's on right now.

I wonder how far out of the money it's going to run.

It's Indian Guide in front by two lengths...

Prince Charming is second, High Stepper is third.

And coming out of the starting gate is Blue Belle.

Oh, no! That's my horse!

Just coming out of the starting gate.

What a lesson this is going to be.

Prince Charming is second, Indian Guide is third...

Jerry Boy, and twenty lengths behind, Blue Belle.

This is beautiful.

Indian Guide is second and up on the outside is Blue Belle.

It's Blue Belle in the lead...

and crossing the line to finish to win by a nose is Blue Belle.

Yeah!

What happened? He won.

Some rotten lesson you're teaching my son!

Blue Belle's paid $68.40 to win...

$29.80 to place, $18.60 to show.

Eddie, turn the radio off.

Congratulations, Eddie.

With the $10 your father bet for you...

I figure you won over $300.

$300!

This whole thing has been a freak.

And to further point out the absurdity of gambling...

I'm going to take these ill-gotten gains...

and do just as any happy gambler would do...

who is flushed with success.

I'm gonna bet it all on another horse tomorrow.

But, Pop.

There is a very big lesson at stake here.

Uh-huh.

Here's just the horse I'm looking for.

"Sad Sam.

"Horse carries a 118-pounds weight...

"including jockey's lunch and flashlight."

A natural.

Hi, everybody.

Daddy's home.

Hey, Pop. Grandpa and I were just listening to the race results...

and Sad Sam won and paid $84.

That's right, Herman.

And with the wad you bet, I figured you won over $14,000.

What?

Well, there it is.

Goon boy nailed us... for $14,364.

So we forget to pay him.

I say we lock up the joint and scram.

We can work out at that teahouse on Elm Street.

We'll go broke if he keeps picking winners like that.

We won't go broke if he's picking the winners for us.

This guy's either a genius or he's got inside information.

Now, we persuade him to work for us, and we're on the gravy train.

But how do we get to him?

Relax, will you? Lou can get to him.

You're right, boss. That's the answer, Lou.

Hello.

Lou, I've got an assignment for you.

Sure, Big Roy.

Yeah, I'll do it.

What kind of a looking fellow is he?

Tall...

dark, dark green.

Dark green?

And he looks like a what?

Well, sure. I'll be glad to do it.

Only I got to tell you one thing:

I better get an extra-big bonus...

at Christmas.

Bye.

Excuse me, miss, could I be of some assistance?

Would you, please?

I can't seem to get this silly old car started.

Now, miss, no need to cry.

But Daddy gets so angry...

if I broke his car.

Allow me.

You're so clever.

It was nothing, really.

Now if I only didn't have to go home and face Daddy.

Well, I'm sure Daddy will understand.

But Daddy gets so mean.

I know, if you'd come home with me...

maybe you could explain to him why I'm so late.

Oh, gee, I, ahem...

I have to be getting in my old heap and be driving home, too.

Miss, please.

Okay, I'll drive you home.

You're so sweet.

I know.

Grandpa, I can't understand what's keeping Herman.

He's always home from the parlor at 5:13 sharp.

Well, you know how it is.

Maybe he got into an argument with one of the customers.

No.

No, I don't think so.

He never gets any back talk from them.

Do you suppose he stopped by that dry-cleaning place...

picked up his winnings, and then somebody robbed him?

If that's what happened, I could never forgive myself.

Why? Why?

Because, if it wasn't for me, Herman never would've won a thing.

You mean to say that you... Lily.

You don't think that big clod was picking winners out of thin air, do you?

You used magic to make those horses win?

But why did you do that? To teach him a lesson.

I just can't stand my son-in-law making a big deal out of everything.

He could have had a nice, easy talk with Eddie about the evils of gambling...

but no, he's got to get everybody but the man from U.N.C.L.E. involved.

You mean to say that Herman couldn't pick a winner on his own?

Lily, Herman couldn't pick a jackrabbit out of a herd of turtles.

Well, it's about time you were showing up.

Please, Daddy, I had car trouble.

This nice man will explain it you.

She's right, Daddy.

Sir.

You shouldn't be too harsh with her.

You'll find you'll make a lot more headway...

with a little bit of love and affection...

and understanding.

Huh?

Yeah.

Well, thanks for seeing she got home all right.

Can I get you something. Brandy, a cigar?

No, thank you. You're very kind.

But I have to be getting home, too.

Come on. I'd like to do something for you.

How about a Scotch, gin, bourbon?

Well, the sun is over the yardarm.

If you insist, I could go for a hot fudge sundae.

Well, if you do hear anything about Herman, please let me know.

Thank you, Mr. Gateman. Thank you.

What happened, Aunt Lily? I don't know.

Herman left the parlor on time.

I wonder where he could have gone.

I got it.

Bonzo the Clown is appearing at the supermarket.

Oh.

Herman saw him last week.

Oh dear, deary me.

I hope he hasn't met with foul play.

Like it?

I'll say.

Especially with the pecans on top.

This one's even better than the other three.

Well, it's suppertime.

I'd better be going. It was very nice meeting you folks.

You know something, you're my kind of people.

Now, just a minute. Before you go...

there's talk around town you're a big winner at the races.

How about you picking a winner for me in tomorrow's races?

Pick a winner? I don't know.

Won't you do it for me?

Well, I guess that's the least I could do.

After all, you make a pretty neat hot fudge sundae.

Here's the racing form.

Pick me out a good one.

All righty.

Now, let's see.

Eenie meenie minie moe.

Here's the horse with the go-go-go.

Royal Flush!

Royal Flush? That's a terrific long shot.

Are you sure about that? As sure as I'm alive and breathing.

Well, bye now. Just a second.

I don't want you to leave.

Huh? Oh.

Well, you see, I have to be going.

I have to be picking up my winnings.

And another thing, my family is waiting supper for me.

We're having shoofly pie tonight...

and I want to get home before all the flies are gone.

What if I told you you're not going to leave?

What if you told me I was not going to leave?

Mmm.

What if you told me I was not going to leave?

Well, I don't think that would be very nice.

Oh.

It's the nice fellows from the dry-cleaning establishment.

Say listen, will my slacks be ready Friday?

Well, Monday would be soon enough.

You don't have to get upset about it.

Sit down!

Put it there.

Now listen very carefully.

I'm betting $50,000 on Royal Flush tomorrow.

And just to make certain you're not giving me the double-cross...

we're keeping you right here until after the race is over.

And if Royal Flush doesn't win...

you'll be wearing a cement overcoat.

Cement?

I know a lot of people think it's going to be a cold winter...

but a cement overcoat?

Don't you think that's a little heavy?

Just heavy enough to sink you to the bottom of the river.

Think it over, buddy.

You said your Daddy was mean, but...

Gee!

All right, let's get going.

Post time is 1:15 and Royal Flush in the first race.

Buddy, you've got a great combination.

Royal Flush or cement overcoat.

No, Grandpa, I am going to call the police and that's all there is to it.

No, I cannot bear to spend another sleepless day of daylight...

knowing that Herman is still missing.

Could you hold off calling them for just a little while?

I've been down in the lab...

and I have two brilliant ideas I've been working on.

So I'll work on the other one.

There they go!

It's Royal Flush breaking in the lead with Daisy Mae and Sir Gallant.

At the first turn, it's Royal Flush still in the lead by two lengths...

trailed by Daisy Mae and Sir Gallant.

Into the back stretches, Royal Flush in front...

Daisy Mae is second and Sir Gallant.

Passing the half-mile post is Royal Flush, still leading by a length and a half.

And now they're turning into the stretch...

it's Royal Flush falling back in the pack...

as Sir Gallant takes the lead.

It's Sir Gallant widening his lead with every stride.

And now down to the wire, it's Sir Gallant the winner...

with Royal Flush finishing dead last.

Royal Flush! Yes.

Look, he got loose. There he is on the patio, come on, quick.

Where did he go? You don't suppose he...

There he is!

No!

Let him have it, Lefty.

I can't. He's pulled in against the building.

I need to just get to that window.

Herman! It's me, Grandpa.

Ooh.

I brought you an anti-gravity pill.

Take the pill. Go ahead, take it.

No matter what you do, you can't possibly fall.

Grandpa, what about the fellow with the gun?

Just take the pill, I'll take care him.

Goodbye.

Get off, you stupid bat!

Good boy, Grandpa.

Give me his gun. Get me a stick, I'll kill it.

A stick? Shoot him.

Look!

Do you see there? "Bookmaking Ring Smashed."

"Courageous citizen spills beans on mob."

And it just so happens...

I was the courageous citizen who spilled his beans.

Look, it says they captured the whole mob.

Big Roy, Lefty, Vic, and somebody named Lou.

I'm kind of sorry they got Lou.

She makes a hot fudge sundae that's really wizard.

But gee, Pop, we never got our winnings.

No, Eddie.

We forfeited those ill-gotten gains in the interest of building...

your character and integrity.

Uncle Herman, you're the greatest father image...

since Lorne Greene.