Original subtitles

I'm a mad genius! A mad genius!

Today, Mockingbird Heights...

tomorrow, the world!

Herman, is that you?

Yes, dear, it's me.

What's it like outside?

It was miserable for a while until I started up the walk.

Then it suddenly turned nice.

See? The lightning even hit my lunch box.

Sorry, dear.

Grandpa will be pleased.

He's been working all afternoon on his instant weather.

Say, listen, is Eddie in bed yet?

No, not yet.

He's in the living room playing with a tape recorder.

One of his little friends left it here today.

Isn't that sweet? He's recording our kitty cat.

Well, that's fine, but it's getting rather late, dear.

It's time Eddie was in bed and started lying awake all night.

You're right, dear. Why don't you go in and say good night.

I'll go upstairs and get his bed ready. All right, dear.

It's such a cold, clammy night. I think I'll prop the lid open.

Okay, kitty, one more time.

Eddie, time for bed, Son.

In a minute, Pop.

Eddie.

Hey, Pop, why don't you record your voice on the tape recorder...

so you can hear what you sound like when you're yelling at us?

Not now, Son, maybe tomorrow.

But I can't. I have to take this tape recorder back to Bud Willet tomorrow.

His father doesn't know he brought it over here.

Go ahead, Pop.

No, Eddie, I'd be much too embarrassed to talk into a microphone.

Come on, Eddie. Up to bed.

Okay. Good night, Pop. Good night, Eddie.

And horrible dreams.

Testing, one, two, three. Testing, one, two, three.

Testing, one, two, three. Testing, one, two, three.

Help! Help! Lily, help!

How silly, it's only us.

Head for the hills! It's King Kong!

Boy, am I scary or am I scary?

Herman, what are you doing down there?

Be with you in a minute, dear.

Well, hurry up.

Grandpa turned off the storm and all this quiet is making me nervous.

Yes, dear.

Oh, that husband of mine.

What could be keeping him?

♪ My toe bone's connected to my foot bone ♪

♪ My foot bone's connected to my heel bone ♪

♪ My heel bone's connected to my ankle bone ♪

♪ That's how they connected those dry bones ♪

♪♪

Sing it, Charlie. Sing it!

♪ My leg bone's connected to my knee bone ♪

♪ My knee bone's connected to my thigh bone ♪

♪ My thigh bone's connected to my hip bone ♪

♪ That's how they connected those dry bones ♪

♪♪

♪ Back with Dr. Frankenstein is where my story starts ♪

♪ Everything I have may not be mine ♪

♪ But I'm a gentleman of parts ♪

♪ My back bone's connected to my shoulder bone ♪

♪ My shoulder bone's connected to my neck bone ♪

♪ My neck bone is bolted to my head bone ♪

♪ And that's how Herman was born ♪

♪ I was assembled ♪

And that's how ♪

♪ A Hermie-baby was born ♪♪

So long, everybody.

Goodbye, Eddie. You be a rotten little boy in school today.

And if you play any rough games...

be sure to protect those dear little ears.

Okay, Mom.

Aren't you leaving early this morning, Eddie?

Yeah, that's on account on the way...

I gotta drop off Bud Willet's tape recorder at his house.

Well see you.

Bud Willet left his tape recorder here?

Yes, he and Eddie were playing with it yesterday.

I don't think they hurt it any...

but whoever turns it on may hear some pretty childish noises.

♪ My shoulder bone's connected to my neck bone ♪

♪ My neck bone is bolted to my head bone ♪

♪ And that's how Herman was born ♪

♪ I was assembled ♪

♪ And that's how ♪

♪ A Hermie-baby was born ♪♪

It's a switch anyway, Dick.

Yes. Who's the singer?

I don't know, Bill.

I got this tape in the mail about a week ago...

and it had three or four audition tunes on it.

And my kid was fooling around with the machine...

and apparently he erased everything on it but this one.

I got to admit I've never heard it sung quite like that before.

Has kind of a out-of-this-world type quality.

Yeah, and that guitar has a new sound.

You know, just for kicks, I think I'll play it on my 6:00 show...

and see if we get any reaction.

You don't think it's too corny? Too corny?

With the way the music business is today...

I just hope it's corny enough.

Marilyn, Eddie, dinner is ready.

Here we are!

Marilyn, take the chicken back to the kitchen.

I'm afraid it's not quite done.

Looks good to me.

Grandpa!

♪♪

Eddie, now I told you not to bring that radio to the table.

Turn it off!

But, gee, Mom, they play neat music on this program.

And now for a sound that's really different...

here is an unreleased recording...

by an artist whose name we don't even know.

Eddie, will you do as your mother says and turn that off?

They play nothing but rotten junk on that program.

♪♪

♪ My toe bone's connected to my foot bone ♪

♪ My foot bone's connected to my heel bone ♪

♪ My heel bone's connected to my ankle bone ♪

♪ That's how they connected those dry bones ♪

♪♪

♪ My leg bone's connected to my knee bone ♪

Junk is right.

It sounds almost as bad as Herman singing in the shower.

Just listen to that awful voice.

♪♪

Will you listen to that guy?

It sounds like a werewolf with laryngitis!

Yeah, you're right.

Even I wouldn't want to listen to that while I'm eating.

It's the worst thing I have ever heard. Don't you agree, Herman?

Oh...

Well, I...

You don't mean you're so tone-deaf...

you actually like that horrible singing?

Well, gosh, I... No!

No!

It sounds just like...

What was it, Grandpa?

A werewolf with laryngitis.

That's it, a werewolf with laryngitis.

Hey, how about all that mail?

It's an avalanche!

All of these people requesting that crazy song.

Listen to these, I just pulled these this morning.

All right.

"A really different singer." Different singer.

"A simple, unaffected voice." Simple, unaffected.

"A modern-day minstrel." Modern-day minstrel!

Here's one.

Hmm.

"Poignant." Poignant.

"Sexy." Sexy.

Sexy?

That's from the old ladies' home.

Sexy.

You know, Bill, this could be...

the biggest gimmick we have ever had.

You going to keep playing him on the air? Day and night, I'm going to.

I don't know who he is, but this mystery singer has something.

He could be the biggest thing since Burl Ives...

put a blue-tail fly in every ear in America.

Good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen...

please listen carefully to the first few bars of this next number.

♪♪

Oh my, there's that terrible record again.

♪ My heel bone's connected to my ankle bone ♪

♪ That's how they connected those dry bones ♪

♪♪

Yes, that's the song...

we've had thousands of requests for in the past week.

Ladies and gentlemen, this station is repeating its previous offer.

If the mystery singer who made this overnight hit record...

will contact this station...

there's a five-year recording contract waiting for him.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Offering a contract to a no-talent bum like that.

If you can identify that singer...

please, ladies and gentlemen...

phone this station at Zenith 9460.

That's Zenith 9460.

Zenith 9460. Herman, what are you mumbling?

The telephone number of the radio station. Why?

Because it just so happens that I'm the no-talent bum...

to whom the man was referring.

You mean, you were singing that awful song on the radio?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it either!

Would you believe it if I sang a few bars, Mr. Willet?

Fine.

♪ My toe bone's connected to my foot bone ♪

♪ My foot bone's connected to my ankle bone ♪

♪ My... ♪♪

He believes it.

Gee, Pop, my own father on the radio! Herman!

Please, please, family, family.

You must remember one thing: when a star is phoning...

you must keep your voice down.

Oh, boy!

Now, about that recording contract, Dick, baby...

Yes, that was Herman Munster's...

sensational runaway hit record...

that's been in third place in the Top 40 for two consecutive weeks!

Go, baby, go!

Uncle Herman, please! Come quick. What's the matter, dear?

It's Grandpa, his lightning machine is on fire...

and if you don't come down and help him put it out, it'll just blow up the lab!

Tell dear Grandpapa that I'm much too busy to see him right now.

Perhaps he could arrange an appointment with me next Tuesday.

But Uncle Herman...

Will you please try and knock off the noise? I'm trying to concentrate.

Herman, it's 5:00 in the morning, an hour past your bedtime.

What on earth are you doing?

I'm merely making sure that I'll look my best...

when I sing my hit record on TV tomorrow.

Television?

You're going on television?

That's right, dear.

Mr. Willet has his own weekly TV show...

and he's been smart enough to beg me...

to appear on it tomorrow night.

Herman, I know you're handsome and loaded with charm...

but you've never had any experience in front of a camera.

Have no fear, Lily.

If the fans are thrilled just by hearing my voice...

imagine how they'll flip when my face...

comes right into their living room.

Lily, dear, why don't you go to sleep?

I'm going downstairs just for a little while.

I want to exercise my golden voice.

♪♪

Herman's been acting so hammy lately.

I wonder what would happen if he became a really big star?

Will success spoil Herman Munster?

♪ I love you love you, baby and all that kind of groovey junk ♪

♪ If you'll be my swinging baby ♪

♪ I will be your ever lovin' punk ♪

♪♪

Heavens to Betsy.

Worse still...

what if he became a singing star in pictures?

Thank you.

Oh.

I would like to thank all the little people...

who worked so hard to make this picture a success.

I would like to thank them, but I really can't, because I did it all myself.

Of course, being the wife of a big star...

would have its compensations.

Now, Mr. Munster, would you mind telling the court...

just why you're divorcing your wife, Lily...

after 100 years of marriage?

Not at all.

My psychiatrist advises me...

that as an award-winning box-office giant...

my monumental ego requires that I change wives...

as often as I change my socks.

Why that no-good, two-timing, tone-deaf ham!

I hate to do this, but we've simply got to find some way...

to nip Herman's career in the bud.

That dream I had last night was the straw that broke the dragon's back.

I know, I know.

He's become such a ham, he's impossible to live with.

I asked him to sign my report card this morning...

but he said, "Please, sonny, no autographs."

Now, let me see what we have here.

"A falling star potion."

"Box-office poison."

Here it is. The recipe for "Nuthin' muffins!"

Nuthin' muffins? Yes.

One bite out of a nuthin' muffin is guaranteed...

to turn anything good into nothing.

Do you think they'll work? Will it work?

Thirty years ago in Detroit, a fellow ate a batch of them.

The next day he sat down and designed the Essex.

Fine. Well, I'll run up...

and make a whole batch of nuthin' muffins now.

Good.

Oh-oh.

Herman's been on a diet ever since he found out about going on TV.

He won't even touch starches.

Don't you worry about it.

You just go ahead and make that batch of nuthin' muffins.

Grandpa will see that he eats one...

if I have to jam it down his throat.

Herman, are you sure you don't want a muffin?

Thank you very much, dear, but no. I'm on a very strict diet.

Anyway, I want to run over my song once...

before I go down to the TV station.

All right, Herman, anything you want.

Lily.

That's the signal. Load!

Aim.

♪ My toe bone's connected to my foot bone ♪

Fire!

♪ My foot bone's... ♪♪

♪ My heel bone's connected to my ankle bone ♪

♪ That's how they connected That's how they connected ♪

♪ That's how they connected those dry bones ♪

♪♪

What happened? What happened? My voice! My voice! My golden throat!

Is something amiss, star? Grandpa, please!

♪ My toe bone's connected to my foot bone ♪

♪ My foot bone's connected to my... ♪♪

Help! Help! I'm ruined! Finished! Kaput!

Calm down, Herman.

I can't calm down! I'm finished! I'm finished! I'm finished!

Do you hear? I'm finished!

Take that! And that, and that...

and that, and that, and that!

Now, Poopsie, simmer down.

You just have to learn to face reality.

Cancel your TV appearance!

I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't!

Yes, you can, dear.

Well, if I do... Yes, Herman?

If I do, will you buy me a new guitar?

Of course, dear.

Honest, Uncle Herman, we did what we did...

because we all love you so much.

Marilyn's right, dear.

We all realized that your becoming a big recording star...

was changing all those sweet, lovable qualities...

that were built into you from the beginning...

and it was turning you into something weird and strange.

Sure, Pop. No kid wants a freak for a father.

Mom and Marilyn and Grandpa and I did what we did...

because we want the guy who makes us feel like a family.

Well, golly, gee, now that you all...

put it that way, I don't feel so badly about...

losing out on a big career and breaking...

my expensive guitar and everything.

You've opened my eyes, and I'm going to do it.

I'm going to quit the star business.

Herman, I hate to say this, you're a pretty nice guy.

You're no Norman Vincent Peale, but you're a pretty nice guy!

Well, I guess that just about sums it up.

I'm gonna go up to bed and hit the hay.

No, Herman. Just a minute.

Not until we sing this little song for you. Now, ready?

A-one, a-two, a-three.

For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪