Original subtitles

Just another minute, Lily, and I'll have this thing tuned.

Would you sound that A?

♪♪

Good.

I think I'll try high C.

I'll be a dirty bird.

Perfect!

Good evening, all.

Daddy's home.

Big deal.

Hello, Herman.

Well, just don't sit there. Aren't you gonna congratulate me?

What for, dear? I got promoted.

Starting Monday, I'm gonna be driving the hearse.

Or as they say in the trade, the "go-go wagon."

Hermie!

Congratulations, and I'm proud of you.

And to think that you started off at the parlor as a lowly box boy.

Here, I have the notice of my promotion right here in my wallet.

Herman.

Isn't this your driver's license?

That's right, dear.

Well, according to the date...

this license expired 20 years ago.

So it did.

I've been busy.

Herman, you've got to go down to the motor vehicle office and renew this license...

so that you can get the job that was offered to you at the parlor.

Yes, and then you better get a book of traffic rules and study up on them.

Don't you think so, Grandpa? Of course.

Lily, dear, for an experienced driver like me...

there's nothing to taking a driver's test.

All you gotta know is a few simple hand signals.

Such as right turn...

left turn... ♪♪

There's a wise guy in every crowd.

Lily, what time is dinner?

As soon as Herman gets here. Good.

I've got some things drying out down in the lab.

Well, do you think they'll spoil? I hope so.

Grandpa, would you get me the eggplant?

Uncle Herman's been down at the motor vehicle bureau a long time.

I hope he doesn't have any trouble with his license.

I just hope he finds the place.

Hi, everybody.

How did you make out on your test, Uncle Herman?

What's for supper?

Herman.

Marilyn asked you, "How did you make out on your test?"

I got one question right.

I flunked.

Herman, you goofed it again!

They ask all kinds of trick questions.

Like, which is the right-hand side of the street and everything.

Herman, you can't flunk.

You need the license in order to get the promotion.

I'd rather not talk about that right now.

Eggplant! My favorite!

This just isn't my day.

Hi, Spot. Look what Eddie has for you.

Eddie, please be quiet. Your father's in the dungeon with Grandpa.

He's studying for his driving test.

What are you doing with that can opener?

I was going to feed Spot like they do Lassie on television.

That's not necessary, dear.

That's a good boy. That'll keep your coat shiny.

Now, Herman.

The first line.

"Xerblawe kybnotly..."

Herman.

"zimlurog."

Herman, you big klutz. This is not a reading test.

This is an eye test!

Okay. Your eyes are all right.

Probably as good as the day they were put in.

We'll go over the written test.

On approaching a school bus, do you slow down and pass on the left...

do you continue at normal speed... No.

Or do you pass on the right?

Now, which do you do?

None of them.

I stop and wave at the kids.

Sometimes I make faces and neat stuff like that.

The way you're going, not even Hertz could put you in the driver's seat.

Here's one I'm sure you can answer without making a federal case about it.

Approaching an intersection, who has the right of way?

The guy with the biggest car.

No, Herman, that's only in California.

Look, I'll draw a diagram for you and I'm sure that'll make it easier, okay?

This...

is an intersection.

This is your car...

and this is a pedestrian.

Now what do you do?

What do I do?

Well, I do this.

I do this.

Then I do this.

And I do this.

And I do this and I've got you.

Tic-tac-toe!

Hello? Who?

Mr. Gateman from the parlor.

Thank you. You sound very natural, too.

Herman isn't here at the moment, but...

His first assignment as a driver is Monday.

Wonderful.

No, you haven't made a mistake, Mr. Gateman.

I know that in his new job Herman can deliver the goods.

Good-bye.

Who was that, Aunt Lily?

Herman's boss, Mr. Gateman. Herman starts his new job Monday.

Oh dear.

He just has to pass that driving test. If he doesn't, he'll lose his job.

And you know how reluctant companies are to...

hire people when they're up in their 150s.

George, it's been a long day. I'm calling it quits.

I'm sorry, Fred, I have one more inside for you to run through the driver's test.

One more? Come on. Look at the time.

I know, but it took this applicant...

four and a half hours to finish the written test.

Four and a half hours? The average is 16 minutes.

It took him that long to sign his name.

This bird sounds like a beaut. What's he like?

You gotta see him to believe him.

Hi, there!

Hi. Hi.

I see him, but I don't believe him.

I had him take the test in my office.

We had people climbing the walls when he came in.

Mr. Munster, Mr. Howell here will be giving you your driver's test.

My pleasure.

Me, too.

Me, too.

I see by your application, you're applying for a commercial license.

You gonna be a cab driver?

You might say that.

Sort of a one-way cab driver.

Since you're applying for a commercial license...

your test will be a little more extensive than the regular test.

You've got your car here? Yup.

My heap's right over there.

Oh, boy! If I weren't due for a promotion, I'd turn in my badge.

Good luck, both of you.

Thanks, pal.

Very good, Mr. Munster.

Did I go a little too fast for you?

To the contrary, I think you might run the course again and...

speed it up a little.

Speed it up?

Yes, sir.

Well, well, well.

My, my, my.

I've never seen such driving, Mr. Munster.

That was perfect.

Thank you. Yes.

Say, listen, maybe you can ride again with me sometime.

Maybe I can.

My boss is always looking for new business.

Oh, yes.

No, thank you.

That's your temporary license, Mr. Munster.

Your permanent license will be sent to you by mail shortly.

Thank you. You've been very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good evening.

And a good one to you, too.

Oh, boy.

I got my license, which means I got my promotion...

which means I get to drive the hearse.

And they say, "It's what's up front that counts."

Now, Herman, don't feel badly about not getting your license.

Mr. Gateman will probably give you your job back.

But, Lily, you don't know how humiliating it's gonna be.

After all the talk there's been about my promotion down at the parlor.

You mean your fellow employees will make fun of you?

Make fun of me?

When I get back to my old job, they'll all throw dirt in my face.

The shame of it!

If you're through moaning, Herman, I'd like to offer a little suggestion.

What's your little suggestion?

If you went to a small town, some little out-of-the-way place...

maybe they wouldn't be so rough on you when they gave you your driving test.

What small town could I go to?

Let's look at the map.

"Middleton, Stanwood."

Here we are.

Just the kind of small town you can go to.

Groverville!

Hello? It's you, Mr. Gateman.

Well, you missed Herman again.

No. There's nothing wrong.

He's just out on a little errand with Grandpa.

Where are you, at the office?

I see. At the country club playing golf.

How was your game?

You shot six pars, two birdies and a vulture?

Very good, Mr. Gateman.

I'll tell Herman you called. Good-bye.

"Groverville Courthouse, Justice of the Peace...

"Registrar of Voters, Clerk of the Court...

"Magistrate, License Bureau Chief!"

That's the one we're looking for, Herman.

What does that last one say?

"Live bait. Night crawlers sold."

Golly, Grandpa, am I nervous.

I just gotta pass this driver's test.

Herman, just keep your fingers crossed.

How do you do?

Howdy do to you, too.

Hi, there.

We've come about a license.

My, my, you make a cute couple.

I'll get Myrtle over at the coffee shop as a witness...

and have the knot tied in no time at all.

Hello, Emma?

Get me Myrtle, would you, please?

Sir.

Sir!

It's not that kind of a license.

You want a license to burn garbage, do you?

No, no.

I don't want to burn it or marry it. I just want to drive it.

You want a driver's license.

Then first, you've got to take an eye test. Come right over here.

Now then.

Now then, you see this chart?

Yes. You passed.

Now come the questions and the answers.

Hello?

Hello, Myrtle. Well, a couple over here...

well, they wanted you as a witness...

but they chickened out at the last minute.

All right, Myrtle. Bye-bye.

Now then.

What kind of a dog did you say you have?

Well, actually, we have a cat. A big black one and...

No, no, I want a driver's license.

Well now, cats don't need driver's licenses.

Sir.

My son-in-law wants the driver's license.

Then first I've got to ask you some questions. Now look, sonny, I...

Hey, you're up there a long way, ain't you?

Thank you, but could you ask me the questions, please?

Yes, the questions, right.

Now then.

Question number one:

When you're driving along the street in your car...

and you hear a sound like this...

what do you do?

I'm driving along the street and I hear...

Yes, Emma?

Yes, I heard it, too.

Right away.

Where are you going?

To a fire! Somebody just sounded the siren!

That was you.

I don't care who...

So it was.

Ought to do something about people who turn in false alarms.

Mister, could I please get my license?

I can't give you a license without taking your thumbprints.

Now, give me your thumb.

No, no.

It's not me, it's him.

Give me your thumb.

Which one?

Oh, my, my, my.

Two thumbs on one hand. Look at that.

Reminds me of my cousin Waldo.

He has two thumbs on one hand?

No, on one foot.

You ought to see that boy deal a deck of cards.

Put them down here.

Press hard.

There you are.

Now there's only one thing left.

I gotta see how you can drive.

And if you pass that test, then you'll get your license.

Okay, let her go.

Stop.

Excellent driver. You passed.

Passed?

But I didn't even drive it out on the highway.

And with me in it, you ain't going to.

I'm scared to death with them crazy drivers out there whizzing along.

Here's your license. Thank you.

Thank you very much. It's all right.

Come see me again sometime...

if I can get out of this trunk.

Lovely couple.

But I forgot to kiss the bride.

Grandpa. Marilyn.

Grandpa.

Herman promised to drive by and show off the hearse on the way to the parlor.

He should be here soon.

Hey, everybody. Pop's coming down the street.

I hope he's driving one of those big 12-cylinder jobs.

Hey, Pop!

Uncle Herman! Heavens to Betsy!

It'll never work.

I didn't need the driver's license after all.

Mr. Gateman is breaking me in on the economy package.