Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Hello?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Hey.

Argh.

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to Taskmaster, the great leveller.

Comedians come with their plaudits

and their impressive careers and achievements

and soon realise that, in this arena,

they're just people,

simply humans taking on life's challenges.

Which throws up the question I get asked in

the street all the time,

"Will we, the members of the public, ever get to be on the show?"

No, not on my watch.

Why?

I simply don't want you on it.

Ever.

Leave it!

Line drawn. Let's move on.

Let's meet the people who deserve to be here.

They are

Ania Magliano...

CHEERING

..Maisie Adam...

CHEERING

..Phil Ellis,

Reece Shearsmith,

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar.

CHEERING

And next to me, a lover, a fighter, a bit of a biter,

he's got a wonky tooth and his hair's got much whiter...

..it's little Alex Horne.

Thank you.

CHEERING

What are we chatting about?

I've got my first Swiss arm.

LAUGHTER

This guy can do anything.

You want your phone charged? You get it.

Ooh.

Would you like to measure a circumference?

OK then.

Is it retractable?

Sort, sort of.

Oh, you've got some noodles?

I've got some chopsticks.

There's still some noodles in your teeth.

It's OK, I've got floss.

Would you like everything to be a bit more mysterious?

Yes, please. Oh.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha!

Wow. And those are all the functions.

And so on we march.

What's the prize task category, please?

Well, this one could take a while, Greg,

because they've each brought in

the object that is hardest to describe.

Ooh. Most indescribable wins five points.

And all five objects will go home with the episode winner,

who will then struggle to describe them to whoever they live with,

if they do live with other people.

I haven't asked them about that sort of thing yet.

All right, then.

Phil, what's your indescribable object?

Uh, I've brought in the, uh, the treaty of Versailles.

Here it is. The actual one?

Yeah, yeah. I pulled a few strings.

LAUGHTER

Do you know anything about the Treaty of Versailles?

It's well, it's just bringing Versailles together, wasn't it?

You know, like, "Come on guys. Come on, Versailles.

"We all want a holiday here." Yeah.

"Let's put our differences aside, reopen the water park,

"and let's have a lovely Bank Holiday Monday."

Are you saying that you can't describe

the Treaty of Versailles cos you don't know what it's about?

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

Ania, have you got something that's impossible to describe?

I think you should just show it,

and you tell me if you can describe it.

Ooh, power move.

OK, Greg, try to describe this.

OK.

LAUGHTER

A box of shit?

LAUGHTER

No, it's got other stuff in it.

Uh, a lightbulb.

Yeah, but you don't know what lamp it's from.

Yeah, she's got me. Yeah.

I think you're impressed, but you're trying to fight it.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

What would be my motivation for fighting it?

Childhood?

LAUGHTER

She's right, isn't she, Mum?

Maisie? Yeah, I've brought in being in the womb.

LAUGHTER

We've all been there, but can any of us describe it?

Can you remember it? I can't.

Can you describe what it was like when we there? I can't.

We weren't in it together, but like...

LAUGHTER

But, yeah, being in the womb.

So here is the womb. There it is.

It's really good.

It's the only prize I wanna win.

LAUGHTER

Sanjeev, can you do better or worse?

Oh, worse. Let's go.

Just have a look at it, yeah.

Oh. I mean, is it a...

Go for it. ..electronic game?

Well, it's a fidget toy, isn't it?

Yeah, but that's what it is, that's not a description of it.

No. Oh, that's very much a description of it. No, it isn't.

It's like saying there's a man outside.

Yeah. Does that describe him? No.

OK, so it's a... He's right.

..a handheld tool for focus and relief.

LAUGHTER

What did I tell you about deleting your internet history?

Reece? I have brought in an item from my cabinet of curiosities.

Here is his item.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. I absolutely hate it.

LAUGHTER

I'll let you into a secret. I made it.

And... Get, get out of town.

What is the head?

It was an owl.

And I took the face off.

I, I absolutely hate it.

OK, we've seen all five. OK.

Which is the easiest to describe, Greg?

The easiest is the well-known Treaty of Versailles.

I was tossing up between

the box of rubbish and the fidget game,

and I've decided to give fidget game two points

because it is recognisable as a kind of game... OK.

..whereas this is just boxes of weird stuff that's not connected,

so it's a little harder to describe.

Three points. Womb or thing?

Womb or thing?

I think probably I'll have to give thing four points

because there are things I recognise about the thing,

but I've got no concept of, uh,

being in the womb, so I must give that five points.

Very good. Wow. Well done.

CHEERING

Let's get on with a task proper, please.

Right away.

And we begin with

a quick sense check followed by some se-Greg-gation.

Here we go, good luck.

Ooh.

Hello? Hi.

Who's that?

It's Maisie.

Oh. Who are you?

Ania. Should I do something?

You should open the task.

Oh, God, right, OK.

Sorry.

This is quite sexy, isn't it?

I feel like I should be putting a coin in a slot,

and I get to see you for like 30 seconds whilst you dance.

Right, I'll crack on with this.

LAUGHTER

Identify Alex's five things.

You may only use one sense.

If you choose hearing, you get five points per item.

Smell, four points.

Taste, three points.

Touch, two points.

Sight, one point.

Oh.

Highest total score wins.

You have a maximum of ten minutes.

Your time starts as soon as you have decided which sense you

will be using.

And I'm looking for an adjective and a noun.

An adjective?

I would like you to tell me which sense you're gonna be using. Ugh.

And I'm gonna go for hearing.

Do you know? What the hell? Let's go for hearing.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, go out in a blaze of glory.

I'm gonna go smell.

On the board between us... Uh-huh.

..there is a tiny little triangle shape.

Nose-ish.

Am I gonna have to put my nose in the hole?

You're gonna have to put your nose in the hole.

Was I gonna have to put my tongue in the hole?

You were gonna have to put your tongue in the hole.

OK I think I've made a good decision.

I'm gonna go right down the middle. I'm gonna go taste.

I'll do tasting.

Sure? Go taste all the way down. Yeah.

So what I need you to do is put the blindfold on,

the nose clip, and the ear defenders.

Oh, flipping heck. What's that?

Eye mask is on.

OK, it's on.

Right, there we go.

Nose clip on?

Well, what do you think?

APPLAUSE

All these series, and at last,

we finally have a facial glory hole on the show.

Sanjeev, you chose hearing. Yeah, I did.

And said, "Because I intend to go out in a blaze of glory."

Absolutely.

And yet, I sense you couldn't care less.

LAUGHTER

Marvellous. Who are we seeing first?

Well, we're gonna see one lone identifier to begin with.

Using only her sense of smell,

it is Ania's Maglia-nose.

Here we go.

Ah!

Please put your nose through the nose hole.

Coming through.

Sniff.

Oh, this is really hard.

SHE SNIFFS

I'm going to say a fashionable watch.

Fashionable watch.

Item number two.

Yes, please.

Next item.

It's got hay or something.

It kind of smells like the London dungeons.

I'm just gonna turn it the other way up.

OK.

Sniff.

Oh, less of a smell on that side.

Can I have the first side again, please?

Oh, I, oh, God, this is really frustrating.

You've only got 2.5 minutes.

OK, I'm gonna go scarecrow.

OK. Is that your full answer?

No.

Sciggledy, is it?

Item four. Sniff.

Cor, something smells a bit like coffee.

OK.

Why do you think it's cold?

Cos it smells cold.

May I have the last item, please?

Here it comes.

Ooh, that smells nice.

It smells like yoghurt.

Coconutty yoghurt? Yeah.

That's the end, Ania. Well done, and goodbye.

OK. See you one day.

See you one day.

APPLAUSE

Interestingly, uh, away from the context of your face,

your nose looks prosthetic, I think.

It looks like a sort of lone soldier going over the,

into the battlefield. Yeah.

"I can handle this. I'll go over the top myself."

Yeah. "Stay there, face."

Yeah.

What did she say tiny cow to?

The wet teeth you thought was a tiny cow.

MAISIE AND ANIA: Wet teeth? Wet teeth. Yes, they were wet teeth.

Oh, my God. It is disgusting.

They were real wet teeth.

But cows are made of milk.

No, cows have milk in them.

And calcium. Teeth have calcium in them.

So that's what I was probably picking up on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got the calcium coming through your nose.

Anyway, the yoghurt she got some points at last.

Yeah, she chose smell, so it was four points per correct item.

She got the yoghurt. She said coconut yoghurt.

It wasn't coconut. It was a plain grey yoghurt.

But we'll give her the four for saying yoghurt. You wanna give four?

Oh, God. Even though it was coconut yoghurt? Thank you.

Look, uh, mate, we're sticking hair on staplers.

We'll give her this.

Next? Yes, please.

It's Maisie and Reece, who both have great taste, or do they?

I'm just gonna create a little hole for your mouth.

Excellent.

Ooh. That's my finger. That's your finger.

That's where your mouth is gonna go.

OK, I'm ready. Right.

I would love to see your mouth.

There it is.

LAUGHTER

Can I kneel?

You do whatever you're comfortable with.

Go. Are you ready for item number 1?

Yes. Have a taste of this.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Pop it in my mouth. In your mouth?

I need to get a good grip on its texture.

OK, here it comes. I'm trying to make it. Thank you.

Yeah, there we go.

SUCKING

That's a frozen flannel.

Frozen flannel. Yeah.

You've spent 4.5 minutes on item number one.

Oh, oh, my God move on. Here we go.

Frozen cloth.

I would ask you to not consume this.

Ready? Mm-hm.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Are they, uh...?

I hope they're not teeth, are they?

Do you want me to write down human teeth? No.

Don't write down teeth.

Uh, feels like they are little plastic beads.

Right, plastic beads, and I've crossed out human teeth. Yeah.

Wet beads.

Wet beads. Yeah.

Item number three.

Could you put it in my mouth?

Hmm, I suppose so.

Go on.

Ugh.

Would you like the other way up?

No, I don't want to do that again.

It's like putting my tongue into a...

..a furry hole.

It's a set of scissors.

A lovely pair of scissors.

You think we'd let you lick scissors, do you? No.

A furry keyring.

A hairy comb. Lovely.

Good boy.

Oh.

Is it jam?

What's the word when jam has got bits in it?

Bitty jam.

Caramelised sugar. Yeah.

One more item. Yeah.

I need your mouth. Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Uh...

LAUGHTER

Is that the hole? If you want.

Ready?

LAUGHTER

Oh.

Here it comes.

There we go.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I know that!

Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Right, what is it?

Uh, I'm gonna say a spoonful of yoghurt.

Yoghurt. It's yoghurt. It's yoghurt.

I need an adjective.

It's, uh... Uh...

Strawberry yoghurt.

Plain. It is a strawberry yoghurt.

Greek.

Plain, plain. Keep plain.

You can take everything off now.

You may not look this side.

See you later.

APPLAUSE

I mean, there were so many disturbing images.

Your mouth coming through my nose eating yoghurt is absolutely one of

the most horrific things I've ever seen.

There's all sorts of half marks there, I think.

Yeah, frozen flannel, frozen cloth, how many points?

Well, 1.5 points each. 1.5 points each. Yeah.

We got wet beads or plastic beads.

Or human teeth. Formerly human teeth.

It is extraordinary for him to have got teeth,

so I have to give him something.

We're going 1.5, 1.5 again? Yeah, 1.5.

Give him another 1.5. Yeah.

OK, then we've got furry keyring or hairy comb.

Yeah, so 1.5 each.

Sugar. It was sticky sprinkles or bitty jam.

I don't think bitty jam.

Don't think bitty jam gets anything.

Nothing for bitty jam. Anything for caramelised sugar?

Come on, we're not breaking things down to their constituent parts.

So nothing for jam or sugar.

Finally, it's strawberry yoghurt or plain yoghurt.

Plain yoghurt... Hmm. ..is the full three points.

Course it is. Hmm. And half marks for strawberry yoghurt?

Yes, of course, cos it's not strawberry but it is yoghurt.

OK.

Right I'll get to the point quickly.

It's break time. Bye!

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, they were trying

to work out what five things I had on my side of

the divider using only one of their senses.

We've seen Ania guessing with her smell,

Maisie and Reece with their taste,

and now, finally, it's Phil and Sanjeev's turn with their ears.

Oh, God.

It's not gonna be at the most convenient height.

What angle do you want me at?

Just tell me where you want me to be.

I just wanna gr... Ow!

Right, that looks... Who was this designed for?

That looks perfect. What?

Are you ready to start listening? I'm ready.

Well, here's item number one. Ready to listen carefully? Yeah.

But then it could be...

Oh, God, what is that?

Is it a mossy walk?

A mossy walk?

Yeah, no, scrap that.

It's a...

It sounds like a scourer.

Like, a green scourer.

A green scourer.

It doesn't have to be a colour, does it? No.

I'm gonna go cleaning cloth.

Next item.

Oh, I don't like it.

Dice. What sort of dice?

Small. Small dice, OK.

A brush of some kind. A brush?

Hard-bristled brush.

A hard-bristled brush. Yeah.

Right, so we're going down the cleaning route so far. Yeah.

Item number three.

LAUGHTER

Are you still there, Sanjeev?

Yeah, just about.

Uh, I don't understand what your rubbing is.

Is it a stapler?

Fabric stapler. A what stapler?

That's not a thing, is it?

What am I writing down?

Fabric stapler, please.

OK, your ear's a bit low.

APPLAUSE

Grabby thing.

That sounds like a grabby thing with a spring.

Am I writing down grabby thing?

Yeah, you might as well.

I haven't got anything better.

Metallic grabby thing.

A metallic grabby thing. Yeah.

Item number four. Listen very carefully to this.

Uh-huh.

Oh, fuck.

I don't know.

Is it comb? No, toothbrush.

What's the adjective?

Child's toothbrush.

Is it a scourer? A plastic scourer.

Plastic scourer, lovely.

Final item.

DRIPPING

Is it...? It's really relaxing.

Sounds like a small fountain

that you'd find in a massage parlour, apparently.

You know, it could, it could be a ping-pong ball.

LAUGHTER

Could be a ping-pong ball or a bat.

It's a catheter.

It's one of those water things.

The bird that keeps dipping.

Desk toy.

Yeah, that's a straw moving a ping-pong ball in a jar of water.

Wow, very specific, that one.

Would you like to hear any again?

No.

Ever.

Thanks very much. Cheers, Sanjeev.

APPLAUSE

Well, so I thought it was gonna be a total disaster

with your first guess, mossy walk.

We've all been on one.

But the big one, he landed the big fish, fabric stapler.

Wow. Yeah. Just with his ears.

APPLAUSE

Sanjeev. Hello.

There was a period where you were very still,

and your head was against it,

and I genuinely thought you were fully asleep.

I...

I had passed out.

Uh, and then I was awoken by, uh, a strange noise.

Was it metallic grabby thing?

You know, in a way, that does describe a stapler, doesn't it?

I'm gonna give you 2.5 marks for metallic grabby thing.

APPLAUSE

Very generous of you, thank you.

Well, I guess that means that Sanjeev, you got 2.5 points.

You're in last place, so you get one actual point.

Ah. Blaze of glory!

LAUGHTER

Ania, you get two points.

Phil, you get three points.

Maisie, you come second. You get four points.

But in first place, he scored 7.5 points, it's Reece Shearsmith!

He gets the five points!

He licked human teeth to victory.

Let's see the scoreboard.

Well, we're in familiar territory.

Sanjeev's in last place on three,

but at the top, it's Reece and Maisie on nine points!

APPLAUSE

Very good. Another task right away, please.

OK, I have the first team task for you, Greg,

and it's going to be super.

GREG WHISTLES

Hello, Alex.

Hello, Maisie.

What can you see?

Two ducks in a bath.

It's difficult to remember what was here before, isn't it?

In a way, yeah. It is for...

Hi. Hi, Reece.

How are you? Yeah, good, thanks.

Nice to meet you. You all right? Nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, you all right?

Reece, Maisie, Maisie, Reece.

Hi, how are you? Hi. Yeah, very well.

Good. Very well. You're a team.

We're a team! Excellent, we're gonna be a team!

This is exciting. Oh, I thought you were a task. Oh.

Like, I thought you were... No, I'm a real person.

This duck is wearing the same clothes as me.

So the ducks are all of us.

ANIA GASPS

Hello. Hello. I'm Ania.

Hi, Ania. Sanjeev. Nice to meet you.

No way.

LAUGHTER

Hello. Oh, hey, guys.

You all right?

Hello, hello, pal, you all right? Hello, there. Hello.

Hello. How are you? Lovely. First time meeting.

Yeah, yeah. The three of you are a team.

I feel like I'm part of a family, finally.

There's a task behind you.

What? Oh.

Go on.

Do you want to look at it? Shall I look at it? No, you do it.

"Each team member must hook a duck.

"Silently read the duck's superpower."

"Then use that superpower for

"the next task in ten minutes from now.

"At no point may you tell your teammates your superpower.

"Your time starts now."

OK, so let me get this straight.

We've got a superpower that's coming, but we don't say what it is.

We don't know what that is yet. And in the meantime, we do hook a duck.

Yes. OK. You must stay behind that red line, please.

Pretty, pretty cool guy on there.

Yeah.

He's like George Michael, isn't he?

Write his superpower on the little clipboard.

You have two minutes.

Your time starts now.

Oh, is it meant to be you cos of its gap in its teeth?

Ah!

Soz!

Oh, it is actually you?

Got your abs and your crotch.

I think that's a good superpower.

Come on. There we go. Are you ready?

Yeah. OK, I've got it.

Who have you got? Maisie, I... Oh, wait, I'm...

Sorry.

Oh, God! Oh, no, Phil.

Don't show each other your superpowers, but have a read.

Can morph into George Michael at any given moment.

OK, the next task will start in eight minutes.

Please go into the house and prepare yourselves.

APPLAUSE

I mean, there's a lot going on in this task, isn't there?

But I think I understand.

Hm, they've all got superpowers now.

And they'd previously made up the superpowers themselves.

That's right.

Well, we can see another introduction video if you want.

That's what I was hoping for.

Let's do it. Here we go.

Come on, Maise.

Ah, welcome team.

Oh.

I remember this guy. Yeah.

Shall we go for it? Let's have a look.

What is that? Is it cake?

It is Alex on a meringue?

"Remove the most flour from the tray without touching flour

"with your hands or moving little, little Alex Horne."

"If little, little Alex Horne moves at any point,

"you are disqualified."

Oh, no!

"You must take it in turns to remove flour,

"and you must employ your superpowers."

"There's a bonus point for

"the contestant who employs their superpower most effectively."

"Most flour in the bowl wins.

"You have a maximum of 15 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

So you can stop at any time.

Oh. Oh, right, so we need to know when to tap out.

Exactly.

When you say we can't move him, does it,

what about his cape if it flaps?

Yeah, what if his cape flaps?

Is that movement? Yeah.

I'm gonna be watching his body.

We asked you about the cape flaps.

I've never heard the term cape flaps.

It's out of the bag. The cape may flap.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I'm amazed to watch some,

some adults debating whether cape flaps are movement in a human being.

I enjoyed it.

So it's a very big buildup for this,

but we're not gonna see what happened till after the break, Greg.

Oh, my God!

End of part two, anyone?

Yes, please!

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Thank you, and welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.

And tonight, I'm going to part three like it's 1999.

LAUGHTER

Before the break...

..they each selected a superpower they had previously created.

And now they have to use those powers

while removing as much flour as possible without

toppling the super little Alex Horne figurine.

Here's how they all got on.

He can't move.

And we've gotta get all that flour into there? Yeah.

And deploy the superpower. Yeah.

Do you think that we will be able to do it?

Yeah, deffo.

I think you're lying.

But anyway, let's... What do you mean?

I don't know. I've just got a feeling. Look what I've got.

That's...good.

Why don't, uh...

Sanjeev is already.

Yeah, good idea. Oh, that's good, yeah.

What is the scientific way that he would be not falling?

Well, maybe I can help.

Hello? Hiya, is that Andrew?

It is, yes.

Hi. Uh, this is your brother, Phil.

So, uh, we've got a tiny version of Alex Horne.

I've gotta get the flour away without him moving.

Uh, telekinesis?

That's not gonna work. Um, thanks, though.

Is that your half-brother? Step-brother?

What made you think we were step-brother?

That's my full brother. Really? Really?

Yeah, yeah, why?

Just didn't sound right.

I know. I think he panicked.

How come you've got such good items for this very task?

I know. I'm really happy here.

Do you think somebody knew what the tasks were?

Do you think there's been some foul play?

No, and I know that to be true

because I know that to be true.

Um...

Can I prepare my superpower to go after Phil?

Do whatever you want.

Is that the super power?

Yeah.

That's probably the most so far, actually.

We're back to Sanjeev. I've got an idea.

I'm gonna use this as a straight edge,

and then we can scoop that without worrying about..

Yeah, yeah.

Hello? So, Andrew, Sanjeev is using a, uh, a,

a letter now to move the flour.

Does that sound like a good idea? Yes.

Thanks, see you later.

You are my real, my brother, though, aren't you?

I can confirm I am your actual brother, yes.

Fully?

Fully. You don't need to know the details.

See you, bro.

Oh, that looks good. That's it.

This is good, Reece.

You've got a good momentum going.

This is my son.

Come on, boy, be good for Daddy.

OK. Come on, boy.

This is your son, is it, Phil?

Yeah, Tarquin.

There's old Tarquin.

He's got his dad's eyes.

Oh, Alex, can I have my big one?

Oh. The big one now, please.

That, that's a suck, is it?

Oh.

You've got 7.5 minutes. I think I'm gonna go for these.

Ah! Ah!

VACUUM SLOWLY DIES

LAUGHTER

I think we've done quite well, actually.

We're all... Yeah. Ooh!

Oh! Oh, no!

And that's your time up.

Oh!

You were about 15 seconds away from completing the task.

I'm happy with that. Thanks, team. Bye-bye.

Thanks, guys.

APPLAUSE

I am tempted to spend

the whole time discussing why Ania doubts

the bloodline of Phil's family.

I just thought the conversation felt quite stilted, no offence.

Maisie, you had a better superpower for the job.

Yeah. And you were certainly very excited when you realised.

Have we got a still? Yes.

LAUGHTER

But looking at you guys, like you,

you were really powering ahead.

We were slow, weren't we? All that chopping into it was good, Sanjeev.

Yeah, I think you had a better strategy. Yeah.

Oh, the slow and steady science-based approach was a delight to watch.

It was like an Aesop's fable. It really was.

And I had a little nap in the middle.

Both teams absolutely failed. So it's simply this.

There is a bonus point for the contestant who employs

their superpower most effectively.

Slow, steady, powerful, I'm gonna give Sanjeev the bonus point.

OK, so zero, zero, zero, zero,

one point to Sanjeev Bhaskar!

APPLAUSE

Well done, Sanjeev. Thank you very much.

Do you have another task, Alex, please?

I'm sure I can pull one out of the bag for you, Greg.

Here we go.

Lovely floral print.

Your sort of thing.

What's this? We're in the dome, you've got a bag.

Yeah.

Do I look in it?

What are you looking for?

A task.

You want the task? Yeah.

Sure. Make a wish.

Make a wish? Yeah.

Why would I make a wish?

To make the task appear.

I wish a task appeared.

That's it, keep wishing.

ANIA GASPS

Oh, my God, that's so magical.

Aha.

Oh, God!

I wish a task would appear.

OBJECT CLATTERS

LAUGHTER

That's dead impressive.

What a funny little way to start the task.

"Take the most surprising thing out of this bag."

This is a Mary Poppins thing.

I've just got it. She had a big bag.

"You have a maximum of..."

"..15 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

"Take the most surprising thing out of this bag."

"Take the most surprising thing out of this...

"..bag."

Shall I go and get things, put them in,

then that'd be a surprise when they come out again?

Exactly that.

Just don't understand the task.

"Take the most surprising thing."

I could put stuff in the bag to take out. OK.

That's what we do, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Fascinating what this show does, doesn't it?

I know for a fact that Maisie is

an incredibly intelligent woman,

and yet she came across there as

a new Coronation Street character who's adorable but thick.

It's just the pressure.

The pressure, it just does something to you.

OK, let's crack on.

OK, they've gotta take something surprising out of the bag.

Here is Ania and Sania.

Sanjeev. Here we go.

A chicken. There's a chicken in the bag.

Chicken in the bag.

OK, thanks, Ania.

Very surprising.

One more thing.

Oh, there's a can in the chicken in the bag.

You sound surprised.

I am.

Shall we go and get a can opener?

Right.

Can't wait.

Ladies and gentlemen...

..in the blue corner, we have...

..Ingemar Johansson,

the great Scandinavian boxer.

What do you think might be inside this can?

Beans.

What is it?

Jam. Jam?

It comes off, surprise.

And, uh, what will you find in

the great Ingemar Johansson's boxing glove?

I don't know.

His hand.

Thank you, Ania.

Jam in a can in a chicken in a bag.

Let's just check if there's anything inside this jam.

LAUGHTER

Look at that.

So there, there was a bean in the can.

Hm, but by the time that we came round to it, that was surprising.

Thank you, Ania. But wait.

LAUGHTER

Surely, there can't be anything inside this little bean.

A message. Inside the bean.

Inside the bean.

"Greg, I am your daughter."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I knew it! I knew it!

That's why I was so comfortable seeing your nose... Yeah.

..in my nose.

Majorca 1998.

Tell me about it.

Oh, my God. Well, they're both good.

I mean as, uh, to, to mention a Swedish boxer.

He won the world title in, uh, '59, '60,

something like that. Yeah, thought so, yeah.

Of course!

I was surprised to have him referenced.

Ah, well, so was I, yeah.

I was surprised that his severed hand was in the glove.

And most of all, I was surprised,

I think Sanjeev was enjoying himself during that task.

But I have to say, Ania's one is one of the best things I've ever seen.

Ah. So there is that.

I mean, I was impressed when, uh,

you had jam in a can up a chicken's cloaca...

..before I find out that you're my beloved daughter.

Yeah, it's, uh, quite a journey, I think.

For both of us.

But it's nice to finally be reunited.

Yeah, it's great. I don't really wanna hang out, though.

LAUGHTER

A boxer and a daughter. Wanna see some more?

I wanna see more than a boxer and a daughter, all right.

OK, next, it's two people who sound like four people.

Maisie, Adam, Phil, Ellis.

Very fun.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six.

You're looking pretty surprised, Alex.

Right.

Huh?

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Huh?

Right. I just tip it back I suppose, is it?

Oh, there's a donkey dressed as a chicken in the bag.

Oui! With a French lady on it.

A donkey dressed as a chicken in a feather bao with

a French lady in a Hawaiian bra and a accordion.

Well, I wasn't expecting that. No.

Thank you, Maisie.

Oh, ooh! Ooh!

Oh.

Ah, surprising?

Well, I thought it might be a fish.

That's not the surprising bit.

Just gotta gut it.

Now, that's the surprising bit.

It's Greg. There we are.

Well, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

So, Maisie, there was

a surprising chicken-donkey-French-Hawaiian

accordion player.

Oui. Yeah.

But I wasn't really that surprised

because I could see you straight away.

No, honestly, we can just skip through.

Yeah.

OK, Phil, everyone knows that, uh,

a lot of fishing rods are extendable,

so when you started doing that old trick,

I thought, "This is disappointing."

It's not at all surprising.

And then when there was a fish on the end of the line,

I thought, "That's a bit disappointing."

Yeah. And that's when you hit me with the big surprise.

You found a photograph of me where I'm quite clearly hammered.

Yeah.

And vulnerable, some would say.

That was the night I was conceived.

So the photo, we can see, see the photo here.

Just so you know, Greg, your teeth there,

it's actually your date of birth on your teeth,

and it's your phone number on your arm.

My actual phone number?

Yeah, that's why we've blurred it slightly. Ah, that's good.

But I've got it, Ania, if you want it.

OK, yeah, thanks.

It's break time once more.

In the final part of the show, the winner will head home

with the Treaty of Versailles tucked under one arm,

a replica womb under the other,

and a deep-rooted sense that time is running out

and they should hold their loved ones that little bit closer.

See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the final part of the show,

where people are pulling things out of bags.

Yes, they have to do that because you told them to do that with

a typed letter sealed with wax,

and people very rarely question the logic of what is

the main principle of the show.

There's just one person left to see, and it's Reece Shearsmith.

A bag. Surprising, yes?

Yes.

Ooh!

What is this?

All right? All right.

Dartboard.

Bone.

Baby head.

I'm sorry, but I defy anyone to have expected that.

Task envelope.

Interesting.

Uh, "Hit the spot with a bone to pick from

"the pea-brained baby."

Surprising.

Solve the riddle.

"Hit the spot."

Well, this is a target, so what would...?

Target that's a plate that would...

Bit of food that would hit the spot, who knows?

Let's see...what the next part of the riddle is.

"With a bone to pick."

So there's the bone.

"To pick." We've got a plate. Perhaps somehow this...

Well, I never.

A bone that becomes a spoon?

I'm sorry, but that's a surprise.

And, uh...the pea-brained baby.

Well, now, pea brain.

Bon appetit.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Bit surprising, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Weren't expecting that, were you? I wasn't.

Right. There.

Have you got anything to go with this?

Anything else in the bag?

Oh, yeah.

Ah, lovely.

I'd say that was very surprising.

Get out. Yeah, in one bag.

Wow. OK, thanks, Reeces.

OK. See you later.

See you. See you later.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That was brilliant.

Brilliant. Well done.

So it's a cloned man mopping up baby brains with a baguette?

Yeah, pretty much.

Brilliant. Well, God, what a drama.

It looked extravagant.

OK, do you want some points?

I guess so, yes.

Well, we know what the least surprising thing in the bag was.

It was Maisie's.

No one's gonna get two points.

Because I think there was a considerable

jump in quality after Maisie.

Let's say three points to Sanjeev's that I enjoyed immensely. Right.

Uh, four points to Phil.

And the baby brains

and discovering I've got a daughter, I couldn't separate.

They both horrified me.

And you're pleased.

And I'm pleased.

Thank you, Daddy.

LAUGHTER

Five points to Ania and five points to Reece.

APPLAUSE

Let us glance at the scores once more.

Yes, well Ania and Maisie are in joint second on ten,

but in the lead with 14 points, it's Reece.

APPLAUSE

OK, please stay right where you are

for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.

ALL: Hello.

Alex, who's going to read the task?

Maisie's gonna read the task.

Please, Maisie.

"Guess how many things

"the Taskmaster's assistant has on him.

"Worst answer is eliminated.

"But there is a bonus of five actual points

"if you are exactly ten out at any time.

"Last player standing wins."

What? What?

Shall we explain it?

Yes, so there's gonna be four rounds.

So I'm gonna go behind that screen and come out with some things.

You've gotta work out or guess how

many of those things I've got on me.

Right. OK.

If you're ten away at any point, you get five genuine points for

the actual show.

Oh. Are you ready for the...? I... Oh, hello, Sanjeev.

Uh, sorry, yes, I may have a nap during this.

Unfortunately, Sanjeev, even if you're out, you do have

to carry on in case you get this bonus.

Ah. I know. Hm, tricky.

LAUGHTER

Greg, would you like me to go behind the screen?

Go behind the screen.

It's time for round one.

OK.

The first category.

"How many babies has Alex got on him?"

Can Alex spin around?

Alex can't spin around holding babies.

LAUGHTER

Reveal your baby guesses.

14, 13, 16, 3, 12.

I can tell you that none of you are ten above.

I will now reveal

the number of babies that Alex has on him.

Five!

APPLAUSE

I was so close.

I'm afraid, Phil,

you were the furthest away.

What an emotional roller-coaster.

And so Phil is eliminated.

Aww.

APPLAUSE

Will you hold a baby to show you're out?

Course I would.

Round two, the category is...forks!

Oh. Oh, God.

Please guess the amount of forks that Alex has on him starting now.

Phil, you can still guess.

If you get ten above, you get... I'm all right.

But you get five bonus points if you...

Oh, do, do I?

Oh, God. I didn't listen.

Please reveal your fork scores now.

We have 23, 13, 18, 16, and 60 from Sanjeev.

6-0?

Oh, you've been asleep. I forgot. Yeah.

I can tell you that no one has gone exactly ten over. No one.

Exactly ten away from the fork count.

There are 15 forks on the tray.

15?

But what's under the cloche, Sanjeev? Oh.

Could there be 35 forks under here, Sanjeev? Or 45?

Or 45?

LAUGHTER

Marbles.

Sanjeev, you're eliminated. There were only 15 forks.

Excellent.

Sanjeev's eliminated.

APPLAUSE

Sanjeev.

The category for round three is belts!

Oh. Belts.

Oh!

Oh, dear.

How many belts does he have?

Oh, this is... Oh, how are we meant to know?

You're not meant to know, Reece.

Stop belting!

Please reveal your belt answers.

3, 0, 5, 4, 14.

OK, I'll crack straight in

and tell you that no one has got the bonus five points.

No one is exactly ten away.

And I can reveal the amount of belts Alex has on is...

One. ..only one belt.

It's a trick.

But it's a karate belt.

LAUGHTER

Reece is eliminated.

APPLAUSE

Just like you threw me away.

LAUGHTER

The final round. Yes.

Final round, the big one.

The big one.

Birds!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

How many birds does Alex have?

Please reveal your bird counts.

Someone here has got exactly ten away...

AUDIENCE: Wow.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

..and will get a sweet five points

because there are four birds on Alex.

Reece takes five points!

CHEERING

And so Ania wins the task!

Oh! You also get five points !

CHEERING

Whoo, what a rush!

Ooh. Wowee.

It was almost too mysterious.

Like, whoo. Oh, my God!

Oh, the adrenaline, the adrenaline's coursing through my veins.

Well, Phil was the worst at it. He gets one point.

Sanjeev got two points, Maisie four, Ania five,

but Reece, he grabbed the bonus five points,

so he gets a total of eight points.

Well done, Reece.

APPLAUSE

Scoreboard?

Yes, well it means that in joint last place,

it's Phil and Sanjeev on nine,

but with a huge 22 points,

the winner is Reece Shearsmith!

CHEERING

Reece Shearsmith has won!

Please head up to the stage and claim your things that are hard to explain!

It's Reece!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media