Original subtitles

Ah, shit!

-Shit! -Yes, yes.

You lost control for a minute. It's your kind of music, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I was so angry, because I stuck it out for so long.

But then... How did we call it in school? ...a careless mistake.

-I'll press it, yeah? -Go ahead.

No!

Third place. Bronze.

I think it's nice that Mirja and Ralf are left.

They worked together for so long, so I was very happy.

I don't want it to be a spoiler, but I think this will be a wonderful finale.

Yes, yes, yes.

The finale was really like something...

out of monster movies from the 70's.

Two faces made out of concrete won't break.

Then it was just about micro-expressions in the microscopic range.

That was harrowing.

Well, then...

Take care.

-Nice try. -Yeah.

-Are you leaving? -Yes.

-For good? -No.

It was a head-to-head battle.

Just the two of us, and we know each other.

I knew he wasn't going to give up.

My God, this might take a while. It's a battle of the titans.

Is there a solution? No idea.

What do you do?

Want to tell jokes?

-Want to tell jokes? -Jokes?

I think bad jokes are good.

Shall I tell you what I like the most about you?

-Absolutely nothing. -Yes.

After so many hours, you want to use anything you can.

-Ralf! -Yes?

-Coming now! -Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can't drink anything. Can you help me?

-What do you want? -Water.

Tactics are now overboard. It was just like walking on a tightrope.

Nothing else.

-Do you want it with... -Oh, yes, yes!

Drink it all. It's good for you if you drink it all in one go.

Thank you.

-It was worth trying. -I liked it.

-Back to the jokes. -Should I wear something funny?

-Yes. -We can keep wearing funny things.

I have one costume left.

-When I come out... -Yes?

...it would be good if you could lie down on the carpet on your back.

-This one? -Yes.

-On your back, gasping for air. -Good.

Watching Mirja and Ralf improvise

is like watching two fish trying to check each other out.

-Listen, when I come out... -Yeah?

-...imagine slow motion music playing. -Yes.

I'm coming now.

-Is this a weird position? -Yes.

-Should I get off? -Yes.

In our long friendship, there's no more sexual tension.

It's off the table.

Let's send Torsten in.

-Him again. -Oh, no.

-Hey, my friends. -Hey.

Since I've been watching you for longer than you've watched me,

I noticed that you have skills that I don't have.

For example...

selling junk merchandise.

I developed some merchandise ideas with my friend Benny.

And I'd like to know from you if it's something you might like.

This is Torsten Sträter Merchandise.

Yeah.

The first thing is...

small bags that talk back.

Some say this, some say that.

There's no way of telling!

You can't get into another person's head.

Or...

I tried to come up with a cleaning product

with a personal touch.

So I created cleaning cloths...

with my belly button on it.

Oh, God.

I have about 40 here.

This is one with my belly button.

The zit on it has gone now.

As far as merchandise goes, this is quite whimsical.

You know?

You sit in a café and clean your glasses.

No way I want those glass cleaning cloths.

Absolutely not.

Most people wonder what their favorite artist likes to do.

"How can I be like them?"

So I developed mugs that turn you into Torsten Sträter

when you drink your coffee.

So you fill it up...

And then...

Torsten, what's wrong with you?

Take this.

-Did that turn you on a little? -Yes.

Thank you for your attention, and don't give up.

Thank you, Torsten.

The way he's standing there.

I don't know what's wrong with us. I thought I'd be out in ten minutes.

That was very dangerous.

We could play "One Word Story."

-Yep. -About nightshade plants.

Okay.

In the nightshade plant shop...

-You... -Can...

-Buy... -Lovely...

Nightshades.

-But... -Sometimes...

-You... -Must...

-Avoid... -It.

-Because... -Nightshades...

-Are... -Very...

Shy.

-Often... -When...

-You... -Turn...

-The light... -On...

-They... -Are...

Gone.

-So... -Please...

-Be... -Careful.

Dude!

I feel very warm now. But it could also be due to my very muscular body.

Yes. I think... Muscles burn also...

-Wearing something funny again? -Pardon?

-Can you wear something funny for me? -Sure.

Let me have a look.

Oh, no. I won't have a look.

The king of China is here.

Impudence! That is not allowed.

Oh, boy.

The godfather of comedy comes in and I thought...

Oh, no.

I'm the island priest, Tide Tidalson.

I preach from island to island.

Going through the songs on my jukebox,

I discovered the following little line.

"Honey conveys the Lord's blessings. Imagine him on I-Bee-Za."

What do these words mean?

It was a nice summer morning.

I saw a thief.

He started running and he Galápa-goes at me,

pointed his gun at me and said, "Lofoten down!"

I said, "You gonna rob a Sri Bank-a, dude?

He answered, "Don't be Sicily."

He wanted to get home before Corfu.

I had to distract him somehow.

So I decided to trick him and said,

"Watch out, on the con-Crete!" And he said, "What, where?"

"Ta-heat-i is unbearable!"

He turned, and I ran. He shouted, "Come-oros here!"

But I took off.

But he caught up with me.

He asked if he could Bora-Bora a fan.

I could have lent him one. The heat was unbearable.

It was as if we were in Feuerland.

But I went on and walked past a house.

You could see a light through the window.

You could look in and someone was cooking Sardinia inside.

There was a lovely woman. She was stark Naxos.

A man was peeking inside.

And he started rubbing his Little Rock.

I said, "That looks very A-zore-s".

"What if your wife finds out?"

He said, "It doesn't Matterhorn.

"Or I won't catch the Mal-thieves."

I thought, "Bahamas mia."

"That's a mountain of lies."

The one above sees it all, he has a Guada-looper."

In eternity. Amish.

-Did you laugh? -No one honks.

Yes.

-What are we going to do now? -I do not know either.

-Okay. -Just leave.

-Yes, I'm leaving. -It's all pointless.

You can just laugh, Ralf! It wouldn't be bad, if you...

just let it go!

-Ralphy! -If you call me that again...

Schmitzi!

You can wear what you want, nothing suits you.

Nothing. Correct.

But you know, I thought I could teach you some cool dance moves.

I thought about some "donkey bridges."

-To help you remember things. -Oh, mnemonics.

It's my other side job. I'm an influ-dancer.

-Influ-dancer? -Yes.

Yeah.

Right, I'll teach you. Let's start.

My English isn't that good.

First move.

You have to picture it, okay? First move: lawn mower.

Super cool, you know? Two hands on the handle, and go.

Always works.

Second move, clean your windows.

Okay? And now...

A very important one: Someone's already in the bathroom.

Was that the doorbell?

Was that the doorbell?

Was that the doorbell?

-Do you get it? -Yes, I do!

Here's the next one: Elyas having a shower.

Shut the drawer.

But your hands are full.

Cool, right?

Not really top drawer.

Now: The sand is hot.

The sand is hot.

This one can be useful. What's on my ass?

And now, a T-rex bowling.

See?

Yo!

Yo, check it out, dude!

How cool was that?

-Right? -It was...

Just for you!

-I'll get changed, yeah? -Go ahead.

The suit wore me out.

This is an act that shouldn't have gone on any longer.

-Olaf is back again. -Back.

Little Olaf is already behind the curtain.

Torsten said he came up with a dramaturgical concept.

Hello.

And if Torsten says he has a concept,

then you just take it and go along with it.

They're freaks, those two.

What very few people know is that I'm a pretty good ventriloquist,

so I'd like to introduce you to Jason, my puppet.

Right, Jason, did you find the way all right?

I was...

picked up.

Look at Mirja, so close!

It was just out of hand.

Do you have a question for Jason?

Jason, what is it like to have a hand up your ass?

Well, I can't really answer that.

Because...

it's actually a knee.

-Put your other arm down, you weirdo. -Oh, right.

Mirja was...

walking around like this.

And I thought, okay, I can't handle this.

So, do you want to ask Mr. Schmitz something?

Torsten almost passed out from laughter.

And that was causing me physical suffering.

-I think you're not taking it seriously. -Yes, I will now.

-Ralf! -Yes?

I thought I'd be able to handle it much better.

But...

Olaf, you know...

Torsten, I must say...

Congratulations, you can't even tell you're moving your lips.

I do a lot though my sphincters,

especially words that include the letters P, H, and K.

-Like the turtles. -Let me show you.

How lovely is the town of Pirmasens?

Pirmasens, Ronny. Jason.

Pirmasens...

is a beauty of a town enclosed in...

-Put your other arm down. -Oh, yes.

...in a business park.

I don't get any of this.

This skit is pure gold.

Oh, God, I want them to perform in Las Vegas for six months straight.

Best skit ever.

Can you do that with any puppet?

Yes, Ralf. Don't provoke me. My hands are lubricated.

-I have to go. -Bye.

What happened there was brutal. But they stood their ground.

Bravo!

Is the bell ringing?

-Which bell? -The buzzer.

-Did you laugh? -No.

Me neither. Are we bad people now?

We can't get out of here at all!

Ladies and gentlemen, the show goes on!

With Bully's Puppet Box!

Oh, God.

Torsten and Olaf.

Again?

Now we're being tormented.

We all tell the best joke we know. Go.

-Go on, favorite joke. -Oh, shit.

Two potheads are in a car,

one says, "Don't drive too fast." The other, "I thought you were driving!"

In principle, I can imitate the voice of any politician.

So tell me who I should imitate.

Angela Merkel.

No, it has to be a man.

Yes, Angela Merkel.

-Torsten Sträter. -It can't be someone in the room.

Okay, Mario Barth.

-No, comedians are hard to imitate. -Yeah, okay.

-So civilians, normal people. -Yes.

Anyone, it doesn't matter.

-Olaf Schubert. -Too easy.

-I see. -Anyone.

Don't just leave me hanging. Anyone!

Stefan from next door.

No, we have to know who it is, of course.

-No comedians? -Right.

-Nobody who's here? -Yeah.

Anyone else. Anyone. It really doesn't matter who.

Oh, my God.

Let's make it easier, I'll close the curtain.

-Then you open it again. -I'll imitate someone.

-And we guess who it is. -And you guess, yes.

Very well.

Hello, my name is...

Helmut Kohl.

-You're Helmut Kohl! -Correct.

-You were quicker. -I was quicker.

-Did I win? -Yes.

The best gigs are the spontaneous ones. And that was hardcore.

Yep.

We'll never get this done. Hi, Martin.

Hello.

Right, so... You're both tough.

We're gonna do a tie-breaker.

It was clear that it wouldn't be an easy number.

They both know each other so well.

-Okay. -We're gonna set something up.

Now we're gonna challenge them.

We're really gonna tease Ralf and Mirja now.

-Put these on. -Ah, okay.

And you'll pretend to be a married couple.

And you're celebrating your 20th anniversary.

But in order to concentrate on your conversation,

you'll need support.

-For example... Hazel. -Yes.

-And Michael, if you want. -Yes.

It was so clear it was gonna get really bad.

They'll take over your arms.

So you can focus on your conversation properly.

You'll be arm in arm.

Like in an American western,

they're sitting in front of one another, very short distance,

their seconds behind them.

-Am I strangling you? -No.

"High Noon", the classic showdown in its most condensed form...

Marvelous.

-20th anniversary. -Yes.

But it wasn't always all roses.

So you talk about old stories that weren't always pleasant.

-Okay. -It starts now.

I'll keep an eye on you.

The first one who smiles, grins, or whatever, loses, and we'll have a winner.

Good luck and enjoy your meal.

-Cheers, honey. -Yes, cheers.

I'm left-handed, yeah? Cheers.

-Cheers. -It's nice that we stuck it out so long.

Oh, God.

-Can I serve you some? -Sure.

-Your plate? -Yes, I'll get it now.

I don't know why my finger is in my ear.

Yep, lovely. Can I have some more?

Thank you.

It's gonna get really messy.

-You don't normally give me much. -No.

It smells good.

It really does. I'll smell it again.

Shoved it in his face.

-Delicious. -I'll take some, too.

-Smells lovely. You did a great job. -Enjoy.

Better than in the past 20 years.

I've always... always cooked with hate for you.

That's how it tasted too. That's how it tasted for 20 years.

-For the first time... -I cooked with hate...

I'll try some too.

You must have bought this pasta.

-You didn't cook it yourself? -No.

I'll just tell you who made this. My mother.

Yeah?

-She made it. -My mother-in-law?

Your mother-in-law made it in an old fruit bowl.

But I hate her!

I know. She hates you too.

Just eat it all.

See what you did to me?

Wow. They really stuck it out for so long.

-Do you like it? -A lot.

-Because... -Your mother made it.

You know what your biggest problem is? What really annoys me?

That you're just telling me only now that you can't cook!

That for 20 years, I've been eating this...

Don't threaten me with your noodle!

What's wrong with you? I don't get it.

It's delirium, you're like on another planet.

That has no rules whatsoever.

-Are you crazy? -Watch out! Just one more word!

One word!

I'm sorry, I...

Now!

Come on!

They're not even coming out of there. You can't even do that!

Yeah...

We were so out of it.

We thought, what? Is it over now?

So, we have a winner.

Who did I think was gonna win? Who did I want to win?

Two tough contestants. You fought hard to the end.

Now let's see who will leave season five as the winner.

There he is.

Bravo!

The heaviest trophy in the world

goes to Mirja Boes!

It was pain, joy...

It was emotion, it was crazy.

-Can I take this? -Please do.

-It's pretty heavy. -Oh, it is heavy.

I'm so happy for you, Mirja.

Congrats from the bottom of my... What is it? ...heart.

Congratulations.

But I've won something else apart from the trophy.

€50,000 for the charity of my choice.

And because I think that Ralf and I

fought head-to-head and ended this thing with a photo finish,

I would love to split my prize with him.

Really?

Well, I can't refuse.

Not for me, but for the Familienhaus in Bonn.

Families can stay there while their kids are treated in the hospital nearby.

That's what my money is for. Thank you, Mirja.

-Great Lady. Well deserved. -Thank you.

I'm giving my €25,000

to AWA, the action group for West Africa

to help villages in Togo and Benin.

Children can go to school, new schools and kindergartens will be built.

That's what my €25,000 are for.

Dear Mirja, congrats. You deserve it.

You can laugh now.

Thank you very much. I had a great time. Even though you couldn't always tell.

I'll take my trophy home now.

Take care. Bye!

I'll just stay here.