Original subtitles

[The partridge family's "Come on get happy" Playing]

♪ hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mom! Mom!

Mom, I did it. I did it. Did what?

Remember when I told you I wanted to handle our publicity

and you laughed at me?

You wanna handle our publicity?

That's the trouble with this family. I get no respect.

You are a little young for the job, Danny.

That's why I decided to prove I could do it. And I did.

It's right here in San pueblo today.

"the x-rated life of Keith partridge, by Keith partridge."

I got the paper to print it all by myself.

"keith was born in a small farmhouse in Spanish Harlem."

what? He was born in a hospital

right here in San pueblo. In the new wing.

Oh, mom, look at the paragraph in boldface type.

The boldface print was my idea too.

"a girl can look like a bucket of frogs,

but I'll dig her if she's wearing a black garter."

did they print the paragraph in italics?

I'm afraid they did.

"keith's first love was a girl named Rose,

and that's why he has a red Rose tattooed on his..."

he doesn't.

Oh, you probably never noticed.

It's always covered by his billfold.

I don't know why Keith made up this pack of lies.

But I'm certainly gonna find out.

Mom, wait a minute.

Read the small print.

"written by Keith partridge as told to Danny partridge."

[♪♪♪]

I suddenly get the idea

that Keith knows nothing about this article.

Right. I just used his name for that touch of realism.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.

At least there's only one degenerate in this family.

Did I do something wrong?

Forget I asked.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Danny, you're the most corrupt person I know

under three feet tall.

How could you do it?

I had to get some publicity, just to prove I could do it.

All right, so you wanted to prove yourself.

But that's no reason to make up a pack of lies.

I couldn't tell the truth about Keith.

Let's face it, he's boring.

Danny, I think you and I ought to continue this discussion

alone, outside, in the garage.

Couldn't we all talk about it?

Sort of a group discussion? No.

Are you gonna beat him up? Yes.

Can I watch? No.

[♪♪♪]

Poor Danny.

I wish I could watch.

Poor Keith. What's he gonna do when he finds out?

I think I'll serve our x-rated brother breakfast in bed.

Along with this little goodie.

[Knocking]

Oh, good morning, good morning, good morning.

Wake up. You're having breakfast in bed.

It's a beautiful day.

Why, the sun is out and the birds are singing.

It's one of those days that just makes you feel

happy to be alive.

Come on, rise and shine, before your waffles get cold.

Uh, after 16 years of almost total indifference from you,

why this?

Oh, whatever do you mean?

Oh, come on. Breakfast in bed?

And you haven't insulted me. What's wrong?

Well, I didn't want your day to be a total loss.

What total loss? It hasn't even started yet.

Oh, believe me, it started.

You know, sundays are a good day to catch up on your reading.

Ciao.

Ciao.

[♪♪♪]

How come you're all standing around?

I have no other choice.

How did Keith take it? Well, he hasn't yet.

I bet he went back to sleep.

Yeah, he's known to do that.

No, his curiosity is piqued.

It'll just take him a few seconds to wake up.

Right about now he's probably at his mirror brushing his hair.

[Thudding]

He dropped his brush.

Now he'll go back to the bed, he'll sit down,

he'll pick up the magazine, and start reading the article.

It should be sinking in right about...

Keith: I'll kill him! Don't tell him where I am.

[♪♪♪]

I just want one shot at him, clean and easy.

Where is he?

I was sold out.

You sure were. You... Keith, I was doing it for you.

With that kind of publicity, I could make you a superstar.

Oh, well, I just wanna thank you until you're black and blue.

So, I'm a black-garter freak, am I?

You didn't read far enough.

About the Rose tattoo?

What Rose tattoo?

The one on your... Hm. What's a "Hm"?

I don't know, but your billfold covers it.

You didn't. Hearsay. All hearsay.

Oh, you didn't. If you didn't read that,

I guess you didn't get to the really embarrassing part.

Embarrassing part? You mean there's more?

About you and Mrs. Damion.

My English teacher?

She turns you on. Dirty old man.

[♪♪♪]

Shirley: Keith, you're in your pajamas.

You can't go running around the neighborhood like that.

You'll start rumors.

He's buried me.

How can I go to school tomorrow and face everybody?

Especially Mrs. Damion.

Oh, well, I'm sure she's known all along.

Women sense those things.

[♪♪♪]

Eat your hearts out.

[Ringing]

[♪♪♪]

All right, now, that's enough.

Obviously we've all read the article about Keith.

And I'm sure that we all realize

he's the victim of a practical joke.

So now, let's just leave it at that and get on with our lesson.

Now, all right,

yesterday we discussed

how Elizabeth Barrett eloped with Robert Browning

and went to Italy. Well, it was during this period

that Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote her most famous poem.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breath and height

my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

for the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the levels of everyday's

most...

Where is he? I'll kill him. What's going on?

Oh, nothing. I was pelted with black garters.

Mrs. Damion recited love poetry to me for an hour.

And don't ask about the Rose tattoo.

Where is he?

[♪♪♪]

There you are, you redheaded hamburger.

Keith, that's enough. Look, I know how you feel.

But can't we talk this out like adults?

Yeah, let's talk it out like adults.

Fine, fine.

From one adult to another, I'm gonna get you.

Lots of things are printed about all of us that aren't true.

When you're in show business you have to expect that.

Why lecture me? He's the character assassin.

I already punished him for that.

Yeah, well, I haven't. Keith...

Keith,

I just wanted to get you some free publicity.

I didn't know it'd end up like this. I was wrong. I'm sorry.

What can I say?

I can't hit a kid who's apologizing,

even though he deserves it.

This won't happen again, will it?

I promise, it won't happen again.

After next Sunday. What?

The article I wrote was a two-parter.

You mean you wrote something else about me?

It'll be quick and merciful. Keith, it's not about you.

Oh?

Who's the second part about?

Well,

it's about someone who I deeply admire and respect.

And I send her mother's day cards.

Let's get him.

[♪♪♪]

"so she decided to go into business for herself.

And that's when mom started the school for exotic dancers."

a school for exotic dancers, huh?

And you told me those tassels were earrings.

I have to give you credit, mom. You think big.

I learned to play the piano to be the life of a party.

Okay, have you both finished?

Not quite yet.

Take a look at the paragraph in boldface print.

Oh, I bet the boldface type was Danny's idea.

"the ship mom was on hit an iceberg and sank.

"mom was saved from going under

"because she held onto a man's beard.

To this day she can't resist a man with a beard."

Laurie: Why, mom, you never told us.

I don't really need this, you know.

Hey, here's something good.

A paragraph in italics.

I don't care to read anymore. Oh, well, then...

Let's see.

"when mom was alone and lost in the jungles of Zanzibar... "

I'd no idea you were so well travelled.

I was kidnapped a lot.

"... she lived for six months eating

"only coconuts and bamboo shoots.

"then she was found by a newspaper correspondent

"wearing a trench coat.

And that's why..."

that's why what?

"and that's why mom is turned on

by any man wearing a trench coat."

where is Danny? He skipped out

and I don't think he'll be back until you've cooled off.

If that's what he's waiting for, we may never see him again.

But when I do... Mom, look,

we've all been through this before.

If you're gonna stay in show business,

you've gotta develop a tough skin.

Yeah, being on the top can be a lonely place, mom.

But the show must go on. Right.

Oh, no, the show!

The pta fashion show is today.

How am I gonna face all those women?

[Knocking]

Why fight it? You have to face them sometime.

I think it's for you, mom.

[♪♪♪]

Brought your milk, Mrs. Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, Sheila.

Our next model is Mrs. Shirley partridge.

Shirley is wearing a casual eveningwear ensemble.

A demure Navy suede midi coat

with matching boots and cap.

In startling contrast to this shy cover-up,

Shirley is wearing shocking-pink hot pants.

[Music playing]

Shirley: Danny?

Where is he? I'll kill him.

Something wrong?

You know what's wrong. Where is he?

Danny partridge.

I was sold out again.

We go with the strength.

Mom, is there something wrong?

Oh, just the same old thing.

Men popping out of nowhere

wearing trench coats and grinning.

And then when I appeared at the pta fashion show

the women threw pennies at me.

Honest, mom, I never asked for contributions.

Mom, I think we should talk this out like adults.

After all, you've already punished him once.

A two-part article deserves a two-part punishment.

[Doorbell ringing]

I'll get it. You certainly will.

Hi. Is your mother...? Reuben!

If that trench coat is your idea of some kind of a joke...

No, it's my idea of a trench coat.

What is going on around here?

Mom has come down with an acute case of trench coat.

You know, you people aren't making any more sense

than those reporters. What reporters?

The ones who met me at the airport.

They asked some weird questions.

Like what?

I can't say in mixed company.

What's all this about you being

from the Sally rand school of etiquette?

Shirley: Danny made up those stories.

He did?

Well, he can't get away with that.

You should sue him for libel.

Never mind. What did you tell the reporters?

I don't quite know what's going on around here.

But I do know how to handle myself with the press.

Reporter: Mr. Kincaid.

How much truth is there in the recent article

concerning Shirley partridge?

Article? What article?

Great answer, Reuben.

Got out of that like a real pro.

I know how to protect my clients.

Reporter: Well, the article said that Shirley partridge

used to run a school for exotic dancers.

You're kidding. No comment.

Reporter: There's also a rumor Mrs. Partridge can't resist

a man with a beard.

I never knew...

No comment. No comment?

Oh, Reuben, I'm certainly glad you dispelled all the rumors.

You made it sound like it was all true.

You really got me off the hook.

He hit me with those cockamamie questions out of the blue.

How would I know what you were before I knew you?

Reuben.

Maybe we can call up the station

and have them retract it on tomorrow's show.

Well, how do you retract a "No comment"?

That does it.

I'm not gonna show my face outside this house

until this whole thing blows over.

Well, you can't do that.

What about the concert tomorrow night?

Oh, the concert.

After the concert.

Seems to me that you should be more worried

about the concert than after it.

It's a convention, remember? All men.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, and we've all heard those stories

about wild conventioneers.

[♪♪♪]

[Indiscernible chatter]

Do they look friendly? Oh, very.

Joy buzzers, funny hats, lots of confetti.

Just your average group of clean-cut rowdies.

They're gonna get me.

Oh, why, now you're being paranoid.

Mom, these people are all from out of town.

They probably haven't read our Sunday supplement.

Why, it's only local. Do you really think so?

No, I was lying.

Man [on microphone]: Gentlemen, the partridge family.

[Applause]

♪ if you ever put me down ♪

♪ I would fall right through the ground ♪

♪ couldn't make it on my own ♪

♪ couldn't stay here all alone ♪

family: ♪ ooh ♪

♪ and there would be no sun ♪

♪ and there would be no one to run to ♪

♪ if you ever go ♪

family: ♪ honey, honey you'll never know ♪

♪ honey, you'll never know ♪

family: ♪ honey, honey you'll never know ♪

♪ what it would do to me ♪

♪ the hurt would be new to me ♪

♪ honey, it's new to me ♪

♪ if you could ever believe ♪

♪ the love I got up my sleeve ♪

♪ then you would never go ♪

♪ honey, don't ever go ♪

family: ♪ you'll never know ♪

♪ if you ever said goodbye ♪

♪ I would want so much to die ♪

♪ all the world would look so gray ♪

♪ couldn't face another day ♪

♪ and there would be no sun ♪

♪ and there would be no one to run to ♪

all: ♪ if you ever go ♪

family: ♪ honey, honey you'll never know ♪

♪ honey, you'll never know ♪

family: ♪ honey, honey you'll never know ♪

♪ what it would do to me ♪

family: ♪ what it would do to me ♪

♪ the hurt would be new to me ♪

family: ♪ honey, it's new to me ♪

♪ if you could ever... ♪

[applause]

Well, if they're gonna get you, they're gonna get you now.

Men: Bravo! Bravo!

Gee, they really like us. We'd better take another bow.

[♪♪♪]

It just got here.

Great.

Here, let's hide it.

Shirley: What's going...? Danny: Good morning.

Ah. Good morning, brother.

Welcome to breakfast.

Laurie: Two eggs over easy, bacon crisp and dry.

Just the way you like it.

Fresh chocolate milk

served in your favorite Donald duck glass.

A big napkin because you're messy.

In case you haven't noticed,

there are two words that are not used

in the partridge family vocabulary:

"brotherly love."

however, there are two words more commonly used.

Yes?

"get even."

Keith, what's in that magazine?

Well, mom, ever since Danny's article about you came out

it sort of took me out of the limelight.

So I've noticed. And as concerned children

we felt that what was needed was a re-focusing of attention.

So we all got together and...

"and Danny really doesn't wanna be a singer.

He only sings with the family to pay for his ballet lessons."

ballet lessons? That's an out-and-out lie.

Well, they can't tell the truth about you.

Let's face it, you're boring.

Keith: Yeah. Get down to the good part.

Skip down to the paragraph in boldface print.

Chris: The boldface print was my idea.

Everybody kicks you when you're down.

Well, go ahead. Read the worst. I can take it.

Okay.

"danny claims to be very tight with his money.

"but the truth is he's generous to a fault.

"he's constantly giving away all his money to charity.

"he once pledged the shirt off his back to a telethon.

In fact, being poor turns him on."

[doorbell ringing]

That's defamation of character.

I'm a tightwad and you know it.

That's a low blow.

Yeah. Right in the billfold.

Danny, it's for you.

[♪♪♪]

Mom?

Give till it feels good.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]