Original subtitles

[The partridge family's "Come on get happy" Playing]

♪ hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪]

And I say those films can't even compare

with fellini and bergman.

I'm not comparing them to fellini and bergman, you are.

Look, I'll admit they weren't polished,

but those films were bordering on genius.

Those films were bordering on boredom.

Laurie: I never said they were perfect.

They're underground films.

And that's where they should've left them too.

I'm afraid to ask, but how was the film?

Great. Terrible.

I didn't realize you were taking them

to a controversial film.

We went to see some experimental films

by some young filmmakers.

And I thought the films were extremely artistic

and enlightening.

Okay. Well, then maybe you can explain to me

why the flowers exploded.

Why the flowers exploded?

That's obvious, Danny.

Well, of course, it's obvious.

Danny: Fine. Then maybe you can explain

why they covered that asparagus patch with whipped cream.

I hate to interrupt, Reuben, but it's time for Danny

to go to bed.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, pleasant dreams.

You've gotta be kidding.

Come on, boy.

[♪♪]

Good night, sweetheart. Keith: Good night, Danny.

Good night.

Asparagus and whipped cream?

Laurie thinks that's art.

You think "Flash gordon" Serials are art.

Well, at least "Flash gordon" Is funny.

It certainly makes more sense than all that phony symbolism.

I suppose you could do better?

I'd love to make a movie

putting on all those hokey experimental films.

Not only would mine be funnier, it would be better too.

Spoken like a true egomaniac.

Mom, do we still have that old 8 mm camera?

Top shelf, hall closet.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

I forgot all about that old camera, Shirley.

How come you don't use it anymore?

Well, I used to show so many home movies

that one by one, my friends started to drift away.

Mom, it's beautiful.

Would you like us to leave you two alone?

You know, I really could make my own movie.

Let's see, film and developing, say, 15 bucks.

Mom? Sorry.

[Sighs]

[Clears throat]

Oh, no. No way.

[♪♪]

I only launch new careers. I don't finance them.

Where am I gonna get that kind of money?

Danny: Psst. Psst.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Come on, Danny. If you're willing to lend me the money,

there's gotta be a string attached.

Can't i...?

Can't I just want the satisfaction

of helping a brother in need?

Uh-huh. Try again.

Okay, maybe I'm investing in your future.

Oh, sure you are.

Okay...

I want a piece of the action.

Piece of what action?

Lights, camera, action.

[♪♪]

This is ridiculous.

Humans are ridiculous.

That's gonna be the message of my film.

Come on, give it a try.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Now, you're Cleopatra

and I want you to exit your tent to this door.

Now, Cleopatra was very sexy, so be sexy, okay?

I feel silly.

Don't worry about it. Just act natural.

Danny: You better make up your mind.

Do you want her to act natural or act sexy?

I know what he wants.

Okay.

[Camera whirring]

Cleopatra being sexy. Take one.

And action.

[♪♪]

Cut it.

Cleopatra being dull. Take one.

[♪♪]

♪ everybody's going places ♪

♪ doing things

♪ look at all the smiling faces ♪

♪ sing

♪ we're having a ball ♪

♪ doing a number

♪ having a ball

♪ getting it on

♪ together, together together ♪

♪ having a ball

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ having a ball

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ town to town we've found the sound that's happening ♪

♪ and what we've found ♪

♪ is what we play and sing ♪

♪ yeah

♪ we're having a ball ♪

♪ just doing a number

♪ having a ball

♪ just getting it on

♪ together, together together ♪

♪ having a ball

♪ together

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ together

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ together

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ together

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ together

♪ yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ together

♪ yeah, having a ball

[laughing]

Waiting for someone?

Uh, yeah.

Mr. Kincaid. He's gonna be in our film.

Oh, really?

Well, he doesn't actually know he's gonna be in our film.

All right, let's have it.

Uh, it was all Danny's idea.

It's ingenious.

In fact, it borders on being diabolical.

Yeah. You see, my film needed a little production value.

And we couldn't afford any costumes, so...

We invited Mr. Kincaid to a costume party.

You didn't.

[Doorbell rings]

[♪♪]

[Door closes]

Rueben: Talk about your law and order.

A guy isn't safe on the streets anymore.

What happened?

Oh, a couple of wiseacres followed me here in the car.

And then they got mad because I wouldn't Grant their wish.

What wish was that?

I don't wanna talk about it.

But if I hadn't managed to poke one of them in the eye

with my magic wand,

well, I might not be here right now.

Oh, and I even got my hem all dirty.

Hey, why don't you have your costume on?

Reuben, I have a confession to make.

I have a couple of rotten kids.

This isn't a put-on.

No. No, they wouldn't.

Dolley Madison. Take one.

They would.

Reuben, you're on camera.

[♪♪]

Reuben: Some world premiere this is.

You don't have one searchlight out front.

Kids, here are your seats.

Well, it's only a home movie.

But maybe I should go outside and wave a flashlight.

It's gonna be good. You'll really like it.

I certainly hope so,

the way you've been hounding us the last two weeks.

Popcorn. Get your home-popped popcorn here.

Mr. Kincaid?

Thought popcorn was supposed to be white.

So? So, what if it's a little burned?

This isn't a first-class theater, you know.

You could do charcoal etchings with this stuff.

When are we gonna see the movie?

Yeah. I'm getting bored.

Wait until you see the movie.

Okay. Ready.

Now, remember, this is just a rough cut.

I've been editing it on that little viewer,

so this is the first time I'm gonna see it myself.

What does that mean?

That means that your big brother

is copping out.

[Projector whirring]

What's that?

I put them in.

You can't have a film without credits.

I thought this film was titled the history of the world.

Danny: It was. We had to change the title.

We ran out of film in the middle of the 16th century.

"produced by Danny partridge"?

I deserve a credit.

"inspired and financed by Danny partridge."

all: "entire production under the personal supervision

of Danny partridge."

Where's my credit?

I ran out of paper towels.

Reuben: Oh, that's exciting. [Shirley laughs]

Shirley: Very good, Chris.

You're a real artist.

Laurie: That's really cute.

Oh. [Laughs]

Laurie: That is delightful, Tracy.

Hey, Keith, this is great stuff.

You could sell it to the keyhole theater.

What's that?

The stuff we couldn't sell to the theater.

Oh, funny.

Shirley: Oh.

[Danny wolf whistling]

Very sexy, Laurie.

Well, I tried.

[Laurie laughing]

Laurie: Oh. That's great, mom.

Reuben: And you've been wasting your life singing.

Laurie: What a ham. I'm a real Sophia loren.

Who? Who?

[All laughing]

I just realized, for the first time,

how much I look like my mother.

I feel sorry for your father.

[Laughs]

Shirley: You're beautiful, Reuben.

There goes our gp rating.

Psst, Keith? Keith, come here.

What is it? We're just getting to the best part.

I know. Do you hear that laughter?

Yeah. I think they like it.

Even more than I thought they would.

Exactly. You never know what the public will like.

I always thought I'd be worried about getting my 15 bucks back.

Keith, we're sitting on a gold mine.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Okay.

At 25 cents admission,

all we have to sell is 60 tickets

and we've covered the cost of the film.

Anything after that is pure profit.

[Sighs]

To tell you the truth, Danny,

I was a little disappointed with the film.

Name one thing wrong with it.

Soft focus, overexposure,

sun glare, strobing effect, harsh lighting.

Well, if you're gonna be picky...

Besides, it was supposed to be funny.

And everyone agrees it was funny.

Yeah.

When Reuben walked in in that dress...

See? You think it was funny.

Yeah, it was funny, I guess.

[Sighs]

Okay, let's give it a shot. Where shall we show it?

Grauman's Chinese is booked.

How about our garage?

[♪♪]

Okay, Mr. Promoter, where are all the people?

Give them a chance.

I think an hour and a half is a terrific chance.

We should have had a sneak preview first.

Then word of mouth would stir people's interest.

When enough people are interested,

wham, we sock it to them.

I'm not interested in the money.

I'm just interested in aesthetics.

I wanna be judged by my peers.

But your peers didn't show up.

Yeah, well, I've waited long enough.

I got a date. Where you going?

[Sighs]

If I'm unlucky, the taco stand.

If I'm lucky, muldoon's point.

[♪♪]

That would be some sneak preview.

[♪♪]

You know, kid,

it ain't any of my business, because the meter's running.

But I don't think any of these people

are here to see a movie.

It's perfect.

They'll have something to look at

when they come up for air.

They ain't gonna see nothing.

The windows are all steamed up.

I'm counting on the film being good enough

to grab their interest.

Is it dirty?

Of course not.

Then it ain't gonna grab their interest.

Come on, give me a hand.

[♪♪]

Look at these people.

The guys are only interested in the girls as sex objects.

I don't think it's right.

Uh...

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Sighs]

Well, wanna go get a taco or something?

Imagine, me out with Keith partridge.

[♪♪]

Oh, no.

Wait here. And don't look.

[♪♪]

Danny, what are you doing?

Having a sneak preview for your peers.

What is this?

Guy 1: Somebody's idea of a joke?

[Horns honking] Let's get out of here.

These kids are getting more rocks.

[Car horns blaring]

Guy 2: Get out of the way. Give me another rock.

Guy 3: Get me another rock.

Why did you have to show it at muldoon's point?

You said you wanted to be judged by your peers.

I didn't know they'd be armed.

I don't mind being panned, but being pelted...

Keith, maybe you can't blame it entirely on the audience.

Looking back, I see your movie had one basic flaw.

What's that?

It was rotten.

What? I'm just being objective.

A bomb is a bomb.

Looks like zanuck and Hitchcock

are having a big production meeting.

If you're talking about your next film,

I hope you'll consider leaving town to shoot it.

We're going shopping. Do you need anything?

Yeah. Stop at the local torture shop

and pick up a pair of thumbscrews.

Danny's size.

Why do that? If you really wanna torture him,

just show him your movie again.

Bye. Bye.

Boy, everybody turns on you when you're down.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

This is, uh, Sam greasley,

owner of the royal theater.

Can I speak to Keith partridge?

Speaking. Oh, yeah, Keith.

Listen, I understand that you have a film

with all the members of the family in it.

How did you know that?

Well, my son said he saw it up at muldoon's point.

Oh, did he like it?

He... he didn't say.

But I feel

that any partridge family movie

would be worthwhile to show in my theater.

You're kidding. No.

You know, just a little something

to fill in after the main feature.

What if I gave you, say, oh, $100?

A hundred dollars?

It's a crank call.

Well, yeah. Sure, Mr. Greasley,

I'll bring it by tonight. Yeah, okay. Goodbye.

Oh, and by the way,

you've made a new filmmaker really happy.

Yeah. Okay. Goodbye.

[Sighs]

So you thought it was a bomb, huh?

The owner of the royal theater just called

and offered me $100 for my film.

That's six-and-a-half times the original investment.

Keith, when can you have your next production ready to roll?

You know, I was beginning to have self-doubts.

But $100 for my first film.

Boy, wait till mom hears about this.

[♪♪]

[Tires screeching]

[Sighs]

You don't think there might be two partridge families?

I'll kill them.

[♪♪]

When you took those pictures,

you never said anything about showing them in public.

Me playing Cleopatra.

I'll never be able to face any of my friends again.

You made me look pretty dumb.

If my teacher sees that bathtub scene,

I'll be thrown out of first grade.

[♪♪]

If you think I'm going to make my screen debut

with gossamer wings and a dirty hem, forget it.

Drove by the theater, huh? No.

I read it in the entertainment section of my paper.

Why couldn't you choose

a nice, normal hobby, like sorcery?

Don't worry, Reuben, that film will not be shown.

But, mom, I promised Mr. Greasley

I'd have it there tonight.

I can't go back on my word.

The people are gonna expect

to see the partridge family on film.

Fine. But first,

you're going to cut out all of the embarrassing parts.

And we're going to help you.

You're gonna censor my film? Come on.

That's like putting your foot through a Rembrandt.

Laurie: In this case, it's more like

putting your foot through a beer sign.

[♪♪]

[Sighs]

Well, I hope you're happy.

There lies the best work of my life

on the cutting room floor.

Is that all? That's it.

Like to know what's left of my masterpiece?

What?

Nothing but shots of people waving.

You're kidding.

[Sighs] No.

And that's not exactly what Mr. Greasley paid for.

Mom, he's advertised.

We're gonna have an awful lot of explaining to do.

I suppose that's true.

Then I can work on my film.

All: No!

Okay, what am I gonna do?

The only logical thing.

Get the money before he sees the film.

Well, there is one way.

If we all agree to it.

[Playing "Hello, hello"]

♪ hello, hello

♪ hello, hello

Keith: ♪ I love you so

♪ I love you so

Keith: ♪ yet it all began

♪ when I ran

♪ into you

♪ not so long ago

♪ and since that day I wanted to say ♪

♪ hello, oh, oh

♪ hello

♪ hello, hello

♪ would you like to go

all: ♪ would you like to go

Keith: ♪ to a place with me

♪ ah

♪ where we can watch

♪ the hours go by

♪ 'cause you're someone I'd like to get to know ♪

♪ oh, oh

♪ I still don't know your name ♪

♪ and I I couldn't care less ♪

♪ I like what I already see ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ whatever sign you are

♪ or what's your address ♪

♪ don't really matter much to me ♪

♪ just wanna say

♪ hello, hello

♪ hello, hello

♪ I love you so

♪ I love you so

♪ yet it all began

♪ when I ran

♪ into you

♪ not so long ago

♪ and since that day

♪ I've wanted to say ♪

♪ hello, oh, oh

[audience laughs] ♪ hello, hello

♪ hello

♪ hello, hello

[♪♪]

One for you. One for me. One for Mr. Kincaid.

One for you. One for me. One for Mr. Kincaid.

One for you. One for me. One...

What are you doing?

Divvying up the money from Mr. Greasley?

No.

We invested our money in a new business.

Well, it certainly looks profitable.

Did Reuben put up the rest of the money?

No, but he's still a partner.

Yeah. Only he doesn't

exactly know he's a partner.

I'm a little afraid

to ask this next question,

but, um, what kind of business are you in?

Oh, it's nothing illegal or anything.

We deal in a product.

We sell them to different psychedelic and book stores.

They... they give us a dollar for each one.

Laurie: Hi. Hi, Reuben.

Danny: Guess what, Mr. Kincaid?

The three of us are in business together.

Yeah, and you're in for a big cut.

I think the lawsuit will net me more.

Reuben, what's the matter?

This is the matter.

[♪♪]

[All laugh]

I want one.

It's cute. Can I have it?

Oh, no. I am gonna sue.

But first, my aunt Rita asked me to send her one.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]