Original subtitles

[The partridge family's "Come on get happy" Playing]

♪ hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

[Music and gunshots on TV]

Who left this mess in here?

Who made that mess in the kitchen?

Did you want something, mom?

No, I always talk to myself. Who made that mess?

Well, no one's perfect.

Mom, I know I left my leotards

hanging in the bathroom, but they're not dry yet.

Are there any more confessions before I narrow it down

to an apple core, a banana peel

and the rest of that stuff left on the kitchen sink?

Oh, that mess. That mess.

You left the refrigerator door open, the milk was left out,

and you know the garbage goes in the garbage disposal.

We're sorry. Sorry isn't enough, Tracy.

I've told you this time after time,

and it just seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Chris: We'll clean it up. Right after the movie.

No more movie. It's bedtime.

In fact, it's past your bedtime. Let's go.

You're gonna make us go to bed in the middle of the ambush?

After you clean up the mess.

No fair. They get to stay up.

Shirley: They're older. We didn't ask to be born last.

Golly. We ought to run away.

After you clean up the mess. Then we'll run away.

Fine. How about waiting

until morning after you've had a good night's sleep?

[♪♪♪]

Now we can watch the sexy movie.

[♪♪♪]

She's not even worried.

Let's really run away. Okay, let's do it.

[♪♪♪]

Boy, it's dark out there.

I have a better plan:

Let's run away in the morning

after we've had a good night's sleep.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

All right, everybody, let's get started.

One, two, one, two, three.

[Singing "I would have loved you"]

We sounded pretty good.

Yeah, I demand a raise,

or I'm gonna join the king family.

Are we done? Yes, I guess so.

Then, may we be excused? We're gonna run away now.

Bye.

See you.

Mom.

Kids, wait a minute.

If you're gonna run away,

you'll have to take more than that.

I mean, you'll need a change of clothes.

It'll be cold tonight. You'll need your jackets.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Well, you have to think of those things

if you're running away. You'll have to pack a suitcase.

She's always been right before.

Yeah, besides,

I forgot my baseball. Come on, Tracy.

What kind of advice was that? You encouraged them to run away.

No wonder I feel so insecure.

If you force a child to stay at home

it's only gonna make him wanna run away more.

There's nothing to worry about.

They're not going anywhere. Well, they're packing.

I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen:

They'll walk out of here, go about halfway down the block,

as far as Mrs. Monihan's.

They'll stop in and have some brownies.

After they've had a few,

they'll forget why they're mad and come home.

The whole process takes about 45 minutes.

How do you figure that?

You guys certainly have short memories.

You two did the very same thing. Oh, great.

I thought I had you worried to death.

Well, I hope you know what you're doing, mom.

Believe me, I do. I'm gonna call Mrs. Monihan

right now and tell her to expect them.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I see you're all packed. Yeah.

I guess this is goodbye then. I guess so.

Goodbye. Bye.

Bye, kids.

Will you feed my turtles?

Sure.

Bye-bye, trace. Bye.

You want some sandwiches to take along or something?

No, thanks. We'll get something.

Yeah, maybe some brownies. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Want me to follow them?

Give them a head start, then follow them.

Mrs. Monihan, you better break out the brownies.

You should be able to see them coming by now.

You do? Good.

No, Keith isn't running away again.

He's just following them.

[♪♪♪]

Maureen.

Maureen, you know I'd do anything for you,

but I just can't do it over the phone.

Besides, it wouldn't sound right without a guitar.

Yeah, okay, look, I can't talk right now.

That I believe. He can barely spell.

Keith, are you still on that phone?

I'm expecting a call from Mrs. Monihan.

Bye. Are you worried?

Why should I worry?

Keith, you did see them go to Mrs. Monihan's, didn't you?

Sure did. You called it right down the line.

They've been gone an hour.

Well, you are worried.

No, it's just that...

Well, you came home in 47 minutes.

And Danny came home in 52.

You can't go by that, mom.

Kids today lead a different lifestyle.

Mom, why don't you just call them

and tell them to come home?

Oh, Laurie, you missed the whole point.

They... they have to wanna come home on their own.

I think I'll call Mrs. Monihan about that bake sale.

Mom, that was last week.

Then I'll call her about the kids.

You big phony. Out.

Hello, Mrs. Monihan, this is Shirley.

Please don't tell Chris and Tracy I'm calling

but I think it's about time they...

They did? Why didn't you call me?

The line was busy. What's wrong?

No, no, don't worry.

I'll... I'll let you know.

Yes, thank you.

They left 20 minutes ago. Keith: Where did they go?

She thought they came home.

They must be in the neighborhood.

I'll go check the tree house. Laurie: I'll check the park.

I'll check the garbage cans.

Well, it's a great hiding place.

You never found me when I hid in the garbage cans.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello, Max? How are you?

Shirley, I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but Chris and Tracy are here,

and a cab driver that wants $6.45.

They're at Reuben's.

Are they all right?

They're doing better than I am.

So don't worry about a thing, Max.

Just tell me what to do.

Heads up, Mr. Kincaid.

And you'd better make it quick.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Is your mother here?

Where's Chris and Tracy? At my place.

You left them alone? No, I left them at the pool.

Four beautiful girls: Babs and Carol and Tina and Alice.

It sounds like an x-rated movie.

Where are the children?

He left them with babs and Carol

and Tina and Alice. Shirley: Are they all right?

Hell, I should be doing so well. Now, what is going on?

I punished them for making a mess.

Well, they ran away.

Well, they sure left well-prepared.

I lifted their suitcases and nearly threw my back out.

Mom, don't you think we ought to go and get them?

Not yet.

Honey, I want them to come home on their own.

Reuben,

would you mind if they stayed with you for a couple of hours?

Of course not, but what good will that do?

Well, maybe you can show them

the bad side of living alone.

Great idea, mom.

A couple hours with Mr. Kincaid

would drive anybody home.

Danny,

if you'd like to go to the beach with me,

I'll let you swim in the riptide.

Riptides are dangerous.

Oh, who told you that?

[♪♪♪]

[Music playing]

We had a lot of fun with the babysitters.

Yeah, wonderful.

Wish I could say the same thing.

Chris, we... we have to have a man-to-man...

Man... talk... talk.

Oh, excuse me.

You know, a bachelor doesn't have

a mother to take care of him.

So he has to take care of everything...

[Sneezes]

himself. Do you have a cold?

No.

It's the darndest thing. It feels like my allergy.

Well, what are you allergic to?

Uh, certain kinds of dogs.

What kind of dogs?

Long-haired dogs.

Sheepdogs are the worst,

like the kind the people next door have.

Makes me sneeze and break out in hives.

Are hives like little red marks all over your face?

Well, yes.

Guess what your neighbors let me play with?

[♪♪♪]

Tracy, will you hurry up with your bath?

I have to put some calamine lotion on my hives.

Tracy.

[♪♪♪]

Tracy.

Oh, Tracy.

I only used this much.

Well, stay here. I'll... I'll get a mop.

Ah!

Mr. Kincaid, where did you go?

[Sneezing]

God bless you.

[♪♪♪]

What's that?

It's the darndest thing I've ever seen.

It almost looks human.

See, it has ten fingers and ten toes.

What's all the rest of it?

Well, that's what's got me stumped.

Okay, kids, time for you to go to bed.

Already? I thought bachelors

got to stay up as long as they wanted to.

Oh, now, you are only apprentice bachelors.

Now, bachelor-union rules specifically state

that apprentices under the age of 10

must to go bed at 7:56 P.M.

All right.

Good night.

[Phone rings]

Hello. Kincaid: Shirley. Reuben.

How are the kids? Fine.

Why don't you let them spend the night here.

I'm not doing anything.

Sure. It's very nice of you, but...

I am not doing it to be nice.

I'm out for revenge.

Believe me, tomorrow they'll wanna come home.

Are you sure? Positive.

[Doorbell ringing]

There's my doorbell. Talk to you later.

Well, all right. Goodbye.

Bonnie!

[♪♪♪]

Bonnie kleinschmitt, what are you doing here?

One of the other stewardesses wanted

to go to Seattle, so we changed flights.

Since I'm only going to be in town for one night,

naturally I thought of you.

Thanks.

I, um...

I brought some champagne

for us to start the evening with.

We, uh... We'd better not open that.

The pop might wake up... The neighbors.

At 8:00?

Why, I thought this was a swinging singles' apartment.

Right.

Everyone is resting up for the long night ahead.

Why don't we watch some television?

I... I think Billy Graham's on.

Reuben, if I wanted to watch Billy Graham

this would be the last place I'd come to.

Mr. Kincaid?

Take a letter, miss kleinschmitt.

"I, Reuben Kincaid... " Who are these kids?

Ki-kids?

Oh.

Uh, Bonnie,

meet Chris and Tracy.

Did you run away too?

No, but I'm about to.

Now, Bonnie, I am only babysitting for a friend.

They'll be gone in an hour.

I promise. Now... Wait for me, please?

Just one hour? Well...

You don't wanna go through your whole life

with the name kleinschmitt, do you?

I'll wait.

Mr. Kincaid...

Kids, how would you like to play a game?

I don't think so. Good, it's a great game.

Blackjack. We've never played that game.

Don't worry, I'll teach you.

It's lots of fun.

Whoever gets all the chips wins.

Whoever loses all the chips has to go home.

[♪♪♪]

Certainly is nice to have dinner in peace and quiet.

Yeah, no little kids arguing.

Seems strange eating dinner

without Tracy sticking her hand in my gravy.

I know. Without Chris here,

there's no one to throw my mashed potatoes at.

That does it.

Danny can't even throw his mashed potatoes at anyone.

I'm gonna go and get them.

You're gonna go back on your word?

Yes.

Blackjack.

I have 19. You're not supposed to tell me.

I have 18. Well, I was gonna draw anyway.

Four. Sorry, 18 and four is 21.

Twenty-two.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Mr. Kincaid, do you wanna borrow some more?

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, no. Practice.

Just 15 more minutes...

Shirley: Hi, Reuben. Shirley.

Oh, my goodness.

Is this where you ran away to?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

I'm running away.

To here?

Yes. Would you like a brownie?

Mommies don't run away. That doesn't make sense.

They're right. You should be home.

You should all be home.

Reuben.

I just dropped by to say goodbye to Reuben

on my way to hop a freight train out of town.

Are you really leaving? Yes.

Why?

I'm just tired of being the bad guy.

Always having to tell my children

to pick their things up, when to go to bed.

They always think I'm mean.

No, we don't. Yes, we do.

Well, some of the time.

Tracy: You can't run away.

We need you, right? Right.

You mean you would if you were going back home.

Tracy: Well, yeah.

But mothers have responsibilities.

You gotta stay home.

Why?

Keith and Laurie are getting older now.

And Danny can take care of himself,

and, well, my two babies are gone.

Mommies need someone to take care of and to love,

and we need to be loved.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be hopping that freight train out of town.

I love you. We both do.

I love you too.

No mother of ours is gonna hop a freight out of town.

We'll go home first.

We were coming home an hour ago.

Except Mr. Kincaid wanted to play Blackjack.

You're kidding.

[Singing "Summer days"]

[♪♪♪]

Tracy, have you been playing in my gravy?

What makes you say that?

There's a tiny handprint in my mashed potatoes.

Mom, Danny's gonna flip his peas at me.

Danny. Shirley, I really appreciate

your inviting me over for dinner.

I'd hoped it would make up

for the kids bothering you last night.

Ah.

Yeah, we hear that

happy bachelor life is really something.

You only know the half of it.

You're too young to hear the other half.

Danny: Mr. Kincaid?

Yeah?

Bet you 50 cents I can get that

quarter out without touching the cup.

You're on. Danny: Okay.

Abba-kazabba kazabble,

quarter go through the table.

Well, that's not the same quarter. See?

There, I just got it without touching the cup.

Danny, if you're ever thinking

of running away from home...

Yeah?

Do it.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]