Original subtitles

[Pl play playin playing]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hi, mom. Hi.

How was the haircut? Terrific, if you like baldness.

They hardly took any off.

You thinking of buying that coat?

Honey, that's not the sort of coat a woman buys for herself.

Why not?

Because it's wildly exotic and frivolous.

You like it, though. Yes, i like it.

I didn't think you were interested in crass, materialistic things.

Well, i do have my moments from time to time.

Well, it's nice to know we have something in common.

[♪♪♪]

Mail call.

Partridge, keith.

Partridge, laurie.

Resident.

Partridge, keith.

Partridge, shirley. Mom.

Partridge, danny.

Resident.

Anything important in the mail?

No, nothing interesting. Just personal mail.

What do you call interesting? Checks.

How can you tell without even opening the envelope?

Well, when there's money inside, my palms start to sweat.

Mom, there's a letter here for you from grandma.

Would you open it for me, honey? It's probably for all of us, anyway.

Okay.

It's a birthday card. Your birthday's not for three weeks.

You know your grandmother. She sends christmas cards out in september.

How old will you be, mom?

Twenty-three.

Mom, you don't expect him to buy that, do you?

Why don't you tell him the truth?

Because the last time i told him my age

he ran down the street screaming,

"my mommy's 32," to all the neighbors.

So, what's wrong with that? I was only 31.

You don't understand anything about women.

I was just a kid then.

[♪♪♪]

Has anybody got any ideas

about what they're gonna do for mom's birthday?

I thought about offering to do all the cooking for a month.

How about you? Buy the family a stomach pump.

Very funny.

I know exactly what i'm gonna buy her.

You do? Well, what is it?

Something wildly exotic and frivolous.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Did you find out what it costs? Yeah.

You're still gonna let me go halvers, aren't you?

Sure. but you're gonna have to come up with $1300.

It costs that much? Hm-hm.

When i think of all the stocks and bonds i could buy with that,

i get goose bumps.

Maybe we should wait until next year.

No, i want her to have it while she's still young enough to enjoy it.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, do you have a ballpoint pen?

Keith, i gave you three just last week.

I know. it's those ridiculous girls at school. They keep stealing them.

Danny: Can't they afford their own pens?

Keith: of course they can. Danny: then why do they steal yours?

Because he might have actually touched them with his actual hands.

That's cute, laurie. Very cute.

I don't get it.

Your brother enjoys the reputation

of being a very romantic figure, danny.

Although he's too embarrassed to admit it.

Danny: So they steal his ballpoints?

Oh, it's not only his ballpoints.

It's anything personal this romantic figure owns.

Is she kidding? Weird but true.

Interesting.

[♪♪♪]

What'd you wanna see me about?

There's a whole untapped market

of sex-starved teenyboppers out there.

This is our big break.

I'm not sure yet whether i even like girls.

I mean to get the money for mom's fur coat.

Don't you see? this is exactly the business opportunity

we've been waiting for. It is?

Yeah. first we gotta steal keith's toothbrush.

Why? Because if they'll steal his ballpoints,

they'll pay money for his toothbrush.

Who'd buy a used toothbrush?

Well, we can soon find out.

First we'll get a few items of his, and we'll test-market them.

What sort of items?

As personal as possible.

Do you have a toothbrush? I seem to have lost mine.

I'll put one in the bathroom. Thanks.

Keith, do you want the rest of your pickle?

Uh-huh. You're not eating it.

I'm going to.

Danny: It's just lying there.

Danny, if you want a pickle,

there's a whole jar full in the cupboard.

No, thanks. I don't like pickles.

Keith: is there any more milk? Shirley: in the refrigerator.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, did you eat my pickle?

No.

Come on, danny,

you've had your eye on my pickle ever since you came in here.

How do you know you didn't eat it?

Because i'm not that absent-minded.

Then how come you lost your toothbrush?

Mom?

Danny, did you eat his pickle?

No, mom, i didn't eat his pickle.

Keith, you must've eaten it. You just don't remember.

Mom, how could i have forgotten something like that?

Is it really that important?

My whole mouth was all ready for that pickle.

[♪♪♪]

Psst!

Wanna buy keith partridge's comb?

Are you kidding? No. i'm his brother.

I've got other personal stuff of his too.

Look.

Wow. let's see the comb.

How much? Seventy-five cents.

There you go.

Take your time. Browse if you like.

Girl: Wow, keith partridge's comb. Where'd you get it?

[Chattering]

[♪♪♪]

Well, i guess they're starting to take me seriously now.

I've just given them a $19.00 deposit.

That means $2581 left to go.

Do you think we can do it?

Sure. you didn't see those girls.

Hundreds came running at me, screaming and yelling.

Gosh. were you scared?

No. i loved it.

You know, i've never been attacked by a herd

of stampeding money before. I sold everything.

That's great.

So, what do we do now?

We get enough stuff to hold a gigantic auction.

Then we can make a killing in one crack.

So, what's next?

We accumulate stock.

[♪♪♪]

Laurie, has keith been having problems with a girl lately?

How should i know? I'm only his sister.

Sometimes he tells you more things than he tells me.

Haven't you noticed he's been acting strange?

He's been acting strange for years.

He keeps losing things.

He's always been that way.

Remember the time he lost his hat and he tore the whole house apart looking for it?

He looked everywhere but on his head. he even wanted to call the police.

Okay, that does it. Let's call the police.

What? why? The belt from my robe is missing.

Keith, calm down.

It probably just slipped off when it was being laundered.

It's not only the belt. It's the toothbrushes and my sock

and the shoelaces and the shirt buttons

and the sheet music and my running shoe.

Gee, sounds like a case for the mod squad.

It's not funny. somebody's out to drive me crazy.

It all started when i lost my pickle.

Well, then, maybe we should call the bureau of missing vegetables.

Do you know how silly you sound?

You see? It's working.

[♪♪♪]

Chris: Why couldn't we just buy

some toothbrushes and say keith used them?

Are you kidding? do you want ralph nader on our backs?

No. but i think keith's beginning to suspect.

He's starting to look funny at me.

He's starting to look funny at everyone.

Anyway, all we need is one more thing.

Something sensational and sure-fire

that will attract people to the auction.

Something really personal.

How about if we steal his bed?

No, i think he'd miss that.

I've got it! What?

I'll give you a hint.

It's very personal, it's brown,

and girls would love to run their fingers through it.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. be sure to put at least three hairs in each envelope.

We want them to get their money's worth.

Are we gonna hold the auction tomorrow, danny?

Yep. i just wish we had time

to get out a line of lockets to go with the hair.

Then we'd really clean up.

[♪♪♪]

What's keith gonna do

when he finds that big hole in his head?

He won't notice.

He's gotta miss 36 envelopes of hair.

I took it all from the back.

He doesn't have eyes in the back of his head.

[♪♪♪]

[Screaming]

What is it?

Keith: My hair's fallen out. I'm bald as a bumper.

What? I think i've caught something.

Look at the bald spot in the back. Let me see.

It's an awfully neat circle to be a disease.

It looks like someone's chopped away with scissors.

You mean someone's stolen my hair?

Now will you believe somebody's out to get me? look at my hair!

Keith, keith, calm down.

Calm down? There's a big crater in the back of my head.

There has to be a logical explanation for this.

Mom, you're not gonna tell me i've misplaced it.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, the coast is clear. Danny: okay.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

Hi. where you going with the wagon?

What wagon?

Oh.

Oh, we're going to school.

What's in it?

Just some junk.

Oh. you recycling it?

In a way.

See you, mr. kincaid.

[♪♪♪]

Look, keith, it's no great tragedy.

I mean, it will grow back.

What am i gonna do until then?

Well, wear a cap.

Somebody stole it.

It's the grand canyon back there.

Honey, it's not that bad.

Who'd wanna steal my hair?

Have you heard about a band of hair thieves in town?

Hi. what's all this about thieves?

Hi, reuben. Somebody stole Keith's hair.

[♪♪♪]

You don't have any questions?

Oh, i have a number of questions.

I just can't make up my mind which one to ask first.

[♪♪♪]

Keith, have you had a fight with chris or danny lately?

You think it was danny? Mm. just a hunch.

I hate to say this, mom, but it doesn't sound like him.

I mean, he's devious, but he's not spiteful.

I know, but he's been acting awfully innocent lately.

[Phone ringing]

Would you get that, reuben? Sure.

Hello? no, he's not here right now.

Would you like to leave a message?

Yes. Yes, i'll ask him

to get back to you on that. mm-mm.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, that was for danny.

Somebody wanted to know if he still wants a mink coat.

What would danny want with a mink coat?

It's probably a phase. He'll grow out of it.

That makes about as much sense

as everything else that's been going on around here.

It's beginning to make a lot of sense to me.

Where is danny, anyway?

Now, that is a question i can answer.

I have here a sock actually worn

by your favorite sex symbol, keith partridge.

What am i bid? Do i hear 50 cents?

Girl 1: fifty. Danny: okay, i have 50.

Do i hear 75 cents for this beautiful keith partridge sock?

Girl 2: seventy-five cents. Danny: okay, 75 cents.

Do i hear 80 cents for this genuine

keith partridge sock

with a genuine keith partridge hole in the heel?

Girl 3: eighty. He's selling my sock.

One dollar. Do i hear one dollar

for this actual favorite sock of a national singing idol?

Girl 4: a dollar. Going, going, gone.

Sold to the young lady with the braces.

There you go. I'm sure you're gonna get

a lot of enjoyment from that sock.

Now, this next... oh.

Danny. chris.

I want you to stop this right now and give back all that money you've taken.

Girls: aw! Girl: That's not fair. You can't do that.

Mom, why? they're really snapping the stuff up.

It isn't fair to take advantage of people.

Danny said we're only giving the public what it wants.

That's my pickle.

It's keith!

Look, danny, i'm not gonna have a discussion of ethics with you now.

Just do as i say.

Okay. i'm sorry, the auction's ended.

Girls: Aw...

Girl 5: It just started.

Come on, they're really looking forward to this.

You should have thought of that sooner.

Mrs. partridge, i rode my bike

all the way across town to get here.

Couldn't you let danny sell just one more thing?

Girls: Yeah!

Kids, i'm very sorry.

But danny had no right to take those things from keith.

I can't let him sell something that isn't his.

Boy, all the way across town for nothing.

Oh, they're really disappointed, mom.

And they also have us surrounded.

How about a song? Girls: yeah!

Well, we could try that new song that keith wrote.

Girls: Yeah!

Little treat, as an encore, i'm gonna beat danny up.

Not a good idea, keith.

You should always leave the audience wanting more.

[Piano playing]

[Singing "every little bit o' you"]

[♪♪♪]

Keith?

Chris and danny have something

they wanna say to you. Right, boys?

We just wanna say we're sorry.

Yeah, we want you to know it was nothing personal.

Nothing personal? You stole the hair from my head.

Yeah, well,

we realize now that stealing the hair from your head

was a definite invasion of privacy.

Danny, i felt like i was in the middle of gaslight.

Didn't you know you were driving me bananas?

I guess not.

But you have to understand, keith,

you're dealing with a couple of very immature minds.

[♪♪♪]

They brought back all the things they took.

Except for the stuff we sold.

Yeah, and there's one more thing down in the garage,

and it's too big for us to bring up alone.

Keith: Well,

i guess there was no real harm done.

You stole my bed.

I told you he'd miss it.

[♪♪♪]

Shirley, this is from tracy and me.

Oh, thank you, reuben. Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Oh. isn't that pretty?

Open it up. My present's inside.

Just what i've always wanted.

A picture of the cookie monster.

Thank you, darling.

This is from danny and me.

Happy birthday, mom. I can't imagine what this could be.

It's a mink. A mink?

Oh.

Danny: A genuine mink rabbit's foot.

Shirley: I'll carry it with me wherever i go.

Thank you, boys.

We're sorry we couldn't get you the mink coat.

Well, i think i'm a little young for a mink coat, anyway.

Do you have to be a certain age?

Well, look at it this way.

If i got a mink coat now,

i wouldn't have anything to look forward to in my old age.

Maybe she's right.

We better wait a couple more years.

Here, mom. happy birthday. Oh, thank you, keith.

Oh, keith.

That's just lovely. I really like it.

That's not bad taste.

For a guy with no taste.

What's wrong? Is it not the right size or something?

Well, i hate to look a gift horse in the mouth,

but it looks very expensive.

You never seem to have any money.

Yeah, where did you get the money, keith?

Ah, it was easy.

I just got a pair of scissors

and i took off about that much here...

[Laughing]

[♪♪♪]