Original subtitles

[The partridge family's "come on get happy" playing]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Chris: Why do we have to tell mom now?

It's just basic parent psychology.

She hates to argue at the dinner table.

I don't know. Mom's gonna get mad when she finds out.

Let's tell her tomorrow. We tell her now.

How come you get to decide everything?

Because I'm the president and the major stockholder.

Oh, I thought it was because you can beat us up.

Tracy and I put in all our money too, you know.

Yeah, but 67 cents doesn't give you much say-so.

[♪♪♪]

Careful, this stuff is hot.

What are you kids looking at me like that for?

I knew women's lib was protesting

to get out of the kitchen,

but I never thought you'd be the weak link.

Laurie's out on a date and mom asked me to help out.

Oh, sure.

If a guy comes with a glass slipper, it's for Keith.

[Both laugh]

It's a good thing Ralph nader doesn't know about you.

Otherwise he'd have your brain recalled for being defective.

Sit down and have your dinner.

I don't want any arguing at the table.

Oh, that reminds me, mom. There's something

we want to talk to you about. What is it?

Um, well, I've been thinking.

We may be doing pretty good right now, but show business

is a very precarious way to make a living.

I mean, when was the last time the Beatles put out a record?

Danny, the Beatles broke up.

They don't exist anymore. See?

Don't tell me you're not leaving the group.

Of course not. I told you not to tell me.

What are you talking about? Something to fall back on.

Just in case. Chris: Yeah.

Danny and Tracy and me started our own business.

Terrific. What the world needs is another lemonade stand.

Just what kind of business did you have in mind?

Okay?

[♪♪♪]

Behold.

The beginnings of an empire.

Rats!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Get those rats out of this house immediately.

What's your business, stocking tenements?

They're not rats. They're golden hamburgers.

That's hamsters.

Hamsters?

[♪♪♪]

[Chuckles]

Shirley: They are kind of cute.

It doesn't look like much of an empire to me.

We'll raise them and sell them. We'll make millions.

If that's your plan, you'll have to get a bigger bag.

Don't worry. We've got cages.

We just haven't set them up yet.

We didn't know whether you'd let us keep them.

I don't know whether I will. Chris: Please?

We'll do all the work. Yeah, and I'll feed them.

Well, if you really did take care of them,

it might be a good experience for them.

Are you kids sure you can handle this?

Sure we are. All right. We'll give it a try.

Did you hear that, Dean? You can stay.

Dean? danny: Yeah.

Dean Martin. Look at his eyes.

They're pink.Exactly. Dean Martin.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, remember, this is just on a trial basis.

Sure, we'll take such good care of them,

you'll never know there's a hamster in the house.

Chris: Hey, Sonya's loose. Help me catch her, everybody.

Sonya? danny: Come here, Sonya.

Already I know there's a hamster in the house.

This exercise wheel works okay, but it squeaks.

I'll take care of that later. Let's see if the cage is ready.

Feeding tray.Check.

Watering cup.Check.

Sleeping quarters.Check.

The cage is all set. Where's the bathroom?

Are you kidding? Hamsters don't go to the bathroom.

Did you look in the bag?

Hey, did you know that theoretically

one pair of hamsters in one year

can produce 100,000 offspring in just one year?

Do you know what that means? Yeah.

We're gonna have to get another cage.

No. That means if we sell these hamsters for a dollar a piece...

We'd make $100,000 in our first year.

That's not bad for a $3 investment.

Wow. They're worth more than I thought they were.

Yeah. So I don't want anything to happen to them.

Where are they? I didn't want them to get loose

while we set up the cage, so I put them in the bathtub.

You sure they're still there?[Screaming]

Positive.

[♪♪♪]

[Ticking]

Mom, mom, wake up.

What's the matter?

Something's wrong with Dean Martin. He's sick.

[Sighs]

It's probably just a hangover.

No, the hamster. He's in terrible pain.

I'm afraid he's gonna die.

He must have eaten something. What have you been feeding him?

The same stuff we've been feeding him.

Please come, mom.Okay.

What's going on?

Something's wrong with Dean Martin. He's sick.

It's probably just a hangover.

The hamster.

Nobody got this upset when I got appendicitis.

Well, you're not a hamster.Hmm.

How is he? Getting worse.

Do something, mom.

Look how swollen he is. He just lays there.

[♪♪♪]

Can you help him, mom?

He's going to be all right.

Dean Martin is having babies. Keith: No kidding?

Hey, well, I've never been a midwife before.

Tracy: It'll never work.

The stork can't get through that little tiny door.

Quick. Boil lots of hot water.

And tear up some clean sheets. What for?

I don't know. They never showed that part on TV.

We should call Marcus welby.

Those baby hamsters will be born without the help of Marcus welby

or my clean sheets. Are you sure?

They've been doing nicely for millions of years.

There are three baby hamsters underneath Dean Martin.

[♪♪♪]

There are two more in the corner.

I wonder how many in a litter?

According to the book, there's usually six.

Then where's the other one?

Well, look.

[♪♪♪]

How did Dean do that?

If I hadn't seen it, I would never believe it.

[♪♪♪]

Isn't it wonderful?

Wow. That's a miracle.

I've tripled my investment in less than a week.

[♪♪♪]

We're almost through. Just one more load...

Shirley, I can't carry anymore.

Load them up, ship them out. You are a slave driver.

My back is killing me. No more.

So far, you've only carried out your own two suitcases.

Yeah, but those bags are heavy. Loaded with carsick pills.

I got queasy just putting them on the bus.

[Grunts]

Mom, bad news.

I can't find anyone to babysit the hamsters.

I thought punky lazaar's sister was supposed to do it?

She was. But I don't think she's ever seen a hamster before.

She thought they were rats and ran out of the house screaming.

She recognizes a rodent when she sees one.

You're just gonna have to find someone else.

I've been trying. I can't get anyone.

If we leave them here alone, they'll die.

It's time for us to leave.

We'll have to take them with us. We have no choice.

But you'll have to take care of them.

I will. I promise.

Yay! We can bring them.

Shirley...

Reuben, I have no choice.

Besides, the kids will take care of them.

They've been hidden in the cellar for two months,

and I've never even seen them.

[♪♪♪]

I think you better give us a hand.

There are at least forty more cages inside.

Forty? yep.

And I've increased my investment over 4000 percent.

Isn't it great?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, let's try it again. One, two.

One, two, three.

[Playing "twenty-four hours a day"]

♪ Twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ girl ♪

♪ without you I am spending ♪

♪ all that I knew was... ♪

Uh, cut. Hold it, hold it.

I'm still getting that squeal.

Again? That's three takes it's ruined.

I've checked all my equipment, so it must be out there.

What does it sound like?

It sounds like this album's gonna be released as a single.

Maybe it's the amps feeding back. I'll go check it.

Yeah, you might be right.

[Squeaking]

I can hear it.

But it's not the amps. It sounds more like...

It sounds like what I've heard in the back of the bus.

All right, Danny, where is it?

I couldn't help it, mom.

I think lord Byron is gonna have babies.

I couldn't leave him alone in his hour of need.

Where is it?

[♪♪♪]

You said you were gonna grease the treadmill.

With a miracle happening every three seconds,

when have I had a chance?

[Playing "twenty-four hours a day"]

♪ Twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ girl ♪

♪ without you I am spending ♪

♪ all that I knew was me loving you, girl ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day yeah ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ And I know I love you ♪

♪ and you love me too ♪

♪ but the temptation for more than me ♪

♪ for moving on was there ♪

♪ you were like the sunshine ♪

♪ and sunshine comes and goes ♪

♪ how was I to know that I would stay ♪

♪ and you'd be the one to go? ♪

♪ My lover and my friend ♪

♪ my beginning and my end, no ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ what came in between us ♪

♪ doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ girl ♪

♪ that's not the way I planned it ♪

♪ it would be you and it would be me, girl ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day yeah ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day girl ♪

♪ all that I knew was me loving you, now ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day yeah ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day hey, girl ♪

♪ just twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day, now ♪

♪ twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day now, girl ♪

♪ twenty-four hours a day yeah ♪

[Hamster wheel squeaking]

Keith, we're on in 10 minutes.

Do you have to take up the whole mirror?

There'd be plenty of room,

but your hamsters are taking your share.

I better wait behind someone else.

I forgot it takes you longer to cover up your bald spot.

Bald spot? What bald spot? You didn't know?

Oh, well, it's really nothing.

That's what a bald spot is, nothing.

I don't have a bald spot, do I?

Didn't show up on my school pictures.

If they took school pictures from the rear,

you'd see your bald spot.

[Woman screams]

Chris: What's that? I don't know.

[Women screaming]

[♪♪♪]

Well, is it a fire?

No, it's not a fire.

[Hamster wheels squeaking]

I don't care if you have 10 reservations.

You're not getting into this hotel with those rats.

I'll take full responsibility.

Besides, they're not rats, they're hamsters.

Oh, my mistake. Hamsters, eh?

Ha, ha, ha. Well, that makes quite a difference.

You're not getting into this hotel with those hamsters.

I guess we'll just have to leave the hamsters in the bus.

Too bad. Hamsters need to be kept warm.

They'll never survive out there in the cold.

It's either them or us.

No rodents in the hotel.

[♪♪♪]

When we get rich from the hamsters,

we'll have to buy this place and get rid of you-know-who.

Yeah, the creepo.

We'll just have to leave them in the bus.

But, mom... we'll keep them warm.

Driving hamsters around with the heat on

gets more and more ridiculous every time.

I'm sorry. But they had to be kept warm.

This was all I could think of.Wonderful.

We're staying up so some rodents won't catch cold.

In the meantime, I've sweated off 10 pounds

and I don't even get a rubdown.

It won't happen again. Danny's gonna get rid of them.

How come the three of us are doing all the dirty work

and Danny's gonna make the money?

Because he is management.

He knew we knew we were gonna be up all night

and he did volunteer to come with us.

Sure. No sacrifice is too great for Danny partridge.

[♪♪♪]

You have too many hamsters to take care of properly.

It isn't fair to them or us.

But, mom, the hamster market is bound to open up soon.

Two, three years at the most.

You have to get rid of them.

I've tried everywhere. Nobody wants them.

I can't believe how dumb some people are.

Well, if you can't do it, then I guess I'm gonna have to.

I've tried everywhere I know. Honest.

What about the pet shop that sold them to you?

Everywhere but there.

You sold the hamsters to Danny for a $1.50 a piece.

I'm willing to sell them back to you for 75 cents,

lock, stock and treadmill. I'm sorry. I'd like to help.

But I'm not in the business of buying back pets.

You drive a hard bargain. Fifty cents.

I'm afraid not. Twenty-five cents?

I just don't need any hamsters.

But how can you say that?

You only have these two little hamsters.

[♪♪♪]

Patterson: Two in a long line of hamsters.

[♪♪♪]

All right.

Free. But that's my bottom offer.

Danny. oh, hi, mom.

They're all fed and ready to go to the pet shop.

They're not going to the pet shop.

Great, I knew you'd change your mind.

You won't be sorry. I didn't change my mind.

Mr. Patterson doesn't want them. Nobody wants them.

Great. We're still the only people

that know how valuable they are.

Danny, you don't seem to understand.

I realize that you are attached to the hamsters,

but they have to go. Pets need affection.

And you can't divide your love a hundred ways.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, I'm afraid I'm too emotionally involved.

You'll have to do it.

[Sighs]

I can't do it either.Great. I knew you couldn't.

So did I.

But we have to do something.

["I woke up in love this morning" playing]

♪ Last night I turned out the lights ♪

♪ lay down and thought about you ♪

♪ I thought about the way that it could be ♪

♪ two o'clock, wondering what I'm doing here ♪

♪ alone without you ♪

♪ so I close my eyes and dream you're here to me ♪

♪ and I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ yes, I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ hello, girl yes, it's five o'clock ♪

♪ I know but you just listen ♪

♪ there's something that I've got to let you know ♪

♪ this is you ♪

♪ this pillow that I'm hugging and I'm kissing ♪

♪ and one more thing before I let you go ♪

♪ and I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ and I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ do dreams come true ♪

♪ well, if they do I'll have you ♪

♪ not just for a night ♪

♪ but for my whole life through ♪

♪ and I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ now, I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

♪ went to sleep with you ♪

♪ on my mind ♪

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

Thank you.

♪ I woke up in love this morning ♪

[Crowd chattering]

Ah, no more midnight drives

around the same old block over and over.

It's the best idea Danny's ever come up with.

Beginner's luck.

Wow, two hamsters.

Take my advice. Buy another cage

and put them at the opposite ends of the house.

Pardon me.

How are we doing? Well, fine.

There's just one problem. We're gonna run out of hamsters

before we run out of records.

Chris, Tracy, take Peter, Paul and Garfunkel

and put them in the back room.

Give us a couple hours. We'll have a bunch more for you.

That so?

[Chuckles]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I have to admit, today was a first.

[Doorbell rings]

I've never autographed a hamster before.

Next time I'm gonna have to breed earthworms.

I'll never have to worry about getting rid of them

as long as there's dirt.

Reuben, come on in.

Oh, I'll just stand here.

I mean, I know it's late...

And I have a friend with me. Who is it?

[♪♪♪]

[Whispering] I don't want the kids to know I have one.

Hey, Mr. Kincaid has a hamster.

[Normal voice] I can't get a break.

Okay, I don't wanna hear any remarks.

Why should we make any remarks?

Just because you're walking your hamster?

It was a gift.

A... a friend gave it to me.

It looks like my hamster, mister Kincaid.

A friend gave it to you?

Okay, I gave it to me. I'm a friend.

Look, don't push me, Laurie.

I couldn't stand by and watch you give away my namesake.

Why'd you bring him here?

Well, because you know about hamsters.

Oh.

Yeah, he's acting kind of funny.

The poor little guy just lays in the bottom of his cage.

I think he's in terrible pain.

And he looks so swollen.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Kincaid, you better sit down.

What for? Mr. Kincaid,

have you ever thought about putting out your own album?

[Laughing]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]