Original subtitles

[The partridge family's "Come on get happy" Playing]

♪ hello, world, hear the song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we had a dream we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ we'd spread a little love ♪

♪ and then we'll keep movin' on ♪

♪ something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ we get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ traveling along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ come on, get happy ♪

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

♪ we'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

I'm waiting. I'm thinking.

I got it!

You're so ugly,

your face ought to be arrested for littering.

Top that one.

All right, uh...

You're so dumb...

Not another "You're so dumb" Insult.

Not very original. All right.

Um...

You're so short...

You're so short you have to wear elevator shoes to get into bed.

[♪♪♪]

Can't think of one, huh? I'm gonna be late for school.

Better hurry. You'll need all the help you can get.

Oh, uh, partridge. Hi, coach.

Uh, partridge, we have a few minutes before class.

I'd like to have a little talk with you in my office,

man-to-man.

Who was the, uh, little guy you were arguing with outside?

Oh, Danny? That was no little guy. He's my brother.

I thought so. Well, uh...

You were, uh...

You were being a little hard on him, weren't you?

Oh, well, we weren't arguing.

Uh, we were just insulting each other.

It's a game we play. I see.

[Clears throat]

Your, uh... your mother's a widow, isn't she?

Well, yeah, but what has that...?

And I'm sure your mother does the best job she can.

But a mother isn't enough. You're the eldest male...

And your brothers and sisters

are turning to you for leadership.

Me?

Coach, Danny and I were insulting each other.

It's a game.

And where did he learn the rules?

Look, the kids in your family may not admit

that you influence them.

They probably don't even realize it themselves.

But you do.

Now, it's just a matter of how you influence them.

[♪♪♪]

I never thought about it like that.

Okay, Keith, you really asked for this one.

You're so dumb,

you have to brush your teeth by the numbers.

[Laughing]

You know, you're getting to be quite a little man.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Reuben, I just can't do it. I'm sorry.

Look, you said you'd be happy to take publicity pictures.

So I set it up for this Saturday.

And now you say you're sorry?

You should have checked with me first.

I promised Chris, Tracy and Danny

I'd take them to the beach on Saturday.

Shirley, the photographer is booked.

The photographer can be UN-booked.

My kids can't.

Do you have a warped sense of priorities.

I should have taken that job

managing reptilia the snake girl.

Nobody ever wanted publicity pictures of her.

Hi.

What's wrong? Well, I'm just preoccupied.

With thoughts of killing myself.

What's the matter?

Reuben wants me to take publicity pictures on Saturday

and I promised the kids I'd take them to the beach.

Well, I'll take them.

[♪♪♪]

You will?

Kincaid: You are volunteering? Sure.

But I thought you were gonna take Barbara

for a drive on Saturday.

I'll cancel it.

The kids are more important anyway.

Uh, more important than girls?

Shirley, this kid is an impostor.

What's your middle name? Fast. Douglas. Satisfied?

Uh, I don't know. I don't know your middle name.

Honey, I appreciate you volunteering

to take the kids to the beach,

but it just doesn't sound like you.

Well, I've been thinking. Since I am the eldest male

I have a lot of influence on them.

Besides, I'm old enough to accept my responsibilities

and give them the kind of leadership they need.

Keith, have you been talking to a marine recruiter?

Reuben, don't tease him.

It's a very nice gesture, and very mature.

I'd be very happy to let you take the kids to the beach.

Thank you.

Oh, do you mind if I take them somewhere besides the beach?

I don't think so. Why?

Well, I thought I'd take them someplace fun, but, uh,

with a little more class.

[Orchestra playing classical music]

When I said we were going to the park,

I bet you didn't expect a concert, huh?

Not in a million years.

I thought you might enjoy some classical music for a change.

It's like combining fun with education.

I see the education.

Where's the fun?

I'd rather go to the beach.

If you'd give it a try, you might find out you liked it.

Do you like this music?

[Sighs]

Well, I'm giving it a try.

I mean, uh, that's the trouble with you kids nowadays.

You're afraid to try new things.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

I gave it a try. Now can we go to the beach?

[♪♪♪]

Keith: And atop of that hill over there

on your left is a historic landmark.

Spanish conquistadors once camped there.

Danny: Boy, that's a thrill, Keith.

Keith: And over on the right

is where Spanish conquistadors once killed game to eat.

Danny: One thrill after another.

[♪♪♪]

Art represents the artist's philosophy of life.

Each piece has its own symbolic meaning.

It looks like a garage sale in the house of Frankenstein.

What's that?

I don't know. Let's see.

Uh...

I think that represents man's culture.

We created a plastic society

and now we're trapped inside of it.

Maybe that's what it represents...

But if I left it out on the curb,

the garbage man would pick it up.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, what are you doing?

Are you alone?

Just me and my broom.

Okay, troops, fall out. The coast is clear.

What's going on here? We thought you were Keith.

Why are you hiding from Keith?

Well, he's threatening to teach us

all about the league of nations.

Keith: Danny?

I bet he found the encyclopedias.

Keith: I found the encyclopedias.

Forget you ever saw us.

[♪♪♪]

I could only find volume r.

I wonder if they'd mind reading about Romania.

[Doorbell rings]

That must be Laurie's date.

Hello, come in.

Hi, I'm... I'm Freddy, Laurie's date.

How do you do? I'm Laurie's mother.

I'll have her home early.

Well, I'm pleased to hear that. Um...

Won't you sit down and relax? Oh, I'm... I'm relaxed.

I'll just stand here. Well, suit yourself.

Keith, this is Freddy, Laurie's date.

Hi. I'll see if she's ready.

[Sighs]

Boy.

I'm glad that's over. What?

Meeting the mother.

But your mother's pretty cool. Oh.

Yeah. They usually give you the third degree.

You know, where are you taking her?

What time are you gonna bring her home?

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

Where are you taking her? Hmm?

What time you gonna bring her home?

Early. After the movie.

You, uh, taking her to a walk-in or a drive-in?

A drive-in.

A walk-in?

As long as it's rated for the general public.

[♪♪♪]

How about love story? Mmm...

A little racy. How about a good western?

Oh, I love westerns. Great.

Look, i... I hope you don't mind me asking you these questions.

Oh, not at all. Sir.

Hi. I'm ready. Oh, great.

Are you nervous about something? Oh, not me. I...

I just don't wanna be late

for the first feature at the walk-in movie.

Have fun, kids.

Right. And I'll see you back here at 10:00.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

Keith, where are the kids? I've called them three times.

I don't know, mom. I haven't seen them.

Hey, Reuben, did you get those tickets?

Sorry, they were all sold out.

What did you want those tickets for, anyway?

I wanted to take the kids.

To the bolshoi ballet? The bolshoi ballet?

Yeah, I wanted to surprise them.

It certainly would've been a surprise.

Do you think the kids are really ready for the ballet?

Why not? It would be a good influence on them.

Well, I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

See you. Bye, honey.

See you, Reuben. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

I'm really mad at him.

Freddy will never ask me out again.

Keith means well.

He's just trying to be helpful.

What's wrong with him anyway?

He's a creepo.

Look, he may have gone a little overboard,

but his intentions are good.

What intentions?

Laurie, Keith feels

that since he's the eldest male in the family...

That he's responsible for the rest of you.

He wants to be a good influence.

He wants to provide you with leadership.

All: Keith?

[♪♪♪]

I suppose you're wondering

why I called you all here this afternoon.

We have a common problem.

This is our problem.

This brother wants to be our leader. I have a plan.

If you have a plan, it must be rotten.

No. We're going to let him lead us.

Until he begs for mercy.

[♪♪♪]

[Strumming guitar]

[Whispering] Okay, he's alone. Do you know what you're supposed to say?

Check. Roger.

This is gonna be fun.

This may all be in fun, but we can't let him know that.

So I want you to go out there and be sincere.

Remember, we owe him one for those historical landmarks.

Let's get him.

Hi, kids. We need your advice.

Sure.

What can I help you with? Career counseling.

Career counseling?

Well, we've decided what we wanna be.

But everybody says we can't. Well, sure you can.

Everybody says you have to be born

in the right kind of family.

That's ridiculous.

It doesn't make any difference what kind of family

you come from in this country.

You can be anything you wanna be.

Now, what is it you wanna be when you grow up?

Negroes.

[♪♪♪]

Well, he's here.

Danny [on phone]: Great. Really lay it on thick.

Oh, I don't know, Danny. I don't think I should do this.

It's really a mean trick.

Okay. I guess it is best to turn the other cheek.

Even though Freddy will never ask you out again.

Hi, Danny said you wanted to see me.

What's wrong?

[Sighs]

Oh, nothing. Laurie, what is it?

Well, I'm fine. But this friend of mine has a serious problem.

Oh.

I see.

Friend, huh? Yes.

[♪♪♪]

The man she loved ran away with an older woman.

One in college.

What a rotten way to get it.

Yes.

My friend never wants to see a guy ever again.

Well, that's exactly the wrong attitude to take.

She should go out with a bunch of different guys.

I think you're right.

Oh, Keith, you've been a great help to me.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, my friend has to make a date.

Great. Who's she going out with?

The football team.

[♪♪♪]

What is it?

I wanna know about the facts of life.

[♪♪♪]

The facts of life? Right.

[♪♪♪]

Why don't you ask mom?

What would mom know about the facts of life?

Oh, yeah. Guess you're right.

Uh...

Well, I suppose I could tell you about the birds and the bees.

I don't wanna know about the birds and bees.

I wanna know about people.

People?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, one more thing. What?

Why do people go through all that trouble

when they don't even wanna have babies?

Danny, you just can't explain it.

You have to be there.

Well, thanks. You saved my life. I did?

Well, yeah. If you hadn't cleared up those rumors,

I'd be in big trouble when I got married.

My pleasure.

[♪♪♪]

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Well, how did your personal conference with Danny go?

He is really something else.

I know.

You know, uh...

You are too.

I mean, I never knew what it was like

to have responsibilities to kids before.

It's not easy.

Sure has made me appreciate you a lot more.

Thank you, honey.

I'm beginning to realize that responsibilities are

something you have to assume gradually.

Well...

You are a little young to be raising four kids.

I'm old enough to handle it, all right.

It's just it doesn't leave me enough time to do my homework.

[♪♪♪]

Good night. Good night, sweetheart.

[Laughing]

I told him that my girlfriend's boyfriend ran away

with a cheap cheerleader.

[Laughing]

I wish I could've seen you and Keith in the park.

I've never seen you cry before.

Well, to tell you the truth, I feel kind of bad about it.

Oh, come on. You enjoyed it.

True, he did deserve it.

You should have seen Keith's face

when I asked him to explain the facts of life to me.

I asked him if kissing was hazardous to a person's health.

Laurie [laughing]: Oh, no. Chris: What did he say?

He said not as long as I wash behind my ears

and take plenty of vitamin c.

[Kids laughing]

Laurie: I really thought he'd catch on.

Tracy: Yeah, I knew all the time.

Are you kidding?

You can fool some of the people some of the time.

But you can fool Keith partridge all of the time.

Kids.

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

How long was he standing there? Long enough.

He's been gone for hours.

Maybe he ran away.

He's too old to run away.

[Door opens]

Did you find him? No.

I went to all of his hangouts.

No one's seen him.

[♪♪♪]

Did you have any luck, mom?

He's in the garage.

He's been there the whole time. What's he doing there?

I don't know, I just found him. But he's very hurt.

I don't think he thought your little joke was very funny.

Mom, we didn't mean to hurt him.

Well, what did you expect?

Whatever Keith did, he did because he loves you.

And you return his love by making a fool of him.

What do we do now?

Well...

You might start by telling him you're sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Keith...

The kids have something they want to say to you.

Keith, we just meant the whole thing as a put-on.

But...

Well, I guess we were pretty thoughtless. I'm sorry.

This means "I'm sorry."

before it meant "I'm sorry, " It was a goldfish.

Chris: You know all that intellectual stuff you showed us?

Well, some of it did rub off.

I'm gonna learn

to play Beethoven's fifth symphony on the drums.

[Clears throat]

Keith?

I really am sorry.

I realize now you were just trying

to do the best thing for us.

And we repaid you by playing a rotten joke.

I'm sorry.

Besides, it was all Laurie's idea.

[Inaudible dialogue]

[Laughs]

[Playing "Summer days"]

♪ I feel the sunlight on my face ♪

♪ when I just close my eyes and I trace ♪

♪ the footpath to your daddy's summer place ♪

♪ where we spent our early summer days ♪

♪ the hill we climbed that went on forever ♪

♪ we reached the top of the world together ♪

♪ yeah, you gave your love to me ♪

♪ and I remember perfectly ♪

♪ high above all time and space ♪

♪ and I remember summer days ♪

♪ when you gave your love to me ♪

♪ and I remember perfectly ♪

♪ high above all time and space ♪

♪ and I remember summer days ♪

♪ come climb that hill again with me ♪

♪ come live that love again with me ♪

♪ baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ hold my hand and we'll be free ♪

♪ said we'll be free ♪

♪ yeah, you gave your love to me ♪

♪ and I remember perfectly ♪

♪ high above all time and space ♪

♪ and I remember summer days ♪

♪ when you gave your love to me ♪

♪ and I remember perfectly ♪

♪ high above all time and space ♪

♪ and I remember summer days ♪

♪ when you gave your love to me ♪

♪ and I remember perfectly ♪

♪ high above all time and space ♪

♪ and I remember summer days ♪

♪ when you gave your love to me ♪

[applause]

[♪♪♪]

Keith: Hey, you about ready? Danny: I am.

Now you got plenty of money for peanuts?

Sure do. [Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hi, Reuben. Hi. Where's Keith?

Hey, guess what.

I had to scrounge around,

but I finally managed to pull it off.

Pull what off? I got the tickets.

To the bolshoi ballet.

Oh, if you hurry, you can make it to the matinee.

Well, that's great, Reuben, but I wish you'd told me sooner.

I'm taking the kids to the circus.

The circus?

I had to haggle and finagle to get these tickets.

Keith: Well, why don't you go? Me? To the ballet?

What's the matter? Don't you appreciate culture?

Are you kidding? I'm full of...

Culture.

Who... who would I get to go with me?

I mean, it starts in 40 minutes. Reuben, I'd love to go.

So would I.

You would?

[Clears throat]

Well, I guess it's a date.

What ballet are you going to see?

Swan lake.

Um, isn't that a little racy?

Swan lake?

What time will you have them home?

Danny. Come on.

I think we're gonna be late.

Bye. Don't keep the lions waiting.

I, somehow, get the feeling he doesn't trust you.

Danny: I'll be waiting up for you.

[Laughing]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]