Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Well, I got a pair of eights.

Ah, sorry about that, bro. I got a Dolly Parton.

- What's that? - A bigger pair. Whaa!

Will, I've got a surprise for your bachelor party.

I booked the penthouse suite at the La Peer Hotel.

Really?

Oh, man, I could just kiss you.

I could just kiss you, too.

But, perhaps, my time would be better spent learning a talent.

Hey, he isn't making calls on your bachelor party, is he?

I mean, that's my job.

I mean, you have told him that I'm the best man?

Uh.. See, what had happened..

At first, but then..

...he had called..

Will...go tell him.

[sighs] Tsk. Next time I'm gonna let Jazz kiss you.

Hey, Jazz, listen, um, we need to talk, man.

Yes, we do, the Strip 'N Trip just wanna know

if the hotel will furnish extension cords?

Oh, yeah, and tell Naughty Nelvina and The Naked Drill Team

to wear coats or they'll never get past hotel security.

Okay.

Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?

You're the best, man.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin' with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Now, a-are you positive you can't see anything?

Yes, I am positive.

Super. Ow!

Now how could I miss that big square head of yours?

Oh, look, come on, Will.

Now I've spent a lot of time decorating

for your bachelor party.

Now I just want it to be a surprise.

Oh, no, not another Scooby-Doopinata.

Pssh. I wish.

Look, no offense, Scrappy, but it's gonna be hard

to top the parties I've been to.

(all in unison) Go, Will. Go, Will. Go, Will.

Go, Will. Go, Will. Go, Will.

[upbeat music on speaker]

Hey, no.

Girl, I'm sure glad we got rid of that nut.

[instrumental music]

Ah. You can't hang, can you, baby?

[jazz music]

♪ No one even knows it ♪

♪ Girl to me you just can't show it ♪

♪ You know that I won't buy it ♪

♪ Girl there's no use to tryin' to hide it ♪

♪ 'Cause I girl you know I need it.. ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

What do you two think you're doing?

Oh, I, I was trying to get up to my room.

Hey, Tom, what was you doing?

I was trying to be in the video.

- Man, this party is dull. - No, man, this party is stupid.

No, no, no, this party is crazy, flat, dumb, dumb, doodie.

You're the man. You're the man.

- You're the man. - You're the man.

[both screaming]

You just wait, I've set you up

with one heck of a wingding, Will.

You won't regret makin' me the best man.

Oh! Oh, yes. Um..

That's one little thing I wanted to talk to you about, see.

What?

You know, being best man does have its perks.

That was it.

C..

Jazz is the best man?

Then what the heck am I?

Short.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.

Now, you guys are both my best men.

Carlton, you're the best man for the wedding.

And Jazz is the best man for getting the talent

for the bachelor party.

Tsk. Ugh.

He got me Rowanda, the Rubber Lady.

Look, I'll have you know that Stan, the world's smartest duck

was this close to getting on Leno.

[snorts]

What the heck does, ahem, supposed to mean?

Listen, this is no time to fight, alright?

(Jazz) You're right, my brother.

Tonight, we salute the passin' of one of the greats.

Ah, yeah, let's have a moment of silence

for all the girls that have found me irresistible.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Jean-Claude Van Damme, I'm fine.

You are my man.

Amen.

Do you like it?

Wow.

I love it.

- Alright, now take it off. - Oh, wait, wait..

You, you know, if-if-if somebody

was-was to walk in here right now..

...they, they might think you was hittin' on me.

Trust me, if I was hittin' on you

you'd know it.

Really? How?

Okay, you made your point.

Hey, you're not the only one who had to fight off

the women, bub.

This is Tina. Tina, this is my brother, Carlton.

- Hi, Tina. - Hi.

Uh, I love your towel.

Thanks. Well, I gotta go prepare for debate practice.

You're on the debate team?

That is so cool.

Which one of these losers is my date?

That would be me.

Uh, this is my cousin, Carlton.

Where's the rest of him?

I may be short, but you know what they say

about short men and tall women, don't you?

No. What?

I don't know, just making conversation.

Hey, small stuff, you wanna come back here

and check out the rest of my merchandise?

How can anybody with a sorry list like that be the best man?

That's it.

We're staying right here until you decide

who is your best man.

Look, Carlton, would you stop playin'?

Now, move.

Minimart here is right, who's it gonna be?

Me or him?

You know what, in one minute, y'all two

can Jell-O wrestle for the title, okay? Okay.

[electricity crackling]

Oh, man...didn't your mothers ever tell you

don't play with buttons?

[knock on door]

Hello!

They can't hear you, bro. The music's too loud.

Can I throw a party or what?

I don't believe this.

There's a python and some triplets in there

and I'm stuck in here with Ren and Stumpy.

Oh, come on, guy, cheer up.

They'll have us out of here in an hour, tops.

We're out of food. We're out of water.

I mean, how long can we survive like this?

We've only been in here for five minutes, Carlton.

Get a grip.

Get off of me.

Let's just relax.

I've been in plenty worse situations

than this. Trust me.

[yelling] Earthquake!

Baby, it was just a little earthquake.

Baby, no, listen. Listen, no. The ground moved, okay?

The ground. The ground moved.

Nobody was bothering it, it just moved, alright?

But it's over now and we're fine.

I am not fine, alright? I'm a grown man.

And I'm sittin' under the table huggin' a teddy bear.

- I am not fine. - Uh-oh.

Well, what's the matter?

Um, my water broke.

Oh, that's cool, we got another one right here in the fridge.

[indistinct chatter]

And Dougie is a barn dog.

Unbelievable. Will Smith apologizing.

My sisters, welcome the newest member

of Kappa Phi Gamma, Lisa Wilkes.

- Alright. - Alright.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Wait, whoa, whoa, hold up.

Wait, y'all-y'all just going to leave me hangin' up here

like a piece of Rotisserie Gold, huh?

Take my baby girl to Palm Springs?

Oh, you've done it now, boy.

- 'I'm really mad now.' - No, no, no, no!

[screaming]

- Oh! - Oh, oh.

- The engine's dead. - What?

Yeah.

Oh, so I, uh, I guess we're going down, huh?

Faster than a bucket of chicken at "Oprah's."

Oh, so I should probably just confess

all the nasty things I've done

with your daughter, huh?

Especially seeing as how, in any second now

we're gonna be splattering

all over those mountains down there.

Let me tell you something. I'm from Philly.

You got to wake up pretty early in the morning

to get me with some old..

[door slams]

Mr. Adams?

Mr. Adams?

Mr. Adams?

[engine rumbling]

[screaming]

And I came out of that without a scratch.

So just calm down, alright?

Shh.

Listen.

I know that sound anywhere.

- What sound? - A Wonderbra hittin' the floor.

Let me out! Let me out!

This is all your fault, you finger-lickin' ragamuffin.

Who are you callin' muffin, Little Debbie?

Alright, alright, stop it, stop it.

Come on, ain't no time to tootsie roll, fool.

Fight like a man.

Alright, guys, guys.

[grunting]

[gasps] Okay. Nobody move.

Ah..

- Ahh.. Ahh.. - Choo!

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

[chuckles]

We stopped.

[laughing]

We stopped! It's a miracle!

Wow! Gravity. What a rush.

- 'Hello, elevator repairman.' - We don't have time to chat.

- We're stuck in here! - Shut up, Jazz.

That's the elevator repairman.

Help!

(male #1) 'Just stay calm. We'll get you out of there.'

'Can't guarantee it'll be in one piece.'

Man, I'd rather be anybody but myself right now.

Well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time.

Okay, now, just remember, you're from Connecticut

and you transferred to Bel-Air Academy

and you row on the crew team.

Now, where did you transfer from?

- Bend over. - It's Andover.

We're going back home.

Ah. Mr. Banks, did you forget something?

Uh, you know, I'm glad you asked.

I forgot to give you the number to my direct line.

Ah, look, I'm very flattered, but I..

You know, that is an absolutely intoxicating fragrance

that you're wearing.

Uh..

Come closer.

Hey-y-y.

That's a fake mustache.

No, it's not.

[gasps] Yes, it is!

No, it's not.

Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your

real parents right now.

- Will. - No, it's not.

Is that fat guy followin' us?

What fat guy? Come on.

Excuse me, is there some reason why you're followin' us?

- Will? - Well, it ain't Fat Albert.

[crying] We've been in here for hours, man.

I don't wanna die.

I wanna live.

Look, at least you got a chance to live life to its fullest.

I only had one woman. One!

I don't want this to end.

It doesn't have to.

Will you marry me?

[laughing]

You are too adorable for words.

Can I give you a kiss goodbye?

Yes.

Tomorrow morning.

Well, what time should I come back?

My life has been so pathetic.

No, it hasn't.

Well, yeah, it has.

Who cares? It's over.

When the elevator was falling and I thought we were gonna die

your life flashed before my eyes.

If I only had your magic with the women.

Come on, Carlton, all these years, man

haven't you caught on?

I mean, half the battle is the lyrics you toss at the honeys.

Girl, you look so good, I wish I could plant you

and grow a whole field of y'all.

Girl, I got to tell you.

That suit look like a piece of good God

wrapped up with some have mercy

with a side of oomph!

I think I've seen your picture somewhere before.

Oh, yeah, that's right, it was in the dictionary

next to "Ka-blam!"

- Two cappuccinos, please. - Mm.

Well, I'm hoping you like it dark

hot, sweet and, uh, with a spoon in it.

Look, um, miss, I'd just like to apologize

on behalf of my gender for his rude behavior.

- That's okay. - No, it's not.

He-he had no reason to act like that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Look, um, could I call you sometime?

- Yeah...call me. - Thank you.

Yo, baby, I know your feet must be tired

'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day!

Come here, baby.

Oh, come, come, my brother.

You don't always leave the party with a favor.

That's it, I didn't come all the way here from Philly to hear--

- Oh, it's gonna happen-- - I've had it..

[clamoring]

- Excuse me! Excuse me! - You need to shut up.

You know what? You ain't never gonna change.

- Oh, give me the last word. - Oh, give me the last word.

- Oh, no, you're not. - Oh, no, you're not.

- Oh, yes, I am. - Oh, yes, I am.

- Damn! - Damn!

Yeah, sure, bring up the one time

that a woman walks away from me.

- One time? - One time?

Hold, hold, hold it, baby, see, now, I noticed you noticin' me.

So, I just want to put you on notice

that I noticed you, too.

And?

And to let you know that I might

consider letting you be with me.

Is that what passes for a compliment around here?

- Look, baby, listen. - No, you listen.

If you want a shot at being with me

maybe you should try talking to me

like a human being, okay? Got it?

Actually, baby, you got it, but I take donations.

You're so ugly, she tied a pork chop around your neck

just so the dog would play with you.

Well, you so ugly, your mama had to feed you

with a slingshot.

You're so ugly, that ain't a fade on your head

that's your hair runnin' away from your face.

Well, now, you know that Hank Farley is not your type.

I was saying, you-you strip away the shoulder pads

and the muscles, and the dimples

and what you got?

You.

Does this look like a place to have fun?

I don't think so. Ain't nobody going to have no fun up in here.

Not me, not you, not her.

And definitely not me. Goodbye, Will.

Whoa, baby. Oh, come back here.

What is her name?

[elevator creaking]

- Oh, no, no, no! - Oh!

[all screaming]

Carlton, Carlton, man, I'm sorry about all those short jokes.

You know, it really took a big man to handle it.

And, well, you tried your best, okay?

I love you, man.

I love you too, Will.

You too, man.

Somebody give me some love. Please!

[breathing heavily]

Oh!

- 'We're goin' up.' - 'We're gonna live.'

I'm gonna have one more chance to do the wild thing.

Get off me.

Whew! The guest of honor is in the house.

Party over here.

[upbeat music]

Oh, oh, oh.

[indistinct chatter]

(Geoffrey) Hey, good evening, Master William.

Absolutely bumping party.

Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey?

But you told me your name was Will.

No, I said I was Will-ing.

[chuckles]

(Philip) 'Hold the elevator.'

- Uh-oh. - Going down.

(Will) 'Oh, no, no!'

'No!'

Tsk. My poor baby.

Your whole life must have flashed

before your eyes.

- Kiss me. - I'd love to.

Hello.

[chuckles]

Hmm.

Not really.

All I could think about was you.

- Aww. - Hm. Mmm.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪