Original subtitles

Hey, girl. Whoo.

Hey, Carlton, what's up, man? These are the books I need.

Will, classes have been in session for five weeks

and you're buying books now?

Oh, yeah, I thought I'd get an early start this year.

Look, check it out, I need English Lit 101

Sociology 101 and Human Sexuality 420.

420? That's a graduate course.

Oh, yeah, I did advance placement in high school.

You know what I mean?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Ooh, Valerie "The girl of my dream" Johnson, is in my house.

You know, see, we got this little game that we play.

You know, I ask her out and she says, "No," you know.

Right now, she's winning 64-zip, but I feel lucky.

Excuse me.

Hey, Val, what's up, baby?

Let me tell you, this is your lucky day.

Oh, why? Let me guess, you're not gonna ask me out today.

You are funny, girl.

No, but listen, on the serious tip

I checked my schedule and, um, I'm free.

So I can take you out tonight.

Check again because I can't.

I already made plans.

My cousin is comin' in from out of town

and I promised her we'd hang out.

Oh, okay. Hey, you're fired.

I got an idea. How about we double date?

A double date?

No, see, I can't, my cousin has bad luck with men.

W-w-wait a minute, baby, you're not listening

you're not listenin', I-I'm telling you

I got the perfect guy for you, he's a perfect gentleman.

Listen, y'all come over the crib, you know

and we watch a little movie, we just chill.

Will, what's the difference?

If you don't go out with me, you're gonna go out

with her or her or her.

Wait, Val, Val, I'm hurt, you know.

Now, come on, I mean, a guy can lie with his lips

but he can't lie with his eyes.

Will, I will go out with you.

But it's not because of those ooh-ooh eyes you just gave me.

It's because I got no place else to go.

Oh, hey, baby, you know what, I knew you was gonna come around.

So tell you what, why don't y'all roll past the crib

you know, around 8:00?

Give me enough time to pad the headboard.

Alright, I'm kiddin', you're sensitive, baby.

- I'll see you tonight, alright? - Yeah.

I must really be desperate.

I can't wait either, baby. Mm.

Oh, hey, Carlton, you up for a blind date?

Will, everyone knows that blind dates are usually dogs.

Oh, please, I seen you out with plenty of women

who looked like they had a little Chihuahua in them.

If you're referring to Conchita, I don't see her anymore.

[instrumental music]

You missed a spot.

Thank you, Ms. Hilary.

You know, this housework stuff's kind of fun.

There's another one.

What's so important, you had to page me

during a high-speed chase?

Hey, hey, Jazz, I need you to come on

a double date with me, man.

Since I married Jewel, I'm a changed man.

Unless the double date's with Hilary.

Hey, brown sugar.

[helicopter whirring]

- I gotta go. - Wait, Jazz.

Hey, Carlton, about that double date, man.

So you couldn't find anybody else?

I guess I'm your only friend, how pathetic.

- You know what? Never mind. - Okay, okay.

Stop groveling, Will, I'll do it.

Sweetheart, I'm gonna go get the car.

Why don't you look over that manual one more time, huh?

Okay.

- What's going on? - Oh, I'm so excited.

I just got my permit so I'm gonna go driving with daddy.

Ashley, stop. U-turn, go back.

You're going the wrong way, you're going the wrong way.

Come on, Will, he can't be that bad.

Ashley, daddy's fine when he's driving.

When he's in the passenger seat, he turns ugly.

"You're going too fast. You're going too slow."

"Take a left. Take a right."

"I don't care how pretty she is

you can't drive on the sidewalk."

Look, Ashley, get out while you can.

Whoop, too late.

Are you all set, sweetheart?

Uh, daddy, I don't know about this driving thing.

Oh, well, darling, it's natural to be nervous the first time

so if you don't feel you're ready for this

it's okay, I'll understand.

See ya.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know, it had nothing to do with me.

- I think she was drinking. - I wasn't around.

[instrumental music]

♪ Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon? ♪

♪ Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon? ♪

♪ We could float among the stars togeth.. ♪♪

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just setting the mood for our date.

No, I don't think you understand.

See, this is my date.

So, you're just here running interference

while I get my mack on.

[doorbell rings]

Alright, now, that's them, you just stand over there

and try to look cool.

Excuse me, Superboy?

Scratch the cool, you just chill a little bit, alright?

Mm. God bless America.

Will, this is my cousin, Karen.

Which one of these losers is my date?

That would be me.

Uh, this is my cousin, Carlton.

Where's the rest of him?

Oh, I may be short, but you know what they say

about short men and tall women, don't you?

No, what?

I don't know, just making conversation.

Well, this is a cool place you have here.

Yeah, uh, hey, you haven't seen the best part.

Uh, wait until you see the hot tub.

- Will. - Oh, no. Girl, you just dirty.

No, it's strictly for therapeutic purposes, you know.

See, 'cause I-I got this crick in my neck

right here that's been really killing me.

Let me help you out with that, cuz.

We do this all the time.

Carlton, get off me.

Get off, get off me!

Ow!

Hey, hey, who's up for a video?

A video? Pfft, hey.

No, this is "Nine And A Half Weeks."

- That is a sex movie. - Really?

I thought it was a documentary about Vanilla Ice's career.

Hey, why don't we check out my video collection?

(kid on TV) 'Pa, I think Old Yeller's sick.'

Oh.

Are you crying?

Um, no, I think I've got something in my eye.

It's okay, Carlton, this movie always gets to me too.

Don't be afraid to show your feelings.

Well, you-you know, sometimes I-I be at the crib alone

and I just be crying for nothin'.

What a punk!

Is that a cigarette?

[coughs]

That is a cigarette.

You know, in case you haven't heard

tar and nicotine are damaging to your lungs.

It isn't just a rumor, it will give you a tumor.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go outside and fire up a butt.

Wow, that sounds like fun.

Huh?

Is that crick in your neck bothering you again?

- Let me get that for you. - No, no, no.

[both laugh]

Alright.

I think he wants you to leave.

I don't want her to leave, I want you to leave, Carlton.

Will, I'm trying to watch the movie, if you're not interested

why don't you go for a walk or something?

Fine.

Oh.

And they shoot the damn dog.

Oh.

I cannot believe you and Will are related.

- You're so different. - Like you and your cousin.

Yeah, well, thanks for putting up with her.

You know, most men find Karen kind of--

Scary.

Sort of.

But you were a total gentleman, Carlton

and that's really hard to find these days.

- What was that for? - Well, that was for Karen.

And this, this is for me.

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

Hello.

No, this ain't Carlton, this is Will.

Oh, Valerie...yeah, yeah, you know what?

I got some choice words for you too, girl.

How you gonna j..

Hello?

[screams]

Man, I could kill that Carlton.

Master William..

...if you're serious, I could make a call.

I was just kiddin', G.

Me too.

Hey, Will, wanna play catch?

Uh, I'm sorry, Nicky, not now, man, I'm not in the mood.

Carlton won't play with me, either. What's going' on?

Well, we're kind of havin' problems.

Maybe you should talk to somebody.

You're right. Look, Nicky, it's like this, man, we always make--

Not me, I'm just a kid.

Why don't you tell him?

Will, are you going to finally let me explain what happened?

Ah, shh.

Don't talk to me.

Will, for once in your life be reasonable.

Can't we just discuss this like grownups?

Yeah, call me when you grow.

Okay, Ashley, you ready?

- What are you doing? - Driving lessons.

Lesson number one, use a car.

Hilary, Nicky's right, can we just get in the car?

I don't think you're ready to get behind the wheel yet.

Now, put the car in gear

and pull cautiously away from the curb.

Ashley.

- What? - You're in neutral.

Okay, we're driving down Sunset.

Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock.

Keep your eyes on the road.

- Hilary. - Now, take a left on Rodeo.

Remember to signal.

Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi, hi.

Yuck, what is she wearing?

Hilary, this is beyond stupid.

Use your imagination. You're doing great.

We're driving.

We're driving.

- Stop. - What?

Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.

- Where are you going? - To get a bus schedule.

Can't we just talk about this?

Listen, I don't wanna talk about nothin'.

I just wanna watch the game and forget it, okay?

Fine with me.

Careful with that drumstick, Uncle Phil.

Turn your back on it, Carlton's liable to start eatin' and say

"Oops, dad, it just jumped in my mouth."

Or maybe that wouldn't happen if you

treated the drumstick like a person

instead of a piece of meat.

You know what, Carlton?

You ain't nothin' but a dog.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're an acrimonious

rancorous, virulent coveter.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you ain't nothin' but a dog.

Alright, alright.

That's enough.

Look, why don't I tell you guys a story?

Now look what you done.

I like dad's stories.

A-and some day, I'm gonna tell my kids

these same pointless anecdotes.

Go ahead, dad.

Alright, well, when I was growing up

my best friend lived in the next apartment, his name was Ralph.

And one day, after 18 years of friendship, we had a fight.

Well, I went to college and he joined the navy.

Five years ago, I went to our high school reunion.

I was determined to bury the hatchet.

But Ralph didn't show up.

I found out that he died the month before.

Well, I never had a chance to make peace with him.

What's even worse, I can't even remember what we fought about.

You kids should think about that.

Hold up a second there, Aesop.

W-w-what's this apartment stuff? I thought you grew up on a farm.

Well, in the South, farm and apartment are interchangeable.

Uh-uh, five years ago?

Since when do they have reunions for your 22nd year?

Yeah, man, and how all of a sudden--

O-okay, okay, okay, I made it up, alright? Pfft.

[scoffs] I guess lying just run all through this family, huh?

I'm not lying, you nefarious, degenerate miscreant.

Oh, like I'm supposed to believe that, you big dog.

[instrumental music]

Did you put superglue in my hair gel?

Hey, that's what you get for stealin' my girl.

I didn't have to steal her, she was bored with you

so she came to me, a real man.

Oh, so, what you saying, I'm not a real man?

Yeah, you got it, now the thing you should know that all that

"Yo, yo, hey, baby, bap, bap, bap" stuff is just played out.

It worked in high school, but now it's just embarrassing.

So I'm the embarrassment now?

Take it easy, stumpy.

And you know something else? I'm tired of all those short jokes.

I'm average height.

For a woman.

I'm large enough for Valerie.

You wants to go there, huh?

You know what? I'm sick of this.

Let's go, let's go right now.

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this.

Come on, come on, is this what you want?

Well, come on, come on, let's go, come on.

What, what, what you want to do?

Pfft, like that hurt.

Will. Will, are you okay?

Will, wake up. Will, come on.

[grunts]

Damn, still alive.

You know what keeps me going?

The thought of dancing on your grave.

You wanna dance on my grave?

[indistinct chatter]

Come, Mr. Smith, it's time for your sponge bath.

Oh, hey, good thing too, because I'm feeling dirty.

- Tootsie roll. - Oh. Oh, my leg, my leg.

Aw, come on, girl, you gonna fall for that?

What about my sponge bath?

I'll let you shave me.

Let me take care of Mr. Banks first.

Oh. I get it.

First you steal my girl

and now you're gonna steal my nurse.

You old prune, I ought to knock your teeth out.

Go ahead, they're in the glass next to my bed.

Is that what you want? Aw.

Got to go back to the ghetto on you now.

[yells]

You're trying to kill me.

[groaning]

- Will. - You alright?

- Come closer. - You alright?

I'm feeling the life being sucked out of me.

Before I die, I just want you to know that I, I hate you.

[laughing]

Carlton, wake up.

Carlton.

I never got to tell you, I'm sorry.

[crying]

Why, Carlton?

Will, hold your head back, it'll stop the bleeding.

Thank you, Carlton, I think you've helped enough.

Dad, I guess you're wondering what happened.

What's to wonder?

I have a nephew with a possibly broken nose.

And I don't wanna even know why your damn hands

are stuck to your head like that.

What I do know is that I want both of you

to settle this thing or I will.

- You got it, dad. - You got it, no problem.

- We can handle it. - It's already done.

We can handle it, just go on.

Look, Carlton, um..

...I was doin' a lot of thinking while I was unconscious.

We-we-we're cousins, man.

We-we've been together long enough.

I should know that you would never do to me

the kind of things that I would do to you.

That's sweet, Will.

I'm sorry for saying all those things

and for punching your lights out.

Yeah, anyway it was a lucky shot.

I hit you pretty square, Will.

Look, the important thing is that

we get beyond that lucky punch.

We're family, man.

We shouldn't be fighting like this.

We should be helping each other.

Hey, put her there.

Will.

You're right, man. I'm sorry about the hair.

Let me help you.

[ripping]

[Carlton screaming]

[instrumental music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪