Original subtitles

- Yo, Nicky, you ready? - 'Almost.'

Hurry up, man, we got to get on.

Where's Nicky?

Today is Children's Day at the Nixon Library.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, man.

Nicky's going with me.

I'm taking him to the sorority beach volleyball tournament.

Mm. Two hundred honeys bumping and spiking.

You know what I mean?

Heh. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you don't know what I mean.

Will, you're just Nicky's cousin, I'm his brother.

I'm a big branch of his family tree.

Mm. Then why are your limbs so short?

Fine. But let's see what my father thinks about this.

Alright, alright, you big baby.

Fine, Nicky can go with you.

Y'all just have fun.

- Really? - Yeah, sure, man.

Oh, don't forget your flag, though.

I mean, what's a day at the Nixon Library

without Old Glory, huh?

- Oh, good call. - Alright.

[Will laughing]

(Carlton) 'Hey!'

'Hey!'

Everybody going to the beach say, "Kowabunga!"

- Kowabunga! - Ha-ha-ha.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Whoa, nice flowers. Another stalker?

[scoffs] I wish.

I had a problem at the studio today.

What happened?

Well, I was late for my talk-show taping

so I parked in the first space I could find.

I found out later it was Leeza Gibbons' spot

and she had my car towed.

[sighs] I was so upset

I sent these flowers to cheer myself up.

Man, now who does a thing like that?

I know, can you believe her?

I don't care how high her ratings are

nobody treats Hilary Banks like this. I'll get her.

And her little car too.

You're not taking them diet pills again, are you?

Will, you have to help me think of a way to get even with her.

Forgive me for asking

but why are you involving Master William in this?

Well, Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it

he's still a common street hood

from the wrong side of the tracks.

So will you help me?

Oh, gee, you know, when you put it that way, no.

Will, I'm begging you.

Look, come on, girl, that's vandalism you're talking about.

No.

Oh, I do remember this one time, though

me and my homies was trying to get even with this gym teacher

that was gettin' on our nerves

my man Chill took a key

scratched all up the side of the paint.

I took a potato, right, rammed it up in the tailpipe.

Dude came out, started that joint, it was like "Kaboom!"

Boom!

What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky.

Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors.

Come on, G, Nicky knows that vandalism ain't cool, right?

- Right. - Alright, come on, let's go.

[grunts] Get down to this beach.

Get with these honeys, you know what I mean?

Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be?

- Where're you two going? - Oh, to the beach.

Yeah, me and Will are going trolling for slimmies.

He be tripping.

[chuckles]

No, he, he-he mean, we gonna play in the sand.

Look, Ashley, it's daddy's mad face.

Come on, Nicky, let's go upstairs

before daddy's head explodes.

Will, at this age, Nicky is like a sponge.

If he hears something he likes, he's gonna imitate it.

Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton.

Look, maybe you've been spending too much time with Nicky.

In fact, doesn't Carlton have some plans for this afternoon?

Oh, yeah, and where is he?

I know he better have a daggone good excuse

for standing Nicky up.

Will locked me in the closet.

[scoffs] That's so tired.

(Will) 'Alright, alright, Uncle Phil.'

I just wanted to take the kid to

his first bikini volleyball tournament.

I do not want my little boy exposed to that much sex.

Uh, oh, don't worry, mom, it only happened once.

Y-you meant Nicky, didn't you?

I read that Dougie is gonna be appearing

down at the mall today.

Oh. Dougie?

That big, dumb, orange whale

that be singing them stupid songs?

Hey, those songs are life-affirming little ditties

that bring joy to the young and the young at heart.

♪ I love everything big and small ♪

♪ Cute and ugly I love them all ♪♪

Would you like to go see Dougie at the mall today?

Dougie? Cool!

Okay, whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Come on, time out.

Now, can-can we think about this for a second, please?

Now, Dougie loves everything.

People, am I the only one that finds something

terribly wrong with that?

♪ I love bugs and I love death ♪

♪ I love oozing flesh wounds ♪

Mommy! Mommy!

Will! Will!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

I didn't know he was gonna act like that.

Alright, look, at least can I take him to the mall?

- Are we gonna go see Dougie? - Yeah, that's right.

Me and you. Oh.

If we hurry out of there, we can make it to the victory swim.

[instrumental music]

Hey, unhand me.

Sir, the floor seating is for children only.

Now sit in the chair like a grown-up.

- Where's Dougie? - Well, he is a whale.

Maybe we should go look for him at the beach.

- Okay. - Yes!

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

It's Dougie!

I love you, everybody.

(all) We love you, Dougie!

Let's all do the welcome song.

Everyone sing and dance along.

[music continues]

♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪

♪ My lovely friendly friendly friends ♪

♪ I love you all so much my friends ♪

♪ I like my big friends ♪

[microphone squealing]

Hey, someone check the damn level.

[grunts]

[instrumental music]

♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪

♪ My little friends my happy friends ♪

♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪

♪ My cutie little friend.. ♪♪

[microphone squealing]

That's it.

You SOBs better pull your thumbs out

and get your freaking acts together.

What's wrong with Dougie?

I think something must have crawled up his blowhole.

(all) Dougie! Dougie!

Dougie! Dougie! Dougie!

Let's get out of here.

The last time a Dougie concert was canceled

the kids went crazy and trashed a babyGap.

Shut up, Carlton.

I'mma go back there, I'mma have a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie.

Go get Nicky and calm this crowd down.

Come on, Nicky.

Sit right here.

Maestro.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me. Mr. Dougie? How you doing?

Um, I was wondering when you were coming back out there

'cause, you know, we've been waiting for you all day.

Aren't you a little old for this crap?

Uh-huh. Yeah, but my cousin isn't.

You know, he-he came here to see a show.

Yeah? What'd he pay for the ticket?

Nothin'. It was free.

Then the little brat got his money's worth. Now beat it.

[chuckles]

Um, look here

you big orange Moby Dick.

Listen, hotshot, I know this isn't as glamorous

as your job down at the mini-mart..

..but I make an honest day's work.

And who the hell are you to look down on me, huh, punk?

[chuckles]

You pushed me, called me punk. That's funny.

Listen, um, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just put your hat on..

[sighs]

...go head back out there

do what you gotta do for the kids

'cause, you know, they're really looking forward to it. Alright?

Tough guy, huh? I'm so scared.

I think you better keep your fins off me, alright?

Why, what are you gonna do, huh?

What are you gonna do, wise guy, huh?

I think you better keep your fins off me.

Oh, yeah?

[Will groans]

Oh, it's on now.

[Will yells]

Okay, time for another song.

(all) Aww.

[Will yells]

[children yelling]

[Dougie groans]

[Will yells]

[Will grunts]

What're you doing to Dougie?

Oh. W-we was just. we was playing, y'all.

Hey, sorry.

(Dougie) I need a drink.

You hurt Dougie.

I hate you, Will.

Nicky.

[sobbing] You see?

- Get him! - No.

[children yelling]

[instrumental music]

Mom, presenting the all new and improved Nicholas Banks.

Look at you.

Nicky and I are gonna be spending a lot more time

together, especially since he's..

...M-A-D at W-I-L-L.

How do you like your new clothes, baby?

Mommy, I...H-A-T-E them.

From now on, it's you and me, Nicky.

The fabulous Banks boys.

Great.

Hey, what's up, everybody?

Nicky.

He's still mad at you, and so am I.

Oh, please leave me alone, Carlton.

I already had to go through this for 40 hours with Uncle Phil.

I made a mistake.

That's why I bought this train set.

Well, it's a start.

Thanks.

Will, when I was a little girl, I got so mad at your mother

I stopped speaking to her for weeks.

[scoffs] Really?

It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv.

[laughing]

Go on.

She gave away one of my favorite toys.

It was a Raggedy Ann doll.

But I got over it.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, my mom told me about that.

Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear

and flush it down the toilet?

That's how I got over it.

Look at this.

"Powerful earthquake rattles Northern Coast."

Oh, boo-hoo.

This.

"Television personality Leeza Gibbons

"was shocked to learn that the woman attempting

"to vandalize her car was none other than

rival talk-show host Hilary Banks."

[grunts]

"Banks, seen here wielding a potato.."

Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.

I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car

and it didn't make a scratch.

[Hilary panting]

At least they didn't catch me putting my keys

in her exhaust pipe.

Hilary, you were suppo..

Never mind.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Hey, Nicky.

What's all this?

His Dougie toys, he's giving them all away.

I'm not worthy, thanks to you.

Nicky, Nicky, come here, come here. Listen.

You don't understand, man.

Listen, I-I wasn't rumbling with Dougie.

I was rumbling with the guy inside Dougie.

Oh, right, the guy inside Dougie.

[sighs]

Th-that damn whale got him brainwashed.

Will, Nicky believes in Dougie the same way

he believes in Santa Claus.

- So? - Well, Dougie's his hero.

Didn't you have any heroes when you were a little kid?

Yeah, Shaft.

And how did you feel when you found out

that Shaft wasn't real?

What're you talking about?

No, I'm saying, he-he was based on an actual guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was too, Ashley.

Shaft is fictional, Will.

I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Will, you can't tell Nicky that Dougie isn't real.

Why don't you take him down to the mall

and let him see you apologize to Dougie?

I thought of that, just he ain't there no more.

- Well, where is he? - In rehab.

Well, Will, you have to do something.

[Ashley sighs]

It's like he lost his best friend.

Yep, I know the feeling.

[music continues]

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey!

Geoffrey!

Yes, Ms. Hilary?

I have been calling you for 15 minutes. Didn't you hear me?

Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name..

I was rather enjoying it.

I need to tape Leeza Gibbons' show.

I'm gonna record every nasty thing she says about me

and then I'm gonna sue her for definition of character.

[sighs]

Now, how do you turn this on?

Why don't you just use the VCR?

Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR

would I need this camera?

No, I would not.

Oh, it's already started. It's already started. Turn it on.

(Gibbons) 'So that's all coming up today.'

But we'll get to that in a moment.

First, I wanna talk about this so-called feud

going on between Hilary Banks and me.

Now, Hilary, you and I

we're part of a very special sorority.

A sort of sisterhood of talk-show hosts.

I love your show and I wish you lots of success.

So, what do you say? Let's bury the hatchet.

Ooh, that witch!

So you see it too.

All I see is a beautiful woman

perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs

I've ever seen.

Oh, like those are real.

[music continues]

Whoa.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, the pogmeister's in the house.

- Who wants some? - Well, looks like I'm out.

You know, here's Will. Maybe he can give you

some competition, huh, Nicky?

I'm not in the mood.

Gets that from his mother.

You know what that kid's problem is, Uncle Phil?

His values is all messed up, man.

Any other normal kid, you could just buy their love back.

This has really upset you, hasn't it?

[sighs]

You was right, man, I'm a terrible role model.

Oh!

I ain't never having no kids.

Well, now, Will, as much as the idea of your reproducing

scares the hell out of me

I think you'll make a great father.

I mean, everybody makes mistakes with their kids.

The important thing is to admit

when you're wrong and to apologize.

How come you don't ever do that?

Don't question me.

Hey, Nicky.

Mind if I join you?

Wow. I didn't know you could read the paper.

I can't.

Nicky, listen..

Now, there's something I need to tell you about Dougie.

And not just him neither, it's-it's the Easter Bunny

and the Tooth Fairy. All of 'em.

What about them?

Well, you're getting to be a big boy now.

Sooner or later you're gonna find out that none of them..

[knocking]

- None of them are what? - Uh..

Here, r-read the personals, Nicky.

Yo, hottie.

Yo.

What's up, baby?

Freeze, munchkins!

[Santa laughs]

They're not munchkins, son, they're elves.

Oh, yeah?

Who are you, Keebler?

[Santa laughs]

Oh, boy, you're not even close.

Alright, look here, dude. Check it out. Um..

I'm about to give a little ring-a-ding-ding

to Bel-Air Security, right?

So if you and any of your little friends took anything

you better put it back.

Now you hold on there, young man.

Nobody talks to Santa Claus like that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Santa Claus. Right on, yeah.

Everybody knows Santa Claus is a Clippers fan.

I am not.

I just can't move these things.

Now, you listen to me, sonny.

I don't usually make off-season visits

but you were about to do something terrible

to your cousin Nicky.

You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?

- No. - No, of course you don't.

Maybe this year I'll put a brain in your stocking.

Why do these make-believe guys keep pushing me?

Come on over here. Sit down, right here.

Unh-unh.

[chuckles]

Now, what are you talking about with Nicky?

Will..

...being a child today is tougher

than any time that I can remember.

But Nicky..

Nicky is blessed with a very precious gift.

Innocence.

And you were about to take that away from him.

No, I-I didn't wanna do that.

I'm.. I just don't want him to be mad at me forever.

Aw, Will, nothing is forever with children.

They grow up and they forget.

Hey, remember something..

You used to believe in me once.

Maybe you ought to try believing in me again.

[chuckles]

Oh, here, here.

You be a good boy.

And tell Carlton to stop faxing me.

I cannot get him into Princeton.

[bells jingling]

(Nicky) 'Will! Will!'

Nicky!

Nicky.

Hey.

Santa was here.

Did you see him?

Uh, yeah, we was kicking it in the pool house.

- You know Santa? - Know him?

Who do you think gave him the idea for that mistletoe thing?

- You? - Oh, yeah.

See, we was chilling at the crib back in Philly one night, right.

It was me, Santa, the Tooth Fairy and Shaft, right?

Who's Shaft?

Who's Shaft?

Oh, Nicky, there's so much I got to teach you.

See, Shaft was a complicated man.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪